Five years is a big day in the cancer world. I realize how incredibly lucky I am. It has been a very emotional experience.
I found a wonderful community of breast cancer sisters at BCO when I was first diagnosed and those ladies offered a tremendous support system. The love, kindness, strength and knowledge surpassed any other resource.
The BCO discussion board has a long running Angel thread listing those who succumbed to this terrible disease. It's a humbling read and I check it regularly and say prayers for their families.
Here are the ladies who have passed since my diagnosis.
Lisa40 - Lisa Turner, 12/14/07
fitzpatti, Pat Fitzpatrick - 12/26/07
CY, b445, Cheryl Thomason - 2/19/08
Jenben25 - Jennifer Lynn Buron - 1/23/08
ForTheMoment - Erin Elise Van Dyke - 3/13/08
Debbie Miller - 3/13/08
Shepgirl - Kathryn Bronson - 3/12/08
Joanne1428 - Joanne Patricia Schweitzer - 3/19/08
fd411 - Ferne Dixon - 3/23/08
kelownagirl - Jill - 4/08
skirk - Sherri Kirk - friend of jonimb - 4/10/08
PaulaBeth - May 3, 2008
labradorsandra - Sandra Branton - 3/24/08
Valsul-Valerie Sullivan-Cheshire, UK - 6/13/08
ocinny414 - CindyKS - 6/16/08
KariLynn - Kari Lynn Spiers - Pittsburg, KS, 7/3/08
Kimmie39 - Kimberly Dawn Franklin - Winchester, VA 7/4/08
Pauline Jones - England - 6/7/08
Monica Pieterse - 27 yrs old - 7/10/08
Feeval, Valerie S.Juzna, - 9/26/08
Jacqueline Schevarth - 10/08
mother of mymothersbaby - 8/13/08
Melbourne Mum(Ruth) - June 30th 2008
JillT - Jill Tollefson - 10/08
jonimb - 10/22/08
jodian (Jodi Squire ) - 11/13/08
Tricia45 - 12/4/08
joyh (mother of kgodwin03) - 12/08
ShenD - 12/27/08
Bevnurse - - 10/29/08
Fancy - Kay Galipeau - 12/21/08
roja1955, Pat - 12/31/08
AlaskaDeb, Debbie Clonan - 1/25/09
HeatherBLocklear, "Annie Camel Tail", Annette Olsen-Fazi - 1/31/09
Blessed4, Angela Martinez-Medina - 2/14/09
freeariesonline, Robin Snyder - 2/10/09
CalGal, Julie - 2/19/09
Twink, Twilah Richardson - 2/22/09
arc229, Amy Comeau -3/3/09
slonedeb Deborah Lynne Slone - 4/3/09
Maya1 - 4/6/09
Patty4, Patricia A. Finnegan - 3/26/09
Toyful, Michelle Buffington - 4/27/09
sueeco, Sue Holmes - 5/6/09
waterlily, Ruth - 5/23/09
AZDarleen - 6/6/09
JerseyMaria, Donna Marie Dickscheid - 6/14/09
Kiminjax, Kim Barbato - 4/28/09
FLLoriK - 6/23/09
RanD, Randie Cipperly - 7/1/09
VickiG, Vicki Gallahue - 7/10/09
rooni, Rusty Tarbill - 7/14/09
ozzie2, Marion Wright (Australia) - 7/24/09
pinehouse, Lani - 8/12/09
debshusband's wife, Deb - 6/30/09
Debman, Deborah Mancini Wharff - 7/14/09
Cyberrand, Randy - 9/09
motherof3, Jennifer Anthony - 8/27/09
SunshineSmiles, Susan G. Elliot - 9/11/09
mena, Linda Minczuk - 9/14/09
Heidi_Ho - 9/30/09
virginiamom, Paula - 10/11/09
Mrs_X_Sunneedazee, Amber - 10/14/09
lv2cmp, Amy Vinson - 10-18-09
FloridaLady (FlaLady), Debbie - 10/20/09
geeta75, Geeta Morris - 10/21/09
TripleNeg, Stephanie Babb - 10/29/09
Swimfan, Robin Hoof - 10/22/09
Divine777, Divine Saleh - 6/19/09
WendyV - 11/4/09
lvtotravel, Lydia Schmock- 11/7/09
bettelou68, Bette George Dietrick - 11/28/09
Phyllis - 12/27/09
MREanes, Mike Eanes - 1/1/10
LynnW, Lynn Weymark - 10/20/09
riverinerabbit, Caerli - 1/18/10
kimmytoo - 1/10
denisela, Denise Parro - 1/24/10
Watson, Phyllis Gannon - 1/26/10
Kbugmom, Susan - 2/5/10
hatsarebetterthanwigs, Susie Hollingsworth - 2/16/10
abbyglp, Gale Louise Purifoy - 1/24/10
badboob67, Dianne - 2/2010
Steeny107, Michelle McAllister - 3/8/10
foxxf, Nicole - 2/21/10
wayover20, Patricia Alderete - 3/11/10
saint, Pat Wilson - 3/30/10
BonnieVA, Bonnie P. Kennedy - 3/16/10
Analemma, Brenda Roberts Funk - 4/15/10
Judiiiii, Judith K. Zemencuk - 3/3/10
kenzie57, Linda - 7/24/10
RobinTN, Robin - 6/29/10
zkacmom, Ginny Wood - 8/14/10
mason204, Cheryl - 8/19/10
BMDaley, Beth Daley - 8/22/10
Times3, Kendra - 8/2010
cwrightrn, Carole Wright - 9/12/10
AusAla or Beth Aus, Beth Ausborn - 9/24/10
nanalinda, Linda Henshaw - 9/24/10
egal, Ellen M. Gallagher - 9/17/10
heatherpalmerton, Heather Palmerton - 10/9/10
Irina - 10/14/10
dorfar, Dorothy Far Chrostek - 10/9/10
BCMomof3, Kristen - 10/27/10
EAD, Liz Cataldo -11/15/10
Tyra, Tyra Taylor-Hughes - 11/19/10
ChocolateLover, Michelle Brown - 12/8/10
Nine_Rugrats, Tonya - 12/2010
CarynRose, Caryn Rosenberg - 12/29/10
BMarie, Barbara Doss McLaren - 8/14/10
Angelsabove - 1/01/11
Melissa Braddy, MissyBraddy - 9/30/09
diana63 - 1/2011
Bopeep, Linora, MizSissy, Linda Swift - 1/17/11
Getwell, Pat - 1/15/11
Carolyn Habryl - 2/2011
LisaSDCA - 2/10/11
RobinWendy - 2/21/11
EyesOTex, Dana Crisp - 2/20/11
Melanie36 - 11/2010
DebZaz - 3/16/11
Olga Simkin Z"L - 3/23/11
khartoregon, Karen Hart - 3/1/11
g94u67, Jeannine Aresti - 4/13/11
teachersally8467, Sally C. Saroca-Pelington - 4/12/11
PauldingMom, Lisa Baumgart - 5/8/11
JustPayton, Samantha Pritchett - 5/18/11
BeckyOD, Rebecca Ponitzman Odonovan - 4/30/11
Pee, Paula Gerding - 6/10/11
luvmywife's wife, Amy - 4/5/11
konakat, Elizabeth Blair - 6/14/11
Leanneh, Leanne J. Hubley - 5/6/11
Robin-Kaye - 4/12/11
jleigh, Jennifer L. Phelps - 6/21/11
lindaa - 6/14/11
karendunn36 - 5/30/11
marshakb, Marsha K. Benningfield - 7/2/11
DARLENEDENISE, Darlene Denise Atkins - 5/30/11
mjsmom - 7/24/11
dragonfly, Debra - 5/7/11
Junie - 8/1/11
LibraryJenn, Jennifer Rae (Drury) Climenhaga - 7/22/2011
shan1171 - 8/18/11
sheaves, Donna - 9/7/11
katie11, Katie Staples - 8/4/11
Frankie_ , Francesca Foreman-McInnes - 2011
JoyRebecca, Joy Heady - 10/3/11
LC815, Linda Conner - 10/16/11
Goody, Marta Dailey Goodman - 9/14/11
Lashon2008, Lashon Baldwin - 10/2011
lisahugs1, Lisa Scznsny, - 10/2010
HollyinMich, 11/21/11
Lifestooshort, Laurie Ann Lasee - 11/10/11
mossybaby, Yvonne Depew - 12/13/11
Ruth1, Ruth Flick - 12/12/11
FightnF8, Lorelei - 1/1/12
LivingIt, Vivian Zoh Murphy - 1/10/12
Donnabee - 1/4/12
Ann R - 1/8/12
MJ6266,rd Luno Mary - 1/26/12
jloon, Jackie Mountford Lunot - 1/25/12
VC1, Vicki - 1/28/12
starbeauty, Esther - 2/9/12
Honeybear, Jennifer Killian - 2/14/12
Bruburn, Nicole Brufatto-Hepburn - 2/12/12
Alpal, Allison Orendorf Walter - 3/1/12
jintski, Sally - 3/2/12
LinTol, Linda Ann Toland - 1/31/12
EricV - 2/7/12
laurajane, Laura Jane Shively - 3/10/12
imbell, Mary Leila Bell - 1/9/12
Suze35 - 3/12/12
Deep81, Gurdeep Khangura - 1/2012
MBJ, Mary Jahn - 3/15/12
pamelajo, Pamela Jo Pruett - 7/5/11
BusQueen, Carie Gasperz - 3/2012
clemson93, Susan Barrineau Jones - 3/24/12
kathy36, Katherine Russell Rich - 4/3/12
Canchaser, Amy - 4/5/12
4everhopeful, Helen - 4/1/12
WingsofHope, Dana - 4/22/12
ksgeorge, Katrina George - 4/23/12
TexasKaren, Karen O'Briant - 4/27/12
elliem1207, Eleanor Miscioscia - 5/22/10
Jane_M, Jane Robert Murphy - 5/4/12
jeanne46 - 5/8/12
elleng, Joanna M. Klemm - 5/16/12
MJL, Martha Rall - 6/2012
stateofgrace33, Christine M. Cashell - 1/21/10
dreamwriter, Regina Evans - 7/2012
3katz, Amy - 6/21/12
blondelawyer, Lisa Worthington-Brown - 8/1/12
beccad - 8/6/12
jenn3, Jennifer Condit Grandolfo - 8/5/12
Reesie, Marie Giebel - 8/12/12
AngelaMBlack - 8/16/12
china, Dawn Watza - 8/14/12
marybe - 9/4/12
ma111 - 8/11/12
chillipadi, Carol Chua - 9/8/12
brenna - 10/1/12
lowrider54, Sharon - 11/21/12
Reneepals - 11/8/12
CTG - Laura McCarthy - 1/19/08
Kristen Lupton - 1/28/08
LeftyLu - 9/26/08
Tracy1964 - 10/15/08
heartwings59 - Gina Schonthaler - 10/26/08 UK
helen1 - Helen Mulloy, 12/18/08
hshi - Cindy Hunt, 11/18/08
Namid, Marlene Burt - 1/21/10
jankay - 9/19/2010
Bethmc, Beth McArdle - 3/21/11
Ladyjean or LJ, Lana Jean Healey - 4/24/11
Alicerainbow - 7/9/11
Olive
JulieAD or Cuddles, Julie Day Leavitt - 9/11/12
Showing posts with label Think Pink. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Think Pink. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Monday, December 5, 2011
Four Years Today
I got the call four years ago. I spent the early part of the day waiting for the phone to ring. I had the biopsy on Monday December 1, 2007 and the doctor said he'd have the results in 3-7 days. Four years ago today made it a Thursday and day 4. I impatiently called Dr. K at noon to see if there was any word. I was told that he was seeing patients and would call me back shortly.
It was after hours when he called. I was sitting down in front of my computer chatting with some of the September Moms. He read the results and I stopped breathing when I heard the word carcinoma. I remember typing out to the Moms 'Yep, it's cancer' and then I signed off, while still on the phone with him.
Dr. K handled it very well. I have no problem with not being asked to come in and get the details in person. Over the phone worked best for me because I could break down in my own surroundings, which of course I did.
I was alone when I got the news and shortly after I hung up the phone there was a knock at the door. It was one of my neighbors who asked to use the phone. My face was wet with tears and I know I must have looked stunned. I blurted out 'I just found out I have cancer.' He gave me a hug and said he was sorry. Looking back I feel so bad for him. He just needed to use the phone for a quick minute (theirs had been turned off) and now he was standing next to an emotional volcano. Poor guy.
They say I'm pretty much in the clear after five years but tonight I'm going to treat myself to some ice cream.
It was after hours when he called. I was sitting down in front of my computer chatting with some of the September Moms. He read the results and I stopped breathing when I heard the word carcinoma. I remember typing out to the Moms 'Yep, it's cancer' and then I signed off, while still on the phone with him.
Dr. K handled it very well. I have no problem with not being asked to come in and get the details in person. Over the phone worked best for me because I could break down in my own surroundings, which of course I did.
I was alone when I got the news and shortly after I hung up the phone there was a knock at the door. It was one of my neighbors who asked to use the phone. My face was wet with tears and I know I must have looked stunned. I blurted out 'I just found out I have cancer.' He gave me a hug and said he was sorry. Looking back I feel so bad for him. He just needed to use the phone for a quick minute (theirs had been turned off) and now he was standing next to an emotional volcano. Poor guy.
They say I'm pretty much in the clear after five years but tonight I'm going to treat myself to some ice cream.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
a little brag
Altho, I didn't work nearly as hard as I could have which means it could have been better...
I had my labwork done for my 'diabetes' last week. I was stunned by the results since the week prior I had more than a few homemade cookies. I was hoping things would be okay, since I've lost 18 pounds since May but I really didn't think they'd be this good.
My history:
Feb 2009
Fasting - 147
Triglycerides - 250
A1C 6.4
Sept 2009
Fasting - 134
Triglycerides - 963 (ouch)
A1C 6.8
Sept 2010
Fasting - 139
Triglycerides - 159
A1C 6.2
Sept 2011
Fasting - 110
Triglycerides - 76
A1C 6.1
For reference, Fasting and Triglycerides should both be around 100 or below and a normal A1C level is 6. I'm getting there!
My theory, which my doctor doesn't think is likely but you never know, is that when I was diagnosed with cancer my body went into complete shock. I feel my stress induced depression is responsible for my sugars being all over the place. My body is beginning to stabilize and I am certain that in another five years (if not sooner) diabetes medication will no longer be necessary.
It's the only way I can explain it. You see, when I'm feeling good I make it to the gym three days a week, cut down (not out) sugars, sodium and carbs and load myself up with water. It's been a rough year tho, so those 'feeling good' weeks aren't as regular as they could be. I've never denied myself dessert, but I been strict with portion control. Two years ago Matt and I would each have a chicken breast for dinner. Last year Matt, Cha and I would all share that breast. This year chicken breasts are less frequent in our household but I still love my meat. (Matt cut out most animal products altogether).
Getting better.
I had my labwork done for my 'diabetes' last week. I was stunned by the results since the week prior I had more than a few homemade cookies. I was hoping things would be okay, since I've lost 18 pounds since May but I really didn't think they'd be this good.
My history:
Feb 2009
Fasting - 147
Triglycerides - 250
A1C 6.4
Sept 2009
Fasting - 134
Triglycerides - 963 (ouch)
A1C 6.8
Sept 2010
Fasting - 139
Triglycerides - 159
A1C 6.2
Sept 2011
Fasting - 110
Triglycerides - 76
A1C 6.1
For reference, Fasting and Triglycerides should both be around 100 or below and a normal A1C level is 6. I'm getting there!
My theory, which my doctor doesn't think is likely but you never know, is that when I was diagnosed with cancer my body went into complete shock. I feel my stress induced depression is responsible for my sugars being all over the place. My body is beginning to stabilize and I am certain that in another five years (if not sooner) diabetes medication will no longer be necessary.
It's the only way I can explain it. You see, when I'm feeling good I make it to the gym three days a week, cut down (not out) sugars, sodium and carbs and load myself up with water. It's been a rough year tho, so those 'feeling good' weeks aren't as regular as they could be. I've never denied myself dessert, but I been strict with portion control. Two years ago Matt and I would each have a chicken breast for dinner. Last year Matt, Cha and I would all share that breast. This year chicken breasts are less frequent in our household but I still love my meat. (Matt cut out most animal products altogether).
Getting better.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Tears
I was sad when I woke up this morning. Not really sure why, I was just sad. I tried to will it away and have a good morning with my family of three. Cha and I snuggled on the couch watching one of our shows until Matt got up and joined us. I got off the couch and made breakfast for the three of us and then we sat down and ate while we talked about the day. So many things to do.
We drove out to the outlets to get new pants for Cha. She has picked up the habit of crawling on the floor for fun, and keeps putting holes in the knees of her pants. The entire drive I continued to feel sad. At one point I started talking to Matt about my Dad which led me to talk about my Mom. Then it hit me that today is the 22nd, four months to the day since my mother died. That explains it I guess.
When we got home I sat down to get caught up on email and my favorite blogs. That's when I learned the terribly sad news about Daria, a breast cancer sister who passed away early this morning. I've been following her journey over the years and prayed for her many times. I cried when I read the post from her husband about her passed. It all happened so fast. Just like my mother, one day she was there and then life was over. I guess it's better than the agony of slow and painful death.
The 22nd is just a sad day, no matter what month.
We drove out to the outlets to get new pants for Cha. She has picked up the habit of crawling on the floor for fun, and keeps putting holes in the knees of her pants. The entire drive I continued to feel sad. At one point I started talking to Matt about my Dad which led me to talk about my Mom. Then it hit me that today is the 22nd, four months to the day since my mother died. That explains it I guess.
When we got home I sat down to get caught up on email and my favorite blogs. That's when I learned the terribly sad news about Daria, a breast cancer sister who passed away early this morning. I've been following her journey over the years and prayed for her many times. I cried when I read the post from her husband about her passed. It all happened so fast. Just like my mother, one day she was there and then life was over. I guess it's better than the agony of slow and painful death.
The 22nd is just a sad day, no matter what month.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Bad, bad, survivor!
This weekend is the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure in Philadelphia. It's the Mother's Day 5k that I have participated in the past 2 years. It is a beautiful and emotional event and I support Susan G. Komen 100%. I've raised several thousand dollars during those two years and am very happy with the experience.
I signed up this year and raised a few pennies but sometime between last December when I registered and the last couple of weeks I decided not to walk.
You see, it's Mother's Day. And I am a Mother. A mother who just happened to have had breast cancer. Cancer has taken many things from me since I was diagnosed and I just don't want to give it another Mother's Day.
Some girlfriends and I talked about doing Relay for Life instead. We spoke to a representative from the American Cancer Society this morning and will be forming a team later this fall. Walks are typically held in spring and summer, so we're a little late getting started for this year but we will be all over it for next year.
So, if you're local (or even not so local!) and want to join us be sure to save the date - May 21, 2011. A few of us plan on staying the entire 24 hour period but don't expect the whole team to commit to the same. It will be fun, fun, fun!
I signed up this year and raised a few pennies but sometime between last December when I registered and the last couple of weeks I decided not to walk.
You see, it's Mother's Day. And I am a Mother. A mother who just happened to have had breast cancer. Cancer has taken many things from me since I was diagnosed and I just don't want to give it another Mother's Day.
Some girlfriends and I talked about doing Relay for Life instead. We spoke to a representative from the American Cancer Society this morning and will be forming a team later this fall. Walks are typically held in spring and summer, so we're a little late getting started for this year but we will be all over it for next year.
So, if you're local (or even not so local!) and want to join us be sure to save the date - May 21, 2011. A few of us plan on staying the entire 24 hour period but don't expect the whole team to commit to the same. It will be fun, fun, fun!
Saturday, September 26, 2009
three bits
Cari passed away. I had been checking in every day so I knew the end was near, but it didn't prepare me for that last post. I found her blog many moons ago and over the span of a long weekend I caught up on all of her posts. She was an incredible person and I would have loved to have met her in person.
I enjoy reading the comments on the last post. People from all over coming together to remark how Cari had touched their lives. She touched mine for sure and I'm going to miss her.
Cha and I went to the Y Friday night for a swim. Our local Y has a super cool pool for younger kids and Cha loves playing in the water. We spent about an hour and a half jumping, swimming and laughing and then headed to the locker room to get changed.
The bag I brought with me had clean and dry clothes for both of us along with shampoo and soap. We both hopped under the showers and got all scrubbed up. I rinsed off our swimsuits, which had the awful chlorine stank on them and hung them up to dry. While Cha and I were drying off and ready to get dressed two girls walked in the shower room. I noticed one of the girls look at my chest and kinda grimace. For a split second I had no idea why she would have that reaction and then I remembered my scars.
It made me smile. Here I was having a fun time laughing with my little girl, the cancer and surgeries totally out of my mind. I never would have imagined that a year ago.
Finally, I read an incredible poem on Olaf's blog. Def. worth a read.
Happy Saturday!
I enjoy reading the comments on the last post. People from all over coming together to remark how Cari had touched their lives. She touched mine for sure and I'm going to miss her.
Cha and I went to the Y Friday night for a swim. Our local Y has a super cool pool for younger kids and Cha loves playing in the water. We spent about an hour and a half jumping, swimming and laughing and then headed to the locker room to get changed.
The bag I brought with me had clean and dry clothes for both of us along with shampoo and soap. We both hopped under the showers and got all scrubbed up. I rinsed off our swimsuits, which had the awful chlorine stank on them and hung them up to dry. While Cha and I were drying off and ready to get dressed two girls walked in the shower room. I noticed one of the girls look at my chest and kinda grimace. For a split second I had no idea why she would have that reaction and then I remembered my scars.
It made me smile. Here I was having a fun time laughing with my little girl, the cancer and surgeries totally out of my mind. I never would have imagined that a year ago.
Finally, I read an incredible poem on Olaf's blog. Def. worth a read.
Happy Saturday!
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Blogging
As anyone who has created and maintained a blog can tell you, it's very therapeutic. Over the past nearly two years my blog has helped me inform my family about my health updates, meet and lean on others who were also battling cancer, and get a whole lot off my chest (pun intended). Having an outlet to vent about both good and bad was incredibly important and I hope that by being open I was able to provide a bit of help or least some understanding to others experiencing the same.
But it feels like, thanks to God, my breast cancer journey is complete. I saw an oncologist who said I'm done. I have only the tiniest bit of breast tissue left in my body and the chance that my cancer will come back is slim to none. I will continue monthly BSEs to get a feel for changes to my breasts, but I had my last ever mammogram on December 3, 2007 and feel blessed that I never have to have another. I had DCIS, which some doctors don't even consider cancer. I made an aggressive decision to have both breasts removed. At the time a friend told me that it was an 'overly dramatic' move. Well, it might have been but I have no regrets. It was well worth the peace of mind.
My reconstructed breasts are just fine. The scars are fading and they feel okay. They aren't perfect, but neither were my natural ones. My fake nipples look great even if they still don't have any feeling. So, I have no complaints. I will always have a doctor crush on Drs. Singer Kripke. They were knights in shining armor during a very bad time and I will continue to recommend them to anyone needing their services.
My depression [knock wood] is gone. I have been off Lexapro for just about two months and no longer feel any side effects of the withdrawal. My mind is the same as before the cancer, crabbiness and all. I had some amazing therapy sessions during the past two years but learned that most of the hard times were due to circumstances and not severe mental flaws. I see no reason to continue seeing someone.
So I guess that's it. I have been struggling with what to do with this blog, contemplating posting other personal information about my life and struggles but I've decided to let it be.
Thanks for reading and being there for me.
:)
But it feels like, thanks to God, my breast cancer journey is complete. I saw an oncologist who said I'm done. I have only the tiniest bit of breast tissue left in my body and the chance that my cancer will come back is slim to none. I will continue monthly BSEs to get a feel for changes to my breasts, but I had my last ever mammogram on December 3, 2007 and feel blessed that I never have to have another. I had DCIS, which some doctors don't even consider cancer. I made an aggressive decision to have both breasts removed. At the time a friend told me that it was an 'overly dramatic' move. Well, it might have been but I have no regrets. It was well worth the peace of mind.
My reconstructed breasts are just fine. The scars are fading and they feel okay. They aren't perfect, but neither were my natural ones. My fake nipples look great even if they still don't have any feeling. So, I have no complaints. I will always have a doctor crush on Drs. Singer Kripke. They were knights in shining armor during a very bad time and I will continue to recommend them to anyone needing their services.
My depression [knock wood] is gone. I have been off Lexapro for just about two months and no longer feel any side effects of the withdrawal. My mind is the same as before the cancer, crabbiness and all. I had some amazing therapy sessions during the past two years but learned that most of the hard times were due to circumstances and not severe mental flaws. I see no reason to continue seeing someone.
So I guess that's it. I have been struggling with what to do with this blog, contemplating posting other personal information about my life and struggles but I've decided to let it be.
Thanks for reading and being there for me.
:)
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Feeling uneasy
I just learned that Dr. S is going out on his own. He's leaving the practice and will only be seeing patients til the end of this month before he moves. I've got an appt with him on the 19th and I'm not quite sure if this is the last visit or if there will be more. I feel uneasy about the change. I mean, what if he's no longer covered by my insurance? What if his new office is too far away? What if he doesn't want me as a patient and he or the insurance company tell me I have to use one of the surgeons in the old practice??
I am pretty sure I am done with the reconstruction. There are a few areas of scar tissue that are still painful but not as bad as they were six months ago. The pain could lesson with time and I really don't think it's worth enduring more surgery. Maybe knowing that the 19th could be the very last meeting with Dr. S is what's making me uneasy. There is comfort in knowing that you're under someone's care. Granted, I still have my primary doctor and she takes very good care of me, but Dr. S has been the main guy for the last year and a half.
I am pretty sure I am done with the reconstruction. There are a few areas of scar tissue that are still painful but not as bad as they were six months ago. The pain could lesson with time and I really don't think it's worth enduring more surgery. Maybe knowing that the 19th could be the very last meeting with Dr. S is what's making me uneasy. There is comfort in knowing that you're under someone's care. Granted, I still have my primary doctor and she takes very good care of me, but Dr. S has been the main guy for the last year and a half.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Cancer babble
I was watching the news last week and there was a story about breast cancer and early detection. I noticed that it didn't stop me in my tracks like those stories usually do. Before I was diagnosed anytime I saw a story about breast cancer I was in such denial that I'd turn them off. I knew about early detection and what needed to be done but I hated thinking about it all the time. B.C. (Before Cancer) I used to get super anxious thinking about mammograms. I cried before every test knowing that it would be bad news. I got my first mammogram at 35 and then got them every year following until Sept of 06 when the film showed 'something suspicious' and I was told to come back every six months. I was so panicked and just knew that the next one would be bad news that I made myself ill. I was due for my six month checkup in March 07 but the day of my scheduled appt we got hit with a terrible snow storm and they canceled on me. I was supposed to call back and reschedule but dug my head in the sand and couldn't deal.
In November 07 somehow I just knew that I had to call. One day I was so overcome with anxiety that I decided that I had to do it or I wouldn't be able to function anymore. I had a sinus infection and stayed home from work. I got up my courage to call and as soon as I got on the phone with the breast center I broke down. I blubbered and told the woman about how I was in denial and how I was overdue and was certain it was bad news. The woman was wonderful and scheduled me to come in the day after Thanksgiving. I was so thankful that they were open but was dreading what I knew would be bad news. It's odd how you know those things, you know?
The diagnosis came, just as I feared and when I started seeing those breast cancer awareness news stories I looked at them much differently. I didn't so much watch them as examine them. Was the information correct or slanted? Did the reporter even know what he/she was talking about?
So here it is a year and a half out and when those stories come on I just watch them and hope that they are getting through to the people who need to hear them. And I hope those people, both men and women, find the courage to do what needs to be done. I am one who feared the worst and was a bit of a baby about it, but overall it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought.
In November 07 somehow I just knew that I had to call. One day I was so overcome with anxiety that I decided that I had to do it or I wouldn't be able to function anymore. I had a sinus infection and stayed home from work. I got up my courage to call and as soon as I got on the phone with the breast center I broke down. I blubbered and told the woman about how I was in denial and how I was overdue and was certain it was bad news. The woman was wonderful and scheduled me to come in the day after Thanksgiving. I was so thankful that they were open but was dreading what I knew would be bad news. It's odd how you know those things, you know?
The diagnosis came, just as I feared and when I started seeing those breast cancer awareness news stories I looked at them much differently. I didn't so much watch them as examine them. Was the information correct or slanted? Did the reporter even know what he/she was talking about?
So here it is a year and a half out and when those stories come on I just watch them and hope that they are getting through to the people who need to hear them. And I hope those people, both men and women, find the courage to do what needs to be done. I am one who feared the worst and was a bit of a baby about it, but overall it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
Ginger for Nausea
My SIL's second chemo session is scheduled for next week. Her first treatment went well but she said the nausea was the worst. Maybe I'll suggest she try ginger....
Ginger cuts nausea in chemo patients
May 15, 2009
Ginger cuts nausea in chemo patients
May 15, 2009
New research shows that ginger appears to reduce nausea and vomiting associated with chemotherapy treatment for cancer.
As many as 70 percent of cancer patients who receive chemotherapy experience nausea as a result of their treatment, even though many take anti-nausea drugs.
A study of 644 patients with a history of chemotherapy-related nausea found that those who took capsules of ginger twice daily before starting a round of chemo were less likely to feel queasy on the first day of treatment than those who took a placebo. All participants in the study were also given standard anti-nausea medication on the first day of chemotherapy.
Taking the equivalent of a quarter to a half teaspoon of ginger daily was particularly effective at controlling nausea, researchers found.
It's not clear, though, why ginger might have this effect. One theory is that it acts as an anti-inflammatory agent in the gut, said the study's lead author, Julie Ryan, who presented her findings Thursday at a news conference by the American Society of Clinical Oncology.
Though ginger supplements were used in the study, eating or drinking foods with ginger in them might work, too, as long as it's the right dose and the ginger isn't artificial, said Ryan, with the University of Rochester Medical Center.
Previous studies suggest that ginger also reduces the severity of nausea and vomiting during pregnancy.
In other research presented Thursday:
• People with oral cancers containing the human papillomavirus (HPV) fared better than those with tumors not associated with the virus. Patients with HPV-positive tumors responded better to treatment, were less likely to develop a second cancer and had less than half the risk of dying after five years, compared to patients with HPV-negative cancer, according to a study led by Dr. Maura Gillison, with the Ohio State University Comprehensive Cancer Center-James Cancer Hospital and Solove Research Institute. Heavy smokers, especially those who drink alcohol, are at the highest risk for oral cancer. But more than a quarter of people who develop this cancer have no known risk factors, and the number of cases among people under 40 has grown dramatically. The HPV virus appears to be the culprit in some of those cases.
• An experimental drug shows promise in preventing potentially deadly recurrences of neuroblastoma, a rare cancer of the head and neck that affects young children. The drug uses antibodies to stimulate the immune system to attack cancer cells. In a study of 226 children, 66 percent remained cancer-free two years after getting the new drug along with standard therapy, compared to 46 percent of kids who received standard therapy alone. Side effects of the drug include pain, allergic reactions and blood vessel leakage. As of now, the drug is only available through clinical trials.Sunday, May 10, 2009
Race for the Cure
Happy Mother's Day everyone!
Team Route 422
The Survivor Parade - Parade of Pink!(yes, I chopped all my hair off)
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Feeling restless and itchy
I cannot concentrate. My mind is in a funk and I can't snap myself out of it. I feel like there are a million things I need to be doing and I am frantically running around trying to get them done, but since I'm not thinking well I keep forgetting what the heck I'm doing.
Tomorrow night I was planning on attending the Paoli breast cancer support group. The woman I met regarding my genetic testing in speaking and I would really like to hear her. But with learning about Jen's death yesterday I think I've had my fill of cancer related thoughts for the week. I spent countless hours last night re-reading her blog and researching her procedures. It was unnecessary but I couldn't stop myself. I need a day to step back and take a cancer break.
Well, kinda. Tomorrow night Kelly is having a fund raiser for our Race for the Cure team. She's selling Tastefully Simple and 20% of all sales will go to finding a cure. It will be a bunch of women, good food and wine and lots of laughter. Maybe that will kick me into happy days.
Besides the blahs I'm also itching like hell. My allergies are killing me and I have a sinus infection that is making my head feel like a balloon filled with oatmeal that is fixing to explode. The pressure and the drainage are painful. On top of that Pennsylvania weather is bonkers. A low pressure system with lots of rain and crappy allergens and bringing on a migraine.
Yea, I'm a coughing, sneezing, wheezing, sniffling grumpy mess.
Happy Wednesday to you.
Tomorrow night I was planning on attending the Paoli breast cancer support group. The woman I met regarding my genetic testing in speaking and I would really like to hear her. But with learning about Jen's death yesterday I think I've had my fill of cancer related thoughts for the week. I spent countless hours last night re-reading her blog and researching her procedures. It was unnecessary but I couldn't stop myself. I need a day to step back and take a cancer break.
Well, kinda. Tomorrow night Kelly is having a fund raiser for our Race for the Cure team. She's selling Tastefully Simple and 20% of all sales will go to finding a cure. It will be a bunch of women, good food and wine and lots of laughter. Maybe that will kick me into happy days.
Besides the blahs I'm also itching like hell. My allergies are killing me and I have a sinus infection that is making my head feel like a balloon filled with oatmeal that is fixing to explode. The pressure and the drainage are painful. On top of that Pennsylvania weather is bonkers. A low pressure system with lots of rain and crappy allergens and bringing on a migraine.
Yea, I'm a coughing, sneezing, wheezing, sniffling grumpy mess.
Happy Wednesday to you.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Tears
I was doing my daily blog check when I nearly got the breath knocked out of me. I wasn't prepared for this. She was one of my inspirations when I was first diagnosed. She battled the disease and won! I learned much from her and thought of her often.
Rest in Peace Jen.
I'll be walking in your memory this year.
Cancer Sucks.
Rest in Peace Jen.
I'll be walking in your memory this year.
Cancer Sucks.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Something Sweet - Lucky Dog
Aunt Dorth sent this to me.....
Mary and her husband John had a dog named 'Lucky.'
Lucky was a real character. Whenever Mary and John had company come for a weekend visit they would warn their friends to not leave their luggage open because Lucky would help himself to whatever struck his fancy. Inevitably, someone would forget and something would come up missing.
Mary or John would go to Lucky's toy box in the basement and there the treasure would be, amid all of Lucky's other favorite toys Lucky always stashed his finds in his toy box and he was very particular that his toys stay in the box.
It happened that Mary found out she had breast cancer. Something told her she was going to die of this disease....in fact; she was just sure it was fatal.
She scheduled the double mastectomy, fear riding her shoulders. The night before she was to go to the hospital she cuddled with Lucky. A thought struck her...what would happen to Lucky? Although the three-year-old dog liked John , he was Mary's dog through and through. If I die, Lucky will be abandoned, Mary thought. He won't understand that I didn't want to leave him! The thought made her sadder than thinking of her own death.
The double mastectomy was harder on Mary than her doctors had anticipated and Mary was hospitalized for over two weeks. John took Lucky for his evening walk faithfully, but the little dog just drooped, whining and miserable.
Finally the day came for Mary to leave the hospital. When she arrived home, Mary was so exhausted she couldn't even make it up the steps to her bedroom. John made his wife comfortable on the couch and left her to nap.
Lucky stood watching Mary but he didn't come to her when she called. It made Mary sad but sleep soon overcame her and she dozed.
When Mary woke for a second she couldn't understand what was wrong. She couldn't move her head and her body felt heavy and hot. But panic soon gave way to laughter when Mary realized the problem. She was covered, literally blanketed, with every treasure Lucky owned! While she had slept, the sorrowing dog had made trip after trip to the basement bringing his beloved mistress all his favorite things in life. He had covered her with his love.
Mary forgot about dying. Instead she and Lucky began living again, walking further and further together every day. It's been 12 years now and Mary is still cancer-free. Lucky still steals treasures and stashes them in his toy box but Mary remains his greatest treasure.
Remember....live every day to the fullest. Each minute is a blessing from God. And never forget....the people who make a difference in our lives are not the ones with the most Credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care for us.
If you see someone without a smile today give them one of yours! Live simply. Love seriously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God
Dear God, I pray for the cure of cancer.
Amen
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Update on SIL#3
I called SIL#3 today. She said the surgery went well yesterday. They took out several more lymph nodes and her surgeon said that at first glance he thinks they're going to be fine. The results will be in tomorrow so please pray that there are no further cancer cells.
She said she's feeling okay. The pain is manageable but she keeps getting hit with crying fits. She'll be thinking positive one moment and then just start crying. She's got a big challenge ahead of her and is understandably overwhelmed.
My nephew, who is old enough to know what's going on, is scared. SIL#3 is doing her best to put him at ease but it's not like she can promise him that everything will be fine. Thankfully they've got people offering support and a helping hand. Cancer does bring out the worst and best in people.
She'll be staying one more night in the hospital and then going home tomorrow. She has two drains and won't be returning to work until they are removed.
As for me, I called my shrink yesterday and scheduled an appt. Better to get mad and scream at her than an innocent bystander.
She said she's feeling okay. The pain is manageable but she keeps getting hit with crying fits. She'll be thinking positive one moment and then just start crying. She's got a big challenge ahead of her and is understandably overwhelmed.
My nephew, who is old enough to know what's going on, is scared. SIL#3 is doing her best to put him at ease but it's not like she can promise him that everything will be fine. Thankfully they've got people offering support and a helping hand. Cancer does bring out the worst and best in people.
She'll be staying one more night in the hospital and then going home tomorrow. She has two drains and won't be returning to work until they are removed.
As for me, I called my shrink yesterday and scheduled an appt. Better to get mad and scream at her than an innocent bystander.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Long, exhausting day
Yay, it's Monday!
The best part about today is the fact that it's almost over. It started late last night with some marital disagreements followed by Cha getting up at 5:30 and throwing up in my bed. (At least it wasn't my side.)
There was a series of further marital disagreements, some facebook stalking by everyone's favorite crazy ex-wife, and then a calming chat with Dear CC. Oh and there was a lot of cursing and tears.
I got a note from S when I got home asking me to call his mom. Bad news on the SIL#3 front. It's breast cancer. Results were just received this afternoon and she'll have more information after her doctor appointment tomorrow.
Talking to someone who is newly diagnosed is hard. I think back to my early days and remember how much I appreciated emails from Ms. Moser, who gave me info without really giving me advice (unless I begged for it). As I spoke to SIL#3 I had to check myself and look at things as an outsider. She needs facts and options and not my feelings. I'll surely answer if asked but she doesn't need just one point of view.
I told her that one of the most difficult parts of this whole ordeal is having to make the decisions yourself. She'll get advice from every side and while the doctors will make recommendations, the decision is ultimately hers, and that can be overwhelming. I suggested she check out BCO, which was my favorite resource for info and support.
So tonight I pray for SIL#3, who has always been one of my favorites. I am also praying that my darling 3 year old will stop screaming for me and let her daddy put her to bed. We all need to sleep.
The best part about today is the fact that it's almost over. It started late last night with some marital disagreements followed by Cha getting up at 5:30 and throwing up in my bed. (At least it wasn't my side.)
There was a series of further marital disagreements, some facebook stalking by everyone's favorite crazy ex-wife, and then a calming chat with Dear CC. Oh and there was a lot of cursing and tears.
I got a note from S when I got home asking me to call his mom. Bad news on the SIL#3 front. It's breast cancer. Results were just received this afternoon and she'll have more information after her doctor appointment tomorrow.
Talking to someone who is newly diagnosed is hard. I think back to my early days and remember how much I appreciated emails from Ms. Moser, who gave me info without really giving me advice (unless I begged for it). As I spoke to SIL#3 I had to check myself and look at things as an outsider. She needs facts and options and not my feelings. I'll surely answer if asked but she doesn't need just one point of view.
I told her that one of the most difficult parts of this whole ordeal is having to make the decisions yourself. She'll get advice from every side and while the doctors will make recommendations, the decision is ultimately hers, and that can be overwhelming. I suggested she check out BCO, which was my favorite resource for info and support.
So tonight I pray for SIL#3, who has always been one of my favorites. I am also praying that my darling 3 year old will stop screaming for me and let her daddy put her to bed. We all need to sleep.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Saturday was a bonus day
Yesterday was a real treat. Last Monday we had a snow day and yesterday it was 70 degrees. That's Philly weather for you. Cha and I took advantage by being outside as much as possible. We ended the day at Uncle Mike's celebrating Kirsten's 16th birthday. I'll have to post pictures when I get a chance to take them off my camera. There are some cute shots.
Cha got to play with her cousins and her cousin's cousins. I hate to say it but I think my little girl is already boy crazy. She's always telling me that she's got boyfriends at school. It's funny watching her interact with the opposite sex. She totally knows how to flirt and be coy already.
So last Friday I had my appt with Dr. S. It was a good visit. He shared that he's been voted one of the Top Docs for Philadelphia Magazine which made me uber proud. The issue comes out in May and I told him I was going to bring in the magazine and have him autograph it on my next visit.
He was also interviewed by one of the local stations about SGAP, which is the procedure where they take tissue from your bottom and move it to your breast. It's just as involved as my reconstruction but honestly I would be petrified of the recovery. My belly and tummy were in so much pain after my surgery and it was so uncomfortable having to sleep sitting up. I cannot imagine how you'd sleep. Here's the video of him being interviewed by Stephanie Stahl of CBS3 in Philly Buttock to Breast. In an odd coincidence, there's a picture of Stephanie Stahl and Matt from last year's Race for the Cure somewhere in the archives. She's a survivor and is very involved with fund raising and breast cancer awareness. I wonder who performed her surgery?
The tattoo was more painful that I thought it would be. I don't have much (if any) feeling in my breasts so I knew the needle wouldn't bother me. However it left me sore and bruised and I bled the rest of the day. They look okay but I'm sure they'll look better when they have a chance to heal. I have one more appt with Dr. S in June and then I'm thinking that's it. Unless I decide to clean up the scar tissue but I'm leaning towards no.
Tomorrow is Monday and one day closer to spring. It was so nice not worrying about sweaters and coats this weekend. I look forward to leaving the house in shorts, tshirts and flip-flops.
(...and I know I sound like a broken record, but prayers are still needed for Cari, who is having a rough time...)
Cha got to play with her cousins and her cousin's cousins. I hate to say it but I think my little girl is already boy crazy. She's always telling me that she's got boyfriends at school. It's funny watching her interact with the opposite sex. She totally knows how to flirt and be coy already.
So last Friday I had my appt with Dr. S. It was a good visit. He shared that he's been voted one of the Top Docs for Philadelphia Magazine which made me uber proud. The issue comes out in May and I told him I was going to bring in the magazine and have him autograph it on my next visit.
He was also interviewed by one of the local stations about SGAP, which is the procedure where they take tissue from your bottom and move it to your breast. It's just as involved as my reconstruction but honestly I would be petrified of the recovery. My belly and tummy were in so much pain after my surgery and it was so uncomfortable having to sleep sitting up. I cannot imagine how you'd sleep. Here's the video of him being interviewed by Stephanie Stahl of CBS3 in Philly Buttock to Breast. In an odd coincidence, there's a picture of Stephanie Stahl and Matt from last year's Race for the Cure somewhere in the archives. She's a survivor and is very involved with fund raising and breast cancer awareness. I wonder who performed her surgery?
The tattoo was more painful that I thought it would be. I don't have much (if any) feeling in my breasts so I knew the needle wouldn't bother me. However it left me sore and bruised and I bled the rest of the day. They look okay but I'm sure they'll look better when they have a chance to heal. I have one more appt with Dr. S in June and then I'm thinking that's it. Unless I decide to clean up the scar tissue but I'm leaning towards no.
Tomorrow is Monday and one day closer to spring. It was so nice not worrying about sweaters and coats this weekend. I look forward to leaving the house in shorts, tshirts and flip-flops.
(...and I know I sound like a broken record, but prayers are still needed for Cari, who is having a rough time...)
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Taking back my blog and coughing up a hair ball
It's 1:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. I've been trying for the past four hours but there are so many thoughts clogging up my brain that I can't rest. I lay (or is it lie) in bed and think about how I just want to get them out and purge my thoughts onto my blog. I think about how relieved I will feel coughing it all up but I've become afraid of this place.
I want to be honest and speak my mind but find myself thinking of the audience and how it will be received. I'm afraid of how this person or that will react, how feelings might be hurt and tempers might be flared. So, I've been keeping it to myself and that has been miserable. It hurts my stomach.
So, I'm going to keep reminding myself that this is my blog and let it all out. I apologize in advance if you don't like what you read.
My marriage sometimes sucks, but I think that's pretty normal. Sometimes Matt and I can barely stand to be in the same room as each other. Our eons of therapy has taught me that when people get stressed they take it out on their spouses because they are safe. If your boss pisses you off there's not much you can do, so you snap at your mate and somehow that makes you feel better. It's not the proper way to handle things but it helps me know not to take things personally. Matt is going thru a very trying time with his legal battle and it has put us both on edge. He can be a first class jerk from time to time which makes me wonder what the hell I'm doing here but I love my husband and know that neither of us are perfect. Must remember that it's only temporary and things will get better.....
Two of my girlfriends had a trying weekend. One was in the hospital and the other was ending her marriage. I worried for both of them and it pained me that there was nothing I could do to help. Part of me felt like saying....been there, done that....here's how you solve it, but I know that's just arrogance speaking. Those wonderful, strong, smart women will survive on their own. Must remember that it's not always about me!!
My family is pissing me off at the moment (and this is where it gets tricky). One thing that being a mother has taught me is that you cannot (or should not) reward bad behavior. I have learned it but struggle to always practice it. Sometimes Cha will whine about something for an hour until I finally get fed up and give in. I realize that it's bad parenting and will only encourage her to whine longer the next time but I give in anyway. She is my precious baby and it's hard to look at her and not give in to her every demand. Not to mention I have a tiny tolerance for whining. Must learn to be stronger!!
If a child, whether they are 3 and a half or 43 and a half, whines and throws a temper tantrum, rewarding them for their bad behavior will only bite you in the end. I am trying my hardest to keep my life as tame and drama-free as possible. It's difficult and sometimes I suck at it, but I keep trying. I want to see my family and have Cha spend time with her aunts, uncles and cousins. I really want her to have fun memories of my side of the family. I've got half a brain full of crazy times with the Jenkins crew. It's not as easy as it used to be tho and I've got to think about what's best for her, me and them. She might never get to know some of her family but I'm just going to have to learn to be okay with that. My job is to keep my child happy, safe and well taken care of. I do not want her exposed to unnecessary drama, especially if it's going to leave a lasting impression. I lived with the good, bad and ugly and choose to shield Cha from the bad and ugly. Must not feel guilty about that!!
Tonight I dropped Ria off at the vet. She's finally getting spayed tomorrow. I feel guilty about not having it done sooner. She goes into heat on a regular basis and the whole house feels her pain. I know a good cat mom would have made that a priority but I've had trouble balancing my priorities lately and sadly the kitties came in last. Checking this off my list will surely help clear my clogged up brain.
I've taken over two other working moms groups and it's turned out to be more difficult than I imagined. Juggling schedules, personalities, problems, concerns, and even pleasantries has my head doing somersaults. I feel like I'm failing at it and wish I could go back to the day when things were simpler.
(Note: I had to google three words in that paragraph because I wasn't sure how they were spelled. Grandma would be proud to know that I got them all right! Altho, maybe she'd be disappointed that a 41 year old wasn't sure how to spell pleasantries.)
Friday morning I have my last ever appt with Dr. S. He's doing the tattoos. I am a bit nervous about seeing him because I'm afraid he'll be disappointed in my body. I had really hoped to have lost a lot of weight and be in great shape by this point of my recovery. I feel like I'm failing him by not perfecting his artwork. I am still so depressed and altho I have been walking on the treadmill in the basement, I am really not doing as much as I know I can. I wish I felt better and could muster up the ambition to get off my ass!
Meanwhile, my body has been taken over by hives or something. My whole body is blotchy and itches like crazy. I scratch all day long. I've tried cream and allergy meds but it doesn't seem to help much. I made the mistake of taking benedryl twice during work hours. That was a bust. It just knocked me out and made me feel like a zombie for the next two days. I've got to schedule a followup appt with Dr. M to discuss my blood work so I'll talk to her about it then.
Alright, I've babbled long enough. It feels good to have gotten it all out. I'm thinking I might just turn off this machine and snuggle up to Pete and Tigger on the couch. They look so comfortable laying next to me.
I've got to get up in a few hours and take Cha to school. It's supposed to be zero, yippee!!
I want to be honest and speak my mind but find myself thinking of the audience and how it will be received. I'm afraid of how this person or that will react, how feelings might be hurt and tempers might be flared. So, I've been keeping it to myself and that has been miserable. It hurts my stomach.
So, I'm going to keep reminding myself that this is my blog and let it all out. I apologize in advance if you don't like what you read.
My marriage sometimes sucks, but I think that's pretty normal. Sometimes Matt and I can barely stand to be in the same room as each other. Our eons of therapy has taught me that when people get stressed they take it out on their spouses because they are safe. If your boss pisses you off there's not much you can do, so you snap at your mate and somehow that makes you feel better. It's not the proper way to handle things but it helps me know not to take things personally. Matt is going thru a very trying time with his legal battle and it has put us both on edge. He can be a first class jerk from time to time which makes me wonder what the hell I'm doing here but I love my husband and know that neither of us are perfect. Must remember that it's only temporary and things will get better.....
Two of my girlfriends had a trying weekend. One was in the hospital and the other was ending her marriage. I worried for both of them and it pained me that there was nothing I could do to help. Part of me felt like saying....been there, done that....here's how you solve it, but I know that's just arrogance speaking. Those wonderful, strong, smart women will survive on their own. Must remember that it's not always about me!!
My family is pissing me off at the moment (and this is where it gets tricky). One thing that being a mother has taught me is that you cannot (or should not) reward bad behavior. I have learned it but struggle to always practice it. Sometimes Cha will whine about something for an hour until I finally get fed up and give in. I realize that it's bad parenting and will only encourage her to whine longer the next time but I give in anyway. She is my precious baby and it's hard to look at her and not give in to her every demand. Not to mention I have a tiny tolerance for whining. Must learn to be stronger!!
If a child, whether they are 3 and a half or 43 and a half, whines and throws a temper tantrum, rewarding them for their bad behavior will only bite you in the end. I am trying my hardest to keep my life as tame and drama-free as possible. It's difficult and sometimes I suck at it, but I keep trying. I want to see my family and have Cha spend time with her aunts, uncles and cousins. I really want her to have fun memories of my side of the family. I've got half a brain full of crazy times with the Jenkins crew. It's not as easy as it used to be tho and I've got to think about what's best for her, me and them. She might never get to know some of her family but I'm just going to have to learn to be okay with that. My job is to keep my child happy, safe and well taken care of. I do not want her exposed to unnecessary drama, especially if it's going to leave a lasting impression. I lived with the good, bad and ugly and choose to shield Cha from the bad and ugly. Must not feel guilty about that!!
Tonight I dropped Ria off at the vet. She's finally getting spayed tomorrow. I feel guilty about not having it done sooner. She goes into heat on a regular basis and the whole house feels her pain. I know a good cat mom would have made that a priority but I've had trouble balancing my priorities lately and sadly the kitties came in last. Checking this off my list will surely help clear my clogged up brain.
I've taken over two other working moms groups and it's turned out to be more difficult than I imagined. Juggling schedules, personalities, problems, concerns, and even pleasantries has my head doing somersaults. I feel like I'm failing at it and wish I could go back to the day when things were simpler.
(Note: I had to google three words in that paragraph because I wasn't sure how they were spelled. Grandma would be proud to know that I got them all right! Altho, maybe she'd be disappointed that a 41 year old wasn't sure how to spell pleasantries.)
Friday morning I have my last ever appt with Dr. S. He's doing the tattoos. I am a bit nervous about seeing him because I'm afraid he'll be disappointed in my body. I had really hoped to have lost a lot of weight and be in great shape by this point of my recovery. I feel like I'm failing him by not perfecting his artwork. I am still so depressed and altho I have been walking on the treadmill in the basement, I am really not doing as much as I know I can. I wish I felt better and could muster up the ambition to get off my ass!
Meanwhile, my body has been taken over by hives or something. My whole body is blotchy and itches like crazy. I scratch all day long. I've tried cream and allergy meds but it doesn't seem to help much. I made the mistake of taking benedryl twice during work hours. That was a bust. It just knocked me out and made me feel like a zombie for the next two days. I've got to schedule a followup appt with Dr. M to discuss my blood work so I'll talk to her about it then.
Alright, I've babbled long enough. It feels good to have gotten it all out. I'm thinking I might just turn off this machine and snuggle up to Pete and Tigger on the couch. They look so comfortable laying next to me.
I've got to get up in a few hours and take Cha to school. It's supposed to be zero, yippee!!
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