How often do I think about the cancer? Every single morning.
I could wake up in the most fantastic mood ever, with a twinkle in my eye and a spring in my step. But the minute I step into the shower the cancer memories all come back. It's hard to overlook the lumps and the scars and strangely, the water falling on my arms that still have no feeling.
Every morning I start out remembering the call from Dr. Kripke and telling the September Moms that 'Yep, it's cancer.' I replay the diagnosis, the agonizing wait for the genetic test results and finally the surgery. I think about the first meeting with the plastic surgeon and how on that day recovery seemed like a million miles away. I also think about laying in the hospital bed for a week longing to wash my hair. I think about my first shower in the hospital and how fantastic the warm water felt against my skin. I think about showering with the drains at home and how when I stepped out of the tub I almost fainted when I got the first look at my whole body in the mirror. I was swollen and bruised and sore and tired and the tubes made me look non-human.
But now every day when I step out of my tub I am reminded that I've come a long way baby!
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Say it Ain't So!
I just got an email from my brother....
I think these kids need to spend a week with Auntie Ca to set them back on track.I just read your blog post regarding Cha and Tig and had to respond. Danielle, who always sleeps with our new kitten Dakota, started kicking her out at night. She says 'Kota' wants to sleep downstairs and carries her to the door. Michelle and I are totally surprised at this move, considering 3 weeks ago she couldn't fathom the idea of 'Kota' being in any other room.Has the Jenkins blood been purged through the feline filter? Is the end near?Dan
Maybe she's not mine?
'Mommy!'
Char screamed for me last night after I put her to bed. I rushed to her room and found her sitting upright with Tigger the kitten laying down next to her. Tig had his paws gently crossed and with his barely open eyes it was obvious that Char's scream just woke him up.
I asked her what was wrong and she said:
'I don't want kitty to sleep with me. Tell him to go away!'
What?! I didn't quite understand. She doesn't want the kitty to sleep with her? I'm not familiar with that line of thinking.
I explained that the kitty loved her and wanted to snuggle. I tried to tell her what an honor it is to have a kitty sleep with you. It meant you were special! She just wasn't buying it.
She put out her arm and tried to shove Tig off the bed. Being the wonderful feline that he is, he took it as an opportunity for some forced petting. He started rubbing his head against her arm and purring loudly. This ticked Char off royally! She was not in the mood and wanted that cat off her bed.
I kept putting Tigger on the floor and he kept jumping back up on the bed. I finally got him to settle down on the rocker but I'm sure once Char and I were both asleep he made his way back to her bed. He adores her and they are usually so cute together. I guess Char is that rare bird who doesn't appreciate snuggle time with a fur-baby.
I remember when I was a kid I had a cat named Kitty. I had to sleep with Kitty every night. She was an indoor/outdoor cat and if she wasn't in my room at bedtime I'd have to peak my head out the back door and call for her. She'd come running and I'd fall asleep with her wrapped around my neck. It was heaven.
Char screamed for me last night after I put her to bed. I rushed to her room and found her sitting upright with Tigger the kitten laying down next to her. Tig had his paws gently crossed and with his barely open eyes it was obvious that Char's scream just woke him up.
I asked her what was wrong and she said:
'I don't want kitty to sleep with me. Tell him to go away!'
What?! I didn't quite understand. She doesn't want the kitty to sleep with her? I'm not familiar with that line of thinking.
I explained that the kitty loved her and wanted to snuggle. I tried to tell her what an honor it is to have a kitty sleep with you. It meant you were special! She just wasn't buying it.
She put out her arm and tried to shove Tig off the bed. Being the wonderful feline that he is, he took it as an opportunity for some forced petting. He started rubbing his head against her arm and purring loudly. This ticked Char off royally! She was not in the mood and wanted that cat off her bed.
I kept putting Tigger on the floor and he kept jumping back up on the bed. I finally got him to settle down on the rocker but I'm sure once Char and I were both asleep he made his way back to her bed. He adores her and they are usually so cute together. I guess Char is that rare bird who doesn't appreciate snuggle time with a fur-baby.
I remember when I was a kid I had a cat named Kitty. I had to sleep with Kitty every night. She was an indoor/outdoor cat and if she wasn't in my room at bedtime I'd have to peak my head out the back door and call for her. She'd come running and I'd fall asleep with her wrapped around my neck. It was heaven.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Next Surgery - June 24th
I met with Dr. S early this morning. I was hoping to sleep in a little bit beforehand but Cha woke up at 5:00 am and refused to go back to sleep. She was a bundle of energy and refused to allow me to close my eyes for even a minute while she watched TV.
My appt was at 8:30 in Exton, which is usually only a 40 minute drive but it was prime school zone time so we hit every bus stop and school zone from here to there. It took just over and hour and I didn't get a chance to pick up a cup of coffee on the way.
I told Dr. S that I've been having problems with my right breast. There are a couple of hard areas right around the incision, which also happens to be the bra line. It hurts to wear a bra, especially the sports bras that I've been using to jog. He suggested I pad the area and see if it makes a difference. I've been massaging with cocoa butter and he said to concentrate in that area to try to work the hard spots out. We'll see what happens.
He also said that it's cool to schedule the Phase II surgery so we set it up for Tuesday June 24th. Less than two months to go! I am so excited to finally get it over with. I know I will feel better not to look at the obnoxious scars everyday and it will be nice to not think about it for a while.
I'll need to take a week or two off for recovery. He said it was a week or so but I had such a rough time after the first surgery that I don't want to push myself. My body didn't heal well thanks to the 'temporary' diabetes and I am expecting more of the same for the next surgery.
My appt was at 8:30 in Exton, which is usually only a 40 minute drive but it was prime school zone time so we hit every bus stop and school zone from here to there. It took just over and hour and I didn't get a chance to pick up a cup of coffee on the way.
I told Dr. S that I've been having problems with my right breast. There are a couple of hard areas right around the incision, which also happens to be the bra line. It hurts to wear a bra, especially the sports bras that I've been using to jog. He suggested I pad the area and see if it makes a difference. I've been massaging with cocoa butter and he said to concentrate in that area to try to work the hard spots out. We'll see what happens.
He also said that it's cool to schedule the Phase II surgery so we set it up for Tuesday June 24th. Less than two months to go! I am so excited to finally get it over with. I know I will feel better not to look at the obnoxious scars everyday and it will be nice to not think about it for a while.
I'll need to take a week or two off for recovery. He said it was a week or so but I had such a rough time after the first surgery that I don't want to push myself. My body didn't heal well thanks to the 'temporary' diabetes and I am expecting more of the same for the next surgery.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Why I love my Neighborhood
There are a 101 reasons to dislike my neighborhood, but here's my number one reason for staying here.
This was the scene outside the front door when we got home. Cha loves her girlfriends!
It was a beautiful day in Philly. Tomorrow I have a couple doctor appointments and then I head downtown to pick up my race packet for the Race for the Cure. I'll take Cha with me and we'll have some fun girly time.
This was the scene outside the front door when we got home. Cha loves her girlfriends!
It was a beautiful day in Philly. Tomorrow I have a couple doctor appointments and then I head downtown to pick up my race packet for the Race for the Cure. I'll take Cha with me and we'll have some fun girly time.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
me, me, me!
I know it seems redundant to declare a State of Selfishness on your personal blog but it's cheaper than a neon sign.
I had a session with my therapist yesterday and it was good. He prescribed a week+ of being selfish. I have been concentrating on making others happy and it's time to put myself first.
It's the nature of my family to be nice and please, please, please. You gotta put on a good face and keep up those social obligations. Make sure no one knows how miserable you are or more importantly how they're pissing you off.
This blog pretty much blew all that out the water. I have been honest since the get go and while I apologize if it led to hurt feelings, I wrote what I was experiencing at the time and it felt good to get it out. I realize there are seven sides to every coin but I was only sharing my point of view. I can't imagine even trying to hold all that in.
Now I've got to bring that to the real world and put me first. I have a plan of action to get myself healthy and that's my number one priority.
First on the agenda, continue my one hour a day routine of walking/jogging. It's a beautiful Sunday morning in Suburban Philadelphia so I'm off to put on my running shoes.
I had a session with my therapist yesterday and it was good. He prescribed a week+ of being selfish. I have been concentrating on making others happy and it's time to put myself first.
It's the nature of my family to be nice and please, please, please. You gotta put on a good face and keep up those social obligations. Make sure no one knows how miserable you are or more importantly how they're pissing you off.
This blog pretty much blew all that out the water. I have been honest since the get go and while I apologize if it led to hurt feelings, I wrote what I was experiencing at the time and it felt good to get it out. I realize there are seven sides to every coin but I was only sharing my point of view. I can't imagine even trying to hold all that in.
Now I've got to bring that to the real world and put me first. I have a plan of action to get myself healthy and that's my number one priority.
First on the agenda, continue my one hour a day routine of walking/jogging. It's a beautiful Sunday morning in Suburban Philadelphia so I'm off to put on my running shoes.
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