I cannot concentrate. My mind is in a funk and I can't snap myself out of it. I feel like there are a million things I need to be doing and I am frantically running around trying to get them done, but since I'm not thinking well I keep forgetting what the heck I'm doing.
Tomorrow night I was planning on attending the Paoli breast cancer support group. The woman I met regarding my genetic testing in speaking and I would really like to hear her. But with learning about Jen's death yesterday I think I've had my fill of cancer related thoughts for the week. I spent countless hours last night re-reading her blog and researching her procedures. It was unnecessary but I couldn't stop myself. I need a day to step back and take a cancer break.
Well, kinda. Tomorrow night Kelly is having a fund raiser for our Race for the Cure team. She's selling Tastefully Simple and 20% of all sales will go to finding a cure. It will be a bunch of women, good food and wine and lots of laughter. Maybe that will kick me into happy days.
Besides the blahs I'm also itching like hell. My allergies are killing me and I have a sinus infection that is making my head feel like a balloon filled with oatmeal that is fixing to explode. The pressure and the drainage are painful. On top of that Pennsylvania weather is bonkers. A low pressure system with lots of rain and crappy allergens and bringing on a migraine.
Yea, I'm a coughing, sneezing, wheezing, sniffling grumpy mess.
Happy Wednesday to you.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Tears
I was doing my daily blog check when I nearly got the breath knocked out of me. I wasn't prepared for this. She was one of my inspirations when I was first diagnosed. She battled the disease and won! I learned much from her and thought of her often.
Rest in Peace Jen.
I'll be walking in your memory this year.
Cancer Sucks.
Rest in Peace Jen.
I'll be walking in your memory this year.
Cancer Sucks.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Another Sunday
Wow, I can't believe I haven't updated since the 5th. Time is flying.
I am stressing over money and Matt's case and trying to find hope that things will get better. I have a sinus infection and not breathing very well. My allergies are killing me and the weather lately has been depressing.
I have an appt with my shrink tomorrow. I am hopeful that she'll somehow give me a jolt of happy energy.
Here are some random pictures....
kristen G made these adorable cupcakes for our egg hunt. She's so talented.
Happy 60th birthday Pa!
I am stressing over money and Matt's case and trying to find hope that things will get better. I have a sinus infection and not breathing very well. My allergies are killing me and the weather lately has been depressing.
I have an appt with my shrink tomorrow. I am hopeful that she'll somehow give me a jolt of happy energy.
Here are some random pictures....
kristen G made these adorable cupcakes for our egg hunt. She's so talented.
Happy 60th birthday Pa!Sunday, April 5, 2009
Seven years of therapy
It was that kind of day. I feel like I experienced seven years of growth in a 24 hour period and it didn't cost me one single co-pay.
I spent the bulk of the day either getting ready for or enjoying my time at the Philadelphia Zoo with Matt and Cha. Matt and I decided early this morning that we wanted to see the animals. Actually, we planned on going to the local zoo which is a bit smaller. When we told Cha where we were going she said she was excited to see the elephants and zebras, neither of which the local zoo has so we headed downtown.
We had a fantastic time and I caught myself getting choked up several times during the day. Watching Cha react to the animals made me flashback to the zoo trips from my childhood. I loved going to the zoo and the whole process of getting ready, packing the car and driving up to the entrance. It was such an event and seeing the animals close up was such a treat. I pray that Cha grows up and remembers today fondly. She had an unusual amount of breakdowns today and I have a feeling that she's getting another ear infection, but I'm hoping she won't remember today's tears.
On the drive home I started feeling woozy and knew that a migraine was coming on. The sun, hours of walking and the Philly traffic was a bit too much so by the time we got home my head was pounding. I managed to nip it in the bud tho with a long nap in a cold dark room. I woke up feeling spent and drugged but the pain was gone. It was late so I fed Cha dinner, gave her a bath and went to the grocery store while Matt put her to bed.
On the way to the store I called Kristen. Oh boy. Where do I begin?
Kristen and I have known each other since we were five years old and she was my first ever BFF. We were inseparable when we were kids. Our families were close and she came on many of my favorite family vacations. Most of my best memories as a young girl include Kristen and now that I have a daughter I think of her often. Sitting on Cha's floor playing Barbies with her brings me back to playing Barbies at Kristen's house. She had all the cool accessories including the Barbie airplane and cars.
My family moved away in junior high and Kristen and I lost touch. A while back she started looking for me and thanks to the beauty of MySpace, Facebook and my brother Jim, we hooked up again. We emailed a bit and arranged to speak tonight.
From the very moment she answered the phone I felt at home and comfortable. Here was someone who shared my best times and knew me well. The words flowed easily and if it weren't for two dying cell phone batteries, we could have jabbed another hour.
We spoke about good times and bad and a bit about mutual friends. At one point the conversation took an unexpected turn. We were catching up on our families and next thing you know we were talking mommy issues. (Don't stop reading Mom!) Our mothers were (and still are) very much alike and as she talked about her mother I couldn't help but give my perspective. She also gave her perspective on recollections I have of my mother. Seriously, that's a pretty big wow.
Not that either of our upbringings were war zones but My Mother/My Self didn't become a best seller for no reason. Mother and daughter relationships are complicated and I am very aware of that now that I have a daughter of my own. I can't tell you how liberating it was having someone who lived my childhood with me give me her point of view. You know how you can spend a great day at the beach (0r the zoo!), stub your toe on the way to the car and then spend the rest of the day obsessing over your toe and totally forgetting about playing in the waves? Well, imagine having someone come back 30 years later and remind you of all those little details. Amazing.
At age 41 I am proud to say that I love my mother and I love Ann, Kristen's mother. They are both great women who worked hard, had fun and raised wild children. I pray that 40 years from now Cha has a BFF that she can reminisce about her mother with. And I pray that all the little stumbles (hers and mine) are overlooked and only great memories remain.
I spent the bulk of the day either getting ready for or enjoying my time at the Philadelphia Zoo with Matt and Cha. Matt and I decided early this morning that we wanted to see the animals. Actually, we planned on going to the local zoo which is a bit smaller. When we told Cha where we were going she said she was excited to see the elephants and zebras, neither of which the local zoo has so we headed downtown.
We had a fantastic time and I caught myself getting choked up several times during the day. Watching Cha react to the animals made me flashback to the zoo trips from my childhood. I loved going to the zoo and the whole process of getting ready, packing the car and driving up to the entrance. It was such an event and seeing the animals close up was such a treat. I pray that Cha grows up and remembers today fondly. She had an unusual amount of breakdowns today and I have a feeling that she's getting another ear infection, but I'm hoping she won't remember today's tears.
On the drive home I started feeling woozy and knew that a migraine was coming on. The sun, hours of walking and the Philly traffic was a bit too much so by the time we got home my head was pounding. I managed to nip it in the bud tho with a long nap in a cold dark room. I woke up feeling spent and drugged but the pain was gone. It was late so I fed Cha dinner, gave her a bath and went to the grocery store while Matt put her to bed.
On the way to the store I called Kristen. Oh boy. Where do I begin?
Kristen and I have known each other since we were five years old and she was my first ever BFF. We were inseparable when we were kids. Our families were close and she came on many of my favorite family vacations. Most of my best memories as a young girl include Kristen and now that I have a daughter I think of her often. Sitting on Cha's floor playing Barbies with her brings me back to playing Barbies at Kristen's house. She had all the cool accessories including the Barbie airplane and cars.
My family moved away in junior high and Kristen and I lost touch. A while back she started looking for me and thanks to the beauty of MySpace, Facebook and my brother Jim, we hooked up again. We emailed a bit and arranged to speak tonight.
From the very moment she answered the phone I felt at home and comfortable. Here was someone who shared my best times and knew me well. The words flowed easily and if it weren't for two dying cell phone batteries, we could have jabbed another hour.
We spoke about good times and bad and a bit about mutual friends. At one point the conversation took an unexpected turn. We were catching up on our families and next thing you know we were talking mommy issues. (Don't stop reading Mom!) Our mothers were (and still are) very much alike and as she talked about her mother I couldn't help but give my perspective. She also gave her perspective on recollections I have of my mother. Seriously, that's a pretty big wow.
Not that either of our upbringings were war zones but My Mother/My Self didn't become a best seller for no reason. Mother and daughter relationships are complicated and I am very aware of that now that I have a daughter of my own. I can't tell you how liberating it was having someone who lived my childhood with me give me her point of view. You know how you can spend a great day at the beach (0r the zoo!), stub your toe on the way to the car and then spend the rest of the day obsessing over your toe and totally forgetting about playing in the waves? Well, imagine having someone come back 30 years later and remind you of all those little details. Amazing.
At age 41 I am proud to say that I love my mother and I love Ann, Kristen's mother. They are both great women who worked hard, had fun and raised wild children. I pray that 40 years from now Cha has a BFF that she can reminisce about her mother with. And I pray that all the little stumbles (hers and mine) are overlooked and only great memories remain.
Friday, April 3, 2009
the working mom thing
So, being a working mom leads to a different kind of soul searching than a mom who stays at home with her child. Both moms have to make very serious decisions for and on behalf of their child. I'm sure both are difficult and neither side has it any easier than the other.
This is what I'm currently dealing with....
Cha has been at the same daycare since she was nine weeks old. With very few exceptions the teachers and students have all been the same. There are several children that Cha has been with nearly every day since she was an infant. They act like siblings, which helps me feel better since Cha will be my one and only. It's been a real joy for me to watch these darling children grow and see the kind of people they are becoming.
I have watched one of her classmates closely since day one. He was eight months old when I first laid eyes on him but even back then I had a feel that he was bad news. I hate to label a child, but he put off this 'bad egg' vibe from a very early age. I was relieved when he was eventually moved into an older class and no longer with Cha every day. Fortunately this six month age gap kept him in different classes so she didn't have to deal with him every day. Well that all changed six months ago when Cha graduated to the 3 year old room.
For the past six months I've been hearing Cha talk about how this boy hits, kicks, bites and pushes her friends. I've witnesses it many times and have spoken to him in the same way I would hope friends would speak to Cha if they saw her behave poorly. This boy has run up to me many times at the end of the day to admit his bad deeds.
'I pushed Cha on the ground and made her bleed. Miss MJ put me in time out.'
He also has the habit of running up and trying to tackle or um, fondle other parents. I remarked to some friends one afternoon that this boy runs up to me and tries to grab my breasts with both hands. A week later another mom admitted that he did the same thing to her, only he had the nerve to actually go under the shirt! I'm telling you, this boy gives off a bad egg vibe.
I got a note from school recently that they are making some changes to the three year old room. It seems every year around the time the classes get super crowded. Starting next week there will be way too many three year olds for one room to handle, so they're splitting them into two smaller rooms. I'm sure you can imagine how many fingers I had crossed hoping that bad egg boy would be in a different class than Cha. I even spoke to the director several times about my preference.
When the class list came out and I saw that they were in the same room I was totally bummed. I tried to think positive. The boy was six months older so he should be moving up to the four year old room soon, right? And Cha was one of the biggest kids in class. She handles this boy better than most because she can hold her own. She's survived six months with this boy already, what's another month.
Well, I spoke to the director again today and found some troubling news. Thanks to 'developmental delays', bad egg kid won't be transitioning up to the four year old class until September, which is exactly when Cha will be moving. So not only will she be subjected to his bad behavior for another six months, but she'll continue to be in class until she graduates from this school. Grrr.
Part of me thinks that it's a good thing that she's learning to deal with difficult personalites at such an early age. This experience will better prepare her for public school and all the characters she'll meet. Another part of me wants to demand that the bad egg be removed from school and stop bullying my child. The directors have received many complaints about this child and his older sibling who is currently in the four year old room. I was told that one of the reasons they want to hold the boy back is because his sibling is just as bad and the teacher doesn't think she can handle the two of them together. Ugh!
So today I'm wondering if I should be looking at other options. Is this that much of a problem that I will take my child out of a school that I really like? I'm very unhappy that Cha will be spending every day with this boy. She's learned words and phrases that I am uncomfortable with and as she and the boy get older it's bound to get worse. She comes home with scratches, bruises, scrapes and stories of hurt feelings. Overall, she's happy when I drop her off and pick her up from school. She rarely complains about going to school and she talks about her teachers and her friends all the time.
Am I fooling myself or doing her a disservice by keeping her there? Am I making a molehill out of a mountain due to working mom's guilt? I know it's impossible to know, but how would a stay at home mom handle this situation?
Just curious.
This is what I'm currently dealing with....
Cha has been at the same daycare since she was nine weeks old. With very few exceptions the teachers and students have all been the same. There are several children that Cha has been with nearly every day since she was an infant. They act like siblings, which helps me feel better since Cha will be my one and only. It's been a real joy for me to watch these darling children grow and see the kind of people they are becoming.
I have watched one of her classmates closely since day one. He was eight months old when I first laid eyes on him but even back then I had a feel that he was bad news. I hate to label a child, but he put off this 'bad egg' vibe from a very early age. I was relieved when he was eventually moved into an older class and no longer with Cha every day. Fortunately this six month age gap kept him in different classes so she didn't have to deal with him every day. Well that all changed six months ago when Cha graduated to the 3 year old room.
For the past six months I've been hearing Cha talk about how this boy hits, kicks, bites and pushes her friends. I've witnesses it many times and have spoken to him in the same way I would hope friends would speak to Cha if they saw her behave poorly. This boy has run up to me many times at the end of the day to admit his bad deeds.
'I pushed Cha on the ground and made her bleed. Miss MJ put me in time out.'
He also has the habit of running up and trying to tackle or um, fondle other parents. I remarked to some friends one afternoon that this boy runs up to me and tries to grab my breasts with both hands. A week later another mom admitted that he did the same thing to her, only he had the nerve to actually go under the shirt! I'm telling you, this boy gives off a bad egg vibe.
I got a note from school recently that they are making some changes to the three year old room. It seems every year around the time the classes get super crowded. Starting next week there will be way too many three year olds for one room to handle, so they're splitting them into two smaller rooms. I'm sure you can imagine how many fingers I had crossed hoping that bad egg boy would be in a different class than Cha. I even spoke to the director several times about my preference.
When the class list came out and I saw that they were in the same room I was totally bummed. I tried to think positive. The boy was six months older so he should be moving up to the four year old room soon, right? And Cha was one of the biggest kids in class. She handles this boy better than most because she can hold her own. She's survived six months with this boy already, what's another month.
Well, I spoke to the director again today and found some troubling news. Thanks to 'developmental delays', bad egg kid won't be transitioning up to the four year old class until September, which is exactly when Cha will be moving. So not only will she be subjected to his bad behavior for another six months, but she'll continue to be in class until she graduates from this school. Grrr.
Part of me thinks that it's a good thing that she's learning to deal with difficult personalites at such an early age. This experience will better prepare her for public school and all the characters she'll meet. Another part of me wants to demand that the bad egg be removed from school and stop bullying my child. The directors have received many complaints about this child and his older sibling who is currently in the four year old room. I was told that one of the reasons they want to hold the boy back is because his sibling is just as bad and the teacher doesn't think she can handle the two of them together. Ugh!
So today I'm wondering if I should be looking at other options. Is this that much of a problem that I will take my child out of a school that I really like? I'm very unhappy that Cha will be spending every day with this boy. She's learned words and phrases that I am uncomfortable with and as she and the boy get older it's bound to get worse. She comes home with scratches, bruises, scrapes and stories of hurt feelings. Overall, she's happy when I drop her off and pick her up from school. She rarely complains about going to school and she talks about her teachers and her friends all the time.
Am I fooling myself or doing her a disservice by keeping her there? Am I making a molehill out of a mountain due to working mom's guilt? I know it's impossible to know, but how would a stay at home mom handle this situation?
Just curious.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Something Sweet - Lucky Dog
Aunt Dorth sent this to me.....
Mary and her husband John had a dog named 'Lucky.'
Lucky was a real character. Whenever Mary and John had company come for a weekend visit they would warn their friends to not leave their luggage open because Lucky would help himself to whatever struck his fancy. Inevitably, someone would forget and something would come up missing.
Mary or John would go to Lucky's toy box in the basement and there the treasure would be, amid all of Lucky's other favorite toys Lucky always stashed his finds in his toy box and he was very particular that his toys stay in the box.
It happened that Mary found out she had breast cancer. Something told her she was going to die of this disease....in fact; she was just sure it was fatal.
She scheduled the double mastectomy, fear riding her shoulders. The night before she was to go to the hospital she cuddled with Lucky. A thought struck her...what would happen to Lucky? Although the three-year-old dog liked John , he was Mary's dog through and through. If I die, Lucky will be abandoned, Mary thought. He won't understand that I didn't want to leave him! The thought made her sadder than thinking of her own death.
The double mastectomy was harder on Mary than her doctors had anticipated and Mary was hospitalized for over two weeks. John took Lucky for his evening walk faithfully, but the little dog just drooped, whining and miserable.
Finally the day came for Mary to leave the hospital. When she arrived home, Mary was so exhausted she couldn't even make it up the steps to her bedroom. John made his wife comfortable on the couch and left her to nap.
Lucky stood watching Mary but he didn't come to her when she called. It made Mary sad but sleep soon overcame her and she dozed.
When Mary woke for a second she couldn't understand what was wrong. She couldn't move her head and her body felt heavy and hot. But panic soon gave way to laughter when Mary realized the problem. She was covered, literally blanketed, with every treasure Lucky owned! While she had slept, the sorrowing dog had made trip after trip to the basement bringing his beloved mistress all his favorite things in life. He had covered her with his love.
Mary forgot about dying. Instead she and Lucky began living again, walking further and further together every day. It's been 12 years now and Mary is still cancer-free. Lucky still steals treasures and stashes them in his toy box but Mary remains his greatest treasure.
Remember....live every day to the fullest. Each minute is a blessing from God. And never forget....the people who make a difference in our lives are not the ones with the most Credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care for us.
If you see someone without a smile today give them one of yours! Live simply. Love seriously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God
Dear God, I pray for the cure of cancer.
Amen
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