In December 2007 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was open with the details and shared them with anyone who was interested. In turn I heard from many friends, family and near strangers who had similar experiences. I learned much from those who shared their stories. It made a difficult time easier..
In pretty much all of 2008 (and beyond) I battled with anxiety and depression. I did not hide the fact but was too paralyzed with fear to speak much about it. I could not bring myself to share many of the details. I posted a link recently that sums it up perfectly tho I did not have the words to describe it when it was happening. However, what little I did share was met by a virtual crowd of people screaming 'been there, done that'. I had no idea depression and anxiety were that common.
In November 2009 my brother took his own life via self immolation. I shared the news with everyone. I was shocked to hear the whispers of people who had lost loved ones to suicide or who had made attempts in the past themselves. It happens more than you know. I went to support groups to share my experience and to listen to others who felt my pain. For me, talking was the best medicine.
In September 2010 I lost my mother. The time leading up to her death was incredibly painful. I knew it was happening yet I could not bring myself to talk about it. There were a few emails to close girlfriends about my fears and perhaps an extra cocktail or two when I really didn't want to think about the reality. I was not in denial I was just tired of putting myself out there, again. Quite frankly, the pain is exhausting.
What I have learned most since December 2007 is the importance of being open and sharing. Keeping things inside, whether they are feelings or secrets, is dangerous. After my brother killed himself a friend shared that her boyfriend took his own life 20 years ago, while they were together. She did not tell her family and kept the details of his death secret from his friends. Twenty years later she's still carrying the same pain.
Not too long ago I learned that someone I love was abused in a very horrendous way. I shared the pain with my girlfriends because I needed to talk about it. I could not keep it inside. The pain was too much. And as always, the story was met with a loud roar of 'it happened to me too'. Who knew I had my own little support group of women who were abused when they were girls.
I have not found one feeling or experience that I've had that hasn't been validated by another person. And that's kinda what it's about, the validation. If I have it alone I must be insanely crazy, on the verge of losing my mind. If others have it as well, knowing there's a connection helps things hurt a little bit less.
Some have accused me of over-sharing or giving way too much information. That may be true but the more I share the better I feel, and I know that my words have felt others feel better as well.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
that's messed up
So the mom I mentioned a few days ago, the one who died? Well, she's alive. I can't even imagine what prompted whomever to post an obituary for a living person. The paper has since taken it down but it was up long enough for many people in the community to take note. It was up long enough for damage to be done.
A friend was kind enough to tell me over the phone. She wanted to make sure I heard the news before I stepped outside my house one day and saw a dead person walking around. In my current state of grief and missing my own mother terribly, I'm not sure how I'd respond. And what about my child who was told that the woman passed away, like Grandma and Uncle Keith and Aunt Florence and Pap Pap and Cousin Bobby? Will she suddenly think that there's a chance that all dead people will come back to the land of the living? I refuse to think of what the woman's children are dealing with and what they are forced to handle. Too much pain.
Death is much easier to explain than the mental illness that leads a person to publicly announce a death that did not happen.
A friend was kind enough to tell me over the phone. She wanted to make sure I heard the news before I stepped outside my house one day and saw a dead person walking around. In my current state of grief and missing my own mother terribly, I'm not sure how I'd respond. And what about my child who was told that the woman passed away, like Grandma and Uncle Keith and Aunt Florence and Pap Pap and Cousin Bobby? Will she suddenly think that there's a chance that all dead people will come back to the land of the living? I refuse to think of what the woman's children are dealing with and what they are forced to handle. Too much pain.
Death is much easier to explain than the mental illness that leads a person to publicly announce a death that did not happen.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Giving Thanks (part two)
16. I am thankful for my many years of therapy. There were times when I felt like I wasn't quite right in the head and quite possibly the most messed up person on the planet. Thanks to my therapist(s) I learned that I'm actually rather normal and my brain is on straight. I know I have issues and maybe a character flaw or two that need to be worked on, but overall I'm pretty balanced. It's nice to have someone keep you in check.
17. I am thankful for the open road and endless possibilities. I love road trips and it's comforting knowing that family is only a drive away, even if I don't have anything scheduled.
18. I am thankful for snail mail. The USPS announced recently that rates will be increasing in 2012. A regular first class letter will now be $0.45. Some may gripe since it seems that rates go up every year, but I think it's fine. I think first class stamps should be $0.50 and the extra nickle be used to upgrade outdated equipment and streamline the whole process. Nothing beats getting a letter or card in the mail.
19. I am thankful for the pricey pre-lit Christmas tree we bought on clearance several years ago. I think it was 80% off so we paid less than $40. We set the tree up over the weekend and I love how easy it was to assemble, without having to mess with a tangled string of lights. I was a live-tree girl for many years but with a child and house full of pets, I got tired of the clean-up.
20. I am thankful for my DVR and before that a string of VCRs that allowed me to keep up to date on my soaps. I've been watching my soaps regularly for over 30 years. For the last fifteen years I've been able to follow daily by recording and getting caught up at night or on weekends. In January my most treasured soap (OLTL) will be going away. It may be just one less show for my DVR to record, but it's going to leave a big void. I'm not quite sure how I'll adjust.
21. I am thankful for Words with Friends for keeping me entertained in the middle of the night when Puppy is awake, needing to pee or has too much energy. It's also come in handy in the doctor's office, the grocery check out, and while dinner is cooking. I play with family, friends or random people. Some games take a week to finish and others are over in a day. If you play please challenge me to a game. Username: jonijenks
22. I am thankful for Cha's grandparents for taking her for sleepovers. Cha loves her Mimi and Pa and I am grateful that they are local and have built such a beautiful relationship with her. I cherish the time I spent with my grandmother and it's important to me that Cha has memories of her grandmother as well.
23. I am thankful for Travis, who found a litter of kittens in his front yard 11 years ago and brought them into the office to share. One of those kittens was my Evil Kitty who has been there for all the highs and lows during the last decade. She took many weekend trips to NYC with me while I tried to salvage my first marriage and sat in judgment when Matt first walked in my door. I knew he was a keeper when Evil (who basically dislikes all people) climbed up on Matt's lap and took a nap. She is one wise old (and grumpy) kitty and I am tremendously grateful to Travis for bringing her to me.
24. I am thankful for my washer and dryer. They have gotten quite a work out the last two months since we've brought puppy home. It feels like I am always washing bedding or towels. With the cold weather coming up, I imagine they'll be working harder than ever with not only our dirty, muddy clothes but also the towels to clean up after a muddy puppy who loves to dig.
25. I am thankful for the 40+ years that I had with my mother.
26. I am thankful for CNET and their honest reviews. We're looking at buying a tablet for the family for Christmas. We started out looking for a small video game for Cha but realized that a tablet offers much more (games, music, movies, tv, internet, etc.) for around the same price. I *think* Santa will be bring Cha (and mom and dad) an HTC Flyer for Christmas.
27. I am thankful for all the time and energy my father spends on the family calendars. He does several calendars a year for the different branches of my family tree. It's a huge task compiling and updating the data and picking just the right pictures but the calendars are always well received. He has already begun printing them out and I look forward to seeing next year's calendar girls/boys.
28. I am thankful for the luxury of having a roof over my head and food on my table. I know in the current economy those aren't items to take for granted.
29. I am thankful for my sister-in-law who gave us a bench and blanket earlier this year. The blanket says 'We may not have it all together but together we have it all.' Very true.
30. I am thankful that 2011 is nearing its end and that 2012 holds great hope and opportunity.
17. I am thankful for the open road and endless possibilities. I love road trips and it's comforting knowing that family is only a drive away, even if I don't have anything scheduled.
18. I am thankful for snail mail. The USPS announced recently that rates will be increasing in 2012. A regular first class letter will now be $0.45. Some may gripe since it seems that rates go up every year, but I think it's fine. I think first class stamps should be $0.50 and the extra nickle be used to upgrade outdated equipment and streamline the whole process. Nothing beats getting a letter or card in the mail.
19. I am thankful for the pricey pre-lit Christmas tree we bought on clearance several years ago. I think it was 80% off so we paid less than $40. We set the tree up over the weekend and I love how easy it was to assemble, without having to mess with a tangled string of lights. I was a live-tree girl for many years but with a child and house full of pets, I got tired of the clean-up.
20. I am thankful for my DVR and before that a string of VCRs that allowed me to keep up to date on my soaps. I've been watching my soaps regularly for over 30 years. For the last fifteen years I've been able to follow daily by recording and getting caught up at night or on weekends. In January my most treasured soap (OLTL) will be going away. It may be just one less show for my DVR to record, but it's going to leave a big void. I'm not quite sure how I'll adjust.
21. I am thankful for Words with Friends for keeping me entertained in the middle of the night when Puppy is awake, needing to pee or has too much energy. It's also come in handy in the doctor's office, the grocery check out, and while dinner is cooking. I play with family, friends or random people. Some games take a week to finish and others are over in a day. If you play please challenge me to a game. Username: jonijenks
22. I am thankful for Cha's grandparents for taking her for sleepovers. Cha loves her Mimi and Pa and I am grateful that they are local and have built such a beautiful relationship with her. I cherish the time I spent with my grandmother and it's important to me that Cha has memories of her grandmother as well.
23. I am thankful for Travis, who found a litter of kittens in his front yard 11 years ago and brought them into the office to share. One of those kittens was my Evil Kitty who has been there for all the highs and lows during the last decade. She took many weekend trips to NYC with me while I tried to salvage my first marriage and sat in judgment when Matt first walked in my door. I knew he was a keeper when Evil (who basically dislikes all people) climbed up on Matt's lap and took a nap. She is one wise old (and grumpy) kitty and I am tremendously grateful to Travis for bringing her to me.
24. I am thankful for my washer and dryer. They have gotten quite a work out the last two months since we've brought puppy home. It feels like I am always washing bedding or towels. With the cold weather coming up, I imagine they'll be working harder than ever with not only our dirty, muddy clothes but also the towels to clean up after a muddy puppy who loves to dig.
25. I am thankful for the 40+ years that I had with my mother.
26. I am thankful for CNET and their honest reviews. We're looking at buying a tablet for the family for Christmas. We started out looking for a small video game for Cha but realized that a tablet offers much more (games, music, movies, tv, internet, etc.) for around the same price. I *think* Santa will be bring Cha (and mom and dad) an HTC Flyer for Christmas.
27. I am thankful for all the time and energy my father spends on the family calendars. He does several calendars a year for the different branches of my family tree. It's a huge task compiling and updating the data and picking just the right pictures but the calendars are always well received. He has already begun printing them out and I look forward to seeing next year's calendar girls/boys.
28. I am thankful for the luxury of having a roof over my head and food on my table. I know in the current economy those aren't items to take for granted.
29. I am thankful for my sister-in-law who gave us a bench and blanket earlier this year. The blanket says 'We may not have it all together but together we have it all.' Very true.
30. I am thankful that 2011 is nearing its end and that 2012 holds great hope and opportunity.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
be gentle on my girl
Our neighbor just died. She was 32 and left behind four kids. Cha played with her kids and I talked to her regularly on the playground or bus stop.
This morning I had to tell Cha that her friend's mother had died. With every cell in my body I wanted to make her feel better by saying that her mom and dad were not going to die. But that would be a lie, because one day we will and we have no idea when that will be. It could happen in 40 years or it could happen this afternoon. I just don't want Cha to have those thoughts in her head. She already struggles with nightmares and separation anxiety. I am pained thinking about how frightened she feels when she's alone. I need my baby to feel safe.
I keep a private journal for her and hope she'll read it many years from now, after I'm gone. That's my plan. I want to stay safe and healthy so my child has her mother as long as possible. I want to journal about how proud I am of her college degree and parenting skills. I want to share with her my private thoughts about getting old and senile and give her advice on how to deal with an aging body. I want to journal about the fun her dad and I have with an empty next and an open road.
Right now I really need people to stop dying.
This morning I had to tell Cha that her friend's mother had died. With every cell in my body I wanted to make her feel better by saying that her mom and dad were not going to die. But that would be a lie, because one day we will and we have no idea when that will be. It could happen in 40 years or it could happen this afternoon. I just don't want Cha to have those thoughts in her head. She already struggles with nightmares and separation anxiety. I am pained thinking about how frightened she feels when she's alone. I need my baby to feel safe.
I keep a private journal for her and hope she'll read it many years from now, after I'm gone. That's my plan. I want to stay safe and healthy so my child has her mother as long as possible. I want to journal about how proud I am of her college degree and parenting skills. I want to share with her my private thoughts about getting old and senile and give her advice on how to deal with an aging body. I want to journal about the fun her dad and I have with an empty next and an open road.
Right now I really need people to stop dying.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Giving Thanks (part one)
Many Facebook friends and fellow Bloggers are posting Daily Thanks for the month of November. It's a great idea and I am enjoying their words and the emotions behind them.
Life has been way too busy for me lately so promising to do anything every day (other than brush my teeth and put on deodorant) would be a waste of time. So, here are my Daily Thanks for the first part of November. Feel free to read one a day. : )
1. I am thankful for my home, which keeps me comfortable and safe and holds memories of my growing family. It needs a whole lot of work but it's where my little family of three snuggles up together on the couch or sits around the dinner table and creates precious moments. When I saw the house for the first time I fell in love with the 2nd floor hall, the area at the top of the stairs, outside the bedrooms. It's a small area but it seemed so homey, someplace that only those who lived there could appreciate.
2. I am thankful for my little fenced in yard which contains and entertains little Lizzy and makes being a dog owner that much easier. In years passed we've had gardens, sandboxes, tents and pools in that yard but I'm loving that the open space is now being occupied by our sweet puppy, and a half dozen beach balls that have been popped and dragged in the mud.
3. I am thankful for Dr. Singer who performed my post-bilat reconstruction. He is an amazingly talented and caring surgeon and I was blessed to find him. I've recommended him to several friends and family and they all had good experiences with him.
4. I am thankful for Brigitte, who three years ago opened her family's vacation home to a bunch of near strangers for a mom's retreat. That act closely bonded a group of woman and started a bi-annual tradition of weekend getaways filled with staying up too late, waking up too early, enjoying fresh air and afternoon naps, laughing til it hurts, countless empty bottles, too much food, practical jokes, tears, and the occasional F word.
5. I am thankful for the passage of time. It is wrinkling my skin and turning my hair gray and straw-like but it has also soothed old wounds and provided clarity. It allowed me to send birthday cards or notes of condolences to old friends. Events or acts that once devastated are put in their place and seem smaller with the passage of time.
6. I am thankful for our military and our veterans who gave or continue to give so much of themselves to my family and yours could remain safe, secure and most of all free. Tomorrow Cha's school is hosting a special lunch for veterans in their cafeteria. They will be playing a slideshow of service men and women dear to our children's lives. I sent in pictures of a few family and friends and am kinda thankful that I didn't volunteer to help. I can see myself blubbering all over the food.
7. I am thankful for my husband, his love, and the love he has for our child. This year we celebrate ten years together. It has been one wild roller coaster ride but when I think of the most joyful moments of my entire life, Matt is there. He is responsible for the best of the best and things will only get better.
8. I am thankful for my California roots. I grew up in So Cal in the late 60s, early 70s. That's a whole lot of liberalism. I was born with an open mind and was exposed to many different people and ideas. I learned to be tolerant of others and think it has served me well. Being exposed to such conflicting opinions was difficult at times but it left me with a firm grip on my own beliefs. When everyone around you says the sky is pink and you can't help but think it's blue, well that's just who you are. So thank you California for helping me become a better conservative.
9. I am thankful for the middle of the night decision to move to the east coast 22 years ago. I have now officially lived on the east coast longer than I lived on the west coast. When people ask me why I would leave the beach I always tell them I just feel more comfortable out here. I love the people. I admire the brains and attitude of east coasters. And the atmosphere. So Cal is beautiful and the people are gorgeous and amazing and talented and friendly, but in my opinion, east coasters are more genuine. The people are authentic.
10. I am thankful for HBO which puts out some of the Best Shows Ever. My favorites - Boardwalk Empire, Six Feet Under, Sex and the City, The Sopranos, Bored to Death, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Big Love, Flight of the Conchords, In Treatment, Oz. Six Feet Under has the best series finale of all time. Wouldn't it be neat for to see a life fast forwarded for all your favorite characters?
11. I am thankful for Gmail. I was one of the early adopters and got a Gmail invite long before it became public. My techie friends and I used it to share music. I rarely delete email and my in-box reads like a journal, which I go back and read quite often. There's a lot of history in those notes. A few were too painful to keep so they're gone without a trace, but those updates from Cha's early days or dating ramblings with the girlfriends is good stuff.
12. I am thankful for Blogger profiles which has introduced me to hundreds (if not thousands) of hours reading fascinating stories from around the world. I've become friends with several bloggers and am always excited when I stumble on someone new and get caught up on their posts.
13. I am thankful for the Patch Network 'your source for local knowledge you can't live without'. I have learned more about my community by reading my local Patch than from many years of reading the local newspaper. Check them out and see what you learn about your neighborhood.
14. I am thankful for my local library and the librarian who has known my daughter's name forever. Other than having a great children's book selection, fun story times, and cool programs, they also have an awesome used book room where for $5 you can fill an entire duffel bag with books to take home. (Yes, I know you can check them out and read them for FREE but some books I just love having on my shelf, which is why I don't think I'm a Kindle person.)
15. I am thankful for my Droid. It completes me!
Life has been way too busy for me lately so promising to do anything every day (other than brush my teeth and put on deodorant) would be a waste of time. So, here are my Daily Thanks for the first part of November. Feel free to read one a day. : )
1. I am thankful for my home, which keeps me comfortable and safe and holds memories of my growing family. It needs a whole lot of work but it's where my little family of three snuggles up together on the couch or sits around the dinner table and creates precious moments. When I saw the house for the first time I fell in love with the 2nd floor hall, the area at the top of the stairs, outside the bedrooms. It's a small area but it seemed so homey, someplace that only those who lived there could appreciate.
2. I am thankful for my little fenced in yard which contains and entertains little Lizzy and makes being a dog owner that much easier. In years passed we've had gardens, sandboxes, tents and pools in that yard but I'm loving that the open space is now being occupied by our sweet puppy, and a half dozen beach balls that have been popped and dragged in the mud.
3. I am thankful for Dr. Singer who performed my post-bilat reconstruction. He is an amazingly talented and caring surgeon and I was blessed to find him. I've recommended him to several friends and family and they all had good experiences with him.
4. I am thankful for Brigitte, who three years ago opened her family's vacation home to a bunch of near strangers for a mom's retreat. That act closely bonded a group of woman and started a bi-annual tradition of weekend getaways filled with staying up too late, waking up too early, enjoying fresh air and afternoon naps, laughing til it hurts, countless empty bottles, too much food, practical jokes, tears, and the occasional F word.
5. I am thankful for the passage of time. It is wrinkling my skin and turning my hair gray and straw-like but it has also soothed old wounds and provided clarity. It allowed me to send birthday cards or notes of condolences to old friends. Events or acts that once devastated are put in their place and seem smaller with the passage of time.
6. I am thankful for our military and our veterans who gave or continue to give so much of themselves to my family and yours could remain safe, secure and most of all free. Tomorrow Cha's school is hosting a special lunch for veterans in their cafeteria. They will be playing a slideshow of service men and women dear to our children's lives. I sent in pictures of a few family and friends and am kinda thankful that I didn't volunteer to help. I can see myself blubbering all over the food.
7. I am thankful for my husband, his love, and the love he has for our child. This year we celebrate ten years together. It has been one wild roller coaster ride but when I think of the most joyful moments of my entire life, Matt is there. He is responsible for the best of the best and things will only get better.
8. I am thankful for my California roots. I grew up in So Cal in the late 60s, early 70s. That's a whole lot of liberalism. I was born with an open mind and was exposed to many different people and ideas. I learned to be tolerant of others and think it has served me well. Being exposed to such conflicting opinions was difficult at times but it left me with a firm grip on my own beliefs. When everyone around you says the sky is pink and you can't help but think it's blue, well that's just who you are. So thank you California for helping me become a better conservative.
9. I am thankful for the middle of the night decision to move to the east coast 22 years ago. I have now officially lived on the east coast longer than I lived on the west coast. When people ask me why I would leave the beach I always tell them I just feel more comfortable out here. I love the people. I admire the brains and attitude of east coasters. And the atmosphere. So Cal is beautiful and the people are gorgeous and amazing and talented and friendly, but in my opinion, east coasters are more genuine. The people are authentic.
10. I am thankful for HBO which puts out some of the Best Shows Ever. My favorites - Boardwalk Empire, Six Feet Under, Sex and the City, The Sopranos, Bored to Death, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Big Love, Flight of the Conchords, In Treatment, Oz. Six Feet Under has the best series finale of all time. Wouldn't it be neat for to see a life fast forwarded for all your favorite characters?
11. I am thankful for Gmail. I was one of the early adopters and got a Gmail invite long before it became public. My techie friends and I used it to share music. I rarely delete email and my in-box reads like a journal, which I go back and read quite often. There's a lot of history in those notes. A few were too painful to keep so they're gone without a trace, but those updates from Cha's early days or dating ramblings with the girlfriends is good stuff.
12. I am thankful for Blogger profiles which has introduced me to hundreds (if not thousands) of hours reading fascinating stories from around the world. I've become friends with several bloggers and am always excited when I stumble on someone new and get caught up on their posts.
13. I am thankful for the Patch Network 'your source for local knowledge you can't live without'. I have learned more about my community by reading my local Patch than from many years of reading the local newspaper. Check them out and see what you learn about your neighborhood.
14. I am thankful for my local library and the librarian who has known my daughter's name forever. Other than having a great children's book selection, fun story times, and cool programs, they also have an awesome used book room where for $5 you can fill an entire duffel bag with books to take home. (Yes, I know you can check them out and read them for FREE but some books I just love having on my shelf, which is why I don't think I'm a Kindle person.)
15. I am thankful for my Droid. It completes me!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
singing her praises
Sometimes I feel like I brag about my girl too often. She's my one and only and as frustrating as motherhood can be, I am forever amazed by the experience. It's quite possible that friends and family get tired of hearing me sing her praises, but I can't stop. She is incredible, even with all her flaws and she deserves to hear her mother brag.Monday was Halloween and it was a perfect night. She was dressed and ready to go long before anyone else in the neighborhood. I told her we needed to wait until after 6:00 to make sure people were home from work and ready to receive trick-or-treaters. She patiently hung outside watching the cars come home.
She and I walked the neighborhood together and Matt stayed at home to hand out candy. Early in the evening it hit me how much of a politician my little girl is. She has no fear and going door to door and talking to people was her favorite part of the night. She walked up, introduced herself, said Trick or Treat and chatted with whomever was at the door. If someone paid her a compliment she had to say something nice in return.
Neighbor: I love your costume!
Cha: Well I love the way you carved your pumpkins and put flowers around them.
She found something to chat about at every house. If the family had a dog she would discuss the breed and tell stories about her new puppy, or dogs in her life. One house had a beautiful chocolate lab. After she took the candy and said thank you she asked if she could pet the dog. (She had to pet all dogs.) Then she told the story of her cousin's chocolate lab, who they got as a puppy but had to put down due to a digestive issue. (Her words.) She said she hoped their lab stayed healthy then said "Happy Halloween!" and walked to the next house.
We were back home before 7:00 at her request. She said she'd had enough and wanted to pass out candy. Matt and I started out answering the door with her but it became obvious that this was her show and she didn't need co-stars. She coo'd at every costume and continued to make small talk with everyone. About 8:00 when the young kids were home and all we were receiving were teenagers, Cha continued the banter. I had to laugh at one point when she was handing out candy to the kids who gave her candy earlier in the night. And, they weren't nearly as friendly or polite as she had been. (Do teens ever say thank you?)
She is a sweet, smart, funny, and lively child. She loves people and that will serve her well in life.
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