Tuesday, May 31, 2011
ten things
Ten things to be grateful for this beautiful Tuesday morning:
Working A/C at the office
A full tank of gas
Delicious fresh fruit for lunch
Memories of a fun-filled and safe Memorial Day Weekend
The future
Great friends
Sweet and lovable kitties
Comfortable summer sandals
Vacation planning
NPR
Working A/C at the office
A full tank of gas
Delicious fresh fruit for lunch
Memories of a fun-filled and safe Memorial Day Weekend
The future
Great friends
Sweet and lovable kitties
Comfortable summer sandals
Vacation planning
NPR
Sunday, May 29, 2011
a dream
True Story.
Last night I had a dream that I went to prison. The beginning of the dream was very involved and detailed the process of getting to the cell. Not that I have any idea what going to prison is like, but my dream made it seem very frustrating.
There were long lines with miserable and scary people, terrible smells, itchy clothing and fear. There were hundreds of us, men and women, being processed and that part of the dream was certainly a nightmare.
Once we were behind the bars I ran into one of my mom friends. There was no mention of what brought us there but we clutched each other and giggled a little bit behind our fear.
One mom friend turned into two and then there were six. And then a pool and hot tub appeared, and internet access, and video chatting with family members. Looking across the hall we could see the husbands who were watching TV and playing cards. Then one of the guards started sneaking our kids in to see us. Our cells became bigger and we made them more homey. The kids got to sleep over and covered the walls with pictures.
We'd meet up with the husbands/dads in the prison yard which grew a pond with a gazebo and we all got a chance to fish. After a while that prison turned into quite a beautiful place.
It's been nearly ten years since my husband and I met. We were both recently divorced and he answered my online personal ad. Ten crazy years. I guess that was on my mind last night before I went to bed.
Last night I had a dream that I went to prison. The beginning of the dream was very involved and detailed the process of getting to the cell. Not that I have any idea what going to prison is like, but my dream made it seem very frustrating.
There were long lines with miserable and scary people, terrible smells, itchy clothing and fear. There were hundreds of us, men and women, being processed and that part of the dream was certainly a nightmare.
Once we were behind the bars I ran into one of my mom friends. There was no mention of what brought us there but we clutched each other and giggled a little bit behind our fear.
One mom friend turned into two and then there were six. And then a pool and hot tub appeared, and internet access, and video chatting with family members. Looking across the hall we could see the husbands who were watching TV and playing cards. Then one of the guards started sneaking our kids in to see us. Our cells became bigger and we made them more homey. The kids got to sleep over and covered the walls with pictures.
We'd meet up with the husbands/dads in the prison yard which grew a pond with a gazebo and we all got a chance to fish. After a while that prison turned into quite a beautiful place.
It's been nearly ten years since my husband and I met. We were both recently divorced and he answered my online personal ad. Ten crazy years. I guess that was on my mind last night before I went to bed.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Thanks Mom!
44 years ago today my mom caught pneumonia while driving to UCLA med center in a convertible in the rain to give birth to me.
She told that story many times over the years, and it usually ended in 'Damn kid'.
Miss you mom. Thanks for everything.
She told that story many times over the years, and it usually ended in 'Damn kid'.
Miss you mom. Thanks for everything.
Monday, May 23, 2011
so happy together
Something bizarre happened. Three weeks ago I decided to stop taking my anti-depressants (Wellbutrin). No real reason other than I was just tired of taking them. I was actually in a really sad state and had doubled the dose a month before. It wasn't providing much relief so one night I just decided not to take a pill.
I kept waiting for the withdrawals to kick in, since I had such an awful experience with Lexapro. They never came. Instead what happened was little by little I started feeling like my old self again. Every day I felt a tad more normal like back in my pre-cancer days. I started singing and humming to myself, smiling and laughing more and appreciating my feelings.
This weekend was super, even though it was filled with the same stressers that were there three weeks ago. I woke up this morning, a Monday of all days, and sprang out of bed with a smile on my face. I'm not going to question where this good mood and energy come from, I'm just going to enjoy it.
(P.S. And an early Happy Birthday to me!)
I kept waiting for the withdrawals to kick in, since I had such an awful experience with Lexapro. They never came. Instead what happened was little by little I started feeling like my old self again. Every day I felt a tad more normal like back in my pre-cancer days. I started singing and humming to myself, smiling and laughing more and appreciating my feelings.
This weekend was super, even though it was filled with the same stressers that were there three weeks ago. I woke up this morning, a Monday of all days, and sprang out of bed with a smile on my face. I'm not going to question where this good mood and energy come from, I'm just going to enjoy it.
(P.S. And an early Happy Birthday to me!)
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Wednesday's Dream
I had it Monday night, actually but I'm still feeling it today. That's a powerful dream.
In the dream my mother was actively dying. It was a slow painful death that we all knew was coming. I was by her side every moment for months (which did not happen) and it was exhausting. In my dream I left my mother's side to run home and be with Matthew. I ran into his arms screaming that I could not survive if my mother died. I explained that my heart would stop beating with hers and there was no way I would make it without her. Matthew held me and assured me I would survive but I was certain I would die.
Waking up was bittersweet. The reality that my mother was indeed gone and that I am still alive was overwhelming. I am still alive six months later, something I dreamed was impossible.
Monday night was the final night of the bereavement group I have been attending. It was a six week session with six other individuals dealing with loss. It was educational and emotional. It also helped me heal. My grief and that of the fellow survivors was on my mind when I went to sleep that night, which I'm sure is behind the dream. I never thought I would make it a day but it's already been six months. Sad but hopeful.
This week I am alive and things are going well, or at least pretty good. I am ready to be happy and genuinely smile again.
Miss Cha had a dream recently where she married a boy named Josh. She made the announcement as soon as she woke up. She usually tells me her dreams in the car on the way to school.
She also cut her bangs in school two weeks ago. Here's what I stared at in the rear view mirror on the way home. She now sports a very uneven pixie cut. : (
In the dream my mother was actively dying. It was a slow painful death that we all knew was coming. I was by her side every moment for months (which did not happen) and it was exhausting. In my dream I left my mother's side to run home and be with Matthew. I ran into his arms screaming that I could not survive if my mother died. I explained that my heart would stop beating with hers and there was no way I would make it without her. Matthew held me and assured me I would survive but I was certain I would die.
Waking up was bittersweet. The reality that my mother was indeed gone and that I am still alive was overwhelming. I am still alive six months later, something I dreamed was impossible.
Monday night was the final night of the bereavement group I have been attending. It was a six week session with six other individuals dealing with loss. It was educational and emotional. It also helped me heal. My grief and that of the fellow survivors was on my mind when I went to sleep that night, which I'm sure is behind the dream. I never thought I would make it a day but it's already been six months. Sad but hopeful.
This week I am alive and things are going well, or at least pretty good. I am ready to be happy and genuinely smile again.
Miss Cha had a dream recently where she married a boy named Josh. She made the announcement as soon as she woke up. She usually tells me her dreams in the car on the way to school.
She also cut her bangs in school two weeks ago. Here's what I stared at in the rear view mirror on the way home. She now sports a very uneven pixie cut. : (
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Tears
I was sad when I woke up this morning. Not really sure why, I was just sad. I tried to will it away and have a good morning with my family of three. Cha and I snuggled on the couch watching one of our shows until Matt got up and joined us. I got off the couch and made breakfast for the three of us and then we sat down and ate while we talked about the day. So many things to do.
We drove out to the outlets to get new pants for Cha. She has picked up the habit of crawling on the floor for fun, and keeps putting holes in the knees of her pants. The entire drive I continued to feel sad. At one point I started talking to Matt about my Dad which led me to talk about my Mom. Then it hit me that today is the 22nd, four months to the day since my mother died. That explains it I guess.
When we got home I sat down to get caught up on email and my favorite blogs. That's when I learned the terribly sad news about Daria, a breast cancer sister who passed away early this morning. I've been following her journey over the years and prayed for her many times. I cried when I read the post from her husband about her passed. It all happened so fast. Just like my mother, one day she was there and then life was over. I guess it's better than the agony of slow and painful death.
The 22nd is just a sad day, no matter what month.
We drove out to the outlets to get new pants for Cha. She has picked up the habit of crawling on the floor for fun, and keeps putting holes in the knees of her pants. The entire drive I continued to feel sad. At one point I started talking to Matt about my Dad which led me to talk about my Mom. Then it hit me that today is the 22nd, four months to the day since my mother died. That explains it I guess.
When we got home I sat down to get caught up on email and my favorite blogs. That's when I learned the terribly sad news about Daria, a breast cancer sister who passed away early this morning. I've been following her journey over the years and prayed for her many times. I cried when I read the post from her husband about her passed. It all happened so fast. Just like my mother, one day she was there and then life was over. I guess it's better than the agony of slow and painful death.
The 22nd is just a sad day, no matter what month.
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