hey kid

i am sad thinking about you.  i wish i could do something to pick you up out of this nightmare and give you a better life. a life where you love yourself and you feel confident that people love and care about you.  and protect you.  especially protect you.

but i am just a person and i cannot do all that i want to do.   i wish i had an endless supply of patience, money, time, and strength but i don't.  i have love but that has been proven not to be enough. i wish it were.

i think about you often and pray for your future.  please reach out to me.

April 21

Dear Mom,

Happy 70th Birthday.  This is the second birthday since you have passed and I'm just going to continue counting.   Had you still been here with us I wonder what we would have done to celebrate your big day.   I wonder where you'd be living and how healthy you would be.   I wonder if your children would still be talking to each other or your grandchildren for that matter.  And I wonder if you're spending today with your birthday buddy Aunt Florence, as you always do.   Tell her happy birthday from Cha and I and give her a hug on her first birthday in heaven.

Seven years ago when Matt and I were getting married and I picked your birthday as our anniversary I had no idea how emotional this day could be.   I hadn't thought out what would happen with our anniversary after you had passed, and how there would forever be a twinge of sadness.   My first thought this morning was not 'Happy Anniversary to my darling husband' it was 'It's Mom's birthday.'   We will be having fun and enjoying the day to honor both special occasions but if I could turn back time I'd make sure that each received their own day.

I miss you terribly and still think of you every day.   I have your wedding ring on a chain and on days when we have something fun scheduled I wear you around my neck so you can join us.   I don't have to take pictures of your granddaughter and send them to you, because you are there watching every moment.  

A funny story - I keep your urn on my bookcase, right next to Brother Keith.  A while back Cha and I turned the music up and were dancing from her room to ours.  She was really bouncing and when I looked up at the bookcase Keith's urn was rocking back and forth. What a dancing fool.  I took a video of it and really should post it because it was funny. 

This weekend we are planting flowers, going to brunch, stopping by a book reading and attending the Dogwood Pageant.  And missing you.   Tonight we're baking a little cake in your honor.

I love you and miss you and am grateful for the life you gave me.   

Stop Mom!!

This is life with a six year old girl.

Cha and I were crossing the street recently and she screams Stop Mom! I look down and she tells me: The yellow is hot lava. Don't step on it.

She has a very active imagination and the girl is always thinking (and talking and singing and moving).

It's a joy to experience but it's also exhausting.

Love her bunches.

thank you stuart smalley

So I mentioned that Cha was being one very difficult child not too long ago. She was getting several 'stop and think' signs at school every week and has been overall quite challenging. We tried taking away TV, games, books, riding lessons, girl scout meetings, desserts, etc. and nothing seemed to work. We talked to her about behaving and being a polite, respectful girl but she would respond that she was a bad kid.

Matt was calling her every morning to say hello and talk about the day. He'd tell her to have fun and mention something neat they'd be doing after school and say he'd meet her at the bus. Just positive chit chat. It was good but she was still getting in trouble. On the days when she got a 'stop and think' she'd be practically crying as she got off the bus, as she knew she'd have to tell her dad. One day she left her folder on the bus because she didn't want us to see the bad mark. She lied and told us her teacher didn't give homework so they didn't need to bring their folders home. It took me ten minutes to figure out what happened. We'd talk to her and she would groan that she didn't know how to be good, because she was a bad kid.

We knew we had to break her of that thinking so we pulled a Stuart Smalley on her. Every morning she and I do a little positive affirmation. The first week I tried she was very angry and would turn everything around. I'd ask her to say 'I'm a very good kid.' and she's say she was a bad kid. She's now playing along and enjoying it and I have to say it has made a huge different. She went from 3 time outs a week to none. Woo hoo!!

This is what she says every morning on the drive to school.

My name is Cha
I am smart
I am funny
I am pretty
I know how to behave
I get along well with my friends
People like me
I am going to have a great day!

We'll mix it up and sometimes I will throw in things like 'Tonight we're doing to ice cream after dinner' or 'I am going to the park with K when I get home.' She loves the surprises and I love how she's happy and smiling when she gets out of the car.

So, thank you Stuart Smalley.

Happy Birthday George!

We made several visits to Valley Forge National Park this weekend to celebrate President's Day. They hosted a birthday party for George Washington complete with artillery demonstration (those canons are LOUD), reenactors, crafts for the kids, lots of music and cake for the big guy himself.

The weather was perfect and we had a fabulous time. I love being surrounded by so much history.

friday!

Tonight is Friday and fun will be had. We're picking up the tastiest veggie stromboli ever from Giovannis , dropping Cha off at the Y, and then heading out for movie night. The house will be guarded by the two animals above. I am confident that anyone trying to sneak in will be immediately weakened by their cuteness.

Thank you for Friday!

just say no

Some days I just want to sit Cha down and explain in great detail why I feel that drugs are bad. I want to pull out pictures, videos, facts and figures and tell her personal stories of how drug use and abuse has ruined lives of people she knows and loves. And I want to tell her every single day to Just Say No. Not that I will have much control over it but I want that information in her databank so she can think about it when the time comes.

We had the drugs, alcohol and cigarettes conversation and she knows how her father and I feel about them. But sometimes I feel the need to Scared Straight her, before she even gets a chance to stray.

Yesterday I saw a girl who broke a little piece of my heart. She's a girl from my neighborhood, a casual acquaintance I met years ago. Back then she was a fresh faced babysitter who was flirting with the wrong crowd. Fast forward several months and she's living with someone who was arrested for manufacturing and distributing drugs. A few months later the two of them are physically fighting in front of my house. Then one day she's pregnant, they get evicted and are forced to find an even less desirable living arrangement.

I continued to see her around town, waiting tables and cashiering at several different places. She was a hard worker juggling two jobs and taking care of her child. I'd ask about her life and her baby and she always said things were good. I never asked about the boyfriend.

She was someone Cha knew. The girl babysat for her friends and they'd see each other on the playground. If I were to say the girl's name now I'm sure Cha would remember her.

Yesterday the girl was barely recognizable. My jaw seriously hit the floor when I realized who she was. She was a Faces of Meth poster come to life and it was disturbing. The hair was a mess, the face looked beaten up, she weighed less than a 100 lbs and she was wearing pajamas that were hanging off her. She was stumbling up to a customer service counter to purchase lottery tickets. I did not have the heart to stop and say hello. All I could do was stare and wish that Cha was standing next to me so I could point to the girl and show her what drugs can do to you.

And of course pray for the girl's mother.