Two Days of Holiday Cheer

It's been a busy couple of days. Yesterday we had our holiday luncheon at work, followed by happy hour at a local bar. Since my fantastic company isn't keen on celebrating or even recognizing Christmas we held a Happy Release Party to celebrate a recent product release.

CAD hosted our second annual Chinese Auction (I think that's what it's called?) where everyone brings a gift and draws a number. The lowest number gets to select a gift and the following person can either steal that gift or unwrap another. Watching a room full of developers juiced up on beer and bickering over dollar store crap was more fun than I've had all year (as seen in the oh so flattering picture below).

There was a great turnout for happy hour and I got to spend time with some old friends. I don't think I say nearly enough how much my co-workers mean to me. There's something magical about that bunch.

Here's the disco ball on the food table. We had more food than we could eat and being I am trying to watch my sugar intake it was hard to pass up all those cakes and cookies (but I did!) I had some super yummy but very spicy Indian food instead. I think I've got a crush on samosas.


Under normal circumstances I would rip this picture to shreds and destroy all digital copies I could get my hands on. However, this is probably the happiest I've been all year and that laugh felt good. The chuckles resulted from trying to toss a Starbucks giftcard across the room and somehow getting it stuck in the ceiling. What are the odds?


The scene of the crime. Nothing says fancy like a sparsely decorated training room.


And a room full of peeps in varying stages of sobriety fighting over the following gifts. Please note, when a gift goes out of it's way to say Pick Me, just move along.



Happy Hour at the Park Ridge hotel. This is CAD, Bossman and I lifting a glass for Derek, who was virtually celebrating in California.


After yesterday's festivities I thought I was all holiday-d out, but I was gifted with an hour at Cha's holiday party at school. Santa, Christmas, and all the traditional holiday songs were embraced. It felt odd for the school to so openly wish everyone a Merry Christmas given the diversity of the students.


Here's Cha and Daddy enjoying some tasty treats. I was good and concentrated on the popcorn and pretzels but boy did those cookies look tempting.



After Cha's party we stopped at Max and Erma's for dinner and some nice family time. Matt and I are both exhausted from a very long week. When we got home tonight he told me I could head up to bed and he'd put Cha to sleep. I stayed downstairs for an hour or so to clean the kitchen and get things put away. As I was cleaning up the dining room I found this sweet scene:


I thought how wonderful it was that the kitties love the tree so much. Two minutes later I walked upstairs and hopped into bed, where I'm currently sitting with all four cats snuggled up beside me. How is it that they know where I'm headed even before I get there? Wherever I am in the house they have to be in the same area watching me. It's comforting but I little spooky sometimes.

Anyway, it's been a great couple of days and we have more fun planned for this weekend. Tomorrow the local library is having a reading of a ballerina book and the kids are encouraged to dress up. So, Cha will be putting on her favorite dance clothes and playing with friends. Afterwards we'll be celebrating Cait's 3rd birthday. We're praying for snow on Sunday so we can get out and do a little sledding.

Happy Friday everyone. It feels great to be upbeat for a change.

work was good

I was gung ho first thing in the morning. I was chipper and peppy and all those other happy adjectives containing double 'p's.

Then about 11:00 I hit the wall. My body started to ache something fierce. My stomach, my chest, even my ankles, they were all in pain. By 11:30 I was exhausted. It hurt to stand up and walk to the printer and I had no energy to do it anyway.

I did manage to finish the day and accomplished quite a bit. I longed to come home, jump into some comfortable clothes and pop a pain pill. Instead I picked up Cha and sat in traffic for an hour while the Pennsylvania drivers practiced driving in the rain for the 10th year in a row. Then I got home, realized that I had to refill my prescription so I threw on some sweats and headed to the pharmacy. Cha wouldn't let me leave the house without her so I bundled her up, dragged her out and chased her around the store before coming back home and hearing her complain that she didn't want the pasta that daddy made her, she wanted hot dogs. Three hot dogs. She announced that she needed a bath and screamed when Matt said he would give her one. She only wanted me and clung to me like a wart. We walked upstairs and I was finally able to take a pain pill but I had yet to sit down and relax. I started Cha's bath, paid a few bills, made a few phone calls, and then tried to zone out Cha screaming in her room while Matt put her to bed. An hour later the three of us were crabby and no one was sleeping. I walked downstairs to finally get myself something to eat (yum, leftover turkey again!). Matt and Cha fought on the second floor and I sat down with the kitties and ate. Here it is 11:20 and the house if finally quiet and I've got to pull the energy together to drag myself upstairs to bed. Altho, I've grown used to sleeping on the couch. The kitties have already warmed up a spot for me.

Tomorrow I've got to bring a bottle of Advil to work so I can enjoy the peace and quiet of the office.

Feeling Grrreat!

It's Sunday night and I'm heading back to work tomorrow morning. I've got to say that I'm feeling great both mentally and physically. Woo Hoo! It's about time.

We put the tree up this weekend and checked off a dozen items on our home project list. My dear friend Rachel freecycle'd us a beautiful armoire that she's no longer using. Uncle Mike was awesome and helped Matt carry it up and down two flights of stairs. It looks beautiful on our landing and I actually had fun organizing our linens.

I love having extra energy to get things done and I pray it continues.

I love my job!

This is what I deal with on a daily basis. Just sitting back and waiting.....


I get up and grab some coffee and I still end up waiting and waiting.

In the meantime, here is what I'm thankful for....


1. My faith that eventually my calendar will catch up to my thoughts.

2. Diane, who handles Dr. S's schedule. She managed to squeeze me in on August 28th.

3. Friends and family who so generously volunteered to lend a hand during my recovery.

4. The free half hour I had to chat with co-workers about the world we live in. John spent some time in Dubai and Russia recently and gave me a wonderful picture of what life is like in those parts of the world. Hong also shared what it's like for a 20 year old Chinese American to intern in Beijing the weeks leading up to the Olympics. Fascinating stories.

5. Vaseline Healing Hand & Nail Conditioner. My hands are so dry and painful and Vaseline seems to be the only thing that makes them feel better.

6. Cha's new booster seat, which she can climb into and out of herself. She is such a big girl. What happened to my baby?

7. Client meetings in the office = free lunch!

8. The bamboo plant that Coonhead sent me is growing like a weed! (Are bamboos weeds??)

9. Brigitte, who has earned her woman of the year award from the mom's group by offering her house on Lake Wallenpaupack for a Mom's Retreat in October. Woo Hoo!

10. I love my job!

Random Pictures

playing with kiersten

pops at little round top

cha and grandma

grandma, our gettysburg photographer

ralphie - simply cool

olivia and tig

just a little hurt

I'm not sure which hurts more, the fact that people in the company were talking about the chance that I wouldn't come back and angling for my job, or the person who thought it was important to tell me about it.

I will not get sucked into petty office politics but it still stings that there are people out there who weren't wishing me well.

Back to Work

Today was my second day back to work and I'm feeling great. Yesterday wasn't nearly as tiring as I had feared. Being back to work and being productive actually gave me a nice boost of energy. I love my co-workers and my job. That makes me one of the few, I think.

Today I had lunch in the breakroom with the guys. They filled me in on all the fun I missed while I was out and I laughed so hard I was crying. Our building maintenance engineer Paul, who lost his grandson Frankie to cancer last year, joined in on the fun. Months ago Ralph met him for lunch in his office and Paul mentioned that his phone rings off the hook but it's always the wrong number. Ralph took advantage and proceeded to answer a few of the calls, which just happened to be bill collectors. Without missing a step Ralph pulled out the worst impression of a woman I've ever heard and managed to piss off all the collectors. Being the genius that he is, he recorded the calls on his cell phone to share with the rest of us. Masterful, let me tell you!

Cha picked up the old schedule like a champ. Monday morning she was up at 6:00 am and this morning she started crying at 5:45. We were out the door by 6:45 both days which put me at my desk on or before 7:30. Knock wood that the trend continues.

She's not loving being the first kid at daycare however. She got used to showing up when all her friends were already there. This morning she walked in the door and yelled 'Where is everyone?' Thankfully most of her friends show up at 7:30 so she's only got a half hour of playing with the toys by herself.

I was exhausted when I got home last night and had a hard time putting Cha to bed. She was a bundle of energy and didn't settle down til after 9:00. Tonight she went down easy at 8:00. Life is good.

Oh, I think my laptop got stolen outside of daycare this afternoon. I am pretty positive I put it in my bag and put it in the car. I can visualize carrying it down the elevator and putting it in the front seat of my car. When I parked outside of the school building I draped my coat over it when I went inside. I parked in a spot two cars down from the playground where the kids were playing and I'd be shocked if someone was quick enough to take it then. I keep trying to convince myself that I never took it off my desk, but I am certain I saw it when I put my coat over the bag. I guess I'll find out tomorrow morning when I get to my desk. Gulp.

Feeling Down

This has been a bad week and I'm feeling down. I'm not sure why exactly, but I'm just feeling it. I wish there was some way to snap out it but nothing seems to be working.

Matt and I are still seeing the shrink once a week and I decided I wanted to see him alone last Saturday. There were a few things I needed to figure out and I'm not quite sure the session solved anything. It helped in that I got everything off my chest (I just re-read this sentence and realized that this phrase will never be the same again), but I'm just not sure what to do with it now that it's out there. I really need to see him again this week, but we'll be out of town. I don't want to go two weeks between sessions. It's not good for me, but I have no choice.

I go back to work on Monday. I can't believe it's only been ten weeks. It seems like much longer. I'm nervous about returning to the office. I'm nervous about getting on with life. My body still aches on occasion but I'd consider myself physically healed. I'm just not sure I'm emotionally ready.

Two weeks ago I started exercising and think I pushed myself too hard. My incisions are red and swollen but when Dr. S looked at them last week he said they were fine. I need to continue exercising but take it a little easier. I think all along I've been pushing myself emotionally. This whole thing has been harder on my mind than it's been on my body. I've been pushing myself to get over it and put the cancer and the surgery out of my mind. And even though these ten weeks have seemed like an eternity, I feel like I still need time.

I need time for me. Not for getting over cancer, or recovering from surgery, or taking care of a toddler, a husband and an entire household, and dealing with friends and family drama. I need time for me. One of the big issues in therapy is that Matt seems to think that I've been on some sort of vacation during this time. I wish that were the case.

I need a week alone on a deserted island to read books, soak up the sun and not think about anything that has to do with anything. Alone. Did I mention alone?

Busy Monday

Cha looked awful when she woke up this morning. She was warm and cranky and I thought for sure she'd be staying home with me today. I gave her some Motrin and she snuggled up on the couch with her bear for about an hour while I cleaned the kitchen and took a shower.

I was so relieved when I walked into the living room and found her singing and dancing and asking to go to school. Her nose is dripping like a faucet but she was in a relatively good mood so I got her dressed and took her to daycare.

After I dropped her off I had to rush to Exton to meet with Dr. S. I was supposed to see him last Friday but we got a bit of snow and I didn't feel like leaving the house. Besides the drain in my abdomen is still putting out too much fluid so I knew Dr. S wasn't going to take it out. I called them on Thursday afternoon and asked to change my appt to today hoping the fluid would mellow out over the weekend. No such luck however.

Today's appointment was very uneventful. I gave Dr. S the sheet of my daily fluid output and told him I knew the tube wasn't coming out. He told me I had to wear my binder 24/7, which I haven't been. I've been wearing a very tight girdle when I'm home and then snug maternity pants when I am out (which isn't often). He said that wasn't good enough, that the binder (or girdle) had to be on all the time. Ugh! It's so uncomfortable and makes driving very difficult.

Dr. S is leaving for vacation this weekend and will be gone for two weeks. I have an appt with him Friday morning so my goal is to get rid of all this extra fluid and have him finally pull that damn tube.

After my appointment I went home and found a voicemail from the boss man. There were a couple of things that I kinda needed to do so I called him and told him I'd stop in. What I needed to do only took fifteen minutes but I was at the office for two hours chatting with my co-workers. I have to admit that was kinda awkward. Every time I see someone I cringe when I notice them checking me out. Some are more obvious than others and I understand that it's natural to look, but it still makes me uncomfortable.

One co-worker's husband was diagnosed with colon cancer in December. He had surgery the week before me and is currently receiving chemotherapy. They are still deciding if he'll need radiation or not. His cancer was much more advanced than mine and they didn't have the luxury of time to obsess over treatment options. R's husband picked the only surgeon he knew and they scheduled the surgery on the first available day. Looking back R said they would have done things differently if they had the time to research.

Standing there talking to her I realized that we were both poster children for early and late detection. I found my cancer very early and had a very fortunate outcome. When he sat down to talk about the results his doctor said he really wished he had come in sooner. He's got a rough road ahead of him and I wish him strength and much success. He's decided to continue working full time during his treatment, so I think he's got the strength thing going for him already.

Tomorrow I get a visit from the nurse. She's a very nice woman and very compassionate. She asks lots of questions and is great with giving out information and explaining everything. While talking to R today she mentioned that she's been using betadine on her husband's wounds. He also suffered a few infections and was told to clean them with betadine and peroxide. I plan on asking the nurse about it tomorrow. I was told to just use neosporin on my open wounds but it's been weeks and they are slow to heal. Dr. S didn't think they were a problem when he looked at them today but I'm anxious for my body to stop oozing.

I've been using peroxide on my belly button and it's looking good. I tried some on my chest and belly scar (which is still beyond icky) and it seemed to help. I still have very little feeling in either spot so the peroxide didn't hurt like I feared. Both areas bubbled over and turned red (which is good, right??) but I didn't feel a thing.

I'll update tomorrow after our visit.

Update

I'm still battling with anxiety. The surgery is still set for Jan 21st and every morning I get up and think 'I've only got x number of days left on this earth' (hence the anxiety issues). I know it's irrational but I can't turn off the fears.

My family doctor upped my Lexapro to 10 mg but I haven't felt any change yet. I went to see my shrink yesterday and he suggested that I stop working now and mellow out because going into surgery with an anxious mind and body will only work against me. What I didn't know until yesterday was that Dr. M2 is a cancer survivor. He's suffered thru 2 bouts of chemo 14 years apart so I felt comfortable with the advice he was giving me.

I met with the breast surgeon this morning and he wrote me a note keeping me out of work, so as of now I am on disability until mid-March. He also gave me a script for Xanax and told me not to be afraid to take it. He said he's glad that I'm on the Lexapro because that will help after the surgery when most people get depressed after being anxious for so long.

I called my boss and told him I wasn't coming back and that was the hardest part. I've been feeling like such a failure at work and I know that's been contributing to the anxiety. He was great about it and told me to do whatever I had to. I just hope my co-workers feel the same way when they see all the things that aren't getting, or didn't get, done.

I have also been having issues with feeling like Matt is not being as supportive as I need him to be. He prefers to tell me that everything will be fine and that I need to concentrate on the positive. He does not like seeing me cry. That's partially what prompted my visit to the shrink yesterday. The shrink mentioned that he's most likely keeping himself in denial because he has to hold it together for me and Cha. Regardless if that's the truth or not, I'm going to buy it. My shrink actually said denial isn't necessarily a bad thing in cases this like. He said studies show that cancer patients in denial actually fare better than people who are very emotional. That's why I've been instructed to mellow out STAT.

When I got home from the appt I took a long walk to the library. I was hoping to find a couple books on stress relief. Unfortunately my local library leaves much to be desired. I drove to the library the next town over and found everything I needed, plus a stress relieving yoga DVD. I also stopped by Walmart and picked up a cheapie CD player so I can listen to music when I walk. (Thanks for the great CD Auntie Ca!)

My job the next week and a half is to relax and clear my head.

Are we living in the 1800s??

When I dropped Cha off at daycare this morning her teachers said that Scarlet Fever is running around the school. Scarlet Fever? How crazy is that?! They said it's starting with the rosy cheeks, followed by vomiting and diarrhea. It's a strep/Scarlet fever mix so antibiotics should be an easy fix. I have to pick Cha up shortly and take her to the doctor for a rapid test. I'm hoping it passes her by. I don't want her sick for Christmas.

I had lunch with Kristin and Baby Carly today. I haven't been out in the real world forever. It was nice to sit and chat and I felt so much better afterwards. I miss my friends.

I called to confirm a surgery time but the office is closed. I left a message and should hear back from them tomorrow. I've got January 21st on the brain and Dr. K said it should be free, so I'm hoping that's the day. I submitted the request for medical leave for work this afternoon. The plastic surgeon said recovery would be 6-8 weeks, so I put it for the full 8 weeks. It has to be approved but I highly doubt they would have a problem with it. The benefit covers 100% of salary for 63 days, which will make things easy. One of the perks of working for a mammoth company.

I had a meeting with my boss today too. I gave him the update and filled him in on my schedule. He has been so wonderful and understanding. At the end of the meeting he handed over three envelopes from my co-workers. They sent a gift basket earlier last week but the envelopes were over the top. They included gift certificates to a spa and a very nice restaurant and an envelope filled with something green. I am touched beyond belief.

I miss work

I am home again from work today. I was looking forward to going back yesterday but Cha woke up feeling bad. She had a fever, her nose was runny, and she looked miserable. I made the mistake of waking her up at 6:30 am to get her dressed and ready for school.

I managed to get half way to work when I noticed how awful she looked so I turned around and brought her home. She slept quite a bit but was super whiny when she was awake. It made for a loooong day.

This morning she woke up happy but I am feeling miserable. I could barely get out of bed and dreaded getting Cha dressed and ready for school. It's a 25 minute drive in bumper-to-bumper traffic, but the thought of keeping her home with me again was more than I could take. I need a hot shower and a nice long nap, which is impossible with a toddler running around.

I miss work though. I'll be going in tomorrow, but leaving early for the MRI.