my year in review

It's New Years Eve and I am wide awake. I went to dinner with some girlfriends tonight and had a fabulous time chatting and laughing but ate entirely too much food. My belly is having words with me and they ain't pretty.

So, I'll do as so many other bloggers do and post a quick year in review and maybe a few goals for 2012. Hopefully by the end of this post I will have earned some forgiveness from my digestive system and will be able to peacefully drift off to sleep.

In a word 2011 was traumatic. There were plenty of good times but the shockingly bad times really took center stage. Several events kicked my ass and made me step back and take an extreme look at myself, my actions, my beliefs and my character. I found plenty that I didn't like but I also made myself face the good that I had been overlooking, and refusing to foster.

The best of 2011: a wedding, a zoo trip, a lost 21 lbs, a new puppy, a lost first tooth, a first day in first grade, a halloween party, a healthy spouse, hugs from my dad, laughter with cousins, kisses with a baby, rummikub, scary water rides, a surprise birthday party, a rain soaked camping trip, kind words from friends, a swim in the lake, a celebration of life, final words, new friends, old friends, life-long friends, a truthful exchange, new neighbors, a cabin in the woods, words with friends, a loving husband, a remarkable child.

I need to be better to myself, my husband and my child. I need to focus on my family of three and what benefits us the most. I need to speak up for myself in a kind and loving way and be more generous to the world.

In 2012 my goals are:

1. Try to remember it's quality not quantity, every time.
2. Be a vegetarian for 30 days.
3. Hit that gym 3 days a week (at least!)
4. Volunteer five hours a month.
5. Surround myself with good people.
6. Date night with the hubby twice a month (at least!)
7. Let it Go.

My motto for 2012:

Before you speak ask yourself if what you are going to say is true, is kind, is necessary, is helpful. If the answer is no, maybe what you are about to say should be left unsaid.
~ Bernard Meltzer

December Happiness

This month is about accentuating the positive. I've hit a few speed bumps lately and I am trying to let it all go and surround myself with good things and good people.

Matt and I spread a little Christmas cheer last weekend. It was selfless and random and gave both of us the warm and fuzzies. We need to do more of that year round.

Earlier this month Cha and I went Christmas caroling at a local senior center. It was precious beyond words and I had to stop several times to catch my breath. I was trying so hard not to cry that I couldn't breathe. One of the little girls who was singing with us kept watching my tears and asking what was wrong. I told her the singing was so beautiful it made me cry.

Matt and Cha went to the aquarium and had an amazing time. Matt wanted to take her to the Museum of Art but Cha said she wanted to touch a sting ray, so that's what they did. They also pet sharks, star fish and sea cucumbers. I had a Daisy meeting so I couldn't join them, but next time for sure.

A few weeks ago we attended the Phoenixville Firebird Festival. It's a must-see for anyone in the area. We started the night walking around town looking at all the crafts and street performers, had a tasty meal, sat for a quick chat with Santa then watched that bird burn. Fun night.

~ making ornaments at busy bees pottery ~

~ petting baby sharks at the camden aquarium ~

~ watching the phoenix go up in flames ~

~ gansta girls out on the town ~

~ dinner at mollys ~

~ a chat with an old friend ~

~ how is my baby girl so grown up? ~

As I write this it's nearly one in the morning and I am sitting next to the Christmas tree. I am mesmerized by it's patches of light. Several years ago we got a pre-lit tree. The kitties and the puppy have done a number on it and chewed up many of the wires and branches. This tree will have a very short life. It's still beautiful and gives off a spiritual glow.

Tomorrow we have a playdate with friends followed by a Christmas celebration with family. Christmas morning we will be waking up in our own house and watching Cha ooooh and ahhhh over her presents then spend the afternoon with more family.

There are many positives in my life and I am very blessed.

Four Years Today

I got the call four years ago. I spent the early part of the day waiting for the phone to ring. I had the biopsy on Monday December 1, 2007 and the doctor said he'd have the results in 3-7 days. Four years ago today made it a Thursday and day 4. I impatiently called Dr. K at noon to see if there was any word. I was told that he was seeing patients and would call me back shortly.

It was after hours when he called. I was sitting down in front of my computer chatting with some of the September Moms. He read the results and I stopped breathing when I heard the word carcinoma. I remember typing out to the Moms 'Yep, it's cancer' and then I signed off, while still on the phone with him.

Dr. K handled it very well. I have no problem with not being asked to come in and get the details in person. Over the phone worked best for me because I could break down in my own surroundings, which of course I did.

I was alone when I got the news and shortly after I hung up the phone there was a knock at the door. It was one of my neighbors who asked to use the phone. My face was wet with tears and I know I must have looked stunned. I blurted out 'I just found out I have cancer.' He gave me a hug and said he was sorry. Looking back I feel so bad for him. He just needed to use the phone for a quick minute (theirs had been turned off) and now he was standing next to an emotional volcano. Poor guy.

They say I'm pretty much in the clear after five years but tonight I'm going to treat myself to some ice cream.

Sharing

In December 2007 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was open with the details and shared them with anyone who was interested. In turn I heard from many friends, family and near strangers who had similar experiences. I learned much from those who shared their stories. It made a difficult time easier..

In pretty much all of 2008 (and beyond) I battled with anxiety and depression. I did not hide the fact but was too paralyzed with fear to speak much about it. I could not bring myself to share many of the details. I posted a link recently that sums it up perfectly tho I did not have the words to describe it when it was happening. However, what little I did share was met by a virtual crowd of people screaming 'been there, done that'. I had no idea depression and anxiety were that common.

In November 2009 my brother took his own life via self immolation. I shared the news with everyone. I was shocked to hear the whispers of people who had lost loved ones to suicide or who had made attempts in the past themselves. It happens more than you know. I went to support groups to share my experience and to listen to others who felt my pain. For me, talking was the best medicine.

In September 2010 I lost my mother. The time leading up to her death was incredibly painful. I knew it was happening yet I could not bring myself to talk about it. There were a few emails to close girlfriends about my fears and perhaps an extra cocktail or two when I really didn't want to think about the reality. I was not in denial I was just tired of putting myself out there, again. Quite frankly, the pain is exhausting.

What I have learned most since December 2007 is the importance of being open and sharing. Keeping things inside, whether they are feelings or secrets, is dangerous. After my brother killed himself a friend shared that her boyfriend took his own life 20 years ago, while they were together. She did not tell her family and kept the details of his death secret from his friends. Twenty years later she's still carrying the same pain.

Not too long ago I learned that someone I love was abused in a very horrendous way. I shared the pain with my girlfriends because I needed to talk about it. I could not keep it inside. The pain was too much. And as always, the story was met with a loud roar of 'it happened to me too'. Who knew I had my own little support group of women who were abused when they were girls.

I have not found one feeling or experience that I've had that hasn't been validated by another person. And that's kinda what it's about, the validation. If I have it alone I must be insanely crazy, on the verge of losing my mind. If others have it as well, knowing there's a connection helps things hurt a little bit less.

Some have accused me of over-sharing or giving way too much information. That may be true but the more I share the better I feel, and I know that my words have felt others feel better as well.

Happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving Hike along the Schuylkill River

Happy Thanksgiving!

that's messed up

So the mom I mentioned a few days ago, the one who died? Well, she's alive. I can't even imagine what prompted whomever to post an obituary for a living person. The paper has since taken it down but it was up long enough for many people in the community to take note. It was up long enough for damage to be done.

A friend was kind enough to tell me over the phone. She wanted to make sure I heard the news before I stepped outside my house one day and saw a dead person walking around. In my current state of grief and missing my own mother terribly, I'm not sure how I'd respond. And what about my child who was told that the woman passed away, like Grandma and Uncle Keith and Aunt Florence and Pap Pap and Cousin Bobby? Will she suddenly think that there's a chance that all dead people will come back to the land of the living? I refuse to think of what the woman's children are dealing with and what they are forced to handle. Too much pain.

Death is much easier to explain than the mental illness that leads a person to publicly announce a death that did not happen.

Giving Thanks (part two)

16. I am thankful for my many years of therapy. There were times when I felt like I wasn't quite right in the head and quite possibly the most messed up person on the planet. Thanks to my therapist(s) I learned that I'm actually rather normal and my brain is on straight. I know I have issues and maybe a character flaw or two that need to be worked on, but overall I'm pretty balanced. It's nice to have someone keep you in check.

17. I am thankful for the open road and endless possibilities. I love road trips and it's comforting knowing that family is only a drive away, even if I don't have anything scheduled.

18. I am thankful for snail mail. The USPS announced recently that rates will be increasing in 2012. A regular first class letter will now be $0.45. Some may gripe since it seems that rates go up every year, but I think it's fine. I think first class stamps should be $0.50 and the extra nickle be used to upgrade outdated equipment and streamline the whole process. Nothing beats getting a letter or card in the mail.

19. I am thankful for the pricey pre-lit Christmas tree we bought on clearance several years ago. I think it was 80% off so we paid less than $40. We set the tree up over the weekend and I love how easy it was to assemble, without having to mess with a tangled string of lights. I was a live-tree girl for many years but with a child and house full of pets, I got tired of the clean-up.

20. I am thankful for my DVR and before that a string of VCRs that allowed me to keep up to date on my soaps. I've been watching my soaps regularly for over 30 years. For the last fifteen years I've been able to follow daily by recording and getting caught up at night or on weekends. In January my most treasured soap (OLTL) will be going away. It may be just one less show for my DVR to record, but it's going to leave a big void. I'm not quite sure how I'll adjust.

21. I am thankful for Words with Friends for keeping me entertained in the middle of the night when Puppy is awake, needing to pee or has too much energy. It's also come in handy in the doctor's office, the grocery check out, and while dinner is cooking. I play with family, friends or random people. Some games take a week to finish and others are over in a day. If you play please challenge me to a game. Username: jonijenks

22. I am thankful for Cha's grandparents for taking her for sleepovers. Cha loves her Mimi and Pa and I am grateful that they are local and have built such a beautiful relationship with her. I cherish the time I spent with my grandmother and it's important to me that Cha has memories of her grandmother as well.

23. I am thankful for Travis, who found a litter of kittens in his front yard 11 years ago and brought them into the office to share. One of those kittens was my Evil Kitty who has been there for all the highs and lows during the last decade. She took many weekend trips to NYC with me while I tried to salvage my first marriage and sat in judgment when Matt first walked in my door. I knew he was a keeper when Evil (who basically dislikes all people) climbed up on Matt's lap and took a nap. She is one wise old (and grumpy) kitty and I am tremendously grateful to Travis for bringing her to me.

24. I am thankful for my washer and dryer. They have gotten quite a work out the last two months since we've brought puppy home. It feels like I am always washing bedding or towels. With the cold weather coming up, I imagine they'll be working harder than ever with not only our dirty, muddy clothes but also the towels to clean up after a muddy puppy who loves to dig.

25. I am thankful for the 40+ years that I had with my mother.

26. I am thankful for CNET and their honest reviews. We're looking at buying a tablet for the family for Christmas. We started out looking for a small video game for Cha but realized that a tablet offers much more (games, music, movies, tv, internet, etc.) for around the same price. I *think* Santa will be bring Cha (and mom and dad) an HTC Flyer for Christmas.

27. I am thankful for all the time and energy my father spends on the family calendars. He does several calendars a year for the different branches of my family tree. It's a huge task compiling and updating the data and picking just the right pictures but the calendars are always well received. He has already begun printing them out and I look forward to seeing next year's calendar girls/boys.

28. I am thankful for the luxury of having a roof over my head and food on my table. I know in the current economy those aren't items to take for granted.

29. I am thankful for my sister-in-law who gave us a bench and blanket earlier this year. The blanket says 'We may not have it all together but together we have it all.' Very true.

30. I am thankful that 2011 is nearing its end and that 2012 holds great hope and opportunity.