I read something from a fellow stage 4 sister that echos my own thoughts.
Do I feel crappy for a healthy person, or amazing for a cancer patient?
Personally I am so tired of feeling crappy. I've had the same aches, pains, and complaints for the past six months and I can't say that any of them have gone away. Some of the symptoms have lessened due to chemo and radiation, but my body isn't as strong as it once was and those symptoms hit me harder than before.
I've lost 40 pounds in the last year and a half. Thirty of those within the last 8 months. Great, huh? I was a little excited when I started shedding those pounds and putting on clothes that hadn't fit in years. But most of those 40 pounds have been muscle. My poor little legs look scrawny and very, very old. My skin is hanging off me and looks like crepe paper. Not at all pretty.
I had an appointment with another oncologist this week for a second opinion. She is from a well respected medical facility, and came very highly recommended. I feel so defeated thinking that I've given my all during the last six months and it's all been for nothing. Going into the appointment I had a list in my mind of things that I was and was not willing to do. Knowing this facility's reputation, I was expecting to pick and choose what treatments I wanted to try next. Imagine my disappointment when I heard that they had nothing new to offer, that my current team was doing exactly what needed to be done, and that was that.
My cancer continues to grow. That's the terrifying thing about being stage 4. The cancer never, ever gives up. Patients and doctors just need to keep plugging along, trying to stay two steps ahead of it. I've tried chemotherapy and hormonal therapy and both failed me. Now we just bounce between different chemicals trying to find one that works the best.
And those flight of stairs that used to knock the wind out of me six months ago? They are still just as challenging, only I am weaker and very, very tired.
Thursday, May 26, 2016
Friday, January 1, 2016
Is this thing still on....
Happy New Year!
I've been pondering updating my blog again. On one hand it's a bit of a chore but on the other it was always therapeutic to get my words out.
Regardless, a quick update is in order. Last month, nearly 8 years to the day of being diagnosed with cancer, I learned the dreaded beast is back and this time with a vengeance.
I am now Stage IV, aka advanced stage breast cancer, Metastatic breast cancer, terminal, or the bad kind. The cancer spread to my lungs, lymph nodes, and bone.
I began chemotherapy four weeks ago today and am now losing my hair, dealing with nausea and vomiting, and terrible bone pain. The worst of it is the coughing, which is maddening. But in a way I guess it is also a blessing as the cough is what led to a string of tests that found the cancer before it had a chance to spread even further.
I've been pondering updating my blog again. On one hand it's a bit of a chore but on the other it was always therapeutic to get my words out.
Regardless, a quick update is in order. Last month, nearly 8 years to the day of being diagnosed with cancer, I learned the dreaded beast is back and this time with a vengeance.
I am now Stage IV, aka advanced stage breast cancer, Metastatic breast cancer, terminal, or the bad kind. The cancer spread to my lungs, lymph nodes, and bone.
I began chemotherapy four weeks ago today and am now losing my hair, dealing with nausea and vomiting, and terrible bone pain. The worst of it is the coughing, which is maddening. But in a way I guess it is also a blessing as the cough is what led to a string of tests that found the cancer before it had a chance to spread even further.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Forgiveness
Tonight I am thinking about Forgiveness. It was one of my 2013 New Year's Goals.
I started 2013 off by sending an email to an old friend. We hadn't talked in years and I knew it was due to something I had said and ways I had acted. It was nothing criminal or morally corrupt, just sheer bad manners and being an awful friend.
I think about her when I'm doing dishes. It makes no sense, as there was nothing about our friendship or breakup that had anything to do with dishes. But when I get my soapy hands on a dish I start to think about her and where it all went wrong.
I emailed her once years back and it bounced. In 2013 I decided to cyber-stalk her. I found her professional page and sent her a note. I apologized, stated my wrongdoings, took complete responsibility and begged for forgiveness. Then I never heard from her. But it's okay. I knew that it was never about reconnecting with her or picking up where we left off. It was important to me that I acknowledged the hurt I had caused and said that I was sorry.
Today I got a note from another old friend.
That brought me peace. More than she knows.
Now while I am scrubbing a greasy pan I can think about peace.
Ask Forgiveness / Accept Forgiveness
I started 2013 off by sending an email to an old friend. We hadn't talked in years and I knew it was due to something I had said and ways I had acted. It was nothing criminal or morally corrupt, just sheer bad manners and being an awful friend.
I think about her when I'm doing dishes. It makes no sense, as there was nothing about our friendship or breakup that had anything to do with dishes. But when I get my soapy hands on a dish I start to think about her and where it all went wrong.
I emailed her once years back and it bounced. In 2013 I decided to cyber-stalk her. I found her professional page and sent her a note. I apologized, stated my wrongdoings, took complete responsibility and begged for forgiveness. Then I never heard from her. But it's okay. I knew that it was never about reconnecting with her or picking up where we left off. It was important to me that I acknowledged the hurt I had caused and said that I was sorry.
Today I got a note from another old friend.
"I am deeply sorry for how things went down years ago and wanted to apologize"
That brought me peace. More than she knows.
Now while I am scrubbing a greasy pan I can think about peace.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
in the beginning....
The first post of this blog was actually a late night email I sent to my parents. They were random thoughts about my daughter, their granddaughter, because I wanted them to know how incredible she was. Little did I know that this blog would be taken over by cancer, suicide, and depression.
It's now been six and a half years and times have changed. The cancer days are a distant memory, tho I am still reminded of the surgeries every day in the shower when I see and feel the numerous scars. My December 5th cancerversary also permanently stuck in my mind. The other night at a PTO meeting we discussed next year's calendar. We planned an event for Friday December 5th and my mind immediately went back to that day when Dr. K. first told me that 'It's cancer'. It wasn't a flashback in a sense that I became anxious and sad, instead it was a moment of 'Wow, that was forever ago!' In my mind, that's a good thing.
I spend my days now working, volunteering, playing with my multitude of animals, juggling my child's activities, both social and academic, enjoying time with dear friends, and loving my husband (and not necessarily in that order). I still struggle with depression and anxiety but nowhere near to the extent of how I suffered five years ago.
This year we learned that my not-so-little Cha is a Brainy McBrainerson. She was evaluated and placed in the gifted program and I am constantly blown away by her school projects and how easily she learns. Last month we traveled to DC with a few girlfriends and attended the Science and Engineering Festival at the DC Convention Center. The whole event was one big WOW. I will say that I was only more excited than she was because I had the joy of watching how excited she was. There was so much to see and do and there was a LOT of walking, so my girl begged many times to just sit down and rest. However, the moment she took a break she'd get excited about one more thing that she wanted to see and then we were off and running again. There are no words to say how proud and in awe I am of her.
Favorite picture from the weekend?
So much more to ramble about but I think I'll cut it short here. I gotta get back into my blogging habit.
It's now been six and a half years and times have changed. The cancer days are a distant memory, tho I am still reminded of the surgeries every day in the shower when I see and feel the numerous scars. My December 5th cancerversary also permanently stuck in my mind. The other night at a PTO meeting we discussed next year's calendar. We planned an event for Friday December 5th and my mind immediately went back to that day when Dr. K. first told me that 'It's cancer'. It wasn't a flashback in a sense that I became anxious and sad, instead it was a moment of 'Wow, that was forever ago!' In my mind, that's a good thing.
I spend my days now working, volunteering, playing with my multitude of animals, juggling my child's activities, both social and academic, enjoying time with dear friends, and loving my husband (and not necessarily in that order). I still struggle with depression and anxiety but nowhere near to the extent of how I suffered five years ago.
This year we learned that my not-so-little Cha is a Brainy McBrainerson. She was evaluated and placed in the gifted program and I am constantly blown away by her school projects and how easily she learns. Last month we traveled to DC with a few girlfriends and attended the Science and Engineering Festival at the DC Convention Center. The whole event was one big WOW. I will say that I was only more excited than she was because I had the joy of watching how excited she was. There was so much to see and do and there was a LOT of walking, so my girl begged many times to just sit down and rest. However, the moment she took a break she'd get excited about one more thing that she wanted to see and then we were off and running again. There are no words to say how proud and in awe I am of her.
Favorite picture from the weekend?
This gorgeous cheerleader is getting her PhD in microbiology.
Smart girls RULE!
So much more to ramble about but I think I'll cut it short here. I gotta get back into my blogging habit.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Merry Christmas
October, November and December are tough months for me. Too many troubling anniversaries. Too many to list, and quite frankly I don't have the emotional energy to do so.
I am learning to keep my thoughts to myself. As much as I feel that sharing is good for the soul, I also know that my thoughts and beliefs are precious to me and sharing with the 'wrong people' kinda ruins things.
I spent the Thanksgiving holiday with family and it was priceless. My father had a stroke and I was able to stay with him longer than expected and take care of things. What a gift that was.
I am home now rushing to get Christmas ready for my 8 year old. Putting up the tree, picking out this year's ornament and snow globe helped put me in the mood.
Soon enough it will be January and then February and the sad anniversaries will be behind me. Until then I am taking it moment by moment.
Merry Christmas.
JJ
I am learning to keep my thoughts to myself. As much as I feel that sharing is good for the soul, I also know that my thoughts and beliefs are precious to me and sharing with the 'wrong people' kinda ruins things.
I spent the Thanksgiving holiday with family and it was priceless. My father had a stroke and I was able to stay with him longer than expected and take care of things. What a gift that was.
I am home now rushing to get Christmas ready for my 8 year old. Putting up the tree, picking out this year's ornament and snow globe helped put me in the mood.
Soon enough it will be January and then February and the sad anniversaries will be behind me. Until then I am taking it moment by moment.
Merry Christmas.
JJ
Thursday, October 3, 2013
hearing but not listening
That was the title of the last string of emails my brother sent out. It was nine months before he took his life.
He did not have a history of being stable in his life. He did have a history of sending middle of the night emails to the family, lashing out for one thing or another. There were mornings I would wake up to one of his rants and just delete the message without reading. Other times I would move them to the 'Keith' folder and just let them sit.
I have read the 'Keith' folder many times over the last nearly four years. I would like to say that I examined his messages again and again, looking for some kind of hint that he would take his life. Truth be told, it wasn't too much of a surprise. The hints screamed at us with bitter rage. I knew he was troubled. The whole family knew. Sadly, there isn't much you can do to help someone who refuses to accept help.
My brother has been on my mind quite a bit this last week, as have all my siblings. I dove into some of Keith's old emails and actually managed to look at them with new eyes. I saw something different in the words he had written. There wasn't so much anger and rage as pain and desperation. How had I never noticed that before?
I am certain that there is nothing I could have said or done to prevent his actions on his final painful day on Earth. I will admit that I was guilty of hearing but not listening, but in my defense I'm not sure listening would have made a difference.
Lost in the string of messages containing foul language and awkward accusations I found a note he had written on December 10, 2007, shortly after my cancer diagnosis. I must have read it before but today I was 'listening'. May this be the Keith I remember for years to come.
He did not have a history of being stable in his life. He did have a history of sending middle of the night emails to the family, lashing out for one thing or another. There were mornings I would wake up to one of his rants and just delete the message without reading. Other times I would move them to the 'Keith' folder and just let them sit.
I have read the 'Keith' folder many times over the last nearly four years. I would like to say that I examined his messages again and again, looking for some kind of hint that he would take his life. Truth be told, it wasn't too much of a surprise. The hints screamed at us with bitter rage. I knew he was troubled. The whole family knew. Sadly, there isn't much you can do to help someone who refuses to accept help.
My brother has been on my mind quite a bit this last week, as have all my siblings. I dove into some of Keith's old emails and actually managed to look at them with new eyes. I saw something different in the words he had written. There wasn't so much anger and rage as pain and desperation. How had I never noticed that before?
I am certain that there is nothing I could have said or done to prevent his actions on his final painful day on Earth. I will admit that I was guilty of hearing but not listening, but in my defense I'm not sure listening would have made a difference.
Lost in the string of messages containing foul language and awkward accusations I found a note he had written on December 10, 2007, shortly after my cancer diagnosis. I must have read it before but today I was 'listening'. May this be the Keith I remember for years to come.
Dad forwarded your blog to me tonight, some of which I did read, and the rest I will have to get back to since I worked 10 hours today and am just getting home and have to be up for work by 8:00.
I am sorry that you and I have lost touch and don't talk to each other that much anymore, I hope that it's nothing that I have said or done.Well, I hope that everything turns out well and that you come through this 100%.Please tell Matt and Cha that I said hello, and have a good holiday.Love, Keith
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
I'm Good
Today, I am good. Things are good and (knock wood) they have been for a while.
I had my regular morning call with the hubby an hour ago and we agreed, things are good. He leaves for work very early so he calls in the morning to say hello and check in. Today's check in was, well 'good'. We have worries, complaints, and pains but they are tiny compared to the amount of good in our house, lives and selves. We had a wonderful summer filled with friends, family and memories that will last forever.
My little Cha is more than good. She is back in school and so far every day has been 'awesome!'. She loves her teacher, her school work, her classmates and even her bus. Yes, she's riding the bus again this year. Last year I drove her myself because the bus was such an issue. It wasn't until last week that I agreed to let her back on the bus. I was nervous for her but she said she wanted to try. And, it's going smoothly. She has matured so much in the last 12 months. I am incredibly proud of the person she is and tell her all the time how well she is handling things.
Sadly, she got the worry gene from me so overcoming bad thoughts is a daily obstacle. But she's doing so well (which helps with my bad thoughts).
I'm good.
I had my regular morning call with the hubby an hour ago and we agreed, things are good. He leaves for work very early so he calls in the morning to say hello and check in. Today's check in was, well 'good'. We have worries, complaints, and pains but they are tiny compared to the amount of good in our house, lives and selves. We had a wonderful summer filled with friends, family and memories that will last forever.
My little Cha is more than good. She is back in school and so far every day has been 'awesome!'. She loves her teacher, her school work, her classmates and even her bus. Yes, she's riding the bus again this year. Last year I drove her myself because the bus was such an issue. It wasn't until last week that I agreed to let her back on the bus. I was nervous for her but she said she wanted to try. And, it's going smoothly. She has matured so much in the last 12 months. I am incredibly proud of the person she is and tell her all the time how well she is handling things.
Sadly, she got the worry gene from me so overcoming bad thoughts is a daily obstacle. But she's doing so well (which helps with my bad thoughts).
I'm good.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
puppy poetry
We rescued a dog and she's the sweetest little thing. She has bonded with me since I am the primary caregiver, but the rest of the family doesn't seem to mind.
I talk to her quite a bit and she is a serious listener. I wrote a little poem for her and recite it to her when we go out for walks. It sums her up perfectly.
eat
poop
play
love, love, love
sleep
I talk to her quite a bit and she is a serious listener. I wrote a little poem for her and recite it to her when we go out for walks. It sums her up perfectly.
eat
poop
play
love, love, love
sleep
ChiChi
3 year old Chihuahua
My Shadow
Monday, March 18, 2013
my family of three
I am a social butterfly. All my life I have fluttered around people and places, making new friends and experiencing new things. It's always been important to me to expand my circle of friends, or orbit as I call it. Young Me was very big on expanding my orbit. I loved meeting people and finding connections.
When I was a nanny in DC I had to meet all the other nannies, to keep them in my circle because you'd just never know. That whole six degrees of separation thing was fascinating to me. Not in a social climbing way, but in a 'Wow, this world is so friggen small!' kinda way.
Several years ago I realized that my orbit was becoming a major source of stress and started separating myself from others. There's a downfall to opening your arms so wide. Conflicting personalities, beliefs and points of views can lead to unnecessary sadness and grief, especially when you're already dealing with death, depression and cancer. Not to mention keeping drama at bay when you're concentrating on your child's health and happiness.
This isn't to say that I've become less tolerant. I still believe to each it's own, and fully support others right to their own beliefs. However, my priorities are reduced to my little family of three and surrounding us with those who help to provide a positive environment. My orbit is now a wee bit smaller (understatement).
The transformation has not been easy. I carry tremendous guilt over the people who are now at arm's length. My personality (disorder) has always been one to put others before myself. To get overly involved and try to help others, often at my own expense. I feel incredible sadness thinking of relationships that have come in an end. I've cried over the friends and family who are no longer there. But I wish them well. Deep down I know that this is what needs to happen to move my family of three in the right direction. This is what needs to happen to place us on the right path and keep us happy, healthy and safe.
We three are good people. We work hard to lead a good and just life.
And I love them so.
When I was a nanny in DC I had to meet all the other nannies, to keep them in my circle because you'd just never know. That whole six degrees of separation thing was fascinating to me. Not in a social climbing way, but in a 'Wow, this world is so friggen small!' kinda way.
Several years ago I realized that my orbit was becoming a major source of stress and started separating myself from others. There's a downfall to opening your arms so wide. Conflicting personalities, beliefs and points of views can lead to unnecessary sadness and grief, especially when you're already dealing with death, depression and cancer. Not to mention keeping drama at bay when you're concentrating on your child's health and happiness.
This isn't to say that I've become less tolerant. I still believe to each it's own, and fully support others right to their own beliefs. However, my priorities are reduced to my little family of three and surrounding us with those who help to provide a positive environment. My orbit is now a wee bit smaller (understatement).
The transformation has not been easy. I carry tremendous guilt over the people who are now at arm's length. My personality (disorder) has always been one to put others before myself. To get overly involved and try to help others, often at my own expense. I feel incredible sadness thinking of relationships that have come in an end. I've cried over the friends and family who are no longer there. But I wish them well. Deep down I know that this is what needs to happen to move my family of three in the right direction. This is what needs to happen to place us on the right path and keep us happy, healthy and safe.
We three are good people. We work hard to lead a good and just life.
And I love them so.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
blame the couch
I've got a lot on my mind. Life has been challenging, both good and bad, recently. Lots and lots of thinking going on in my head. Some days I long for a place to put it all out there, write it all down and organize the details of my scattered thoughts. Other days I know it's best to give it a rest, allow the tangled words settle in my brain before letting it out. Most days it's those 'other days' that win out. Silence is golden.
Last night was a 'some day'. I had things to say and witty ways to say it. It was the end of a very long and eventful day, filled with thoughts, emotions, conclusions and clarity. For twenty minutes I sat on my couch and wrote it all out in my head. Every word, comma, and paragraph was exactly as I wanted it to be. Had you read it you would have nodded your head and simply said 'Yep'.
But then I closed my eyes and smiled at how wonderful it felt to put my feet up and relax on the couch. I woke up hours later without a blog-thought in my head. It was all gone.
The highlights in cliche form? I am what I am. It's okay not to like me. I've lived 45 years and am happy in my head and in my heart. You are either with me or you aren't. There's nothing I can (or will) do to change things. I am busy doing the next right thing.
Do what you feel in your heart to be right for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt.
Last night was a 'some day'. I had things to say and witty ways to say it. It was the end of a very long and eventful day, filled with thoughts, emotions, conclusions and clarity. For twenty minutes I sat on my couch and wrote it all out in my head. Every word, comma, and paragraph was exactly as I wanted it to be. Had you read it you would have nodded your head and simply said 'Yep'.
But then I closed my eyes and smiled at how wonderful it felt to put my feet up and relax on the couch. I woke up hours later without a blog-thought in my head. It was all gone.
The highlights in cliche form? I am what I am. It's okay not to like me. I've lived 45 years and am happy in my head and in my heart. You are either with me or you aren't. There's nothing I can (or will) do to change things. I am busy doing the next right thing.
Do what you feel in your heart to be right for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Cancerversary
Five years is a big day in the cancer world. I realize how incredibly lucky I am. It has been a very emotional experience.
I found a wonderful community of breast cancer sisters at BCO when I was first diagnosed and those ladies offered a tremendous support system. The love, kindness, strength and knowledge surpassed any other resource.
The BCO discussion board has a long running Angel thread listing those who succumbed to this terrible disease. It's a humbling read and I check it regularly and say prayers for their families.
Here are the ladies who have passed since my diagnosis.
Lisa40 - Lisa Turner, 12/14/07
fitzpatti, Pat Fitzpatrick - 12/26/07
CY, b445, Cheryl Thomason - 2/19/08
Jenben25 - Jennifer Lynn Buron - 1/23/08
ForTheMoment - Erin Elise Van Dyke - 3/13/08
Debbie Miller - 3/13/08
Shepgirl - Kathryn Bronson - 3/12/08
Joanne1428 - Joanne Patricia Schweitzer - 3/19/08
fd411 - Ferne Dixon - 3/23/08
kelownagirl - Jill - 4/08
skirk - Sherri Kirk - friend of jonimb - 4/10/08
PaulaBeth - May 3, 2008
labradorsandra - Sandra Branton - 3/24/08
Valsul-Valerie Sullivan-Cheshire, UK - 6/13/08
ocinny414 - CindyKS - 6/16/08
KariLynn - Kari Lynn Spiers - Pittsburg, KS, 7/3/08
Kimmie39 - Kimberly Dawn Franklin - Winchester, VA 7/4/08
Pauline Jones - England - 6/7/08
Monica Pieterse - 27 yrs old - 7/10/08
Feeval, Valerie S.Juzna, - 9/26/08
Jacqueline Schevarth - 10/08
mother of mymothersbaby - 8/13/08
Melbourne Mum(Ruth) - June 30th 2008
JillT - Jill Tollefson - 10/08
jonimb - 10/22/08
jodian (Jodi Squire ) - 11/13/08
Tricia45 - 12/4/08
joyh (mother of kgodwin03) - 12/08
ShenD - 12/27/08 Bevnurse - - 10/29/08
Fancy - Kay Galipeau - 12/21/08
roja1955, Pat - 12/31/08
AlaskaDeb, Debbie Clonan - 1/25/09
HeatherBLocklear, "Annie Camel Tail", Annette Olsen-Fazi - 1/31/09
Blessed4, Angela Martinez-Medina - 2/14/09
freeariesonline, Robin Snyder - 2/10/09
CalGal, Julie - 2/19/09
Twink, Twilah Richardson - 2/22/09
arc229, Amy Comeau -3/3/09
slonedeb Deborah Lynne Slone - 4/3/09
Maya1 - 4/6/09
Patty4, Patricia A. Finnegan - 3/26/09
Toyful, Michelle Buffington - 4/27/09
sueeco, Sue Holmes - 5/6/09
waterlily, Ruth - 5/23/09
AZDarleen - 6/6/09
JerseyMaria, Donna Marie Dickscheid - 6/14/09
Kiminjax, Kim Barbato - 4/28/09
FLLoriK - 6/23/09
RanD, Randie Cipperly - 7/1/09
VickiG, Vicki Gallahue - 7/10/09
rooni, Rusty Tarbill - 7/14/09
ozzie2, Marion Wright (Australia) - 7/24/09
pinehouse, Lani - 8/12/09
debshusband's wife, Deb - 6/30/09
Debman, Deborah Mancini Wharff - 7/14/09
Cyberrand, Randy - 9/09
motherof3, Jennifer Anthony - 8/27/09
SunshineSmiles, Susan G. Elliot - 9/11/09
mena, Linda Minczuk - 9/14/09
Heidi_Ho - 9/30/09
virginiamom, Paula - 10/11/09
Mrs_X_Sunneedazee, Amber - 10/14/09
lv2cmp, Amy Vinson - 10-18-09
FloridaLady (FlaLady), Debbie - 10/20/09
geeta75, Geeta Morris - 10/21/09
TripleNeg, Stephanie Babb - 10/29/09
Swimfan, Robin Hoof - 10/22/09
Divine777, Divine Saleh - 6/19/09
WendyV - 11/4/09
lvtotravel, Lydia Schmock- 11/7/09
bettelou68, Bette George Dietrick - 11/28/09
Phyllis - 12/27/09
MREanes, Mike Eanes - 1/1/10
LynnW, Lynn Weymark - 10/20/09
riverinerabbit, Caerli - 1/18/10
kimmytoo - 1/10
denisela, Denise Parro - 1/24/10
Watson, Phyllis Gannon - 1/26/10
Kbugmom, Susan - 2/5/10
hatsarebetterthanwigs, Susie Hollingsworth - 2/16/10
abbyglp, Gale Louise Purifoy - 1/24/10
badboob67, Dianne - 2/2010
Steeny107, Michelle McAllister - 3/8/10
foxxf, Nicole - 2/21/10
wayover20, Patricia Alderete - 3/11/10
saint, Pat Wilson - 3/30/10
BonnieVA, Bonnie P. Kennedy - 3/16/10
Analemma, Brenda Roberts Funk - 4/15/10
Judiiiii, Judith K. Zemencuk - 3/3/10
kenzie57, Linda - 7/24/10
RobinTN, Robin - 6/29/10
zkacmom, Ginny Wood - 8/14/10
mason204, Cheryl - 8/19/10
BMDaley, Beth Daley - 8/22/10
Times3, Kendra - 8/2010
cwrightrn, Carole Wright - 9/12/10
AusAla or Beth Aus, Beth Ausborn - 9/24/10
nanalinda, Linda Henshaw - 9/24/10
egal, Ellen M. Gallagher - 9/17/10
heatherpalmerton, Heather Palmerton - 10/9/10
Irina - 10/14/10
dorfar, Dorothy Far Chrostek - 10/9/10
BCMomof3, Kristen - 10/27/10
EAD, Liz Cataldo -11/15/10
Tyra, Tyra Taylor-Hughes - 11/19/10
ChocolateLover, Michelle Brown - 12/8/10
Nine_Rugrats, Tonya - 12/2010
CarynRose, Caryn Rosenberg - 12/29/10
BMarie, Barbara Doss McLaren - 8/14/10
Angelsabove - 1/01/11
Melissa Braddy, MissyBraddy - 9/30/09
diana63 - 1/2011
Bopeep, Linora, MizSissy, Linda Swift - 1/17/11
Getwell, Pat - 1/15/11
Carolyn Habryl - 2/2011
LisaSDCA - 2/10/11
RobinWendy - 2/21/11
EyesOTex, Dana Crisp - 2/20/11
Melanie36 - 11/2010
DebZaz - 3/16/11
Olga Simkin Z"L - 3/23/11
khartoregon, Karen Hart - 3/1/11
g94u67, Jeannine Aresti - 4/13/11
teachersally8467, Sally C. Saroca-Pelington - 4/12/11
PauldingMom, Lisa Baumgart - 5/8/11
JustPayton, Samantha Pritchett - 5/18/11
BeckyOD, Rebecca Ponitzman Odonovan - 4/30/11
Pee, Paula Gerding - 6/10/11
luvmywife's wife, Amy - 4/5/11
konakat, Elizabeth Blair - 6/14/11
Leanneh, Leanne J. Hubley - 5/6/11
Robin-Kaye - 4/12/11
jleigh, Jennifer L. Phelps - 6/21/11
lindaa - 6/14/11
karendunn36 - 5/30/11
marshakb, Marsha K. Benningfield - 7/2/11
DARLENEDENISE, Darlene Denise Atkins - 5/30/11
mjsmom - 7/24/11
dragonfly, Debra - 5/7/11
Junie - 8/1/11
LibraryJenn, Jennifer Rae (Drury) Climenhaga - 7/22/2011
shan1171 - 8/18/11
sheaves, Donna - 9/7/11
katie11, Katie Staples - 8/4/11
Frankie_ , Francesca Foreman-McInnes - 2011
JoyRebecca, Joy Heady - 10/3/11
LC815, Linda Conner - 10/16/11
Goody, Marta Dailey Goodman - 9/14/11
Lashon2008, Lashon Baldwin - 10/2011
lisahugs1, Lisa Scznsny, - 10/2010
HollyinMich, 11/21/11 Lifestooshort, Laurie Ann Lasee - 11/10/11
mossybaby, Yvonne Depew - 12/13/11
Ruth1, Ruth Flick - 12/12/11
FightnF8, Lorelei - 1/1/12
LivingIt, Vivian Zoh Murphy - 1/10/12
Donnabee - 1/4/12
Ann R - 1/8/12
MJ6266,rd Luno Mary - 1/26/12
jloon, Jackie Mountford Lunot - 1/25/12
VC1, Vicki - 1/28/12
starbeauty, Esther - 2/9/12
Honeybear, Jennifer Killian - 2/14/12
Bruburn, Nicole Brufatto-Hepburn - 2/12/12
Alpal, Allison Orendorf Walter - 3/1/12
jintski, Sally - 3/2/12
LinTol, Linda Ann Toland - 1/31/12
EricV - 2/7/12
laurajane, Laura Jane Shively - 3/10/12
imbell, Mary Leila Bell - 1/9/12
Suze35 - 3/12/12
Deep81, Gurdeep Khangura - 1/2012
MBJ, Mary Jahn - 3/15/12
pamelajo, Pamela Jo Pruett - 7/5/11
BusQueen, Carie Gasperz - 3/2012
clemson93, Susan Barrineau Jones - 3/24/12
kathy36, Katherine Russell Rich - 4/3/12
Canchaser, Amy - 4/5/12
4everhopeful, Helen - 4/1/12
WingsofHope, Dana - 4/22/12
ksgeorge, Katrina George - 4/23/12
TexasKaren, Karen O'Briant - 4/27/12
elliem1207, Eleanor Miscioscia - 5/22/10
Jane_M, Jane Robert Murphy - 5/4/12
jeanne46 - 5/8/12
elleng, Joanna M. Klemm - 5/16/12
MJL, Martha Rall - 6/2012
stateofgrace33, Christine M. Cashell - 1/21/10
dreamwriter, Regina Evans - 7/2012
3katz, Amy - 6/21/12
blondelawyer, Lisa Worthington-Brown - 8/1/12
beccad - 8/6/12
jenn3, Jennifer Condit Grandolfo - 8/5/12
Reesie, Marie Giebel - 8/12/12
AngelaMBlack - 8/16/12
china, Dawn Watza - 8/14/12
marybe - 9/4/12
ma111 - 8/11/12
chillipadi, Carol Chua - 9/8/12
brenna - 10/1/12
lowrider54, Sharon - 11/21/12
Reneepals - 11/8/12
CTG - Laura McCarthy - 1/19/08
Kristen Lupton - 1/28/08
LeftyLu - 9/26/08
Tracy1964 - 10/15/08
heartwings59 - Gina Schonthaler - 10/26/08 UK
helen1 - Helen Mulloy, 12/18/08
hshi - Cindy Hunt, 11/18/08
Namid, Marlene Burt - 1/21/10
jankay - 9/19/2010
Bethmc, Beth McArdle - 3/21/11
Ladyjean or LJ, Lana Jean Healey - 4/24/11
Alicerainbow - 7/9/11
Olive
JulieAD or Cuddles, Julie Day Leavitt - 9/11/12
I found a wonderful community of breast cancer sisters at BCO when I was first diagnosed and those ladies offered a tremendous support system. The love, kindness, strength and knowledge surpassed any other resource.
The BCO discussion board has a long running Angel thread listing those who succumbed to this terrible disease. It's a humbling read and I check it regularly and say prayers for their families.
Here are the ladies who have passed since my diagnosis.
Lisa40 - Lisa Turner, 12/14/07
fitzpatti, Pat Fitzpatrick - 12/26/07
CY, b445, Cheryl Thomason - 2/19/08
Jenben25 - Jennifer Lynn Buron - 1/23/08
ForTheMoment - Erin Elise Van Dyke - 3/13/08
Debbie Miller - 3/13/08
Shepgirl - Kathryn Bronson - 3/12/08
Joanne1428 - Joanne Patricia Schweitzer - 3/19/08
fd411 - Ferne Dixon - 3/23/08
kelownagirl - Jill - 4/08
skirk - Sherri Kirk - friend of jonimb - 4/10/08
PaulaBeth - May 3, 2008
labradorsandra - Sandra Branton - 3/24/08
Valsul-Valerie Sullivan-Cheshire, UK - 6/13/08
ocinny414 - CindyKS - 6/16/08
KariLynn - Kari Lynn Spiers - Pittsburg, KS, 7/3/08
Kimmie39 - Kimberly Dawn Franklin - Winchester, VA 7/4/08
Pauline Jones - England - 6/7/08
Monica Pieterse - 27 yrs old - 7/10/08
Feeval, Valerie S.Juzna, - 9/26/08
Jacqueline Schevarth - 10/08
mother of mymothersbaby - 8/13/08
Melbourne Mum(Ruth) - June 30th 2008
JillT - Jill Tollefson - 10/08
jonimb - 10/22/08
jodian (Jodi Squire ) - 11/13/08
Tricia45 - 12/4/08
joyh (mother of kgodwin03) - 12/08
ShenD - 12/27/08 Bevnurse - - 10/29/08
Fancy - Kay Galipeau - 12/21/08
roja1955, Pat - 12/31/08
AlaskaDeb, Debbie Clonan - 1/25/09
HeatherBLocklear, "Annie Camel Tail", Annette Olsen-Fazi - 1/31/09
Blessed4, Angela Martinez-Medina - 2/14/09
freeariesonline, Robin Snyder - 2/10/09
CalGal, Julie - 2/19/09
Twink, Twilah Richardson - 2/22/09
arc229, Amy Comeau -3/3/09
slonedeb Deborah Lynne Slone - 4/3/09
Maya1 - 4/6/09
Patty4, Patricia A. Finnegan - 3/26/09
Toyful, Michelle Buffington - 4/27/09
sueeco, Sue Holmes - 5/6/09
waterlily, Ruth - 5/23/09
AZDarleen - 6/6/09
JerseyMaria, Donna Marie Dickscheid - 6/14/09
Kiminjax, Kim Barbato - 4/28/09
FLLoriK - 6/23/09
RanD, Randie Cipperly - 7/1/09
VickiG, Vicki Gallahue - 7/10/09
rooni, Rusty Tarbill - 7/14/09
ozzie2, Marion Wright (Australia) - 7/24/09
pinehouse, Lani - 8/12/09
debshusband's wife, Deb - 6/30/09
Debman, Deborah Mancini Wharff - 7/14/09
Cyberrand, Randy - 9/09
motherof3, Jennifer Anthony - 8/27/09
SunshineSmiles, Susan G. Elliot - 9/11/09
mena, Linda Minczuk - 9/14/09
Heidi_Ho - 9/30/09
virginiamom, Paula - 10/11/09
Mrs_X_Sunneedazee, Amber - 10/14/09
lv2cmp, Amy Vinson - 10-18-09
FloridaLady (FlaLady), Debbie - 10/20/09
geeta75, Geeta Morris - 10/21/09
TripleNeg, Stephanie Babb - 10/29/09
Swimfan, Robin Hoof - 10/22/09
Divine777, Divine Saleh - 6/19/09
WendyV - 11/4/09
lvtotravel, Lydia Schmock- 11/7/09
bettelou68, Bette George Dietrick - 11/28/09
Phyllis - 12/27/09
MREanes, Mike Eanes - 1/1/10
LynnW, Lynn Weymark - 10/20/09
riverinerabbit, Caerli - 1/18/10
kimmytoo - 1/10
denisela, Denise Parro - 1/24/10
Watson, Phyllis Gannon - 1/26/10
Kbugmom, Susan - 2/5/10
hatsarebetterthanwigs, Susie Hollingsworth - 2/16/10
abbyglp, Gale Louise Purifoy - 1/24/10
badboob67, Dianne - 2/2010
Steeny107, Michelle McAllister - 3/8/10
foxxf, Nicole - 2/21/10
wayover20, Patricia Alderete - 3/11/10
saint, Pat Wilson - 3/30/10
BonnieVA, Bonnie P. Kennedy - 3/16/10
Analemma, Brenda Roberts Funk - 4/15/10
Judiiiii, Judith K. Zemencuk - 3/3/10
kenzie57, Linda - 7/24/10
RobinTN, Robin - 6/29/10
zkacmom, Ginny Wood - 8/14/10
mason204, Cheryl - 8/19/10
BMDaley, Beth Daley - 8/22/10
Times3, Kendra - 8/2010
cwrightrn, Carole Wright - 9/12/10
AusAla or Beth Aus, Beth Ausborn - 9/24/10
nanalinda, Linda Henshaw - 9/24/10
egal, Ellen M. Gallagher - 9/17/10
heatherpalmerton, Heather Palmerton - 10/9/10
Irina - 10/14/10
dorfar, Dorothy Far Chrostek - 10/9/10
BCMomof3, Kristen - 10/27/10
EAD, Liz Cataldo -11/15/10
Tyra, Tyra Taylor-Hughes - 11/19/10
ChocolateLover, Michelle Brown - 12/8/10
Nine_Rugrats, Tonya - 12/2010
CarynRose, Caryn Rosenberg - 12/29/10
BMarie, Barbara Doss McLaren - 8/14/10
Angelsabove - 1/01/11
Melissa Braddy, MissyBraddy - 9/30/09
diana63 - 1/2011
Bopeep, Linora, MizSissy, Linda Swift - 1/17/11
Getwell, Pat - 1/15/11
Carolyn Habryl - 2/2011
LisaSDCA - 2/10/11
RobinWendy - 2/21/11
EyesOTex, Dana Crisp - 2/20/11
Melanie36 - 11/2010
DebZaz - 3/16/11
Olga Simkin Z"L - 3/23/11
khartoregon, Karen Hart - 3/1/11
g94u67, Jeannine Aresti - 4/13/11
teachersally8467, Sally C. Saroca-Pelington - 4/12/11
PauldingMom, Lisa Baumgart - 5/8/11
JustPayton, Samantha Pritchett - 5/18/11
BeckyOD, Rebecca Ponitzman Odonovan - 4/30/11
Pee, Paula Gerding - 6/10/11
luvmywife's wife, Amy - 4/5/11
konakat, Elizabeth Blair - 6/14/11
Leanneh, Leanne J. Hubley - 5/6/11
Robin-Kaye - 4/12/11
jleigh, Jennifer L. Phelps - 6/21/11
lindaa - 6/14/11
karendunn36 - 5/30/11
marshakb, Marsha K. Benningfield - 7/2/11
DARLENEDENISE, Darlene Denise Atkins - 5/30/11
mjsmom - 7/24/11
dragonfly, Debra - 5/7/11
Junie - 8/1/11
LibraryJenn, Jennifer Rae (Drury) Climenhaga - 7/22/2011
shan1171 - 8/18/11
sheaves, Donna - 9/7/11
katie11, Katie Staples - 8/4/11
Frankie_ , Francesca Foreman-McInnes - 2011
JoyRebecca, Joy Heady - 10/3/11
LC815, Linda Conner - 10/16/11
Goody, Marta Dailey Goodman - 9/14/11
Lashon2008, Lashon Baldwin - 10/2011
lisahugs1, Lisa Scznsny, - 10/2010
HollyinMich, 11/21/11 Lifestooshort, Laurie Ann Lasee - 11/10/11
mossybaby, Yvonne Depew - 12/13/11
Ruth1, Ruth Flick - 12/12/11
FightnF8, Lorelei - 1/1/12
LivingIt, Vivian Zoh Murphy - 1/10/12
Donnabee - 1/4/12
Ann R - 1/8/12
MJ6266,rd Luno Mary - 1/26/12
jloon, Jackie Mountford Lunot - 1/25/12
VC1, Vicki - 1/28/12
starbeauty, Esther - 2/9/12
Honeybear, Jennifer Killian - 2/14/12
Bruburn, Nicole Brufatto-Hepburn - 2/12/12
Alpal, Allison Orendorf Walter - 3/1/12
jintski, Sally - 3/2/12
LinTol, Linda Ann Toland - 1/31/12
EricV - 2/7/12
laurajane, Laura Jane Shively - 3/10/12
imbell, Mary Leila Bell - 1/9/12
Suze35 - 3/12/12
Deep81, Gurdeep Khangura - 1/2012
MBJ, Mary Jahn - 3/15/12
pamelajo, Pamela Jo Pruett - 7/5/11
BusQueen, Carie Gasperz - 3/2012
clemson93, Susan Barrineau Jones - 3/24/12
kathy36, Katherine Russell Rich - 4/3/12
Canchaser, Amy - 4/5/12
4everhopeful, Helen - 4/1/12
WingsofHope, Dana - 4/22/12
ksgeorge, Katrina George - 4/23/12
TexasKaren, Karen O'Briant - 4/27/12
elliem1207, Eleanor Miscioscia - 5/22/10
Jane_M, Jane Robert Murphy - 5/4/12
jeanne46 - 5/8/12
elleng, Joanna M. Klemm - 5/16/12
MJL, Martha Rall - 6/2012
stateofgrace33, Christine M. Cashell - 1/21/10
dreamwriter, Regina Evans - 7/2012
3katz, Amy - 6/21/12
blondelawyer, Lisa Worthington-Brown - 8/1/12
beccad - 8/6/12
jenn3, Jennifer Condit Grandolfo - 8/5/12
Reesie, Marie Giebel - 8/12/12
AngelaMBlack - 8/16/12
china, Dawn Watza - 8/14/12
marybe - 9/4/12
ma111 - 8/11/12
chillipadi, Carol Chua - 9/8/12
brenna - 10/1/12
lowrider54, Sharon - 11/21/12
Reneepals - 11/8/12
CTG - Laura McCarthy - 1/19/08
Kristen Lupton - 1/28/08
LeftyLu - 9/26/08
Tracy1964 - 10/15/08
heartwings59 - Gina Schonthaler - 10/26/08 UK
helen1 - Helen Mulloy, 12/18/08
hshi - Cindy Hunt, 11/18/08
Namid, Marlene Burt - 1/21/10
jankay - 9/19/2010
Bethmc, Beth McArdle - 3/21/11
Ladyjean or LJ, Lana Jean Healey - 4/24/11
Alicerainbow - 7/9/11
Olive
JulieAD or Cuddles, Julie Day Leavitt - 9/11/12
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
little things
It's very important to us that Cha grow up to be a wonderfully accepting, compassionate, and open minded woman. Since she was very young we talked to her about diversity and how people are free to love whomever their hearts tells them they love. We say that anyone can be together, as long as they love and care about each other, and no one is getting hurt. Boys can love boys, girls can love girls, and they can love each other.
One day I heard her talking with a friend. The girl had called a classmate gay and Cha said, 'It's okay to be gay, as long as he's happy.' Right on, baby.
But it seems that I've been concentrating too much on the same sex coupling side of diversity. The other night she asked me:
'Mom, is it okay for a white person to marry a Chinese person?'
We've never really discussed race, which I guess is a good thing since it shows her that it's not really an issue. I told her that yes, it's totally fine for different races to marry, providing they follow the golden rule - they have to love and care for each other, and not out to hurt anyone.
She said:
'Oh, okay.'
One day I heard her talking with a friend. The girl had called a classmate gay and Cha said, 'It's okay to be gay, as long as he's happy.' Right on, baby.
But it seems that I've been concentrating too much on the same sex coupling side of diversity. The other night she asked me:
'Mom, is it okay for a white person to marry a Chinese person?'
We've never really discussed race, which I guess is a good thing since it shows her that it's not really an issue. I told her that yes, it's totally fine for different races to marry, providing they follow the golden rule - they have to love and care for each other, and not out to hurt anyone.
She said:
'Oh, okay.'
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
journaling for the future
I started a journal for Cha before she was born. I'd write all the typical pregnancy details, telling her how much she was loved and wanted and then wrote out her birth story and her first few days of life. The journal includes ramblings on different topics I want her to know, and the 'real story' of things that are happening in her child hood. Such as, the real reason she's not allowed in a neighbor kid's house (because there are some drug issues and police involvement).
Such is the case for many new moms, I wrote in it pretty regularly for a while. And then I stopped. In my mind I didn't realize that I had stopped tho. Every night when I lay with her, putting her to bed, I write out in my mind journal entries. I draft them in my head with the intention of getting up once she fell asleep and put them down on paper. But then I'd fall asleep.
The other night I actually managed to stay awake and after she was out I got up and grabbed the book. I crept downstairs and sat on the couch to get caught up on my writing. I still can't believe what I saw.
The last entry in the book was September 29, 2006. The day of her first birthday. How is it possible that I haven't written anything in six years?! What was most disappointing was that I began the journal entry with how I was excited to celebrate her first birthday with.....
Then I stopped mid sentence. Ugh. I remember her first birthday clearly, tho I couldn't tell all the details. The food, the presents, her milestones. They are a faded memory. Not that it's necessarily important for her to know these things, but I actually enjoyed reading all the details up til that point. I had forgotten a bit of what was written, to be honest.
Such as this....when Cha was three weeks old we drove out west to introduce her to my parents and the rest of the family. I was a very nervous and unsure new mom and I was having a hard time with breastfeeding and pumping and making sure I wasn't breaking her. We were driving in Ohio and Cha had a massive blow out so we pulled over so I could change her. The blow out was so horrific that it was up her shirt, both front and back. The smell was almost blinding. I was not the most calm or graceful new mother so changing a mess of a diaper in the back seat of the car (did I mention it was 2 in the morning??) had me frazzled. Since I was a new mom and lacked experience I failed to pack a plastic bag to dispose of dirty diapers. There was no way I was going to keep that stink in the car so I threw it over my shoulder, onto the side of the side on the Ohio Turnpike. And that's when the state patrol pulled up and shined his light on me. I thought for sure he was going to arrest me for littering, or at least force me to go pick up the diaper. He got out of his car and started walking up to me. I cried out that my daughter had gotten sick and I had to change her clothes. He stopped dead in his tracks and thankfully kept his distance. He kept the spot light on me and waited for us to finish and drive off before he moved.
I tell this story to Cha every time we drive out west. She actually tells the story now and points out where it happened (she claims to remember the spot). Only it didn't happen in Ohio, it was Indiana, so says the journal. Thankfully the rest of it is correct.
So the other night I forced myself to stay up late and fill the journal in with the highlights of the last six years. I only got four years updated and skipped most of the details, which is sad because as they say the beauty is in the details.
Two days ago was the third anniversary of my brother's death. As expected, it hit me hard. I talked to Cha about him and I recounted some of my favorite memories. We talked about the drive out to my parent's house after he died and all the details surrounding that trip (including her calling the St. Louis Arch the castle where her brother lives). She asked how Uncle Keith died and I told her he was very sick and his body just broke down. That's enough to hold off a seven year old. In the journal however I wrote more detailed information regarding mental illness, depression and suicide. I'm hoping the 20 year old girl I imagine her to be when she reads this book will appreciate the honesty and agree that seven is a bit to young for such heavy topics. I also want her to know how powerfully strong her grandmother was, and understand how her death hit me so hard.
I'm looking forward to the day when she's old enough for adult conversations.
Such is the case for many new moms, I wrote in it pretty regularly for a while. And then I stopped. In my mind I didn't realize that I had stopped tho. Every night when I lay with her, putting her to bed, I write out in my mind journal entries. I draft them in my head with the intention of getting up once she fell asleep and put them down on paper. But then I'd fall asleep.
The other night I actually managed to stay awake and after she was out I got up and grabbed the book. I crept downstairs and sat on the couch to get caught up on my writing. I still can't believe what I saw.
The last entry in the book was September 29, 2006. The day of her first birthday. How is it possible that I haven't written anything in six years?! What was most disappointing was that I began the journal entry with how I was excited to celebrate her first birthday with.....
Then I stopped mid sentence. Ugh. I remember her first birthday clearly, tho I couldn't tell all the details. The food, the presents, her milestones. They are a faded memory. Not that it's necessarily important for her to know these things, but I actually enjoyed reading all the details up til that point. I had forgotten a bit of what was written, to be honest.
Such as this....when Cha was three weeks old we drove out west to introduce her to my parents and the rest of the family. I was a very nervous and unsure new mom and I was having a hard time with breastfeeding and pumping and making sure I wasn't breaking her. We were driving in Ohio and Cha had a massive blow out so we pulled over so I could change her. The blow out was so horrific that it was up her shirt, both front and back. The smell was almost blinding. I was not the most calm or graceful new mother so changing a mess of a diaper in the back seat of the car (did I mention it was 2 in the morning??) had me frazzled. Since I was a new mom and lacked experience I failed to pack a plastic bag to dispose of dirty diapers. There was no way I was going to keep that stink in the car so I threw it over my shoulder, onto the side of the side on the Ohio Turnpike. And that's when the state patrol pulled up and shined his light on me. I thought for sure he was going to arrest me for littering, or at least force me to go pick up the diaper. He got out of his car and started walking up to me. I cried out that my daughter had gotten sick and I had to change her clothes. He stopped dead in his tracks and thankfully kept his distance. He kept the spot light on me and waited for us to finish and drive off before he moved.
I tell this story to Cha every time we drive out west. She actually tells the story now and points out where it happened (she claims to remember the spot). Only it didn't happen in Ohio, it was Indiana, so says the journal. Thankfully the rest of it is correct.
So the other night I forced myself to stay up late and fill the journal in with the highlights of the last six years. I only got four years updated and skipped most of the details, which is sad because as they say the beauty is in the details.
Two days ago was the third anniversary of my brother's death. As expected, it hit me hard. I talked to Cha about him and I recounted some of my favorite memories. We talked about the drive out to my parent's house after he died and all the details surrounding that trip (including her calling the St. Louis Arch the castle where her brother lives). She asked how Uncle Keith died and I told her he was very sick and his body just broke down. That's enough to hold off a seven year old. In the journal however I wrote more detailed information regarding mental illness, depression and suicide. I'm hoping the 20 year old girl I imagine her to be when she reads this book will appreciate the honesty and agree that seven is a bit to young for such heavy topics. I also want her to know how powerfully strong her grandmother was, and understand how her death hit me so hard.
I'm looking forward to the day when she's old enough for adult conversations.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
getting there
This has been my 2012.
I am really looking forward to 2013. I'm excited to start a fresh new year.
I am really looking forward to 2013. I'm excited to start a fresh new year.
Friday, October 26, 2012
forty five
As much as I enjoy my daughter being seven, I am loving me being forty five. I've heard people say that as you get older you don't give a crap about things anymore. Age gives you the ability to say and do what you want, freely. I don't agree.
I will say that being 45 (much more than 44, 43, or even 40) has given me a buffer to not necessarily care how others feel about me. I am still sensitive to others and even more careful about how I behave, but my skin has grown thick. Snarky remarks or rude and sarcastic comments used to crush me. Now I have the ability to throw up my hands and say 'Oh well!'. That is something I could never do before my 45th birthday. It feels good.
I have watched many relationships slide away during the past five years. Some went quietly and naturally and others left with a loud boom. There are times past that I will cherish forever but everything happens for a reason and at the moment I am exactly where I am supposed to be and with who I am supposed to be with.
However, I do wish my body hadn't hit the wall and started breaking down. I feel like I'm aging on a fast track.
I will say that being 45 (much more than 44, 43, or even 40) has given me a buffer to not necessarily care how others feel about me. I am still sensitive to others and even more careful about how I behave, but my skin has grown thick. Snarky remarks or rude and sarcastic comments used to crush me. Now I have the ability to throw up my hands and say 'Oh well!'. That is something I could never do before my 45th birthday. It feels good.
I have watched many relationships slide away during the past five years. Some went quietly and naturally and others left with a loud boom. There are times past that I will cherish forever but everything happens for a reason and at the moment I am exactly where I am supposed to be and with who I am supposed to be with.
However, I do wish my body hadn't hit the wall and started breaking down. I feel like I'm aging on a fast track.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
seven
My darling girl is seven.
The other night at bedtime she read a book to me. I smiled at how well she read thinking back to when she was 3 and 4 and would cry because she couldn't read on her own.
We put the book down and I turned off the light. She rolled over and nuzzled me and then started chatting.
Cha: Mom, do you like to be called Mama or Mommy ?
Me: I like to be called whatever you feel like calling me.
Me: What do you like me to call you?
Cha: I like it when you call me Char or Baby Bear but I'd really like it if you called me Sunshine Bear because it reminds me of you singing You are My Sunshine every night and it makes me feel loved.
My sweet, little, innocent girl. At times she can be so challenging but she has the most amazing heart.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Monday night we went to our town's Halloween parade. She and I went alone while Matt stayed home studying. Driving around trying to find a parking space was tough. Especially since I forgot my glasses. I've got a bit of night blindness going on and some of our streets are barely lit. I asked Cha to help me look, since my glasses were at home. We eventually found a good spot and had fun at the parade.
Yesterday she had her 7 year well check. The first thing she said when we got in the car was 'Do you have your glasses?' I love how she knows me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We are having some issues with friends, or rather who should be considered friends. There are a group of girls who are not nice to her. She's become a target of sorts and it's super difficult to witness, much less experience. I've made calls to all the proper people but what it comes down to is that there are some not nice people in the world. There are people who are rude and mean, who want nothing more than to make you cry or feel uncomfortable about yourself. Those people can be nice and friendly and then suddenly strike out with unkind words leaving you to feel awful about yourself. Those people are not friends. They may invite you to play but that doesn't mean they have good intentions.
So my baby girl is learning about being the better person. About being polite and civil and being friendly to all. She is learning that people may not like you but that's okay. Not everyone has to like you and you don't have to like everyone.
She has wonderful friends both in and outside of school. She had a lovely birthday celebration with two of her BFFs from class. They went to a movie, then shopping and finally stopped for some frozen yogurt. There was lots of laughter and smiles and fun girl chatter. That, my dear Sunshine Bear, is what friendship is all about.
The other night at bedtime she read a book to me. I smiled at how well she read thinking back to when she was 3 and 4 and would cry because she couldn't read on her own.
We put the book down and I turned off the light. She rolled over and nuzzled me and then started chatting.
Cha: Mom, do you like to be called Mama or Mommy ?
Me: I like to be called whatever you feel like calling me.
Me: What do you like me to call you?
Cha: I like it when you call me Char or Baby Bear but I'd really like it if you called me Sunshine Bear because it reminds me of you singing You are My Sunshine every night and it makes me feel loved.
My sweet, little, innocent girl. At times she can be so challenging but she has the most amazing heart.
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Monday night we went to our town's Halloween parade. She and I went alone while Matt stayed home studying. Driving around trying to find a parking space was tough. Especially since I forgot my glasses. I've got a bit of night blindness going on and some of our streets are barely lit. I asked Cha to help me look, since my glasses were at home. We eventually found a good spot and had fun at the parade.
Yesterday she had her 7 year well check. The first thing she said when we got in the car was 'Do you have your glasses?' I love how she knows me.
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We are having some issues with friends, or rather who should be considered friends. There are a group of girls who are not nice to her. She's become a target of sorts and it's super difficult to witness, much less experience. I've made calls to all the proper people but what it comes down to is that there are some not nice people in the world. There are people who are rude and mean, who want nothing more than to make you cry or feel uncomfortable about yourself. Those people can be nice and friendly and then suddenly strike out with unkind words leaving you to feel awful about yourself. Those people are not friends. They may invite you to play but that doesn't mean they have good intentions.
So my baby girl is learning about being the better person. About being polite and civil and being friendly to all. She is learning that people may not like you but that's okay. Not everyone has to like you and you don't have to like everyone.
She has wonderful friends both in and outside of school. She had a lovely birthday celebration with two of her BFFs from class. They went to a movie, then shopping and finally stopped for some frozen yogurt. There was lots of laughter and smiles and fun girl chatter. That, my dear Sunshine Bear, is what friendship is all about.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
biopsy okay
Got the results from the biopsy and there is no sign of cancer or pre-cancer but I still need surgery to remove some 'stuff'. There's a chance they may find something alarming but I'm sure they won't. I'm scheduled for the end of September so I guess I'm in a holding pattern until then.
In the meantime I am down, down, down. It's coming up on the 2nd anniversary of my mother's passing and My God does that hurt. I miss her so much.
I have lost many people in my life - grandparents, aunts, uncles, a brother, cousins, friends, neighbors, co-workers - and understandably my mother's death has hit me the hardest. But this loss feels so unnatural. Someone is in your life and then they're gone. I know I carry her in my heart, but she is still gone. Disappeared, and it feels very wrong.
There are days when I feel like I'm still in shock. Days where I re-live every moment of the weeks following her death. There are pictures of her all over the house and I look at her urn every morning. I am so thankful that I have that little piece of her, literally. It's physical proof that she existed. I think I just may have gone mad if I didn't have some of her remains.
Anyway, that's where I am.
In the meantime I am down, down, down. It's coming up on the 2nd anniversary of my mother's passing and My God does that hurt. I miss her so much.
I have lost many people in my life - grandparents, aunts, uncles, a brother, cousins, friends, neighbors, co-workers - and understandably my mother's death has hit me the hardest. But this loss feels so unnatural. Someone is in your life and then they're gone. I know I carry her in my heart, but she is still gone. Disappeared, and it feels very wrong.
There are days when I feel like I'm still in shock. Days where I re-live every moment of the weeks following her death. There are pictures of her all over the house and I look at her urn every morning. I am so thankful that I have that little piece of her, literally. It's physical proof that she existed. I think I just may have gone mad if I didn't have some of her remains.
Anyway, that's where I am.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
five years
This time five years ago I was fretting. You see, I was in total denial about breast cancer believing absolutely that I would get it. Since my early 20s or maybe even before I had a fear that I'd get breast cancer. I had my first mammogram at 30 and held on to the 'all clear' letter for many years. After Cha was born I had another and there was a little something but I was breastfeeding so they thought maybe that was it. When I went back the following year they found something a little 'iffy' and they told me to come back in six months for another look. That six months was February 2007. But I didn't/wouldn't/couldn't think about it. I swallowed the thought in hopes that it would just go away but it didn't. It was on my mind constantly yet I was too paralyzed with fear to do anything about it.
Until November 2007 when I had a near breakdown and finally called to make the appointment. I still had the script from my doctor, which was another daily reminder folded up in my wallet. The days leading up to that call and the hours waiting for the appointment were hell. One panic attack after another and many tears. I'm a bit embarrassed to admit that months after the diagnosis I felt a bit of relief that I could finally stop worrying about getting breast cancer. The rest is blog history.
And now here we are, very aware that that the big five year anniversary is right around the corner. I've been dreaming up fun ways to celebrate the day with Matt, Cha and I because really it's a big day for them as well. But first there's a bit of a bump.
I am once again waiting for biopsy results. This time in my lady parts. Something has been going on there for a while. But instead of swallowing the fear I've been keeping my doctor in the loop. You see, the breast cancer that was a constant worry for decades did not kill me. I had it, I survived it, and I moved on.
I'm not panicking about the results. In my heart I'm thinking it's going to turn out all clear. It could be my survivor status, five years of growth and experience, woman's intuition or maybe just the Zoloft but I know I'm going to be fine.
I'll keep you posted.
Until November 2007 when I had a near breakdown and finally called to make the appointment. I still had the script from my doctor, which was another daily reminder folded up in my wallet. The days leading up to that call and the hours waiting for the appointment were hell. One panic attack after another and many tears. I'm a bit embarrassed to admit that months after the diagnosis I felt a bit of relief that I could finally stop worrying about getting breast cancer. The rest is blog history.
And now here we are, very aware that that the big five year anniversary is right around the corner. I've been dreaming up fun ways to celebrate the day with Matt, Cha and I because really it's a big day for them as well. But first there's a bit of a bump.
I am once again waiting for biopsy results. This time in my lady parts. Something has been going on there for a while. But instead of swallowing the fear I've been keeping my doctor in the loop. You see, the breast cancer that was a constant worry for decades did not kill me. I had it, I survived it, and I moved on.
I'm not panicking about the results. In my heart I'm thinking it's going to turn out all clear. It could be my survivor status, five years of growth and experience, woman's intuition or maybe just the Zoloft but I know I'm going to be fine.
I'll keep you posted.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Thankful
So much to be thankful for!
1) I am thankful that on this day I have been lice-free for twenty days. This is big. Towards the end of the school year Cha came home with lice, which is an evil bastard that we battled daily for three weeks. We were picking nits every single day, doing chemical and natural treatments way more often than we should, threw away bedding, overworked the hot water setting on the washing machine, sent all stuffed animals and soft sofa pillows to exile and went thru several packets of vacuum cleaner bags during that time. We did everything we were told and tried everything that was suggested. We are all now lice experts and I pray each and every day that they keep their distance. So many tears.
2) I am thankful (truly blessed) for the week we were able to spend with my dad. Or rather, the week he spent with us. Every summer we drive out and visit him but this year I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead we invited my dad to come visit us and he did. He took the train, which was a whole new experience and we had a great time hanging out, laughing, playing games and just talking. It truly was a gift and I pray that he can do it again next year.
3) I am thankful that I made it to 45. Forty five is old, no longer even middle aged, but my mind still feels youthful and I can appreciate things (and people) like never before. I've learned to keep my mouth shut, allow people to fail and redeem themselves on their own, hold dear friends closely, trust my gut, slow down and think, and don't suffer fools gladly.
4) I am thankful for the 230k+ miles that my little Subaru gave us before it went kaput. That car gave us its all and it was appreciated. We traded her in for another Toyota so we are now a two Toyota family, and totally loving it.
5) I am thankful (as always) for Craigslist for helping to bring the perfect desk into our home. The beautiful roll top desk which was purchased for $30 but didn't quite fit the family was traded for another beautiful desk which fits perfectly. It's big, but not too big, comfortable, and exactly what we needed.
6) I am thankful for my circle of friends, including those in the outer regions who help keep our small town life interesting and grounded while helping to keep our time at the local pool entertaining.
7) I am thankful for forgiveness, both received and given. I have learned that it's enough to forgive without amends being made by either party. Sometimes nothing else needs to be said, and that's okay.
8) I am thankful for a power air conditoning unit which keeps our home comfortable in these extreme 90+ degree temps. Holy Toledo it's hot!
9) I am thankful for the local library for allowing me to check out all formats of books, including audio which helps keep me sane during my new 24 mile commute. Our office moved and whereas I used to be a wonderful 8 miles from the office, I am now 24 miles away and have to take the dreaded Schuylkill Expressway to Philly. Audio books keep my mind off the craziness of the roads.
10) I am thankful for my life. I am alive.
1) I am thankful that on this day I have been lice-free for twenty days. This is big. Towards the end of the school year Cha came home with lice, which is an evil bastard that we battled daily for three weeks. We were picking nits every single day, doing chemical and natural treatments way more often than we should, threw away bedding, overworked the hot water setting on the washing machine, sent all stuffed animals and soft sofa pillows to exile and went thru several packets of vacuum cleaner bags during that time. We did everything we were told and tried everything that was suggested. We are all now lice experts and I pray each and every day that they keep their distance. So many tears.
2) I am thankful (truly blessed) for the week we were able to spend with my dad. Or rather, the week he spent with us. Every summer we drive out and visit him but this year I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead we invited my dad to come visit us and he did. He took the train, which was a whole new experience and we had a great time hanging out, laughing, playing games and just talking. It truly was a gift and I pray that he can do it again next year.
3) I am thankful that I made it to 45. Forty five is old, no longer even middle aged, but my mind still feels youthful and I can appreciate things (and people) like never before. I've learned to keep my mouth shut, allow people to fail and redeem themselves on their own, hold dear friends closely, trust my gut, slow down and think, and don't suffer fools gladly.
4) I am thankful for the 230k+ miles that my little Subaru gave us before it went kaput. That car gave us its all and it was appreciated. We traded her in for another Toyota so we are now a two Toyota family, and totally loving it.
5) I am thankful (as always) for Craigslist for helping to bring the perfect desk into our home. The beautiful roll top desk which was purchased for $30 but didn't quite fit the family was traded for another beautiful desk which fits perfectly. It's big, but not too big, comfortable, and exactly what we needed.
6) I am thankful for my circle of friends, including those in the outer regions who help keep our small town life interesting and grounded while helping to keep our time at the local pool entertaining.
7) I am thankful for forgiveness, both received and given. I have learned that it's enough to forgive without amends being made by either party. Sometimes nothing else needs to be said, and that's okay.
8) I am thankful for a power air conditoning unit which keeps our home comfortable in these extreme 90+ degree temps. Holy Toledo it's hot!
9) I am thankful for the local library for allowing me to check out all formats of books, including audio which helps keep me sane during my new 24 mile commute. Our office moved and whereas I used to be a wonderful 8 miles from the office, I am now 24 miles away and have to take the dreaded Schuylkill Expressway to Philly. Audio books keep my mind off the craziness of the roads.
10) I am thankful for my life. I am alive.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
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