Square One

I feel like I'm back to square one mentally. I'm an emotional mess. I had my appt with the new therapist yesterday and it was good but it kicked off a 24 hour tear fest.

The therapist, Fran, said I seemed to be experiencing more anxiety than depression, tho I am indeed depressed. The anxiety exaggerates every single one of my flaws and I am obsessing over them. Obsessing over your faults leads to major self confidence problems and paralyzing fear. That's where I am.

Fran recommended upping my Lexapro and perhaps asking for separate anxiety meds. I had to meet with Dr. M my primary physician to discuss several other health issues and she wrote me a script for 20 mg of Lexapro. She also gave me some Ambian to help me sleep but I've gotta tell you it doesn't seem to be doing anything. I took it tonight at 8:00 and here it is 10:50 and I'm still wide awake. I really need to turn off my brain, but I just gotta figure out how.

Yesterday Cha had a doctor appt. She hasn't been 100% lately and I wanted her doctor to take a look. She bounced back and is doing better today. She's looking forward to going Trick or Treating tomorrow night so I think she forced herself to get better. Let's hope she doesn't make herself sicker with candy.

Today I am thankful for the medical professionals who are helping me get better. I am thankful for the increased dose of Lexapro and pray that it does it's job. I am thankful that with all the crap going on over the last 11 months, we have been able to shield Cha from most of it.

Dr. M suggested that I try not to really cry in front of Cha. She said my only real job was to keep it together around her. She said to fall apart in front of anyone else, but be strong for Charlotte.

Dr. M asked how much Cha knows about the cancer and I said that we've been very open with her. She's seen the scars and knows that my boobies were sick. I'm trying to make it casual for her so she doesn't freak out and I think we're all handling it very well.

Fran the therapist asked what the best thing that's ever happened in my life. I told her becoming a mother. She asked about the worst thing and altho I could have said the cancer I think this depression is much more difficult. It's every day and there's no surgical cure.

It really sucks but I'm trying to hopeful that things will get better.

Democrats are funny

I got this from one of my favorite Democrats ever!

Another Shoutout to MIL

MIL sent me a link this week on Postsurgical Depression. Wow, that one hit home. I remember long ago Dr. Kripke warned me that patients often get depressed after surgery but I didn't think it would get this bad.

Here are a couple excerpts from an article titled An 'Understandable' Complication:

Other psychological issues crop up during the recovery period. When we're healthy, we tend to think of our bodies as somehow intact, both inviolable and homogene-ous. Major surgery can shatter that image, and with it the concept of self-sustaining health. The feelings of mortality, of loss, and of vulnerability can be profound, and recognizing depression in surgery's aftermath becomes very important.

Postoperative depression, on the other hand, is more likely to occur well after the crisis of surgery has ended and the patient is back at home or even at work. That can make it particularly difficult for patients to cope with feelings about what they've endured and what their future is likely to be, or for family members and physicians to see and understand their feelings. Stigma continues to surround depression, adds Vaccaro, and many patients may hide their state of mind from families and caregivers alike.

Again not that I am trying to place blame, but this does make sense.

Super busy weekend

It's nearly midnight and I just turned off the Phillies game. They won 10-2 and there was really no reason for me to stay up and watch it til the end. I should have been asleep four hours ago!

Friday night I went to a movie with Mariana. We saw Burn After Reading which I think is one of Brad Pitt's finest roles. It's a Coen Brothers film so it had to be good but seeing Brad Pitt playing an idiot made it perfect. Brad isn't acting when he's playing cool and suave characters. I think my favorite character of his ever is the mental patient in 12 Monkeys. That was fantastic.

After the movie we headed out to PJ Ryan's for a drink. While we certainly weren't the oldest people in the bar (there were several tables that looked to be a retirement party) we were the only ones who clearly weren't out to 'hook up'. Mariana was wearing sweatpants (or 'lounge' pants as she called them). There was one other person in the bar wearing a 'lounge' outfit but as Mariana pointed out, his probably cost well over $200 as opposed to her $7.99 Old Navy special.

We had a good time and it was a nice break. People Watching really should be an Olympic Sport, tho it would be hard to beat Mariana with her Masters in Social Work.

Saturday the working mom's group had a birthday playdate at the library. I made ghetto box brownies and picked up a couple trays from Chick fil A. The kids had fun but it was exhausting trying to keep my eye on Cha. That girl can move and she's a sneaky little one.

This morning we had a Halloween Costume Playdate for the kids. We're having a little flea problem with the kitties and Matt doused them pretty good with spray yesterday. A few of them snuggled up to Cha in her sleep last night and she woke up with red and swollen eyes. I've washed everything and hoping it clears up. I'm also hoping that it's not Pink Eye. She's been cranky this weekend and not sleeping well, so we'll see what happens when she wakes up tomorrow.

We picked up a couple of big pumpkins this afternoon and planned on carving them tonight but Cha just wasn't feeling well. Maybe tomorrow night she'll be up to playing with pumpkin guts.

I took lots of pictures this weekend but I have yet to upload them. I'll post them when I get a chance. Cha looks adorable in her Sleeping Beauty costume.

(BTW, I've been thinking of Grandma Jenkins a lot this week. Oct 22nd was her birthday and we lost her to cancer five years ago. I still miss her dearly but will always have the best memories of her. One sad thought about having kids so late is that there's less time for them to spend with their grandparents. My grandma was 50 when I was born and nearly 86 when she died. 36 years is a long time, tho I wish I had more. Love you Grandma!)

Bonus Pic - for the cat people

I'm sure you all can relate. It's not so much the monitor but the keyboard. I don't need to see the screen but when I can't get to my keyboard we've got a problem.

Not that I would even dare to swat them away or anything. They're just kittens. You can't break their spirits.

You know you want to snuggle them!

:)

Random Pictures - Four Falls

Manoj and Cha in Oct 2005

Cha and Yas in Oct 2006

The front yard October 2007



October 2008

A whole lot of nothing much

I haven't been posting much because I'm having a hard time putting my thoughts together. I still check my favorite blogs every day and I love keeping up with others. I'm having a hard time concentrating and turning my brain off, tho for the life of me I can't remember what I'm thinking one minute to the next.

I've made an appt with a new therapist. Dr. M2 was good and did help but I feel I need something other than what he can provide. I'm battling depression and every day is a struggle. Getting up in the morning, getting Charlotte to school, getting to work, cleaning the house and feeding my family may be simple for some people but it takes every ounce of energy I have and it's making me physically ill.

One of my dearest friends and I confessed to each other recently that we're having problems with money. But, it's not the normal money problem that most people encounter. It's the 'I'm way too depressed and anxiety ridden to pay my bills'. My friend had a bill nearly go to collection because she couldn't bring herself to send out a check. There was more than enough money in the bank but the task of writing a check and putting it in the mail was more than she could handle.

That's where I am right now. The money is in the bank, I sit down at my desk to do the bills and I just freeze. All sorts of fears take over. The economy is in the crapper and we have to hear about it every day. Things only appear to be getting scarier and trying to face financial responsibilities with the fear of losing everything is overwhelming me.

So, I decided to see someone new in hopes that she'll be able to help me with what's going on in my mind. I cannot blame anyone else for where I am but I know it's not something I'm doing on purpose.

Today I am thankful that I am sane enough to reach out for help. I am also thankful for those who stand by me and understand what I'm experiencing. A couple of nights ago when Matt and I were sitting on the couch crying he said 'I don't know how you need me to support you.' It's hard for men who always want to fix things. This is something he can't fix, which is double hard for him since he spent so many years counseling people. I'm not sure what to tell Matt but I'm sure the new therapist will help me.

Mothers

(Thanks to MIL for sending this on.)

Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.

Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.

Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.

Real Mothers know that dried play dough doesn't come out of shag carpets.

Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.

Real Mothers sometimes ask 'Why me?' and get their answer when a little voice says, 'Because I love you best.'

Real Mothers know that a child 's growth is not measured by height or years or grade...It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mom to Mother...

The Images of Mother

4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mommy can do anything!

8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!

12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.

14 YEARS OF AGE - Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.

16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.

18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman? She's way out of date!

25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit about it .

35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.

45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?

65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mom.

it tickled my tummy

This morning I was gushing like a newlywed. I had just dropped Cha off at school and was getting on the freeway to go to work. One lane over from me was his truck.



Matt is a commercial driver. He drives all over the area but this is the first time I actually saw him on the road. It was so sweet it tickled my tummy. I love that man.

What can I say

I can be moody, bitchy, and short-tempered but for the most part I'm fair. I am depressed and sometimes my mind spins so fast I don't know what I'm saying. But I am doing the best that I can and I think I'm a good person.

I'm not going to blame it on divorce or cancer or being a new mom or even being tired. It is what it is. I am human and not perfect. An old boss of mine told me that I could be nearly perfect if I perfected my tact. Fifteen years later and I'm still working on it.

I wish I knew how to tactfully say:

1. If you continue to have the same problem with people, then maybe it's you? The whole world is not against you so stop playing the victim and work on changing yourself.

2. Please STHU about K. I don't like her and you know I don't like her. I will not say a word about her to you or anyone else so please stop bringing her up just to see how I'll react.

3. I am married to a Democrat and love him dearly. We have much different views on how the country should be run but I can't remember one time we've argued about it. I respect him too much to bash him over something so silly. So, for you Obama-ites who insist on screaming at me over everything Bush, Nixon, Reagan or whomever did, again please STFU.

4. I am a Republican. I am voting for McCain. He's not my first choice, nor was he in the top ten. However, he's who I'm voting for. I am not shoving him down your throat and making cracks at your candidate, so please give me the same courtesy.

There are many people I am thankful for in this world (at least ten, which should cover my Thankful Thursday). I'm sure they know who they are and if you have any doubts if you are on the list, go ahead and put yourself in that category.

The picture of the day:

Charlotte says....

Good luck tomorrow Grandpa!
We love you!

:)

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful that the TV has an off button

I am thankful that the computer has an off button

I am thankful for my answering machine

I am thankful for the erase button on my answering maching

I am thankful for the the friends who came over to share a meal with us tonight

I am thankful that Cha finally calmed down and is peaceful

I am thankful that I will be celebrating my 9 year anniversary at work tomorrow

I am thankful that the weather was beautiful today

I am thankful that the Phillies are doing so well

I am thankful for the people who stumble across my blog and ask that you please say a prayer for Cari. She's on my daily prayer list but she can use all the help she can get.

December 2004

That was the last time my life was normal. December 2004, nearly four years ago. Every day since then has been filled with some sort of stress and uncertainty. There have been plenty of highs but I wouldn't call the time since then normal.

I think it started with the tsunami in Thailand. I was visiting my parents in Chicago for Christmas when news broke of the catastrophe. We sat in the lobby of the hotel watching the news for days. Very sad.

In January 2005 I got pregnant. It was unexpected and I was stunned. It was a high risk pregnancy filled with lots of stress. I was happy but anxious. Matt and I got married (another stress) and waited for our miracle baby to be born.

In September 2005 I became a mom and spent the following two months trying to make heads or tails of a newborn. I had little sleep and my head was spinning, and then I had to go back to work.

In November 2005 the company I worked for was gobbled up by another giant software company. Talk about uncertainty! I was a new mom trying to find my mommy-legs, frantically trying not to see yet another marriage go down the tubes and learn the ways of Big Corporate America, praying that I wouldn't lose my job.

This was a tough juggle and I am the first to admit that I let more than a few balls drop.

In March 2006 Matt and I faced a huge legal brick wall. It costs us plenty, financially, emotionally and physically. It was something we had to live with every day for two years. The fact that our marriage has survived is a miracle.

December 2007 brought on the cancer diagnosis which has kicked off a year long process of healing. I am praying that we'll be able to leave the evil of cancer to 2008. It's been a crappy year filled with health and economic crap and I'm ready to be done with it.

I have high hopes for January 2009 and I'm crossing my fingers that life will finally get back to normal!

Kibble Bubble

The Bailout, in the eyes of a very smart dog.

Very interesting and informative reading. Thanks to Skye for the link.

Kibble Bubble

The bottom line:

"So, it's the dog who made the initial loans, isn't it? Let's find him and bite him."

We gotta find that dog.

That was awesome

What a fabulous weekend!

Fast Facts!

Fast Facts

Not counting some kinds of skin cancer, breast cancer in the United States is:

* The most common cancer in women, no matter your race or ethnicity.
* The most common cause of death from cancer among Hispanic women.
* The second most common cause of death from cancer among white, black, Asian/Pacific Islander, and American Indian/Alaska Native women.

In 2004 (the most recent year numbers are available):

* 186,772 women and 1,815 men developed breast cancer.
* 40,954 women and 362 men died from breast cancer.

Can Men Get Breast Cancer?

Men can also get breast cancer. In men, breast cancer can happen at any age, but is most common in men who are between 60 and 70 years old. Male breast cancer is not very common. For every 100 cases of breast cancer, less than 1 is in men.

For men, signs of breast cancer and treatment are almost the same as for women. For more information, visit the National Cancer Institute (NCI) – General Information About Male Breast Cancer.

Thankful Thursday

1. Yes, I know I skipped last week. I am thankful that it's my blog and I make the rules so if I need to skip a week I'm excused.

2. I am thankful that Jaime offered to drive up to the Poconos tomorrow night for our mom's retreat. That means Mariana, Robin and I can just kick back and relax, right?

3. A year's worth of Thankful Thursdays to Dr. Kripke for removing the cancer out of my boobies.

4. Another thanks that this is my blog so I can rant about the Picture People if I want to. We took Cha for her 3 year pictures on her birthday and I told the photographer that I wanted family pictures too. Why he felt the need to take multiple pictures of Matt and Cha alone is beyond me. He slipped me in at the end for a whopping two pictures, and they are awful! Check them out here. I am thankful for the one good picture that we got printed.

5. I am thankful to the September moms for the pink sapphire ribbon pendant that I'll be wearing every day in the month of October to remind me how lucky I am. (Not that I don't wear it regularly anyway.)

6. I am thankful that my cold is getting better. I've been feeling icky since last week and I was dreading spending the entire mom's retreat weekend in bed with a sinus infection and tummy ache.

7. I am thankful that my beautiful daughter has been so healthy her entire life. She's had her share of ailments but overall she's a very healthy girl.

8. I am thankful that my brother is out of the hospital and will hopefully be better than new soon.

9. I am thankful that Miss Moo is spending time with her dad and step-mom and that she knows she's loved.

10. I am thankful that I remembered to pick up my Lexapro refill today.

Happy BCAM!

It's October, which means that in the coming weeks you'll see pink ribbons on just about everything. I went to the supermarket over the weekend and every other box had a pink ribbon celebrating Breast Cancer Awareness Month. The local Giant even had a table set up in the bakery with all sorts of cakes, cookies and cupcakes decorated to remind everyone to get the word out. (Hmm, maybe I should bring some into the office.)

So here's my nag for the day, courtesy of the National Breast Cancer Awareness organization.

One of the earliest signs of breast cancer can be an abnormality that shows up on a mammogram before it can be felt. The most common signs of breast cancer are a lump in the breast; abnormal thickening of the breast; or a change in the shape or color of the breast. Finding a lump or change in your breast does not necessarily mean you have breast cancer. Additional changes that may also be signs of breast cancer include:

* Any new, hard lump or thickening in any part of the breast
* Change in breast size or shape
* Dimpling or puckering of the skin
* Swelling, redness or warmth that does not go away
* Pain in one spot that does not vary with your monthly cycle
* Pulling in of the nipple
* Nipple discharge that starts suddenly and appears only in one breast
* An itchy, sore or scaling area on one nipple

Have you scheduled your mammogram today?