When I woke up from my second surgery I was wearing a bra. It was the coolest thing ever and felt so comfortable. It's got clasps in the back and zips up the front, and it was cute! This is the cutest bra I've worn in a long time.
A few days after my surgery as my breasts started leaking my bra got a bit icky. I asked one of the nurses to steal another one for me from the O.R. and was so excited when she brought it back to my room. I put it on and felt like I was in heaven!
I only have the two bras which means I am washing one every day. My breasts are still goopy and despite the gauze and pads I still leak thru to the bra. This afternoon I ventured out to Kohls to see if I could find something similar but there really isn't much out there. It's hard to wear the suggested sports bras when you can't really lift your arms over your head, you know?
Anyway, the bras are called Sleep Bra and aren't available in stores. If you happen upon them anywhere please let me know.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Sleep, glorious sleep!
I've been napping all week. Tobi got to town on Tuesday and she immediately took control of the house and Cha. It was wonderful not having to worry about anything and allowed me to sleep, sleep, and sleep.
Wednesday morning Tobi took me to my appt with my family doctor. The surgeon was certain I had diabetes which contributed to all the complications last week. My daily labs and finger sticks in the hospital showed that my sugar levels were out of control. I was getting insulin shots a couple times a day and they put me on a restricted diet. I had blood work done prior to the surgery and everything was fine so Dr. S wanted me to check things out with my family doctor.
Dr. M gave me a diabetes lecture with lots of information, an accu-check and a script for lancets and strips. I was instructed to test my sugar levels several times a day and go see the diabetes dietitian at the hospital. She gave me paperwork to immediately get my blood work down at the lab downstairs, which I did. I've been stressing over the diabetes factor and dreading being on insulin for the rest of my life.
Well, Dr. M's office called this morning to say that I tested negative for diabetes and my sugar levels were actually very normal. All the stress of the cancer and the surgery was just doing wacky things to my system. They did find that my potassium was a bit elevated but I think that's because I've been eating a lot of bananas this week (trying to be healthy and all!) They told me to cut out on all the bananas for a bit and go back next week for a second set of blood work. I am sooooo relieved that I don't have diabetes. I feel like I really dodged a bullet on that one.
Today I met with the plastic surgeon and he had wonderful things to say. I am healing very well and everything is right on track. One of my drains fell out of my left breast and he removed another from my right breast today, so I am down to a mere three drains. I have another appt with Dr. S next week and wouldn't be surprised if they all come out then. They really aren't draining too much now.
I've been a real slacker about returning emails and phone calls this week. That's because I've been sleeping so much. I was exhausted after my doctor visits and had to come home each day and take a four hour nap. Then I'd get a quick cat nap before dinner and another before bedtime. I feel great, I just think my body needs to sleep and relax.
Here's Tobi and I tonight before dinner. As you can see, we're having a fun time.
I promise to update more tomorrow. It's midnight now and I can't believe I'm awake!
Wednesday morning Tobi took me to my appt with my family doctor. The surgeon was certain I had diabetes which contributed to all the complications last week. My daily labs and finger sticks in the hospital showed that my sugar levels were out of control. I was getting insulin shots a couple times a day and they put me on a restricted diet. I had blood work done prior to the surgery and everything was fine so Dr. S wanted me to check things out with my family doctor.
Dr. M gave me a diabetes lecture with lots of information, an accu-check and a script for lancets and strips. I was instructed to test my sugar levels several times a day and go see the diabetes dietitian at the hospital. She gave me paperwork to immediately get my blood work down at the lab downstairs, which I did. I've been stressing over the diabetes factor and dreading being on insulin for the rest of my life.
Well, Dr. M's office called this morning to say that I tested negative for diabetes and my sugar levels were actually very normal. All the stress of the cancer and the surgery was just doing wacky things to my system. They did find that my potassium was a bit elevated but I think that's because I've been eating a lot of bananas this week (trying to be healthy and all!) They told me to cut out on all the bananas for a bit and go back next week for a second set of blood work. I am sooooo relieved that I don't have diabetes. I feel like I really dodged a bullet on that one.
Today I met with the plastic surgeon and he had wonderful things to say. I am healing very well and everything is right on track. One of my drains fell out of my left breast and he removed another from my right breast today, so I am down to a mere three drains. I have another appt with Dr. S next week and wouldn't be surprised if they all come out then. They really aren't draining too much now.
I've been a real slacker about returning emails and phone calls this week. That's because I've been sleeping so much. I was exhausted after my doctor visits and had to come home each day and take a four hour nap. Then I'd get a quick cat nap before dinner and another before bedtime. I feel great, I just think my body needs to sleep and relax.
Here's Tobi and I tonight before dinner. As you can see, we're having a fun time.
I promise to update more tomorrow. It's midnight now and I can't believe I'm awake!
My Art Project
Several weeks ago I ordered some Girl Scout cookies from one of the girls up the street. She came by to deliver them on Tuesday. I've been wandering around the house in my PJs with my drains pinned to my shirt and didn't really think anything of it when I answered the door.
I gave her the money for the cookies and she handed over the boxes and then she said:
Are you working on an art project?
It took a minute for me to figure out what she meant then I realized the drains looked like some sort of artists tool belt. I had to laugh and tell her they were for my surgery and then I apologized for not covering up.
Here's my groovy art project:
I gave her the money for the cookies and she handed over the boxes and then she said:
Are you working on an art project?
It took a minute for me to figure out what she meant then I realized the drains looked like some sort of artists tool belt. I had to laugh and tell her they were for my surgery and then I apologized for not covering up.
Here's my groovy art project:
Monday, February 4, 2008
A very good day
I had a very good day. My pain was minimal, I was able to get around the house easily, I got a good system going with the drains and the meds and I am finally feeling 'smaller.'
With all the ups and downs that have been going on with my breasts the past two weeks I could never get a feel for the final product (pun intended). Today the swelling has gone way down and while they are still lumpy and bruised I can see how it won't be too much longer before they're actually normal.
My lap still looks hideous and bruised. Despite all the swelling I am finally wearing pants two sizes smaller and they are loose around my waist. I was feeling blue last week when I got home and not even my fattest of fat clothes fit. Yes, it is minor and vain but when your body hurts as much as mine did the last thing you want to worry about is looking like an even bigger cow than you feel.
BFF Kel picked up Cha from daycare today and helped with housecleaning. Cha followed her around upstairs and chatted her up while Kel changed sheets and did a load of laundry. I hope that some day I will be able to repay Kel for all the emotional, physical and spiritual support she has given me. She's a dear friend and I will forever treasure her. (Oh, she's also an incredible real estate agent - check her out!)
With all the ups and downs that have been going on with my breasts the past two weeks I could never get a feel for the final product (pun intended). Today the swelling has gone way down and while they are still lumpy and bruised I can see how it won't be too much longer before they're actually normal.
My lap still looks hideous and bruised. Despite all the swelling I am finally wearing pants two sizes smaller and they are loose around my waist. I was feeling blue last week when I got home and not even my fattest of fat clothes fit. Yes, it is minor and vain but when your body hurts as much as mine did the last thing you want to worry about is looking like an even bigger cow than you feel.
BFF Kel picked up Cha from daycare today and helped with housecleaning. Cha followed her around upstairs and chatted her up while Kel changed sheets and did a load of laundry. I hope that some day I will be able to repay Kel for all the emotional, physical and spiritual support she has given me. She's a dear friend and I will forever treasure her. (Oh, she's also an incredible real estate agent - check her out!)
Sunday, February 3, 2008
She soothes my soul
I am home. The doctor gave me the all clear around noon but they wanted to get a bit more antibiotics into my system before I walked out the door. They inserted a PICC line in my arm last Monday after five of my veins bailed in a few hour period. It made it easy to give me a/b and draw blood but it kept me in the hospital three extra hours as I had to wait for someone to come remove it.
Cha and Matt came to pick me up and we were all excited to see each other. It was just the three of us at home tonight and it was wonderful relaxing and laughing with each other. When it came time for bed Matt had a very hard time putting her down. She just didn't want to go but was obviously super exhausted.
After 20 minutes of screaming in her room I walked upstairs and climbed over her baby gate. I knew that she wanted me to sleep on the floor next to her but I explained that I was too sick but I would sit on her glider and sing to her while she slept. The second I sat down she climbed up on my lap and laid her head on my chest. She let out a very loud sigh and her body relaxed in my arms.
I told her that I loved her and that I missed her when I was gone. I said I hoped I would never have to leave her again but I was home now and could hold her all night. She looked up and said 'I love you Mommy'.
We rocked for nearly an hour and at first I sang to her but then just held on and rocked. Her bottom was on my thighs and altho her head was directly on my breasts it wasn't too uncomfortable. She certainly didn't do any permanent damage. With every body twitch and visible sigh I knew this was what it was all about. She is why I've got to get my body back together and keep myself healthy for the next 40 years. If ever I feel like giving up again I'll have to remind myself of the rocker and how my little girl is blessed with magic healing powers.
Cha and Matt came to pick me up and we were all excited to see each other. It was just the three of us at home tonight and it was wonderful relaxing and laughing with each other. When it came time for bed Matt had a very hard time putting her down. She just didn't want to go but was obviously super exhausted.
After 20 minutes of screaming in her room I walked upstairs and climbed over her baby gate. I knew that she wanted me to sleep on the floor next to her but I explained that I was too sick but I would sit on her glider and sing to her while she slept. The second I sat down she climbed up on my lap and laid her head on my chest. She let out a very loud sigh and her body relaxed in my arms.
I told her that I loved her and that I missed her when I was gone. I said I hoped I would never have to leave her again but I was home now and could hold her all night. She looked up and said 'I love you Mommy'.
We rocked for nearly an hour and at first I sang to her but then just held on and rocked. Her bottom was on my thighs and altho her head was directly on my breasts it wasn't too uncomfortable. She certainly didn't do any permanent damage. With every body twitch and visible sigh I knew this was what it was all about. She is why I've got to get my body back together and keep myself healthy for the next 40 years. If ever I feel like giving up again I'll have to remind myself of the rocker and how my little girl is blessed with magic healing powers.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Personal Journey
This is going to be a very sensitive post and while I hope I don't hurt too many feelings, I need to get things out.
What I need from recovery is:
Someone to take care of my child, entertain her, bathe her and put her to bed every night. When she is screaming wild I need someone to take her outside and run off her steam, or simply take her to the grocery store to give me some peace.
A clean sink so I can fill up my Brita container and have fresh water to take my meds. When I pull an empty Brita out of the fridge at 2:00 in the morning and cannot fill it due to three nights worth of dirty dishes, I get sad and frustrated. I scrubbed the dishes myself and put them in the dishwasher and hurt myself.
Someone to feed my cats every single morning. If everyone sleeps in and the cats don't get fed they come scratching for me. I am unable to bend down and feed the cats. I tried and hurt myself. One morning while I opened the fridge to grab some yogurt one of the kitties climbed up my bare legs and scratched my chest. He hadn't been fed and was looking for food. I screamed and bled like hell.
Someone to rub my back. The doctor said I had some fluids in my lungs and while I was doing a good job of coughing things up, he wanted someone to rub my back to keep things loose.
Instead of the above stated help I got a whole lot of fights last weekend. My mom was sick and in bed 24/7 so she was unable to provide any assistance. I knew she had pneumonia and despite Matt and I begging her to go to the doctor she refused and just stayed sick. My fears of catching her illness quickly turned to major anxiety.
My niece was completely over her head taking care of two children. She didn't have the experience to juggle the two and sad to say Cha and the housekeeping took a distant third.
My husband continued to work 50 hours a week and came home pissed every night that the house was a mess, Cha was too wild and everyone in the house got to nap all day but him. He took his anger out on me. If I asked him to do something he would say no, that I had to ask Regina. I asked him to rub my back and he said he was too busy playing his video game. He thought it was a valid excuse since he worked all day and needed to wind down somehow. One morning Cha woke up at 5:00 am. Matt carried her downstairs and put her on the couch next to me then went back upstairs to go back to sleep. I was in no condition to take care of a 2 year old and felt so betrayed that he expected me to, so I just cried.
It was an angry and stress filled house. The visiting nurse made mention of it Sunday morning when she came to check up on me. It took all I had not to cry because I was at the end of my rope. Everyone was mad and no one was taking care of me. I was preparing my own meals, showering on my own, changing my own dressing, emptying my drains and cleaning up the house.
Sunday afternoon MIL left a voicemail saying that she wanted to stop by that night if it was okay. I told Matt that I wasn't feeling well and wasn't up for visitors. He got angry and said I had no right to tell him that he couldn't have his parents over.
While they were there my temp jumped to 101 and then finally 102. After they left I called my doctor and he told me to get to the ER immediately.
They settled me in for the night and the next morning I started all the testing. It was during one of the tests that I started breaking down. I just couldn't hold it together anymore and asked someone to call my shrink. He was on the phone in less than a half hour and we talked for a bit. It was during this discussion that I admitted that it was too much for me and I was beginning to feel like I just didn't want to keep trying anymore. I was in the most pain I've ever experienced and every day felt like a huge fight, but I couldn't see the pay off. Why was I trying so hard for such a shitty homelife?
When Dr. M2 got off the phone with me he did the only thing he could do, he called my nurses and instructed them to put me on a suicide watch. I was placed on one-on-one which meant that I was not allowed to be alone. Several doctors came in to talk to me and the nurses were extra sensitive. I was told that when I was released I might either have to find another place to stay or that Matt would, until we get things figured out. All I knew was that I needed someone to help me recover and that I couldn't do it on my own.
I was taken off suicide watch after two days. I never seriously wanted to hurt myself. I stopped taking my anti-depressants the day of my surgery and hadn't gone back on them, so I think that might help to explain things.
This is a long personal journey and it's true that unless you've walked in these shoes you have no clue what it's like. And I'm sure it's different from woman to woman too.
Thanks for reading.
What I need from recovery is:
Someone to take care of my child, entertain her, bathe her and put her to bed every night. When she is screaming wild I need someone to take her outside and run off her steam, or simply take her to the grocery store to give me some peace.
A clean sink so I can fill up my Brita container and have fresh water to take my meds. When I pull an empty Brita out of the fridge at 2:00 in the morning and cannot fill it due to three nights worth of dirty dishes, I get sad and frustrated. I scrubbed the dishes myself and put them in the dishwasher and hurt myself.
Someone to feed my cats every single morning. If everyone sleeps in and the cats don't get fed they come scratching for me. I am unable to bend down and feed the cats. I tried and hurt myself. One morning while I opened the fridge to grab some yogurt one of the kitties climbed up my bare legs and scratched my chest. He hadn't been fed and was looking for food. I screamed and bled like hell.
Someone to rub my back. The doctor said I had some fluids in my lungs and while I was doing a good job of coughing things up, he wanted someone to rub my back to keep things loose.
Instead of the above stated help I got a whole lot of fights last weekend. My mom was sick and in bed 24/7 so she was unable to provide any assistance. I knew she had pneumonia and despite Matt and I begging her to go to the doctor she refused and just stayed sick. My fears of catching her illness quickly turned to major anxiety.
My niece was completely over her head taking care of two children. She didn't have the experience to juggle the two and sad to say Cha and the housekeeping took a distant third.
My husband continued to work 50 hours a week and came home pissed every night that the house was a mess, Cha was too wild and everyone in the house got to nap all day but him. He took his anger out on me. If I asked him to do something he would say no, that I had to ask Regina. I asked him to rub my back and he said he was too busy playing his video game. He thought it was a valid excuse since he worked all day and needed to wind down somehow. One morning Cha woke up at 5:00 am. Matt carried her downstairs and put her on the couch next to me then went back upstairs to go back to sleep. I was in no condition to take care of a 2 year old and felt so betrayed that he expected me to, so I just cried.
It was an angry and stress filled house. The visiting nurse made mention of it Sunday morning when she came to check up on me. It took all I had not to cry because I was at the end of my rope. Everyone was mad and no one was taking care of me. I was preparing my own meals, showering on my own, changing my own dressing, emptying my drains and cleaning up the house.
Sunday afternoon MIL left a voicemail saying that she wanted to stop by that night if it was okay. I told Matt that I wasn't feeling well and wasn't up for visitors. He got angry and said I had no right to tell him that he couldn't have his parents over.
While they were there my temp jumped to 101 and then finally 102. After they left I called my doctor and he told me to get to the ER immediately.
They settled me in for the night and the next morning I started all the testing. It was during one of the tests that I started breaking down. I just couldn't hold it together anymore and asked someone to call my shrink. He was on the phone in less than a half hour and we talked for a bit. It was during this discussion that I admitted that it was too much for me and I was beginning to feel like I just didn't want to keep trying anymore. I was in the most pain I've ever experienced and every day felt like a huge fight, but I couldn't see the pay off. Why was I trying so hard for such a shitty homelife?
When Dr. M2 got off the phone with me he did the only thing he could do, he called my nurses and instructed them to put me on a suicide watch. I was placed on one-on-one which meant that I was not allowed to be alone. Several doctors came in to talk to me and the nurses were extra sensitive. I was told that when I was released I might either have to find another place to stay or that Matt would, until we get things figured out. All I knew was that I needed someone to help me recover and that I couldn't do it on my own.
I was taken off suicide watch after two days. I never seriously wanted to hurt myself. I stopped taking my anti-depressants the day of my surgery and hadn't gone back on them, so I think that might help to explain things.
This is a long personal journey and it's true that unless you've walked in these shoes you have no clue what it's like. And I'm sure it's different from woman to woman too.
Thanks for reading.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Update
This update is long overdue, but I've been in no condition to put my thoughts together or type.
I was released last Friday and the weekend was tough. My family didn't know what to do with me or how to help, so I took on too much myself. My body was not happy with this at all and had decided it needed a break.
Matt invited the ILs over for dinner dinner Sunday night and I think all the excitement pushed me over the edge. My temp soared to 102 and I called my doctor. He told me to get to the emergency room ASAP and he would meet me there.
They admitted me and spent the next three days running every test they could. I was still running a fever and my white blood count was much too high. On Thursday the Infectious Disease Doctor and my Plastic Surgeon decided it had to be my breasts. They ran a culture last night and decided to rush me to surgery. I had planned on taking before shots of my breasts to show exactly how enormous and swollen they were, now it's just burned into the minds of the select few who actually saw them in person. The only word to truly decide them is EWWWWWW.
I got out of surgery at 1030 and I felt a 100 times better. I haven't had a temp since and the pain is much easier to take.
Despite receiving four units of blood, my white cell count is still too high so there's no plan to release me over the weekend. The Infectious Disease doctor said he'd like to keep me til at least Monday. We'll see.
There's a whole lot more to the story and I'm not quite sure I'll share. Maybe someday but I a not in my top form at the moment.
Thanks for the prayers and for thinking of me. I'm still gun shy about having visitors for the time being. I'll let you know when I feel up to seeing people.
I was released last Friday and the weekend was tough. My family didn't know what to do with me or how to help, so I took on too much myself. My body was not happy with this at all and had decided it needed a break.
Matt invited the ILs over for dinner dinner Sunday night and I think all the excitement pushed me over the edge. My temp soared to 102 and I called my doctor. He told me to get to the emergency room ASAP and he would meet me there.
They admitted me and spent the next three days running every test they could. I was still running a fever and my white blood count was much too high. On Thursday the Infectious Disease Doctor and my Plastic Surgeon decided it had to be my breasts. They ran a culture last night and decided to rush me to surgery. I had planned on taking before shots of my breasts to show exactly how enormous and swollen they were, now it's just burned into the minds of the select few who actually saw them in person. The only word to truly decide them is EWWWWWW.
I got out of surgery at 1030 and I felt a 100 times better. I haven't had a temp since and the pain is much easier to take.
Despite receiving four units of blood, my white cell count is still too high so there's no plan to release me over the weekend. The Infectious Disease doctor said he'd like to keep me til at least Monday. We'll see.
There's a whole lot more to the story and I'm not quite sure I'll share. Maybe someday but I a not in my top form at the moment.
Thanks for the prayers and for thinking of me. I'm still gun shy about having visitors for the time being. I'll let you know when I feel up to seeing people.
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