Sunday, March 29, 2009
favorite episode ever
George and the squirrel, Jerry drugging his girlfriend and the Merv Griffin set...this is my favorite episode ever. I just happened to flip on the TV tonight and caught this episode. There was no way I could turn it off. I miss Seinfeld!
After a very long and exhausting week the last two days were perfect. Two birthday parties and Cha being her funny, clever self. The weather almost hit 70 today and the sun felt good.
Our cable went out on Friday so Cha and I went to pick up the Bolt DVD. It's a great movie but after watching it four times this weekend there is no talking that girl out of getting a dog. A year ago I told her she could get a dog when she turns five. She reminds me of it a couple times a week. If someone asks her how old she is she'll say that she's 3 and follow it up with 'When I'm five I get a dog.'
Starting last week she has also come up with an imaginary brother. She talks about 'Sammy' all the time. She claims that she and Sammy live with her grandma and grandpa in a pink house. On the way home from school the other day she pointed at a house and said that's where the four of them live. She's a funny kid.
Next weekend we're having a yard sale with the mom's group. Several of us are getting together kid's clothes, toys, household items and whatever else we can find and selling them. I've been organizing Cha's room all week. I can't believe how much that girl has! It will be nice to clean the clutter.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Update on SIL#3
I called SIL#3 today. She said the surgery went well yesterday. They took out several more lymph nodes and her surgeon said that at first glance he thinks they're going to be fine. The results will be in tomorrow so please pray that there are no further cancer cells.
She said she's feeling okay. The pain is manageable but she keeps getting hit with crying fits. She'll be thinking positive one moment and then just start crying. She's got a big challenge ahead of her and is understandably overwhelmed.
My nephew, who is old enough to know what's going on, is scared. SIL#3 is doing her best to put him at ease but it's not like she can promise him that everything will be fine. Thankfully they've got people offering support and a helping hand. Cancer does bring out the worst and best in people.
She'll be staying one more night in the hospital and then going home tomorrow. She has two drains and won't be returning to work until they are removed.
As for me, I called my shrink yesterday and scheduled an appt. Better to get mad and scream at her than an innocent bystander.
She said she's feeling okay. The pain is manageable but she keeps getting hit with crying fits. She'll be thinking positive one moment and then just start crying. She's got a big challenge ahead of her and is understandably overwhelmed.
My nephew, who is old enough to know what's going on, is scared. SIL#3 is doing her best to put him at ease but it's not like she can promise him that everything will be fine. Thankfully they've got people offering support and a helping hand. Cancer does bring out the worst and best in people.
She'll be staying one more night in the hospital and then going home tomorrow. She has two drains and won't be returning to work until they are removed.
As for me, I called my shrink yesterday and scheduled an appt. Better to get mad and scream at her than an innocent bystander.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Thankful Thursday?
I'm not sure if this counts as being thankful, but it's all I can muster.....
1. I'm thankful that I am employed today even tho I cannot stop stressing over Matt and I both losing our jobs.
2. I am thankful that I am alive even tho I am obsessed with the Natasha Richardson story and fretting over losing my life at any moment.
3. I am thankful that I have a wide and loving circle of friends even tho when one of them has a hard time or experiences loss I cannot stop crying for them.
4. I am thankful that we finally figured out that Cha has an ear infection and the anti-biotics and ibuprofen helped her get a good night's sleep last night. However, I am kicking myself for not picking up on the symptoms earlier and my little girl was in pain much longer than she needed to be.
5. I am thankful for my car and the great gas mileage that it gets, but I worry over the car payment.
6. I am thankful for fellow blogger Cari who unknowingly provided information and comfort during my breast cancer fight. I looked at pictures of her happy face and knew that that was my future. Now that she's battling cancer again and having a much rougher time of it I fear that once again I am looking at my future.
I'm having a tough time with sadness this week. Maybe it's physically not feeling well or not getting enough sleep. I just wish life wasn't so scary.
1. I'm thankful that I am employed today even tho I cannot stop stressing over Matt and I both losing our jobs.
2. I am thankful that I am alive even tho I am obsessed with the Natasha Richardson story and fretting over losing my life at any moment.
3. I am thankful that I have a wide and loving circle of friends even tho when one of them has a hard time or experiences loss I cannot stop crying for them.
4. I am thankful that we finally figured out that Cha has an ear infection and the anti-biotics and ibuprofen helped her get a good night's sleep last night. However, I am kicking myself for not picking up on the symptoms earlier and my little girl was in pain much longer than she needed to be.
5. I am thankful for my car and the great gas mileage that it gets, but I worry over the car payment.
6. I am thankful for fellow blogger Cari who unknowingly provided information and comfort during my breast cancer fight. I looked at pictures of her happy face and knew that that was my future. Now that she's battling cancer again and having a much rougher time of it I fear that once again I am looking at my future.
I'm having a tough time with sadness this week. Maybe it's physically not feeling well or not getting enough sleep. I just wish life wasn't so scary.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Today wasn't much better
Cha screamed for what seemed like an eternity last night. She eventually quieted down but when I creeped upstairs to bed I found that Matt took the easy way out by putting her to sleep in our bed. I didn't dare wake her so I fell asleep in her room. Boy, I'm glad we finally moved her into a twin.
Around midnight she woke me up saying she wanted to sleep with me. She was feverous and her voice was scratchy. I moved over and let her cuddle up to me. She got up several times during the night. Once she sat up, turned on her lamp and said she needed to sleep with the light on. Another time she got out of bed and got herself a drink. I didn't find out until she was sitting next to me with some Poland Spring. Her throat was dry and she coughed most of the night. A few times she coughed so hard that she threw up. She has been complaining of a tummy ache for several days so I wasn't sure if it was actually a bug or just mucus.
When I woke up at 6:00 am this morning she was still very warm. I decided to just let her sleep while I got ready for work. When I checked on her again after my shower she was still out of it. She eventually woke up at 8:30 which is rare for her. She's an early riser. She told me her tummy ached and said she need water so I kept her home. She spent most of the day cuddled up to me on the couch while I worked (with one hand) on my laptop. She started feeling better around 3:00 so we did her homework and then took a walk outside to get some fresh air.
While we were outside I noticed these emo kids on the playground. They're teenagers who are always getting in trouble. They smoke and drink and vandalize the playground, which is three doors down from me. Grrr! I have been staying away from the playground because I don't want to deal with them but today I didn't care. We walked right up to the slide and the two boys walked away. Cha played for a little while then said she wanted to take a walk, so we trekked back behind the house to what she calls her 'garden'. Those two idiot teens were sitting at our back fence smoking pot. F-ers. They didn't even stop or try to hide it when we walked by. I really hate those kids. I gave them a look and then tried to decide whether I should talk to their parents or call the police. I thought the police would make a bigger impression but when we walked back to the front of the house I saw them on their way home. I swear next time I see them near the playground I am calling the cops. It certainly wouldn't be the first time!
So, the day wasn't much better but at least it's not Monday.
Around midnight she woke me up saying she wanted to sleep with me. She was feverous and her voice was scratchy. I moved over and let her cuddle up to me. She got up several times during the night. Once she sat up, turned on her lamp and said she needed to sleep with the light on. Another time she got out of bed and got herself a drink. I didn't find out until she was sitting next to me with some Poland Spring. Her throat was dry and she coughed most of the night. A few times she coughed so hard that she threw up. She has been complaining of a tummy ache for several days so I wasn't sure if it was actually a bug or just mucus.
When I woke up at 6:00 am this morning she was still very warm. I decided to just let her sleep while I got ready for work. When I checked on her again after my shower she was still out of it. She eventually woke up at 8:30 which is rare for her. She's an early riser. She told me her tummy ached and said she need water so I kept her home. She spent most of the day cuddled up to me on the couch while I worked (with one hand) on my laptop. She started feeling better around 3:00 so we did her homework and then took a walk outside to get some fresh air.
While we were outside I noticed these emo kids on the playground. They're teenagers who are always getting in trouble. They smoke and drink and vandalize the playground, which is three doors down from me. Grrr! I have been staying away from the playground because I don't want to deal with them but today I didn't care. We walked right up to the slide and the two boys walked away. Cha played for a little while then said she wanted to take a walk, so we trekked back behind the house to what she calls her 'garden'. Those two idiot teens were sitting at our back fence smoking pot. F-ers. They didn't even stop or try to hide it when we walked by. I really hate those kids. I gave them a look and then tried to decide whether I should talk to their parents or call the police. I thought the police would make a bigger impression but when we walked back to the front of the house I saw them on their way home. I swear next time I see them near the playground I am calling the cops. It certainly wouldn't be the first time!
So, the day wasn't much better but at least it's not Monday.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Long, exhausting day
Yay, it's Monday!
The best part about today is the fact that it's almost over. It started late last night with some marital disagreements followed by Cha getting up at 5:30 and throwing up in my bed. (At least it wasn't my side.)
There was a series of further marital disagreements, some facebook stalking by everyone's favorite crazy ex-wife, and then a calming chat with Dear CC. Oh and there was a lot of cursing and tears.
I got a note from S when I got home asking me to call his mom. Bad news on the SIL#3 front. It's breast cancer. Results were just received this afternoon and she'll have more information after her doctor appointment tomorrow.
Talking to someone who is newly diagnosed is hard. I think back to my early days and remember how much I appreciated emails from Ms. Moser, who gave me info without really giving me advice (unless I begged for it). As I spoke to SIL#3 I had to check myself and look at things as an outsider. She needs facts and options and not my feelings. I'll surely answer if asked but she doesn't need just one point of view.
I told her that one of the most difficult parts of this whole ordeal is having to make the decisions yourself. She'll get advice from every side and while the doctors will make recommendations, the decision is ultimately hers, and that can be overwhelming. I suggested she check out BCO, which was my favorite resource for info and support.
So tonight I pray for SIL#3, who has always been one of my favorites. I am also praying that my darling 3 year old will stop screaming for me and let her daddy put her to bed. We all need to sleep.
The best part about today is the fact that it's almost over. It started late last night with some marital disagreements followed by Cha getting up at 5:30 and throwing up in my bed. (At least it wasn't my side.)
There was a series of further marital disagreements, some facebook stalking by everyone's favorite crazy ex-wife, and then a calming chat with Dear CC. Oh and there was a lot of cursing and tears.
I got a note from S when I got home asking me to call his mom. Bad news on the SIL#3 front. It's breast cancer. Results were just received this afternoon and she'll have more information after her doctor appointment tomorrow.
Talking to someone who is newly diagnosed is hard. I think back to my early days and remember how much I appreciated emails from Ms. Moser, who gave me info without really giving me advice (unless I begged for it). As I spoke to SIL#3 I had to check myself and look at things as an outsider. She needs facts and options and not my feelings. I'll surely answer if asked but she doesn't need just one point of view.
I told her that one of the most difficult parts of this whole ordeal is having to make the decisions yourself. She'll get advice from every side and while the doctors will make recommendations, the decision is ultimately hers, and that can be overwhelming. I suggested she check out BCO, which was my favorite resource for info and support.
So tonight I pray for SIL#3, who has always been one of my favorites. I am also praying that my darling 3 year old will stop screaming for me and let her daddy put her to bed. We all need to sleep.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Saturday was a bonus day
Yesterday was a real treat. Last Monday we had a snow day and yesterday it was 70 degrees. That's Philly weather for you. Cha and I took advantage by being outside as much as possible. We ended the day at Uncle Mike's celebrating Kirsten's 16th birthday. I'll have to post pictures when I get a chance to take them off my camera. There are some cute shots.
Cha got to play with her cousins and her cousin's cousins. I hate to say it but I think my little girl is already boy crazy. She's always telling me that she's got boyfriends at school. It's funny watching her interact with the opposite sex. She totally knows how to flirt and be coy already.
So last Friday I had my appt with Dr. S. It was a good visit. He shared that he's been voted one of the Top Docs for Philadelphia Magazine which made me uber proud. The issue comes out in May and I told him I was going to bring in the magazine and have him autograph it on my next visit.
He was also interviewed by one of the local stations about SGAP, which is the procedure where they take tissue from your bottom and move it to your breast. It's just as involved as my reconstruction but honestly I would be petrified of the recovery. My belly and tummy were in so much pain after my surgery and it was so uncomfortable having to sleep sitting up. I cannot imagine how you'd sleep. Here's the video of him being interviewed by Stephanie Stahl of CBS3 in Philly Buttock to Breast. In an odd coincidence, there's a picture of Stephanie Stahl and Matt from last year's Race for the Cure somewhere in the archives. She's a survivor and is very involved with fund raising and breast cancer awareness. I wonder who performed her surgery?
The tattoo was more painful that I thought it would be. I don't have much (if any) feeling in my breasts so I knew the needle wouldn't bother me. However it left me sore and bruised and I bled the rest of the day. They look okay but I'm sure they'll look better when they have a chance to heal. I have one more appt with Dr. S in June and then I'm thinking that's it. Unless I decide to clean up the scar tissue but I'm leaning towards no.
Tomorrow is Monday and one day closer to spring. It was so nice not worrying about sweaters and coats this weekend. I look forward to leaving the house in shorts, tshirts and flip-flops.
(...and I know I sound like a broken record, but prayers are still needed for Cari, who is having a rough time...)
Cha got to play with her cousins and her cousin's cousins. I hate to say it but I think my little girl is already boy crazy. She's always telling me that she's got boyfriends at school. It's funny watching her interact with the opposite sex. She totally knows how to flirt and be coy already.
So last Friday I had my appt with Dr. S. It was a good visit. He shared that he's been voted one of the Top Docs for Philadelphia Magazine which made me uber proud. The issue comes out in May and I told him I was going to bring in the magazine and have him autograph it on my next visit.
He was also interviewed by one of the local stations about SGAP, which is the procedure where they take tissue from your bottom and move it to your breast. It's just as involved as my reconstruction but honestly I would be petrified of the recovery. My belly and tummy were in so much pain after my surgery and it was so uncomfortable having to sleep sitting up. I cannot imagine how you'd sleep. Here's the video of him being interviewed by Stephanie Stahl of CBS3 in Philly Buttock to Breast. In an odd coincidence, there's a picture of Stephanie Stahl and Matt from last year's Race for the Cure somewhere in the archives. She's a survivor and is very involved with fund raising and breast cancer awareness. I wonder who performed her surgery?
The tattoo was more painful that I thought it would be. I don't have much (if any) feeling in my breasts so I knew the needle wouldn't bother me. However it left me sore and bruised and I bled the rest of the day. They look okay but I'm sure they'll look better when they have a chance to heal. I have one more appt with Dr. S in June and then I'm thinking that's it. Unless I decide to clean up the scar tissue but I'm leaning towards no.
Tomorrow is Monday and one day closer to spring. It was so nice not worrying about sweaters and coats this weekend. I look forward to leaving the house in shorts, tshirts and flip-flops.
(...and I know I sound like a broken record, but prayers are still needed for Cari, who is having a rough time...)
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Taking back my blog and coughing up a hair ball
It's 1:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. I've been trying for the past four hours but there are so many thoughts clogging up my brain that I can't rest. I lay (or is it lie) in bed and think about how I just want to get them out and purge my thoughts onto my blog. I think about how relieved I will feel coughing it all up but I've become afraid of this place.
I want to be honest and speak my mind but find myself thinking of the audience and how it will be received. I'm afraid of how this person or that will react, how feelings might be hurt and tempers might be flared. So, I've been keeping it to myself and that has been miserable. It hurts my stomach.
So, I'm going to keep reminding myself that this is my blog and let it all out. I apologize in advance if you don't like what you read.
My marriage sometimes sucks, but I think that's pretty normal. Sometimes Matt and I can barely stand to be in the same room as each other. Our eons of therapy has taught me that when people get stressed they take it out on their spouses because they are safe. If your boss pisses you off there's not much you can do, so you snap at your mate and somehow that makes you feel better. It's not the proper way to handle things but it helps me know not to take things personally. Matt is going thru a very trying time with his legal battle and it has put us both on edge. He can be a first class jerk from time to time which makes me wonder what the hell I'm doing here but I love my husband and know that neither of us are perfect. Must remember that it's only temporary and things will get better.....
Two of my girlfriends had a trying weekend. One was in the hospital and the other was ending her marriage. I worried for both of them and it pained me that there was nothing I could do to help. Part of me felt like saying....been there, done that....here's how you solve it, but I know that's just arrogance speaking. Those wonderful, strong, smart women will survive on their own. Must remember that it's not always about me!!
My family is pissing me off at the moment (and this is where it gets tricky). One thing that being a mother has taught me is that you cannot (or should not) reward bad behavior. I have learned it but struggle to always practice it. Sometimes Cha will whine about something for an hour until I finally get fed up and give in. I realize that it's bad parenting and will only encourage her to whine longer the next time but I give in anyway. She is my precious baby and it's hard to look at her and not give in to her every demand. Not to mention I have a tiny tolerance for whining. Must learn to be stronger!!
If a child, whether they are 3 and a half or 43 and a half, whines and throws a temper tantrum, rewarding them for their bad behavior will only bite you in the end. I am trying my hardest to keep my life as tame and drama-free as possible. It's difficult and sometimes I suck at it, but I keep trying. I want to see my family and have Cha spend time with her aunts, uncles and cousins. I really want her to have fun memories of my side of the family. I've got half a brain full of crazy times with the Jenkins crew. It's not as easy as it used to be tho and I've got to think about what's best for her, me and them. She might never get to know some of her family but I'm just going to have to learn to be okay with that. My job is to keep my child happy, safe and well taken care of. I do not want her exposed to unnecessary drama, especially if it's going to leave a lasting impression. I lived with the good, bad and ugly and choose to shield Cha from the bad and ugly. Must not feel guilty about that!!
Tonight I dropped Ria off at the vet. She's finally getting spayed tomorrow. I feel guilty about not having it done sooner. She goes into heat on a regular basis and the whole house feels her pain. I know a good cat mom would have made that a priority but I've had trouble balancing my priorities lately and sadly the kitties came in last. Checking this off my list will surely help clear my clogged up brain.
I've taken over two other working moms groups and it's turned out to be more difficult than I imagined. Juggling schedules, personalities, problems, concerns, and even pleasantries has my head doing somersaults. I feel like I'm failing at it and wish I could go back to the day when things were simpler.
(Note: I had to google three words in that paragraph because I wasn't sure how they were spelled. Grandma would be proud to know that I got them all right! Altho, maybe she'd be disappointed that a 41 year old wasn't sure how to spell pleasantries.)
Friday morning I have my last ever appt with Dr. S. He's doing the tattoos. I am a bit nervous about seeing him because I'm afraid he'll be disappointed in my body. I had really hoped to have lost a lot of weight and be in great shape by this point of my recovery. I feel like I'm failing him by not perfecting his artwork. I am still so depressed and altho I have been walking on the treadmill in the basement, I am really not doing as much as I know I can. I wish I felt better and could muster up the ambition to get off my ass!
Meanwhile, my body has been taken over by hives or something. My whole body is blotchy and itches like crazy. I scratch all day long. I've tried cream and allergy meds but it doesn't seem to help much. I made the mistake of taking benedryl twice during work hours. That was a bust. It just knocked me out and made me feel like a zombie for the next two days. I've got to schedule a followup appt with Dr. M to discuss my blood work so I'll talk to her about it then.
Alright, I've babbled long enough. It feels good to have gotten it all out. I'm thinking I might just turn off this machine and snuggle up to Pete and Tigger on the couch. They look so comfortable laying next to me.
I've got to get up in a few hours and take Cha to school. It's supposed to be zero, yippee!!
I want to be honest and speak my mind but find myself thinking of the audience and how it will be received. I'm afraid of how this person or that will react, how feelings might be hurt and tempers might be flared. So, I've been keeping it to myself and that has been miserable. It hurts my stomach.
So, I'm going to keep reminding myself that this is my blog and let it all out. I apologize in advance if you don't like what you read.
My marriage sometimes sucks, but I think that's pretty normal. Sometimes Matt and I can barely stand to be in the same room as each other. Our eons of therapy has taught me that when people get stressed they take it out on their spouses because they are safe. If your boss pisses you off there's not much you can do, so you snap at your mate and somehow that makes you feel better. It's not the proper way to handle things but it helps me know not to take things personally. Matt is going thru a very trying time with his legal battle and it has put us both on edge. He can be a first class jerk from time to time which makes me wonder what the hell I'm doing here but I love my husband and know that neither of us are perfect. Must remember that it's only temporary and things will get better.....
Two of my girlfriends had a trying weekend. One was in the hospital and the other was ending her marriage. I worried for both of them and it pained me that there was nothing I could do to help. Part of me felt like saying....been there, done that....here's how you solve it, but I know that's just arrogance speaking. Those wonderful, strong, smart women will survive on their own. Must remember that it's not always about me!!
My family is pissing me off at the moment (and this is where it gets tricky). One thing that being a mother has taught me is that you cannot (or should not) reward bad behavior. I have learned it but struggle to always practice it. Sometimes Cha will whine about something for an hour until I finally get fed up and give in. I realize that it's bad parenting and will only encourage her to whine longer the next time but I give in anyway. She is my precious baby and it's hard to look at her and not give in to her every demand. Not to mention I have a tiny tolerance for whining. Must learn to be stronger!!
If a child, whether they are 3 and a half or 43 and a half, whines and throws a temper tantrum, rewarding them for their bad behavior will only bite you in the end. I am trying my hardest to keep my life as tame and drama-free as possible. It's difficult and sometimes I suck at it, but I keep trying. I want to see my family and have Cha spend time with her aunts, uncles and cousins. I really want her to have fun memories of my side of the family. I've got half a brain full of crazy times with the Jenkins crew. It's not as easy as it used to be tho and I've got to think about what's best for her, me and them. She might never get to know some of her family but I'm just going to have to learn to be okay with that. My job is to keep my child happy, safe and well taken care of. I do not want her exposed to unnecessary drama, especially if it's going to leave a lasting impression. I lived with the good, bad and ugly and choose to shield Cha from the bad and ugly. Must not feel guilty about that!!
Tonight I dropped Ria off at the vet. She's finally getting spayed tomorrow. I feel guilty about not having it done sooner. She goes into heat on a regular basis and the whole house feels her pain. I know a good cat mom would have made that a priority but I've had trouble balancing my priorities lately and sadly the kitties came in last. Checking this off my list will surely help clear my clogged up brain.
I've taken over two other working moms groups and it's turned out to be more difficult than I imagined. Juggling schedules, personalities, problems, concerns, and even pleasantries has my head doing somersaults. I feel like I'm failing at it and wish I could go back to the day when things were simpler.
(Note: I had to google three words in that paragraph because I wasn't sure how they were spelled. Grandma would be proud to know that I got them all right! Altho, maybe she'd be disappointed that a 41 year old wasn't sure how to spell pleasantries.)
Friday morning I have my last ever appt with Dr. S. He's doing the tattoos. I am a bit nervous about seeing him because I'm afraid he'll be disappointed in my body. I had really hoped to have lost a lot of weight and be in great shape by this point of my recovery. I feel like I'm failing him by not perfecting his artwork. I am still so depressed and altho I have been walking on the treadmill in the basement, I am really not doing as much as I know I can. I wish I felt better and could muster up the ambition to get off my ass!
Meanwhile, my body has been taken over by hives or something. My whole body is blotchy and itches like crazy. I scratch all day long. I've tried cream and allergy meds but it doesn't seem to help much. I made the mistake of taking benedryl twice during work hours. That was a bust. It just knocked me out and made me feel like a zombie for the next two days. I've got to schedule a followup appt with Dr. M to discuss my blood work so I'll talk to her about it then.
Alright, I've babbled long enough. It feels good to have gotten it all out. I'm thinking I might just turn off this machine and snuggle up to Pete and Tigger on the couch. They look so comfortable laying next to me.
I've got to get up in a few hours and take Cha to school. It's supposed to be zero, yippee!!
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