October, November and December are tough months for me. Too many troubling anniversaries. Too many to list, and quite frankly I don't have the emotional energy to do so.
I am learning to keep my thoughts to myself. As much as I feel that sharing is good for the soul, I also know that my thoughts and beliefs are precious to me and sharing with the 'wrong people' kinda ruins things.
I spent the Thanksgiving holiday with family and it was priceless. My father had a stroke and I was able to stay with him longer than expected and take care of things. What a gift that was.
I am home now rushing to get Christmas ready for my 8 year old. Putting up the tree, picking out this year's ornament and snow globe helped put me in the mood.
Soon enough it will be January and then February and the sad anniversaries will be behind me. Until then I am taking it moment by moment.
Merry Christmas.
JJ
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Thursday, October 3, 2013
hearing but not listening
That was the title of the last string of emails my brother sent out. It was nine months before he took his life.
He did not have a history of being stable in his life. He did have a history of sending middle of the night emails to the family, lashing out for one thing or another. There were mornings I would wake up to one of his rants and just delete the message without reading. Other times I would move them to the 'Keith' folder and just let them sit.
I have read the 'Keith' folder many times over the last nearly four years. I would like to say that I examined his messages again and again, looking for some kind of hint that he would take his life. Truth be told, it wasn't too much of a surprise. The hints screamed at us with bitter rage. I knew he was troubled. The whole family knew. Sadly, there isn't much you can do to help someone who refuses to accept help.
My brother has been on my mind quite a bit this last week, as have all my siblings. I dove into some of Keith's old emails and actually managed to look at them with new eyes. I saw something different in the words he had written. There wasn't so much anger and rage as pain and desperation. How had I never noticed that before?
I am certain that there is nothing I could have said or done to prevent his actions on his final painful day on Earth. I will admit that I was guilty of hearing but not listening, but in my defense I'm not sure listening would have made a difference.
Lost in the string of messages containing foul language and awkward accusations I found a note he had written on December 10, 2007, shortly after my cancer diagnosis. I must have read it before but today I was 'listening'. May this be the Keith I remember for years to come.
He did not have a history of being stable in his life. He did have a history of sending middle of the night emails to the family, lashing out for one thing or another. There were mornings I would wake up to one of his rants and just delete the message without reading. Other times I would move them to the 'Keith' folder and just let them sit.
I have read the 'Keith' folder many times over the last nearly four years. I would like to say that I examined his messages again and again, looking for some kind of hint that he would take his life. Truth be told, it wasn't too much of a surprise. The hints screamed at us with bitter rage. I knew he was troubled. The whole family knew. Sadly, there isn't much you can do to help someone who refuses to accept help.
My brother has been on my mind quite a bit this last week, as have all my siblings. I dove into some of Keith's old emails and actually managed to look at them with new eyes. I saw something different in the words he had written. There wasn't so much anger and rage as pain and desperation. How had I never noticed that before?
I am certain that there is nothing I could have said or done to prevent his actions on his final painful day on Earth. I will admit that I was guilty of hearing but not listening, but in my defense I'm not sure listening would have made a difference.
Lost in the string of messages containing foul language and awkward accusations I found a note he had written on December 10, 2007, shortly after my cancer diagnosis. I must have read it before but today I was 'listening'. May this be the Keith I remember for years to come.
Dad forwarded your blog to me tonight, some of which I did read, and the rest I will have to get back to since I worked 10 hours today and am just getting home and have to be up for work by 8:00.
I am sorry that you and I have lost touch and don't talk to each other that much anymore, I hope that it's nothing that I have said or done.Well, I hope that everything turns out well and that you come through this 100%.Please tell Matt and Cha that I said hello, and have a good holiday.Love, Keith
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
I'm Good
Today, I am good. Things are good and (knock wood) they have been for a while.
I had my regular morning call with the hubby an hour ago and we agreed, things are good. He leaves for work very early so he calls in the morning to say hello and check in. Today's check in was, well 'good'. We have worries, complaints, and pains but they are tiny compared to the amount of good in our house, lives and selves. We had a wonderful summer filled with friends, family and memories that will last forever.
My little Cha is more than good. She is back in school and so far every day has been 'awesome!'. She loves her teacher, her school work, her classmates and even her bus. Yes, she's riding the bus again this year. Last year I drove her myself because the bus was such an issue. It wasn't until last week that I agreed to let her back on the bus. I was nervous for her but she said she wanted to try. And, it's going smoothly. She has matured so much in the last 12 months. I am incredibly proud of the person she is and tell her all the time how well she is handling things.
Sadly, she got the worry gene from me so overcoming bad thoughts is a daily obstacle. But she's doing so well (which helps with my bad thoughts).
I'm good.
I had my regular morning call with the hubby an hour ago and we agreed, things are good. He leaves for work very early so he calls in the morning to say hello and check in. Today's check in was, well 'good'. We have worries, complaints, and pains but they are tiny compared to the amount of good in our house, lives and selves. We had a wonderful summer filled with friends, family and memories that will last forever.
My little Cha is more than good. She is back in school and so far every day has been 'awesome!'. She loves her teacher, her school work, her classmates and even her bus. Yes, she's riding the bus again this year. Last year I drove her myself because the bus was such an issue. It wasn't until last week that I agreed to let her back on the bus. I was nervous for her but she said she wanted to try. And, it's going smoothly. She has matured so much in the last 12 months. I am incredibly proud of the person she is and tell her all the time how well she is handling things.
Sadly, she got the worry gene from me so overcoming bad thoughts is a daily obstacle. But she's doing so well (which helps with my bad thoughts).
I'm good.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
puppy poetry
We rescued a dog and she's the sweetest little thing. She has bonded with me since I am the primary caregiver, but the rest of the family doesn't seem to mind.
I talk to her quite a bit and she is a serious listener. I wrote a little poem for her and recite it to her when we go out for walks. It sums her up perfectly.
eat
poop
play
love, love, love
sleep
I talk to her quite a bit and she is a serious listener. I wrote a little poem for her and recite it to her when we go out for walks. It sums her up perfectly.
eat
poop
play
love, love, love
sleep
ChiChi
3 year old Chihuahua
My Shadow
Monday, March 18, 2013
my family of three
I am a social butterfly. All my life I have fluttered around people and places, making new friends and experiencing new things. It's always been important to me to expand my circle of friends, or orbit as I call it. Young Me was very big on expanding my orbit. I loved meeting people and finding connections.
When I was a nanny in DC I had to meet all the other nannies, to keep them in my circle because you'd just never know. That whole six degrees of separation thing was fascinating to me. Not in a social climbing way, but in a 'Wow, this world is so friggen small!' kinda way.
Several years ago I realized that my orbit was becoming a major source of stress and started separating myself from others. There's a downfall to opening your arms so wide. Conflicting personalities, beliefs and points of views can lead to unnecessary sadness and grief, especially when you're already dealing with death, depression and cancer. Not to mention keeping drama at bay when you're concentrating on your child's health and happiness.
This isn't to say that I've become less tolerant. I still believe to each it's own, and fully support others right to their own beliefs. However, my priorities are reduced to my little family of three and surrounding us with those who help to provide a positive environment. My orbit is now a wee bit smaller (understatement).
The transformation has not been easy. I carry tremendous guilt over the people who are now at arm's length. My personality (disorder) has always been one to put others before myself. To get overly involved and try to help others, often at my own expense. I feel incredible sadness thinking of relationships that have come in an end. I've cried over the friends and family who are no longer there. But I wish them well. Deep down I know that this is what needs to happen to move my family of three in the right direction. This is what needs to happen to place us on the right path and keep us happy, healthy and safe.
We three are good people. We work hard to lead a good and just life.
And I love them so.
When I was a nanny in DC I had to meet all the other nannies, to keep them in my circle because you'd just never know. That whole six degrees of separation thing was fascinating to me. Not in a social climbing way, but in a 'Wow, this world is so friggen small!' kinda way.
Several years ago I realized that my orbit was becoming a major source of stress and started separating myself from others. There's a downfall to opening your arms so wide. Conflicting personalities, beliefs and points of views can lead to unnecessary sadness and grief, especially when you're already dealing with death, depression and cancer. Not to mention keeping drama at bay when you're concentrating on your child's health and happiness.
This isn't to say that I've become less tolerant. I still believe to each it's own, and fully support others right to their own beliefs. However, my priorities are reduced to my little family of three and surrounding us with those who help to provide a positive environment. My orbit is now a wee bit smaller (understatement).
The transformation has not been easy. I carry tremendous guilt over the people who are now at arm's length. My personality (disorder) has always been one to put others before myself. To get overly involved and try to help others, often at my own expense. I feel incredible sadness thinking of relationships that have come in an end. I've cried over the friends and family who are no longer there. But I wish them well. Deep down I know that this is what needs to happen to move my family of three in the right direction. This is what needs to happen to place us on the right path and keep us happy, healthy and safe.
We three are good people. We work hard to lead a good and just life.
And I love them so.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
blame the couch
I've got a lot on my mind. Life has been challenging, both good and bad, recently. Lots and lots of thinking going on in my head. Some days I long for a place to put it all out there, write it all down and organize the details of my scattered thoughts. Other days I know it's best to give it a rest, allow the tangled words settle in my brain before letting it out. Most days it's those 'other days' that win out. Silence is golden.
Last night was a 'some day'. I had things to say and witty ways to say it. It was the end of a very long and eventful day, filled with thoughts, emotions, conclusions and clarity. For twenty minutes I sat on my couch and wrote it all out in my head. Every word, comma, and paragraph was exactly as I wanted it to be. Had you read it you would have nodded your head and simply said 'Yep'.
But then I closed my eyes and smiled at how wonderful it felt to put my feet up and relax on the couch. I woke up hours later without a blog-thought in my head. It was all gone.
The highlights in cliche form? I am what I am. It's okay not to like me. I've lived 45 years and am happy in my head and in my heart. You are either with me or you aren't. There's nothing I can (or will) do to change things. I am busy doing the next right thing.
Do what you feel in your heart to be right for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt.
Last night was a 'some day'. I had things to say and witty ways to say it. It was the end of a very long and eventful day, filled with thoughts, emotions, conclusions and clarity. For twenty minutes I sat on my couch and wrote it all out in my head. Every word, comma, and paragraph was exactly as I wanted it to be. Had you read it you would have nodded your head and simply said 'Yep'.
But then I closed my eyes and smiled at how wonderful it felt to put my feet up and relax on the couch. I woke up hours later without a blog-thought in my head. It was all gone.
The highlights in cliche form? I am what I am. It's okay not to like me. I've lived 45 years and am happy in my head and in my heart. You are either with me or you aren't. There's nothing I can (or will) do to change things. I am busy doing the next right thing.
Do what you feel in your heart to be right for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt.
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