Square One

I feel like I'm back to square one mentally. I'm an emotional mess. I had my appt with the new therapist yesterday and it was good but it kicked off a 24 hour tear fest.

The therapist, Fran, said I seemed to be experiencing more anxiety than depression, tho I am indeed depressed. The anxiety exaggerates every single one of my flaws and I am obsessing over them. Obsessing over your faults leads to major self confidence problems and paralyzing fear. That's where I am.

Fran recommended upping my Lexapro and perhaps asking for separate anxiety meds. I had to meet with Dr. M my primary physician to discuss several other health issues and she wrote me a script for 20 mg of Lexapro. She also gave me some Ambian to help me sleep but I've gotta tell you it doesn't seem to be doing anything. I took it tonight at 8:00 and here it is 10:50 and I'm still wide awake. I really need to turn off my brain, but I just gotta figure out how.

Yesterday Cha had a doctor appt. She hasn't been 100% lately and I wanted her doctor to take a look. She bounced back and is doing better today. She's looking forward to going Trick or Treating tomorrow night so I think she forced herself to get better. Let's hope she doesn't make herself sicker with candy.

Today I am thankful for the medical professionals who are helping me get better. I am thankful for the increased dose of Lexapro and pray that it does it's job. I am thankful that with all the crap going on over the last 11 months, we have been able to shield Cha from most of it.

Dr. M suggested that I try not to really cry in front of Cha. She said my only real job was to keep it together around her. She said to fall apart in front of anyone else, but be strong for Charlotte.

Dr. M asked how much Cha knows about the cancer and I said that we've been very open with her. She's seen the scars and knows that my boobies were sick. I'm trying to make it casual for her so she doesn't freak out and I think we're all handling it very well.

Fran the therapist asked what the best thing that's ever happened in my life. I told her becoming a mother. She asked about the worst thing and altho I could have said the cancer I think this depression is much more difficult. It's every day and there's no surgical cure.

It really sucks but I'm trying to hopeful that things will get better.

Democrats are funny

I got this from one of my favorite Democrats ever!

Another Shoutout to MIL

MIL sent me a link this week on Postsurgical Depression. Wow, that one hit home. I remember long ago Dr. Kripke warned me that patients often get depressed after surgery but I didn't think it would get this bad.

Here are a couple excerpts from an article titled An 'Understandable' Complication:

Other psychological issues crop up during the recovery period. When we're healthy, we tend to think of our bodies as somehow intact, both inviolable and homogene-ous. Major surgery can shatter that image, and with it the concept of self-sustaining health. The feelings of mortality, of loss, and of vulnerability can be profound, and recognizing depression in surgery's aftermath becomes very important.

Postoperative depression, on the other hand, is more likely to occur well after the crisis of surgery has ended and the patient is back at home or even at work. That can make it particularly difficult for patients to cope with feelings about what they've endured and what their future is likely to be, or for family members and physicians to see and understand their feelings. Stigma continues to surround depression, adds Vaccaro, and many patients may hide their state of mind from families and caregivers alike.

Again not that I am trying to place blame, but this does make sense.

Super busy weekend

It's nearly midnight and I just turned off the Phillies game. They won 10-2 and there was really no reason for me to stay up and watch it til the end. I should have been asleep four hours ago!

Friday night I went to a movie with Mariana. We saw Burn After Reading which I think is one of Brad Pitt's finest roles. It's a Coen Brothers film so it had to be good but seeing Brad Pitt playing an idiot made it perfect. Brad isn't acting when he's playing cool and suave characters. I think my favorite character of his ever is the mental patient in 12 Monkeys. That was fantastic.

After the movie we headed out to PJ Ryan's for a drink. While we certainly weren't the oldest people in the bar (there were several tables that looked to be a retirement party) we were the only ones who clearly weren't out to 'hook up'. Mariana was wearing sweatpants (or 'lounge' pants as she called them). There was one other person in the bar wearing a 'lounge' outfit but as Mariana pointed out, his probably cost well over $200 as opposed to her $7.99 Old Navy special.

We had a good time and it was a nice break. People Watching really should be an Olympic Sport, tho it would be hard to beat Mariana with her Masters in Social Work.

Saturday the working mom's group had a birthday playdate at the library. I made ghetto box brownies and picked up a couple trays from Chick fil A. The kids had fun but it was exhausting trying to keep my eye on Cha. That girl can move and she's a sneaky little one.

This morning we had a Halloween Costume Playdate for the kids. We're having a little flea problem with the kitties and Matt doused them pretty good with spray yesterday. A few of them snuggled up to Cha in her sleep last night and she woke up with red and swollen eyes. I've washed everything and hoping it clears up. I'm also hoping that it's not Pink Eye. She's been cranky this weekend and not sleeping well, so we'll see what happens when she wakes up tomorrow.

We picked up a couple of big pumpkins this afternoon and planned on carving them tonight but Cha just wasn't feeling well. Maybe tomorrow night she'll be up to playing with pumpkin guts.

I took lots of pictures this weekend but I have yet to upload them. I'll post them when I get a chance. Cha looks adorable in her Sleeping Beauty costume.

(BTW, I've been thinking of Grandma Jenkins a lot this week. Oct 22nd was her birthday and we lost her to cancer five years ago. I still miss her dearly but will always have the best memories of her. One sad thought about having kids so late is that there's less time for them to spend with their grandparents. My grandma was 50 when I was born and nearly 86 when she died. 36 years is a long time, tho I wish I had more. Love you Grandma!)

Bonus Pic - for the cat people

I'm sure you all can relate. It's not so much the monitor but the keyboard. I don't need to see the screen but when I can't get to my keyboard we've got a problem.

Not that I would even dare to swat them away or anything. They're just kittens. You can't break their spirits.

You know you want to snuggle them!

:)

Random Pictures - Four Falls

Manoj and Cha in Oct 2005

Cha and Yas in Oct 2006

The front yard October 2007



October 2008

A whole lot of nothing much

I haven't been posting much because I'm having a hard time putting my thoughts together. I still check my favorite blogs every day and I love keeping up with others. I'm having a hard time concentrating and turning my brain off, tho for the life of me I can't remember what I'm thinking one minute to the next.

I've made an appt with a new therapist. Dr. M2 was good and did help but I feel I need something other than what he can provide. I'm battling depression and every day is a struggle. Getting up in the morning, getting Charlotte to school, getting to work, cleaning the house and feeding my family may be simple for some people but it takes every ounce of energy I have and it's making me physically ill.

One of my dearest friends and I confessed to each other recently that we're having problems with money. But, it's not the normal money problem that most people encounter. It's the 'I'm way too depressed and anxiety ridden to pay my bills'. My friend had a bill nearly go to collection because she couldn't bring herself to send out a check. There was more than enough money in the bank but the task of writing a check and putting it in the mail was more than she could handle.

That's where I am right now. The money is in the bank, I sit down at my desk to do the bills and I just freeze. All sorts of fears take over. The economy is in the crapper and we have to hear about it every day. Things only appear to be getting scarier and trying to face financial responsibilities with the fear of losing everything is overwhelming me.

So, I decided to see someone new in hopes that she'll be able to help me with what's going on in my mind. I cannot blame anyone else for where I am but I know it's not something I'm doing on purpose.

Today I am thankful that I am sane enough to reach out for help. I am also thankful for those who stand by me and understand what I'm experiencing. A couple of nights ago when Matt and I were sitting on the couch crying he said 'I don't know how you need me to support you.' It's hard for men who always want to fix things. This is something he can't fix, which is double hard for him since he spent so many years counseling people. I'm not sure what to tell Matt but I'm sure the new therapist will help me.