getting there

This has been my 2012.

I am really looking forward to 2013.  I'm excited to start a fresh new year.

a little brag

Altho, I didn't work nearly as hard as I could have which means it could have been better...

I had my labwork done for my 'diabetes' last week. I was stunned by the results since the week prior I had more than a few homemade cookies. I was hoping things would be okay, since I've lost 18 pounds since May but I really didn't think they'd be this good.

My history:

Feb 2009
Fasting - 147
Triglycerides - 250
A1C 6.4

Sept 2009
Fasting - 134
Triglycerides - 963 (ouch)
A1C 6.8

Sept 2010
Fasting - 139
Triglycerides - 159
A1C 6.2

Sept 2011
Fasting - 110
Triglycerides - 76
A1C 6.1

For reference, Fasting and Triglycerides should both be around 100 or below and a normal A1C level is 6. I'm getting there!

My theory, which my doctor doesn't think is likely but you never know, is that when I was diagnosed with cancer my body went into complete shock. I feel my stress induced depression is responsible for my sugars being all over the place. My body is beginning to stabilize and I am certain that in another five years (if not sooner) diabetes medication will no longer be necessary.

It's the only way I can explain it. You see, when I'm feeling good I make it to the gym three days a week, cut down (not out) sugars, sodium and carbs and load myself up with water. It's been a rough year tho, so those 'feeling good' weeks aren't as regular as they could be. I've never denied myself dessert, but I been strict with portion control. Two years ago Matt and I would each have a chicken breast for dinner. Last year Matt, Cha and I would all share that breast. This year chicken breasts are less frequent in our household but I still love my meat. (Matt cut out most animal products altogether).

Getting better.

Blogging

As anyone who has created and maintained a blog can tell you, it's very therapeutic. Over the past nearly two years my blog has helped me inform my family about my health updates, meet and lean on others who were also battling cancer, and get a whole lot off my chest (pun intended). Having an outlet to vent about both good and bad was incredibly important and I hope that by being open I was able to provide a bit of help or least some understanding to others experiencing the same.

But it feels like, thanks to God, my breast cancer journey is complete. I saw an oncologist who said I'm done. I have only the tiniest bit of breast tissue left in my body and the chance that my cancer will come back is slim to none. I will continue monthly BSEs to get a feel for changes to my breasts, but I had my last ever mammogram on December 3, 2007 and feel blessed that I never have to have another. I had DCIS, which some doctors don't even consider cancer. I made an aggressive decision to have both breasts removed. At the time a friend told me that it was an 'overly dramatic' move. Well, it might have been but I have no regrets. It was well worth the peace of mind.

My reconstructed breasts are just fine. The scars are fading and they feel okay. They aren't perfect, but neither were my natural ones. My fake nipples look great even if they still don't have any feeling. So, I have no complaints. I will always have a doctor crush on Drs. Singer Kripke. They were knights in shining armor during a very bad time and I will continue to recommend them to anyone needing their services.

My depression [knock wood] is gone. I have been off Lexapro for just about two months and no longer feel any side effects of the withdrawal. My mind is the same as before the cancer, crabbiness and all. I had some amazing therapy sessions during the past two years but learned that most of the hard times were due to circumstances and not severe mental flaws. I see no reason to continue seeing someone.

So I guess that's it. I have been struggling with what to do with this blog, contemplating posting other personal information about my life and struggles but I've decided to let it be.

Thanks for reading and being there for me.

:)

Here I am!

Howdy Ho! It's only been a week but it's been a super busy one.

Let's see....a week ago yesterday I went to my primary physician about my overall crappy well being. She said it could have been the Lexapro but also my clogged up sinuses, lack of sleep, and dealing with my daily stresses without medication. She gave me a script for a sleeping pill and instructed me to get 9 hours a night, no excuses. She also gave me lab paperwork to get my blood work done, just in case. My appt was early in the morning so I managed to get my fasting levels done. Yippee.

Friday my body was just tired. I could barely keep my eyes open. My body hurt and felt like it needed 14 hours of sleep so I dropped Cha off at school and came back to sleep the rest of the day. Her school closes for a week every year before Labor Day, so I had to be ready to be alone with my little high energy diva.

Monday morning Dr. M called to give me the lab results and to give me a long lecture on how to take care of myself. It seems my sugar levels were high. Like scary high. That explains why I've been feeling so crappy. I'm up and down and my body is mad.

She lectured me on diet and exercise and being real. No excuses this time. I had to get in shape or it would kill me. I promised that I would because I didn't want to go on more daily medications. Shortly after we hung up I grabbed the dog and took a long and brisk walk. As I was walking out the door Matt says: 'But what about dinner?' I told him there was plenty of food in the fridge, including lasagna from the night before, and that he was on his own. Seriously, don't give me a reason to make excuses. I could have easily stopped, made dinner for my family, sat down and ate way too much, felt too full for a walk, and spent the rest of the night feeling awful. I needed to get out and walk, and think.

I spoke to a friend that night about all that was happening. I was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to do it. I know my weaknesses and I know that the hardest thing in the world is to get out in the world when you're feeling down, much less get out and exercise. She gave me some good advice. Medication is nothing to be afraid of. It will stabilize me and give me the energy I need to start doing what I need to do.

So, I started taking Metformin this week. A diabetes drug. Crap.

It will work out. I know it will help and hopefully a few months from now I'll be in much better shape and won't even need the pills. I've got my fingers crossed.

To lay it out there:

July Triglyceride: 250
August Triglyceride: 963

Normal: <150

Ouch!

This week has been exhausting trying to keep up with a soon to be 4 year old. Don't believe what they say about Terrible Twos. Three and 4 are much worse. We've had fun but I think we both would have enjoyed it more if she hadn't given up naps.

On Tuesday she and I trotted over to my annual girlie check up. She's become a real pro at exam rooms. My gyn asked me who was following up on my 'breasts'. Well, you see with my type of cancer most doctors say that no follow up is needed. No mammos, no MRIs, no nothing. She made me feel uneasy about it so I decided to call the Paoli Breast Center and ask their opinion. They suggested that I call my breast surgeon, Dr. K as he would certainly want to follow up with me.

Well, I called Dr. K's office and told them the story. I asked if I needed to be seen. Nope, he didn't think it was necessary. Actually he said: I am happy to be one less doctor you need to see.

Just to be safe I called Paoli again and asked to see an oncologist. I've got an appt for next week. The doctor will read my files and let me know if I need any further checks. I'm sure the answer will be no, but it just feels funny to say no one will be watching.

So, that's my week.


A P.S. to Kayleigh.....I gave Valerian tea the old college try, but my God that stuff smells! Even bagged up and stuffed in a box, the tea still managed to make my cupboards stink.

Lexapro Free (scratch that)

I spent most of yesterday afternoon dizzy and feeling pretty loopy. This morning is tough too. I feel like I'm walking in play doh.

I think the weekend's clear head and energy boost was a fluke. I really want this to be over.

Lexapro Free (knock wood)

I hope I'm not cursing myself, but it appears as tho I am Lexapro free. Last week was the worst but this weekend I started feeling normal. What an odd feeling.

I was super crabby on Saturday. Emotions I had forgotten that I had came to light. I was getting frustrated and irked by some of Cha's actions, things that I had grown to just let go. My little angel can be a bit bratty at times. Who knew?

In another week or so I expect to have my self back and I'll start dealing with my quirks then. It feels nice to go to bed and wake up at normal hours. And I've got a bit more energy than I've had in the past.

We'll see how it goes.

Four day chip?

I wonder if there's a 4 day chip for being off the Lexapro. Actually, today is day five and I'm hanging in there. I had been taking the pills every other day but this week I am down to cold turkey.

I've got these terrible hot flashes, which sucks in 90 degree weather. I'm hoping that once menopause hits in the next decade or so I'll think it's a breeze compared to this withdrawal crap.

The HVAC in the office is the pits. One side of the building feels like a freezer and the other side (which houses my desk) feels like a boiler room. I made it a half day today before I headed home to work barely clothed in front of a fan.

The other night I had a dream where I was on a big military ship that was filled with monsters. All the monsters looked like a co-worker and I had to violently slaughter them to make them go away. It makes for a disturbing day when you walk around with visions of slaughtered friends in your head.

Tonight I am going to the movies with friends and then tomorrow cheering on Uncle Milk in Reading. I'm hoping for a clear mind.

Lexapro

I'm trying my damnedest to get off my anti-depressants and it's making me sick. Emotionally and physically sick. I've been saying that I don't want to take them since the beginning of the year. It was one of my New Year's resolutions. Must get off the meds!

If you google Lexapro withdrawal you'll read hellish stories about how hard it is to get off these things. I've tried to wean myself many times in various ways - taking a pill every other day, taking only half a day daily, stopping cold turkey - and it's friggen hard!

Six months or so after I originally started taking them I would receive little notes in the bag from the pharmacy. The notes were warnings that taking the medication could cause suicidal thoughts. Every time I refilled my prescription the note was there. I always read the list of symptoms but they never really applied to me. I'm not having suicidal thoughts but I will admit that Lexapro has caused some really, really dark thinking. And, it causes some of the most violent dreams I've ever had. My dreams are Oscar-worthy in the horror movie category. I hate sleeping because of the dreams. They are every night and the images stay with me daily.

So, I'm trying to get off these things. A couple weeks ago when we went to the beach I made it three days without them. I knew I would start feeling fluish but thought the beach would be a good spot to feel miserable. Especially since I didn't have to work and I could nap alot. Not taking the pills makes my body, and especially my head, feel like it's tin. I feel robotish and like I read in the wiki page, several times a day I felt my brain 'reboot'. It's uncomfortable and terrifying.

I'm perfectly fine to take care of myself, my child and my husband. No one has to worry about me going postal or harming anyone. It's like having the flu and a severe sinus infection while going about your day underwater. If I had it to do over again, I don't think I would have started anti-depressants. Honestly, I think I would have been better off taking a sedative when I was feeling anxious.

Please God, help me get off these things so I can get to the stage where I know how sane I really am. Allow me to breathe easy without meds and enjoy my thoughts and emotions because they will be truly my own.

Feeling icky this week

I think it's a stomach bug and a sinus infection caused by allergies. I was taking Zyrtec every day for allergies but stopped taking them last week when the pollen was behaving. I guess I should just take them every day.

I stayed home from work today. My body ached, I was exhausted, my tummy was a mess and when I went out to pick up Cha from school the weather felt like it was compacting my head. The pressure was immediate and the sun didn't help.

Cha would go to bed Sunday night. She wouldn't nap during the day and zonked out on the couch around 7. I tried to dress her and sneak her up to her room around 8 but she was having none of it. She became a demon child and wouldn't go to bed for anything. I tried to lay with her, Matt tried to lay with her, she climbed into bed with us but nothing worked. I was feeling crappy and finally left her crying in her room around 11. I was so wound up and tossed and turned until 230. That was the last time I looked at the clock so I'm guessing that's when I finally fell asleep.

Tonight was easier. Matt put her down but not without screaming protests from her. She eventually stayed in her room and was asleep around 9. I wish I had a better sleeper.

Feeling restless and itchy

I cannot concentrate. My mind is in a funk and I can't snap myself out of it. I feel like there are a million things I need to be doing and I am frantically running around trying to get them done, but since I'm not thinking well I keep forgetting what the heck I'm doing.

Tomorrow night I was planning on attending the Paoli breast cancer support group. The woman I met regarding my genetic testing in speaking and I would really like to hear her. But with learning about Jen's death yesterday I think I've had my fill of cancer related thoughts for the week. I spent countless hours last night re-reading her blog and researching her procedures. It was unnecessary but I couldn't stop myself. I need a day to step back and take a cancer break.

Well, kinda. Tomorrow night Kelly is having a fund raiser for our Race for the Cure team. She's selling Tastefully Simple and 20% of all sales will go to finding a cure. It will be a bunch of women, good food and wine and lots of laughter. Maybe that will kick me into happy days.

Besides the blahs I'm also itching like hell. My allergies are killing me and I have a sinus infection that is making my head feel like a balloon filled with oatmeal that is fixing to explode. The pressure and the drainage are painful. On top of that Pennsylvania weather is bonkers. A low pressure system with lots of rain and crappy allergens and bringing on a migraine.

Yea, I'm a coughing, sneezing, wheezing, sniffling grumpy mess.

Happy Wednesday to you.

Taking back my blog and coughing up a hair ball

It's 1:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. I've been trying for the past four hours but there are so many thoughts clogging up my brain that I can't rest. I lay (or is it lie) in bed and think about how I just want to get them out and purge my thoughts onto my blog. I think about how relieved I will feel coughing it all up but I've become afraid of this place.

I want to be honest and speak my mind but find myself thinking of the audience and how it will be received. I'm afraid of how this person or that will react, how feelings might be hurt and tempers might be flared. So, I've been keeping it to myself and that has been miserable. It hurts my stomach.

So, I'm going to keep reminding myself that this is my blog and let it all out. I apologize in advance if you don't like what you read.

My marriage sometimes sucks, but I think that's pretty normal. Sometimes Matt and I can barely stand to be in the same room as each other. Our eons of therapy has taught me that when people get stressed they take it out on their spouses because they are safe. If your boss pisses you off there's not much you can do, so you snap at your mate and somehow that makes you feel better. It's not the proper way to handle things but it helps me know not to take things personally. Matt is going thru a very trying time with his legal battle and it has put us both on edge. He can be a first class jerk from time to time which makes me wonder what the hell I'm doing here but I love my husband and know that neither of us are perfect. Must remember that it's only temporary and things will get better.....

Two of my girlfriends had a trying weekend. One was in the hospital and the other was ending her marriage. I worried for both of them and it pained me that there was nothing I could do to help. Part of me felt like saying....been there, done that....here's how you solve it, but I know that's just arrogance speaking. Those wonderful, strong, smart women will survive on their own. Must remember that it's not always about me!!

My family is pissing me off at the moment (and this is where it gets tricky). One thing that being a mother has taught me is that you cannot (or should not) reward bad behavior. I have learned it but struggle to always practice it. Sometimes Cha will whine about something for an hour until I finally get fed up and give in. I realize that it's bad parenting and will only encourage her to whine longer the next time but I give in anyway. She is my precious baby and it's hard to look at her and not give in to her every demand. Not to mention I have a tiny tolerance for whining. Must learn to be stronger!!

If a child, whether they are 3 and a half or 43 and a half, whines and throws a temper tantrum, rewarding them for their bad behavior will only bite you in the end. I am trying my hardest to keep my life as tame and drama-free as possible. It's difficult and sometimes I suck at it, but I keep trying. I want to see my family and have Cha spend time with her aunts, uncles and cousins. I really want her to have fun memories of my side of the family. I've got half a brain full of crazy times with the Jenkins crew. It's not as easy as it used to be tho and I've got to think about what's best for her, me and them. She might never get to know some of her family but I'm just going to have to learn to be okay with that. My job is to keep my child happy, safe and well taken care of. I do not want her exposed to unnecessary drama, especially if it's going to leave a lasting impression. I lived with the good, bad and ugly and choose to shield Cha from the bad and ugly. Must not feel guilty about that!!

Tonight I dropped Ria off at the vet. She's finally getting spayed tomorrow. I feel guilty about not having it done sooner. She goes into heat on a regular basis and the whole house feels her pain. I know a good cat mom would have made that a priority but I've had trouble balancing my priorities lately and sadly the kitties came in last. Checking this off my list will surely help clear my clogged up brain.

I've taken over two other working moms groups and it's turned out to be more difficult than I imagined. Juggling schedules, personalities, problems, concerns, and even pleasantries has my head doing somersaults. I feel like I'm failing at it and wish I could go back to the day when things were simpler.

(Note: I had to google three words in that paragraph because I wasn't sure how they were spelled. Grandma would be proud to know that I got them all right! Altho, maybe she'd be disappointed that a 41 year old wasn't sure how to spell pleasantries.)

Friday morning I have my last ever appt with Dr. S. He's doing the tattoos. I am a bit nervous about seeing him because I'm afraid he'll be disappointed in my body. I had really hoped to have lost a lot of weight and be in great shape by this point of my recovery. I feel like I'm failing him by not perfecting his artwork. I am still so depressed and altho I have been walking on the treadmill in the basement, I am really not doing as much as I know I can. I wish I felt better and could muster up the ambition to get off my ass!

Meanwhile, my body has been taken over by hives or something. My whole body is blotchy and itches like crazy. I scratch all day long. I've tried cream and allergy meds but it doesn't seem to help much. I made the mistake of taking benedryl twice during work hours. That was a bust. It just knocked me out and made me feel like a zombie for the next two days. I've got to schedule a followup appt with Dr. M to discuss my blood work so I'll talk to her about it then.

Alright, I've babbled long enough. It feels good to have gotten it all out. I'm thinking I might just turn off this machine and snuggle up to Pete and Tigger on the couch. They look so comfortable laying next to me.

I've got to get up in a few hours and take Cha to school. It's supposed to be zero, yippee!!

The numbers are in

Ugh.

Dr. M called with the results from my recent blood work. Gotta get healthy STAT.

Fasting - 147

Triglycerides - 250

Total Cholesterol is fine but that really means nothing compared to the others.

I am going back in two months. If my numbers haven't improved she's going to put me on something. I do not want that.

Gotta get healthy!

Something I'm pondering

I read many blogs, some daily and some when I remember. There are two that I read every night - Tabsmom and Cari. Both have made me feel weak, strong, grateful, selfish and whiny. I started reading their blogs a year ago when I started my breast cancer journey. I have continued to read them because they are both compelling and strong women. I am guessing that in real life I don't have too much in common with either, other than being mothers and having breast cancer, but I have deep respect for them.

Anyway, Tabsmom recently posted something that really got me thinking.

b. Those who have not suffered cancer need to be protected from its painful realities. That sounds harsh and likely patronizing, but it is true. Do my friends and family really need to know the explicit details of my pain, sadness, anxieties? No. To what end would that information benefit them or me?

(The full text is here.)

Now I read this days after my lastest post on depression. It's kept me from further posting about what's going on in my head. Yesterday I had a therapy session and spoke about the pros and cons. The cons of putting my thoughts and feelings out there are plenty. Friends, family, co-workers, strangers know my deepest thoughts and can very well throw them back at me one day. I've hurt the feelings of people I love by speaking my mind (as twisted as my mind may be) tho I never intended to be hurtful.

The pros have also been plenty. Blogging is very liberating and cathartic. My goal has always been to put my truth out there and share what is going on with this disease and how my life is changing. On the days when I struggled with posting, knowing that friends would be reading it, I concentrated on an audience of newly diagnosed cancer patients. Strangers I didn't know who were just lurking, just as I did when I first stumbled on Tabsmom and Cari's blogs.

Do my parents and in-laws need to know how terribly sad I am on any given day? Not particularly, especially since it must be painful to know there's nothing they can do to help. Does it serve any purpose for my co-workers or friends to keep updated? Again, no. But a small voice reminds me that it's healthy to put it out there, even tho it makes me feel very vulnerable.

Anyway, my depression and anxiety have been all over the place lately. I achieved the near-impossible today and actually made it to my desk at work. It took several internal pep-talks from the car to the front door and a whole lot of advice from my therapist, but I did it.

I apologize if that hurts. Others have triumphed over much worse and have larger struggles than I do but I'm just working with what I got.

Square One

I feel like I'm back to square one mentally. I'm an emotional mess. I had my appt with the new therapist yesterday and it was good but it kicked off a 24 hour tear fest.

The therapist, Fran, said I seemed to be experiencing more anxiety than depression, tho I am indeed depressed. The anxiety exaggerates every single one of my flaws and I am obsessing over them. Obsessing over your faults leads to major self confidence problems and paralyzing fear. That's where I am.

Fran recommended upping my Lexapro and perhaps asking for separate anxiety meds. I had to meet with Dr. M my primary physician to discuss several other health issues and she wrote me a script for 20 mg of Lexapro. She also gave me some Ambian to help me sleep but I've gotta tell you it doesn't seem to be doing anything. I took it tonight at 8:00 and here it is 10:50 and I'm still wide awake. I really need to turn off my brain, but I just gotta figure out how.

Yesterday Cha had a doctor appt. She hasn't been 100% lately and I wanted her doctor to take a look. She bounced back and is doing better today. She's looking forward to going Trick or Treating tomorrow night so I think she forced herself to get better. Let's hope she doesn't make herself sicker with candy.

Today I am thankful for the medical professionals who are helping me get better. I am thankful for the increased dose of Lexapro and pray that it does it's job. I am thankful that with all the crap going on over the last 11 months, we have been able to shield Cha from most of it.

Dr. M suggested that I try not to really cry in front of Cha. She said my only real job was to keep it together around her. She said to fall apart in front of anyone else, but be strong for Charlotte.

Dr. M asked how much Cha knows about the cancer and I said that we've been very open with her. She's seen the scars and knows that my boobies were sick. I'm trying to make it casual for her so she doesn't freak out and I think we're all handling it very well.

Fran the therapist asked what the best thing that's ever happened in my life. I told her becoming a mother. She asked about the worst thing and altho I could have said the cancer I think this depression is much more difficult. It's every day and there's no surgical cure.

It really sucks but I'm trying to hopeful that things will get better.

Another Shoutout to MIL

MIL sent me a link this week on Postsurgical Depression. Wow, that one hit home. I remember long ago Dr. Kripke warned me that patients often get depressed after surgery but I didn't think it would get this bad.

Here are a couple excerpts from an article titled An 'Understandable' Complication:

Other psychological issues crop up during the recovery period. When we're healthy, we tend to think of our bodies as somehow intact, both inviolable and homogene-ous. Major surgery can shatter that image, and with it the concept of self-sustaining health. The feelings of mortality, of loss, and of vulnerability can be profound, and recognizing depression in surgery's aftermath becomes very important.

Postoperative depression, on the other hand, is more likely to occur well after the crisis of surgery has ended and the patient is back at home or even at work. That can make it particularly difficult for patients to cope with feelings about what they've endured and what their future is likely to be, or for family members and physicians to see and understand their feelings. Stigma continues to surround depression, adds Vaccaro, and many patients may hide their state of mind from families and caregivers alike.

Again not that I am trying to place blame, but this does make sense.

A whole lot of nothing much

I haven't been posting much because I'm having a hard time putting my thoughts together. I still check my favorite blogs every day and I love keeping up with others. I'm having a hard time concentrating and turning my brain off, tho for the life of me I can't remember what I'm thinking one minute to the next.

I've made an appt with a new therapist. Dr. M2 was good and did help but I feel I need something other than what he can provide. I'm battling depression and every day is a struggle. Getting up in the morning, getting Charlotte to school, getting to work, cleaning the house and feeding my family may be simple for some people but it takes every ounce of energy I have and it's making me physically ill.

One of my dearest friends and I confessed to each other recently that we're having problems with money. But, it's not the normal money problem that most people encounter. It's the 'I'm way too depressed and anxiety ridden to pay my bills'. My friend had a bill nearly go to collection because she couldn't bring herself to send out a check. There was more than enough money in the bank but the task of writing a check and putting it in the mail was more than she could handle.

That's where I am right now. The money is in the bank, I sit down at my desk to do the bills and I just freeze. All sorts of fears take over. The economy is in the crapper and we have to hear about it every day. Things only appear to be getting scarier and trying to face financial responsibilities with the fear of losing everything is overwhelming me.

So, I decided to see someone new in hopes that she'll be able to help me with what's going on in my mind. I cannot blame anyone else for where I am but I know it's not something I'm doing on purpose.

Today I am thankful that I am sane enough to reach out for help. I am also thankful for those who stand by me and understand what I'm experiencing. A couple of nights ago when Matt and I were sitting on the couch crying he said 'I don't know how you need me to support you.' It's hard for men who always want to fix things. This is something he can't fix, which is double hard for him since he spent so many years counseling people. I'm not sure what to tell Matt but I'm sure the new therapist will help me.

It's been a long week

The last seven days have been stress filled. Thankfully it has nothing to do with cancer or health crisis's so I guess I can't really complain. It has keep from from posting on a regular basis, so let me catch you up.

Thankful Thursday (abridged) : I am thankful for my four kitties, 40 mpg on the new car, Cha's health, Vicki's movement, long talks with Tobi, getting Comcast back, my migraine finally went away, Connie and Kristin, my husband who knows me well and gives good advice, and God.

My next surgery is scheduled for September 8th. It will be similar to my last surgery, in and out the same day. The pain and recovery will be the same tho I am only going to take a week off. I'm running low on leave time so I'm hoping if I have drains that they'll come out quickly.

My breasts have been giving me some trouble lately. If I roll over and sleep on my right side I wake up in excruciating pain. Matt has heard me scream in the middle of the night thanks to the pain. I'm not sure what's causing it and I am hoping it will be resolved during the next surgery. It's also becoming painful to wear bras. I had a tight support bra on last week and after an hour I felt stabbing pains in both breasts. We were out to dinner with friends and I had to come home and take a dilaudid. It was a real bummer because we had hired a babysitter and planned on making it a late night.

This weekend I had one of the worst migraines I've had in a while. The vomit, cold sweats, and nearly black out kind. Matt was wonderful and took care of Charlotte while I huddled up in the dark, freezing cold bedroom. At one point he asked me if I needed to go to the ER. I think this was the first time he's experienced me with one of 'the big ones'.

I'm having some issues with my mom's group. Just some personality clashes, but it's been difficult. I wasn't sure how to handle it and I second-guessed myself all the way to a bad decision. I've become increasingly intolerant of people lately and I can't decide if it's due to the cancer, heading into my mid-40s, or just my character. People need to be nice to each other and I failed at making that point by being mean.

Cha started swim lessons last week at the local Y. She loves the water but couldn't follow directions to save her life. If the instructor told her to slowly climb in the pool she jumped. And there was no laying on her back and kicking. She just wanted to laugh and splash. This is a beginner class and the purpose to familiarize the kids with water and make them comfortable getting their heads wet. Cha already does well with that so I guess she's ahead of the game. I'm looking forward to the next class when she's alone with the instructor.

Thankful Thursday

I have been weaning myself off the Lexapro for the past 11 days and this week I am feeling the full side effects. It ain't pretty. I didn't realize how bad the withdrawals would be. Hopefully the flu symptoms will be gone by the time I go back to work on Monday.

It should explain why I haven't posted this week. I do have it together enough to post what I'm thankful for.

1. I'm thankful for Kelly for inviting us down to the beach this weekend. This will be Cha's first trip to the beach and she's been talking about it for days. It will be nice to sit in the sun and relax.

2. I am thankful for Dr. Coonhead for her calming influence and wisdom and for trying to talk me out of going off anti-depressants. She may be right but the meds just aren't doing their trick at the moment.

3. I went out in search of a new bathing suit today. I am sure you can imagine how much I was dreading that trip. I was pleasantly surprised that it didn't totally gross me out. The suit that I liked is a bit too revealing and shows off my lovely scars, but I got it anyway. Some day soon it will look perfect.

4. The grass is growing in the backyard and it's looking very homey.

5. My parents had a wonderful time in Wisconsin and are on their way back home. They had a good visit with my aunts, uncles and cousins and I am jealous that I couldn't be there.

6. I am thankful that my brother was approved for his spinal fusion. He's been in pain for far too long and I am praying that the surgery will put him back on the right track. It's scheduled for Monday morning so please keep him in your prayers.

7. The entire house is sleeping before 9:00 pm which is giving me some quiet time to blog and email. Cha didn't nap today so she fell asleep in just a few minutes.

8. I am thankful for my unlimited texting!

9. I am thankful that even tho I feel sad and miserable more often that I should, I always have someone to help me snap out of it.

10. I am psyched that Carlo Hesser is back on OLTL! Awesome!

10:00 and all is, well.....

It's been a rough couple of days. First off, there was a little snag with my short term disability. Despite filling out the proper paperwork well in advance, and being assured by the leave coordinator that everything was approved, my employer didn't pay me. I didn't find this out until late Friday of last week when I checked my balance online. It was too late to call the leave coordinator or HR so I was just kinda stuck over the weekend. I panicked wondering if I should try to force myself back to work on Monday so I wouldn't be out another week's pay. It was stressful.

As it turns out my employer automatically declined my leave since I've taken so much already. It would have been nice for them to tell me this the month before my surgery when I first put in the request. I am only eligible for 66% of my salary but instead of them paying me for that amount they decided not to pay me at all. I spent many hours this week on the phone wading thru the red tape trying to get things resolved. On Tuesday I agreed to use some vacation time to make up the difference and on Wednesday I was told that I'd be paid 'sometime'.

The check arrived this afternoon right around 4:00, when the banks had already closed. I deposited it at the ATM and since this is a holiday weekend I'm sure it won't hit until Monday. Nice, eh? This SNAFU is par for the course for this month's budget. With the price of gas and food out of control, things have been tight. We've also had several other financial bumps in the road and I'm not looking forward to that giant electric bill for having the AC on 24/7.

On to my second rant, my body is ticked about the heat. Imagine heading off to the grocery store on a sweltering hot suburban Philadelphia afternoon. You're pushing a cart full of groceries and one very active toddler across the black top to your car. Imagine picking up those endless bags and putting them in the trunk in 95 degree heat. Then try to imagine doing that with a super tight binder from your breasts to your hips. Also imagine standing in the heat waiting for your toddler to get herself into her carseat because you can't pick her up, knowing that once you strap her in you've got to position yourself and your wrapped body in the front seat of a 110 degree car. I'm sure I don't have to mention how the heat and perspiration irritate my incisions making them runny and gooey and painful. Tonight they are a throbbing and red mess. If I had to do it over again, I would have waited to have this surgery until the weather got cooler. Compression garments and summer time is torture.

Finally, I am a firm believer in karma and knowing that what goes around comes around has made dealing with difficult people more peaceful. However, I keep hearing of these terribly fraudulent, evil people who never seem to get caught. I feel like I am always paying a hefty karmic price while others seem to have blank checks in this world. I need some reassurance that goodness does prevail and choosing right over wrong is still the smart move.

Seriously, R fraudulently works two other jobs while being out on disability and doesn't get caught, but my company doesn't pay me the week of my surgery? What the hell??

Ah, there it is!

The pain has arrived! Holy crap this hurts! Standing up, sitting down, moving my arms, everything hurts!

Imagine the pain of being totally out of shape and then doing a thousand sit ups in one day. Ugh, this sucks! I have been taking Vicodin and I'm guessing that's taking the edge off, but I am still awfully uncomfortable.

On a positive note, my breasts have stopped bleeding.