Something bizarre happened. Three weeks ago I decided to stop taking my anti-depressants (Wellbutrin). No real reason other than I was just tired of taking them. I was actually in a really sad state and had doubled the dose a month before. It wasn't providing much relief so one night I just decided not to take a pill.
I kept waiting for the withdrawals to kick in, since I had such an awful experience with Lexapro. They never came. Instead what happened was little by little I started feeling like my old self again. Every day I felt a tad more normal like back in my pre-cancer days. I started singing and humming to myself, smiling and laughing more and appreciating my feelings.
This weekend was super, even though it was filled with the same stressers that were there three weeks ago. I woke up this morning, a Monday of all days, and sprang out of bed with a smile on my face. I'm not going to question where this good mood and energy come from, I'm just going to enjoy it.
(P.S. And an early Happy Birthday to me!)
Monday, May 23, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Wednesday's Dream
I had it Monday night, actually but I'm still feeling it today. That's a powerful dream.
In the dream my mother was actively dying. It was a slow painful death that we all knew was coming. I was by her side every moment for months (which did not happen) and it was exhausting. In my dream I left my mother's side to run home and be with Matthew. I ran into his arms screaming that I could not survive if my mother died. I explained that my heart would stop beating with hers and there was no way I would make it without her. Matthew held me and assured me I would survive but I was certain I would die.
Waking up was bittersweet. The reality that my mother was indeed gone and that I am still alive was overwhelming. I am still alive six months later, something I dreamed was impossible.
Monday night was the final night of the bereavement group I have been attending. It was a six week session with six other individuals dealing with loss. It was educational and emotional. It also helped me heal. My grief and that of the fellow survivors was on my mind when I went to sleep that night, which I'm sure is behind the dream. I never thought I would make it a day but it's already been six months. Sad but hopeful.
This week I am alive and things are going well, or at least pretty good. I am ready to be happy and genuinely smile again.
Miss Cha had a dream recently where she married a boy named Josh. She made the announcement as soon as she woke up. She usually tells me her dreams in the car on the way to school.
She also cut her bangs in school two weeks ago. Here's what I stared at in the rear view mirror on the way home. She now sports a very uneven pixie cut. : (
In the dream my mother was actively dying. It was a slow painful death that we all knew was coming. I was by her side every moment for months (which did not happen) and it was exhausting. In my dream I left my mother's side to run home and be with Matthew. I ran into his arms screaming that I could not survive if my mother died. I explained that my heart would stop beating with hers and there was no way I would make it without her. Matthew held me and assured me I would survive but I was certain I would die.
Waking up was bittersweet. The reality that my mother was indeed gone and that I am still alive was overwhelming. I am still alive six months later, something I dreamed was impossible.
Monday night was the final night of the bereavement group I have been attending. It was a six week session with six other individuals dealing with loss. It was educational and emotional. It also helped me heal. My grief and that of the fellow survivors was on my mind when I went to sleep that night, which I'm sure is behind the dream. I never thought I would make it a day but it's already been six months. Sad but hopeful.
This week I am alive and things are going well, or at least pretty good. I am ready to be happy and genuinely smile again.
Miss Cha had a dream recently where she married a boy named Josh. She made the announcement as soon as she woke up. She usually tells me her dreams in the car on the way to school.
She also cut her bangs in school two weeks ago. Here's what I stared at in the rear view mirror on the way home. She now sports a very uneven pixie cut. : (
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Tears
I was sad when I woke up this morning. Not really sure why, I was just sad. I tried to will it away and have a good morning with my family of three. Cha and I snuggled on the couch watching one of our shows until Matt got up and joined us. I got off the couch and made breakfast for the three of us and then we sat down and ate while we talked about the day. So many things to do.
We drove out to the outlets to get new pants for Cha. She has picked up the habit of crawling on the floor for fun, and keeps putting holes in the knees of her pants. The entire drive I continued to feel sad. At one point I started talking to Matt about my Dad which led me to talk about my Mom. Then it hit me that today is the 22nd, four months to the day since my mother died. That explains it I guess.
When we got home I sat down to get caught up on email and my favorite blogs. That's when I learned the terribly sad news about Daria, a breast cancer sister who passed away early this morning. I've been following her journey over the years and prayed for her many times. I cried when I read the post from her husband about her passed. It all happened so fast. Just like my mother, one day she was there and then life was over. I guess it's better than the agony of slow and painful death.
The 22nd is just a sad day, no matter what month.
We drove out to the outlets to get new pants for Cha. She has picked up the habit of crawling on the floor for fun, and keeps putting holes in the knees of her pants. The entire drive I continued to feel sad. At one point I started talking to Matt about my Dad which led me to talk about my Mom. Then it hit me that today is the 22nd, four months to the day since my mother died. That explains it I guess.
When we got home I sat down to get caught up on email and my favorite blogs. That's when I learned the terribly sad news about Daria, a breast cancer sister who passed away early this morning. I've been following her journey over the years and prayed for her many times. I cried when I read the post from her husband about her passed. It all happened so fast. Just like my mother, one day she was there and then life was over. I guess it's better than the agony of slow and painful death.
The 22nd is just a sad day, no matter what month.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Grateful
I've been feeling especially grateful this week. It's the holiday season and grief has left me feeling raw. Money is tight this year thanks to unexpected travel, broken vehicles, appliances, and a 40 year old house that is in much need of new windows. But still, I am feeling grateful.
I am healthy. My husband is healthy and so is my child. Money may be tight, but it's there. We are employed and paying our bills. We're refinancing the mortgage and saving $150 a month, which just covers the increase in our health care for 2011. Oh yes, the health insurance. We are so fortunate to have such wonderful care and even tho it does cost more this year than last, the premiums are minor compared to the alternative.
This month I have seen friends lose their jobs and their homes. There have been multiple hospitalizations, including a darling little five year old who very well may be spending this Christmas in ICU. A friend is struggling with providing even a single Christmas present for his children, who have had one sad and lonely year to start with. Heartbreaking stories.
Losing my mother has been very difficult. I feel the pain every day and pray that one day I will feel normal again. But, that pain seems natural and manageable in comparison to what others are dealing with.
Tomorrow I'll be taking Cha to see Santa. We'll probably spend $15 for a single picture but she'll get to see the big guy she's been talking about for months. This weekend Santa (paycheck in hand) starts her shopping for one sweet, funny, happy, healthy and loving five year old. They'll be less presents under the tree this year and nothing super extravagant, but I know we're still one of the fortunate ones.
Here are two pictures from my mother and brother's service last month. It was beautiful beyond words.
I am healthy. My husband is healthy and so is my child. Money may be tight, but it's there. We are employed and paying our bills. We're refinancing the mortgage and saving $150 a month, which just covers the increase in our health care for 2011. Oh yes, the health insurance. We are so fortunate to have such wonderful care and even tho it does cost more this year than last, the premiums are minor compared to the alternative.
This month I have seen friends lose their jobs and their homes. There have been multiple hospitalizations, including a darling little five year old who very well may be spending this Christmas in ICU. A friend is struggling with providing even a single Christmas present for his children, who have had one sad and lonely year to start with. Heartbreaking stories.
Losing my mother has been very difficult. I feel the pain every day and pray that one day I will feel normal again. But, that pain seems natural and manageable in comparison to what others are dealing with.
Tomorrow I'll be taking Cha to see Santa. We'll probably spend $15 for a single picture but she'll get to see the big guy she's been talking about for months. This weekend Santa (paycheck in hand) starts her shopping for one sweet, funny, happy, healthy and loving five year old. They'll be less presents under the tree this year and nothing super extravagant, but I know we're still one of the fortunate ones.
Here are two pictures from my mother and brother's service last month. It was beautiful beyond words.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
this explains things
Grief Overload occurs when a person experiences several deaths at once or in close succession. Multiple losses deplete the coping resources of the best adjusted people, leaving them stuck in grief with poor means of resolution. AIDS may be the challenge for members of the gay community, but also car accidents that take out many members of a family. Elders may suffer this as they experience multiple losses in their elder years, friends, family members, other acquaintances. This can also be a severe problem for teens or children who face school shootings. The longer the exposure to the trauma, the more difficult the grieving.
(and while I was googling I found two items which irked me. I had hoped bloggers were above plagiarizing. There's basically the same, no? Single in DCity and Dr. Lou LaGrande.
(and while I was googling I found two items which irked me. I had hoped bloggers were above plagiarizing. There's basically the same, no? Single in DCity and Dr. Lou LaGrande.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Hurting
Confession: I am a friggen mess. Usually over the span of 24 hours I am angry, sad, depressed, anxious, bitter, melancholy, tired, achy, tense, overwhelmed, overstimulated, guilty, worried, cranky, sorry, grateful, and irritable with the more than occasional hot flash. Some days I can't stand to be me and prefer to keep my nightmare mood swings to myself. I have been assured by professionals that this will pass. I am desperately counting on it.
We are holding a memorial service for my mother and brother at the end of the month. That, in addition to the upcoming one year anniversary of my brother's suicide is taking a toll on my mental health. I have to keep reminding myself that it will get better.
The service will be held at the church where my parents were married. I've heard wonderful things about the pastor who will be performing the service but I've never met him and he did not know Mom or Keith. He asked if I, along with other family and friends, would email him stories and background to include in her sermon. Easier said than done.
Every day I tell myself that I've got to start writing something down about my mother. I never get more than a paragraph before I completely shut down. It's just too painful. I have beautiful memories of my mother. Great stories of fun times and moments of side splitting laughter. As I'm sitting here a dozen memories flashed before me but I cannot bring myself to think of them too long, and certainly not spend the time to write them down. Once the tears start I can't control when they stop, so I do what I can to keep them from starting. Memories force me to acknowledge that my mother is really gone forever. They slap me in the face with the truth that there will be no more laughing with my mom. No more phone calls. No more hugs or smiles or goofy times. Remembering happy times is too damn hard.
On the flip side, I had very little trouble writing something down about Keith. I shared the harsh reality of my brother's life and his death. I wrote of his love for his children and also the sadness in his world. I cried while I typed and had to stop several times to catch my breath. That said, it is much more difficult to think about the good times than the bad. In my email to the pastor I told him I was still working on something for my mom, but it will come later.
The pastor called me this afternoon after he read my email about Keith. I wasn't emotionally prepared to speak to him so I let his call go to voicemail. Several hours later I listened to the message and had a bit of a breakdown. He said what needed to be said and what I needed to hear. He's a man of compassion and I have faith he will do a beautiful job on the sermon.
This is all so hard. Every single bit of it. I go to suicide support meetings every month and see my therapist weekly. I thought I was handling things 'okay' but it feels like I've only touched the surface of recovery. Trying to wrap my heart around the loss of my mother on top of everything else is simply overwhelming.
I spoke to my dad tonight after I listened to the pastor's message. It was a good chat and we both admitted that we're looking forward to the service being over with. I know it is very important for the family and will provide much healing, but honestly the day after can't come soon enough.
23 days and counting.
We are holding a memorial service for my mother and brother at the end of the month. That, in addition to the upcoming one year anniversary of my brother's suicide is taking a toll on my mental health. I have to keep reminding myself that it will get better.
The service will be held at the church where my parents were married. I've heard wonderful things about the pastor who will be performing the service but I've never met him and he did not know Mom or Keith. He asked if I, along with other family and friends, would email him stories and background to include in her sermon. Easier said than done.
Every day I tell myself that I've got to start writing something down about my mother. I never get more than a paragraph before I completely shut down. It's just too painful. I have beautiful memories of my mother. Great stories of fun times and moments of side splitting laughter. As I'm sitting here a dozen memories flashed before me but I cannot bring myself to think of them too long, and certainly not spend the time to write them down. Once the tears start I can't control when they stop, so I do what I can to keep them from starting. Memories force me to acknowledge that my mother is really gone forever. They slap me in the face with the truth that there will be no more laughing with my mom. No more phone calls. No more hugs or smiles or goofy times. Remembering happy times is too damn hard.
On the flip side, I had very little trouble writing something down about Keith. I shared the harsh reality of my brother's life and his death. I wrote of his love for his children and also the sadness in his world. I cried while I typed and had to stop several times to catch my breath. That said, it is much more difficult to think about the good times than the bad. In my email to the pastor I told him I was still working on something for my mom, but it will come later.
The pastor called me this afternoon after he read my email about Keith. I wasn't emotionally prepared to speak to him so I let his call go to voicemail. Several hours later I listened to the message and had a bit of a breakdown. He said what needed to be said and what I needed to hear. He's a man of compassion and I have faith he will do a beautiful job on the sermon.
This is all so hard. Every single bit of it. I go to suicide support meetings every month and see my therapist weekly. I thought I was handling things 'okay' but it feels like I've only touched the surface of recovery. Trying to wrap my heart around the loss of my mother on top of everything else is simply overwhelming.
I spoke to my dad tonight after I listened to the pastor's message. It was a good chat and we both admitted that we're looking forward to the service being over with. I know it is very important for the family and will provide much healing, but honestly the day after can't come soon enough.
23 days and counting.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Thankful Thursday
1. I am thankful for our oven. Cha and I had so much fun making heart shaped cookies tonight. She said she wanted to make something special for her friends at school.
2. I am thankful for the local library that had Help Me Say Goodbye and several other books for children on grieving. Cha and I stopped by after work and found everything we were looking for and got a chance to play on the computer and roll around the community room.
3. I am thankful for my little beagle for providing comfort and joy to the family. I love that little dog so much.
4. I am thankful for my cell phone, which Cha uses every week to call her Grandpa. I love listening to her talk to him. She's such a funny little girl.
5. I am thankful for the cooler weather.
6. I am thankful for the roof over my head and the food in my belly.
7. I am thankful for my job, which provides me with a place to dump Halloween Candy that I do not want in the house anymore.
8. I am thankful for Modern Family which is really, really, really funny and you really, really, really should start watching it. The biggest laughs I've had in a while.
9. I am thankful for leftover catering at work, which makes lunchtime more enjoyable.
10. I am thankful that this year is almost over.
2. I am thankful for the local library that had Help Me Say Goodbye and several other books for children on grieving. Cha and I stopped by after work and found everything we were looking for and got a chance to play on the computer and roll around the community room.
3. I am thankful for my little beagle for providing comfort and joy to the family. I love that little dog so much.
4. I am thankful for my cell phone, which Cha uses every week to call her Grandpa. I love listening to her talk to him. She's such a funny little girl.
5. I am thankful for the cooler weather.
6. I am thankful for the roof over my head and the food in my belly.
7. I am thankful for my job, which provides me with a place to dump Halloween Candy that I do not want in the house anymore.
8. I am thankful for Modern Family which is really, really, really funny and you really, really, really should start watching it. The biggest laughs I've had in a while.
9. I am thankful for leftover catering at work, which makes lunchtime more enjoyable.
10. I am thankful that this year is almost over.
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