Grateful

I've been feeling especially grateful this week. It's the holiday season and grief has left me feeling raw. Money is tight this year thanks to unexpected travel, broken vehicles, appliances, and a 40 year old house that is in much need of new windows. But still, I am feeling grateful.

I am healthy. My husband is healthy and so is my child. Money may be tight, but it's there. We are employed and paying our bills. We're refinancing the mortgage and saving $150 a month, which just covers the increase in our health care for 2011. Oh yes, the health insurance. We are so fortunate to have such wonderful care and even tho it does cost more this year than last, the premiums are minor compared to the alternative.

This month I have seen friends lose their jobs and their homes. There have been multiple hospitalizations, including a darling little five year old who very well may be spending this Christmas in ICU. A friend is struggling with providing even a single Christmas present for his children, who have had one sad and lonely year to start with. Heartbreaking stories.

Losing my mother has been very difficult. I feel the pain every day and pray that one day I will feel normal again. But, that pain seems natural and manageable in comparison to what others are dealing with.

Tomorrow I'll be taking Cha to see Santa. We'll probably spend $15 for a single picture but she'll get to see the big guy she's been talking about for months. This weekend Santa (paycheck in hand) starts her shopping for one sweet, funny, happy, healthy and loving five year old. They'll be less presents under the tree this year and nothing super extravagant, but I know we're still one of the fortunate ones.

Here are two pictures from my mother and brother's service last month. It was beautiful beyond words.

this explains things

Grief Overload occurs when a person experiences several deaths at once or in close succession. Multiple losses deplete the coping resources of the best adjusted people, leaving them stuck in grief with poor means of resolution. AIDS may be the challenge for members of the gay community, but also car accidents that take out many members of a family. Elders may suffer this as they experience multiple losses in their elder years, friends, family members, other acquaintances. This can also be a severe problem for teens or children who face school shootings. The longer the exposure to the trauma, the more difficult the grieving.



(and while I was googling I found two items which irked me. I had hoped bloggers were above plagiarizing. There's basically the same, no? Single in DCity and Dr. Lou LaGrande.

Hurting

Confession: I am a friggen mess. Usually over the span of 24 hours I am angry, sad, depressed, anxious, bitter, melancholy, tired, achy, tense, overwhelmed, overstimulated, guilty, worried, cranky, sorry, grateful, and irritable with the more than occasional hot flash. Some days I can't stand to be me and prefer to keep my nightmare mood swings to myself. I have been assured by professionals that this will pass. I am desperately counting on it.

We are holding a memorial service for my mother and brother at the end of the month. That, in addition to the upcoming one year anniversary of my brother's suicide is taking a toll on my mental health. I have to keep reminding myself that it will get better.

The service will be held at the church where my parents were married. I've heard wonderful things about the pastor who will be performing the service but I've never met him and he did not know Mom or Keith. He asked if I, along with other family and friends, would email him stories and background to include in her sermon. Easier said than done.

Every day I tell myself that I've got to start writing something down about my mother. I never get more than a paragraph before I completely shut down. It's just too painful. I have beautiful memories of my mother. Great stories of fun times and moments of side splitting laughter. As I'm sitting here a dozen memories flashed before me but I cannot bring myself to think of them too long, and certainly not spend the time to write them down. Once the tears start I can't control when they stop, so I do what I can to keep them from starting. Memories force me to acknowledge that my mother is really gone forever. They slap me in the face with the truth that there will be no more laughing with my mom. No more phone calls. No more hugs or smiles or goofy times. Remembering happy times is too damn hard.

On the flip side, I had very little trouble writing something down about Keith. I shared the harsh reality of my brother's life and his death. I wrote of his love for his children and also the sadness in his world. I cried while I typed and had to stop several times to catch my breath. That said, it is much more difficult to think about the good times than the bad. In my email to the pastor I told him I was still working on something for my mom, but it will come later.

The pastor called me this afternoon after he read my email about Keith. I wasn't emotionally prepared to speak to him so I let his call go to voicemail. Several hours later I listened to the message and had a bit of a breakdown. He said what needed to be said and what I needed to hear. He's a man of compassion and I have faith he will do a beautiful job on the sermon.

This is all so hard. Every single bit of it. I go to suicide support meetings every month and see my therapist weekly. I thought I was handling things 'okay' but it feels like I've only touched the surface of recovery. Trying to wrap my heart around the loss of my mother on top of everything else is simply overwhelming.

I spoke to my dad tonight after I listened to the pastor's message. It was a good chat and we both admitted that we're looking forward to the service being over with. I know it is very important for the family and will provide much healing, but honestly the day after can't come soon enough.

23 days and counting.

Thankful Thursday

1. I am thankful for our oven. Cha and I had so much fun making heart shaped cookies tonight. She said she wanted to make something special for her friends at school.

2. I am thankful for the local library that had Help Me Say Goodbye and several other books for children on grieving. Cha and I stopped by after work and found everything we were looking for and got a chance to play on the computer and roll around the community room.

3. I am thankful for my little beagle for providing comfort and joy to the family. I love that little dog so much.

4. I am thankful for my cell phone, which Cha uses every week to call her Grandpa. I love listening to her talk to him. She's such a funny little girl.

5. I am thankful for the cooler weather.

6. I am thankful for the roof over my head and the food in my belly.

7. I am thankful for my job, which provides me with a place to dump Halloween Candy that I do not want in the house anymore.

8. I am thankful for Modern Family which is really, really, really funny and you really, really, really should start watching it. The biggest laughs I've had in a while.

9. I am thankful for leftover catering at work, which makes lunchtime more enjoyable.

10. I am thankful that this year is almost over.

A long overdue Thankful Thursday

Life has been kinda crappy but there's always something to be thankful for.

1. I am thankful for the family in Collegeville who purchased a brand new, fancy washing machine which led them to post their old one on Craigslist. Our machine went kaput two weeks ago and while I was getting used to hanging out at the public washer I am very thankful to have a working machine in my basement again. It's a super nice one too and quite a bargain at only $100.

2. I am thankful that Cousin Missy came out of surgery fine and dandy this week. I will always toast to her health.

3. I am thankful that Cha's high fever and complaints that her sides and back hurt was nothing more serious than another bladder infection. When her school called this morning and said she was running a 103 fever I had fears of appendicitis. She was in a lot of pain but the motrin, tylenol and suprex have made her feel much better in the last 12 hours.

4. I am thankful that the weather has been amazing this week. It's been in the mid to high 70s all week. It's crazy shorts weather! We are heading back down to the 50s this weekend, but that's perfect Halloween weather so it's all good.

5. I am thankful for Resolve Carpet Cleaner. With two cats, a dog, a 5 year old and a messy spouse, Resolve has been a sanity saver. Tho I am still kicking myself for installing cream colored carpet.

6. I am thankful for my very reliable Toyota Yaris which Cha and I will be taking on yet another road trip at the end of November. We'll be driving nearly 1,000 miles to my mother's memorial service in Wisconsin.

7. I am thankful for the wonderful friends in my life who know exactly what to say and when to say it.

8. I am thankful for Cha's teacher who has been doing a great job teaching her to read. Cha has been dreaming about reading for a year and she's finally getting it. I am so very proud of her and thankful that Miss Beth has made learning to read fun for my little girl.

9. I am thankful for my husband for his big shoulders, which have provided much sanity during my mental unrest.

10. I am thankful for blogspot for always being there when I need her.

Bonus: I am thankful for the woman at the crematorium who 'checked the back' and just happened to find the perfect stray mini-urn. She showed my father and I many urns and saw that I was hoping to find something similar to my brother Keith's. She walked in the back and found exactly what I was looking for. Below is my Mother on the left and Brother Keith on the fight. It means so much to me that they match, tho I have no idea why.

where's shock?

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Those are the five stages of grief. My question is, where the heck is shock? As far as I'm concerned shock and calling your shrink should be in the top two.

My family has experienced an unfair share of pain, loss and suffering in the last few years. I learned long ago to stop saying 'At least it can't get any worse' because it always can. It can always get worse, which I guess means that there's always something to be thankful for.

Losing my brother to suicide was the most painful event in my life. It shook me to the core and made me look at everything in my world differently. My family, meaning my parents and my siblings, were scattered all over the country and some didn't have the best relationship with each other. But when my brother died we all came together and although briefly we were there for another. It was a deeply personal experience that only the five remaining family members could understand and we came together.

But then we all came apart and were left to deal with the suicide in our own way, since the loss meant different things to all of us. I lost my big brother, whom I hadn't spoken to in many months and whose last contact was far from kind. I was upset with my brother when he died and although I do not feel tremendous guilt over our last words, I do have issues that I have been dealing with.

My parents lost their first child, something I pray I will never have to experience because I cannot even begin to understand the depth of that pain.

Months after my brother's death, nine to be exact, my mother was diagnosed with myelodysplastic syndrome. She hadn't been feeling well and the diagnoses came after several days in the hospital and many rounds of testing. I did a bit of research after the diagnosis and found there isn't a whole lot of information on the internet. When I stumbled upon Rex's Story I was shocked at the statement: Is MDS fatal? Normally, yes, though the length of time it takes to happen is very variable.

I think that's when the shock began. The further I read the more disturbed things became. My mother was sick and if the statistics were to be believed....well, I was having a hard time going there.

My mother did not deserve this, tho I guess no one really does. She was still recovering from the devastating loss of her son who, more than any of her other children, she has always had a very close connection. She battled heart problems and cancer and diabetes and pneumonia and a string of other health issues. This woman needed a break! She needed a year of good health and happy times with her family and friends. More than anyone, she was due.

The MDS was a punch in the gut but my mother handled it as she did with everything else in her life - humor, sarcasm, grace and more than a little smidgen of bitchiness. She started chemo which kicked her ass and underwent weekly blood transfusions which gave her much needed pep. But she was in a lot of pain. Three weeks ago she came down with shingles. If you have to know only one thing about shingles, it's that it causes a whole lot of pain. Just what she did not need. Too much pain.

On September 22nd my mother had an appointment for her weekly blood transfusion. Something that was sure to make her feel better and lessen a tiny bit of her pain. But it never happened. 'She didn't make it' are the words that will forever and ever amen ring in my mind.

What?? How is this possible? I just spoke to her days ago. I just saw her in July. She was just out to visit last year. She was just diagnosed six weeks ago. She's my mother and I need her. Doesn't anyone up there know how much I need her? Don't they know she is due? She needs peace and a healthy body and for the pain to be gone.



I love you mom and I miss you every minute of every day. Give Keith a hug for me and enjoy that healthy body. Smile big and enjoy the sunshine.

My mother with nearly all of her grandchildren
July 8, 2010

loss

I hope you don't mind. A dear friend of mine lost a loved one to suicide recently. Tonight I sent her a rambling note with my thoughts. I still miss my brother daily and the pain is still intense.

Dear friend,

Things I have learned both in and out of the survivor of suicide support group....

In the early days I could not say the word suicide. It was 'took his life' or 'passed away'. Suicide was just too hard to say.

You can't turn your brain off and will find yourself thinking about it all the time. Obsessing over the details. Fretting over the last minutes, what was he thinking, how was he feeling, did he think of me, etc. Neither of us saw the body but I cannot stop going there. Trying to imagine what he looked like, how he felt and smelled. How he screamed and how much pain he was in. I cannot decide whether it's a blessing that I didn't see him or not. It's very difficult because we will never have the answer to that question.

The first survivors of suicide meeting I went to was incredible. The facilitator talked a bit about the group's guidelines and then told her story (she lost her college age son). One thing she said that day that made so much sense to me was that during those first few weeks we (the survivors) seem to have super power strength. We can endure much more than we EVER thought we could. Seriously, I never thought I'd have to strength to clean Keith's room and sort thru his journals. The facilitator said that during that time the survivors are still in shock and are under almost a full body Novocaine. That was exactly how I felt. The novocaine was keeping us from feeling the intense pain so we could get thru that painful beginning.

But after time the novocaine wears off and the real pain begins. I have heard people speak who lost children or spouses only weeks before. They said they didn't think it could get worse but it does. That novocaine is gone and you just lose it. It will get worse before it gets better.

I became very aware of how often people make reference to suicide, and how often it is joked about. I am totally guilty of it and have a different view now. People will say insensitive things because they have no idea what to say. It's hard not to get offended but I think back on how clueless I was and how I would nave no idea what to say either. I do get mad however when people pull that God crap on me. In times like these, strangers have NO business talking to you about god or religion or anything spiritual. Now is not to time to save anyone's souls it's about healing.

One of the great things about the support group is that after a while you'll find that people in your life expect you to be over it and stop talking about 'it'. You can always talk about it in meetings with others who know exactly how you are feeling. Honestly, I still need to talk about it almost daily and no one really wants to hear it. I have met several ex-wives who said they didn't think they had a right to come to meetings and talk but it's such a personal thing that no one is ever excluded.

One woman lost her ex husband via shotgun to the head. It was a recent loss and she was going on about how she thought it could have been an accident. How she wasn't sure he really meant to shoot himself. That's true but the facilitator brought up passive suicide, which is doing dangerous things when you know there's a possibility that you could die but you take no precautions. The ex wife knew he had been having bad thoughts so it was possible that he was being careless with a gun hoping that it would go off. It doesn't really matter in the end but it's that thinking, the fine details, that can drive you bonkers.

Hearing about your loss has really taken me back to those early days after Keith's death. It's still a fresh wound and who knows how long it will be. I feel like I can put myself in everyone's position and the pain is unbearable all around. Every single person he left behind is going to feel it for a long time.

“Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.”

Suicide: Read This First