I haven't been posting much because I'm having a hard time putting my thoughts together. I still check my favorite blogs every day and I love keeping up with others. I'm having a hard time concentrating and turning my brain off, tho for the life of me I can't remember what I'm thinking one minute to the next.
I've made an appt with a new therapist. Dr. M2 was good and did help but I feel I need something other than what he can provide. I'm battling depression and every day is a struggle. Getting up in the morning, getting Charlotte to school, getting to work, cleaning the house and feeding my family may be simple for some people but it takes every ounce of energy I have and it's making me physically ill.
One of my dearest friends and I confessed to each other recently that we're having problems with money. But, it's not the normal money problem that most people encounter. It's the 'I'm way too depressed and anxiety ridden to pay my bills'. My friend had a bill nearly go to collection because she couldn't bring herself to send out a check. There was more than enough money in the bank but the task of writing a check and putting it in the mail was more than she could handle.
That's where I am right now. The money is in the bank, I sit down at my desk to do the bills and I just freeze. All sorts of fears take over. The economy is in the crapper and we have to hear about it every day. Things only appear to be getting scarier and trying to face financial responsibilities with the fear of losing everything is overwhelming me.
So, I decided to see someone new in hopes that she'll be able to help me with what's going on in my mind. I cannot blame anyone else for where I am but I know it's not something I'm doing on purpose.
Today I am thankful that I am sane enough to reach out for help. I am also thankful for those who stand by me and understand what I'm experiencing. A couple of nights ago when Matt and I were sitting on the couch crying he said 'I don't know how you need me to support you.' It's hard for men who always want to fix things. This is something he can't fix, which is double hard for him since he spent so many years counseling people. I'm not sure what to tell Matt but I'm sure the new therapist will help me.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Mothers
(Thanks to MIL for sending this on.)
Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.
Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.
Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.
Real Mothers know that dried play dough doesn't come out of shag carpets.
Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.
Real Mothers sometimes ask 'Why me?' and get their answer when a little voice says, 'Because I love you best.'
Real Mothers know that a child 's growth is not measured by height or years or grade...It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mom to Mother...
The Images of Mother
4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE - Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit about it .
35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mom.
Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.
Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.
Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.
Real Mothers know that dried play dough doesn't come out of shag carpets.
Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.
Real Mothers sometimes ask 'Why me?' and get their answer when a little voice says, 'Because I love you best.'
Real Mothers know that a child 's growth is not measured by height or years or grade...It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mom to Mother...
The Images of Mother
4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE - Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit about it .
35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mom.
Friday, October 17, 2008
it tickled my tummy
This morning I was gushing like a newlywed. I had just dropped Cha off at school and was getting on the freeway to go to work. One lane over from me was his truck.
Matt is a commercial driver. He drives all over the area but this is the first time I actually saw him on the road. It was so sweet it tickled my tummy. I love that man.
Matt is a commercial driver. He drives all over the area but this is the first time I actually saw him on the road. It was so sweet it tickled my tummy. I love that man.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
What can I say
I can be moody, bitchy, and short-tempered but for the most part I'm fair. I am depressed and sometimes my mind spins so fast I don't know what I'm saying. But I am doing the best that I can and I think I'm a good person.
I'm not going to blame it on divorce or cancer or being a new mom or even being tired. It is what it is. I am human and not perfect. An old boss of mine told me that I could be nearly perfect if I perfected my tact. Fifteen years later and I'm still working on it.
I wish I knew how to tactfully say:
1. If you continue to have the same problem with people, then maybe it's you? The whole world is not against you so stop playing the victim and work on changing yourself.
2. Please STHU about K. I don't like her and you know I don't like her. I will not say a word about her to you or anyone else so please stop bringing her up just to see how I'll react.
3. I am married to a Democrat and love him dearly. We have much different views on how the country should be run but I can't remember one time we've argued about it. I respect him too much to bash him over something so silly. So, for you Obama-ites who insist on screaming at me over everything Bush, Nixon, Reagan or whomever did, again please STFU.
4. I am a Republican. I am voting for McCain. He's not my first choice, nor was he in the top ten. However, he's who I'm voting for. I am not shoving him down your throat and making cracks at your candidate, so please give me the same courtesy.
There are many people I am thankful for in this world (at least ten, which should cover my Thankful Thursday). I'm sure they know who they are and if you have any doubts if you are on the list, go ahead and put yourself in that category.
The picture of the day:
I'm not going to blame it on divorce or cancer or being a new mom or even being tired. It is what it is. I am human and not perfect. An old boss of mine told me that I could be nearly perfect if I perfected my tact. Fifteen years later and I'm still working on it.
I wish I knew how to tactfully say:
1. If you continue to have the same problem with people, then maybe it's you? The whole world is not against you so stop playing the victim and work on changing yourself.
2. Please STHU about K. I don't like her and you know I don't like her. I will not say a word about her to you or anyone else so please stop bringing her up just to see how I'll react.
3. I am married to a Democrat and love him dearly. We have much different views on how the country should be run but I can't remember one time we've argued about it. I respect him too much to bash him over something so silly. So, for you Obama-ites who insist on screaming at me over everything Bush, Nixon, Reagan or whomever did, again please STFU.
4. I am a Republican. I am voting for McCain. He's not my first choice, nor was he in the top ten. However, he's who I'm voting for. I am not shoving him down your throat and making cracks at your candidate, so please give me the same courtesy.
There are many people I am thankful for in this world (at least ten, which should cover my Thankful Thursday). I'm sure they know who they are and if you have any doubts if you are on the list, go ahead and put yourself in that category.
The picture of the day:
Monday, October 13, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Thankful Thursday
I am thankful that the TV has an off button
I am thankful that the computer has an off button
I am thankful for my answering machine
I am thankful for the erase button on my answering maching
I am thankful for the the friends who came over to share a meal with us tonight
I am thankful that Cha finally calmed down and is peaceful
I am thankful that I will be celebrating my 9 year anniversary at work tomorrow
I am thankful that the weather was beautiful today
I am thankful that the Phillies are doing so well
I am thankful for the people who stumble across my blog and ask that you please say a prayer for Cari. She's on my daily prayer list but she can use all the help she can get.
I am thankful that the computer has an off button
I am thankful for my answering machine
I am thankful for the erase button on my answering maching
I am thankful for the the friends who came over to share a meal with us tonight
I am thankful that Cha finally calmed down and is peaceful
I am thankful that I will be celebrating my 9 year anniversary at work tomorrow
I am thankful that the weather was beautiful today
I am thankful that the Phillies are doing so well
I am thankful for the people who stumble across my blog and ask that you please say a prayer for Cari. She's on my daily prayer list but she can use all the help she can get.
December 2004
That was the last time my life was normal. December 2004, nearly four years ago. Every day since then has been filled with some sort of stress and uncertainty. There have been plenty of highs but I wouldn't call the time since then normal.
I think it started with the tsunami in Thailand. I was visiting my parents in Chicago for Christmas when news broke of the catastrophe. We sat in the lobby of the hotel watching the news for days. Very sad.
In January 2005 I got pregnant. It was unexpected and I was stunned. It was a high risk pregnancy filled with lots of stress. I was happy but anxious. Matt and I got married (another stress) and waited for our miracle baby to be born.
In September 2005 I became a mom and spent the following two months trying to make heads or tails of a newborn. I had little sleep and my head was spinning, and then I had to go back to work.
In November 2005 the company I worked for was gobbled up by another giant software company. Talk about uncertainty! I was a new mom trying to find my mommy-legs, frantically trying not to see yet another marriage go down the tubes and learn the ways of Big Corporate America, praying that I wouldn't lose my job.
This was a tough juggle and I am the first to admit that I let more than a few balls drop.
In March 2006 Matt and I faced a huge legal brick wall. It costs us plenty, financially, emotionally and physically. It was something we had to live with every day for two years. The fact that our marriage has survived is a miracle.
December 2007 brought on the cancer diagnosis which has kicked off a year long process of healing. I am praying that we'll be able to leave the evil of cancer to 2008. It's been a crappy year filled with health and economic crap and I'm ready to be done with it.
I have high hopes for January 2009 and I'm crossing my fingers that life will finally get back to normal!
I think it started with the tsunami in Thailand. I was visiting my parents in Chicago for Christmas when news broke of the catastrophe. We sat in the lobby of the hotel watching the news for days. Very sad.
In January 2005 I got pregnant. It was unexpected and I was stunned. It was a high risk pregnancy filled with lots of stress. I was happy but anxious. Matt and I got married (another stress) and waited for our miracle baby to be born.
In September 2005 I became a mom and spent the following two months trying to make heads or tails of a newborn. I had little sleep and my head was spinning, and then I had to go back to work.
In November 2005 the company I worked for was gobbled up by another giant software company. Talk about uncertainty! I was a new mom trying to find my mommy-legs, frantically trying not to see yet another marriage go down the tubes and learn the ways of Big Corporate America, praying that I wouldn't lose my job.
This was a tough juggle and I am the first to admit that I let more than a few balls drop.
In March 2006 Matt and I faced a huge legal brick wall. It costs us plenty, financially, emotionally and physically. It was something we had to live with every day for two years. The fact that our marriage has survived is a miracle.
December 2007 brought on the cancer diagnosis which has kicked off a year long process of healing. I am praying that we'll be able to leave the evil of cancer to 2008. It's been a crappy year filled with health and economic crap and I'm ready to be done with it.
I have high hopes for January 2009 and I'm crossing my fingers that life will finally get back to normal!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)