I got a call from my doctor's office just a few hours after I called them. She looked at the ultrasound and said everything was fine. The spots I had noticed must have been my paranoia and negative thinking. I am still waiting for the PAP results but I'm feeling much more positive about them now.
I'm curious tho, if I weren't a cancer survivor would they have called me back so quickly? This office has never been so quick to respond. Maybe they know how terrible the wait is for someone in my shoes.
Monday, March 31, 2008
It takes a while
I thought I was doing good but it turns out I'm still a bit of a mess. This healing thing is taking longer than I thought. The emotional part hits me when I least expect it.
It's all the little things that add up. For instance, the unnecessary breast exam last week seemed silly but now it bothers me. It's only been two months since the surgery, don't you think doctors should be a little more sensitive? Give me a bit of courtesy.
This morning I had the ultrasound and it was upsetting. When I signed in the woman at the diagnostic center asked me if I have had my first mammogram yet. I said yes. It made me wonder how many times in my life I'd have to be reminded of it.
The ultrasound tech was the last straw. She asked why I was there and I told her the details. I just needed her to do an internal ultrasound but she insisted on trying to get the image thru my abdomen. I knew it wasn't going to happen because there is too much scar tissue and that whole golf ball thing to deal with.
When she looked at my scar she commented that it looked bad. (I am so reluctant to call it a scar since it hasn't really healed yet. It's still an incision that's healing, but it's easier to just say 'scar'.) I told her that it's actually much better than it has been and I am pleased with how it looks. She got frustrated trying to find an image and kept remarking that the scar was concerning. She left the room for a while and when she came back she said she was going to just try it internally (like I first suggested).
As I was laying there she said she'd never seen a scar so bad and pointed out that she had seem plenty of them. She asked when I last saw my doctor and I told him it was only three days ago and that he was pleased with the healing. She suggested that I get a second opinion. Um, excuse me lady but you are no doctor. You are merely a tech and you have no idea what you're dealing with. Actually, I don't believe you are technically allowed to make any comments about anything so please shut your mouth. How dare she put me in the position to be defensive or worse, paranoid about the care I have been receiving.
She left the room again and I sat there with the screen in front of me. I read the different images and noticed several spots that she had marked and measured. Now, I've seen many ultrasound pictures in the last five years and I got a bit spooked at what I saw. Maybe it was just the paranoia that the tech was pushing on me, and maybe they were just innocent spots of nothing but after what I've experienced the past four months I'm not placing any bets. Ignorance is bliss but it's also dangerous.
I know the tech couldn't tell me anything about what she saw but I made sure to call my doctor's office as soon as I got to the car. I left a message that I just had the ultrasound and was anxious for the results and asked her to call me on my cell as soon as she looks at them.
On a much needed positive note, the blood work from last Friday came back all clear. Not even a slightly elevated sugar level. I needed to hear that.
It's all the little things that add up. For instance, the unnecessary breast exam last week seemed silly but now it bothers me. It's only been two months since the surgery, don't you think doctors should be a little more sensitive? Give me a bit of courtesy.
This morning I had the ultrasound and it was upsetting. When I signed in the woman at the diagnostic center asked me if I have had my first mammogram yet. I said yes. It made me wonder how many times in my life I'd have to be reminded of it.
The ultrasound tech was the last straw. She asked why I was there and I told her the details. I just needed her to do an internal ultrasound but she insisted on trying to get the image thru my abdomen. I knew it wasn't going to happen because there is too much scar tissue and that whole golf ball thing to deal with.
When she looked at my scar she commented that it looked bad. (I am so reluctant to call it a scar since it hasn't really healed yet. It's still an incision that's healing, but it's easier to just say 'scar'.) I told her that it's actually much better than it has been and I am pleased with how it looks. She got frustrated trying to find an image and kept remarking that the scar was concerning. She left the room for a while and when she came back she said she was going to just try it internally (like I first suggested).
As I was laying there she said she'd never seen a scar so bad and pointed out that she had seem plenty of them. She asked when I last saw my doctor and I told him it was only three days ago and that he was pleased with the healing. She suggested that I get a second opinion. Um, excuse me lady but you are no doctor. You are merely a tech and you have no idea what you're dealing with. Actually, I don't believe you are technically allowed to make any comments about anything so please shut your mouth. How dare she put me in the position to be defensive or worse, paranoid about the care I have been receiving.
She left the room again and I sat there with the screen in front of me. I read the different images and noticed several spots that she had marked and measured. Now, I've seen many ultrasound pictures in the last five years and I got a bit spooked at what I saw. Maybe it was just the paranoia that the tech was pushing on me, and maybe they were just innocent spots of nothing but after what I've experienced the past four months I'm not placing any bets. Ignorance is bliss but it's also dangerous.
I know the tech couldn't tell me anything about what she saw but I made sure to call my doctor's office as soon as I got to the car. I left a message that I just had the ultrasound and was anxious for the results and asked her to call me on my cell as soon as she looks at them.
On a much needed positive note, the blood work from last Friday came back all clear. Not even a slightly elevated sugar level. I needed to hear that.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Friday, March 28, 2008
Doctor appointments - 1 good and 1 bad
I had two doctor appointments today. I met with Dr. S in the morning and was very happy with my visit. He said everything looks great and is actually shocked at how well I'm doing. He said that after my initial infection he didn't think I'd be back to normal for 4 months. He said I was an extreme case and attributed my quick recovery to how active I am.
We talked a bit about nipple reconstruction and I mentioned that I was thinking of just going with a tattoo. He pretty much told me no. I am afraid of getting the headlights permanently on look and he assured me that he can make them very subtle and guaranteed that I'd be happy with the results. He's been good to me so far so I'll do as he says.
I still have a significant amount of hardness in both my breasts and my tummy. I have what looks like a golf ball in my lower abdomen that isn't going away. When my breasts soften up a bit more I'll go back in for the stage 2 operation where Dr. S will move things around and make them pretty. He'll also lipo that golf ball so it will be nice and flat. That will probably be in July. Six weeks later I'll go in and he'll create the nipples, followed by the tattoo in another month and a half. My body should be fully re-sculptured and healed by Thanksgiving which will make it one year since the bad mammogram.
It was a fantastic appointment and I am really looking forward to putting it all behind me. I thanked Dr. S a dozen times today. I am so grateful for his genius.
My second appt of the day wasn't quite as successful. I had my annual checkup with my GYN. Ugh! It started off on an awkward note when the nurse was taking my bp and casually asked if I'd had my first mammogram yet, now that I'm 40. I took a breath and had to explain my situation. She got a bit defensive and asked who ordered my mammogram and why the GYN office wasn't informed. I told her my primary doctor ordered it and received all the results.
Then I was placed in the examination room where I was instructed to disrobe. The CRNP came in and asked for more information about the breast cancer so I filled her in on all the details. She wrote it all down in my chart. I was amazed that my chart was at least 4 inches thick. I guess that's what happens after you have 3 pregnancies, 2 losses and a miracle. There was a sticker of a heart with a bandaid on the front of my file. I asked the nurse about it and she said it informed the staff that the patient lost a child and to be sensitive with words and actions. I thought that was kinda sweet.
Anyway, the nurse proceeded to do a breast exam which I thought was silly. She admitted that there was no reason for her to do it but it didn't hurt anything so oh well. I felt a little weird showing my scars to someone new but again, oh well.
She tried to do an internal but felt uncomfortable pushing down on my stomach so she wrote me a script for a pelvic ultrasound. She also informed me that since I am now 40 I'll be getting annual rectal exams. Yippee! The joys of getting older.
On my way home from the GYN I stopped by my primary doctor's office for a quick blood test. Keep your fingers crossed that everything looks fine and my potassium and glucose levels are normal.
I also called to make an appt for the ultrasound and the scheduling person gave me a hard time because the CRNP didn't note a procedure code. The script stated 'unable to assess abdomen due to recent surgery' and there's no official code for that. I called the GYN office looking for the code and they told me to just list 'body habitus' which should be self explanatory. I made the mistake of googling 'body habitus' and winced as all the results mentioned obesity. I'm not obese!
My appt is scheduled for Monday morning. The results better be normal, let me tell you. I know I can handle bad news, I just don't want to.
Tonight I'm picking up Val and heading over to Kel's for a chick bonding session with chili, cosmos and karaoke. The working moms will be there to celebrate Val and Kel's birthdays as well as Carrie's benign biopsy results. Tomorrow morning Cha and I are driving down to DC to spend the weekend with my parents.
It's a good life.
We talked a bit about nipple reconstruction and I mentioned that I was thinking of just going with a tattoo. He pretty much told me no. I am afraid of getting the headlights permanently on look and he assured me that he can make them very subtle and guaranteed that I'd be happy with the results. He's been good to me so far so I'll do as he says.
I still have a significant amount of hardness in both my breasts and my tummy. I have what looks like a golf ball in my lower abdomen that isn't going away. When my breasts soften up a bit more I'll go back in for the stage 2 operation where Dr. S will move things around and make them pretty. He'll also lipo that golf ball so it will be nice and flat. That will probably be in July. Six weeks later I'll go in and he'll create the nipples, followed by the tattoo in another month and a half. My body should be fully re-sculptured and healed by Thanksgiving which will make it one year since the bad mammogram.
It was a fantastic appointment and I am really looking forward to putting it all behind me. I thanked Dr. S a dozen times today. I am so grateful for his genius.
My second appt of the day wasn't quite as successful. I had my annual checkup with my GYN. Ugh! It started off on an awkward note when the nurse was taking my bp and casually asked if I'd had my first mammogram yet, now that I'm 40. I took a breath and had to explain my situation. She got a bit defensive and asked who ordered my mammogram and why the GYN office wasn't informed. I told her my primary doctor ordered it and received all the results.
Then I was placed in the examination room where I was instructed to disrobe. The CRNP came in and asked for more information about the breast cancer so I filled her in on all the details. She wrote it all down in my chart. I was amazed that my chart was at least 4 inches thick. I guess that's what happens after you have 3 pregnancies, 2 losses and a miracle. There was a sticker of a heart with a bandaid on the front of my file. I asked the nurse about it and she said it informed the staff that the patient lost a child and to be sensitive with words and actions. I thought that was kinda sweet.
Anyway, the nurse proceeded to do a breast exam which I thought was silly. She admitted that there was no reason for her to do it but it didn't hurt anything so oh well. I felt a little weird showing my scars to someone new but again, oh well.
She tried to do an internal but felt uncomfortable pushing down on my stomach so she wrote me a script for a pelvic ultrasound. She also informed me that since I am now 40 I'll be getting annual rectal exams. Yippee! The joys of getting older.
On my way home from the GYN I stopped by my primary doctor's office for a quick blood test. Keep your fingers crossed that everything looks fine and my potassium and glucose levels are normal.
I also called to make an appt for the ultrasound and the scheduling person gave me a hard time because the CRNP didn't note a procedure code. The script stated 'unable to assess abdomen due to recent surgery' and there's no official code for that. I called the GYN office looking for the code and they told me to just list 'body habitus' which should be self explanatory. I made the mistake of googling 'body habitus' and winced as all the results mentioned obesity. I'm not obese!
My appt is scheduled for Monday morning. The results better be normal, let me tell you. I know I can handle bad news, I just don't want to.
Tonight I'm picking up Val and heading over to Kel's for a chick bonding session with chili, cosmos and karaoke. The working moms will be there to celebrate Val and Kel's birthdays as well as Carrie's benign biopsy results. Tomorrow morning Cha and I are driving down to DC to spend the weekend with my parents.
It's a good life.
'They used it'
The kitties are obviously upset with me for going back to work. This is the mess I woke up to this morning.
Matt left the bag of litter just outside the basement door. That's the last time he'll do that. Matt and I both gasped when we first saw it: 'OMG, they used it.'
What a wonderful way to start your morning.
Here are a couple of redeeming pictures:
Pete and Olivia
Matt left the bag of litter just outside the basement door. That's the last time he'll do that. Matt and I both gasped when we first saw it: 'OMG, they used it.'
What a wonderful way to start your morning.
Here are a couple of redeeming pictures:
Pete and Olivia
Evil Kitty and her new toy
Thursday, March 27, 2008
just a little hurt
I'm not sure which hurts more, the fact that people in the company were talking about the chance that I wouldn't come back and angling for my job, or the person who thought it was important to tell me about it.
I will not get sucked into petty office politics but it still stings that there are people out there who weren't wishing me well.
I will not get sucked into petty office politics but it still stings that there are people out there who weren't wishing me well.
gottahava wawa
I broke down on the way to work this morning and stopped by the Wawa for some coffee. It put me a half hour off schedule but I needed the boost.
Last night Cha and I went to the park after work. She ran me ragged going up and down the three story slide with her. (No kidding, it's 3 stories take a look at this picture....)
The weather was nice and we ran all over that playground. I carried her up those steps several times. At around 7:00 she started getting crabby telling me that she was hungry and wanted to go home. She had dinner before we left so I suspected that she was just tired. I know I was!
When we got home my body hurt. Way too much moving and shaking. I gave Cha some milk and Matt got her ready for bed. She was zonked out by 8:00. I couldn't sleep however. My incisions were throbbing and the muscles in my stomach felt like I just finished 100 sit ups. I decided to relax on the couch and hope things mellowed.
At 9:45 I gave up and took a dilaudid. I haven't taken any pain meds in weeks but I really needed one last night. I didn't manage to fall asleep until almost 11:00 and the fact that Cha woke up at 5:30 this morning told me that I definitely needed a Wawa run this morning.
It's so good! I just hope it wakes me up soon.
Last night Cha and I went to the park after work. She ran me ragged going up and down the three story slide with her. (No kidding, it's 3 stories take a look at this picture....)
The weather was nice and we ran all over that playground. I carried her up those steps several times. At around 7:00 she started getting crabby telling me that she was hungry and wanted to go home. She had dinner before we left so I suspected that she was just tired. I know I was!When we got home my body hurt. Way too much moving and shaking. I gave Cha some milk and Matt got her ready for bed. She was zonked out by 8:00. I couldn't sleep however. My incisions were throbbing and the muscles in my stomach felt like I just finished 100 sit ups. I decided to relax on the couch and hope things mellowed.
At 9:45 I gave up and took a dilaudid. I haven't taken any pain meds in weeks but I really needed one last night. I didn't manage to fall asleep until almost 11:00 and the fact that Cha woke up at 5:30 this morning told me that I definitely needed a Wawa run this morning.
It's so good! I just hope it wakes me up soon.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Back to Work
Today was my second day back to work and I'm feeling great. Yesterday wasn't nearly as tiring as I had feared. Being back to work and being productive actually gave me a nice boost of energy. I love my co-workers and my job. That makes me one of the few, I think.
Today I had lunch in the breakroom with the guys. They filled me in on all the fun I missed while I was out and I laughed so hard I was crying. Our building maintenance engineer Paul, who lost his grandson Frankie to cancer last year, joined in on the fun. Months ago Ralph met him for lunch in his office and Paul mentioned that his phone rings off the hook but it's always the wrong number. Ralph took advantage and proceeded to answer a few of the calls, which just happened to be bill collectors. Without missing a step Ralph pulled out the worst impression of a woman I've ever heard and managed to piss off all the collectors. Being the genius that he is, he recorded the calls on his cell phone to share with the rest of us. Masterful, let me tell you!
Cha picked up the old schedule like a champ. Monday morning she was up at 6:00 am and this morning she started crying at 5:45. We were out the door by 6:45 both days which put me at my desk on or before 7:30. Knock wood that the trend continues.
She's not loving being the first kid at daycare however. She got used to showing up when all her friends were already there. This morning she walked in the door and yelled 'Where is everyone?' Thankfully most of her friends show up at 7:30 so she's only got a half hour of playing with the toys by herself.
I was exhausted when I got home last night and had a hard time putting Cha to bed. She was a bundle of energy and didn't settle down til after 9:00. Tonight she went down easy at 8:00. Life is good.
Oh, I think my laptop got stolen outside of daycare this afternoon. I am pretty positive I put it in my bag and put it in the car. I can visualize carrying it down the elevator and putting it in the front seat of my car. When I parked outside of the school building I draped my coat over it when I went inside. I parked in a spot two cars down from the playground where the kids were playing and I'd be shocked if someone was quick enough to take it then. I keep trying to convince myself that I never took it off my desk, but I am certain I saw it when I put my coat over the bag. I guess I'll find out tomorrow morning when I get to my desk. Gulp.
Today I had lunch in the breakroom with the guys. They filled me in on all the fun I missed while I was out and I laughed so hard I was crying. Our building maintenance engineer Paul, who lost his grandson Frankie to cancer last year, joined in on the fun. Months ago Ralph met him for lunch in his office and Paul mentioned that his phone rings off the hook but it's always the wrong number. Ralph took advantage and proceeded to answer a few of the calls, which just happened to be bill collectors. Without missing a step Ralph pulled out the worst impression of a woman I've ever heard and managed to piss off all the collectors. Being the genius that he is, he recorded the calls on his cell phone to share with the rest of us. Masterful, let me tell you!
Cha picked up the old schedule like a champ. Monday morning she was up at 6:00 am and this morning she started crying at 5:45. We were out the door by 6:45 both days which put me at my desk on or before 7:30. Knock wood that the trend continues.
She's not loving being the first kid at daycare however. She got used to showing up when all her friends were already there. This morning she walked in the door and yelled 'Where is everyone?' Thankfully most of her friends show up at 7:30 so she's only got a half hour of playing with the toys by herself.
I was exhausted when I got home last night and had a hard time putting Cha to bed. She was a bundle of energy and didn't settle down til after 9:00. Tonight she went down easy at 8:00. Life is good.
Oh, I think my laptop got stolen outside of daycare this afternoon. I am pretty positive I put it in my bag and put it in the car. I can visualize carrying it down the elevator and putting it in the front seat of my car. When I parked outside of the school building I draped my coat over it when I went inside. I parked in a spot two cars down from the playground where the kids were playing and I'd be shocked if someone was quick enough to take it then. I keep trying to convince myself that I never took it off my desk, but I am certain I saw it when I put my coat over the bag. I guess I'll find out tomorrow morning when I get to my desk. Gulp.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
The sad goodbyes
I go back to work bright and early tomorrow morning and felt it necessary to say a few sad goodbyes.
Goodbye to my precious 12 oz Wawa coffee - 1/2 mocha steamer, 1/2 regular brew to be exact. It took me 40 years to appreciate a good cup of coffee in the morning and it will be sad to give it up. How I wish there was a Wawa on the way to daycare, or better yet a drive-thru Wawa. Ah Heaven!
Goodbye to my morning paper. As much as I love catching fast breaking news on Drudge, nothing will ever beat reading the local paper front to back in the morning. I bought a paper every day on the way home from daycare, at the Wawa where I picked up that dreamy hot cup of java. Some days I would come right home and sit by the window and sip and read. Other days I'd stop off at Panera bread and nibble on a bagel. Which brings me to my next goodbye.
Goodbye to my 3 day a week toasted banana-pecan bagel with plain cream cheese that I would slowly savior during my 1.5 hour stay at Paneras. Goodbye to the cashier who reminded me so much of Cha's teacher who was always nice to everyone but put on way too much make up for an early morning job (the cashier, not Cha's teacher).
Goodbye to not struggling with Cha to get dressed every morning. I know I should have tried harder to keep her on her schedule and I'll be paying for it when I try to wake her up tomorrow at 6:00, but it was nice getting that extra half hour or hour sleep every morning. And it was nice not constantly telling her that we were running late and had to hurry and eat breakfast in the car.
Goodbye to Maya and Miguel which shows at 7:00 am on weekdays on PBS. That turned into our favorite show and Cha and I would sing the theme song together on the way to school. ('Maya, and Miguel! Brother and Sister and best friends as well!')
Goodbye to my wacky neighbors. I learned more about them these last two months that I ever wanted to. The recliner that I slept in that first month is directly across from the living room window. All I had to do was raise the blinds and watch the show. They're probably all glad I'm going back to work too.
Goodbye to laundry getting done slowly but surely. I realize now that I'll be working all day I'll be struggling to get my laundry (and dishes, and shopping, etc.) done after work. It's going to take some time to get back into the habit of being a working mom. I've kept it in my heart all this time, but now I've got to get back to multi-tasking and keeping the balls in the air.
Goodbye to the quality time spent with my four kitties. I don't know how the house is going to survive being left alone with those fe-lions. The kittens are going to tear something apart that first week, I just know it. Despite all the broken glass, spilled food, scratched carpets and furniture, those kitties earned their keep during my leave. They snuggled up countless nights when I was unable to sleep and helped calm me down. I will miss our naps.
This ten week period hasn't been a vacation by any stretch but it certainly has been a much needed change of pace. I hope I am able to keep holding on to the important stuff.
Goodbye to my precious 12 oz Wawa coffee - 1/2 mocha steamer, 1/2 regular brew to be exact. It took me 40 years to appreciate a good cup of coffee in the morning and it will be sad to give it up. How I wish there was a Wawa on the way to daycare, or better yet a drive-thru Wawa. Ah Heaven!
Goodbye to my morning paper. As much as I love catching fast breaking news on Drudge, nothing will ever beat reading the local paper front to back in the morning. I bought a paper every day on the way home from daycare, at the Wawa where I picked up that dreamy hot cup of java. Some days I would come right home and sit by the window and sip and read. Other days I'd stop off at Panera bread and nibble on a bagel. Which brings me to my next goodbye.
Goodbye to my 3 day a week toasted banana-pecan bagel with plain cream cheese that I would slowly savior during my 1.5 hour stay at Paneras. Goodbye to the cashier who reminded me so much of Cha's teacher who was always nice to everyone but put on way too much make up for an early morning job (the cashier, not Cha's teacher).
Goodbye to not struggling with Cha to get dressed every morning. I know I should have tried harder to keep her on her schedule and I'll be paying for it when I try to wake her up tomorrow at 6:00, but it was nice getting that extra half hour or hour sleep every morning. And it was nice not constantly telling her that we were running late and had to hurry and eat breakfast in the car.
Goodbye to Maya and Miguel which shows at 7:00 am on weekdays on PBS. That turned into our favorite show and Cha and I would sing the theme song together on the way to school. ('Maya, and Miguel! Brother and Sister and best friends as well!')
Goodbye to my wacky neighbors. I learned more about them these last two months that I ever wanted to. The recliner that I slept in that first month is directly across from the living room window. All I had to do was raise the blinds and watch the show. They're probably all glad I'm going back to work too.
Goodbye to laundry getting done slowly but surely. I realize now that I'll be working all day I'll be struggling to get my laundry (and dishes, and shopping, etc.) done after work. It's going to take some time to get back into the habit of being a working mom. I've kept it in my heart all this time, but now I've got to get back to multi-tasking and keeping the balls in the air.
Goodbye to the quality time spent with my four kitties. I don't know how the house is going to survive being left alone with those fe-lions. The kittens are going to tear something apart that first week, I just know it. Despite all the broken glass, spilled food, scratched carpets and furniture, those kitties earned their keep during my leave. They snuggled up countless nights when I was unable to sleep and helped calm me down. I will miss our naps.
This ten week period hasn't been a vacation by any stretch but it certainly has been a much needed change of pace. I hope I am able to keep holding on to the important stuff.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Feeling Down
This has been a bad week and I'm feeling down. I'm not sure why exactly, but I'm just feeling it. I wish there was some way to snap out it but nothing seems to be working.
Matt and I are still seeing the shrink once a week and I decided I wanted to see him alone last Saturday. There were a few things I needed to figure out and I'm not quite sure the session solved anything. It helped in that I got everything off my chest (I just re-read this sentence and realized that this phrase will never be the same again), but I'm just not sure what to do with it now that it's out there. I really need to see him again this week, but we'll be out of town. I don't want to go two weeks between sessions. It's not good for me, but I have no choice.
I go back to work on Monday. I can't believe it's only been ten weeks. It seems like much longer. I'm nervous about returning to the office. I'm nervous about getting on with life. My body still aches on occasion but I'd consider myself physically healed. I'm just not sure I'm emotionally ready.
Two weeks ago I started exercising and think I pushed myself too hard. My incisions are red and swollen but when Dr. S looked at them last week he said they were fine. I need to continue exercising but take it a little easier. I think all along I've been pushing myself emotionally. This whole thing has been harder on my mind than it's been on my body. I've been pushing myself to get over it and put the cancer and the surgery out of my mind. And even though these ten weeks have seemed like an eternity, I feel like I still need time.
I need time for me. Not for getting over cancer, or recovering from surgery, or taking care of a toddler, a husband and an entire household, and dealing with friends and family drama. I need time for me. One of the big issues in therapy is that Matt seems to think that I've been on some sort of vacation during this time. I wish that were the case.
I need a week alone on a deserted island to read books, soak up the sun and not think about anything that has to do with anything. Alone. Did I mention alone?
Matt and I are still seeing the shrink once a week and I decided I wanted to see him alone last Saturday. There were a few things I needed to figure out and I'm not quite sure the session solved anything. It helped in that I got everything off my chest (I just re-read this sentence and realized that this phrase will never be the same again), but I'm just not sure what to do with it now that it's out there. I really need to see him again this week, but we'll be out of town. I don't want to go two weeks between sessions. It's not good for me, but I have no choice.
I go back to work on Monday. I can't believe it's only been ten weeks. It seems like much longer. I'm nervous about returning to the office. I'm nervous about getting on with life. My body still aches on occasion but I'd consider myself physically healed. I'm just not sure I'm emotionally ready.
Two weeks ago I started exercising and think I pushed myself too hard. My incisions are red and swollen but when Dr. S looked at them last week he said they were fine. I need to continue exercising but take it a little easier. I think all along I've been pushing myself emotionally. This whole thing has been harder on my mind than it's been on my body. I've been pushing myself to get over it and put the cancer and the surgery out of my mind. And even though these ten weeks have seemed like an eternity, I feel like I still need time.
I need time for me. Not for getting over cancer, or recovering from surgery, or taking care of a toddler, a husband and an entire household, and dealing with friends and family drama. I need time for me. One of the big issues in therapy is that Matt seems to think that I've been on some sort of vacation during this time. I wish that were the case.
I need a week alone on a deserted island to read books, soak up the sun and not think about anything that has to do with anything. Alone. Did I mention alone?
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Bad Jello
Cha has two imaginary friends, Monster and Jello. Monster showed up a few months ago and at first she was deathly afraid of him. She'd call me into her room at night and say that Monster was scaring her. I kept telling her that Monster was friendly and wanted to play but if he was bothering her she should ask him to leave her alone.
Today Monster is one of her best buddies. He rides to school with us every morning and they have the most amusing conversations in the back seat. Last week Cha told him that Caden punched her at daycare (untrue) and asked Monster to kiss her arm. Then she said 'Thank you Monster. I love you.'
She's also big on pointing out the important things in life. We live near a farm and every so often I'll hear Cha say 'Look Monster! A cow! Mooooo!!!!' I'm so glad the two of them have become good friends.
Jello is another story. He showed up about a week ago and he's always hitting or touching her. This morning it was like having two bickering siblings in the back seat.
'Mommy, Jello is touching me.'
'Jello, please stop touching Charlotte.'
'See Jello, Mommy said to stop!'
Two minutes later Jello was back to touching her. She scolded him. 'Bad Jello! Stop right now!'
She has similar conversations with the kittens. She will snuggle with them and whisper in their ears, then all the sudden she turns into Lenny with the rabbits. She starts to squeeze the life out of them until they wise up and run away. Matt and I are always joking that the kitten's names are 'Run' and 'Kitty Run!' Those poor ani-mules.
I suspect this is the life of an only child. (Anyone remember Danny's imaginary friend 'Tony' from The Shining? I pray that Jello and Monster don't start talking about 'redrum'.)
Today Monster is one of her best buddies. He rides to school with us every morning and they have the most amusing conversations in the back seat. Last week Cha told him that Caden punched her at daycare (untrue) and asked Monster to kiss her arm. Then she said 'Thank you Monster. I love you.'
She's also big on pointing out the important things in life. We live near a farm and every so often I'll hear Cha say 'Look Monster! A cow! Mooooo!!!!' I'm so glad the two of them have become good friends.
Jello is another story. He showed up about a week ago and he's always hitting or touching her. This morning it was like having two bickering siblings in the back seat.
'Mommy, Jello is touching me.'
'Jello, please stop touching Charlotte.'
'See Jello, Mommy said to stop!'
Two minutes later Jello was back to touching her. She scolded him. 'Bad Jello! Stop right now!'
She has similar conversations with the kittens. She will snuggle with them and whisper in their ears, then all the sudden she turns into Lenny with the rabbits. She starts to squeeze the life out of them until they wise up and run away. Matt and I are always joking that the kitten's names are 'Run' and 'Kitty Run!' Those poor ani-mules.
I suspect this is the life of an only child. (Anyone remember Danny's imaginary friend 'Tony' from The Shining? I pray that Jello and Monster don't start talking about 'redrum'.)
Monday, March 17, 2008
My Sweet Girl
My little Cha Cha Bear
The shirt in the second picture is actually the dress she wore for her One Year pictures. We had a St. Patty's party over the weekend and I found that in her closet. I think it works as a baby doll top, dontcha think?
And yes, I realize my child has the worst toddler hair ever. Her bangs will not grow! She's 2 and a half and that's as long as they've gotten. I do trim the back but that's because the hair refuses to lay flat. Maybe by the time she's five I'll be able to put her hair in a pony tail.
The shirt in the second picture is actually the dress she wore for her One Year pictures. We had a St. Patty's party over the weekend and I found that in her closet. I think it works as a baby doll top, dontcha think?
And yes, I realize my child has the worst toddler hair ever. Her bangs will not grow! She's 2 and a half and that's as long as they've gotten. I do trim the back but that's because the hair refuses to lay flat. Maybe by the time she's five I'll be able to put her hair in a pony tail.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
The Wait
Update: C met with Dr. K yesterday. He said he didn't think the lump was malignant, but he has to take it out. She's going in to have it removed on Friday. Fingers crossed!
One of my dear friends found a lump recently. She went in for a mammogram this past week only to have them confirm that it was indeed a lump (duh!). She already knew that but wanted more information. They can't tell her anything until they do an ultrasound but they can't do an ultrasound until she meets with a surgeon. The surgeon can't meet with her until next Monday so it's going to be a very long weekend.
The waiting really is one of the worst part about this whole process. You're already anxious waiting for the mammogram, but having to wait to meet with the surgeon and then to schedule an ultrasound and then a biopsy is harsh. By the time you get the results you've thought of every possible terrifying outcome and your heart is cracking and your lungs are on overdrive from trying to breathe. There really ought to be a fast track for these things.
My friend was one of the very few people who came to visit me in the hospital. (I didn't want anyone to visit me actually but was so grateful to see her.) She is also one of the few who saw my new breasts one week after surgery. She told me recently that they really freaked her out at first and I completely understand. They were a mess! I hope it didn't scar her for life.
I am praying that her lump turns out to be nothing. She's a bit younger and the odds are more in her favor. Besides, the idea of the two of us getting cancer is just wrong.
Please keep Carrie in your thoughts.
One of my dear friends found a lump recently. She went in for a mammogram this past week only to have them confirm that it was indeed a lump (duh!). She already knew that but wanted more information. They can't tell her anything until they do an ultrasound but they can't do an ultrasound until she meets with a surgeon. The surgeon can't meet with her until next Monday so it's going to be a very long weekend.
The waiting really is one of the worst part about this whole process. You're already anxious waiting for the mammogram, but having to wait to meet with the surgeon and then to schedule an ultrasound and then a biopsy is harsh. By the time you get the results you've thought of every possible terrifying outcome and your heart is cracking and your lungs are on overdrive from trying to breathe. There really ought to be a fast track for these things.
My friend was one of the very few people who came to visit me in the hospital. (I didn't want anyone to visit me actually but was so grateful to see her.) She is also one of the few who saw my new breasts one week after surgery. She told me recently that they really freaked her out at first and I completely understand. They were a mess! I hope it didn't scar her for life.
I am praying that her lump turns out to be nothing. She's a bit younger and the odds are more in her favor. Besides, the idea of the two of us getting cancer is just wrong.
Please keep Carrie in your thoughts.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Cool!
I got a pamphlet from United Healthcare this afternoon.
They wanted to remind me that early detection of breast cancer is very important and that if I haven't done so already I should schedule my annual mammogram.
Those people are so on top of things!
They wanted to remind me that early detection of breast cancer is very important and that if I haven't done so already I should schedule my annual mammogram.
Those people are so on top of things!
One political comment
I've been paying attention to the candidates and know all the issues/non-issues. I know who I'm going to vote for but I'll keep that to myself (like most of you can't guess anyway!)
My one comment is: I am shocked that Obama is only 6 years older than me. I can't have a president who is only 6 years older than me. That would make me OLD.
Note to Pops: Did you notice that you and Barak share a birthday? He's Aug 4, 1961. Interesting.
My one comment is: I am shocked that Obama is only 6 years older than me. I can't have a president who is only 6 years older than me. That would make me OLD.
Note to Pops: Did you notice that you and Barak share a birthday? He's Aug 4, 1961. Interesting.
My claims
I have no idea what's going on with my claims. I checked them yesterday before I calling the insurance company and there's all sorts of odd things going on. Some of the claims are missing, others were written off and a few other small charges paid.
I'm just going to sit back and wait a while before I contact anyone.
I'm just going to sit back and wait a while before I contact anyone.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
'Not Covered'
Oh boy, it looks like I might have a fight with the insurance company in my future. I checked my claims tonight and the bills from the initial reconstruction were denied with the simple explanation 'Not Covered'.
'Patient Responsibility - $47,200.00'
Uh huh, yea right.
I'll be calling them first thing tomorrow morning. By law insurance companies are required to pay for breast reconstruction in cancer cases. I used a network doctor and hospital and called to check on the procedure ahead of time. I hope it's a mistake on their part.
'Patient Responsibility - $47,200.00'
Uh huh, yea right.
I'll be calling them first thing tomorrow morning. By law insurance companies are required to pay for breast reconstruction in cancer cases. I used a network doctor and hospital and called to check on the procedure ahead of time. I hope it's a mistake on their part.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)