where's shock?

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Those are the five stages of grief. My question is, where the heck is shock? As far as I'm concerned shock and calling your shrink should be in the top two.

My family has experienced an unfair share of pain, loss and suffering in the last few years. I learned long ago to stop saying 'At least it can't get any worse' because it always can. It can always get worse, which I guess means that there's always something to be thankful for.

Losing my brother to suicide was the most painful event in my life. It shook me to the core and made me look at everything in my world differently. My family, meaning my parents and my siblings, were scattered all over the country and some didn't have the best relationship with each other. But when my brother died we all came together and although briefly we were there for another. It was a deeply personal experience that only the five remaining family members could understand and we came together.

But then we all came apart and were left to deal with the suicide in our own way, since the loss meant different things to all of us. I lost my big brother, whom I hadn't spoken to in many months and whose last contact was far from kind. I was upset with my brother when he died and although I do not feel tremendous guilt over our last words, I do have issues that I have been dealing with.

My parents lost their first child, something I pray I will never have to experience because I cannot even begin to understand the depth of that pain.

Months after my brother's death, nine to be exact, my mother was diagnosed with myelodysplastic syndrome. She hadn't been feeling well and the diagnoses came after several days in the hospital and many rounds of testing. I did a bit of research after the diagnosis and found there isn't a whole lot of information on the internet. When I stumbled upon Rex's Story I was shocked at the statement: Is MDS fatal? Normally, yes, though the length of time it takes to happen is very variable.

I think that's when the shock began. The further I read the more disturbed things became. My mother was sick and if the statistics were to be believed....well, I was having a hard time going there.

My mother did not deserve this, tho I guess no one really does. She was still recovering from the devastating loss of her son who, more than any of her other children, she has always had a very close connection. She battled heart problems and cancer and diabetes and pneumonia and a string of other health issues. This woman needed a break! She needed a year of good health and happy times with her family and friends. More than anyone, she was due.

The MDS was a punch in the gut but my mother handled it as she did with everything else in her life - humor, sarcasm, grace and more than a little smidgen of bitchiness. She started chemo which kicked her ass and underwent weekly blood transfusions which gave her much needed pep. But she was in a lot of pain. Three weeks ago she came down with shingles. If you have to know only one thing about shingles, it's that it causes a whole lot of pain. Just what she did not need. Too much pain.

On September 22nd my mother had an appointment for her weekly blood transfusion. Something that was sure to make her feel better and lessen a tiny bit of her pain. But it never happened. 'She didn't make it' are the words that will forever and ever amen ring in my mind.

What?? How is this possible? I just spoke to her days ago. I just saw her in July. She was just out to visit last year. She was just diagnosed six weeks ago. She's my mother and I need her. Doesn't anyone up there know how much I need her? Don't they know she is due? She needs peace and a healthy body and for the pain to be gone.



I love you mom and I miss you every minute of every day. Give Keith a hug for me and enjoy that healthy body. Smile big and enjoy the sunshine.

My mother with nearly all of her grandchildren
July 8, 2010