i still miss someone

Missing my mom on my birthday.

A song from my birthday buddy Bob Dylan...

good night my someone, good night my love

The first post ever in this blog was written after putting my little ChaCha Bear to bed.   Bedtimes have always been a long process and whereas sometimes (many times) I have a long list of end-of-day duties that need to be done, I treasure that time with her.   Our bedtime ritual usually lasts 30-40 minutes but on occasion she's been asleep within 10 minutes of walking in her bedroom door.

Read
Turn off the light
Talk briefly about the day
Sing lullabies
Rub her back and massage her head
Zzzzzzzz

There are a half dozen lullabies that I sing with my terrible and shaky voice.   When she was around two she started asking me to sing the ABC song, which is an odd choice but I can see how it can be soothing.

I can still hear her so clearly.   'Sing ABC Mommy.'  

I would lay down next to her, gently rub or tickle her back and sing the Alphabet Song while watching her fall into a deep and peaceful toddler sleep.  Then I'd slip out of the room and finish my mommy tasks.

She sleeps with a nightlight.  It's a glowing teddy bear that we call Bear Light.  Bear Light and Pillow Pet are bedtime requirements, along with the books and songs.

Last week she told me she's too old for a nightlight so she tried to sleep without it, but grew scared.   I told her I need Bear Light because sometimes I sneak into her room to watch her sleep and kiss her on the forehead, and I couldn't do it without a nightlight.   She's now free to keep Bear Light and blame it on me.


twinkle, twinkle little Char
how i wonder where you are
up above the world so high
like a diamond in the sky

twinkle, twinkle little Char
how i wonder where you are

I love bedtime.

hey kid

i am sad thinking about you.  i wish i could do something to pick you up out of this nightmare and give you a better life. a life where you love yourself and you feel confident that people love and care about you.  and protect you.  especially protect you.

but i am just a person and i cannot do all that i want to do.   i wish i had an endless supply of patience, money, time, and strength but i don't.  i have love but that has been proven not to be enough. i wish it were.

i think about you often and pray for your future.  please reach out to me.

April 21

Dear Mom,

Happy 70th Birthday.  This is the second birthday since you have passed and I'm just going to continue counting.   Had you still been here with us I wonder what we would have done to celebrate your big day.   I wonder where you'd be living and how healthy you would be.   I wonder if your children would still be talking to each other or your grandchildren for that matter.  And I wonder if you're spending today with your birthday buddy Aunt Florence, as you always do.   Tell her happy birthday from Cha and I and give her a hug on her first birthday in heaven.

Seven years ago when Matt and I were getting married and I picked your birthday as our anniversary I had no idea how emotional this day could be.   I hadn't thought out what would happen with our anniversary after you had passed, and how there would forever be a twinge of sadness.   My first thought this morning was not 'Happy Anniversary to my darling husband' it was 'It's Mom's birthday.'   We will be having fun and enjoying the day to honor both special occasions but if I could turn back time I'd make sure that each received their own day.

I miss you terribly and still think of you every day.   I have your wedding ring on a chain and on days when we have something fun scheduled I wear you around my neck so you can join us.   I don't have to take pictures of your granddaughter and send them to you, because you are there watching every moment.  

A funny story - I keep your urn on my bookcase, right next to Brother Keith.  A while back Cha and I turned the music up and were dancing from her room to ours.  She was really bouncing and when I looked up at the bookcase Keith's urn was rocking back and forth. What a dancing fool.  I took a video of it and really should post it because it was funny. 

This weekend we are planting flowers, going to brunch, stopping by a book reading and attending the Dogwood Pageant.  And missing you.   Tonight we're baking a little cake in your honor.

I love you and miss you and am grateful for the life you gave me.   

Stop Mom!!

This is life with a six year old girl.

Cha and I were crossing the street recently and she screams Stop Mom! I look down and she tells me: The yellow is hot lava. Don't step on it.

She has a very active imagination and the girl is always thinking (and talking and singing and moving).

It's a joy to experience but it's also exhausting.

Love her bunches.

thank you stuart smalley

So I mentioned that Cha was being one very difficult child not too long ago. She was getting several 'stop and think' signs at school every week and has been overall quite challenging. We tried taking away TV, games, books, riding lessons, girl scout meetings, desserts, etc. and nothing seemed to work. We talked to her about behaving and being a polite, respectful girl but she would respond that she was a bad kid.

Matt was calling her every morning to say hello and talk about the day. He'd tell her to have fun and mention something neat they'd be doing after school and say he'd meet her at the bus. Just positive chit chat. It was good but she was still getting in trouble. On the days when she got a 'stop and think' she'd be practically crying as she got off the bus, as she knew she'd have to tell her dad. One day she left her folder on the bus because she didn't want us to see the bad mark. She lied and told us her teacher didn't give homework so they didn't need to bring their folders home. It took me ten minutes to figure out what happened. We'd talk to her and she would groan that she didn't know how to be good, because she was a bad kid.

We knew we had to break her of that thinking so we pulled a Stuart Smalley on her. Every morning she and I do a little positive affirmation. The first week I tried she was very angry and would turn everything around. I'd ask her to say 'I'm a very good kid.' and she's say she was a bad kid. She's now playing along and enjoying it and I have to say it has made a huge different. She went from 3 time outs a week to none. Woo hoo!!

This is what she says every morning on the drive to school.

My name is Cha
I am smart
I am funny
I am pretty
I know how to behave
I get along well with my friends
People like me
I am going to have a great day!

We'll mix it up and sometimes I will throw in things like 'Tonight we're doing to ice cream after dinner' or 'I am going to the park with K when I get home.' She loves the surprises and I love how she's happy and smiling when she gets out of the car.

So, thank you Stuart Smalley.

Happy Birthday George!

We made several visits to Valley Forge National Park this weekend to celebrate President's Day. They hosted a birthday party for George Washington complete with artillery demonstration (those canons are LOUD), reenactors, crafts for the kids, lots of music and cake for the big guy himself.

The weather was perfect and we had a fabulous time. I love being surrounded by so much history.