mom, i had a funny dream

Cha woke up in a great mood and told me she had a funny dream. She climbed up on my lap and went on and on with the details. I really wanted to stop and grab my camera to catch every word, but I didn't want to ruin the moment.

In her dream she went to the beach. All alone. I asked if she drove by herself and she said a blue whale took her. She was standing outside and yelled at a passing blue whale 'Let's go to the beach!' He stopped and allowed her to climb on his back. Then he took off, and because this was a special blue whale with wings, they flew high in the air and she laughed the whole way.

He landed on her beach towel, which she found funny since he had his own right next to hers. All the people at the beach were happy to see him because it was hot and he provided shade. 'It's a good thing he gave us shade because he used my umbrella as a lollipop.'

She pulled two tubes of 'scunscreen' out of her beach bag. The blue whale used his fins to put lotion on Cha and she needed a giant tube to put it on him. Then they had fun playing in the water.

Dream over. 'Isn't that funny?!', she said.

Last week my mother showed up in a dream. It was the first time I felt that she is with me always. My father was also in the dream. He invited Cha and I over for dinner and asked for my help fixing the fence in his backyard. While I was out back pulling weeds that were breaking down the fence I turned to see my mother lead Cha into the playroom to color and read books. Not only is my mother always there, she's still lending a hand.

On an unrelated note, my mother's aunt passed away yesterday. She had been in a home for the past couple of months and I was fortunate to spent time with her on our recent visit. There were moments when she was aware that I was there. I brought the younger nieces, including Cha and we jabbered about our vacation. The last few visits I went alone and spent quiet time in prayer, asking God for a peaceful ending. (She was asking for one too.) She was a special person and left behind some pretty incredible memories.

a dream

True Story.

Last night I had a dream that I went to prison. The beginning of the dream was very involved and detailed the process of getting to the cell. Not that I have any idea what going to prison is like, but my dream made it seem very frustrating.

There were long lines with miserable and scary people, terrible smells, itchy clothing and fear. There were hundreds of us, men and women, being processed and that part of the dream was certainly a nightmare.

Once we were behind the bars I ran into one of my mom friends. There was no mention of what brought us there but we clutched each other and giggled a little bit behind our fear.

One mom friend turned into two and then there were six. And then a pool and hot tub appeared, and internet access, and video chatting with family members. Looking across the hall we could see the husbands who were watching TV and playing cards. Then one of the guards started sneaking our kids in to see us. Our cells became bigger and we made them more homey. The kids got to sleep over and covered the walls with pictures.

We'd meet up with the husbands/dads in the prison yard which grew a pond with a gazebo and we all got a chance to fish. After a while that prison turned into quite a beautiful place.

It's been nearly ten years since my husband and I met. We were both recently divorced and he answered my online personal ad. Ten crazy years. I guess that was on my mind last night before I went to bed.

Wednesday's Dream

I had it Monday night, actually but I'm still feeling it today. That's a powerful dream.

In the dream my mother was actively dying. It was a slow painful death that we all knew was coming. I was by her side every moment for months (which did not happen) and it was exhausting. In my dream I left my mother's side to run home and be with Matthew. I ran into his arms screaming that I could not survive if my mother died. I explained that my heart would stop beating with hers and there was no way I would make it without her. Matthew held me and assured me I would survive but I was certain I would die.

Waking up was bittersweet. The reality that my mother was indeed gone and that I am still alive was overwhelming. I am still alive six months later, something I dreamed was impossible.

Monday night was the final night of the bereavement group I have been attending. It was a six week session with six other individuals dealing with loss. It was educational and emotional. It also helped me heal. My grief and that of the fellow survivors was on my mind when I went to sleep that night, which I'm sure is behind the dream. I never thought I would make it a day but it's already been six months. Sad but hopeful.

This week I am alive and things are going well, or at least pretty good. I am ready to be happy and genuinely smile again.

Miss Cha had a dream recently where she married a boy named Josh. She made the announcement as soon as she woke up. She usually tells me her dreams in the car on the way to school.

She also cut her bangs in school two weeks ago. Here's what I stared at in the rear view mirror on the way home. She now sports a very uneven pixie cut. : (