Dear friend,
Things I have learned both in and out of the survivor of suicide support group....
In the early days I could not say the word suicide. It was 'took his life' or 'passed away'. Suicide was just too hard to say.
You can't turn your brain off and will find yourself thinking about it all the time. Obsessing over the details. Fretting over the last minutes, what was he thinking, how was he feeling, did he think of me, etc. Neither of us saw the body but I cannot stop going there. Trying to imagine what he looked like, how he felt and smelled. How he screamed and how much pain he was in. I cannot decide whether it's a blessing that I didn't see him or not. It's very difficult because we will never have the answer to that question.
The first survivors of suicide meeting I went to was incredible. The facilitator talked a bit about the group's guidelines and then told her story (she lost her college age son). One thing she said that day that made so much sense to me was that during those first few weeks we (the survivors) seem to have super power strength. We can endure much more than we EVER thought we could. Seriously, I never thought I'd have to strength to clean Keith's room and sort thru his journals. The facilitator said that during that time the survivors are still in shock and are under almost a full body Novocaine. That was exactly how I felt. The novocaine was keeping us from feeling the intense pain so we could get thru that painful beginning.
But after time the novocaine wears off and the real pain begins. I have heard people speak who lost children or spouses only weeks before. They said they didn't think it could get worse but it does. That novocaine is gone and you just lose it. It will get worse before it gets better.
I became very aware of how often people make reference to suicide, and how often it is joked about. I am totally guilty of it and have a different view now. People will say insensitive things because they have no idea what to say. It's hard not to get offended but I think back on how clueless I was and how I would nave no idea what to say either. I do get mad however when people pull that God crap on me. In times like these, strangers have NO business talking to you about god or religion or anything spiritual. Now is not to time to save anyone's souls it's about healing.
One of the great things about the support group is that after a while you'll find that people in your life expect you to be over it and stop talking about 'it'. You can always talk about it in meetings with others who know exactly how you are feeling. Honestly, I still need to talk about it almost daily and no one really wants to hear it. I have met several ex-wives who said they didn't think they had a right to come to meetings and talk but it's such a personal thing that no one is ever excluded.
One woman lost her ex husband via shotgun to the head. It was a recent loss and she was going on about how she thought it could have been an accident. How she wasn't sure he really meant to shoot himself. That's true but the facilitator brought up passive suicide, which is doing dangerous things when you know there's a possibility that you could die but you take no precautions. The ex wife knew he had been having bad thoughts so it was possible that he was being careless with a gun hoping that it would go off. It doesn't really matter in the end but it's that thinking, the fine details, that can drive you bonkers.
Hearing about your loss has really taken me back to those early days after Keith's death. It's still a fresh wound and who knows how long it will be. I feel like I can put myself in everyone's position and the pain is unbearable all around. Every single person he left behind is going to feel it for a long time.
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