How often do I think about the cancer? Every single morning.
I could wake up in the most fantastic mood ever, with a twinkle in my eye and a spring in my step. But the minute I step into the shower the cancer memories all come back. It's hard to overlook the lumps and the scars and strangely, the water falling on my arms that still have no feeling.
Every morning I start out remembering the call from Dr. Kripke and telling the September Moms that 'Yep, it's cancer.' I replay the diagnosis, the agonizing wait for the genetic test results and finally the surgery. I think about the first meeting with the plastic surgeon and how on that day recovery seemed like a million miles away. I also think about laying in the hospital bed for a week longing to wash my hair. I think about my first shower in the hospital and how fantastic the warm water felt against my skin. I think about showering with the drains at home and how when I stepped out of the tub I almost fainted when I got the first look at my whole body in the mirror. I was swollen and bruised and sore and tired and the tubes made me look non-human.
But now every day when I step out of my tub I am reminded that I've come a long way baby!
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Say it Ain't So!
I just got an email from my brother....
I think these kids need to spend a week with Auntie Ca to set them back on track.I just read your blog post regarding Cha and Tig and had to respond. Danielle, who always sleeps with our new kitten Dakota, started kicking her out at night. She says 'Kota' wants to sleep downstairs and carries her to the door. Michelle and I are totally surprised at this move, considering 3 weeks ago she couldn't fathom the idea of 'Kota' being in any other room.Has the Jenkins blood been purged through the feline filter? Is the end near?Dan
Maybe she's not mine?
'Mommy!'
Char screamed for me last night after I put her to bed. I rushed to her room and found her sitting upright with Tigger the kitten laying down next to her. Tig had his paws gently crossed and with his barely open eyes it was obvious that Char's scream just woke him up.
I asked her what was wrong and she said:
'I don't want kitty to sleep with me. Tell him to go away!'
What?! I didn't quite understand. She doesn't want the kitty to sleep with her? I'm not familiar with that line of thinking.
I explained that the kitty loved her and wanted to snuggle. I tried to tell her what an honor it is to have a kitty sleep with you. It meant you were special! She just wasn't buying it.
She put out her arm and tried to shove Tig off the bed. Being the wonderful feline that he is, he took it as an opportunity for some forced petting. He started rubbing his head against her arm and purring loudly. This ticked Char off royally! She was not in the mood and wanted that cat off her bed.
I kept putting Tigger on the floor and he kept jumping back up on the bed. I finally got him to settle down on the rocker but I'm sure once Char and I were both asleep he made his way back to her bed. He adores her and they are usually so cute together. I guess Char is that rare bird who doesn't appreciate snuggle time with a fur-baby.
I remember when I was a kid I had a cat named Kitty. I had to sleep with Kitty every night. She was an indoor/outdoor cat and if she wasn't in my room at bedtime I'd have to peak my head out the back door and call for her. She'd come running and I'd fall asleep with her wrapped around my neck. It was heaven.
Char screamed for me last night after I put her to bed. I rushed to her room and found her sitting upright with Tigger the kitten laying down next to her. Tig had his paws gently crossed and with his barely open eyes it was obvious that Char's scream just woke him up.
I asked her what was wrong and she said:
'I don't want kitty to sleep with me. Tell him to go away!'
What?! I didn't quite understand. She doesn't want the kitty to sleep with her? I'm not familiar with that line of thinking.
I explained that the kitty loved her and wanted to snuggle. I tried to tell her what an honor it is to have a kitty sleep with you. It meant you were special! She just wasn't buying it.
She put out her arm and tried to shove Tig off the bed. Being the wonderful feline that he is, he took it as an opportunity for some forced petting. He started rubbing his head against her arm and purring loudly. This ticked Char off royally! She was not in the mood and wanted that cat off her bed.
I kept putting Tigger on the floor and he kept jumping back up on the bed. I finally got him to settle down on the rocker but I'm sure once Char and I were both asleep he made his way back to her bed. He adores her and they are usually so cute together. I guess Char is that rare bird who doesn't appreciate snuggle time with a fur-baby.
I remember when I was a kid I had a cat named Kitty. I had to sleep with Kitty every night. She was an indoor/outdoor cat and if she wasn't in my room at bedtime I'd have to peak my head out the back door and call for her. She'd come running and I'd fall asleep with her wrapped around my neck. It was heaven.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Next Surgery - June 24th
I met with Dr. S early this morning. I was hoping to sleep in a little bit beforehand but Cha woke up at 5:00 am and refused to go back to sleep. She was a bundle of energy and refused to allow me to close my eyes for even a minute while she watched TV.
My appt was at 8:30 in Exton, which is usually only a 40 minute drive but it was prime school zone time so we hit every bus stop and school zone from here to there. It took just over and hour and I didn't get a chance to pick up a cup of coffee on the way.
I told Dr. S that I've been having problems with my right breast. There are a couple of hard areas right around the incision, which also happens to be the bra line. It hurts to wear a bra, especially the sports bras that I've been using to jog. He suggested I pad the area and see if it makes a difference. I've been massaging with cocoa butter and he said to concentrate in that area to try to work the hard spots out. We'll see what happens.
He also said that it's cool to schedule the Phase II surgery so we set it up for Tuesday June 24th. Less than two months to go! I am so excited to finally get it over with. I know I will feel better not to look at the obnoxious scars everyday and it will be nice to not think about it for a while.
I'll need to take a week or two off for recovery. He said it was a week or so but I had such a rough time after the first surgery that I don't want to push myself. My body didn't heal well thanks to the 'temporary' diabetes and I am expecting more of the same for the next surgery.
My appt was at 8:30 in Exton, which is usually only a 40 minute drive but it was prime school zone time so we hit every bus stop and school zone from here to there. It took just over and hour and I didn't get a chance to pick up a cup of coffee on the way.
I told Dr. S that I've been having problems with my right breast. There are a couple of hard areas right around the incision, which also happens to be the bra line. It hurts to wear a bra, especially the sports bras that I've been using to jog. He suggested I pad the area and see if it makes a difference. I've been massaging with cocoa butter and he said to concentrate in that area to try to work the hard spots out. We'll see what happens.
He also said that it's cool to schedule the Phase II surgery so we set it up for Tuesday June 24th. Less than two months to go! I am so excited to finally get it over with. I know I will feel better not to look at the obnoxious scars everyday and it will be nice to not think about it for a while.
I'll need to take a week or two off for recovery. He said it was a week or so but I had such a rough time after the first surgery that I don't want to push myself. My body didn't heal well thanks to the 'temporary' diabetes and I am expecting more of the same for the next surgery.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Why I love my Neighborhood
There are a 101 reasons to dislike my neighborhood, but here's my number one reason for staying here.
This was the scene outside the front door when we got home. Cha loves her girlfriends!
It was a beautiful day in Philly. Tomorrow I have a couple doctor appointments and then I head downtown to pick up my race packet for the Race for the Cure. I'll take Cha with me and we'll have some fun girly time.
This was the scene outside the front door when we got home. Cha loves her girlfriends!
It was a beautiful day in Philly. Tomorrow I have a couple doctor appointments and then I head downtown to pick up my race packet for the Race for the Cure. I'll take Cha with me and we'll have some fun girly time.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
me, me, me!
I know it seems redundant to declare a State of Selfishness on your personal blog but it's cheaper than a neon sign.
I had a session with my therapist yesterday and it was good. He prescribed a week+ of being selfish. I have been concentrating on making others happy and it's time to put myself first.
It's the nature of my family to be nice and please, please, please. You gotta put on a good face and keep up those social obligations. Make sure no one knows how miserable you are or more importantly how they're pissing you off.
This blog pretty much blew all that out the water. I have been honest since the get go and while I apologize if it led to hurt feelings, I wrote what I was experiencing at the time and it felt good to get it out. I realize there are seven sides to every coin but I was only sharing my point of view. I can't imagine even trying to hold all that in.
Now I've got to bring that to the real world and put me first. I have a plan of action to get myself healthy and that's my number one priority.
First on the agenda, continue my one hour a day routine of walking/jogging. It's a beautiful Sunday morning in Suburban Philadelphia so I'm off to put on my running shoes.
I had a session with my therapist yesterday and it was good. He prescribed a week+ of being selfish. I have been concentrating on making others happy and it's time to put myself first.
It's the nature of my family to be nice and please, please, please. You gotta put on a good face and keep up those social obligations. Make sure no one knows how miserable you are or more importantly how they're pissing you off.
This blog pretty much blew all that out the water. I have been honest since the get go and while I apologize if it led to hurt feelings, I wrote what I was experiencing at the time and it felt good to get it out. I realize there are seven sides to every coin but I was only sharing my point of view. I can't imagine even trying to hold all that in.
Now I've got to bring that to the real world and put me first. I have a plan of action to get myself healthy and that's my number one priority.
First on the agenda, continue my one hour a day routine of walking/jogging. It's a beautiful Sunday morning in Suburban Philadelphia so I'm off to put on my running shoes.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Depression
I'll out myself by admitting that I am severely depressed. It's been hell but I really am trying to get myself fixed. I am still seeing the therapist once a week and my doctor has upped my daily dose of anti-depressants.
I remember that Dr. Kripke warned me before surgery that most patients suffer from depression after all was said and done. He said the body is geared up to fight for so long that once there's nothing to fight it has a little breakdown. He said he was glad that I was taking anti-depressants beforehand because it would make things easier.
Well, I can't imagine how much worse it could get. This really is a dark period and knowing that I have such a good life and should be celebrating beating cancer only makes things worse. Life is beautiful but somehow I can't manage to open the front door in the morning.
In my quest to fix my brain I went to a breast cancer support group last night. I've known of this particular group for a while but have been reluctant to attend. I want to put the cancer behind me and not allow it to encompass my entire life. Yes I am a cancer survivor, but that's not all that I am. I know my family is sick of hearing about it (so I've heard many times) and I get tired of thinking of it myself. Did I really want to sit in a room with a bunch of strangers and obsess about it even more?
Surprisingly the support group turned out to be a very good thing. The women were all in different stages of recovery. I was the most recent and had the most surgery. I was also the only one who did not receive chemo or radiation and hearing the horror stories of those treatments made me happy with the path I decided to take. One of the women who had DCIS was nearing the end of her radiation treatment. She had cancer in one breast and asked her surgeon about a mastectomy. He told her it wasn't a good idea and refused to do it. Hearing my story she was sad that she wasn't allowed a mastectomy. It showed the importance of finding doctors who support you and that you feel comfortable with. I lucked out there, that's for sure.
All of the women in the room admitted that they suffered from debilitating depression after their treatment. On one hand it makes me feel better knowing that I'm normal, but on the other it drives me crazy because it's not something I can really fix. I just have to let it run it's course and try to keep my sanity in check.
After the meeting I walked out with a woman who is a long time survivor. She said she didn't attend the sessions for a long time because she didn't think she could handle it. Now that everything is behind her she feels the need to talk about it sometimes and doesn't want to burden her family.
Anyway, the bottom line is that I've lost my mind but I know where it is. I just have to find the patience to put it back together. In the meantime, go easy on me!!
I remember that Dr. Kripke warned me before surgery that most patients suffer from depression after all was said and done. He said the body is geared up to fight for so long that once there's nothing to fight it has a little breakdown. He said he was glad that I was taking anti-depressants beforehand because it would make things easier.
Well, I can't imagine how much worse it could get. This really is a dark period and knowing that I have such a good life and should be celebrating beating cancer only makes things worse. Life is beautiful but somehow I can't manage to open the front door in the morning.
In my quest to fix my brain I went to a breast cancer support group last night. I've known of this particular group for a while but have been reluctant to attend. I want to put the cancer behind me and not allow it to encompass my entire life. Yes I am a cancer survivor, but that's not all that I am. I know my family is sick of hearing about it (so I've heard many times) and I get tired of thinking of it myself. Did I really want to sit in a room with a bunch of strangers and obsess about it even more?
Surprisingly the support group turned out to be a very good thing. The women were all in different stages of recovery. I was the most recent and had the most surgery. I was also the only one who did not receive chemo or radiation and hearing the horror stories of those treatments made me happy with the path I decided to take. One of the women who had DCIS was nearing the end of her radiation treatment. She had cancer in one breast and asked her surgeon about a mastectomy. He told her it wasn't a good idea and refused to do it. Hearing my story she was sad that she wasn't allowed a mastectomy. It showed the importance of finding doctors who support you and that you feel comfortable with. I lucked out there, that's for sure.
All of the women in the room admitted that they suffered from debilitating depression after their treatment. On one hand it makes me feel better knowing that I'm normal, but on the other it drives me crazy because it's not something I can really fix. I just have to let it run it's course and try to keep my sanity in check.
After the meeting I walked out with a woman who is a long time survivor. She said she didn't attend the sessions for a long time because she didn't think she could handle it. Now that everything is behind her she feels the need to talk about it sometimes and doesn't want to burden her family.
Anyway, the bottom line is that I've lost my mind but I know where it is. I just have to find the patience to put it back together. In the meantime, go easy on me!!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Top Five!
Woo Hoo!
Route 422 Working Moms is now one of the top five Community Groups raising money for the Philly Race for the Cure! This is incredible and I am deeply grateful for all my friends and family who so generously donated to this fantastic cause.
Thank you!!
Route 422 Working Moms is now one of the top five Community Groups raising money for the Philly Race for the Cure! This is incredible and I am deeply grateful for all my friends and family who so generously donated to this fantastic cause.
Thank you!!
Monday, April 14, 2008
Love you Grandma!
Cha had a great visit with Grandma and Grandpa this weekend. She loved giggling with Grandpa and was so excited about her brand new turtle sandbox. Thanks for coming up to play and we can't wait to see you again soon.
Friday, April 11, 2008
R.I.P. Brian
What a sad day. One of my co-workers called early in the day to say that another co-worker had passed away. I was stunned. Brian was 52 and had a wonderful love of life. He loved traveling and made friends everywhere he went. He took cruises all over the world and always left the ship with newfound friends.
There will be a memorial service for Brian tomorrow night. I am going to miss him terribly. The world is a little sadder without him in it.
Here's a picture of Brian, he is the one on the right. I just love this shot. That man always had a smile.
There will be a memorial service for Brian tomorrow night. I am going to miss him terribly. The world is a little sadder without him in it.
Here's a picture of Brian, he is the one on the right. I just love this shot. That man always had a smile.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Surgical WOW!
I found a site that shows pictures of the DIEP surgery. It's very graphic but totally fascinating. I can't believe my body withstood that!
If you're interested, click here. The pictures are at the bottom.
If you're interested, click here. The pictures are at the bottom.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
the plastics guy
Dr. Kripke (formerly known as Dr. K the breast surgeon, I figure I can out him now that I'm not a current patient) used to refer to Dr. S as 'the plastics guy'. I always saw it as funny since I can't think of anything that Dr. S did that involved plastics. (Yes, I know the 'Plastikos' connection.) Dr. Kripke also mentioned many times that once the surgery was done I would be in the hands of Dr. S since he was the last to leave the room. I was so sad to lose Dr. Kripke and was so glad that he checked up on me when he didn't have to.
It's no secret that I have great respect for both surgeons. Dr. Kripke was incredibly compassionate and I will be forever grateful for how he treated me. How can I forget the man who gently told me that I had cancer? I'll always remember him for that.
I see Dr. S as my knight in shining armor. Dr. K took the cancer out but Dr. S helped keep me relatively sane post surgery and beyond (hmm, is that a bit redundant?). As I've stated before, I got terrible care at Paoli Hospital. In my mind Dr. S was the only one who was concerned with my recovery and I always breathed easier when he walked in the room.
This afternoon I had lunch with M, my online friend and fellow patient of Dr. S. We had a fantastic time chatting about our number one guy. We also talked about friends and family, the other women from the cancer message board, our disease, our jobs and co-workers and life in general. Altho this was our first meeting, there wasn't a single uncomfortable silence. We both blabbed endlessly and enjoyed telling our stories. We sat there for three and a half hours and if it weren't for our families waiting at home I'm sure we could have talked for another three. It was nice.
Dr. S. was nervous when he heard that M and I knew each other. I think he was paranoid about what we were saying. She and I both had complications and certainly weren't easy cases so I can see how he'd think we would blame him. Little does he know how highly we think of him and how important he has been in our lives. He has been responsible for putting our broken bodies together and for helping us to feel comfortable in our skin. That is not an easy task.
Big Hugs to My Hero - Dr. S, the boy genius.
It's no secret that I have great respect for both surgeons. Dr. Kripke was incredibly compassionate and I will be forever grateful for how he treated me. How can I forget the man who gently told me that I had cancer? I'll always remember him for that.
I see Dr. S as my knight in shining armor. Dr. K took the cancer out but Dr. S helped keep me relatively sane post surgery and beyond (hmm, is that a bit redundant?). As I've stated before, I got terrible care at Paoli Hospital. In my mind Dr. S was the only one who was concerned with my recovery and I always breathed easier when he walked in the room.
This afternoon I had lunch with M, my online friend and fellow patient of Dr. S. We had a fantastic time chatting about our number one guy. We also talked about friends and family, the other women from the cancer message board, our disease, our jobs and co-workers and life in general. Altho this was our first meeting, there wasn't a single uncomfortable silence. We both blabbed endlessly and enjoyed telling our stories. We sat there for three and a half hours and if it weren't for our families waiting at home I'm sure we could have talked for another three. It was nice.
Dr. S. was nervous when he heard that M and I knew each other. I think he was paranoid about what we were saying. She and I both had complications and certainly weren't easy cases so I can see how he'd think we would blame him. Little does he know how highly we think of him and how important he has been in our lives. He has been responsible for putting our broken bodies together and for helping us to feel comfortable in our skin. That is not an easy task.
Big Hugs to My Hero - Dr. S, the boy genius.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Allergies, chest cold, bronchitis or maybe West Nile Virus?
I feel like crap. It started last Wednesday and by Friday I was miserable and couldn't get out of bed. I'm not sure what it is but I'm having a hard time breathing and I can't stop coughing. I've emptied three Kleenex boxes and can't keep my eyes open.
Yesterday I was certain allergies were to blame so I obsessively swept and vacuumed the floors. This morning I took an allergy pill and it promptly zonked me out. I stopped coughing and sneezing but I was in a near coma for most of the day so I don't think it was worth it.
I picked up some Primatine Mist for the breathing problem and got instant relief but it wore off in about an hour and the box warns of using it too often.
This morning Matt and I had an appt with Dr. M2. It wasn't good. Life is hard and I need a break, or at least to start breathing easier.
It's 10:30 and I'm headed upstairs to gulp some Nyquil. Tomorrow I am supposed to have lunch with an online friend who is also a patient of Dr. S. We've been chatting for a couple of months but have never met in person. She has a surgery scheduled for this week so cross your fingers for her.
Next weekend my parents are coming to town to visit. Cha can't wait to play with Grandma and Grandpa again.
Yesterday I was certain allergies were to blame so I obsessively swept and vacuumed the floors. This morning I took an allergy pill and it promptly zonked me out. I stopped coughing and sneezing but I was in a near coma for most of the day so I don't think it was worth it.
I picked up some Primatine Mist for the breathing problem and got instant relief but it wore off in about an hour and the box warns of using it too often.
This morning Matt and I had an appt with Dr. M2. It wasn't good. Life is hard and I need a break, or at least to start breathing easier.
It's 10:30 and I'm headed upstairs to gulp some Nyquil. Tomorrow I am supposed to have lunch with an online friend who is also a patient of Dr. S. We've been chatting for a couple of months but have never met in person. She has a surgery scheduled for this week so cross your fingers for her.
Next weekend my parents are coming to town to visit. Cha can't wait to play with Grandma and Grandpa again.
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