It's very important to us that Cha grow up to be a wonderfully accepting, compassionate, and open minded woman. Since she was very young we talked to her about diversity and how people are free to love whomever their hearts tells them they love. We say that anyone can be together, as long as they love and care about each other, and no one is getting hurt. Boys can love boys, girls can love girls, and they can love each other.
One day I heard her talking with a friend. The girl had called a classmate gay and Cha said, 'It's okay to be gay, as long as he's happy.' Right on, baby.
But it seems that I've been concentrating too much on the same sex coupling side of diversity. The other night she asked me:
'Mom, is it okay for a white person to marry a Chinese person?'
We've never really discussed race, which I guess is a good thing since it shows her that it's not really an issue. I told her that yes, it's totally fine for different races to marry, providing they follow the golden rule - they have to love and care for each other, and not out to hurt anyone.
She said:
'Oh, okay.'
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
journaling for the future
I started a journal for Cha before she was born. I'd write all the typical pregnancy details, telling her how much she was loved and wanted and then wrote out her birth story and her first few days of life. The journal includes ramblings on different topics I want her to know, and the 'real story' of things that are happening in her child hood. Such as, the real reason she's not allowed in a neighbor kid's house (because there are some drug issues and police involvement).
Such is the case for many new moms, I wrote in it pretty regularly for a while. And then I stopped. In my mind I didn't realize that I had stopped tho. Every night when I lay with her, putting her to bed, I write out in my mind journal entries. I draft them in my head with the intention of getting up once she fell asleep and put them down on paper. But then I'd fall asleep.
The other night I actually managed to stay awake and after she was out I got up and grabbed the book. I crept downstairs and sat on the couch to get caught up on my writing. I still can't believe what I saw.
The last entry in the book was September 29, 2006. The day of her first birthday. How is it possible that I haven't written anything in six years?! What was most disappointing was that I began the journal entry with how I was excited to celebrate her first birthday with.....
Then I stopped mid sentence. Ugh. I remember her first birthday clearly, tho I couldn't tell all the details. The food, the presents, her milestones. They are a faded memory. Not that it's necessarily important for her to know these things, but I actually enjoyed reading all the details up til that point. I had forgotten a bit of what was written, to be honest.
Such as this....when Cha was three weeks old we drove out west to introduce her to my parents and the rest of the family. I was a very nervous and unsure new mom and I was having a hard time with breastfeeding and pumping and making sure I wasn't breaking her. We were driving in Ohio and Cha had a massive blow out so we pulled over so I could change her. The blow out was so horrific that it was up her shirt, both front and back. The smell was almost blinding. I was not the most calm or graceful new mother so changing a mess of a diaper in the back seat of the car (did I mention it was 2 in the morning??) had me frazzled. Since I was a new mom and lacked experience I failed to pack a plastic bag to dispose of dirty diapers. There was no way I was going to keep that stink in the car so I threw it over my shoulder, onto the side of the side on the Ohio Turnpike. And that's when the state patrol pulled up and shined his light on me. I thought for sure he was going to arrest me for littering, or at least force me to go pick up the diaper. He got out of his car and started walking up to me. I cried out that my daughter had gotten sick and I had to change her clothes. He stopped dead in his tracks and thankfully kept his distance. He kept the spot light on me and waited for us to finish and drive off before he moved.
I tell this story to Cha every time we drive out west. She actually tells the story now and points out where it happened (she claims to remember the spot). Only it didn't happen in Ohio, it was Indiana, so says the journal. Thankfully the rest of it is correct.
So the other night I forced myself to stay up late and fill the journal in with the highlights of the last six years. I only got four years updated and skipped most of the details, which is sad because as they say the beauty is in the details.
Two days ago was the third anniversary of my brother's death. As expected, it hit me hard. I talked to Cha about him and I recounted some of my favorite memories. We talked about the drive out to my parent's house after he died and all the details surrounding that trip (including her calling the St. Louis Arch the castle where her brother lives). She asked how Uncle Keith died and I told her he was very sick and his body just broke down. That's enough to hold off a seven year old. In the journal however I wrote more detailed information regarding mental illness, depression and suicide. I'm hoping the 20 year old girl I imagine her to be when she reads this book will appreciate the honesty and agree that seven is a bit to young for such heavy topics. I also want her to know how powerfully strong her grandmother was, and understand how her death hit me so hard.
I'm looking forward to the day when she's old enough for adult conversations.
Such is the case for many new moms, I wrote in it pretty regularly for a while. And then I stopped. In my mind I didn't realize that I had stopped tho. Every night when I lay with her, putting her to bed, I write out in my mind journal entries. I draft them in my head with the intention of getting up once she fell asleep and put them down on paper. But then I'd fall asleep.
The other night I actually managed to stay awake and after she was out I got up and grabbed the book. I crept downstairs and sat on the couch to get caught up on my writing. I still can't believe what I saw.
The last entry in the book was September 29, 2006. The day of her first birthday. How is it possible that I haven't written anything in six years?! What was most disappointing was that I began the journal entry with how I was excited to celebrate her first birthday with.....
Then I stopped mid sentence. Ugh. I remember her first birthday clearly, tho I couldn't tell all the details. The food, the presents, her milestones. They are a faded memory. Not that it's necessarily important for her to know these things, but I actually enjoyed reading all the details up til that point. I had forgotten a bit of what was written, to be honest.
Such as this....when Cha was three weeks old we drove out west to introduce her to my parents and the rest of the family. I was a very nervous and unsure new mom and I was having a hard time with breastfeeding and pumping and making sure I wasn't breaking her. We were driving in Ohio and Cha had a massive blow out so we pulled over so I could change her. The blow out was so horrific that it was up her shirt, both front and back. The smell was almost blinding. I was not the most calm or graceful new mother so changing a mess of a diaper in the back seat of the car (did I mention it was 2 in the morning??) had me frazzled. Since I was a new mom and lacked experience I failed to pack a plastic bag to dispose of dirty diapers. There was no way I was going to keep that stink in the car so I threw it over my shoulder, onto the side of the side on the Ohio Turnpike. And that's when the state patrol pulled up and shined his light on me. I thought for sure he was going to arrest me for littering, or at least force me to go pick up the diaper. He got out of his car and started walking up to me. I cried out that my daughter had gotten sick and I had to change her clothes. He stopped dead in his tracks and thankfully kept his distance. He kept the spot light on me and waited for us to finish and drive off before he moved.
I tell this story to Cha every time we drive out west. She actually tells the story now and points out where it happened (she claims to remember the spot). Only it didn't happen in Ohio, it was Indiana, so says the journal. Thankfully the rest of it is correct.
So the other night I forced myself to stay up late and fill the journal in with the highlights of the last six years. I only got four years updated and skipped most of the details, which is sad because as they say the beauty is in the details.
Two days ago was the third anniversary of my brother's death. As expected, it hit me hard. I talked to Cha about him and I recounted some of my favorite memories. We talked about the drive out to my parent's house after he died and all the details surrounding that trip (including her calling the St. Louis Arch the castle where her brother lives). She asked how Uncle Keith died and I told her he was very sick and his body just broke down. That's enough to hold off a seven year old. In the journal however I wrote more detailed information regarding mental illness, depression and suicide. I'm hoping the 20 year old girl I imagine her to be when she reads this book will appreciate the honesty and agree that seven is a bit to young for such heavy topics. I also want her to know how powerfully strong her grandmother was, and understand how her death hit me so hard.
I'm looking forward to the day when she's old enough for adult conversations.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
getting there
This has been my 2012.
I am really looking forward to 2013. I'm excited to start a fresh new year.
I am really looking forward to 2013. I'm excited to start a fresh new year.
Monday, April 23, 2012
hey kid
i am sad thinking about you. i wish i could do something to pick you up out of this nightmare and give you a better life. a life where you love yourself and you feel confident that people love and care about you. and protect you. especially protect you.
but i am just a person and i cannot do all that i want to do. i wish i had an endless supply of patience, money, time, and strength but i don't. i have love but that has been proven not to be enough. i wish it were.
i think about you often and pray for your future. please reach out to me.
but i am just a person and i cannot do all that i want to do. i wish i had an endless supply of patience, money, time, and strength but i don't. i have love but that has been proven not to be enough. i wish it were.
i think about you often and pray for your future. please reach out to me.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Happy Birthday George!
We made several visits to Valley Forge National Park this weekend to celebrate President's Day. They hosted a birthday party for George Washington complete with artillery demonstration (those canons are LOUD), reenactors, crafts for the kids, lots of music and cake for the big guy himself.
The weather was perfect and we had a fabulous time. I love being surrounded by so much history.
Friday, October 28, 2011
favorite wisconsin story ever
My cousin Bob worked at the Tamarack in Portage and every time we were in town (which is usually a couple times a year) we stop in and say hello.
One night we went in and asked 'Is Bob working?' The waitress said 'Who?' We replied 'Bob.' The name didn't register at first until she said 'Oh! You mean Bahb! (said in the finest Wisconsin accent). Who knew there were so many different ways to pronounce Bob?
Bobby passed away Wednesday afternoon from a heart attack. He was only 40. Both his father and grandfather died young from the same. Sad is an understatement.
When my dad called me with news it didn't compute. He said: 'Your cousin Bobby died' and I couldn't put the words together. You see, another of my cousins is very sick at the moment. He's at the end stage of a cancer that spread to numerous organs in his body. That call would have been sad, but it would have made sense. A call about Bobby? Does not compute.
I would love to be there for the service, but I just can't. I mean, physically I could hop in the car today and be there in time but emotionally it's nearly impossible. I am not ready to gather around the family and mourn the passing of another loved one. I need more time. I am also not ready to tell Cha that Cousin Bobby, who we just saw in July has died. There's been far too many death notices in her short life already.
We may go visit for Thanksgiving or wait until next summer and I can tell her then. I just don't know. We both need some time.
Rest in Peace Bob.
One night we went in and asked 'Is Bob working?' The waitress said 'Who?' We replied 'Bob.' The name didn't register at first until she said 'Oh! You mean Bahb! (said in the finest Wisconsin accent). Who knew there were so many different ways to pronounce Bob?
Bobby passed away Wednesday afternoon from a heart attack. He was only 40. Both his father and grandfather died young from the same. Sad is an understatement.
When my dad called me with news it didn't compute. He said: 'Your cousin Bobby died' and I couldn't put the words together. You see, another of my cousins is very sick at the moment. He's at the end stage of a cancer that spread to numerous organs in his body. That call would have been sad, but it would have made sense. A call about Bobby? Does not compute.
I would love to be there for the service, but I just can't. I mean, physically I could hop in the car today and be there in time but emotionally it's nearly impossible. I am not ready to gather around the family and mourn the passing of another loved one. I need more time. I am also not ready to tell Cha that Cousin Bobby, who we just saw in July has died. There's been far too many death notices in her short life already.
We may go visit for Thanksgiving or wait until next summer and I can tell her then. I just don't know. We both need some time.
Rest in Peace Bob.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
i don't know how she does it
Last night some friends and I went to see I Don't Know How She Does It, which is the new movie by Sarah Jessica Parker.
Tagline: A working mother strives to balance her demanding career with the stress of raising two young children and maintaining a healthy marriage
The movie irked me. It did a disservice to working moms everywhere. So cliched and simplistic. I hope the real world doesn't think that's what it's really like for 'us'. Two separate times I was ready to walk out.
My advice to the main character Kate, who finds herself way too frazzled over self created drama:
Get yourself a full time live-in nanny. The movie family suffered many times due to a nanny who was habitually late and had to leave at 5:00 pm. That's totally unrealistic. As a former nanny, I know. I understand finding a caretaker who holds a special place in the children's lives, but she's there to do a job for the family and if she can't be there when the family needs her, she's got to go.
Buying bakery made desserts is not the end of the world. Staying up late and stressing yourself out by trying to make a store-bought pie look homemade is just stupid. Seriously. Especially for a school bake sale, which is voluntary. Order from a local bakery who delivers or better yet ask the full time, live in nanny if she could take on the task.
If you are lucky enough to have a high powered career that you love, rejoice. Do not buy into the guilt about 'not being there for your kids'. If you're successful in talking a billion dollar company into investing in your mutual fund proposal, you're smart enough to know that your children have a tremendous advantage over millions of other children in this world.
It is very possible, without much effort really, to have a friendly and platonic working relationship with an attractive co-worker without either of you signing your emails with 'XO'.
In the business world, brushing your hair is pretty much expected.
Cha has not once ever said she wished that I stayed home. She knows a world where both of her parents have jobs during the day and the family is home together at night. It's natural and Matt and I have never apologized to her for it. She is aware that some of her friends have a parent who stays at home but we have never told her that one is better than the other. Just like some are happy in the city and others in the country, people are different. If you continually apologize to your kid for having to work and not be home, they're going to use that against you.
If a child is having a near mental breakdown over her mother not being there to build a snowman with her, there are much bigger issues than the mother having, wanting or needing to work. The child needs to know that sometimes mom and dad have to say no, but that doesn't mean the child is any less a priority.
One thing I will agree with are the sleepless nights due to the lists that never seem to shorten. I can keep myself up all night thinking about the 500 things that need to get done asap. My current stresser is that my list is scattered among four different notebooks. One of my top five to-do items is consolidating the list so nothing (further) falls through the cracks.
It will get done because eventually everything does.
Tagline: A working mother strives to balance her demanding career with the stress of raising two young children and maintaining a healthy marriage
The movie irked me. It did a disservice to working moms everywhere. So cliched and simplistic. I hope the real world doesn't think that's what it's really like for 'us'. Two separate times I was ready to walk out.
My advice to the main character Kate, who finds herself way too frazzled over self created drama:
Get yourself a full time live-in nanny. The movie family suffered many times due to a nanny who was habitually late and had to leave at 5:00 pm. That's totally unrealistic. As a former nanny, I know. I understand finding a caretaker who holds a special place in the children's lives, but she's there to do a job for the family and if she can't be there when the family needs her, she's got to go.
Buying bakery made desserts is not the end of the world. Staying up late and stressing yourself out by trying to make a store-bought pie look homemade is just stupid. Seriously. Especially for a school bake sale, which is voluntary. Order from a local bakery who delivers or better yet ask the full time, live in nanny if she could take on the task.
If you are lucky enough to have a high powered career that you love, rejoice. Do not buy into the guilt about 'not being there for your kids'. If you're successful in talking a billion dollar company into investing in your mutual fund proposal, you're smart enough to know that your children have a tremendous advantage over millions of other children in this world.
It is very possible, without much effort really, to have a friendly and platonic working relationship with an attractive co-worker without either of you signing your emails with 'XO'.
In the business world, brushing your hair is pretty much expected.
Cha has not once ever said she wished that I stayed home. She knows a world where both of her parents have jobs during the day and the family is home together at night. It's natural and Matt and I have never apologized to her for it. She is aware that some of her friends have a parent who stays at home but we have never told her that one is better than the other. Just like some are happy in the city and others in the country, people are different. If you continually apologize to your kid for having to work and not be home, they're going to use that against you.
If a child is having a near mental breakdown over her mother not being there to build a snowman with her, there are much bigger issues than the mother having, wanting or needing to work. The child needs to know that sometimes mom and dad have to say no, but that doesn't mean the child is any less a priority.
One thing I will agree with are the sleepless nights due to the lists that never seem to shorten. I can keep myself up all night thinking about the 500 things that need to get done asap. My current stresser is that my list is scattered among four different notebooks. One of my top five to-do items is consolidating the list so nothing (further) falls through the cracks.
It will get done because eventually everything does.
Monday, June 6, 2011
give my kid a camera
Yesterday was Wonder Niece's graduation party. I gave Cha my camera and told her to take pics of all the fun. She's actually surprisingly good with the camera. The snapshot above may just look like the work of a five year old but I think there's a bit of artistic genius in that angle.
Following along with my post-antidepressants journey, this weekend was filled with awesomeness. I'm still not sure if it's the sun or the lack of meds that are making me feel so happy but whatever it is, I am grateful.
Friday afternoon Cha's school held a Family Fun Day party. They had a bounce castle, a musician, bubble machine, ice cream truck and a kid size buffet of yummy food. The weather was beautiful and it was sweet watching my child play with her school-family. After the party we met some friends at a local pottery store. The kids made Father's Day presents and I have to say I enjoyed the experience. You would think eight wild kids in a pottery story would make for a stressful evening, but it turned out well. We'll be heading back soon for a ladies-only pottery session.
Saturday morning Cha's Daisy Troop visited a local florist. Each Daisy planted flowers for herself, toured a garden and learned about bees. (Shout out to Risher Van Horn who offer a very nice program for scouts.) At the end of the session the girls created a large planter of flowers which was presented to a local family whose son has been serving in Afghanistan and Iraq for the last four years.
As I said the weekend was filled with awesomeness. Coming up we have Cha's kinder graduation, a field-trip filled summer, a wedding (or two), a visit with Grandpa and the cousins, and lots of swimming with family and friends. Looking forward!
Budding Bee Keepers
Congrats to Wonder Niece!Sunday, May 29, 2011
a dream
True Story.
Last night I had a dream that I went to prison. The beginning of the dream was very involved and detailed the process of getting to the cell. Not that I have any idea what going to prison is like, but my dream made it seem very frustrating.
There were long lines with miserable and scary people, terrible smells, itchy clothing and fear. There were hundreds of us, men and women, being processed and that part of the dream was certainly a nightmare.
Once we were behind the bars I ran into one of my mom friends. There was no mention of what brought us there but we clutched each other and giggled a little bit behind our fear.
One mom friend turned into two and then there were six. And then a pool and hot tub appeared, and internet access, and video chatting with family members. Looking across the hall we could see the husbands who were watching TV and playing cards. Then one of the guards started sneaking our kids in to see us. Our cells became bigger and we made them more homey. The kids got to sleep over and covered the walls with pictures.
We'd meet up with the husbands/dads in the prison yard which grew a pond with a gazebo and we all got a chance to fish. After a while that prison turned into quite a beautiful place.
It's been nearly ten years since my husband and I met. We were both recently divorced and he answered my online personal ad. Ten crazy years. I guess that was on my mind last night before I went to bed.
Last night I had a dream that I went to prison. The beginning of the dream was very involved and detailed the process of getting to the cell. Not that I have any idea what going to prison is like, but my dream made it seem very frustrating.
There were long lines with miserable and scary people, terrible smells, itchy clothing and fear. There were hundreds of us, men and women, being processed and that part of the dream was certainly a nightmare.
Once we were behind the bars I ran into one of my mom friends. There was no mention of what brought us there but we clutched each other and giggled a little bit behind our fear.
One mom friend turned into two and then there were six. And then a pool and hot tub appeared, and internet access, and video chatting with family members. Looking across the hall we could see the husbands who were watching TV and playing cards. Then one of the guards started sneaking our kids in to see us. Our cells became bigger and we made them more homey. The kids got to sleep over and covered the walls with pictures.
We'd meet up with the husbands/dads in the prison yard which grew a pond with a gazebo and we all got a chance to fish. After a while that prison turned into quite a beautiful place.
It's been nearly ten years since my husband and I met. We were both recently divorced and he answered my online personal ad. Ten crazy years. I guess that was on my mind last night before I went to bed.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Grateful
I've been feeling especially grateful this week. It's the holiday season and grief has left me feeling raw. Money is tight this year thanks to unexpected travel, broken vehicles, appliances, and a 40 year old house that is in much need of new windows. But still, I am feeling grateful.
I am healthy. My husband is healthy and so is my child. Money may be tight, but it's there. We are employed and paying our bills. We're refinancing the mortgage and saving $150 a month, which just covers the increase in our health care for 2011. Oh yes, the health insurance. We are so fortunate to have such wonderful care and even tho it does cost more this year than last, the premiums are minor compared to the alternative.
This month I have seen friends lose their jobs and their homes. There have been multiple hospitalizations, including a darling little five year old who very well may be spending this Christmas in ICU. A friend is struggling with providing even a single Christmas present for his children, who have had one sad and lonely year to start with. Heartbreaking stories.
Losing my mother has been very difficult. I feel the pain every day and pray that one day I will feel normal again. But, that pain seems natural and manageable in comparison to what others are dealing with.
Tomorrow I'll be taking Cha to see Santa. We'll probably spend $15 for a single picture but she'll get to see the big guy she's been talking about for months. This weekend Santa (paycheck in hand) starts her shopping for one sweet, funny, happy, healthy and loving five year old. They'll be less presents under the tree this year and nothing super extravagant, but I know we're still one of the fortunate ones.
Here are two pictures from my mother and brother's service last month. It was beautiful beyond words.
I am healthy. My husband is healthy and so is my child. Money may be tight, but it's there. We are employed and paying our bills. We're refinancing the mortgage and saving $150 a month, which just covers the increase in our health care for 2011. Oh yes, the health insurance. We are so fortunate to have such wonderful care and even tho it does cost more this year than last, the premiums are minor compared to the alternative.
This month I have seen friends lose their jobs and their homes. There have been multiple hospitalizations, including a darling little five year old who very well may be spending this Christmas in ICU. A friend is struggling with providing even a single Christmas present for his children, who have had one sad and lonely year to start with. Heartbreaking stories.
Losing my mother has been very difficult. I feel the pain every day and pray that one day I will feel normal again. But, that pain seems natural and manageable in comparison to what others are dealing with.
Tomorrow I'll be taking Cha to see Santa. We'll probably spend $15 for a single picture but she'll get to see the big guy she's been talking about for months. This weekend Santa (paycheck in hand) starts her shopping for one sweet, funny, happy, healthy and loving five year old. They'll be less presents under the tree this year and nothing super extravagant, but I know we're still one of the fortunate ones.
Here are two pictures from my mother and brother's service last month. It was beautiful beyond words.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Hurting
Confession: I am a friggen mess. Usually over the span of 24 hours I am angry, sad, depressed, anxious, bitter, melancholy, tired, achy, tense, overwhelmed, overstimulated, guilty, worried, cranky, sorry, grateful, and irritable with the more than occasional hot flash. Some days I can't stand to be me and prefer to keep my nightmare mood swings to myself. I have been assured by professionals that this will pass. I am desperately counting on it.
We are holding a memorial service for my mother and brother at the end of the month. That, in addition to the upcoming one year anniversary of my brother's suicide is taking a toll on my mental health. I have to keep reminding myself that it will get better.
The service will be held at the church where my parents were married. I've heard wonderful things about the pastor who will be performing the service but I've never met him and he did not know Mom or Keith. He asked if I, along with other family and friends, would email him stories and background to include in her sermon. Easier said than done.
Every day I tell myself that I've got to start writing something down about my mother. I never get more than a paragraph before I completely shut down. It's just too painful. I have beautiful memories of my mother. Great stories of fun times and moments of side splitting laughter. As I'm sitting here a dozen memories flashed before me but I cannot bring myself to think of them too long, and certainly not spend the time to write them down. Once the tears start I can't control when they stop, so I do what I can to keep them from starting. Memories force me to acknowledge that my mother is really gone forever. They slap me in the face with the truth that there will be no more laughing with my mom. No more phone calls. No more hugs or smiles or goofy times. Remembering happy times is too damn hard.
On the flip side, I had very little trouble writing something down about Keith. I shared the harsh reality of my brother's life and his death. I wrote of his love for his children and also the sadness in his world. I cried while I typed and had to stop several times to catch my breath. That said, it is much more difficult to think about the good times than the bad. In my email to the pastor I told him I was still working on something for my mom, but it will come later.
The pastor called me this afternoon after he read my email about Keith. I wasn't emotionally prepared to speak to him so I let his call go to voicemail. Several hours later I listened to the message and had a bit of a breakdown. He said what needed to be said and what I needed to hear. He's a man of compassion and I have faith he will do a beautiful job on the sermon.
This is all so hard. Every single bit of it. I go to suicide support meetings every month and see my therapist weekly. I thought I was handling things 'okay' but it feels like I've only touched the surface of recovery. Trying to wrap my heart around the loss of my mother on top of everything else is simply overwhelming.
I spoke to my dad tonight after I listened to the pastor's message. It was a good chat and we both admitted that we're looking forward to the service being over with. I know it is very important for the family and will provide much healing, but honestly the day after can't come soon enough.
23 days and counting.
We are holding a memorial service for my mother and brother at the end of the month. That, in addition to the upcoming one year anniversary of my brother's suicide is taking a toll on my mental health. I have to keep reminding myself that it will get better.
The service will be held at the church where my parents were married. I've heard wonderful things about the pastor who will be performing the service but I've never met him and he did not know Mom or Keith. He asked if I, along with other family and friends, would email him stories and background to include in her sermon. Easier said than done.
Every day I tell myself that I've got to start writing something down about my mother. I never get more than a paragraph before I completely shut down. It's just too painful. I have beautiful memories of my mother. Great stories of fun times and moments of side splitting laughter. As I'm sitting here a dozen memories flashed before me but I cannot bring myself to think of them too long, and certainly not spend the time to write them down. Once the tears start I can't control when they stop, so I do what I can to keep them from starting. Memories force me to acknowledge that my mother is really gone forever. They slap me in the face with the truth that there will be no more laughing with my mom. No more phone calls. No more hugs or smiles or goofy times. Remembering happy times is too damn hard.
On the flip side, I had very little trouble writing something down about Keith. I shared the harsh reality of my brother's life and his death. I wrote of his love for his children and also the sadness in his world. I cried while I typed and had to stop several times to catch my breath. That said, it is much more difficult to think about the good times than the bad. In my email to the pastor I told him I was still working on something for my mom, but it will come later.
The pastor called me this afternoon after he read my email about Keith. I wasn't emotionally prepared to speak to him so I let his call go to voicemail. Several hours later I listened to the message and had a bit of a breakdown. He said what needed to be said and what I needed to hear. He's a man of compassion and I have faith he will do a beautiful job on the sermon.
This is all so hard. Every single bit of it. I go to suicide support meetings every month and see my therapist weekly. I thought I was handling things 'okay' but it feels like I've only touched the surface of recovery. Trying to wrap my heart around the loss of my mother on top of everything else is simply overwhelming.
I spoke to my dad tonight after I listened to the pastor's message. It was a good chat and we both admitted that we're looking forward to the service being over with. I know it is very important for the family and will provide much healing, but honestly the day after can't come soon enough.
23 days and counting.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Something Cute and Funny
We had a wonderful time at the beach last weekend. Cha continues to be a water bird. She has no fear at all of the pool or the ocean. She did a fabulous job of holding her breath and going under. She started talking to a mom at the pool (someone we didn't know) telling the woman that she could swim. The mom had a five year old girl and she asked her daughter to show Cha how to hold her breath and go under. Watching another child do it made Cha want to master it, so she kept practicing it over and over. I don't think Matt or I would have been as successful teaching her what to do.
We took a boat trip around Assateague Island and saw the wild horses. We also did a little hermit crab hunting. It was adorable watching Cha jump in the bay with her little net. Everyone but us seemed to find something but Cha didn't mind. She had fun looking at everyone else's nets.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Catchup and the 20 foot Christmas tree
Back when my family lived in Santa Barbara we were far from the wealthiest house on the block. SB was filled with the über-rich and famous and I was lucky enough to make friends with a handful of them.
One day I had an after school choir practice at a classmate's house. She lived up the hills in one of the better parts of town. I remember we were rehearsing for the Christmas concert (back when we could actually call it a Christmas concert as opposed to a 'holiday' concert) and she had the tallest Christmas tree I had ever seen. The house had a two story living room and the tree went well past the top of the stairs. It was awesome.
When I got home that night I told my dad about it and he just kinda laughed. There was no way a tree that size would ever fit in our house (or in any of our houses since). I just had to enjoy that luxury of others and believe me I did.
I thought about that Christmas tree yesterday when we were over at a friend's house for a BBQ. J has one of the 20 foot tree type houses and I'm always in awe of how beautiful it is. This weekend however we snuck over to her neighbor's yard for a quick swim. Her neighbors were out of town and did give her permission to use the pool, but I felt a bit like an escaped convict sneaking thru her back yard, which is a mini forest, and dipping into the water.
The neighbor's house is very nice (tho I prefer J's) but the pool and the view are to die for! It's got a gorgeous view of Chester County without all the shopping malls, business parks and traffic jams. And since we had perfect weather yesterday you could see for miles. It was breathtaking. The pool was equally as impressive. I paused several times to remind myself to savor the moment. Cha had a fabulous day but I'm certain she didn't realize what a treat it was.
Last night we went to the Limerick fireworks with friends. We were with four families and the kids did very well together. Cha was a bit afraid of the loud booms but she watched and didn't cry. Matt, Cha and I snuggled together and watched the beautiful colors. It was the perfect way to end a perfect day.
Last weekend we went to Ocean City, Maryland with a couple of friends. It was two of my girlfriends and I with our three kids. With all the rain we've had recently I thought for sure the weekend would be a bust but we didn't see a single drop. Cha loved, loved, loved the ocean and insisted on jumping in all the waves. It scared me a bit thinking about how fearless she is. She kept asking to go deeper and deeper and I was afraid that she might feel comfortable running in there without me. I debated with myself whether it was better to keep her in the shallow water or allow her to experience the big waves. I am usually a cautious mom, especially when Matt's not around to lend a hand, but I decided that I wasn't doing her any favors by keeping her in a cage. The two of us had so much fun jumping the waves together and laughed as they knocked us to the ground. We sat on the sand and let the water splash onto our legs and up to our waists and enjoyed every minute. It was one of the year's highlights and totally worth all the time it took trying to get the sand out of our bottoms!
We are going back to Ocean City at the end of the month with another couple. They have a daughter Cha's age and they are very cute together. They were together at the fireworks last night and had fun pretend sleeping. I'm wondering if we can get away with putting the two of them in a room by themselves. That will give the adults some peace and quiet. I can't wait to get back to the beach and play with my little girl.
Three weeks ago we planted vegetables in the back yard. I thought they were doing great until I saw Andrea's garden this weekend. She started with seeds a month ago and her corn is already waist high. I've got garden-envy. I hope my little slice of dirt puts out.
: )
One day I had an after school choir practice at a classmate's house. She lived up the hills in one of the better parts of town. I remember we were rehearsing for the Christmas concert (back when we could actually call it a Christmas concert as opposed to a 'holiday' concert) and she had the tallest Christmas tree I had ever seen. The house had a two story living room and the tree went well past the top of the stairs. It was awesome.
When I got home that night I told my dad about it and he just kinda laughed. There was no way a tree that size would ever fit in our house (or in any of our houses since). I just had to enjoy that luxury of others and believe me I did.
I thought about that Christmas tree yesterday when we were over at a friend's house for a BBQ. J has one of the 20 foot tree type houses and I'm always in awe of how beautiful it is. This weekend however we snuck over to her neighbor's yard for a quick swim. Her neighbors were out of town and did give her permission to use the pool, but I felt a bit like an escaped convict sneaking thru her back yard, which is a mini forest, and dipping into the water.
The neighbor's house is very nice (tho I prefer J's) but the pool and the view are to die for! It's got a gorgeous view of Chester County without all the shopping malls, business parks and traffic jams. And since we had perfect weather yesterday you could see for miles. It was breathtaking. The pool was equally as impressive. I paused several times to remind myself to savor the moment. Cha had a fabulous day but I'm certain she didn't realize what a treat it was.
Last night we went to the Limerick fireworks with friends. We were with four families and the kids did very well together. Cha was a bit afraid of the loud booms but she watched and didn't cry. Matt, Cha and I snuggled together and watched the beautiful colors. It was the perfect way to end a perfect day.
Last weekend we went to Ocean City, Maryland with a couple of friends. It was two of my girlfriends and I with our three kids. With all the rain we've had recently I thought for sure the weekend would be a bust but we didn't see a single drop. Cha loved, loved, loved the ocean and insisted on jumping in all the waves. It scared me a bit thinking about how fearless she is. She kept asking to go deeper and deeper and I was afraid that she might feel comfortable running in there without me. I debated with myself whether it was better to keep her in the shallow water or allow her to experience the big waves. I am usually a cautious mom, especially when Matt's not around to lend a hand, but I decided that I wasn't doing her any favors by keeping her in a cage. The two of us had so much fun jumping the waves together and laughed as they knocked us to the ground. We sat on the sand and let the water splash onto our legs and up to our waists and enjoyed every minute. It was one of the year's highlights and totally worth all the time it took trying to get the sand out of our bottoms!
We are going back to Ocean City at the end of the month with another couple. They have a daughter Cha's age and they are very cute together. They were together at the fireworks last night and had fun pretend sleeping. I'm wondering if we can get away with putting the two of them in a room by themselves. That will give the adults some peace and quiet. I can't wait to get back to the beach and play with my little girl.
Three weeks ago we planted vegetables in the back yard. I thought they were doing great until I saw Andrea's garden this weekend. She started with seeds a month ago and her corn is already waist high. I've got garden-envy. I hope my little slice of dirt puts out.
: )
Monday, June 22, 2009
My kid cracks me up
My favorite quotes of the day:
While eating lunch with her classmates (as told to me by her teacher).....
'And then a caterpillar jumped into the pool. He wasn't even wearing a swim suit!'
While walking past the bra section in Target on the way to find flip-flops. I'm shocked at the little things she remembers....
'Mommy, they need to put the tubes back in and pull out more blood. Your boobies are getting too big!'
My biggest laugh of the day however came from my own mother. We were reminiscing about great events in Jenkins history.
'I think I just ate my napkin!'
The only quote that trumps the napkin comment is....
'I found a luggage rack.'
It still brings tears to my eyes and I will always remember my parents and I trying to eat breakfast at a diner in Illinois. We were laughing so hard we couldn't eat - and that says a lot!
The deluxe luggage rack - as seen in New York's finest hotels!
While eating lunch with her classmates (as told to me by her teacher).....
'And then a caterpillar jumped into the pool. He wasn't even wearing a swim suit!'
While walking past the bra section in Target on the way to find flip-flops. I'm shocked at the little things she remembers....
'Mommy, they need to put the tubes back in and pull out more blood. Your boobies are getting too big!'
My biggest laugh of the day however came from my own mother. We were reminiscing about great events in Jenkins history.
'I think I just ate my napkin!'
The only quote that trumps the napkin comment is....
'I found a luggage rack.'
It still brings tears to my eyes and I will always remember my parents and I trying to eat breakfast at a diner in Illinois. We were laughing so hard we couldn't eat - and that says a lot!
The deluxe luggage rack - as seen in New York's finest hotels!Thursday, May 28, 2009
Road Trip!
Cha and I are headed out on our first solo road trip tomorrow. We're waking up bright and early and heading West.
The September Moms are getting together for a giant birthday celebration in Cincinnati. Eight moms will be meeting up at the Cincinnati Zoo followed by a fabulous cookout with BFF Dr. Coonhead. I can't tell you all how excited I am to spend time with these ladies.
Four of the moms were born the last ten days of May, ten kids who were born in September 05 and six September babe siblings. That's going to be a big crew!
I'll post pictures after the big event. There are sure to be plenty of laughter and tears.
The September Moms are getting together for a giant birthday celebration in Cincinnati. Eight moms will be meeting up at the Cincinnati Zoo followed by a fabulous cookout with BFF Dr. Coonhead. I can't tell you all how excited I am to spend time with these ladies.
Four of the moms were born the last ten days of May, ten kids who were born in September 05 and six September babe siblings. That's going to be a big crew!
I'll post pictures after the big event. There are sure to be plenty of laughter and tears.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
May 24
This was my birthday weekend and I had a wonderful time. It started Friday night with drinks and Quizzo with girlfriends at Fitzwater Station. We stayed out much longer than I thought we would but we had to stay to the end of Quizzo to see how we fared. I wish I could say we won, but oh well.
Saturday Cha and I got to ride on a firetruck, complete with sirens blaring. It was a program at Limerick Fire Company. They did a fabulous demonstration for the kids (Don't Fear the Fire Gear!) and allowed all the kids to buckle up in the trucks and took them for a short ride.
Saturday afternoon we met up with Cha's BFF Kenzie for some playtime in the park. They ran and climbed and chased each other time they practically fell over.
Sunday we had a breakfast playdate with friends. It was a beautiful morning and very relaxing.
Sunday night Matt grilled some fish and then we had the cake that he and Cha baked for me. It was yummy and the perfect ending to a great birthday.
For my birthday I upgraded my old phone to the Blackberry Pearl that I've been drooling over. I've been thinking about it for over a year but wanted to wait til Verizon offered me a free upgrade. I picked it up last week and was actually afraid to turn on the service. The phone is so intimidating! I'm still trying to figure it out but I love it!
Yesterday was a house day. We hung around at home, played in the sprinklers out back and did some cleaning. It was a bonus day to a great weekend.
Saturday Cha and I got to ride on a firetruck, complete with sirens blaring. It was a program at Limerick Fire Company. They did a fabulous demonstration for the kids (Don't Fear the Fire Gear!) and allowed all the kids to buckle up in the trucks and took them for a short ride.
Saturday afternoon we met up with Cha's BFF Kenzie for some playtime in the park. They ran and climbed and chased each other time they practically fell over.
Sunday we had a breakfast playdate with friends. It was a beautiful morning and very relaxing.
(this is the dog i am dreaming of)
Sunday night Matt grilled some fish and then we had the cake that he and Cha baked for me. It was yummy and the perfect ending to a great birthday.
For my birthday I upgraded my old phone to the Blackberry Pearl that I've been drooling over. I've been thinking about it for over a year but wanted to wait til Verizon offered me a free upgrade. I picked it up last week and was actually afraid to turn on the service. The phone is so intimidating! I'm still trying to figure it out but I love it!
Yesterday was a house day. We hung around at home, played in the sprinklers out back and did some cleaning. It was a bonus day to a great weekend. Sunday, April 19, 2009
Another Sunday
Wow, I can't believe I haven't updated since the 5th. Time is flying.
I am stressing over money and Matt's case and trying to find hope that things will get better. I have a sinus infection and not breathing very well. My allergies are killing me and the weather lately has been depressing.
I have an appt with my shrink tomorrow. I am hopeful that she'll somehow give me a jolt of happy energy.
Here are some random pictures....
kristen G made these adorable cupcakes for our egg hunt. She's so talented.
Happy 60th birthday Pa!
I am stressing over money and Matt's case and trying to find hope that things will get better. I have a sinus infection and not breathing very well. My allergies are killing me and the weather lately has been depressing.
I have an appt with my shrink tomorrow. I am hopeful that she'll somehow give me a jolt of happy energy.
Here are some random pictures....
kristen G made these adorable cupcakes for our egg hunt. She's so talented.
Happy 60th birthday Pa!Sunday, April 5, 2009
Seven years of therapy
It was that kind of day. I feel like I experienced seven years of growth in a 24 hour period and it didn't cost me one single co-pay.
I spent the bulk of the day either getting ready for or enjoying my time at the Philadelphia Zoo with Matt and Cha. Matt and I decided early this morning that we wanted to see the animals. Actually, we planned on going to the local zoo which is a bit smaller. When we told Cha where we were going she said she was excited to see the elephants and zebras, neither of which the local zoo has so we headed downtown.
We had a fantastic time and I caught myself getting choked up several times during the day. Watching Cha react to the animals made me flashback to the zoo trips from my childhood. I loved going to the zoo and the whole process of getting ready, packing the car and driving up to the entrance. It was such an event and seeing the animals close up was such a treat. I pray that Cha grows up and remembers today fondly. She had an unusual amount of breakdowns today and I have a feeling that she's getting another ear infection, but I'm hoping she won't remember today's tears.
On the drive home I started feeling woozy and knew that a migraine was coming on. The sun, hours of walking and the Philly traffic was a bit too much so by the time we got home my head was pounding. I managed to nip it in the bud tho with a long nap in a cold dark room. I woke up feeling spent and drugged but the pain was gone. It was late so I fed Cha dinner, gave her a bath and went to the grocery store while Matt put her to bed.
On the way to the store I called Kristen. Oh boy. Where do I begin?
Kristen and I have known each other since we were five years old and she was my first ever BFF. We were inseparable when we were kids. Our families were close and she came on many of my favorite family vacations. Most of my best memories as a young girl include Kristen and now that I have a daughter I think of her often. Sitting on Cha's floor playing Barbies with her brings me back to playing Barbies at Kristen's house. She had all the cool accessories including the Barbie airplane and cars.
My family moved away in junior high and Kristen and I lost touch. A while back she started looking for me and thanks to the beauty of MySpace, Facebook and my brother Jim, we hooked up again. We emailed a bit and arranged to speak tonight.
From the very moment she answered the phone I felt at home and comfortable. Here was someone who shared my best times and knew me well. The words flowed easily and if it weren't for two dying cell phone batteries, we could have jabbed another hour.
We spoke about good times and bad and a bit about mutual friends. At one point the conversation took an unexpected turn. We were catching up on our families and next thing you know we were talking mommy issues. (Don't stop reading Mom!) Our mothers were (and still are) very much alike and as she talked about her mother I couldn't help but give my perspective. She also gave her perspective on recollections I have of my mother. Seriously, that's a pretty big wow.
Not that either of our upbringings were war zones but My Mother/My Self didn't become a best seller for no reason. Mother and daughter relationships are complicated and I am very aware of that now that I have a daughter of my own. I can't tell you how liberating it was having someone who lived my childhood with me give me her point of view. You know how you can spend a great day at the beach (0r the zoo!), stub your toe on the way to the car and then spend the rest of the day obsessing over your toe and totally forgetting about playing in the waves? Well, imagine having someone come back 30 years later and remind you of all those little details. Amazing.
At age 41 I am proud to say that I love my mother and I love Ann, Kristen's mother. They are both great women who worked hard, had fun and raised wild children. I pray that 40 years from now Cha has a BFF that she can reminisce about her mother with. And I pray that all the little stumbles (hers and mine) are overlooked and only great memories remain.
I spent the bulk of the day either getting ready for or enjoying my time at the Philadelphia Zoo with Matt and Cha. Matt and I decided early this morning that we wanted to see the animals. Actually, we planned on going to the local zoo which is a bit smaller. When we told Cha where we were going she said she was excited to see the elephants and zebras, neither of which the local zoo has so we headed downtown.
We had a fantastic time and I caught myself getting choked up several times during the day. Watching Cha react to the animals made me flashback to the zoo trips from my childhood. I loved going to the zoo and the whole process of getting ready, packing the car and driving up to the entrance. It was such an event and seeing the animals close up was such a treat. I pray that Cha grows up and remembers today fondly. She had an unusual amount of breakdowns today and I have a feeling that she's getting another ear infection, but I'm hoping she won't remember today's tears.
On the drive home I started feeling woozy and knew that a migraine was coming on. The sun, hours of walking and the Philly traffic was a bit too much so by the time we got home my head was pounding. I managed to nip it in the bud tho with a long nap in a cold dark room. I woke up feeling spent and drugged but the pain was gone. It was late so I fed Cha dinner, gave her a bath and went to the grocery store while Matt put her to bed.
On the way to the store I called Kristen. Oh boy. Where do I begin?
Kristen and I have known each other since we were five years old and she was my first ever BFF. We were inseparable when we were kids. Our families were close and she came on many of my favorite family vacations. Most of my best memories as a young girl include Kristen and now that I have a daughter I think of her often. Sitting on Cha's floor playing Barbies with her brings me back to playing Barbies at Kristen's house. She had all the cool accessories including the Barbie airplane and cars.
My family moved away in junior high and Kristen and I lost touch. A while back she started looking for me and thanks to the beauty of MySpace, Facebook and my brother Jim, we hooked up again. We emailed a bit and arranged to speak tonight.
From the very moment she answered the phone I felt at home and comfortable. Here was someone who shared my best times and knew me well. The words flowed easily and if it weren't for two dying cell phone batteries, we could have jabbed another hour.
We spoke about good times and bad and a bit about mutual friends. At one point the conversation took an unexpected turn. We were catching up on our families and next thing you know we were talking mommy issues. (Don't stop reading Mom!) Our mothers were (and still are) very much alike and as she talked about her mother I couldn't help but give my perspective. She also gave her perspective on recollections I have of my mother. Seriously, that's a pretty big wow.
Not that either of our upbringings were war zones but My Mother/My Self didn't become a best seller for no reason. Mother and daughter relationships are complicated and I am very aware of that now that I have a daughter of my own. I can't tell you how liberating it was having someone who lived my childhood with me give me her point of view. You know how you can spend a great day at the beach (0r the zoo!), stub your toe on the way to the car and then spend the rest of the day obsessing over your toe and totally forgetting about playing in the waves? Well, imagine having someone come back 30 years later and remind you of all those little details. Amazing.
At age 41 I am proud to say that I love my mother and I love Ann, Kristen's mother. They are both great women who worked hard, had fun and raised wild children. I pray that 40 years from now Cha has a BFF that she can reminisce about her mother with. And I pray that all the little stumbles (hers and mine) are overlooked and only great memories remain.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Update on SIL#3
I called SIL#3 today. She said the surgery went well yesterday. They took out several more lymph nodes and her surgeon said that at first glance he thinks they're going to be fine. The results will be in tomorrow so please pray that there are no further cancer cells.
She said she's feeling okay. The pain is manageable but she keeps getting hit with crying fits. She'll be thinking positive one moment and then just start crying. She's got a big challenge ahead of her and is understandably overwhelmed.
My nephew, who is old enough to know what's going on, is scared. SIL#3 is doing her best to put him at ease but it's not like she can promise him that everything will be fine. Thankfully they've got people offering support and a helping hand. Cancer does bring out the worst and best in people.
She'll be staying one more night in the hospital and then going home tomorrow. She has two drains and won't be returning to work until they are removed.
As for me, I called my shrink yesterday and scheduled an appt. Better to get mad and scream at her than an innocent bystander.
She said she's feeling okay. The pain is manageable but she keeps getting hit with crying fits. She'll be thinking positive one moment and then just start crying. She's got a big challenge ahead of her and is understandably overwhelmed.
My nephew, who is old enough to know what's going on, is scared. SIL#3 is doing her best to put him at ease but it's not like she can promise him that everything will be fine. Thankfully they've got people offering support and a helping hand. Cancer does bring out the worst and best in people.
She'll be staying one more night in the hospital and then going home tomorrow. She has two drains and won't be returning to work until they are removed.
As for me, I called my shrink yesterday and scheduled an appt. Better to get mad and scream at her than an innocent bystander.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
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