hey kid

i am sad thinking about you.  i wish i could do something to pick you up out of this nightmare and give you a better life. a life where you love yourself and you feel confident that people love and care about you.  and protect you.  especially protect you.

but i am just a person and i cannot do all that i want to do.   i wish i had an endless supply of patience, money, time, and strength but i don't.  i have love but that has been proven not to be enough. i wish it were.

i think about you often and pray for your future.  please reach out to me.

April 21

Dear Mom,

Happy 70th Birthday.  This is the second birthday since you have passed and I'm just going to continue counting.   Had you still been here with us I wonder what we would have done to celebrate your big day.   I wonder where you'd be living and how healthy you would be.   I wonder if your children would still be talking to each other or your grandchildren for that matter.  And I wonder if you're spending today with your birthday buddy Aunt Florence, as you always do.   Tell her happy birthday from Cha and I and give her a hug on her first birthday in heaven.

Seven years ago when Matt and I were getting married and I picked your birthday as our anniversary I had no idea how emotional this day could be.   I hadn't thought out what would happen with our anniversary after you had passed, and how there would forever be a twinge of sadness.   My first thought this morning was not 'Happy Anniversary to my darling husband' it was 'It's Mom's birthday.'   We will be having fun and enjoying the day to honor both special occasions but if I could turn back time I'd make sure that each received their own day.

I miss you terribly and still think of you every day.   I have your wedding ring on a chain and on days when we have something fun scheduled I wear you around my neck so you can join us.   I don't have to take pictures of your granddaughter and send them to you, because you are there watching every moment.  

A funny story - I keep your urn on my bookcase, right next to Brother Keith.  A while back Cha and I turned the music up and were dancing from her room to ours.  She was really bouncing and when I looked up at the bookcase Keith's urn was rocking back and forth. What a dancing fool.  I took a video of it and really should post it because it was funny. 

This weekend we are planting flowers, going to brunch, stopping by a book reading and attending the Dogwood Pageant.  And missing you.   Tonight we're baking a little cake in your honor.

I love you and miss you and am grateful for the life you gave me.   

Stop Mom!!

This is life with a six year old girl.

Cha and I were crossing the street recently and she screams Stop Mom! I look down and she tells me: The yellow is hot lava. Don't step on it.

She has a very active imagination and the girl is always thinking (and talking and singing and moving).

It's a joy to experience but it's also exhausting.

Love her bunches.