I snuck in pictures of my breast from the second surgery to the last one. I really wish I had taken a picture after the very first surgery. My chest looked even worse than it did the second week. I like to look back on these pictures to see how far I've come.
They are here. View at your own risk, and please don't flag me for content. Technically they aren't really breast shots. It's my belly moved up to my chest.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
Brangelina had a penguin
I'm having trouble sleeping and when I do manage to sleep I have the most bizarre dreams. Last night I dreamed that I was best friends with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and they asked me to announce to the world the birth of their newborn baby penguin. Very weird.
The appt with Dr. S was quick and simple today. I sent him a thank you card after Thanksgiving telling him he'd always be in my top five Thanksgiving heroes. He told me he appreciated the kind words. Then he brought out a Christmas card one of his other patients sent him. She had the same reconstruction procedure that I did and after her final surgery she had a shirt made up that said "Breasts Designed by Dr. David Singer". She's made them for a few other of his patients and they're also sending in pictures. I think I'm going to have to hunt her down and get my hands on one. I'm glad I'm not the only one who recognizes his genius!
As for the check up, things look good. I asked about the lack of feeling again and he said it could take 18 months to two years, or it might never come back. I'm okay with it but just wanted to make sure it was normal. I also asked him about the area on the side of my right breast that causes so much pain. He says it's scar tissue and if it continues to be a problem he'll go in and rip out all the bad tissue (okay, maybe he didn't say rip out, that's just the way I'm remembering it). I might take him up on it. The tattoos are scheduled for next March. If I'm still having as much trouble then I'll have him take care of it.
After my appt I had lunch with Maura, who is one of his other patients. We had a nice chat and were both celebrating having it all behind us. She had her tattoos done a few weeks ago and is very pleased with the results. I trust that I'll be just as happy with mine.
The appt with Dr. S was quick and simple today. I sent him a thank you card after Thanksgiving telling him he'd always be in my top five Thanksgiving heroes. He told me he appreciated the kind words. Then he brought out a Christmas card one of his other patients sent him. She had the same reconstruction procedure that I did and after her final surgery she had a shirt made up that said "Breasts Designed by Dr. David Singer". She's made them for a few other of his patients and they're also sending in pictures. I think I'm going to have to hunt her down and get my hands on one. I'm glad I'm not the only one who recognizes his genius!
As for the check up, things look good. I asked about the lack of feeling again and he said it could take 18 months to two years, or it might never come back. I'm okay with it but just wanted to make sure it was normal. I also asked him about the area on the side of my right breast that causes so much pain. He says it's scar tissue and if it continues to be a problem he'll go in and rip out all the bad tissue (okay, maybe he didn't say rip out, that's just the way I'm remembering it). I might take him up on it. The tattoos are scheduled for next March. If I'm still having as much trouble then I'll have him take care of it.
After my appt I had lunch with Maura, who is one of his other patients. We had a nice chat and were both celebrating having it all behind us. She had her tattoos done a few weeks ago and is very pleased with the results. I trust that I'll be just as happy with mine.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
a lady at the park
Matt and I took Cha to the park today. We took a long walk (for her) and then headed to the playground. We met another dad who had a daughter Cha's age. The other girl acknowledged Cha but didn't want to play. Her father said she's home with her mom all day and doesn't play much with other kids.
The five of us decided to walk over to another area of the park where there were more slides and swings. We chatted with the other dad on the way. He's in town visiting his in-laws for the holidays. They have a newborn and his wife needed a break so he and his daughter were out giving the woman some quiet time.
At the other side of the park another family showed up. They had been out walking with the stroller and decided to stop so their two kids could run around. As playground etiquette requires, Matt tried to make small talk with the other couple.
The woman was wearing a Race for the Cure tshirt. It said Denver 2002 so Matt asked if she regularly participates in the race. She simply said 'Yes'. Matt pointed to me and said 'My wife's a survivor.' which garnered even less of a response. The woman didn't look at me or say a word. Strange.
She and her husband were not the friendliest. They put up with our darling Cha trying to play with their kids but tried to steer them clear of her. They had a dog who was leashed and muzzled. Cha tried to pet him but the dad pulled him away from her.
I wonder about people like that. Based on their toddler gear and children's names I would imagine them to be progressive parents. Don't they realize that their kids are learning how to socialize by watching their parents? Do they know what kind of lesson they are teaching? Bah humbug to them!
Let's just hope she raised lots of money for the Cure.
The five of us decided to walk over to another area of the park where there were more slides and swings. We chatted with the other dad on the way. He's in town visiting his in-laws for the holidays. They have a newborn and his wife needed a break so he and his daughter were out giving the woman some quiet time.
At the other side of the park another family showed up. They had been out walking with the stroller and decided to stop so their two kids could run around. As playground etiquette requires, Matt tried to make small talk with the other couple.
The woman was wearing a Race for the Cure tshirt. It said Denver 2002 so Matt asked if she regularly participates in the race. She simply said 'Yes'. Matt pointed to me and said 'My wife's a survivor.' which garnered even less of a response. The woman didn't look at me or say a word. Strange.
She and her husband were not the friendliest. They put up with our darling Cha trying to play with their kids but tried to steer them clear of her. They had a dog who was leashed and muzzled. Cha tried to pet him but the dad pulled him away from her.
I wonder about people like that. Based on their toddler gear and children's names I would imagine them to be progressive parents. Don't they realize that their kids are learning how to socialize by watching their parents? Do they know what kind of lesson they are teaching? Bah humbug to them!
Let's just hope she raised lots of money for the Cure.
Dr. Appt tomorrow
I've got an appt with Dr. S tomorrow morning. It's just a post-surgical follow up. Things are healing nicely so I'm sure it will be a quick visit. I've got a few questions for him tho. I want to know when, if ever, I'll get feeling back in my stomach. Right after the surgery I had no feeling in my shoulder blades but little by little the nerves reconnected and it's all good now. But, there is no increased feeling in my abdomen at all. It feels just as dead as it was nearly a year ago. It doesn't bother me much but it's an odd sensation.
I also have these sharp pains in my breasts. They hurt a little bit every day. The pain can be so bad that sometimes I feel like they'll knock me flat on my back. I don't know what that pain is but I want to know when it will end.
The great news is that there are some areas where the incision scars are nearly completely faded. I've got to post some pictures so you can see what I'm talking about. I am hopeful that in another year they'll all be barely visable.
After the new year I am going to talk to Dr. M about coming off Lexapro. The withdrawal is bad and it's worse the longer you're on it, so I want to see if I can survive on my own. I've gone a whole week without taking any medication but the Lexapro and I look forward to the day when I don't have to take anything.
Lexapro causes weight gain and for as much as I've lost this year, and as much as my body has changed, I have been gaining. And one of the terrible things about liposuction is that you cannot gain weight in spots where it's been sucked out. So when I gain weight it shows up in weird places which makes wearing clothes uncomfortable.
While I'm on the topic of clothes I want to share a bit of my frustration with the clothing industry. Buying clothes is a nightmare and it's impossible to shop based on sizing alone. I have a dozen pair of pants sized 14 to 24 and they all fit. I tried on one pair of pants in a store and they were super big. I tried on the next size down and I could barely get them on. How does that happen?
Bras are even worse. I hate trying them on in the store because I have fears of people popping in the dressing room and seeing my sliced up body. So, I buy bras and try them on when I get home. I have been measured and told that I am a 42C. Not a full C but certainly not a B. But, if I go into a store and buy a hand full of bras sized 42C chances are that half of them will not fit. I bought a 44C last week and when I brought it home it barely fit around me. I'm wearing a 42C right now that seems to be a too big and not supportive.
I've taken to wearing padded bras, something I have never done. The 'turkey poppers' that Dr. S promised that he wouldn't give me are there. They show thru my shirts and I am very self conscious about them. Padded bras cover them up. They were worse two weeks ago so I know they'll look more natural in time but for now I am terribly embarrassed bythem. Maybe I'd feel different if I didn't work in a predominantly male environment.
Anyway...that's the update for now. I'm sure Dr. S will shed some light on a few things tomorrow so I'll post what he says. The next and final step is tattooing some color on those turkey poppers. It's a simple five minute procedure but I have no idea when we'll do it.
I also have these sharp pains in my breasts. They hurt a little bit every day. The pain can be so bad that sometimes I feel like they'll knock me flat on my back. I don't know what that pain is but I want to know when it will end.
The great news is that there are some areas where the incision scars are nearly completely faded. I've got to post some pictures so you can see what I'm talking about. I am hopeful that in another year they'll all be barely visable.
After the new year I am going to talk to Dr. M about coming off Lexapro. The withdrawal is bad and it's worse the longer you're on it, so I want to see if I can survive on my own. I've gone a whole week without taking any medication but the Lexapro and I look forward to the day when I don't have to take anything.
Lexapro causes weight gain and for as much as I've lost this year, and as much as my body has changed, I have been gaining. And one of the terrible things about liposuction is that you cannot gain weight in spots where it's been sucked out. So when I gain weight it shows up in weird places which makes wearing clothes uncomfortable.
While I'm on the topic of clothes I want to share a bit of my frustration with the clothing industry. Buying clothes is a nightmare and it's impossible to shop based on sizing alone. I have a dozen pair of pants sized 14 to 24 and they all fit. I tried on one pair of pants in a store and they were super big. I tried on the next size down and I could barely get them on. How does that happen?
Bras are even worse. I hate trying them on in the store because I have fears of people popping in the dressing room and seeing my sliced up body. So, I buy bras and try them on when I get home. I have been measured and told that I am a 42C. Not a full C but certainly not a B. But, if I go into a store and buy a hand full of bras sized 42C chances are that half of them will not fit. I bought a 44C last week and when I brought it home it barely fit around me. I'm wearing a 42C right now that seems to be a too big and not supportive.
I've taken to wearing padded bras, something I have never done. The 'turkey poppers' that Dr. S promised that he wouldn't give me are there. They show thru my shirts and I am very self conscious about them. Padded bras cover them up. They were worse two weeks ago so I know they'll look more natural in time but for now I am terribly embarrassed bythem. Maybe I'd feel different if I didn't work in a predominantly male environment.
Anyway...that's the update for now. I'm sure Dr. S will shed some light on a few things tomorrow so I'll post what he says. The next and final step is tattooing some color on those turkey poppers. It's a simple five minute procedure but I have no idea when we'll do it.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Merry Christmas!
Another magical Christmas in the Jenkins-Crocker household. This year has been extra special since my spirits are up and Cha is understanding things more. We had dinner at Uncle Mike's last night and spent today at home opening and playing with presents. Mimi and Pa stopped by for a few and dropped off gifts. It was a wonderful day. I wish more days were like this.
Christmas Eve at Uncle Mike and Aunt Naomi's. Cha had fun running around with the boys.
I think she had a bit of a crush on Trever, who said he couldn't play with her because he was 6 and had a mustache.
Pop Pop, Naomi's brother Lenny, and Uncle Mike
Her new dog and Tigger playing with her new racetrack
This is why I was re-decorating the tree every single day.
Here's Tig enjoying Cha's new racetrack. Nothing really happens other than the kitty catching the cars. If you're not a cat fanatic you won't fully enjoy it. To me it's as peaceful as one of those indoor water fountains. I can watch it for hours.
I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas!
Monday, December 22, 2008
Can you stand a few more pictures?
I am so excited about Christmas this year. Everything about it makes me smile and I can't stop singing Christmas carols. Only three more days!
Tonight I finished hanging Christmas cards. Charlotte helped and then she, Matt, the kitties and I had a little photo session. Please ignore the sad state of the walls. They are in dire need of paint. It's on the never ending honey-do list. That's what you get for buying a fixer-upper.
Showing off our cards:
Matt and Cha and The Family Guy:
Okay this is weird. I've lost count of the times friends have commented on how Cha and I are dressed alike. I promise you it's not intended and I never really know I'm doing it unless someone points it out. I just noticed that she and I are dressed alike again here. She's in her daycare clothes and I had just changed into my comfy clothes. At least this time we aren't wearing exactly the same color, which happens quite often. Anyway, here we are with Tig and Ria.
Tonight I finished hanging Christmas cards. Charlotte helped and then she, Matt, the kitties and I had a little photo session. Please ignore the sad state of the walls. They are in dire need of paint. It's on the never ending honey-do list. That's what you get for buying a fixer-upper.
Showing off our cards:
Matt and Cha and The Family Guy:
Okay this is weird. I've lost count of the times friends have commented on how Cha and I are dressed alike. I promise you it's not intended and I never really know I'm doing it unless someone points it out. I just noticed that she and I are dressed alike again here. She's in her daycare clothes and I had just changed into my comfy clothes. At least this time we aren't wearing exactly the same color, which happens quite often. Anyway, here we are with Tig and Ria.
The What Ifs
I've been playing the What If game for at least 30 years. What if we move to a new school and the kids hate me? What if I color my hair and it all falls out? What if I take this job and they fire me a week later?
One thing I've learned is that it's never as bad as I imagine it to be, even when it is really, really bad. A year ago I was shaking in fear over my upcoming mammogram. I was crying days beforehand, knowing that it wasn't going to be good news. I was right, it wasn't good news but it wasn't nearly as bad as I feared. Sure, it was bad but I survived.
When I first came home from the hospital after my surgery I could barely take the stairs. I wasn't sleeping well and had to take pain pills and antibiotics several times a night. I remember standing in the bathroom on the first floor emptying my drains and taking my meds thinking how lucky I was that we moved into this house. It set me off on a course of backward what-if thinking to see where it all started.
If we didn't move into the townhouse in June '07 we wouldn't have a 1st floor bathroom that would serve as my midnight refuge. We also wouldn't have a spare bedroom for my mother, my niece and Tobi to stay in while they visited.
If we didn't move in June '07 I am pretty certain that we wouldn't have moved at all. My condo sold super quick, which gave us a nice down payment for the townhouse. If I waited another year the market would have crashed and we would have been stuck with the condo, or had been forced to sell it at a reduce price. And who knows if I would have ever been able to qualify for a mortgage this year. I got the mortgage on my own and as we all know, banks are much more strict these days. I'm betting they wouldn't have been too kind to me.
If I didn't meet Kelly, a new member of the mom's group who just happened to be a realtor, I never would have thought of selling at that point.
If I never started the mom's group, I never would have met Kelly, and the many, many other wonderful women who helped me out during my recovery. I can't imagine having to deal with the cancer and recovery without a fantastic circle of friends.
If the local Mom's Clubs didn't diss me, saying their membership was restricted to stay at home moms, I never would have started my own mom's club for working mothers.
If I never had my darling daughter, I never would have needed a mom's club.
If Matt and I had broken up for the fifth time and actually stayed broken up, I never would have had my beautiful little girl who I was able to breastfeed.
If I failed to answer Matt's odd response to my personal ad way back in June 2001 I never would have met him.
And, if my first husband and I didn't separate in 2000 I wouldn't have been on the dating scene. (Just as Matt wouldn't be on the prowl if he and his first wife didn't separate in 2001.)
So, something as depressing as a divorce kicked off a string of events that brought all these wonderful people into my life. And it allowed me to be exactly where I needed to be when cancer found me, in the 1st floor bathroom draining fluids from my body.
Interesting. Let's see what fun the cancer recovery brings.
One thing I've learned is that it's never as bad as I imagine it to be, even when it is really, really bad. A year ago I was shaking in fear over my upcoming mammogram. I was crying days beforehand, knowing that it wasn't going to be good news. I was right, it wasn't good news but it wasn't nearly as bad as I feared. Sure, it was bad but I survived.
When I first came home from the hospital after my surgery I could barely take the stairs. I wasn't sleeping well and had to take pain pills and antibiotics several times a night. I remember standing in the bathroom on the first floor emptying my drains and taking my meds thinking how lucky I was that we moved into this house. It set me off on a course of backward what-if thinking to see where it all started.
If we didn't move into the townhouse in June '07 we wouldn't have a 1st floor bathroom that would serve as my midnight refuge. We also wouldn't have a spare bedroom for my mother, my niece and Tobi to stay in while they visited.
If we didn't move in June '07 I am pretty certain that we wouldn't have moved at all. My condo sold super quick, which gave us a nice down payment for the townhouse. If I waited another year the market would have crashed and we would have been stuck with the condo, or had been forced to sell it at a reduce price. And who knows if I would have ever been able to qualify for a mortgage this year. I got the mortgage on my own and as we all know, banks are much more strict these days. I'm betting they wouldn't have been too kind to me.
If I didn't meet Kelly, a new member of the mom's group who just happened to be a realtor, I never would have thought of selling at that point.
If I never started the mom's group, I never would have met Kelly, and the many, many other wonderful women who helped me out during my recovery. I can't imagine having to deal with the cancer and recovery without a fantastic circle of friends.
If the local Mom's Clubs didn't diss me, saying their membership was restricted to stay at home moms, I never would have started my own mom's club for working mothers.
If I never had my darling daughter, I never would have needed a mom's club.
If Matt and I had broken up for the fifth time and actually stayed broken up, I never would have had my beautiful little girl who I was able to breastfeed.
If I failed to answer Matt's odd response to my personal ad way back in June 2001 I never would have met him.
And, if my first husband and I didn't separate in 2000 I wouldn't have been on the dating scene. (Just as Matt wouldn't be on the prowl if he and his first wife didn't separate in 2001.)
So, something as depressing as a divorce kicked off a string of events that brought all these wonderful people into my life. And it allowed me to be exactly where I needed to be when cancer found me, in the 1st floor bathroom draining fluids from my body.
Interesting. Let's see what fun the cancer recovery brings.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Update on an early bedtime
As I mentioned last night, Matt was wonderful and told me to go to bed early. The plan was to check email, post some pics and blog then turn off the lights. I got all the way to the lights being out and five minutes of shut eye when Cha came storming in the room. Matt had the audacity to suggest bedtime and Cha ran to me to complain. (She likes to tell on us and send us to time out. Three year olds are challenging.)
I got out of bed and started a bath to help her mellow. Unfortunately, this had the opposite effect. She danced and sang in the tub and then proceeded to run around the second floor naked and wet. She was totally wired and it had nothing to do with food or drink.
We managed to calm her down a bit and get her dressed but she still wasn't ready to sleep. It ended with me staying up with her until after midnight. She would lay down in bed and close her eyes but I think she's got a touch of my insomnia. She really tried to sleep but it just wasn't happening. So, my early bedtime turned into another late night. Oh well.
I got out of bed and started a bath to help her mellow. Unfortunately, this had the opposite effect. She danced and sang in the tub and then proceeded to run around the second floor naked and wet. She was totally wired and it had nothing to do with food or drink.
We managed to calm her down a bit and get her dressed but she still wasn't ready to sleep. It ended with me staying up with her until after midnight. She would lay down in bed and close her eyes but I think she's got a touch of my insomnia. She really tried to sleep but it just wasn't happening. So, my early bedtime turned into another late night. Oh well.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Two Days of Holiday Cheer
It's been a busy couple of days. Yesterday we had our holiday luncheon at work, followed by happy hour at a local bar. Since my fantastic company isn't keen on celebrating or even recognizing Christmas we held a Happy Release Party to celebrate a recent product release.
CAD hosted our second annual Chinese Auction (I think that's what it's called?) where everyone brings a gift and draws a number. The lowest number gets to select a gift and the following person can either steal that gift or unwrap another. Watching a room full of developers juiced up on beer and bickering over dollar store crap was more fun than I've had all year (as seen in the oh so flattering picture below).
There was a great turnout for happy hour and I got to spend time with some old friends. I don't think I say nearly enough how much my co-workers mean to me. There's something magical about that bunch.
Here's the disco ball on the food table. We had more food than we could eat and being I am trying to watch my sugar intake it was hard to pass up all those cakes and cookies (but I did!) I had some super yummy but very spicy Indian food instead. I think I've got a crush on samosas.
Under normal circumstances I would rip this picture to shreds and destroy all digital copies I could get my hands on. However, this is probably the happiest I've been all year and that laugh felt good. The chuckles resulted from trying to toss a Starbucks giftcard across the room and somehow getting it stuck in the ceiling. What are the odds?
The scene of the crime. Nothing says fancy like a sparsely decorated training room.
And a room full of peeps in varying stages of sobriety fighting over the following gifts. Please note, when a gift goes out of it's way to say Pick Me, just move along.
Happy Hour at the Park Ridge hotel. This is CAD, Bossman and I lifting a glass for Derek, who was virtually celebrating in California.
After yesterday's festivities I thought I was all holiday-d out, but I was gifted with an hour at Cha's holiday party at school. Santa, Christmas, and all the traditional holiday songs were embraced. It felt odd for the school to so openly wish everyone a Merry Christmas given the diversity of the students.
Here's Cha and Daddy enjoying some tasty treats. I was good and concentrated on the popcorn and pretzels but boy did those cookies look tempting.
After Cha's party we stopped at Max and Erma's for dinner and some nice family time. Matt and I are both exhausted from a very long week. When we got home tonight he told me I could head up to bed and he'd put Cha to sleep. I stayed downstairs for an hour or so to clean the kitchen and get things put away. As I was cleaning up the dining room I found this sweet scene:
I thought how wonderful it was that the kitties love the tree so much. Two minutes later I walked upstairs and hopped into bed, where I'm currently sitting with all four cats snuggled up beside me. How is it that they know where I'm headed even before I get there? Wherever I am in the house they have to be in the same area watching me. It's comforting but I little spooky sometimes.
Anyway, it's been a great couple of days and we have more fun planned for this weekend. Tomorrow the local library is having a reading of a ballerina book and the kids are encouraged to dress up. So, Cha will be putting on her favorite dance clothes and playing with friends. Afterwards we'll be celebrating Cait's 3rd birthday. We're praying for snow on Sunday so we can get out and do a little sledding.
Happy Friday everyone. It feels great to be upbeat for a change.
CAD hosted our second annual Chinese Auction (I think that's what it's called?) where everyone brings a gift and draws a number. The lowest number gets to select a gift and the following person can either steal that gift or unwrap another. Watching a room full of developers juiced up on beer and bickering over dollar store crap was more fun than I've had all year (as seen in the oh so flattering picture below).
There was a great turnout for happy hour and I got to spend time with some old friends. I don't think I say nearly enough how much my co-workers mean to me. There's something magical about that bunch.
Here's the disco ball on the food table. We had more food than we could eat and being I am trying to watch my sugar intake it was hard to pass up all those cakes and cookies (but I did!) I had some super yummy but very spicy Indian food instead. I think I've got a crush on samosas.
Under normal circumstances I would rip this picture to shreds and destroy all digital copies I could get my hands on. However, this is probably the happiest I've been all year and that laugh felt good. The chuckles resulted from trying to toss a Starbucks giftcard across the room and somehow getting it stuck in the ceiling. What are the odds?
The scene of the crime. Nothing says fancy like a sparsely decorated training room.
And a room full of peeps in varying stages of sobriety fighting over the following gifts. Please note, when a gift goes out of it's way to say Pick Me, just move along.
Happy Hour at the Park Ridge hotel. This is CAD, Bossman and I lifting a glass for Derek, who was virtually celebrating in California.
After yesterday's festivities I thought I was all holiday-d out, but I was gifted with an hour at Cha's holiday party at school. Santa, Christmas, and all the traditional holiday songs were embraced. It felt odd for the school to so openly wish everyone a Merry Christmas given the diversity of the students.
Here's Cha and Daddy enjoying some tasty treats. I was good and concentrated on the popcorn and pretzels but boy did those cookies look tempting.
After Cha's party we stopped at Max and Erma's for dinner and some nice family time. Matt and I are both exhausted from a very long week. When we got home tonight he told me I could head up to bed and he'd put Cha to sleep. I stayed downstairs for an hour or so to clean the kitchen and get things put away. As I was cleaning up the dining room I found this sweet scene:
I thought how wonderful it was that the kitties love the tree so much. Two minutes later I walked upstairs and hopped into bed, where I'm currently sitting with all four cats snuggled up beside me. How is it that they know where I'm headed even before I get there? Wherever I am in the house they have to be in the same area watching me. It's comforting but I little spooky sometimes.
Anyway, it's been a great couple of days and we have more fun planned for this weekend. Tomorrow the local library is having a reading of a ballerina book and the kids are encouraged to dress up. So, Cha will be putting on her favorite dance clothes and playing with friends. Afterwards we'll be celebrating Cait's 3rd birthday. We're praying for snow on Sunday so we can get out and do a little sledding.
Happy Friday everyone. It feels great to be upbeat for a change.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Good News / Bad News
The good news is that I'm getting feeling back in my chest and abdomen.
The bad news is that Holy Crap! I'm getting feeling back in my chest and abdomen!! Yee-ouch!
My nipples hurt all.the.time. They are red and swollen and feel hot. I don't think it's due to an infection, more so from friction of my bras and camisoles. They are an oopy, goopy mess and even tho I lather them up with Neosporin and cover them with non-stick bandages, they still stick. When I twist or turn the friction irritates the wounds so they are slow to heal.
I trimmed down the stitches yesterday. There are dozens of them and they were getting stuck on my bra. So if I reached for something and a stitch was stuck in my bra it would pull, which causes the most intense pain. Several times it brought tears to my eyes. I'm not used to having feeling in my chest and it's kind of a bummer that the first sensation I have is agonizing.
The incisions in my groin are still painful as well. They run right along the panty line and you can imagine the constant friction from walking, standing, crossing your legs or even just sitting. The incisions opened up in a couple spots too. Per Dr. S. I've been putting Neosporin on them as well but I think if they don't start looking better I'm going to go in and have him take a look.
So the good news is that my body is healing, but the bad news is that it's still pretty ticked at me.
On an unrelated note, Matt had a good news / bad news day of his own today. Things are moving in the right direction finally, but at a very slow pace. On the way home from work today I was overcome with excitement over the thought of Cha meeting her big brother for the first time. That's a picture I simply cannot wait to share!
The bad news is that Holy Crap! I'm getting feeling back in my chest and abdomen!! Yee-ouch!
My nipples hurt all.the.time. They are red and swollen and feel hot. I don't think it's due to an infection, more so from friction of my bras and camisoles. They are an oopy, goopy mess and even tho I lather them up with Neosporin and cover them with non-stick bandages, they still stick. When I twist or turn the friction irritates the wounds so they are slow to heal.
I trimmed down the stitches yesterday. There are dozens of them and they were getting stuck on my bra. So if I reached for something and a stitch was stuck in my bra it would pull, which causes the most intense pain. Several times it brought tears to my eyes. I'm not used to having feeling in my chest and it's kind of a bummer that the first sensation I have is agonizing.
The incisions in my groin are still painful as well. They run right along the panty line and you can imagine the constant friction from walking, standing, crossing your legs or even just sitting. The incisions opened up in a couple spots too. Per Dr. S. I've been putting Neosporin on them as well but I think if they don't start looking better I'm going to go in and have him take a look.
So the good news is that my body is healing, but the bad news is that it's still pretty ticked at me.
On an unrelated note, Matt had a good news / bad news day of his own today. Things are moving in the right direction finally, but at a very slow pace. On the way home from work today I was overcome with excitement over the thought of Cha meeting her big brother for the first time. That's a picture I simply cannot wait to share!
Monday, December 1, 2008
work was good
I was gung ho first thing in the morning. I was chipper and peppy and all those other happy adjectives containing double 'p's.
Then about 11:00 I hit the wall. My body started to ache something fierce. My stomach, my chest, even my ankles, they were all in pain. By 11:30 I was exhausted. It hurt to stand up and walk to the printer and I had no energy to do it anyway.
I did manage to finish the day and accomplished quite a bit. I longed to come home, jump into some comfortable clothes and pop a pain pill. Instead I picked up Cha and sat in traffic for an hour while the Pennsylvania drivers practiced driving in the rain for the 10th year in a row. Then I got home, realized that I had to refill my prescription so I threw on some sweats and headed to the pharmacy. Cha wouldn't let me leave the house without her so I bundled her up, dragged her out and chased her around the store before coming back home and hearing her complain that she didn't want the pasta that daddy made her, she wanted hot dogs. Three hot dogs. She announced that she needed a bath and screamed when Matt said he would give her one. She only wanted me and clung to me like a wart. We walked upstairs and I was finally able to take a pain pill but I had yet to sit down and relax. I started Cha's bath, paid a few bills, made a few phone calls, and then tried to zone out Cha screaming in her room while Matt put her to bed. An hour later the three of us were crabby and no one was sleeping. I walked downstairs to finally get myself something to eat (yum, leftover turkey again!). Matt and Cha fought on the second floor and I sat down with the kitties and ate. Here it is 11:20 and the house if finally quiet and I've got to pull the energy together to drag myself upstairs to bed. Altho, I've grown used to sleeping on the couch. The kitties have already warmed up a spot for me.
Tomorrow I've got to bring a bottle of Advil to work so I can enjoy the peace and quiet of the office.
Then about 11:00 I hit the wall. My body started to ache something fierce. My stomach, my chest, even my ankles, they were all in pain. By 11:30 I was exhausted. It hurt to stand up and walk to the printer and I had no energy to do it anyway.
I did manage to finish the day and accomplished quite a bit. I longed to come home, jump into some comfortable clothes and pop a pain pill. Instead I picked up Cha and sat in traffic for an hour while the Pennsylvania drivers practiced driving in the rain for the 10th year in a row. Then I got home, realized that I had to refill my prescription so I threw on some sweats and headed to the pharmacy. Cha wouldn't let me leave the house without her so I bundled her up, dragged her out and chased her around the store before coming back home and hearing her complain that she didn't want the pasta that daddy made her, she wanted hot dogs. Three hot dogs. She announced that she needed a bath and screamed when Matt said he would give her one. She only wanted me and clung to me like a wart. We walked upstairs and I was finally able to take a pain pill but I had yet to sit down and relax. I started Cha's bath, paid a few bills, made a few phone calls, and then tried to zone out Cha screaming in her room while Matt put her to bed. An hour later the three of us were crabby and no one was sleeping. I walked downstairs to finally get myself something to eat (yum, leftover turkey again!). Matt and Cha fought on the second floor and I sat down with the kitties and ate. Here it is 11:20 and the house if finally quiet and I've got to pull the energy together to drag myself upstairs to bed. Altho, I've grown used to sleeping on the couch. The kitties have already warmed up a spot for me.
Tomorrow I've got to bring a bottle of Advil to work so I can enjoy the peace and quiet of the office.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Feeling Grrreat!
It's Sunday night and I'm heading back to work tomorrow morning. I've got to say that I'm feeling great both mentally and physically. Woo Hoo! It's about time.
We put the tree up this weekend and checked off a dozen items on our home project list. My dear friend Rachel freecycle'd us a beautiful armoire that she's no longer using. Uncle Mike was awesome and helped Matt carry it up and down two flights of stairs. It looks beautiful on our landing and I actually had fun organizing our linens.
I love having extra energy to get things done and I pray it continues.
We put the tree up this weekend and checked off a dozen items on our home project list. My dear friend Rachel freecycle'd us a beautiful armoire that she's no longer using. Uncle Mike was awesome and helped Matt carry it up and down two flights of stairs. It looks beautiful on our landing and I actually had fun organizing our linens.
I love having extra energy to get things done and I pray it continues.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Braggy and a bit Controversal
My friend Val has a daughter who will be three in a couple of weeks. Little Cait uses a hearing aid but I am hesitant to ever refer to her as even the least bit disabled. The kid's got a huge personality and never lets anything or anyone hold her back.
Because of her hearing loss she receives extra attention in regards to her development. She recently took some early intervention tests, I guess to see what she'll need before she starts kindergarten. Val was shocked that her little two year old tested at the six year old level. She knows her colors, numbers, letters and clearly answered questions and processed information.
Val thinks it was a faulty test or a fluke. I think the tests are antiquated. Most of the women in my working moms group have their children in daycare facilities that teach a curriculum. Cha brings home a homework folder ever Monday and she receives report cards several times a year. Her school teaches her things that honestly I don't think I would have thought of if I was a stay at home mom. Sure, I can teach her right from wrong, being compassionate and caring towards others and how to snuggle four kitties without making any of them feel left out. However, I don't think I have the skill set to come up with a proper lesson plan for a toddler every day.
Daycare kids have a tremendous head start on kindergarten and first grade. They are familiar with the school setting and know what's expected of them socially. In most cases they know the alphabet, numbers, can recite their full names and addresses and have already begun to read. This certainly doesn't make them better people but as far as testing is concerned I can absolutely see how a near-3 year old would test at a 6 year level.
Cha blows me away every day with the new things she's learned. Today she drew detailed pictures of a fish and a snowman. She also lined up all her stuffed animals and played school. She stood in front of her class proclaiming 'Now boys and girls, listen up as I tell a story.' Then she went on to tell this very imaginative (and somewhat baffling) story about a boy and a princess.
While people who are anti-daycare will complain that they don't want anyone else to raise their children, they don't understand the difference between parenting and providing care. Cha has an incredible bond with my parents and Matt's parents. She doesn't see them on a daily basis but she loves them just the same and she knows the difference between her teachers and her family.
Because of her hearing loss she receives extra attention in regards to her development. She recently took some early intervention tests, I guess to see what she'll need before she starts kindergarten. Val was shocked that her little two year old tested at the six year old level. She knows her colors, numbers, letters and clearly answered questions and processed information.
Val thinks it was a faulty test or a fluke. I think the tests are antiquated. Most of the women in my working moms group have their children in daycare facilities that teach a curriculum. Cha brings home a homework folder ever Monday and she receives report cards several times a year. Her school teaches her things that honestly I don't think I would have thought of if I was a stay at home mom. Sure, I can teach her right from wrong, being compassionate and caring towards others and how to snuggle four kitties without making any of them feel left out. However, I don't think I have the skill set to come up with a proper lesson plan for a toddler every day.
Daycare kids have a tremendous head start on kindergarten and first grade. They are familiar with the school setting and know what's expected of them socially. In most cases they know the alphabet, numbers, can recite their full names and addresses and have already begun to read. This certainly doesn't make them better people but as far as testing is concerned I can absolutely see how a near-3 year old would test at a 6 year level.
Cha blows me away every day with the new things she's learned. Today she drew detailed pictures of a fish and a snowman. She also lined up all her stuffed animals and played school. She stood in front of her class proclaiming 'Now boys and girls, listen up as I tell a story.' Then she went on to tell this very imaginative (and somewhat baffling) story about a boy and a princess.
While people who are anti-daycare will complain that they don't want anyone else to raise their children, they don't understand the difference between parenting and providing care. Cha has an incredible bond with my parents and Matt's parents. She doesn't see them on a daily basis but she loves them just the same and she knows the difference between her teachers and her family.
Black Friday Midnight Madness
I ventured out to the Midnight Madness sale at the Philadelphia Premium Outlets on Black Friday. I knew we were in for a wild night but had no idea how bad the traffic would be. I feel sorry for people who lived near the mall and hope they had no place to go.
Here's my Photo Story:
I took a picture of myself standing on the corner at 11:30 waiting for my friend Mariana to pick me up. Yes, I felt a little trampy standing on a corner after dark.
Ridge Pike near the Limerick Airport. It was bumper to bumper for about 3 miles. Route 422 was even worse.
Mariana in her car. I enjoyed getting out and walking a bit. I needed to stretch my legs.
The clock said 12:53, nearly and hour and a half after Mariana picked me up.
And at 12:53 we were still waiting to get in the parking lot for the mall.
So close, yet so far.
I can almost touch it, but we still had another half hour til we were out of the car.
Tow trucks were taking away cars that were illegally parked. You can imagine how the tow trucks added to the congestion.
More parking messes.
This was 2:30 am. People were everywhere, but it was very civil.
This was the wait at Starbucks at 3:00 am. I think Starbucks and the tow company made the most money that night.
3:09 am and finally back in our car. The ride home was smooth sailing. We saw a couple dozen open parking spaces as we left, but it was still pretty crowded.
I'm glad we went and I did have fun. We circled the whole mall but I didn't buy much. I walked in KB Toys hoping to pick up a few things but immediately turned around. Mariana lasted five minutes longer than me. It was just too packed. I also went in the Osh Kosh store and found and couple great deals but couldn't see myself waiting in a half hour line for children's socks, underwear and mittens.
We went in the Columbia store hoping to pick up a couple sweaters or shirts for Matty, but their inventory was lacking. It almost seemed like an after Christmas sale. Very disappointing, but I guess that's how retail stores are staying afloat.
The highlight of the evening had to be the near riot in the parking lot. After driving around for a half hour we spotted a couple just leaving the mall and walking to their car. We asked them if we could drive them and steal their parking spot. They said they'd walk but we should follow and they'd save it for us. You can imagine how the other cars waiting for spots felt to see us drive right up. One car got really angry and I thought they were going to plow right into us. I had to get out and stand in front of their car so Mariana could park. It got ugly.
Here's my Photo Story:
I took a picture of myself standing on the corner at 11:30 waiting for my friend Mariana to pick me up. Yes, I felt a little trampy standing on a corner after dark.
Ridge Pike near the Limerick Airport. It was bumper to bumper for about 3 miles. Route 422 was even worse.
Mariana in her car. I enjoyed getting out and walking a bit. I needed to stretch my legs.
The clock said 12:53, nearly and hour and a half after Mariana picked me up.
And at 12:53 we were still waiting to get in the parking lot for the mall.
So close, yet so far.
I can almost touch it, but we still had another half hour til we were out of the car.
Tow trucks were taking away cars that were illegally parked. You can imagine how the tow trucks added to the congestion.
More parking messes.
This was 2:30 am. People were everywhere, but it was very civil.
Mariana LOVES this picture! This is proof that you were there girlfriend.
This was the wait at Starbucks at 3:00 am. I think Starbucks and the tow company made the most money that night.
3:09 am and finally back in our car. The ride home was smooth sailing. We saw a couple dozen open parking spaces as we left, but it was still pretty crowded.I'm glad we went and I did have fun. We circled the whole mall but I didn't buy much. I walked in KB Toys hoping to pick up a few things but immediately turned around. Mariana lasted five minutes longer than me. It was just too packed. I also went in the Osh Kosh store and found and couple great deals but couldn't see myself waiting in a half hour line for children's socks, underwear and mittens.
We went in the Columbia store hoping to pick up a couple sweaters or shirts for Matty, but their inventory was lacking. It almost seemed like an after Christmas sale. Very disappointing, but I guess that's how retail stores are staying afloat.
The highlight of the evening had to be the near riot in the parking lot. After driving around for a half hour we spotted a couple just leaving the mall and walking to their car. We asked them if we could drive them and steal their parking spot. They said they'd walk but we should follow and they'd save it for us. You can imagine how the other cars waiting for spots felt to see us drive right up. One car got really angry and I thought they were going to plow right into us. I had to get out and stand in front of their car so Mariana could park. It got ugly.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
A Day of Giving Thanks
Today was perfect. Other than a few moments with an overly tired 3 year old, the day couldn't have been any better. We had planned to start the day with a walk along the Perkiomen Trail but when we parked we noticed a dog park and Cha just had to check out the puppies.
We watched from outside the fence for a little while but Cha wasn't satisfied with just watching. She had to get in on the action. I was a bit apprehensive about taking her inside the pen but a woman there assured me that it would be fine. She brings her granddaughter there and the dogs are all friendly.
So we ventured in and Cha spent the next hour running with the dogs. She chased them and tossed balls. There were two incredible Great Danes who were as friendly as they were tall. The two of them were running after a Sheep Dog who was a real angel. Cha's favorite was Sundance, a three legged Golden Retriever. She was the sweetest little girl and was so happy.
When we got home we tried for two hours to get Cha to nap but it just wasn't happening. She was too wound up and full of energy, so she helped out in the kitchen. I had picked up a small 6 lb turkey for the three of us but Matt got a giant 22 lb one from work that he wanted to roast. The three of us had fun in the kitchen making our Thanksgiving meal.
Today I am thankful for my wonderful family of three and for the fun we have together. We have our ups and downs but Matt and I provide a very loving and playful home for our little girl.
Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my 'bad mammogram'. I am breathing much easier today than I was a year ago. I'm looking forward to next year being even better.
I hope you had a fulfilling Thanksgiving.
We watched from outside the fence for a little while but Cha wasn't satisfied with just watching. She had to get in on the action. I was a bit apprehensive about taking her inside the pen but a woman there assured me that it would be fine. She brings her granddaughter there and the dogs are all friendly.
So we ventured in and Cha spent the next hour running with the dogs. She chased them and tossed balls. There were two incredible Great Danes who were as friendly as they were tall. The two of them were running after a Sheep Dog who was a real angel. Cha's favorite was Sundance, a three legged Golden Retriever. She was the sweetest little girl and was so happy.
When we got home we tried for two hours to get Cha to nap but it just wasn't happening. She was too wound up and full of energy, so she helped out in the kitchen. I had picked up a small 6 lb turkey for the three of us but Matt got a giant 22 lb one from work that he wanted to roast. The three of us had fun in the kitchen making our Thanksgiving meal.
Today I am thankful for my wonderful family of three and for the fun we have together. We have our ups and downs but Matt and I provide a very loving and playful home for our little girl.
Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my 'bad mammogram'. I am breathing much easier today than I was a year ago. I'm looking forward to next year being even better.
I hope you had a fulfilling Thanksgiving.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Hmmmm
The appt with Dr. S went well this afternoon. I only had to wait a minute til he brought me back to the exam room and he immediately took the bandages off. I think he was more excited to see my reaction than I was to see the final product.
I could tell he was very happy with his art work. He had me stand up and look in the mirror and then watched my face to see how I'd react. I was a little disappointed but tried to fake it. If I squint I can get a good idea of how things will look but right now they are still a gooey mess. He didn't pull the stitches out and the nipples are bloody and swollen. I was hoping they'd be a bit more healed, tho I'm not sure why. The initial incision on my abdomen is just now starting to fade and it's been nearly a year. Of course the nipples should be red and swollen.
I have to say tho that the breasts feel much more natural than they did six months ago. They are falling into a natural shape and there isn't the hard lumpy area like implants. This time next year they'll be perfect and the scars will be much less noticeable. I am very happy that I opted for the DIEP and for the choice of surgeon.
I could tell he was very happy with his art work. He had me stand up and look in the mirror and then watched my face to see how I'd react. I was a little disappointed but tried to fake it. If I squint I can get a good idea of how things will look but right now they are still a gooey mess. He didn't pull the stitches out and the nipples are bloody and swollen. I was hoping they'd be a bit more healed, tho I'm not sure why. The initial incision on my abdomen is just now starting to fade and it's been nearly a year. Of course the nipples should be red and swollen.
I have to say tho that the breasts feel much more natural than they did six months ago. They are falling into a natural shape and there isn't the hard lumpy area like implants. This time next year they'll be perfect and the scars will be much less noticeable. I am very happy that I opted for the DIEP and for the choice of surgeon.
Ick
Seven day old bandages really stink. Especially when they're basically right below your nose. I can't get away from it. Dr. S told me not to get the bandages wet or remove them. The tape has been peeling off so I've just been putting more on. I look a mess and still smell like surgery.
I have an appt this afternoon to remove the bandages and the stitches. I'll finally be able to get a look at things. The bandages on my stomach and groin fell off over the weekend, thankfully. Dr. S wasn't as concerned about those so I wasn't going to bother with taping them in place.
The incisions in my groin are the most painful. They're also restricting movement. I'm aware of them with every step I take which I guess is a good thing because it forces me to take it easy. He did a good job with the placement and sewing me back up. Once things heal I doubt I'll ever notice the scars.
Because of the pain I've been keeping myself drugged up. I never really took the pain killers too much with the other surgeries, or at least not this long. I quickly transitioned to Tylenol and that did the trick. Now I am so uncomfortable with movement and sleeping that I take the Vicodin several times a day. I haven't been very good with phone calls or emails. I'll remember it and then forget it. Sorry if I forgot you.
Later this morning I am going to venture out and pick up the goodies for our Thanksgiving meal. Matt, Cha and I will be celebrating on our own and it's going to be fun.
I'll update later today when I am bandage free and get a chance to shower.
I have an appt this afternoon to remove the bandages and the stitches. I'll finally be able to get a look at things. The bandages on my stomach and groin fell off over the weekend, thankfully. Dr. S wasn't as concerned about those so I wasn't going to bother with taping them in place.
The incisions in my groin are the most painful. They're also restricting movement. I'm aware of them with every step I take which I guess is a good thing because it forces me to take it easy. He did a good job with the placement and sewing me back up. Once things heal I doubt I'll ever notice the scars.
Because of the pain I've been keeping myself drugged up. I never really took the pain killers too much with the other surgeries, or at least not this long. I quickly transitioned to Tylenol and that did the trick. Now I am so uncomfortable with movement and sleeping that I take the Vicodin several times a day. I haven't been very good with phone calls or emails. I'll remember it and then forget it. Sorry if I forgot you.
Later this morning I am going to venture out and pick up the goodies for our Thanksgiving meal. Matt, Cha and I will be celebrating on our own and it's going to be fun.
I'll update later today when I am bandage free and get a chance to shower.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Thankful Thursday
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Lots to be thankful for this week before Thanksgiving.
1. I'm thankful that I survived my final reconstructive surgery. Yahoo! I am going to miss the staff at the surgery center who were always so warm and friendly. It was a nice contrast to the hospital nurses who I complained about last February.
2. I am thankful for my kitties who haven't left my side this week. Tigger actually provided the laugh of the week when this morning I watched him jump up in the air and flip the light switch. That kitty is a trip. There was a bug on my bedroom ceiling months ago and Tigger stood on my bed and jumped straight up and caught it.
3. I am thankful for MIL for taking Cha to school the past couple of days. Cha just loves her Mimi and talks about her constantly. I'm thankful that they've got such a good relationship. I wish I had lived closed to my grandmother when I was growing up.
4. I am thankful for pain killers, antibiotics, Mucinex, and ice cold water.
5. I am thankful for Mob Wars on Facebook for keeping my cluttered brain entertained the past couple of days. Egads is that app addicting.
6. I am thankful for Jaime for having the girls over two times this past week. She always provides such a welcoming atmosphere and Cha and I both love to relax at her house.
7. I am thankful that the weather has been as nice as it has, until today. We got our first freezing rain and snow and it was chilly picking up Cha this afternoon.
8. I am thankful for Connie and Kristin and Lisa and Val and Kelly for checking up on me and making me feel comfortable.
9. I am praying that this time tomorrow night I will be thankful that Robin R is recovering from an uneventful bilateral mastectomy.
10. I am thankful that this house has three levels and that I'm able to get exercise walking from the second floor to the basement several times a day. Lord knows I'll be too stinky to get out of the house much this weekend and I need to walk around or I'll go bonkers.
Lots to be thankful for this week before Thanksgiving.
1. I'm thankful that I survived my final reconstructive surgery. Yahoo! I am going to miss the staff at the surgery center who were always so warm and friendly. It was a nice contrast to the hospital nurses who I complained about last February.
2. I am thankful for my kitties who haven't left my side this week. Tigger actually provided the laugh of the week when this morning I watched him jump up in the air and flip the light switch. That kitty is a trip. There was a bug on my bedroom ceiling months ago and Tigger stood on my bed and jumped straight up and caught it.
3. I am thankful for MIL for taking Cha to school the past couple of days. Cha just loves her Mimi and talks about her constantly. I'm thankful that they've got such a good relationship. I wish I had lived closed to my grandmother when I was growing up.
4. I am thankful for pain killers, antibiotics, Mucinex, and ice cold water.
5. I am thankful for Mob Wars on Facebook for keeping my cluttered brain entertained the past couple of days. Egads is that app addicting.
6. I am thankful for Jaime for having the girls over two times this past week. She always provides such a welcoming atmosphere and Cha and I both love to relax at her house.
7. I am thankful that the weather has been as nice as it has, until today. We got our first freezing rain and snow and it was chilly picking up Cha this afternoon.
8. I am thankful for Connie and Kristin and Lisa and Val and Kelly for checking up on me and making me feel comfortable.
9. I am praying that this time tomorrow night I will be thankful that Robin R is recovering from an uneventful bilateral mastectomy.
10. I am thankful that this house has three levels and that I'm able to get exercise walking from the second floor to the basement several times a day. Lord knows I'll be too stinky to get out of the house much this weekend and I need to walk around or I'll go bonkers.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
No Comparison
My current dose of Vicodin brought on a bit of mental clarity, if you can believe that. Altho I'm pretty sure they said LSD did the same and look how those people turned out. This entire post might just turn into a stream of blabbering
The root of my depression and anxiety issues have to be related to the way I've been trying to kick my 'bad mood'. Whenever I'm feeling down or especially anxious I tell myself that there's no reason to feel bad. Life is good. I am cancer free, I had a very minor cancer and didn't even have to deal with chemo or rads. I am better now and compared to others, life is easy!
Talk about belittling your own feelings. It's no surprise that trick hasn't worked.
This was my experience today. Matt and I dropped Cha off at daycare at 7:45 and made it to the surgery center at 8:30. While sitting in the waiting room Dr. S came by and chatted for a moment. He said he had a busy day with four breast cancer patients. One he just finished was having revisions to her breast reconstruction. After me he had two surgeries at two separate hospitals. That's a long day. My first thought was 'wow, my day is easy in comparison.'
When Dr. S left a man walked into the surgery center. He told the woman at the front desk that he had to drop off his baby with the grandparents but was there to see his wife. His wife was Dr. S's first patient and the front desk woman said he would be with him in a minute. I looked at the man and got sad. He was younger than me and I assumed that his wife was as well. They had a baby at home and the husband looked very tired and worried. They must certainly have it harder than me, so why am I complaining?
The nurse took me into an examining room where I put on my gown and she poked a hole in my arm. She then went to get Matt. While she was gone I heard a boy's cry. He was in the next room. I thought maybe he was there visiting his mom. There was lots of activity and the boy was so upset. Next thing I know the nurse is walking his parents out to the waiting room. Eek, that boy is getting surgery! Matt walked in and I told him how silly I felt crying when I wasn't a child, or the parent of that child.
Dr. S came in and I stripped down so he could start marking on me. For the 20th or 30th time I stood there naked in front of a relative stranger. I have a lot of respect for Dr. S and I trust him, obviously with my life! While I have never felt any sort of inappropriate weirdness during those 'special' times, it is an incredibly vulnerable experience. I start to tell myself that this is how cancer has violated me. This is cancer's doing. But then I hush myself and say I can't allow those negative thoughts because cancer is not winning, I am. Then I make nonsense chatter with Dr. S to try to take my mind off how unnatural it feels.
As Dr. S was marking me I briefly looked to my left and saw the tube coming out of my arm was filled with blood. I remember saying 'what was that?' then reached for the bed. I got dizzy and nearly fainted. Dr. S caught me mid-way. The blood was coming out of my arm and into the tube, which is natural since I was standing up with my arms down to my side. Silly me for getting upset, right?
The surgery was fine with no complications. It was longer than I thought and Matt ended up reading the same newspapers over and over again while he waited. Then I woke up.
I startled myself. I freaked out wondering where I was and why I was in so much pain. I must have been flailing about because three people came over and helped me settle me back onto the bed. For some reason I had to sit up. I kept saying how much pain I was in and how I needed to sit up. I thought something was wrong because it never hurt this bad before. Last time was much easier. I opened my eyes and a half hour later I was getting myself dressed. Today while the nurse helped me get to the bathroom and dressed I felt like such an idiot. All the way home I was telling myself that things were fine and I should just mellow out.
Well, things are fine but then sometimes they're not. Sometimes I am afraid, sad, lonely, hurt, self-conscience, feel unworthy and unwanted and all out depressed. These are my feelings and I get mad at myself over them and try to belittle them away. I am constantly comparing myself to people who have it worse to minimize my experience. No wonder the depression won't go away. I am beating myself up.
Yes there are people who had far more advanced cancer than mine. Little boys get sick and diseases spread. One thing that I need to remind myself is that when cancer is involved, every case is sad. Every case is individual. No two people will react exactly the same because no two people are exactly the same. There is no comparison.
The root of my depression and anxiety issues have to be related to the way I've been trying to kick my 'bad mood'. Whenever I'm feeling down or especially anxious I tell myself that there's no reason to feel bad. Life is good. I am cancer free, I had a very minor cancer and didn't even have to deal with chemo or rads. I am better now and compared to others, life is easy!
Talk about belittling your own feelings. It's no surprise that trick hasn't worked.
This was my experience today. Matt and I dropped Cha off at daycare at 7:45 and made it to the surgery center at 8:30. While sitting in the waiting room Dr. S came by and chatted for a moment. He said he had a busy day with four breast cancer patients. One he just finished was having revisions to her breast reconstruction. After me he had two surgeries at two separate hospitals. That's a long day. My first thought was 'wow, my day is easy in comparison.'
When Dr. S left a man walked into the surgery center. He told the woman at the front desk that he had to drop off his baby with the grandparents but was there to see his wife. His wife was Dr. S's first patient and the front desk woman said he would be with him in a minute. I looked at the man and got sad. He was younger than me and I assumed that his wife was as well. They had a baby at home and the husband looked very tired and worried. They must certainly have it harder than me, so why am I complaining?
The nurse took me into an examining room where I put on my gown and she poked a hole in my arm. She then went to get Matt. While she was gone I heard a boy's cry. He was in the next room. I thought maybe he was there visiting his mom. There was lots of activity and the boy was so upset. Next thing I know the nurse is walking his parents out to the waiting room. Eek, that boy is getting surgery! Matt walked in and I told him how silly I felt crying when I wasn't a child, or the parent of that child.
Dr. S came in and I stripped down so he could start marking on me. For the 20th or 30th time I stood there naked in front of a relative stranger. I have a lot of respect for Dr. S and I trust him, obviously with my life! While I have never felt any sort of inappropriate weirdness during those 'special' times, it is an incredibly vulnerable experience. I start to tell myself that this is how cancer has violated me. This is cancer's doing. But then I hush myself and say I can't allow those negative thoughts because cancer is not winning, I am. Then I make nonsense chatter with Dr. S to try to take my mind off how unnatural it feels.
As Dr. S was marking me I briefly looked to my left and saw the tube coming out of my arm was filled with blood. I remember saying 'what was that?' then reached for the bed. I got dizzy and nearly fainted. Dr. S caught me mid-way. The blood was coming out of my arm and into the tube, which is natural since I was standing up with my arms down to my side. Silly me for getting upset, right?
The surgery was fine with no complications. It was longer than I thought and Matt ended up reading the same newspapers over and over again while he waited. Then I woke up.
I startled myself. I freaked out wondering where I was and why I was in so much pain. I must have been flailing about because three people came over and helped me settle me back onto the bed. For some reason I had to sit up. I kept saying how much pain I was in and how I needed to sit up. I thought something was wrong because it never hurt this bad before. Last time was much easier. I opened my eyes and a half hour later I was getting myself dressed. Today while the nurse helped me get to the bathroom and dressed I felt like such an idiot. All the way home I was telling myself that things were fine and I should just mellow out.
Well, things are fine but then sometimes they're not. Sometimes I am afraid, sad, lonely, hurt, self-conscience, feel unworthy and unwanted and all out depressed. These are my feelings and I get mad at myself over them and try to belittle them away. I am constantly comparing myself to people who have it worse to minimize my experience. No wonder the depression won't go away. I am beating myself up.
Yes there are people who had far more advanced cancer than mine. Little boys get sick and diseases spread. One thing that I need to remind myself is that when cancer is involved, every case is sad. Every case is individual. No two people will react exactly the same because no two people are exactly the same. There is no comparison.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Thankful Thursday - The Jens
See if you can find a theme....1. First and foremost I am thankful for Jen who created the wonderful Thankful Thursday image above. She also inspired me to remember that despite everything, I have much to be thankful for. I've been reading her Thankful Thursday posts for a while and figured I had to steal the idea. Those two things pale in comparison however to the gratitude I have towards her for her kindness and ability to overlook 'things'. We have had more than a few snarky exchanges in the past but I have come to respect her and appreciate her words more than she knows.
2. Second I am thankful for Jen S whose husband is a local policeman. She has managed to arrange a Safety Meeup for the kids in the mom's group this weekend. They are trying to get a firetruck and rescue van too. I'm really excited to have our own little tour of a police car and know that Cha is going to love meeting a cop.
3. I am also thankful for Meetup Jen, who co-organizes one of the Meetup groups I am involved in. She's a total stranger but, like a good cookbook or dictionary, she's a great source of information and I've gotten a lot out of her advice. I would love to sit down and chat with her over a large pot of coffee. Maybe next time I'm in Iowa
4. Jenni is a fellow September Mama who just gave birth to her second child. She has also been a good source for advice as well and as we've faced some of the same struggles I appreciate her point of view. She had a rough pregnancy and a tough last couple of weeks. I am thankful that her darling young son is home and the family is healthy.
5. Jennifer Aniston is, well you all know who she is. As much as I think Brad Pitt is one handsome man, he's also a skunk for cheating on Jennifer when they were married. I am certainly Team Jen, even tho she can be a bit whiny. Anyway, I am thankful for her sake that she finally came around to finally speaking out about how 'uncool' Angelina Jolie was. (Sometimes you gotta let the cheesy gossip feed your soul.)
6. I am super thankful for Jen over at Cake Wrecks for the laugh a day. Seriously, what a hoot!
Friday, November 7, 2008
Something I'm pondering
I read many blogs, some daily and some when I remember. There are two that I read every night - Tabsmom and Cari. Both have made me feel weak, strong, grateful, selfish and whiny. I started reading their blogs a year ago when I started my breast cancer journey. I have continued to read them because they are both compelling and strong women. I am guessing that in real life I don't have too much in common with either, other than being mothers and having breast cancer, but I have deep respect for them.
Anyway, Tabsmom recently posted something that really got me thinking.
b. Those who have not suffered cancer need to be protected from its painful realities. That sounds harsh and likely patronizing, but it is true. Do my friends and family really need to know the explicit details of my pain, sadness, anxieties? No. To what end would that information benefit them or me?
(The full text is here.)
Now I read this days after my lastest post on depression. It's kept me from further posting about what's going on in my head. Yesterday I had a therapy session and spoke about the pros and cons. The cons of putting my thoughts and feelings out there are plenty. Friends, family, co-workers, strangers know my deepest thoughts and can very well throw them back at me one day. I've hurt the feelings of people I love by speaking my mind (as twisted as my mind may be) tho I never intended to be hurtful.
The pros have also been plenty. Blogging is very liberating and cathartic. My goal has always been to put my truth out there and share what is going on with this disease and how my life is changing. On the days when I struggled with posting, knowing that friends would be reading it, I concentrated on an audience of newly diagnosed cancer patients. Strangers I didn't know who were just lurking, just as I did when I first stumbled on Tabsmom and Cari's blogs.
Do my parents and in-laws need to know how terribly sad I am on any given day? Not particularly, especially since it must be painful to know there's nothing they can do to help. Does it serve any purpose for my co-workers or friends to keep updated? Again, no. But a small voice reminds me that it's healthy to put it out there, even tho it makes me feel very vulnerable.
Anyway, my depression and anxiety have been all over the place lately. I achieved the near-impossible today and actually made it to my desk at work. It took several internal pep-talks from the car to the front door and a whole lot of advice from my therapist, but I did it.
I apologize if that hurts. Others have triumphed over much worse and have larger struggles than I do but I'm just working with what I got.
Anyway, Tabsmom recently posted something that really got me thinking.
b. Those who have not suffered cancer need to be protected from its painful realities. That sounds harsh and likely patronizing, but it is true. Do my friends and family really need to know the explicit details of my pain, sadness, anxieties? No. To what end would that information benefit them or me?
(The full text is here.)
Now I read this days after my lastest post on depression. It's kept me from further posting about what's going on in my head. Yesterday I had a therapy session and spoke about the pros and cons. The cons of putting my thoughts and feelings out there are plenty. Friends, family, co-workers, strangers know my deepest thoughts and can very well throw them back at me one day. I've hurt the feelings of people I love by speaking my mind (as twisted as my mind may be) tho I never intended to be hurtful.
The pros have also been plenty. Blogging is very liberating and cathartic. My goal has always been to put my truth out there and share what is going on with this disease and how my life is changing. On the days when I struggled with posting, knowing that friends would be reading it, I concentrated on an audience of newly diagnosed cancer patients. Strangers I didn't know who were just lurking, just as I did when I first stumbled on Tabsmom and Cari's blogs.
Do my parents and in-laws need to know how terribly sad I am on any given day? Not particularly, especially since it must be painful to know there's nothing they can do to help. Does it serve any purpose for my co-workers or friends to keep updated? Again, no. But a small voice reminds me that it's healthy to put it out there, even tho it makes me feel very vulnerable.
Anyway, my depression and anxiety have been all over the place lately. I achieved the near-impossible today and actually made it to my desk at work. It took several internal pep-talks from the car to the front door and a whole lot of advice from my therapist, but I did it.
I apologize if that hurts. Others have triumphed over much worse and have larger struggles than I do but I'm just working with what I got.
What about 'Drank the Obama Juice'?
:
Oxford compiles a list of top ten irritating phrases.
Oxford compiles a list of top ten irritating phrases.
The top ten most irritating phrases:
1 - At the end of the day
2 - Fairly unique
3 - I personally
4 - At this moment in time
5 - With all due respect
6 - Absolutely
7 - It's a nightmare
8 - Shouldn't of
9 - 24/7
10 - It's not rocket science
I, personally cringe when people say #3. It's one of my pet peeves.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Happy Halloween
I got one picture from Trick or Treating last night before the battery in my camera died. Super bummer. Cha had a wonderful time. We walked with friends down a very crowded street. It was madness but totally worth it.
One of the houses hosted a haunted maze and altho they promised to go easy on the young ones, it was friggen scary! There was a pig roasting over an open pit and a monster getting in the kid's faces saying he was going to rip off their legs and cook them. Hmmm, not the best thing to say to 3 and 4 year olds. Cha was screaming but she laughed at the end and has been talking about it ever since.
She loved running up to front doors and screaming Trick or Treat, Smell my Feet! Can't imagine where she got that.
I'll post more pics if I can steal them from others.
Here are a couple pics of a costume party last weekend. Snow White's tiara has gone missing. Maybe the kitties chewed it up.
One of the houses hosted a haunted maze and altho they promised to go easy on the young ones, it was friggen scary! There was a pig roasting over an open pit and a monster getting in the kid's faces saying he was going to rip off their legs and cook them. Hmmm, not the best thing to say to 3 and 4 year olds. Cha was screaming but she laughed at the end and has been talking about it ever since.
She loved running up to front doors and screaming Trick or Treat, Smell my Feet! Can't imagine where she got that.
I'll post more pics if I can steal them from others.
Here are a couple pics of a costume party last weekend. Snow White's tiara has gone missing. Maybe the kitties chewed it up.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Square One
I feel like I'm back to square one mentally. I'm an emotional mess. I had my appt with the new therapist yesterday and it was good but it kicked off a 24 hour tear fest.
The therapist, Fran, said I seemed to be experiencing more anxiety than depression, tho I am indeed depressed. The anxiety exaggerates every single one of my flaws and I am obsessing over them. Obsessing over your faults leads to major self confidence problems and paralyzing fear. That's where I am.
Fran recommended upping my Lexapro and perhaps asking for separate anxiety meds. I had to meet with Dr. M my primary physician to discuss several other health issues and she wrote me a script for 20 mg of Lexapro. She also gave me some Ambian to help me sleep but I've gotta tell you it doesn't seem to be doing anything. I took it tonight at 8:00 and here it is 10:50 and I'm still wide awake. I really need to turn off my brain, but I just gotta figure out how.
Yesterday Cha had a doctor appt. She hasn't been 100% lately and I wanted her doctor to take a look. She bounced back and is doing better today. She's looking forward to going Trick or Treating tomorrow night so I think she forced herself to get better. Let's hope she doesn't make herself sicker with candy.
Today I am thankful for the medical professionals who are helping me get better. I am thankful for the increased dose of Lexapro and pray that it does it's job. I am thankful that with all the crap going on over the last 11 months, we have been able to shield Cha from most of it.
Dr. M suggested that I try not to really cry in front of Cha. She said my only real job was to keep it together around her. She said to fall apart in front of anyone else, but be strong for Charlotte.
Dr. M asked how much Cha knows about the cancer and I said that we've been very open with her. She's seen the scars and knows that my boobies were sick. I'm trying to make it casual for her so she doesn't freak out and I think we're all handling it very well.
Fran the therapist asked what the best thing that's ever happened in my life. I told her becoming a mother. She asked about the worst thing and altho I could have said the cancer I think this depression is much more difficult. It's every day and there's no surgical cure.
It really sucks but I'm trying to hopeful that things will get better.
The therapist, Fran, said I seemed to be experiencing more anxiety than depression, tho I am indeed depressed. The anxiety exaggerates every single one of my flaws and I am obsessing over them. Obsessing over your faults leads to major self confidence problems and paralyzing fear. That's where I am.
Fran recommended upping my Lexapro and perhaps asking for separate anxiety meds. I had to meet with Dr. M my primary physician to discuss several other health issues and she wrote me a script for 20 mg of Lexapro. She also gave me some Ambian to help me sleep but I've gotta tell you it doesn't seem to be doing anything. I took it tonight at 8:00 and here it is 10:50 and I'm still wide awake. I really need to turn off my brain, but I just gotta figure out how.
Yesterday Cha had a doctor appt. She hasn't been 100% lately and I wanted her doctor to take a look. She bounced back and is doing better today. She's looking forward to going Trick or Treating tomorrow night so I think she forced herself to get better. Let's hope she doesn't make herself sicker with candy.
Today I am thankful for the medical professionals who are helping me get better. I am thankful for the increased dose of Lexapro and pray that it does it's job. I am thankful that with all the crap going on over the last 11 months, we have been able to shield Cha from most of it.
Dr. M suggested that I try not to really cry in front of Cha. She said my only real job was to keep it together around her. She said to fall apart in front of anyone else, but be strong for Charlotte.
Dr. M asked how much Cha knows about the cancer and I said that we've been very open with her. She's seen the scars and knows that my boobies were sick. I'm trying to make it casual for her so she doesn't freak out and I think we're all handling it very well.
Fran the therapist asked what the best thing that's ever happened in my life. I told her becoming a mother. She asked about the worst thing and altho I could have said the cancer I think this depression is much more difficult. It's every day and there's no surgical cure.
It really sucks but I'm trying to hopeful that things will get better.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Another Shoutout to MIL
MIL sent me a link this week on Postsurgical Depression. Wow, that one hit home. I remember long ago Dr. Kripke warned me that patients often get depressed after surgery but I didn't think it would get this bad.
Here are a couple excerpts from an article titled An 'Understandable' Complication:
Here are a couple excerpts from an article titled An 'Understandable' Complication:
Other psychological issues crop up during the recovery period. When we're healthy, we tend to think of our bodies as somehow intact, both inviolable and homogene-ous. Major surgery can shatter that image, and with it the concept of self-sustaining health. The feelings of mortality, of loss, and of vulnerability can be profound, and recognizing depression in surgery's aftermath becomes very important.
Postoperative depression, on the other hand, is more likely to occur well after the crisis of surgery has ended and the patient is back at home or even at work. That can make it particularly difficult for patients to cope with feelings about what they've endured and what their future is likely to be, or for family members and physicians to see and understand their feelings. Stigma continues to surround depression, adds Vaccaro, and many patients may hide their state of mind from families and caregivers alike.Again not that I am trying to place blame, but this does make sense.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Super busy weekend
It's nearly midnight and I just turned off the Phillies game. They won 10-2 and there was really no reason for me to stay up and watch it til the end. I should have been asleep four hours ago!
Friday night I went to a movie with Mariana. We saw Burn After Reading which I think is one of Brad Pitt's finest roles. It's a Coen Brothers film so it had to be good but seeing Brad Pitt playing an idiot made it perfect. Brad isn't acting when he's playing cool and suave characters. I think my favorite character of his ever is the mental patient in 12 Monkeys. That was fantastic.
After the movie we headed out to PJ Ryan's for a drink. While we certainly weren't the oldest people in the bar (there were several tables that looked to be a retirement party) we were the only ones who clearly weren't out to 'hook up'. Mariana was wearing sweatpants (or 'lounge' pants as she called them). There was one other person in the bar wearing a 'lounge' outfit but as Mariana pointed out, his probably cost well over $200 as opposed to her $7.99 Old Navy special.
We had a good time and it was a nice break. People Watching really should be an Olympic Sport, tho it would be hard to beat Mariana with her Masters in Social Work.
Saturday the working mom's group had a birthday playdate at the library. I made ghetto box brownies and picked up a couple trays from Chick fil A. The kids had fun but it was exhausting trying to keep my eye on Cha. That girl can move and she's a sneaky little one.
This morning we had a Halloween Costume Playdate for the kids. We're having a little flea problem with the kitties and Matt doused them pretty good with spray yesterday. A few of them snuggled up to Cha in her sleep last night and she woke up with red and swollen eyes. I've washed everything and hoping it clears up. I'm also hoping that it's not Pink Eye. She's been cranky this weekend and not sleeping well, so we'll see what happens when she wakes up tomorrow.
We picked up a couple of big pumpkins this afternoon and planned on carving them tonight but Cha just wasn't feeling well. Maybe tomorrow night she'll be up to playing with pumpkin guts.
I took lots of pictures this weekend but I have yet to upload them. I'll post them when I get a chance. Cha looks adorable in her Sleeping Beauty costume.
(BTW, I've been thinking of Grandma Jenkins a lot this week. Oct 22nd was her birthday and we lost her to cancer five years ago. I still miss her dearly but will always have the best memories of her. One sad thought about having kids so late is that there's less time for them to spend with their grandparents. My grandma was 50 when I was born and nearly 86 when she died. 36 years is a long time, tho I wish I had more. Love you Grandma!)
Friday night I went to a movie with Mariana. We saw Burn After Reading which I think is one of Brad Pitt's finest roles. It's a Coen Brothers film so it had to be good but seeing Brad Pitt playing an idiot made it perfect. Brad isn't acting when he's playing cool and suave characters. I think my favorite character of his ever is the mental patient in 12 Monkeys. That was fantastic.
After the movie we headed out to PJ Ryan's for a drink. While we certainly weren't the oldest people in the bar (there were several tables that looked to be a retirement party) we were the only ones who clearly weren't out to 'hook up'. Mariana was wearing sweatpants (or 'lounge' pants as she called them). There was one other person in the bar wearing a 'lounge' outfit but as Mariana pointed out, his probably cost well over $200 as opposed to her $7.99 Old Navy special.
We had a good time and it was a nice break. People Watching really should be an Olympic Sport, tho it would be hard to beat Mariana with her Masters in Social Work.
Saturday the working mom's group had a birthday playdate at the library. I made ghetto box brownies and picked up a couple trays from Chick fil A. The kids had fun but it was exhausting trying to keep my eye on Cha. That girl can move and she's a sneaky little one.
This morning we had a Halloween Costume Playdate for the kids. We're having a little flea problem with the kitties and Matt doused them pretty good with spray yesterday. A few of them snuggled up to Cha in her sleep last night and she woke up with red and swollen eyes. I've washed everything and hoping it clears up. I'm also hoping that it's not Pink Eye. She's been cranky this weekend and not sleeping well, so we'll see what happens when she wakes up tomorrow.
We picked up a couple of big pumpkins this afternoon and planned on carving them tonight but Cha just wasn't feeling well. Maybe tomorrow night she'll be up to playing with pumpkin guts.
I took lots of pictures this weekend but I have yet to upload them. I'll post them when I get a chance. Cha looks adorable in her Sleeping Beauty costume.
(BTW, I've been thinking of Grandma Jenkins a lot this week. Oct 22nd was her birthday and we lost her to cancer five years ago. I still miss her dearly but will always have the best memories of her. One sad thought about having kids so late is that there's less time for them to spend with their grandparents. My grandma was 50 when I was born and nearly 86 when she died. 36 years is a long time, tho I wish I had more. Love you Grandma!)
Friday, October 24, 2008
Bonus Pic - for the cat people
I'm sure you all can relate. It's not so much the monitor but the keyboard. I don't need to see the screen but when I can't get to my keyboard we've got a problem.Not that I would even dare to swat them away or anything. They're just kittens. You can't break their spirits.
You know you want to snuggle them!
:)
Random Pictures - Four Falls
Manoj and Cha in Oct 2005
Cha and Yas in Oct 2006
The front yard October 2007
October 2008
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