for cari

Prayers for Cari and her family
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Lexapro Free (scratch that)

I spent most of yesterday afternoon dizzy and feeling pretty loopy. This morning is tough too. I feel like I'm walking in play doh.

I think the weekend's clear head and energy boost was a fluke. I really want this to be over.

Lexapro Free (knock wood)

I hope I'm not cursing myself, but it appears as tho I am Lexapro free. Last week was the worst but this weekend I started feeling normal. What an odd feeling.

I was super crabby on Saturday. Emotions I had forgotten that I had came to light. I was getting frustrated and irked by some of Cha's actions, things that I had grown to just let go. My little angel can be a bit bratty at times. Who knew?

In another week or so I expect to have my self back and I'll start dealing with my quirks then. It feels nice to go to bed and wake up at normal hours. And I've got a bit more energy than I've had in the past.

We'll see how it goes.

Four day chip?

I wonder if there's a 4 day chip for being off the Lexapro. Actually, today is day five and I'm hanging in there. I had been taking the pills every other day but this week I am down to cold turkey.

I've got these terrible hot flashes, which sucks in 90 degree weather. I'm hoping that once menopause hits in the next decade or so I'll think it's a breeze compared to this withdrawal crap.

The HVAC in the office is the pits. One side of the building feels like a freezer and the other side (which houses my desk) feels like a boiler room. I made it a half day today before I headed home to work barely clothed in front of a fan.

The other night I had a dream where I was on a big military ship that was filled with monsters. All the monsters looked like a co-worker and I had to violently slaughter them to make them go away. It makes for a disturbing day when you walk around with visions of slaughtered friends in your head.

Tonight I am going to the movies with friends and then tomorrow cheering on Uncle Milk in Reading. I'm hoping for a clear mind.

Lexapro

I'm trying my damnedest to get off my anti-depressants and it's making me sick. Emotionally and physically sick. I've been saying that I don't want to take them since the beginning of the year. It was one of my New Year's resolutions. Must get off the meds!

If you google Lexapro withdrawal you'll read hellish stories about how hard it is to get off these things. I've tried to wean myself many times in various ways - taking a pill every other day, taking only half a day daily, stopping cold turkey - and it's friggen hard!

Six months or so after I originally started taking them I would receive little notes in the bag from the pharmacy. The notes were warnings that taking the medication could cause suicidal thoughts. Every time I refilled my prescription the note was there. I always read the list of symptoms but they never really applied to me. I'm not having suicidal thoughts but I will admit that Lexapro has caused some really, really dark thinking. And, it causes some of the most violent dreams I've ever had. My dreams are Oscar-worthy in the horror movie category. I hate sleeping because of the dreams. They are every night and the images stay with me daily.

So, I'm trying to get off these things. A couple weeks ago when we went to the beach I made it three days without them. I knew I would start feeling fluish but thought the beach would be a good spot to feel miserable. Especially since I didn't have to work and I could nap alot. Not taking the pills makes my body, and especially my head, feel like it's tin. I feel robotish and like I read in the wiki page, several times a day I felt my brain 'reboot'. It's uncomfortable and terrifying.

I'm perfectly fine to take care of myself, my child and my husband. No one has to worry about me going postal or harming anyone. It's like having the flu and a severe sinus infection while going about your day underwater. If I had it to do over again, I don't think I would have started anti-depressants. Honestly, I think I would have been better off taking a sedative when I was feeling anxious.

Please God, help me get off these things so I can get to the stage where I know how sane I really am. Allow me to breathe easy without meds and enjoy my thoughts and emotions because they will be truly my own.

Something Cute and Funny

We had a wonderful time at the beach last weekend. Cha continues to be a water bird. She has no fear at all of the pool or the ocean. She did a fabulous job of holding her breath and going under. She started talking to a mom at the pool (someone we didn't know) telling the woman that she could swim. The mom had a five year old girl and she asked her daughter to show Cha how to hold her breath and go under. Watching another child do it made Cha want to master it, so she kept practicing it over and over. I don't think Matt or I would have been as successful teaching her what to do.

We took a boat trip around Assateague Island and saw the wild horses. We also did a little hermit crab hunting. It was adorable watching Cha jump in the bay with her little net. Everyone but us seemed to find something but Cha didn't mind. She had fun looking at everyone else's nets.

times they are a changing....

This is my buddy Jenni. I'm removing pics of Cha from the blog.