five years

This time five years ago I was fretting.  You see, I was in total denial about breast cancer believing absolutely that I would get it.  Since my early 20s or maybe even before I had a fear that I'd get breast cancer.   I had my first mammogram at 30 and held on to the 'all clear' letter for many years.   After Cha was born I had another and there was a little something but I was breastfeeding so they thought maybe that was it.  When I went back the following year they found something a little 'iffy' and they told me to come back in six months for another look.   That six months was February 2007.   But I didn't/wouldn't/couldn't think about it.   I swallowed the thought in hopes that it would just go away but it didn't.   It was on my mind constantly yet I was too paralyzed with fear to do anything about it.

Until November 2007 when I had a near breakdown and finally called to make the appointment.  I still had the script from my doctor, which was another daily reminder folded up in my wallet.   The days leading up to that call and the hours waiting for the appointment were hell.   One panic attack after another and many tears.   I'm a bit embarrassed to admit that months after the diagnosis I felt a bit of relief that I could finally stop worrying about getting breast cancer.  The rest is blog history.

And now here we are, very aware that that the big five year anniversary is right around the corner.   I've been dreaming up fun ways to celebrate the day with Matt, Cha and I because really it's a big day for them as well.  But first there's a bit of a bump.

I am once again waiting for biopsy results.  This time in my lady parts.   Something has been going on there for a while.  But instead of swallowing the fear I've been keeping my doctor in the loop.   You see, the breast cancer that was a constant worry for decades did not kill me.   I had it, I survived it, and I moved on.  

I'm not panicking about the results.   In my heart I'm thinking it's going to turn out all clear.  It could be my survivor status, five years of growth and experience, woman's intuition or maybe just the Zoloft but I know I'm going to be fine.

I'll keep you posted.