getting there

This has been my 2012.

I am really looking forward to 2013.  I'm excited to start a fresh new year.

just say no

Some days I just want to sit Cha down and explain in great detail why I feel that drugs are bad. I want to pull out pictures, videos, facts and figures and tell her personal stories of how drug use and abuse has ruined lives of people she knows and loves. And I want to tell her every single day to Just Say No. Not that I will have much control over it but I want that information in her databank so she can think about it when the time comes.

We had the drugs, alcohol and cigarettes conversation and she knows how her father and I feel about them. But sometimes I feel the need to Scared Straight her, before she even gets a chance to stray.

Yesterday I saw a girl who broke a little piece of my heart. She's a girl from my neighborhood, a casual acquaintance I met years ago. Back then she was a fresh faced babysitter who was flirting with the wrong crowd. Fast forward several months and she's living with someone who was arrested for manufacturing and distributing drugs. A few months later the two of them are physically fighting in front of my house. Then one day she's pregnant, they get evicted and are forced to find an even less desirable living arrangement.

I continued to see her around town, waiting tables and cashiering at several different places. She was a hard worker juggling two jobs and taking care of her child. I'd ask about her life and her baby and she always said things were good. I never asked about the boyfriend.

She was someone Cha knew. The girl babysat for her friends and they'd see each other on the playground. If I were to say the girl's name now I'm sure Cha would remember her.

Yesterday the girl was barely recognizable. My jaw seriously hit the floor when I realized who she was. She was a Faces of Meth poster come to life and it was disturbing. The hair was a mess, the face looked beaten up, she weighed less than a 100 lbs and she was wearing pajamas that were hanging off her. She was stumbling up to a customer service counter to purchase lottery tickets. I did not have the heart to stop and say hello. All I could do was stare and wish that Cha was standing next to me so I could point to the girl and show her what drugs can do to you.

And of course pray for the girl's mother.

Help!!!

We are having some um, 'behavior' issues at the moment. And they aren't the easy ones that can be managed with a three minute time out. My parenting philosophy has always been not to break her spirit, to respect her as a separate person and raise her to do unto others as you would have others do unto you. At this very moment I feel like that path is smacking me right in the face. I feel like a failure, like her independent nature, outspokeness and center-of-the-world-ness, as well as her inability to listen and follow directions are the direct result of me not being more stern and disciplined in the early days.

I am reluctant to call her a brat because she has a good heart and is capable of being kind, loving, and well-behaved but there are those moments, which seem to be lasting weeks on end, where she is intolerable. She is getting in trouble regularly at school. She cannot sit still or remain quiet, refusing to follow direction and she's hitting and kicking friends. She knows if she gets what amounts to a 'time out' at school she is punished at home. One time out equals no TV, two time outs and toys are taken away, three time outs and activities are cancelled. Today is a big day for her. If she comes home with another bad report we are canceling her horse riding lesson for next week. I really, really, really hate to do that because we are looking forward to it as much as she is, but something has to be done.

It's reached the point where I am thinking a professional needs to sit down and talk to her. Maybe they can find out if there's something deep down that is bothering her and causing this terrible behavior or if there's some magic trick for us to kick start her good-naturedness. I am at wits' end.

gottahava wawa (and a good cry)

I work from home on Fridays. I usually start the day by dropping off Cha at school (or the bus) and running to Wawa for coffee. Wawa is our local convenience store, similar to 7-11, Circle-K or am-pm and in my not so humble opinion, they have the best coffee on the planet. They are a mini town center, where you can meet and greet your neighbors and get caught up in what's going on in the 'hood. They are also just about the only place where I feel comfortable wearing PJs in public.

The store was especially crowded this morning, tho I couldn't tell you why. Three registers were open with the same three cashiers I see every week. The lotto machine was down and customers were joking with employees about how it got broken. I got third in line behind a guy who also had a cup of coffee in hand. A buddy of his tapped him on the shoulder and asked if he could cover a 24 oz cup. He said go ahead and the buddy went to the back of the store to get his coffee.

One of the assistant managers announced to us that another line was open with no waiting, but I didn't want to move, and neither did the guy ahead of me. When he got to the front of the line the cashier said hello and asked if he wanted cigarettes, his regular order. He said yes and thank you and then the cashier said she hadn't seen him in a while and asked where he'd been. He said his father just died, pancreatic cancer, he fought for 18 months. The guy was out for three weeks helping with the arrangements and spending time with his mom.

When his transaction was finished his buddy called out from behind me about his coffee. The guy said he forgot and asked the cashier to ring him up. She did and he turned to me and apologized. Behind my tears I told him no problem and that I was sorry about his dad and that I had just lost my mother too. He said thanks.

Nearly a year and a half later and the pain of losing my mother still feels 'just'. When the guy left the cashier said 'You may think you may be, but you're never ready to lose a parent.' All I could say is 'Cancer sucks'.

I'll be enjoying my coffee over a good cry.

Miss you mom.

my sleeping babies

Cha and Puppy had a rough start to the year. They both woke feeling a little less than 100%. Here's a picture of them napping on my floor mid-morning. They bounced back quickly and spent today chasing each other and having fun.

May 2012 be the best year ever.

my year in review

It's New Years Eve and I am wide awake. I went to dinner with some girlfriends tonight and had a fabulous time chatting and laughing but ate entirely too much food. My belly is having words with me and they ain't pretty.

So, I'll do as so many other bloggers do and post a quick year in review and maybe a few goals for 2012. Hopefully by the end of this post I will have earned some forgiveness from my digestive system and will be able to peacefully drift off to sleep.

In a word 2011 was traumatic. There were plenty of good times but the shockingly bad times really took center stage. Several events kicked my ass and made me step back and take an extreme look at myself, my actions, my beliefs and my character. I found plenty that I didn't like but I also made myself face the good that I had been overlooking, and refusing to foster.

The best of 2011: a wedding, a zoo trip, a lost 21 lbs, a new puppy, a lost first tooth, a first day in first grade, a halloween party, a healthy spouse, hugs from my dad, laughter with cousins, kisses with a baby, rummikub, scary water rides, a surprise birthday party, a rain soaked camping trip, kind words from friends, a swim in the lake, a celebration of life, final words, new friends, old friends, life-long friends, a truthful exchange, new neighbors, a cabin in the woods, words with friends, a loving husband, a remarkable child.

I need to be better to myself, my husband and my child. I need to focus on my family of three and what benefits us the most. I need to speak up for myself in a kind and loving way and be more generous to the world.

In 2012 my goals are:

1. Try to remember it's quality not quantity, every time.
2. Be a vegetarian for 30 days.
3. Hit that gym 3 days a week (at least!)
4. Volunteer five hours a month.
5. Surround myself with good people.
6. Date night with the hubby twice a month (at least!)
7. Let it Go.

My motto for 2012:

Before you speak ask yourself if what you are going to say is true, is kind, is necessary, is helpful. If the answer is no, maybe what you are about to say should be left unsaid.
~ Bernard Meltzer

December Happiness

This month is about accentuating the positive. I've hit a few speed bumps lately and I am trying to let it all go and surround myself with good things and good people.

Matt and I spread a little Christmas cheer last weekend. It was selfless and random and gave both of us the warm and fuzzies. We need to do more of that year round.

Earlier this month Cha and I went Christmas caroling at a local senior center. It was precious beyond words and I had to stop several times to catch my breath. I was trying so hard not to cry that I couldn't breathe. One of the little girls who was singing with us kept watching my tears and asking what was wrong. I told her the singing was so beautiful it made me cry.

Matt and Cha went to the aquarium and had an amazing time. Matt wanted to take her to the Museum of Art but Cha said she wanted to touch a sting ray, so that's what they did. They also pet sharks, star fish and sea cucumbers. I had a Daisy meeting so I couldn't join them, but next time for sure.

A few weeks ago we attended the Phoenixville Firebird Festival. It's a must-see for anyone in the area. We started the night walking around town looking at all the crafts and street performers, had a tasty meal, sat for a quick chat with Santa then watched that bird burn. Fun night.

~ making ornaments at busy bees pottery ~

~ petting baby sharks at the camden aquarium ~

~ watching the phoenix go up in flames ~

~ gansta girls out on the town ~

~ dinner at mollys ~

~ a chat with an old friend ~

~ how is my baby girl so grown up? ~

As I write this it's nearly one in the morning and I am sitting next to the Christmas tree. I am mesmerized by it's patches of light. Several years ago we got a pre-lit tree. The kitties and the puppy have done a number on it and chewed up many of the wires and branches. This tree will have a very short life. It's still beautiful and gives off a spiritual glow.

Tomorrow we have a playdate with friends followed by a Christmas celebration with family. Christmas morning we will be waking up in our own house and watching Cha ooooh and ahhhh over her presents then spend the afternoon with more family.

There are many positives in my life and I am very blessed.

Four Years Today

I got the call four years ago. I spent the early part of the day waiting for the phone to ring. I had the biopsy on Monday December 1, 2007 and the doctor said he'd have the results in 3-7 days. Four years ago today made it a Thursday and day 4. I impatiently called Dr. K at noon to see if there was any word. I was told that he was seeing patients and would call me back shortly.

It was after hours when he called. I was sitting down in front of my computer chatting with some of the September Moms. He read the results and I stopped breathing when I heard the word carcinoma. I remember typing out to the Moms 'Yep, it's cancer' and then I signed off, while still on the phone with him.

Dr. K handled it very well. I have no problem with not being asked to come in and get the details in person. Over the phone worked best for me because I could break down in my own surroundings, which of course I did.

I was alone when I got the news and shortly after I hung up the phone there was a knock at the door. It was one of my neighbors who asked to use the phone. My face was wet with tears and I know I must have looked stunned. I blurted out 'I just found out I have cancer.' He gave me a hug and said he was sorry. Looking back I feel so bad for him. He just needed to use the phone for a quick minute (theirs had been turned off) and now he was standing next to an emotional volcano. Poor guy.

They say I'm pretty much in the clear after five years but tonight I'm going to treat myself to some ice cream.

Sharing

In December 2007 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was open with the details and shared them with anyone who was interested. In turn I heard from many friends, family and near strangers who had similar experiences. I learned much from those who shared their stories. It made a difficult time easier..

In pretty much all of 2008 (and beyond) I battled with anxiety and depression. I did not hide the fact but was too paralyzed with fear to speak much about it. I could not bring myself to share many of the details. I posted a link recently that sums it up perfectly tho I did not have the words to describe it when it was happening. However, what little I did share was met by a virtual crowd of people screaming 'been there, done that'. I had no idea depression and anxiety were that common.

In November 2009 my brother took his own life via self immolation. I shared the news with everyone. I was shocked to hear the whispers of people who had lost loved ones to suicide or who had made attempts in the past themselves. It happens more than you know. I went to support groups to share my experience and to listen to others who felt my pain. For me, talking was the best medicine.

In September 2010 I lost my mother. The time leading up to her death was incredibly painful. I knew it was happening yet I could not bring myself to talk about it. There were a few emails to close girlfriends about my fears and perhaps an extra cocktail or two when I really didn't want to think about the reality. I was not in denial I was just tired of putting myself out there, again. Quite frankly, the pain is exhausting.

What I have learned most since December 2007 is the importance of being open and sharing. Keeping things inside, whether they are feelings or secrets, is dangerous. After my brother killed himself a friend shared that her boyfriend took his own life 20 years ago, while they were together. She did not tell her family and kept the details of his death secret from his friends. Twenty years later she's still carrying the same pain.

Not too long ago I learned that someone I love was abused in a very horrendous way. I shared the pain with my girlfriends because I needed to talk about it. I could not keep it inside. The pain was too much. And as always, the story was met with a loud roar of 'it happened to me too'. Who knew I had my own little support group of women who were abused when they were girls.

I have not found one feeling or experience that I've had that hasn't been validated by another person. And that's kinda what it's about, the validation. If I have it alone I must be insanely crazy, on the verge of losing my mind. If others have it as well, knowing there's a connection helps things hurt a little bit less.

Some have accused me of over-sharing or giving way too much information. That may be true but the more I share the better I feel, and I know that my words have felt others feel better as well.

Depression

Yes, the link is on my blogshelf but this post deserves a little more respect than that.

So when someone asks 'What's it like?', just point them here....

Adventures in Depression

gonna need a big balloon

I started working on a letter to my mom. Next Thursday is the first anniversary of her death and I plan on attaching the letter to a balloon and releasing it to the sky. There are many things Ive been wanting to say and I hope the letter will give me a bit of peace.

The location of the release is a bit surprising. It makes sense to do it in a place where I feel close to her. My parents lived at least 1,000 miles away for over half my life. We were never physically close but we spoke and visited quite often.

One special visit was just two years ago when my parents came out to PA. They stayed in a hotel up the road from us and one of my favorite pictures of my mother is a shot in front of that hotel. Cha and I were waiting in the hotel for their arrival and my little girl was so excited when she first saw their car, then her Grandma and then her Grandpa. It was emotional for me to stand back and watch her embrace her grandparents.

We drive by that hotel nearly every day and Cha calls it 'Grandma's house'. I feel close to her when I see it and a piece of me believes that a piece of her lives on in that hotel.

Now to find a balloon big enough to carry the load.

Simply Stated

'Yep, it's cancer.'

'She didn't make it.'

'They found Jay.'

Three little sentences that sit heavily on my heart.

happy monday

a giraffe

There are many thoughts and feelings zooming around my head and body and I don't have the energy to put them all together so they make sense. I am betrayed, hurt, angry, sad, lonely, and hopeful. I have a therapy appointment today to help me put all those feelings in their proper place.

Yesterday was a good day. I picked up Cha after work and she, Matt and I went out to dinner, which is a rare thing in our household. After dinner we went to one of my favorite places, the public library. I picked up a dozen or so books for Cha and we read six of them last night before bed. She read a few of the easy readers and was almost as proud as I was. She's doing so well and tries so hard. For the past several years she would break down in tears over the fact that she couldn't read or write. I'm so happy for her that she's getting it and that it's making her happy as well.

Her favorite book of the night was also one of my favorites, A Giraffe and a Half. I remember reading it as a kid and it always made me smile. I am truly blessed with this gift called motherhood which allows me to share this book with this precious little girl, especially given the current turmoil in my life.

Hopeful.

quote of the day

Received from a friend. I've seen it many times before but it felt right today.

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'

Women are Angels. And when someone breaks our wings,we simply continue to fly...usually on a broomstick. We are flexible like that.

today is rage

Today I am filled with rage. Yesterday it was pain and concern and the day before it was shock and disgust.

A man hurts a precious, innocent child...wait, scratch that....a man hurts precious, innocent children leaving them hurt and living in fear.

That man must pay, and it must be as painful and full of fear as the hurt he inflicted. He deserves the wrath of a thousand angry mothers and the beat down of a thousand angry fathers.

In the meantime, the children must be surrounded with love and kindness. They must grow to learn that they are blameless and that the world is a good place. It is filled with warm and caring people. They must learn that they are not powerless and that they are respected and treasured and one day very soon I will hug them with everything I've got.

for lynn

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting throught the wind
Wanting to start again

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that there's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road

Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe-awe-awe"


Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe-awe-awe

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon