I'm still battling with anxiety. The surgery is still set for Jan 21st and every morning I get up and think 'I've only got x number of days left on this earth' (hence the anxiety issues). I know it's irrational but I can't turn off the fears.
My family doctor upped my Lexapro to 10 mg but I haven't felt any change yet. I went to see my shrink yesterday and he suggested that I stop working now and mellow out because going into surgery with an anxious mind and body will only work against me. What I didn't know until yesterday was that Dr. M2 is a cancer survivor. He's suffered thru 2 bouts of chemo 14 years apart so I felt comfortable with the advice he was giving me.
I met with the breast surgeon this morning and he wrote me a note keeping me out of work, so as of now I am on disability until mid-March. He also gave me a script for Xanax and told me not to be afraid to take it. He said he's glad that I'm on the Lexapro because that will help after the surgery when most people get depressed after being anxious for so long.
I called my boss and told him I wasn't coming back and that was the hardest part. I've been feeling like such a failure at work and I know that's been contributing to the anxiety. He was great about it and told me to do whatever I had to. I just hope my co-workers feel the same way when they see all the things that aren't getting, or didn't get, done.
I have also been having issues with feeling like Matt is not being as supportive as I need him to be. He prefers to tell me that everything will be fine and that I need to concentrate on the positive. He does not like seeing me cry. That's partially what prompted my visit to the shrink yesterday. The shrink mentioned that he's most likely keeping himself in denial because he has to hold it together for me and Cha. Regardless if that's the truth or not, I'm going to buy it. My shrink actually said denial isn't necessarily a bad thing in cases this like. He said studies show that cancer patients in denial actually fare better than people who are very emotional. That's why I've been instructed to mellow out STAT.
When I got home from the appt I took a long walk to the library. I was hoping to find a couple books on stress relief. Unfortunately my local library leaves much to be desired. I drove to the library the next town over and found everything I needed, plus a stress relieving yoga DVD. I also stopped by Walmart and picked up a cheapie CD player so I can listen to music when I walk. (Thanks for the great CD Auntie Ca!)
My job the next week and a half is to relax and clear my head.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Monday, January 7, 2008
Upcoming appointments
The surgery is set for two weeks from today.
On Wednesday I am meeting with Dr. K, the breast surgeon. This is the last appt with him before the surgery and Matt will be coming with me. It's more of a check-in where we'll discuss what will happen and Matt will get a chance to finally ask some questions. I am also going to ask him for some Xanax.
Wednesday will also be three weeks since the genetic testing and I still haven't received the results. Who knows if they'll come back this week or next.
Monday the 14th I have an appt for pre-admission testings at the hospital. I'll be meeting with the anesthesiologist's office (not sure if it's with the anesthesiologist him/herself).
Friday the 18th I am meeting with Dr. S, the plastic surgeon. He'll go over everything and take some before pictures. My mom will be in town so I'll probably bring her with me.
I will be calling Dr. M2's office shortly to see if I can get an appt this week. He's my shrink and I'm in desperate need of some time on the couch. I'm hoping he'll be able to fit me in asap.
ETA: Dr. M2 called me back and said he can squeeze me in tomorrow night. I'm not quite sure if talking is going to help, but I'm going to give it a shot. What I really need is a time machine so I can skip ahead to the end of January.
On Wednesday I am meeting with Dr. K, the breast surgeon. This is the last appt with him before the surgery and Matt will be coming with me. It's more of a check-in where we'll discuss what will happen and Matt will get a chance to finally ask some questions. I am also going to ask him for some Xanax.
Wednesday will also be three weeks since the genetic testing and I still haven't received the results. Who knows if they'll come back this week or next.
Monday the 14th I have an appt for pre-admission testings at the hospital. I'll be meeting with the anesthesiologist's office (not sure if it's with the anesthesiologist him/herself).
Friday the 18th I am meeting with Dr. S, the plastic surgeon. He'll go over everything and take some before pictures. My mom will be in town so I'll probably bring her with me.
I will be calling Dr. M2's office shortly to see if I can get an appt this week. He's my shrink and I'm in desperate need of some time on the couch. I'm hoping he'll be able to fit me in asap.
ETA: Dr. M2 called me back and said he can squeeze me in tomorrow night. I'm not quite sure if talking is going to help, but I'm going to give it a shot. What I really need is a time machine so I can skip ahead to the end of January.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
A coming out, of sorts
I have never met one of my best friends. I share all my secrets with her and she probably knows me better than anyone else on earth. We've spoken on the phone but have never met face to face. It's been planned, but life got in the way. I've got high hopes for 2008.
I post to a message board with a group of women who all had children in September 2005. There are 60 or so of us from all around the world and most of us first connected when we were 5, 6, or 7 weeks pregnant. We chatted about every detail of our pregnancies when people in real life (IRL) couldn't bear to hear another word. We were fascinated with each other's growing bellies, aches/pains and labor symptoms. We cried with and for each other and jumped with excitement over every new birth announcement. We've been there in good times and bad and we know each other better than our closest IRL friends and family.
But not everybody understands this virtual circle of friends. Yes, most of the women could indeed be playing some bizarro video game. Maybe the entire message board is filled with creepy old men pretending to be housewives from Michigan and raise families of ferrets with names like Carolynn, Ryleigh and Zach. I've met enough of them to have faith that they are all real live people on the other side of the keyboard.
I went to visit my family in Wisconsin a year ago. I was only there a short time but I told my folks that I needed to make a quick trek down to Illinois to have lunch with some friends. Where did I meet them, they asked? Well, technically I had never met them. I was meeting them that weekend for the very first time. But the hugs we exchanged were more genuine than those I reserved for my parents. I was just as happy to see them, hold their babies and laugh with them than I was the rest of my family.
The September moms have been my biggest supporters in this ordeal. They were the first to know the news and have been 'with me' every step of the way (as you'll notice by the blinkie under my profile picture). I would have never imagined that 'strangers' would become so important to my life and my sanity.
They deserve a round of applause!
I post to a message board with a group of women who all had children in September 2005. There are 60 or so of us from all around the world and most of us first connected when we were 5, 6, or 7 weeks pregnant. We chatted about every detail of our pregnancies when people in real life (IRL) couldn't bear to hear another word. We were fascinated with each other's growing bellies, aches/pains and labor symptoms. We cried with and for each other and jumped with excitement over every new birth announcement. We've been there in good times and bad and we know each other better than our closest IRL friends and family.
But not everybody understands this virtual circle of friends. Yes, most of the women could indeed be playing some bizarro video game. Maybe the entire message board is filled with creepy old men pretending to be housewives from Michigan and raise families of ferrets with names like Carolynn, Ryleigh and Zach. I've met enough of them to have faith that they are all real live people on the other side of the keyboard.
I went to visit my family in Wisconsin a year ago. I was only there a short time but I told my folks that I needed to make a quick trek down to Illinois to have lunch with some friends. Where did I meet them, they asked? Well, technically I had never met them. I was meeting them that weekend for the very first time. But the hugs we exchanged were more genuine than those I reserved for my parents. I was just as happy to see them, hold their babies and laugh with them than I was the rest of my family.
The September moms have been my biggest supporters in this ordeal. They were the first to know the news and have been 'with me' every step of the way (as you'll notice by the blinkie under my profile picture). I would have never imagined that 'strangers' would become so important to my life and my sanity.
They deserve a round of applause!
High Expectations
Someone told me soon after the diagnosis that this is the time when I'll find who my true friends are. That may be partially so but does it lead to unrealistic expectations?
What happens when those who are closest to you fail to meet those expectations? What happens when the people you depend on most aren't able to fulfill your needs, especially when you're unable to spell them out? Should we judge someone's character because they just don't know what to say or how to act?
I have heard some shocking comments during the last month. A few of which made my jaw hit the floor. There have been times when I felt like smacking someone for an insensitive remark or gotten angry at someone for invading my space. What I need to remind myself is that it's not easy being on the other side of the table either. People mean well, they just might not be able to find the right words.
I do appreciate all the kind thoughts and well wishes. I am grateful for each and every friend and family member. I am truly fortunate to have so many people in my life offering support in one way or another.
If I failed to say it the last time I saw you....thank you.
What happens when those who are closest to you fail to meet those expectations? What happens when the people you depend on most aren't able to fulfill your needs, especially when you're unable to spell them out? Should we judge someone's character because they just don't know what to say or how to act?
I have heard some shocking comments during the last month. A few of which made my jaw hit the floor. There have been times when I felt like smacking someone for an insensitive remark or gotten angry at someone for invading my space. What I need to remind myself is that it's not easy being on the other side of the table either. People mean well, they just might not be able to find the right words.
I do appreciate all the kind thoughts and well wishes. I am grateful for each and every friend and family member. I am truly fortunate to have so many people in my life offering support in one way or another.
If I failed to say it the last time I saw you....thank you.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
My Mommy's Coming!
We got my mom's plane ticket yesterday. Both she and my niece will be flying out on Thursday January 17th. Regina will be staying for two weeks and my mom has agreed to stay for a month. My mom is deathly afraid to fly so she must really love me!
She's leaving from OKC and Regina is leaving from Madison. They're on the same flight, sitting next to each other actually, from Detroit to Philly. I am hoping that will make it easier for both of them. Regina will be carrying baby Mason with her and I'm sure she'll appreciate putting him on Grandma's lap. My mom won't be able to freak out too much with an infant in her arms.
Over the weekend Matt and I hurried around trying to set up the house. We've been using the 3rd bedroom as our office so we had to move things around. Thankfully, the kitties have quickly adjusted to having their litter boxes moved to the basement. I am still on the lookout for a deal on a full size bed so let me know if you hear of anything (or have an extra one collecting dust in your basement!)
She's leaving from OKC and Regina is leaving from Madison. They're on the same flight, sitting next to each other actually, from Detroit to Philly. I am hoping that will make it easier for both of them. Regina will be carrying baby Mason with her and I'm sure she'll appreciate putting him on Grandma's lap. My mom won't be able to freak out too much with an infant in her arms.
Over the weekend Matt and I hurried around trying to set up the house. We've been using the 3rd bedroom as our office so we had to move things around. Thankfully, the kitties have quickly adjusted to having their litter boxes moved to the basement. I am still on the lookout for a deal on a full size bed so let me know if you hear of anything (or have an extra one collecting dust in your basement!)
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
My biggest fear (warning....big downer post)
Yes, I'm afraid of needing chemo or radiation. I'm also afraid of ending up with ugly scars, lifelong pain, ending up with enormous medical bills, and not having a job to go back to when it's all over.
My biggest fear, the one that makes me shake in panic and cannot easily be brushed off, is the fear of dying on the operating table. I fear that something, not necessarily the surgeon's doing, will go wrong and I just won't wake up. Friends remind me that we can die at anytime, in a car accident or slip in the tub. But getting in your car every morning doesn't require a heart to heart with your spouse about your 'wishes'.
Matt asked where I wanted to be buried and that's tough. What happens if I'm buried here and Matt moves on and suddenly Cha has a new mommy? I don't want to end up in a cemetery with a broken headstone or overgrown weeds. (More importantly, I don't want my beautiful daughter to need a new mommy!)
I don't want Cha to lose contact with my side of the family. She has wonderful grandparents, aunts/uncles and cousins who love her. I want her to grow up knowing them and their crazy senses of humor. She has to learn to play cribbage and euchre. She needs to experience a cross country road trip and the joy of finding the largest ball of twine. And a flat tire on the way to Bummerfest, what would life be like without that character building journey?
(Oh, if you hadn't noticed I called my doctor and asked to up my dosage of Lexapro. I'm having a really hard time with things right now and need help snapping out of it.)
My biggest fear, the one that makes me shake in panic and cannot easily be brushed off, is the fear of dying on the operating table. I fear that something, not necessarily the surgeon's doing, will go wrong and I just won't wake up. Friends remind me that we can die at anytime, in a car accident or slip in the tub. But getting in your car every morning doesn't require a heart to heart with your spouse about your 'wishes'.
Matt asked where I wanted to be buried and that's tough. What happens if I'm buried here and Matt moves on and suddenly Cha has a new mommy? I don't want to end up in a cemetery with a broken headstone or overgrown weeds. (More importantly, I don't want my beautiful daughter to need a new mommy!)
I don't want Cha to lose contact with my side of the family. She has wonderful grandparents, aunts/uncles and cousins who love her. I want her to grow up knowing them and their crazy senses of humor. She has to learn to play cribbage and euchre. She needs to experience a cross country road trip and the joy of finding the largest ball of twine. And a flat tire on the way to Bummerfest, what would life be like without that character building journey?
(Oh, if you hadn't noticed I called my doctor and asked to up my dosage of Lexapro. I'm having a really hard time with things right now and need help snapping out of it.)
Happy New Year!
Knock wood that 2008 is good to us all!
We went out to dinner with a small group of friends last night. Cha had a wonderful time running around and playing with the other kids. After the meal we went to a friend's house and had even more fun. Matt had a blast playing tennis and bowling on Wii. That is one of the coolest game systems ever.
Cha started getting fussy around 11:00 so we headed home. I'm shocked that she stayed up til 11:30. She was home and sound asleep by 11:45 dreaming of her buddies. I barely made it to midnight and vaguely remember Matt flipping the channel to see the ball drop.
2007 had some good points, but I'm glad to be done with it.
Cha and her Tebby Bear - Don't leave home without it!
We went out to dinner with a small group of friends last night. Cha had a wonderful time running around and playing with the other kids. After the meal we went to a friend's house and had even more fun. Matt had a blast playing tennis and bowling on Wii. That is one of the coolest game systems ever.
Cha started getting fussy around 11:00 so we headed home. I'm shocked that she stayed up til 11:30. She was home and sound asleep by 11:45 dreaming of her buddies. I barely made it to midnight and vaguely remember Matt flipping the channel to see the ball drop.
2007 had some good points, but I'm glad to be done with it.
Cha and her Tebby Bear - Don't leave home without it!
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