I got a call from my doctor's office just a few hours after I called them. She looked at the ultrasound and said everything was fine. The spots I had noticed must have been my paranoia and negative thinking. I am still waiting for the PAP results but I'm feeling much more positive about them now.
I'm curious tho, if I weren't a cancer survivor would they have called me back so quickly? This office has never been so quick to respond. Maybe they know how terrible the wait is for someone in my shoes.
Monday, March 31, 2008
It takes a while
I thought I was doing good but it turns out I'm still a bit of a mess. This healing thing is taking longer than I thought. The emotional part hits me when I least expect it.
It's all the little things that add up. For instance, the unnecessary breast exam last week seemed silly but now it bothers me. It's only been two months since the surgery, don't you think doctors should be a little more sensitive? Give me a bit of courtesy.
This morning I had the ultrasound and it was upsetting. When I signed in the woman at the diagnostic center asked me if I have had my first mammogram yet. I said yes. It made me wonder how many times in my life I'd have to be reminded of it.
The ultrasound tech was the last straw. She asked why I was there and I told her the details. I just needed her to do an internal ultrasound but she insisted on trying to get the image thru my abdomen. I knew it wasn't going to happen because there is too much scar tissue and that whole golf ball thing to deal with.
When she looked at my scar she commented that it looked bad. (I am so reluctant to call it a scar since it hasn't really healed yet. It's still an incision that's healing, but it's easier to just say 'scar'.) I told her that it's actually much better than it has been and I am pleased with how it looks. She got frustrated trying to find an image and kept remarking that the scar was concerning. She left the room for a while and when she came back she said she was going to just try it internally (like I first suggested).
As I was laying there she said she'd never seen a scar so bad and pointed out that she had seem plenty of them. She asked when I last saw my doctor and I told him it was only three days ago and that he was pleased with the healing. She suggested that I get a second opinion. Um, excuse me lady but you are no doctor. You are merely a tech and you have no idea what you're dealing with. Actually, I don't believe you are technically allowed to make any comments about anything so please shut your mouth. How dare she put me in the position to be defensive or worse, paranoid about the care I have been receiving.
She left the room again and I sat there with the screen in front of me. I read the different images and noticed several spots that she had marked and measured. Now, I've seen many ultrasound pictures in the last five years and I got a bit spooked at what I saw. Maybe it was just the paranoia that the tech was pushing on me, and maybe they were just innocent spots of nothing but after what I've experienced the past four months I'm not placing any bets. Ignorance is bliss but it's also dangerous.
I know the tech couldn't tell me anything about what she saw but I made sure to call my doctor's office as soon as I got to the car. I left a message that I just had the ultrasound and was anxious for the results and asked her to call me on my cell as soon as she looks at them.
On a much needed positive note, the blood work from last Friday came back all clear. Not even a slightly elevated sugar level. I needed to hear that.
It's all the little things that add up. For instance, the unnecessary breast exam last week seemed silly but now it bothers me. It's only been two months since the surgery, don't you think doctors should be a little more sensitive? Give me a bit of courtesy.
This morning I had the ultrasound and it was upsetting. When I signed in the woman at the diagnostic center asked me if I have had my first mammogram yet. I said yes. It made me wonder how many times in my life I'd have to be reminded of it.
The ultrasound tech was the last straw. She asked why I was there and I told her the details. I just needed her to do an internal ultrasound but she insisted on trying to get the image thru my abdomen. I knew it wasn't going to happen because there is too much scar tissue and that whole golf ball thing to deal with.
When she looked at my scar she commented that it looked bad. (I am so reluctant to call it a scar since it hasn't really healed yet. It's still an incision that's healing, but it's easier to just say 'scar'.) I told her that it's actually much better than it has been and I am pleased with how it looks. She got frustrated trying to find an image and kept remarking that the scar was concerning. She left the room for a while and when she came back she said she was going to just try it internally (like I first suggested).
As I was laying there she said she'd never seen a scar so bad and pointed out that she had seem plenty of them. She asked when I last saw my doctor and I told him it was only three days ago and that he was pleased with the healing. She suggested that I get a second opinion. Um, excuse me lady but you are no doctor. You are merely a tech and you have no idea what you're dealing with. Actually, I don't believe you are technically allowed to make any comments about anything so please shut your mouth. How dare she put me in the position to be defensive or worse, paranoid about the care I have been receiving.
She left the room again and I sat there with the screen in front of me. I read the different images and noticed several spots that she had marked and measured. Now, I've seen many ultrasound pictures in the last five years and I got a bit spooked at what I saw. Maybe it was just the paranoia that the tech was pushing on me, and maybe they were just innocent spots of nothing but after what I've experienced the past four months I'm not placing any bets. Ignorance is bliss but it's also dangerous.
I know the tech couldn't tell me anything about what she saw but I made sure to call my doctor's office as soon as I got to the car. I left a message that I just had the ultrasound and was anxious for the results and asked her to call me on my cell as soon as she looks at them.
On a much needed positive note, the blood work from last Friday came back all clear. Not even a slightly elevated sugar level. I needed to hear that.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Friday, March 28, 2008
Doctor appointments - 1 good and 1 bad
I had two doctor appointments today. I met with Dr. S in the morning and was very happy with my visit. He said everything looks great and is actually shocked at how well I'm doing. He said that after my initial infection he didn't think I'd be back to normal for 4 months. He said I was an extreme case and attributed my quick recovery to how active I am.
We talked a bit about nipple reconstruction and I mentioned that I was thinking of just going with a tattoo. He pretty much told me no. I am afraid of getting the headlights permanently on look and he assured me that he can make them very subtle and guaranteed that I'd be happy with the results. He's been good to me so far so I'll do as he says.
I still have a significant amount of hardness in both my breasts and my tummy. I have what looks like a golf ball in my lower abdomen that isn't going away. When my breasts soften up a bit more I'll go back in for the stage 2 operation where Dr. S will move things around and make them pretty. He'll also lipo that golf ball so it will be nice and flat. That will probably be in July. Six weeks later I'll go in and he'll create the nipples, followed by the tattoo in another month and a half. My body should be fully re-sculptured and healed by Thanksgiving which will make it one year since the bad mammogram.
It was a fantastic appointment and I am really looking forward to putting it all behind me. I thanked Dr. S a dozen times today. I am so grateful for his genius.
My second appt of the day wasn't quite as successful. I had my annual checkup with my GYN. Ugh! It started off on an awkward note when the nurse was taking my bp and casually asked if I'd had my first mammogram yet, now that I'm 40. I took a breath and had to explain my situation. She got a bit defensive and asked who ordered my mammogram and why the GYN office wasn't informed. I told her my primary doctor ordered it and received all the results.
Then I was placed in the examination room where I was instructed to disrobe. The CRNP came in and asked for more information about the breast cancer so I filled her in on all the details. She wrote it all down in my chart. I was amazed that my chart was at least 4 inches thick. I guess that's what happens after you have 3 pregnancies, 2 losses and a miracle. There was a sticker of a heart with a bandaid on the front of my file. I asked the nurse about it and she said it informed the staff that the patient lost a child and to be sensitive with words and actions. I thought that was kinda sweet.
Anyway, the nurse proceeded to do a breast exam which I thought was silly. She admitted that there was no reason for her to do it but it didn't hurt anything so oh well. I felt a little weird showing my scars to someone new but again, oh well.
She tried to do an internal but felt uncomfortable pushing down on my stomach so she wrote me a script for a pelvic ultrasound. She also informed me that since I am now 40 I'll be getting annual rectal exams. Yippee! The joys of getting older.
On my way home from the GYN I stopped by my primary doctor's office for a quick blood test. Keep your fingers crossed that everything looks fine and my potassium and glucose levels are normal.
I also called to make an appt for the ultrasound and the scheduling person gave me a hard time because the CRNP didn't note a procedure code. The script stated 'unable to assess abdomen due to recent surgery' and there's no official code for that. I called the GYN office looking for the code and they told me to just list 'body habitus' which should be self explanatory. I made the mistake of googling 'body habitus' and winced as all the results mentioned obesity. I'm not obese!
My appt is scheduled for Monday morning. The results better be normal, let me tell you. I know I can handle bad news, I just don't want to.
Tonight I'm picking up Val and heading over to Kel's for a chick bonding session with chili, cosmos and karaoke. The working moms will be there to celebrate Val and Kel's birthdays as well as Carrie's benign biopsy results. Tomorrow morning Cha and I are driving down to DC to spend the weekend with my parents.
It's a good life.
We talked a bit about nipple reconstruction and I mentioned that I was thinking of just going with a tattoo. He pretty much told me no. I am afraid of getting the headlights permanently on look and he assured me that he can make them very subtle and guaranteed that I'd be happy with the results. He's been good to me so far so I'll do as he says.
I still have a significant amount of hardness in both my breasts and my tummy. I have what looks like a golf ball in my lower abdomen that isn't going away. When my breasts soften up a bit more I'll go back in for the stage 2 operation where Dr. S will move things around and make them pretty. He'll also lipo that golf ball so it will be nice and flat. That will probably be in July. Six weeks later I'll go in and he'll create the nipples, followed by the tattoo in another month and a half. My body should be fully re-sculptured and healed by Thanksgiving which will make it one year since the bad mammogram.
It was a fantastic appointment and I am really looking forward to putting it all behind me. I thanked Dr. S a dozen times today. I am so grateful for his genius.
My second appt of the day wasn't quite as successful. I had my annual checkup with my GYN. Ugh! It started off on an awkward note when the nurse was taking my bp and casually asked if I'd had my first mammogram yet, now that I'm 40. I took a breath and had to explain my situation. She got a bit defensive and asked who ordered my mammogram and why the GYN office wasn't informed. I told her my primary doctor ordered it and received all the results.
Then I was placed in the examination room where I was instructed to disrobe. The CRNP came in and asked for more information about the breast cancer so I filled her in on all the details. She wrote it all down in my chart. I was amazed that my chart was at least 4 inches thick. I guess that's what happens after you have 3 pregnancies, 2 losses and a miracle. There was a sticker of a heart with a bandaid on the front of my file. I asked the nurse about it and she said it informed the staff that the patient lost a child and to be sensitive with words and actions. I thought that was kinda sweet.
Anyway, the nurse proceeded to do a breast exam which I thought was silly. She admitted that there was no reason for her to do it but it didn't hurt anything so oh well. I felt a little weird showing my scars to someone new but again, oh well.
She tried to do an internal but felt uncomfortable pushing down on my stomach so she wrote me a script for a pelvic ultrasound. She also informed me that since I am now 40 I'll be getting annual rectal exams. Yippee! The joys of getting older.
On my way home from the GYN I stopped by my primary doctor's office for a quick blood test. Keep your fingers crossed that everything looks fine and my potassium and glucose levels are normal.
I also called to make an appt for the ultrasound and the scheduling person gave me a hard time because the CRNP didn't note a procedure code. The script stated 'unable to assess abdomen due to recent surgery' and there's no official code for that. I called the GYN office looking for the code and they told me to just list 'body habitus' which should be self explanatory. I made the mistake of googling 'body habitus' and winced as all the results mentioned obesity. I'm not obese!
My appt is scheduled for Monday morning. The results better be normal, let me tell you. I know I can handle bad news, I just don't want to.
Tonight I'm picking up Val and heading over to Kel's for a chick bonding session with chili, cosmos and karaoke. The working moms will be there to celebrate Val and Kel's birthdays as well as Carrie's benign biopsy results. Tomorrow morning Cha and I are driving down to DC to spend the weekend with my parents.
It's a good life.
'They used it'
The kitties are obviously upset with me for going back to work. This is the mess I woke up to this morning.
Matt left the bag of litter just outside the basement door. That's the last time he'll do that. Matt and I both gasped when we first saw it: 'OMG, they used it.'
What a wonderful way to start your morning.
Here are a couple of redeeming pictures:
Pete and Olivia
Matt left the bag of litter just outside the basement door. That's the last time he'll do that. Matt and I both gasped when we first saw it: 'OMG, they used it.'
What a wonderful way to start your morning.
Here are a couple of redeeming pictures:
Pete and Olivia
Evil Kitty and her new toy
Thursday, March 27, 2008
just a little hurt
I'm not sure which hurts more, the fact that people in the company were talking about the chance that I wouldn't come back and angling for my job, or the person who thought it was important to tell me about it.
I will not get sucked into petty office politics but it still stings that there are people out there who weren't wishing me well.
I will not get sucked into petty office politics but it still stings that there are people out there who weren't wishing me well.
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