Cari passed away. I had been checking in every day so I knew the end was near, but it didn't prepare me for that last post. I found her blog many moons ago and over the span of a long weekend I caught up on all of her posts. She was an incredible person and I would have loved to have met her in person.
I enjoy reading the comments on the last post. People from all over coming together to remark how Cari had touched their lives. She touched mine for sure and I'm going to miss her.
Cha and I went to the Y Friday night for a swim. Our local Y has a super cool pool for younger kids and Cha loves playing in the water. We spent about an hour and a half jumping, swimming and laughing and then headed to the locker room to get changed.
The bag I brought with me had clean and dry clothes for both of us along with shampoo and soap. We both hopped under the showers and got all scrubbed up. I rinsed off our swimsuits, which had the awful chlorine stank on them and hung them up to dry. While Cha and I were drying off and ready to get dressed two girls walked in the shower room. I noticed one of the girls look at my chest and kinda grimace. For a split second I had no idea why she would have that reaction and then I remembered my scars.
It made me smile. Here I was having a fun time laughing with my little girl, the cancer and surgeries totally out of my mind. I never would have imagined that a year ago.
Finally, I read an incredible poem on Olaf's blog. Def. worth a read.
Happy Saturday!
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Blogging
As anyone who has created and maintained a blog can tell you, it's very therapeutic. Over the past nearly two years my blog has helped me inform my family about my health updates, meet and lean on others who were also battling cancer, and get a whole lot off my chest (pun intended). Having an outlet to vent about both good and bad was incredibly important and I hope that by being open I was able to provide a bit of help or least some understanding to others experiencing the same.
But it feels like, thanks to God, my breast cancer journey is complete. I saw an oncologist who said I'm done. I have only the tiniest bit of breast tissue left in my body and the chance that my cancer will come back is slim to none. I will continue monthly BSEs to get a feel for changes to my breasts, but I had my last ever mammogram on December 3, 2007 and feel blessed that I never have to have another. I had DCIS, which some doctors don't even consider cancer. I made an aggressive decision to have both breasts removed. At the time a friend told me that it was an 'overly dramatic' move. Well, it might have been but I have no regrets. It was well worth the peace of mind.
My reconstructed breasts are just fine. The scars are fading and they feel okay. They aren't perfect, but neither were my natural ones. My fake nipples look great even if they still don't have any feeling. So, I have no complaints. I will always have a doctor crush on Drs. Singer Kripke. They were knights in shining armor during a very bad time and I will continue to recommend them to anyone needing their services.
My depression [knock wood] is gone. I have been off Lexapro for just about two months and no longer feel any side effects of the withdrawal. My mind is the same as before the cancer, crabbiness and all. I had some amazing therapy sessions during the past two years but learned that most of the hard times were due to circumstances and not severe mental flaws. I see no reason to continue seeing someone.
So I guess that's it. I have been struggling with what to do with this blog, contemplating posting other personal information about my life and struggles but I've decided to let it be.
Thanks for reading and being there for me.
:)
But it feels like, thanks to God, my breast cancer journey is complete. I saw an oncologist who said I'm done. I have only the tiniest bit of breast tissue left in my body and the chance that my cancer will come back is slim to none. I will continue monthly BSEs to get a feel for changes to my breasts, but I had my last ever mammogram on December 3, 2007 and feel blessed that I never have to have another. I had DCIS, which some doctors don't even consider cancer. I made an aggressive decision to have both breasts removed. At the time a friend told me that it was an 'overly dramatic' move. Well, it might have been but I have no regrets. It was well worth the peace of mind.
My reconstructed breasts are just fine. The scars are fading and they feel okay. They aren't perfect, but neither were my natural ones. My fake nipples look great even if they still don't have any feeling. So, I have no complaints. I will always have a doctor crush on Drs. Singer Kripke. They were knights in shining armor during a very bad time and I will continue to recommend them to anyone needing their services.
My depression [knock wood] is gone. I have been off Lexapro for just about two months and no longer feel any side effects of the withdrawal. My mind is the same as before the cancer, crabbiness and all. I had some amazing therapy sessions during the past two years but learned that most of the hard times were due to circumstances and not severe mental flaws. I see no reason to continue seeing someone.
So I guess that's it. I have been struggling with what to do with this blog, contemplating posting other personal information about my life and struggles but I've decided to let it be.
Thanks for reading and being there for me.
:)
Thursday, September 17, 2009
give a mom a muffin
If you give a mom a muffin
She'll want a strong cup of coffee to go with it, She'll make herself some.
Her three-year-old will spill the coffee, She'll wipe it up.
While wiping the floor she'll find dirty socks.
She'll remember she has to do laundry.
When she puts the laundry in the washer, she'll trip over boots and bump into the box of Goodwill items.
Bumping into the Goodwill items will remind her that she has to get these boxes out of her basement and into the car.
When she puts the boxes in the car, she'll find a bag of groceries and this will remind her she has to cook dinner.
She will get out the chicken defrosting in the fridge.
She'll look for her cookbook, "101 Things To Do With Chicken"
The cookbook will be sitting under a pile of mail.
She will see the Netflix movie she's meant to send back and the phone bill,which is due tomorrow.
The checkbook will be in her purse that is being dumped out by her one-year-old.
As she bends down to rescue her purse, she'll smell something funny.
She'll change the baby's diaper.
While she is throwing away the diaper and searching for the hand sanitizer, the phone will ring.
Her three-year-old will answer and hang up.
She'll remember she wants to call a friend - not for coffee, but for a very strong drink.
Thinking of drinking will remind her that she was going to have a cup of coffee in order to stay awake for the rest of the day.
And chances are....
If she finds her cup of coffee (which she has to reheat by now),
Her children will have eaten the muffin that goes with it.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Here I am!
Howdy Ho! It's only been a week but it's been a super busy one.
Let's see....a week ago yesterday I went to my primary physician about my overall crappy well being. She said it could have been the Lexapro but also my clogged up sinuses, lack of sleep, and dealing with my daily stresses without medication. She gave me a script for a sleeping pill and instructed me to get 9 hours a night, no excuses. She also gave me lab paperwork to get my blood work done, just in case. My appt was early in the morning so I managed to get my fasting levels done. Yippee.
Friday my body was just tired. I could barely keep my eyes open. My body hurt and felt like it needed 14 hours of sleep so I dropped Cha off at school and came back to sleep the rest of the day. Her school closes for a week every year before Labor Day, so I had to be ready to be alone with my little high energy diva.
Monday morning Dr. M called to give me the lab results and to give me a long lecture on how to take care of myself. It seems my sugar levels were high. Like scary high. That explains why I've been feeling so crappy. I'm up and down and my body is mad.
She lectured me on diet and exercise and being real. No excuses this time. I had to get in shape or it would kill me. I promised that I would because I didn't want to go on more daily medications. Shortly after we hung up I grabbed the dog and took a long and brisk walk. As I was walking out the door Matt says: 'But what about dinner?' I told him there was plenty of food in the fridge, including lasagna from the night before, and that he was on his own. Seriously, don't give me a reason to make excuses. I could have easily stopped, made dinner for my family, sat down and ate way too much, felt too full for a walk, and spent the rest of the night feeling awful. I needed to get out and walk, and think.
I spoke to a friend that night about all that was happening. I was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to do it. I know my weaknesses and I know that the hardest thing in the world is to get out in the world when you're feeling down, much less get out and exercise. She gave me some good advice. Medication is nothing to be afraid of. It will stabilize me and give me the energy I need to start doing what I need to do.
So, I started taking Metformin this week. A diabetes drug. Crap.
It will work out. I know it will help and hopefully a few months from now I'll be in much better shape and won't even need the pills. I've got my fingers crossed.
To lay it out there:
July Triglyceride: 250
August Triglyceride: 963
Normal: <150
Ouch!
This week has been exhausting trying to keep up with a soon to be 4 year old. Don't believe what they say about Terrible Twos. Three and 4 are much worse. We've had fun but I think we both would have enjoyed it more if she hadn't given up naps.
On Tuesday she and I trotted over to my annual girlie check up. She's become a real pro at exam rooms. My gyn asked me who was following up on my 'breasts'. Well, you see with my type of cancer most doctors say that no follow up is needed. No mammos, no MRIs, no nothing. She made me feel uneasy about it so I decided to call the Paoli Breast Center and ask their opinion. They suggested that I call my breast surgeon, Dr. K as he would certainly want to follow up with me.
Well, I called Dr. K's office and told them the story. I asked if I needed to be seen. Nope, he didn't think it was necessary. Actually he said: I am happy to be one less doctor you need to see.
Just to be safe I called Paoli again and asked to see an oncologist. I've got an appt for next week. The doctor will read my files and let me know if I need any further checks. I'm sure the answer will be no, but it just feels funny to say no one will be watching.
So, that's my week.
A P.S. to Kayleigh.....I gave Valerian tea the old college try, but my God that stuff smells! Even bagged up and stuffed in a box, the tea still managed to make my cupboards stink.
Let's see....a week ago yesterday I went to my primary physician about my overall crappy well being. She said it could have been the Lexapro but also my clogged up sinuses, lack of sleep, and dealing with my daily stresses without medication. She gave me a script for a sleeping pill and instructed me to get 9 hours a night, no excuses. She also gave me lab paperwork to get my blood work done, just in case. My appt was early in the morning so I managed to get my fasting levels done. Yippee.
Friday my body was just tired. I could barely keep my eyes open. My body hurt and felt like it needed 14 hours of sleep so I dropped Cha off at school and came back to sleep the rest of the day. Her school closes for a week every year before Labor Day, so I had to be ready to be alone with my little high energy diva.
Monday morning Dr. M called to give me the lab results and to give me a long lecture on how to take care of myself. It seems my sugar levels were high. Like scary high. That explains why I've been feeling so crappy. I'm up and down and my body is mad.
She lectured me on diet and exercise and being real. No excuses this time. I had to get in shape or it would kill me. I promised that I would because I didn't want to go on more daily medications. Shortly after we hung up I grabbed the dog and took a long and brisk walk. As I was walking out the door Matt says: 'But what about dinner?' I told him there was plenty of food in the fridge, including lasagna from the night before, and that he was on his own. Seriously, don't give me a reason to make excuses. I could have easily stopped, made dinner for my family, sat down and ate way too much, felt too full for a walk, and spent the rest of the night feeling awful. I needed to get out and walk, and think.
I spoke to a friend that night about all that was happening. I was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to do it. I know my weaknesses and I know that the hardest thing in the world is to get out in the world when you're feeling down, much less get out and exercise. She gave me some good advice. Medication is nothing to be afraid of. It will stabilize me and give me the energy I need to start doing what I need to do.
So, I started taking Metformin this week. A diabetes drug. Crap.
It will work out. I know it will help and hopefully a few months from now I'll be in much better shape and won't even need the pills. I've got my fingers crossed.
To lay it out there:
July Triglyceride: 250
August Triglyceride: 963
Normal: <150
Ouch!
This week has been exhausting trying to keep up with a soon to be 4 year old. Don't believe what they say about Terrible Twos. Three and 4 are much worse. We've had fun but I think we both would have enjoyed it more if she hadn't given up naps.
On Tuesday she and I trotted over to my annual girlie check up. She's become a real pro at exam rooms. My gyn asked me who was following up on my 'breasts'. Well, you see with my type of cancer most doctors say that no follow up is needed. No mammos, no MRIs, no nothing. She made me feel uneasy about it so I decided to call the Paoli Breast Center and ask their opinion. They suggested that I call my breast surgeon, Dr. K as he would certainly want to follow up with me.
Well, I called Dr. K's office and told them the story. I asked if I needed to be seen. Nope, he didn't think it was necessary. Actually he said: I am happy to be one less doctor you need to see.
Just to be safe I called Paoli again and asked to see an oncologist. I've got an appt for next week. The doctor will read my files and let me know if I need any further checks. I'm sure the answer will be no, but it just feels funny to say no one will be watching.
So, that's my week.
A P.S. to Kayleigh.....I gave Valerian tea the old college try, but my God that stuff smells! Even bagged up and stuffed in a box, the tea still managed to make my cupboards stink.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Lexapro Free (scratch that)
I spent most of yesterday afternoon dizzy and feeling pretty loopy. This morning is tough too. I feel like I'm walking in play doh.
I think the weekend's clear head and energy boost was a fluke. I really want this to be over.
I think the weekend's clear head and energy boost was a fluke. I really want this to be over.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Lexapro Free (knock wood)
I hope I'm not cursing myself, but it appears as tho I am Lexapro free. Last week was the worst but this weekend I started feeling normal. What an odd feeling.
I was super crabby on Saturday. Emotions I had forgotten that I had came to light. I was getting frustrated and irked by some of Cha's actions, things that I had grown to just let go. My little angel can be a bit bratty at times. Who knew?
In another week or so I expect to have my self back and I'll start dealing with my quirks then. It feels nice to go to bed and wake up at normal hours. And I've got a bit more energy than I've had in the past.
We'll see how it goes.
I was super crabby on Saturday. Emotions I had forgotten that I had came to light. I was getting frustrated and irked by some of Cha's actions, things that I had grown to just let go. My little angel can be a bit bratty at times. Who knew?
In another week or so I expect to have my self back and I'll start dealing with my quirks then. It feels nice to go to bed and wake up at normal hours. And I've got a bit more energy than I've had in the past.
We'll see how it goes.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Four day chip?
I wonder if there's a 4 day chip for being off the Lexapro. Actually, today is day five and I'm hanging in there. I had been taking the pills every other day but this week I am down to cold turkey.
I've got these terrible hot flashes, which sucks in 90 degree weather. I'm hoping that once menopause hits in the next decade or so I'll think it's a breeze compared to this withdrawal crap.
The HVAC in the office is the pits. One side of the building feels like a freezer and the other side (which houses my desk) feels like a boiler room. I made it a half day today before I headed home to work barely clothed in front of a fan.
The other night I had a dream where I was on a big military ship that was filled with monsters. All the monsters looked like a co-worker and I had to violently slaughter them to make them go away. It makes for a disturbing day when you walk around with visions of slaughtered friends in your head.
Tonight I am going to the movies with friends and then tomorrow cheering on Uncle Milk in Reading. I'm hoping for a clear mind.
I've got these terrible hot flashes, which sucks in 90 degree weather. I'm hoping that once menopause hits in the next decade or so I'll think it's a breeze compared to this withdrawal crap.
The HVAC in the office is the pits. One side of the building feels like a freezer and the other side (which houses my desk) feels like a boiler room. I made it a half day today before I headed home to work barely clothed in front of a fan.
The other night I had a dream where I was on a big military ship that was filled with monsters. All the monsters looked like a co-worker and I had to violently slaughter them to make them go away. It makes for a disturbing day when you walk around with visions of slaughtered friends in your head.
Tonight I am going to the movies with friends and then tomorrow cheering on Uncle Milk in Reading. I'm hoping for a clear mind.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Lexapro
I'm trying my damnedest to get off my anti-depressants and it's making me sick. Emotionally and physically sick. I've been saying that I don't want to take them since the beginning of the year. It was one of my New Year's resolutions. Must get off the meds!
If you google Lexapro withdrawal you'll read hellish stories about how hard it is to get off these things. I've tried to wean myself many times in various ways - taking a pill every other day, taking only half a day daily, stopping cold turkey - and it's friggen hard!
Six months or so after I originally started taking them I would receive little notes in the bag from the pharmacy. The notes were warnings that taking the medication could cause suicidal thoughts. Every time I refilled my prescription the note was there. I always read the list of symptoms but they never really applied to me. I'm not having suicidal thoughts but I will admit that Lexapro has caused some really, really dark thinking. And, it causes some of the most violent dreams I've ever had. My dreams are Oscar-worthy in the horror movie category. I hate sleeping because of the dreams. They are every night and the images stay with me daily.
So, I'm trying to get off these things. A couple weeks ago when we went to the beach I made it three days without them. I knew I would start feeling fluish but thought the beach would be a good spot to feel miserable. Especially since I didn't have to work and I could nap alot. Not taking the pills makes my body, and especially my head, feel like it's tin. I feel robotish and like I read in the wiki page, several times a day I felt my brain 'reboot'. It's uncomfortable and terrifying.
I'm perfectly fine to take care of myself, my child and my husband. No one has to worry about me going postal or harming anyone. It's like having the flu and a severe sinus infection while going about your day underwater. If I had it to do over again, I don't think I would have started anti-depressants. Honestly, I think I would have been better off taking a sedative when I was feeling anxious.
Please God, help me get off these things so I can get to the stage where I know how sane I really am. Allow me to breathe easy without meds and enjoy my thoughts and emotions because they will be truly my own.
If you google Lexapro withdrawal you'll read hellish stories about how hard it is to get off these things. I've tried to wean myself many times in various ways - taking a pill every other day, taking only half a day daily, stopping cold turkey - and it's friggen hard!
Six months or so after I originally started taking them I would receive little notes in the bag from the pharmacy. The notes were warnings that taking the medication could cause suicidal thoughts. Every time I refilled my prescription the note was there. I always read the list of symptoms but they never really applied to me. I'm not having suicidal thoughts but I will admit that Lexapro has caused some really, really dark thinking. And, it causes some of the most violent dreams I've ever had. My dreams are Oscar-worthy in the horror movie category. I hate sleeping because of the dreams. They are every night and the images stay with me daily.
So, I'm trying to get off these things. A couple weeks ago when we went to the beach I made it three days without them. I knew I would start feeling fluish but thought the beach would be a good spot to feel miserable. Especially since I didn't have to work and I could nap alot. Not taking the pills makes my body, and especially my head, feel like it's tin. I feel robotish and like I read in the wiki page, several times a day I felt my brain 'reboot'. It's uncomfortable and terrifying.
I'm perfectly fine to take care of myself, my child and my husband. No one has to worry about me going postal or harming anyone. It's like having the flu and a severe sinus infection while going about your day underwater. If I had it to do over again, I don't think I would have started anti-depressants. Honestly, I think I would have been better off taking a sedative when I was feeling anxious.
Please God, help me get off these things so I can get to the stage where I know how sane I really am. Allow me to breathe easy without meds and enjoy my thoughts and emotions because they will be truly my own.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Something Cute and Funny
We had a wonderful time at the beach last weekend. Cha continues to be a water bird. She has no fear at all of the pool or the ocean. She did a fabulous job of holding her breath and going under. She started talking to a mom at the pool (someone we didn't know) telling the woman that she could swim. The mom had a five year old girl and she asked her daughter to show Cha how to hold her breath and go under. Watching another child do it made Cha want to master it, so she kept practicing it over and over. I don't think Matt or I would have been as successful teaching her what to do.
We took a boat trip around Assateague Island and saw the wild horses. We also did a little hermit crab hunting. It was adorable watching Cha jump in the bay with her little net. Everyone but us seemed to find something but Cha didn't mind. She had fun looking at everyone else's nets.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
ugh
I'm suffering from an icky cold and nasty poison ivy.
The poison ivy showed up about a week ago. At first I thought it was a mosquito bite and started scratching in my sleep. One day at my desk I noticed that the mosquito bite was bleeding and spreading and before I knew it the rash was all over my leg. Then it jumped to my other leg and now it's on my arms. This is misery.
I've been covering myself with Benedryl anti-itch gel, which does help with the itching but it's still gross. At night I've been taking Benedryl pills to both help with the itch and make me sleep. Sleeping isn't easy with the cold altho I did manage to sleep from 9 to 1 yesterday. Shocking.
The poison ivy showed up about a week ago. At first I thought it was a mosquito bite and started scratching in my sleep. One day at my desk I noticed that the mosquito bite was bleeding and spreading and before I knew it the rash was all over my leg. Then it jumped to my other leg and now it's on my arms. This is misery.
I've been covering myself with Benedryl anti-itch gel, which does help with the itching but it's still gross. At night I've been taking Benedryl pills to both help with the itch and make me sleep. Sleeping isn't easy with the cold altho I did manage to sleep from 9 to 1 yesterday. Shocking.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Thankful Thursday!
Woo Hoo! It's been a while but I've really got a lot to be thankful for.
1. Dr. Coonhead gave me a copy of The Year of Living Biblically for my birthday. I finished it last week and immediately wanted to start reading it again. It's a great resource and gave me so much to think about. I need to search other people who read it so we can discuss. Thank you Coonhead!
2. I'm thankful that Dr. S finally got his office set up so I can meet him for my follow up appt. I'm scheduled for the end of the month. I called his old office and requested my files which should be ready next week. When one of his other patients picked up her files all she got was a very thin surgical report. When I requested mine I asked for the whole kit and caboodle, including the pictures. I want to make sure he gets the pictures so there's a clear before and after shot.
3. I am incredibly thankful for the weather. The rain is finally gone and we've had clear skies and perfect temps. I worked at home yesterday and opened all the windows and doors. It felt wonderful.
4. I am thankful for Cousin Jessie who friended me on fb. He's in the WI National Guard and was recently deployed. I'm sure he'll be included in my regular thanks to God.
5. I am thankful for my girlfriends who will be joining me at zumba tonight. Misery loves company, and all. I'm pumping myself up for some fun excercise but those YouTube videos are scary. We'll see what tomorrow morning brings.
6. My vegetable garden hasn't died yet. I planted cukes, peppers, watermelon, and tomatoes about three weeks ago. They haven't produced anything yet but they're still growing which is a good sign. Matt is also working on the grass. Our backyard was a jungle when we moved in and it's great to see it looking so nice.
7. I am thankful that Matt and I are both employed. Several of my friends and/or their spouses were recently laid off and it's so scary to think about what could happen. The economy is in the pits! Knock wood if you've got a job people.
8. I'm thankful that my little girl is growing up to be such a funny kid. On the way to school this morning we were jamming to MJ's Thriller. She was in the back seat throwing her arms around and pretending to sing in the mirror. She said Michael Jackson is her favorite. I love our time together.
9. I am super thankful for the family in Schwenksville who made space for two awesome kitties. Cha has asked about them several times and says she misses them and wants them to come home from the 'dog store' but it really is for the best. : (
10. Thanks to all the other Cancer Sisters for sharing their stories and providing support to those who need it.
1. Dr. Coonhead gave me a copy of The Year of Living Biblically for my birthday. I finished it last week and immediately wanted to start reading it again. It's a great resource and gave me so much to think about. I need to search other people who read it so we can discuss. Thank you Coonhead!
2. I'm thankful that Dr. S finally got his office set up so I can meet him for my follow up appt. I'm scheduled for the end of the month. I called his old office and requested my files which should be ready next week. When one of his other patients picked up her files all she got was a very thin surgical report. When I requested mine I asked for the whole kit and caboodle, including the pictures. I want to make sure he gets the pictures so there's a clear before and after shot.
3. I am incredibly thankful for the weather. The rain is finally gone and we've had clear skies and perfect temps. I worked at home yesterday and opened all the windows and doors. It felt wonderful.
4. I am thankful for Cousin Jessie who friended me on fb. He's in the WI National Guard and was recently deployed. I'm sure he'll be included in my regular thanks to God.
5. I am thankful for my girlfriends who will be joining me at zumba tonight. Misery loves company, and all. I'm pumping myself up for some fun excercise but those YouTube videos are scary. We'll see what tomorrow morning brings.
6. My vegetable garden hasn't died yet. I planted cukes, peppers, watermelon, and tomatoes about three weeks ago. They haven't produced anything yet but they're still growing which is a good sign. Matt is also working on the grass. Our backyard was a jungle when we moved in and it's great to see it looking so nice.
7. I am thankful that Matt and I are both employed. Several of my friends and/or their spouses were recently laid off and it's so scary to think about what could happen. The economy is in the pits! Knock wood if you've got a job people.
8. I'm thankful that my little girl is growing up to be such a funny kid. On the way to school this morning we were jamming to MJ's Thriller. She was in the back seat throwing her arms around and pretending to sing in the mirror. She said Michael Jackson is her favorite. I love our time together.
9. I am super thankful for the family in Schwenksville who made space for two awesome kitties. Cha has asked about them several times and says she misses them and wants them to come home from the 'dog store' but it really is for the best. : (
10. Thanks to all the other Cancer Sisters for sharing their stories and providing support to those who need it.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Confession: Drugs, I get it
So Michael Jackson died last week, as the whole world knows. The rumor is that it was a drug overdose which is not shocking but still tragic. It sounds like his drug of choice, and the one that killed him, was Propofol which is puts you under as in anesthesia. Sources claim that MJ had severe insomnia and the only way he could get rest was by going under. Scary stuff.
While I'm sure most people think this is insane, I kinda get it. I've had nearly a dozen surgeries over the past five years and altho none of them were fun, there were some peaceful aspects to them. Going under is a trip. It's a magic carpet ride and except for my recent surgery, I woke up every time feeling mentally refreshed.
I am far from a drug addict. I've still got a few Vicodin from a year ago. The first time I was given Percocet when Cha was born I had a terrible reaction so I'm a bit hesitant about drugs. Add on to that the fact that Heath Ledger overdosed on the same drugs I was taking after my mastectomy while I was still in the hospital and you can see my fear.
But....I can see the appeal of being knocked out at night and waking up refreshed every morning. Thankfully I'm a smart cookie and don't have the foolish resources to buy crooked doctors who would put me in danger for a chunk of change.
I have fond memories of drifting off in a bright white room surrounded by people dressed in paper so I get it.
While I'm sure most people think this is insane, I kinda get it. I've had nearly a dozen surgeries over the past five years and altho none of them were fun, there were some peaceful aspects to them. Going under is a trip. It's a magic carpet ride and except for my recent surgery, I woke up every time feeling mentally refreshed.
I am far from a drug addict. I've still got a few Vicodin from a year ago. The first time I was given Percocet when Cha was born I had a terrible reaction so I'm a bit hesitant about drugs. Add on to that the fact that Heath Ledger overdosed on the same drugs I was taking after my mastectomy while I was still in the hospital and you can see my fear.
But....I can see the appeal of being knocked out at night and waking up refreshed every morning. Thankfully I'm a smart cookie and don't have the foolish resources to buy crooked doctors who would put me in danger for a chunk of change.
I have fond memories of drifting off in a bright white room surrounded by people dressed in paper so I get it.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Catchup and the 20 foot Christmas tree
Back when my family lived in Santa Barbara we were far from the wealthiest house on the block. SB was filled with the über-rich and famous and I was lucky enough to make friends with a handful of them.
One day I had an after school choir practice at a classmate's house. She lived up the hills in one of the better parts of town. I remember we were rehearsing for the Christmas concert (back when we could actually call it a Christmas concert as opposed to a 'holiday' concert) and she had the tallest Christmas tree I had ever seen. The house had a two story living room and the tree went well past the top of the stairs. It was awesome.
When I got home that night I told my dad about it and he just kinda laughed. There was no way a tree that size would ever fit in our house (or in any of our houses since). I just had to enjoy that luxury of others and believe me I did.
I thought about that Christmas tree yesterday when we were over at a friend's house for a BBQ. J has one of the 20 foot tree type houses and I'm always in awe of how beautiful it is. This weekend however we snuck over to her neighbor's yard for a quick swim. Her neighbors were out of town and did give her permission to use the pool, but I felt a bit like an escaped convict sneaking thru her back yard, which is a mini forest, and dipping into the water.
The neighbor's house is very nice (tho I prefer J's) but the pool and the view are to die for! It's got a gorgeous view of Chester County without all the shopping malls, business parks and traffic jams. And since we had perfect weather yesterday you could see for miles. It was breathtaking. The pool was equally as impressive. I paused several times to remind myself to savor the moment. Cha had a fabulous day but I'm certain she didn't realize what a treat it was.
Last night we went to the Limerick fireworks with friends. We were with four families and the kids did very well together. Cha was a bit afraid of the loud booms but she watched and didn't cry. Matt, Cha and I snuggled together and watched the beautiful colors. It was the perfect way to end a perfect day.
Last weekend we went to Ocean City, Maryland with a couple of friends. It was two of my girlfriends and I with our three kids. With all the rain we've had recently I thought for sure the weekend would be a bust but we didn't see a single drop. Cha loved, loved, loved the ocean and insisted on jumping in all the waves. It scared me a bit thinking about how fearless she is. She kept asking to go deeper and deeper and I was afraid that she might feel comfortable running in there without me. I debated with myself whether it was better to keep her in the shallow water or allow her to experience the big waves. I am usually a cautious mom, especially when Matt's not around to lend a hand, but I decided that I wasn't doing her any favors by keeping her in a cage. The two of us had so much fun jumping the waves together and laughed as they knocked us to the ground. We sat on the sand and let the water splash onto our legs and up to our waists and enjoyed every minute. It was one of the year's highlights and totally worth all the time it took trying to get the sand out of our bottoms!
We are going back to Ocean City at the end of the month with another couple. They have a daughter Cha's age and they are very cute together. They were together at the fireworks last night and had fun pretend sleeping. I'm wondering if we can get away with putting the two of them in a room by themselves. That will give the adults some peace and quiet. I can't wait to get back to the beach and play with my little girl.
Three weeks ago we planted vegetables in the back yard. I thought they were doing great until I saw Andrea's garden this weekend. She started with seeds a month ago and her corn is already waist high. I've got garden-envy. I hope my little slice of dirt puts out.
: )
One day I had an after school choir practice at a classmate's house. She lived up the hills in one of the better parts of town. I remember we were rehearsing for the Christmas concert (back when we could actually call it a Christmas concert as opposed to a 'holiday' concert) and she had the tallest Christmas tree I had ever seen. The house had a two story living room and the tree went well past the top of the stairs. It was awesome.
When I got home that night I told my dad about it and he just kinda laughed. There was no way a tree that size would ever fit in our house (or in any of our houses since). I just had to enjoy that luxury of others and believe me I did.
I thought about that Christmas tree yesterday when we were over at a friend's house for a BBQ. J has one of the 20 foot tree type houses and I'm always in awe of how beautiful it is. This weekend however we snuck over to her neighbor's yard for a quick swim. Her neighbors were out of town and did give her permission to use the pool, but I felt a bit like an escaped convict sneaking thru her back yard, which is a mini forest, and dipping into the water.
The neighbor's house is very nice (tho I prefer J's) but the pool and the view are to die for! It's got a gorgeous view of Chester County without all the shopping malls, business parks and traffic jams. And since we had perfect weather yesterday you could see for miles. It was breathtaking. The pool was equally as impressive. I paused several times to remind myself to savor the moment. Cha had a fabulous day but I'm certain she didn't realize what a treat it was.
Last night we went to the Limerick fireworks with friends. We were with four families and the kids did very well together. Cha was a bit afraid of the loud booms but she watched and didn't cry. Matt, Cha and I snuggled together and watched the beautiful colors. It was the perfect way to end a perfect day.
Last weekend we went to Ocean City, Maryland with a couple of friends. It was two of my girlfriends and I with our three kids. With all the rain we've had recently I thought for sure the weekend would be a bust but we didn't see a single drop. Cha loved, loved, loved the ocean and insisted on jumping in all the waves. It scared me a bit thinking about how fearless she is. She kept asking to go deeper and deeper and I was afraid that she might feel comfortable running in there without me. I debated with myself whether it was better to keep her in the shallow water or allow her to experience the big waves. I am usually a cautious mom, especially when Matt's not around to lend a hand, but I decided that I wasn't doing her any favors by keeping her in a cage. The two of us had so much fun jumping the waves together and laughed as they knocked us to the ground. We sat on the sand and let the water splash onto our legs and up to our waists and enjoyed every minute. It was one of the year's highlights and totally worth all the time it took trying to get the sand out of our bottoms!
We are going back to Ocean City at the end of the month with another couple. They have a daughter Cha's age and they are very cute together. They were together at the fireworks last night and had fun pretend sleeping. I'm wondering if we can get away with putting the two of them in a room by themselves. That will give the adults some peace and quiet. I can't wait to get back to the beach and play with my little girl.
Three weeks ago we planted vegetables in the back yard. I thought they were doing great until I saw Andrea's garden this weekend. She started with seeds a month ago and her corn is already waist high. I've got garden-envy. I hope my little slice of dirt puts out.
: )
Thursday, June 25, 2009
June 25, 2009 - what a day
I was so sad this morning when I heard of Farrah Fawcett's passing. She had been sick for a long while so it wasn't a shock. I was relieved for her actually. What a long and painful death. She was the coolest chick ever when I was a kid. I loved Charlie's Angels and my brothers had the infamous poster hanging in their room. One of my friends had the Farrah head, which was like the Barbie head where you style hair and practice make up. What an odd thing to remember.
My jaw hit the floor when I heard Michael Jackson died. I was stunned and couldn't speak for a moment. I read it on TMZ and immediately ran downstairs to tell Matt. He asked how he died and I said I had no clue. All I read was the headline and ran to find him. Then I called Kharen in LA to talk to her about it. MJ had great music and I enjoyed him as an artist until he had that giant statue built of himself and then started doing bad things to kids. I'll still enjoy his music when I hear it. It feels that with Farrah and Michael dying a huge part of my childhood is now gone.
Some good news to balance out the day, my niece Andrea got married today. I was unable to attend since it was last minute and I am 1000 miles away but I was there in spirit.
Tomorrow Cha and I are headed to Ocean City, MD with some friends for the weekend. I've got my fingers crossed that we get at least one day of clear skies. It seems like every day for the past month has been cloudy and/or rainy.
My jaw hit the floor when I heard Michael Jackson died. I was stunned and couldn't speak for a moment. I read it on TMZ and immediately ran downstairs to tell Matt. He asked how he died and I said I had no clue. All I read was the headline and ran to find him. Then I called Kharen in LA to talk to her about it. MJ had great music and I enjoyed him as an artist until he had that giant statue built of himself and then started doing bad things to kids. I'll still enjoy his music when I hear it. It feels that with Farrah and Michael dying a huge part of my childhood is now gone.
Some good news to balance out the day, my niece Andrea got married today. I was unable to attend since it was last minute and I am 1000 miles away but I was there in spirit.
Tomorrow Cha and I are headed to Ocean City, MD with some friends for the weekend. I've got my fingers crossed that we get at least one day of clear skies. It seems like every day for the past month has been cloudy and/or rainy.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Update on Dr. S
I had an appt scheduled with Dr. S for June 19th. A few days beforehand I got a message on my answering machine stating that my appt was canceled because Dr. S had been fired from the practice. Had I not known that he was planning on leaving and joining a new practice I would have been very worried.
The office staff called both my home and my cell number and left the 'fired' message. They really wanted to get their message across. I spoke to one of his fellow patients who confirmed that she and several other of his patients had also received the message. My girlfriend had a followup surgery just weeks prior and was scheduled to meet with Dr. S on June 18th. She was having some healing issues and really needed to be seen.
She called the office to ask how to get a hold of her doctor and they told her that she could come in and have one of the other surgeons look at her. She said absolutely not. The other surgeons weren't her doctor and didn't have a two year history with her. Sure they had her case file but that's not the same. She made an appt with her breast surgeon who was able to look at her and give her some a/b.
I called the office and asked about my file. The office staffer was very rude and said she couldn't understand why I was concerned about my file. She said that Dr. S wasn't even seeing anyone until July. I told her I wanted my file so I had it when I scheduled my next appt with him.
It turns out that Dr. S has landed in the same practice at Dr. K. Dr. K was my breast surgeon and is the person who recommended Dr. S. They worked together very well and I'm sure the practice will continue to thrive with their expertise.
I got my answers regarding whether my insurance will cover him and if I'd have to drive a hundred miles. I am very disappointed in the way the old office handled the change. Can you imagine how the patient who is just months out from a mastectomy felt when she learned that her appt was canceled and her surgeon was fired? You have to put so much trust in your doctor and that bad news can really rock your world.
The office staff called both my home and my cell number and left the 'fired' message. They really wanted to get their message across. I spoke to one of his fellow patients who confirmed that she and several other of his patients had also received the message. My girlfriend had a followup surgery just weeks prior and was scheduled to meet with Dr. S on June 18th. She was having some healing issues and really needed to be seen.
She called the office to ask how to get a hold of her doctor and they told her that she could come in and have one of the other surgeons look at her. She said absolutely not. The other surgeons weren't her doctor and didn't have a two year history with her. Sure they had her case file but that's not the same. She made an appt with her breast surgeon who was able to look at her and give her some a/b.
I called the office and asked about my file. The office staffer was very rude and said she couldn't understand why I was concerned about my file. She said that Dr. S wasn't even seeing anyone until July. I told her I wanted my file so I had it when I scheduled my next appt with him.
It turns out that Dr. S has landed in the same practice at Dr. K. Dr. K was my breast surgeon and is the person who recommended Dr. S. They worked together very well and I'm sure the practice will continue to thrive with their expertise.
I got my answers regarding whether my insurance will cover him and if I'd have to drive a hundred miles. I am very disappointed in the way the old office handled the change. Can you imagine how the patient who is just months out from a mastectomy felt when she learned that her appt was canceled and her surgeon was fired? You have to put so much trust in your doctor and that bad news can really rock your world.
My kid cracks me up
My favorite quotes of the day:
While eating lunch with her classmates (as told to me by her teacher).....
'And then a caterpillar jumped into the pool. He wasn't even wearing a swim suit!'
While walking past the bra section in Target on the way to find flip-flops. I'm shocked at the little things she remembers....
'Mommy, they need to put the tubes back in and pull out more blood. Your boobies are getting too big!'
My biggest laugh of the day however came from my own mother. We were reminiscing about great events in Jenkins history.
'I think I just ate my napkin!'
The only quote that trumps the napkin comment is....
'I found a luggage rack.'
It still brings tears to my eyes and I will always remember my parents and I trying to eat breakfast at a diner in Illinois. We were laughing so hard we couldn't eat - and that says a lot!
The deluxe luggage rack - as seen in New York's finest hotels!
While eating lunch with her classmates (as told to me by her teacher).....
'And then a caterpillar jumped into the pool. He wasn't even wearing a swim suit!'
While walking past the bra section in Target on the way to find flip-flops. I'm shocked at the little things she remembers....
'Mommy, they need to put the tubes back in and pull out more blood. Your boobies are getting too big!'
My biggest laugh of the day however came from my own mother. We were reminiscing about great events in Jenkins history.
'I think I just ate my napkin!'
The only quote that trumps the napkin comment is....
'I found a luggage rack.'
It still brings tears to my eyes and I will always remember my parents and I trying to eat breakfast at a diner in Illinois. We were laughing so hard we couldn't eat - and that says a lot!
The deluxe luggage rack - as seen in New York's finest hotels!Saturday, June 20, 2009
my private life
I've moved many of my non-cancer related posts to my private blog. It's warm and cozy and much less restrictive. I need a comfortable environment to let my hair down.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Lucky Me
I have much to be grateful for. Life is very, very good to me. I have more than I ever thought I would and am blessed in so many ways.
This hit me tonight as I got off the phone with my mother. Cha called her Grandma to tell her that she got her ears pierced. I went on to tell my mom about the whole experience and commented that Cha is a very lucky child and I hope she appreciates it. I continued to think about it after I hung up. My daughter is very fortunate to have a life filled with good food, plenty of toys, a comfortable home, a family who adore her and a gaggle of shiny, happy girlfriends. But seriously, I am the fortunate one who has the physical, financial and emotional means to provide this life for my child. And I am the one blessed with the little girl that I always wanted.
So this is how the earrings happened. Yesterday I got a note from my girlfriend Jaime. She asked if I wanted to get together with her and her daughter Kenzie (who you might remember from here). We grabbed a bag of goodies (including multiple bathing suits because you just never know) and headed over to Kenzie's house. On the way Cha and I talked about getting her ears pierced, which she's been talking about for months.
When we got to Jaime's I mentioned that maybe we should go get Cha's ears done. Jaime laughed and said she was thinking of taking the girls to a girl's salon called Sweet and Sassy. Jaime called and found out that the Exton location was celebrating their one year birthday and having all sorts of free goodies, including a free limo ride. We thought it was fate so we packed up the girls and headed over. The salon was offering free hair styling, cotton candy, and water ice along with the limo ride. We topped it off with a maicure and made it the perfect day.
Cha was great during the ear piercing. The salon did a fantastic job of putting her at ease and making it a fun event. She sat in a princess chair and got to pick out her own earrings (pink stars). I sat in front of her and held her hands while two women stood on either side of her and quickly did the piercing. Cha barely winced and there wasn't a single tear. She immediately started smiling and showing off her beautiful ears. Later in the bathroom she told me 'Mommy, that really hurt' but hasn't mentioned the pain again.
The new look is darling and I'm so proud of my little girl. She really is turning into a girlie-girl despite me and my tomboy ways. I thought for certain she'd be a sports freak like I was but she loves dressing up, playing with dolls and pretending to put on make up. Honestly, I'm not sure why I even bothered to buy shorts this summer. She won't wear anything but dresses, especially the kind she can twirl.
This hit me tonight as I got off the phone with my mother. Cha called her Grandma to tell her that she got her ears pierced. I went on to tell my mom about the whole experience and commented that Cha is a very lucky child and I hope she appreciates it. I continued to think about it after I hung up. My daughter is very fortunate to have a life filled with good food, plenty of toys, a comfortable home, a family who adore her and a gaggle of shiny, happy girlfriends. But seriously, I am the fortunate one who has the physical, financial and emotional means to provide this life for my child. And I am the one blessed with the little girl that I always wanted.
So this is how the earrings happened. Yesterday I got a note from my girlfriend Jaime. She asked if I wanted to get together with her and her daughter Kenzie (who you might remember from here). We grabbed a bag of goodies (including multiple bathing suits because you just never know) and headed over to Kenzie's house. On the way Cha and I talked about getting her ears pierced, which she's been talking about for months.
When we got to Jaime's I mentioned that maybe we should go get Cha's ears done. Jaime laughed and said she was thinking of taking the girls to a girl's salon called Sweet and Sassy. Jaime called and found out that the Exton location was celebrating their one year birthday and having all sorts of free goodies, including a free limo ride. We thought it was fate so we packed up the girls and headed over. The salon was offering free hair styling, cotton candy, and water ice along with the limo ride. We topped it off with a maicure and made it the perfect day.
Cha was great during the ear piercing. The salon did a fantastic job of putting her at ease and making it a fun event. She sat in a princess chair and got to pick out her own earrings (pink stars). I sat in front of her and held her hands while two women stood on either side of her and quickly did the piercing. Cha barely winced and there wasn't a single tear. She immediately started smiling and showing off her beautiful ears. Later in the bathroom she told me 'Mommy, that really hurt' but hasn't mentioned the pain again.
The new look is darling and I'm so proud of my little girl. She really is turning into a girlie-girl despite me and my tomboy ways. I thought for certain she'd be a sports freak like I was but she loves dressing up, playing with dolls and pretending to put on make up. Honestly, I'm not sure why I even bothered to buy shorts this summer. She won't wear anything but dresses, especially the kind she can twirl.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Feeling uneasy
I just learned that Dr. S is going out on his own. He's leaving the practice and will only be seeing patients til the end of this month before he moves. I've got an appt with him on the 19th and I'm not quite sure if this is the last visit or if there will be more. I feel uneasy about the change. I mean, what if he's no longer covered by my insurance? What if his new office is too far away? What if he doesn't want me as a patient and he or the insurance company tell me I have to use one of the surgeons in the old practice??
I am pretty sure I am done with the reconstruction. There are a few areas of scar tissue that are still painful but not as bad as they were six months ago. The pain could lesson with time and I really don't think it's worth enduring more surgery. Maybe knowing that the 19th could be the very last meeting with Dr. S is what's making me uneasy. There is comfort in knowing that you're under someone's care. Granted, I still have my primary doctor and she takes very good care of me, but Dr. S has been the main guy for the last year and a half.
I am pretty sure I am done with the reconstruction. There are a few areas of scar tissue that are still painful but not as bad as they were six months ago. The pain could lesson with time and I really don't think it's worth enduring more surgery. Maybe knowing that the 19th could be the very last meeting with Dr. S is what's making me uneasy. There is comfort in knowing that you're under someone's care. Granted, I still have my primary doctor and she takes very good care of me, but Dr. S has been the main guy for the last year and a half.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Cancer babble
I was watching the news last week and there was a story about breast cancer and early detection. I noticed that it didn't stop me in my tracks like those stories usually do. Before I was diagnosed anytime I saw a story about breast cancer I was in such denial that I'd turn them off. I knew about early detection and what needed to be done but I hated thinking about it all the time. B.C. (Before Cancer) I used to get super anxious thinking about mammograms. I cried before every test knowing that it would be bad news. I got my first mammogram at 35 and then got them every year following until Sept of 06 when the film showed 'something suspicious' and I was told to come back every six months. I was so panicked and just knew that the next one would be bad news that I made myself ill. I was due for my six month checkup in March 07 but the day of my scheduled appt we got hit with a terrible snow storm and they canceled on me. I was supposed to call back and reschedule but dug my head in the sand and couldn't deal.
In November 07 somehow I just knew that I had to call. One day I was so overcome with anxiety that I decided that I had to do it or I wouldn't be able to function anymore. I had a sinus infection and stayed home from work. I got up my courage to call and as soon as I got on the phone with the breast center I broke down. I blubbered and told the woman about how I was in denial and how I was overdue and was certain it was bad news. The woman was wonderful and scheduled me to come in the day after Thanksgiving. I was so thankful that they were open but was dreading what I knew would be bad news. It's odd how you know those things, you know?
The diagnosis came, just as I feared and when I started seeing those breast cancer awareness news stories I looked at them much differently. I didn't so much watch them as examine them. Was the information correct or slanted? Did the reporter even know what he/she was talking about?
So here it is a year and a half out and when those stories come on I just watch them and hope that they are getting through to the people who need to hear them. And I hope those people, both men and women, find the courage to do what needs to be done. I am one who feared the worst and was a bit of a baby about it, but overall it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought.
In November 07 somehow I just knew that I had to call. One day I was so overcome with anxiety that I decided that I had to do it or I wouldn't be able to function anymore. I had a sinus infection and stayed home from work. I got up my courage to call and as soon as I got on the phone with the breast center I broke down. I blubbered and told the woman about how I was in denial and how I was overdue and was certain it was bad news. The woman was wonderful and scheduled me to come in the day after Thanksgiving. I was so thankful that they were open but was dreading what I knew would be bad news. It's odd how you know those things, you know?
The diagnosis came, just as I feared and when I started seeing those breast cancer awareness news stories I looked at them much differently. I didn't so much watch them as examine them. Was the information correct or slanted? Did the reporter even know what he/she was talking about?
So here it is a year and a half out and when those stories come on I just watch them and hope that they are getting through to the people who need to hear them. And I hope those people, both men and women, find the courage to do what needs to be done. I am one who feared the worst and was a bit of a baby about it, but overall it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought.
Monday, June 1, 2009
September Moms
These are all out of order but I guess it doesn't matter. It was an amazing weekend and worth every last mile and every last tantrum.
Our attempt at getting all the kids to line up together.
I have no clue how the teachers at school do it.
BBQ at Dr. Coonhead's house.
Our attempt at getting all the kids to line up together.
I have no clue how the teachers at school do it.
A very tired group of zoo go-ers
Cha, Willa and Rachel with the elephants
Cha had a giant crush on Lloyd (in the red). Wherever he was, she was there. At one point he asked her why she was always following him and she said: 'Because I like you.'
She's an honest girl
She's an honest girl
The Scorpion at the Zoo. Ick!
Dancing in the bar at the restaurant. These pics were taken by Cha
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Road Trip!
Cha and I are headed out on our first solo road trip tomorrow. We're waking up bright and early and heading West.
The September Moms are getting together for a giant birthday celebration in Cincinnati. Eight moms will be meeting up at the Cincinnati Zoo followed by a fabulous cookout with BFF Dr. Coonhead. I can't tell you all how excited I am to spend time with these ladies.
Four of the moms were born the last ten days of May, ten kids who were born in September 05 and six September babe siblings. That's going to be a big crew!
I'll post pictures after the big event. There are sure to be plenty of laughter and tears.
The September Moms are getting together for a giant birthday celebration in Cincinnati. Eight moms will be meeting up at the Cincinnati Zoo followed by a fabulous cookout with BFF Dr. Coonhead. I can't tell you all how excited I am to spend time with these ladies.
Four of the moms were born the last ten days of May, ten kids who were born in September 05 and six September babe siblings. That's going to be a big crew!
I'll post pictures after the big event. There are sure to be plenty of laughter and tears.
Can you handle the truth?
: 0
You want to know how crazy my mind is lately?
Make sure you can handle it.
This is how I've been walking around all day at work.
It took me SIX hours to notice.
Crazy or old - you decide!
Seriously! How could I not know that I was wearing TWO different shoes all day?? And I'm wearing shorts so it should have been even more obvious, right?
I am losing it! I hope that I didn't dress Cha in a ballerina outfit with ski pants today.
You want to know how crazy my mind is lately?
Make sure you can handle it.
This is how I've been walking around all day at work.
It took me SIX hours to notice.
Crazy or old - you decide!
Seriously! How could I not know that I was wearing TWO different shoes all day?? And I'm wearing shorts so it should have been even more obvious, right?
I am losing it! I hope that I didn't dress Cha in a ballerina outfit with ski pants today.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Socially appropriate
I saw the following article on Yahoo today and found it very timely. Last week in therapy I told my shrink about an incident at the park with Cha. One of her friends found a caterpillar and all the kids sat around and stared at it. Cha found it so fascinating that she reached down and grabbed it and took off running. All the other kids were screaming for her to come back but she shrieked and smiled. Then she squished the poor thing in her hand and threw it over the slide. My therapist mentioned that that was the perfect opportunity to teach her about what is socially appropriate and what is not. Killing an insect in front of a group of friends has to be socially inappropriate, right?
Therapy has been good lately. I've been examining many of my different relationships with people. There are many in my life who are not good for me or who require much more energy than they are worth. Some friends make me feel bad about myself or cause me to kick and scream. I spent a half hour one day talking about a woman who really, really, really irks me. Ugh, I can go on and on about her and how she drives me insane. Why is this woman in my life? Well, because she's a friend. Huh? Why the heck is she a friend if she makes me feel so awful?! Hmmm. That's a good question. Time to trim the fat.
So, here's an article on toxic personalities. Interesting read....
Here are the worst of the toxic personalities out there and how to spot them:
1. Manipulative Mary: These individuals are experts at manipulation tactics. Is a matter of fact, you may not even realize you have been manipulated until it is too late. These individuals figure out what your 'buttons' are, and push them to get what they want.
- Why they are toxic: These people have a way of eating away at your belief system and self-esteem. They find ways to make you do things that you don't necessarily want to do and before you know it, you lose your sense of identity, your personal priorities and your ability to see the reality of the situation. The world all of a sudden becomes centered around their needs and their priorities.
2. Narcissistic Nancy: These people have an extreme sense of self-importance and believe that the world revolves around them. They are often not as sly as the Manipulative Marys of the world, but instead, tend to be a bit overt about getting their needs met. You often want to say to them "It isn't always about you."
- Why they are toxic: They are solely focused on their needs, leaving your needs in the dust. You are left disappointed and unfulfilled. Further, they zap your energy by getting you to focus so much on them, that you have nothing left for yourself.
3. Debbie Downers: These people can't appreciate the positive in life. If you tell them that it is a beautiful day, they will tell you about the impending dreary forecast. If you tell them you aced a mid-term, they'll tell you about how difficult the final is going to be.
- Why they are toxic: They take the joy out of everything. Your rosy outlook on life continues to get squashed with negativity. Before you know it, their negativity consumes you and you start looking at things with gray colored glasses yourself.
4. Judgmental Jims: When you see things as cute and quirky, they see things as strange and unattractive. If you find people's unique perspectives refreshing, they find them 'wrong'. If you like someone's eclectic taste, they find it 'disturbing' or 'bad'.
- Why they are toxic: Judgmental people are much like Debbie Downers. In a world where freedom rings, judgment is sooo over. If the world was a homogeneous place, life would be pretty boring. Spending a lot of time with these types can inadvertently convert you into a judgmental person as well.
5. Dream Killing Keiths: Every time you have an idea, these people tell you why you can't do it. As you achieve, they try to pull you down. As you dream, they are the first to tell you it is impossible.
- Why they are toxic: These people are stuck in what is instead of what could be. Further, these individuals eat away at your self-esteem and your belief in yourself. Progress and change can only occur from doing new things and innovating, dreaming the impossible and reaching for the stars.
6. Insincere Illissas: You never quite feel that these people are being sincere. You tell a funny story, they give you a polite laugh. You feel depressed and sad and they give you a 'there, there' type response. You tell them you are excited about something and you get a very ho-hum response.
- Why they are toxic: People who aren't sincere or genuine build relationships on superficial criteria. This breeds shallow, meaningless relationships. When you are really in need of a friend, they won't be there. When you really need constructive criticism, they would rather tell you that you are great the way you are. When you need support, they would rather see you fail or make a fool of yourself.
7. Disrespectful Dannys: These people will say or do things at the most inappropriate times and in the most inappropriate ways. In essence, they are more subtle, grown up bullies. Maybe this person is a friend who you confided in and uses your secret against you. Maybe it is a family member who puts their busy-body nose into your affairs when it is none of their business. Or maybe, it is a colleague who says demeaning things to you.
- Why they are toxic: These people have no sense of boundaries and don't respect your feelings or, for that matter, your privacy. These people will cause you to feel frustrated and disrespected.
8. Never Enough Nellies: You can never give enough to these people to make them happy. They take you for granted and have unrealistic expectations of you. They find ways to continually fault you and never take responsibility for anything themselves.
- Why they are toxic: You will spend so much time trying to please them, that you will end up losing yourself in the process. They will require all of your time and energy, leaving you worn out and your own needs sacrificed.
All of these personalities have several things in common. 1) the more these people get away with their behavior, the more they will continue. 2) Unfortunately, most of these people don't see that what they do is wrong and as a result, talking to them about it will fall on deaf ears, leaving you wondering if you are the crazy one. 3) Most of these people get worse with age, making their impact on you stronger with time.
Frankly, life is too short to spend your time dealing with toxicity. If you can, avoid spending mucho time with people who are indicative of these behaviors and you'll feel a lot happier.
May 24
This was my birthday weekend and I had a wonderful time. It started Friday night with drinks and Quizzo with girlfriends at Fitzwater Station. We stayed out much longer than I thought we would but we had to stay to the end of Quizzo to see how we fared. I wish I could say we won, but oh well.
Saturday Cha and I got to ride on a firetruck, complete with sirens blaring. It was a program at Limerick Fire Company. They did a fabulous demonstration for the kids (Don't Fear the Fire Gear!) and allowed all the kids to buckle up in the trucks and took them for a short ride.
Saturday afternoon we met up with Cha's BFF Kenzie for some playtime in the park. They ran and climbed and chased each other time they practically fell over.
Sunday we had a breakfast playdate with friends. It was a beautiful morning and very relaxing.
Sunday night Matt grilled some fish and then we had the cake that he and Cha baked for me. It was yummy and the perfect ending to a great birthday.
For my birthday I upgraded my old phone to the Blackberry Pearl that I've been drooling over. I've been thinking about it for over a year but wanted to wait til Verizon offered me a free upgrade. I picked it up last week and was actually afraid to turn on the service. The phone is so intimidating! I'm still trying to figure it out but I love it!
Yesterday was a house day. We hung around at home, played in the sprinklers out back and did some cleaning. It was a bonus day to a great weekend.
Saturday Cha and I got to ride on a firetruck, complete with sirens blaring. It was a program at Limerick Fire Company. They did a fabulous demonstration for the kids (Don't Fear the Fire Gear!) and allowed all the kids to buckle up in the trucks and took them for a short ride.
Saturday afternoon we met up with Cha's BFF Kenzie for some playtime in the park. They ran and climbed and chased each other time they practically fell over.
Sunday we had a breakfast playdate with friends. It was a beautiful morning and very relaxing.
(this is the dog i am dreaming of)
Sunday night Matt grilled some fish and then we had the cake that he and Cha baked for me. It was yummy and the perfect ending to a great birthday.
For my birthday I upgraded my old phone to the Blackberry Pearl that I've been drooling over. I've been thinking about it for over a year but wanted to wait til Verizon offered me a free upgrade. I picked it up last week and was actually afraid to turn on the service. The phone is so intimidating! I'm still trying to figure it out but I love it!
Yesterday was a house day. We hung around at home, played in the sprinklers out back and did some cleaning. It was a bonus day to a great weekend. Tuesday, May 19, 2009
I got her this time
Today is election day. Well, the primaries at least, but that's still voting. Since Matt is a (D) and I am an (R) little miss Cha is going to have a fun time when she's old enough to vote.
Our polling place is right across the street so we usually walk over together. When we're out in public Cha tends to stick by Matt. His shoulders are a much better ride and there's something special about little girls with their daddies. So when we vote she usually follows Matt in the booth and I have a stinking suspicion that he's filling her head with all sorts of liberal nonsense.
Tonight's plan was to vote on the way home from picking Cha up from school. The three of us were in the car but Matt decided he didn't feel like voting so he dropped us off. We walked up to the front door past all the volunteers shoving paper in our faces and Cha said 'No thank you' right along with me. Such a pro. We stepped up to the A-L table and I told Cha to give the woman my name. She said it loud as day and then I signed the book (I was #218, not a great turn out). I opened the curtain and she and I both stepped inside. I told her what buttons to push and she voted for me. I was so proud of her. It will be interesting to see who she takes after when she's old enough to decide for herself.
On the three minute walk home she picked up a half dozen rocks 'for her collection'. This kid has a thing with rocks. She loves carrying them, hiding them in her pockets, putting them in the kitty dishes, and bringing them to bed at night. She's a bit odd.
Our polling place is right across the street so we usually walk over together. When we're out in public Cha tends to stick by Matt. His shoulders are a much better ride and there's something special about little girls with their daddies. So when we vote she usually follows Matt in the booth and I have a stinking suspicion that he's filling her head with all sorts of liberal nonsense.
Tonight's plan was to vote on the way home from picking Cha up from school. The three of us were in the car but Matt decided he didn't feel like voting so he dropped us off. We walked up to the front door past all the volunteers shoving paper in our faces and Cha said 'No thank you' right along with me. Such a pro. We stepped up to the A-L table and I told Cha to give the woman my name. She said it loud as day and then I signed the book (I was #218, not a great turn out). I opened the curtain and she and I both stepped inside. I told her what buttons to push and she voted for me. I was so proud of her. It will be interesting to see who she takes after when she's old enough to decide for herself.
On the three minute walk home she picked up a half dozen rocks 'for her collection'. This kid has a thing with rocks. She loves carrying them, hiding them in her pockets, putting them in the kitty dishes, and bringing them to bed at night. She's a bit odd.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Feeling icky this week
I think it's a stomach bug and a sinus infection caused by allergies. I was taking Zyrtec every day for allergies but stopped taking them last week when the pollen was behaving. I guess I should just take them every day.
I stayed home from work today. My body ached, I was exhausted, my tummy was a mess and when I went out to pick up Cha from school the weather felt like it was compacting my head. The pressure was immediate and the sun didn't help.
Cha would go to bed Sunday night. She wouldn't nap during the day and zonked out on the couch around 7. I tried to dress her and sneak her up to her room around 8 but she was having none of it. She became a demon child and wouldn't go to bed for anything. I tried to lay with her, Matt tried to lay with her, she climbed into bed with us but nothing worked. I was feeling crappy and finally left her crying in her room around 11. I was so wound up and tossed and turned until 230. That was the last time I looked at the clock so I'm guessing that's when I finally fell asleep.
Tonight was easier. Matt put her down but not without screaming protests from her. She eventually stayed in her room and was asleep around 9. I wish I had a better sleeper.
I stayed home from work today. My body ached, I was exhausted, my tummy was a mess and when I went out to pick up Cha from school the weather felt like it was compacting my head. The pressure was immediate and the sun didn't help.
Cha would go to bed Sunday night. She wouldn't nap during the day and zonked out on the couch around 7. I tried to dress her and sneak her up to her room around 8 but she was having none of it. She became a demon child and wouldn't go to bed for anything. I tried to lay with her, Matt tried to lay with her, she climbed into bed with us but nothing worked. I was feeling crappy and finally left her crying in her room around 11. I was so wound up and tossed and turned until 230. That was the last time I looked at the clock so I'm guessing that's when I finally fell asleep.
Tonight was easier. Matt put her down but not without screaming protests from her. She eventually stayed in her room and was asleep around 9. I wish I had a better sleeper.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Ginger for Nausea
My SIL's second chemo session is scheduled for next week. Her first treatment went well but she said the nausea was the worst. Maybe I'll suggest she try ginger....
Ginger cuts nausea in chemo patients
May 15, 2009
Ginger cuts nausea in chemo patients
May 15, 2009
New research shows that ginger appears to reduce nausea and vomiting associated with chemotherapy treatment for cancer.
As many as 70 percent of cancer patients who receive chemotherapy experience nausea as a result of their treatment, even though many take anti-nausea drugs.
A study of 644 patients with a history of chemotherapy-related nausea found that those who took capsules of ginger twice daily before starting a round of chemo were less likely to feel queasy on the first day of treatment than those who took a placebo. All participants in the study were also given standard anti-nausea medication on the first day of chemotherapy.
Taking the equivalent of a quarter to a half teaspoon of ginger daily was particularly effective at controlling nausea, researchers found.
It's not clear, though, why ginger might have this effect. One theory is that it acts as an anti-inflammatory agent in the gut, said the study's lead author, Julie Ryan, who presented her findings Thursday at a news conference by the American Society of Clinical Oncology.
Though ginger supplements were used in the study, eating or drinking foods with ginger in them might work, too, as long as it's the right dose and the ginger isn't artificial, said Ryan, with the University of Rochester Medical Center.
Previous studies suggest that ginger also reduces the severity of nausea and vomiting during pregnancy.
In other research presented Thursday:
• People with oral cancers containing the human papillomavirus (HPV) fared better than those with tumors not associated with the virus. Patients with HPV-positive tumors responded better to treatment, were less likely to develop a second cancer and had less than half the risk of dying after five years, compared to patients with HPV-negative cancer, according to a study led by Dr. Maura Gillison, with the Ohio State University Comprehensive Cancer Center-James Cancer Hospital and Solove Research Institute. Heavy smokers, especially those who drink alcohol, are at the highest risk for oral cancer. But more than a quarter of people who develop this cancer have no known risk factors, and the number of cases among people under 40 has grown dramatically. The HPV virus appears to be the culprit in some of those cases.
• An experimental drug shows promise in preventing potentially deadly recurrences of neuroblastoma, a rare cancer of the head and neck that affects young children. The drug uses antibodies to stimulate the immune system to attack cancer cells. In a study of 226 children, 66 percent remained cancer-free two years after getting the new drug along with standard therapy, compared to 46 percent of kids who received standard therapy alone. Side effects of the drug include pain, allergic reactions and blood vessel leakage. As of now, the drug is only available through clinical trials.Sunday, May 10, 2009
Race for the Cure
Happy Mother's Day everyone!
Team Route 422
The Survivor Parade - Parade of Pink!(yes, I chopped all my hair off)
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Feeling restless and itchy
I cannot concentrate. My mind is in a funk and I can't snap myself out of it. I feel like there are a million things I need to be doing and I am frantically running around trying to get them done, but since I'm not thinking well I keep forgetting what the heck I'm doing.
Tomorrow night I was planning on attending the Paoli breast cancer support group. The woman I met regarding my genetic testing in speaking and I would really like to hear her. But with learning about Jen's death yesterday I think I've had my fill of cancer related thoughts for the week. I spent countless hours last night re-reading her blog and researching her procedures. It was unnecessary but I couldn't stop myself. I need a day to step back and take a cancer break.
Well, kinda. Tomorrow night Kelly is having a fund raiser for our Race for the Cure team. She's selling Tastefully Simple and 20% of all sales will go to finding a cure. It will be a bunch of women, good food and wine and lots of laughter. Maybe that will kick me into happy days.
Besides the blahs I'm also itching like hell. My allergies are killing me and I have a sinus infection that is making my head feel like a balloon filled with oatmeal that is fixing to explode. The pressure and the drainage are painful. On top of that Pennsylvania weather is bonkers. A low pressure system with lots of rain and crappy allergens and bringing on a migraine.
Yea, I'm a coughing, sneezing, wheezing, sniffling grumpy mess.
Happy Wednesday to you.
Tomorrow night I was planning on attending the Paoli breast cancer support group. The woman I met regarding my genetic testing in speaking and I would really like to hear her. But with learning about Jen's death yesterday I think I've had my fill of cancer related thoughts for the week. I spent countless hours last night re-reading her blog and researching her procedures. It was unnecessary but I couldn't stop myself. I need a day to step back and take a cancer break.
Well, kinda. Tomorrow night Kelly is having a fund raiser for our Race for the Cure team. She's selling Tastefully Simple and 20% of all sales will go to finding a cure. It will be a bunch of women, good food and wine and lots of laughter. Maybe that will kick me into happy days.
Besides the blahs I'm also itching like hell. My allergies are killing me and I have a sinus infection that is making my head feel like a balloon filled with oatmeal that is fixing to explode. The pressure and the drainage are painful. On top of that Pennsylvania weather is bonkers. A low pressure system with lots of rain and crappy allergens and bringing on a migraine.
Yea, I'm a coughing, sneezing, wheezing, sniffling grumpy mess.
Happy Wednesday to you.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Tears
I was doing my daily blog check when I nearly got the breath knocked out of me. I wasn't prepared for this. She was one of my inspirations when I was first diagnosed. She battled the disease and won! I learned much from her and thought of her often.
Rest in Peace Jen.
I'll be walking in your memory this year.
Cancer Sucks.
Rest in Peace Jen.
I'll be walking in your memory this year.
Cancer Sucks.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Another Sunday
Wow, I can't believe I haven't updated since the 5th. Time is flying.
I am stressing over money and Matt's case and trying to find hope that things will get better. I have a sinus infection and not breathing very well. My allergies are killing me and the weather lately has been depressing.
I have an appt with my shrink tomorrow. I am hopeful that she'll somehow give me a jolt of happy energy.
Here are some random pictures....
kristen G made these adorable cupcakes for our egg hunt. She's so talented.
Happy 60th birthday Pa!
I am stressing over money and Matt's case and trying to find hope that things will get better. I have a sinus infection and not breathing very well. My allergies are killing me and the weather lately has been depressing.
I have an appt with my shrink tomorrow. I am hopeful that she'll somehow give me a jolt of happy energy.
Here are some random pictures....
kristen G made these adorable cupcakes for our egg hunt. She's so talented.
Happy 60th birthday Pa!Sunday, April 5, 2009
Seven years of therapy
It was that kind of day. I feel like I experienced seven years of growth in a 24 hour period and it didn't cost me one single co-pay.
I spent the bulk of the day either getting ready for or enjoying my time at the Philadelphia Zoo with Matt and Cha. Matt and I decided early this morning that we wanted to see the animals. Actually, we planned on going to the local zoo which is a bit smaller. When we told Cha where we were going she said she was excited to see the elephants and zebras, neither of which the local zoo has so we headed downtown.
We had a fantastic time and I caught myself getting choked up several times during the day. Watching Cha react to the animals made me flashback to the zoo trips from my childhood. I loved going to the zoo and the whole process of getting ready, packing the car and driving up to the entrance. It was such an event and seeing the animals close up was such a treat. I pray that Cha grows up and remembers today fondly. She had an unusual amount of breakdowns today and I have a feeling that she's getting another ear infection, but I'm hoping she won't remember today's tears.
On the drive home I started feeling woozy and knew that a migraine was coming on. The sun, hours of walking and the Philly traffic was a bit too much so by the time we got home my head was pounding. I managed to nip it in the bud tho with a long nap in a cold dark room. I woke up feeling spent and drugged but the pain was gone. It was late so I fed Cha dinner, gave her a bath and went to the grocery store while Matt put her to bed.
On the way to the store I called Kristen. Oh boy. Where do I begin?
Kristen and I have known each other since we were five years old and she was my first ever BFF. We were inseparable when we were kids. Our families were close and she came on many of my favorite family vacations. Most of my best memories as a young girl include Kristen and now that I have a daughter I think of her often. Sitting on Cha's floor playing Barbies with her brings me back to playing Barbies at Kristen's house. She had all the cool accessories including the Barbie airplane and cars.
My family moved away in junior high and Kristen and I lost touch. A while back she started looking for me and thanks to the beauty of MySpace, Facebook and my brother Jim, we hooked up again. We emailed a bit and arranged to speak tonight.
From the very moment she answered the phone I felt at home and comfortable. Here was someone who shared my best times and knew me well. The words flowed easily and if it weren't for two dying cell phone batteries, we could have jabbed another hour.
We spoke about good times and bad and a bit about mutual friends. At one point the conversation took an unexpected turn. We were catching up on our families and next thing you know we were talking mommy issues. (Don't stop reading Mom!) Our mothers were (and still are) very much alike and as she talked about her mother I couldn't help but give my perspective. She also gave her perspective on recollections I have of my mother. Seriously, that's a pretty big wow.
Not that either of our upbringings were war zones but My Mother/My Self didn't become a best seller for no reason. Mother and daughter relationships are complicated and I am very aware of that now that I have a daughter of my own. I can't tell you how liberating it was having someone who lived my childhood with me give me her point of view. You know how you can spend a great day at the beach (0r the zoo!), stub your toe on the way to the car and then spend the rest of the day obsessing over your toe and totally forgetting about playing in the waves? Well, imagine having someone come back 30 years later and remind you of all those little details. Amazing.
At age 41 I am proud to say that I love my mother and I love Ann, Kristen's mother. They are both great women who worked hard, had fun and raised wild children. I pray that 40 years from now Cha has a BFF that she can reminisce about her mother with. And I pray that all the little stumbles (hers and mine) are overlooked and only great memories remain.
I spent the bulk of the day either getting ready for or enjoying my time at the Philadelphia Zoo with Matt and Cha. Matt and I decided early this morning that we wanted to see the animals. Actually, we planned on going to the local zoo which is a bit smaller. When we told Cha where we were going she said she was excited to see the elephants and zebras, neither of which the local zoo has so we headed downtown.
We had a fantastic time and I caught myself getting choked up several times during the day. Watching Cha react to the animals made me flashback to the zoo trips from my childhood. I loved going to the zoo and the whole process of getting ready, packing the car and driving up to the entrance. It was such an event and seeing the animals close up was such a treat. I pray that Cha grows up and remembers today fondly. She had an unusual amount of breakdowns today and I have a feeling that she's getting another ear infection, but I'm hoping she won't remember today's tears.
On the drive home I started feeling woozy and knew that a migraine was coming on. The sun, hours of walking and the Philly traffic was a bit too much so by the time we got home my head was pounding. I managed to nip it in the bud tho with a long nap in a cold dark room. I woke up feeling spent and drugged but the pain was gone. It was late so I fed Cha dinner, gave her a bath and went to the grocery store while Matt put her to bed.
On the way to the store I called Kristen. Oh boy. Where do I begin?
Kristen and I have known each other since we were five years old and she was my first ever BFF. We were inseparable when we were kids. Our families were close and she came on many of my favorite family vacations. Most of my best memories as a young girl include Kristen and now that I have a daughter I think of her often. Sitting on Cha's floor playing Barbies with her brings me back to playing Barbies at Kristen's house. She had all the cool accessories including the Barbie airplane and cars.
My family moved away in junior high and Kristen and I lost touch. A while back she started looking for me and thanks to the beauty of MySpace, Facebook and my brother Jim, we hooked up again. We emailed a bit and arranged to speak tonight.
From the very moment she answered the phone I felt at home and comfortable. Here was someone who shared my best times and knew me well. The words flowed easily and if it weren't for two dying cell phone batteries, we could have jabbed another hour.
We spoke about good times and bad and a bit about mutual friends. At one point the conversation took an unexpected turn. We were catching up on our families and next thing you know we were talking mommy issues. (Don't stop reading Mom!) Our mothers were (and still are) very much alike and as she talked about her mother I couldn't help but give my perspective. She also gave her perspective on recollections I have of my mother. Seriously, that's a pretty big wow.
Not that either of our upbringings were war zones but My Mother/My Self didn't become a best seller for no reason. Mother and daughter relationships are complicated and I am very aware of that now that I have a daughter of my own. I can't tell you how liberating it was having someone who lived my childhood with me give me her point of view. You know how you can spend a great day at the beach (0r the zoo!), stub your toe on the way to the car and then spend the rest of the day obsessing over your toe and totally forgetting about playing in the waves? Well, imagine having someone come back 30 years later and remind you of all those little details. Amazing.
At age 41 I am proud to say that I love my mother and I love Ann, Kristen's mother. They are both great women who worked hard, had fun and raised wild children. I pray that 40 years from now Cha has a BFF that she can reminisce about her mother with. And I pray that all the little stumbles (hers and mine) are overlooked and only great memories remain.
Friday, April 3, 2009
the working mom thing
So, being a working mom leads to a different kind of soul searching than a mom who stays at home with her child. Both moms have to make very serious decisions for and on behalf of their child. I'm sure both are difficult and neither side has it any easier than the other.
This is what I'm currently dealing with....
Cha has been at the same daycare since she was nine weeks old. With very few exceptions the teachers and students have all been the same. There are several children that Cha has been with nearly every day since she was an infant. They act like siblings, which helps me feel better since Cha will be my one and only. It's been a real joy for me to watch these darling children grow and see the kind of people they are becoming.
I have watched one of her classmates closely since day one. He was eight months old when I first laid eyes on him but even back then I had a feel that he was bad news. I hate to label a child, but he put off this 'bad egg' vibe from a very early age. I was relieved when he was eventually moved into an older class and no longer with Cha every day. Fortunately this six month age gap kept him in different classes so she didn't have to deal with him every day. Well that all changed six months ago when Cha graduated to the 3 year old room.
For the past six months I've been hearing Cha talk about how this boy hits, kicks, bites and pushes her friends. I've witnesses it many times and have spoken to him in the same way I would hope friends would speak to Cha if they saw her behave poorly. This boy has run up to me many times at the end of the day to admit his bad deeds.
'I pushed Cha on the ground and made her bleed. Miss MJ put me in time out.'
He also has the habit of running up and trying to tackle or um, fondle other parents. I remarked to some friends one afternoon that this boy runs up to me and tries to grab my breasts with both hands. A week later another mom admitted that he did the same thing to her, only he had the nerve to actually go under the shirt! I'm telling you, this boy gives off a bad egg vibe.
I got a note from school recently that they are making some changes to the three year old room. It seems every year around the time the classes get super crowded. Starting next week there will be way too many three year olds for one room to handle, so they're splitting them into two smaller rooms. I'm sure you can imagine how many fingers I had crossed hoping that bad egg boy would be in a different class than Cha. I even spoke to the director several times about my preference.
When the class list came out and I saw that they were in the same room I was totally bummed. I tried to think positive. The boy was six months older so he should be moving up to the four year old room soon, right? And Cha was one of the biggest kids in class. She handles this boy better than most because she can hold her own. She's survived six months with this boy already, what's another month.
Well, I spoke to the director again today and found some troubling news. Thanks to 'developmental delays', bad egg kid won't be transitioning up to the four year old class until September, which is exactly when Cha will be moving. So not only will she be subjected to his bad behavior for another six months, but she'll continue to be in class until she graduates from this school. Grrr.
Part of me thinks that it's a good thing that she's learning to deal with difficult personalites at such an early age. This experience will better prepare her for public school and all the characters she'll meet. Another part of me wants to demand that the bad egg be removed from school and stop bullying my child. The directors have received many complaints about this child and his older sibling who is currently in the four year old room. I was told that one of the reasons they want to hold the boy back is because his sibling is just as bad and the teacher doesn't think she can handle the two of them together. Ugh!
So today I'm wondering if I should be looking at other options. Is this that much of a problem that I will take my child out of a school that I really like? I'm very unhappy that Cha will be spending every day with this boy. She's learned words and phrases that I am uncomfortable with and as she and the boy get older it's bound to get worse. She comes home with scratches, bruises, scrapes and stories of hurt feelings. Overall, she's happy when I drop her off and pick her up from school. She rarely complains about going to school and she talks about her teachers and her friends all the time.
Am I fooling myself or doing her a disservice by keeping her there? Am I making a molehill out of a mountain due to working mom's guilt? I know it's impossible to know, but how would a stay at home mom handle this situation?
Just curious.
This is what I'm currently dealing with....
Cha has been at the same daycare since she was nine weeks old. With very few exceptions the teachers and students have all been the same. There are several children that Cha has been with nearly every day since she was an infant. They act like siblings, which helps me feel better since Cha will be my one and only. It's been a real joy for me to watch these darling children grow and see the kind of people they are becoming.
I have watched one of her classmates closely since day one. He was eight months old when I first laid eyes on him but even back then I had a feel that he was bad news. I hate to label a child, but he put off this 'bad egg' vibe from a very early age. I was relieved when he was eventually moved into an older class and no longer with Cha every day. Fortunately this six month age gap kept him in different classes so she didn't have to deal with him every day. Well that all changed six months ago when Cha graduated to the 3 year old room.
For the past six months I've been hearing Cha talk about how this boy hits, kicks, bites and pushes her friends. I've witnesses it many times and have spoken to him in the same way I would hope friends would speak to Cha if they saw her behave poorly. This boy has run up to me many times at the end of the day to admit his bad deeds.
'I pushed Cha on the ground and made her bleed. Miss MJ put me in time out.'
He also has the habit of running up and trying to tackle or um, fondle other parents. I remarked to some friends one afternoon that this boy runs up to me and tries to grab my breasts with both hands. A week later another mom admitted that he did the same thing to her, only he had the nerve to actually go under the shirt! I'm telling you, this boy gives off a bad egg vibe.
I got a note from school recently that they are making some changes to the three year old room. It seems every year around the time the classes get super crowded. Starting next week there will be way too many three year olds for one room to handle, so they're splitting them into two smaller rooms. I'm sure you can imagine how many fingers I had crossed hoping that bad egg boy would be in a different class than Cha. I even spoke to the director several times about my preference.
When the class list came out and I saw that they were in the same room I was totally bummed. I tried to think positive. The boy was six months older so he should be moving up to the four year old room soon, right? And Cha was one of the biggest kids in class. She handles this boy better than most because she can hold her own. She's survived six months with this boy already, what's another month.
Well, I spoke to the director again today and found some troubling news. Thanks to 'developmental delays', bad egg kid won't be transitioning up to the four year old class until September, which is exactly when Cha will be moving. So not only will she be subjected to his bad behavior for another six months, but she'll continue to be in class until she graduates from this school. Grrr.
Part of me thinks that it's a good thing that she's learning to deal with difficult personalites at such an early age. This experience will better prepare her for public school and all the characters she'll meet. Another part of me wants to demand that the bad egg be removed from school and stop bullying my child. The directors have received many complaints about this child and his older sibling who is currently in the four year old room. I was told that one of the reasons they want to hold the boy back is because his sibling is just as bad and the teacher doesn't think she can handle the two of them together. Ugh!
So today I'm wondering if I should be looking at other options. Is this that much of a problem that I will take my child out of a school that I really like? I'm very unhappy that Cha will be spending every day with this boy. She's learned words and phrases that I am uncomfortable with and as she and the boy get older it's bound to get worse. She comes home with scratches, bruises, scrapes and stories of hurt feelings. Overall, she's happy when I drop her off and pick her up from school. She rarely complains about going to school and she talks about her teachers and her friends all the time.
Am I fooling myself or doing her a disservice by keeping her there? Am I making a molehill out of a mountain due to working mom's guilt? I know it's impossible to know, but how would a stay at home mom handle this situation?
Just curious.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Something Sweet - Lucky Dog
Aunt Dorth sent this to me.....
Mary and her husband John had a dog named 'Lucky.'
Lucky was a real character. Whenever Mary and John had company come for a weekend visit they would warn their friends to not leave their luggage open because Lucky would help himself to whatever struck his fancy. Inevitably, someone would forget and something would come up missing.
Mary or John would go to Lucky's toy box in the basement and there the treasure would be, amid all of Lucky's other favorite toys Lucky always stashed his finds in his toy box and he was very particular that his toys stay in the box.
It happened that Mary found out she had breast cancer. Something told her she was going to die of this disease....in fact; she was just sure it was fatal.
She scheduled the double mastectomy, fear riding her shoulders. The night before she was to go to the hospital she cuddled with Lucky. A thought struck her...what would happen to Lucky? Although the three-year-old dog liked John , he was Mary's dog through and through. If I die, Lucky will be abandoned, Mary thought. He won't understand that I didn't want to leave him! The thought made her sadder than thinking of her own death.
The double mastectomy was harder on Mary than her doctors had anticipated and Mary was hospitalized for over two weeks. John took Lucky for his evening walk faithfully, but the little dog just drooped, whining and miserable.
Finally the day came for Mary to leave the hospital. When she arrived home, Mary was so exhausted she couldn't even make it up the steps to her bedroom. John made his wife comfortable on the couch and left her to nap.
Lucky stood watching Mary but he didn't come to her when she called. It made Mary sad but sleep soon overcame her and she dozed.
When Mary woke for a second she couldn't understand what was wrong. She couldn't move her head and her body felt heavy and hot. But panic soon gave way to laughter when Mary realized the problem. She was covered, literally blanketed, with every treasure Lucky owned! While she had slept, the sorrowing dog had made trip after trip to the basement bringing his beloved mistress all his favorite things in life. He had covered her with his love.
Mary forgot about dying. Instead she and Lucky began living again, walking further and further together every day. It's been 12 years now and Mary is still cancer-free. Lucky still steals treasures and stashes them in his toy box but Mary remains his greatest treasure.
Remember....live every day to the fullest. Each minute is a blessing from God. And never forget....the people who make a difference in our lives are not the ones with the most Credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care for us.
If you see someone without a smile today give them one of yours! Live simply. Love seriously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God
Dear God, I pray for the cure of cancer.
Amen
Sunday, March 29, 2009
favorite episode ever
George and the squirrel, Jerry drugging his girlfriend and the Merv Griffin set...this is my favorite episode ever. I just happened to flip on the TV tonight and caught this episode. There was no way I could turn it off. I miss Seinfeld!
After a very long and exhausting week the last two days were perfect. Two birthday parties and Cha being her funny, clever self. The weather almost hit 70 today and the sun felt good.
Our cable went out on Friday so Cha and I went to pick up the Bolt DVD. It's a great movie but after watching it four times this weekend there is no talking that girl out of getting a dog. A year ago I told her she could get a dog when she turns five. She reminds me of it a couple times a week. If someone asks her how old she is she'll say that she's 3 and follow it up with 'When I'm five I get a dog.'
Starting last week she has also come up with an imaginary brother. She talks about 'Sammy' all the time. She claims that she and Sammy live with her grandma and grandpa in a pink house. On the way home from school the other day she pointed at a house and said that's where the four of them live. She's a funny kid.
Next weekend we're having a yard sale with the mom's group. Several of us are getting together kid's clothes, toys, household items and whatever else we can find and selling them. I've been organizing Cha's room all week. I can't believe how much that girl has! It will be nice to clean the clutter.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Update on SIL#3
I called SIL#3 today. She said the surgery went well yesterday. They took out several more lymph nodes and her surgeon said that at first glance he thinks they're going to be fine. The results will be in tomorrow so please pray that there are no further cancer cells.
She said she's feeling okay. The pain is manageable but she keeps getting hit with crying fits. She'll be thinking positive one moment and then just start crying. She's got a big challenge ahead of her and is understandably overwhelmed.
My nephew, who is old enough to know what's going on, is scared. SIL#3 is doing her best to put him at ease but it's not like she can promise him that everything will be fine. Thankfully they've got people offering support and a helping hand. Cancer does bring out the worst and best in people.
She'll be staying one more night in the hospital and then going home tomorrow. She has two drains and won't be returning to work until they are removed.
As for me, I called my shrink yesterday and scheduled an appt. Better to get mad and scream at her than an innocent bystander.
She said she's feeling okay. The pain is manageable but she keeps getting hit with crying fits. She'll be thinking positive one moment and then just start crying. She's got a big challenge ahead of her and is understandably overwhelmed.
My nephew, who is old enough to know what's going on, is scared. SIL#3 is doing her best to put him at ease but it's not like she can promise him that everything will be fine. Thankfully they've got people offering support and a helping hand. Cancer does bring out the worst and best in people.
She'll be staying one more night in the hospital and then going home tomorrow. She has two drains and won't be returning to work until they are removed.
As for me, I called my shrink yesterday and scheduled an appt. Better to get mad and scream at her than an innocent bystander.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Thankful Thursday?
I'm not sure if this counts as being thankful, but it's all I can muster.....
1. I'm thankful that I am employed today even tho I cannot stop stressing over Matt and I both losing our jobs.
2. I am thankful that I am alive even tho I am obsessed with the Natasha Richardson story and fretting over losing my life at any moment.
3. I am thankful that I have a wide and loving circle of friends even tho when one of them has a hard time or experiences loss I cannot stop crying for them.
4. I am thankful that we finally figured out that Cha has an ear infection and the anti-biotics and ibuprofen helped her get a good night's sleep last night. However, I am kicking myself for not picking up on the symptoms earlier and my little girl was in pain much longer than she needed to be.
5. I am thankful for my car and the great gas mileage that it gets, but I worry over the car payment.
6. I am thankful for fellow blogger Cari who unknowingly provided information and comfort during my breast cancer fight. I looked at pictures of her happy face and knew that that was my future. Now that she's battling cancer again and having a much rougher time of it I fear that once again I am looking at my future.
I'm having a tough time with sadness this week. Maybe it's physically not feeling well or not getting enough sleep. I just wish life wasn't so scary.
1. I'm thankful that I am employed today even tho I cannot stop stressing over Matt and I both losing our jobs.
2. I am thankful that I am alive even tho I am obsessed with the Natasha Richardson story and fretting over losing my life at any moment.
3. I am thankful that I have a wide and loving circle of friends even tho when one of them has a hard time or experiences loss I cannot stop crying for them.
4. I am thankful that we finally figured out that Cha has an ear infection and the anti-biotics and ibuprofen helped her get a good night's sleep last night. However, I am kicking myself for not picking up on the symptoms earlier and my little girl was in pain much longer than she needed to be.
5. I am thankful for my car and the great gas mileage that it gets, but I worry over the car payment.
6. I am thankful for fellow blogger Cari who unknowingly provided information and comfort during my breast cancer fight. I looked at pictures of her happy face and knew that that was my future. Now that she's battling cancer again and having a much rougher time of it I fear that once again I am looking at my future.
I'm having a tough time with sadness this week. Maybe it's physically not feeling well or not getting enough sleep. I just wish life wasn't so scary.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Today wasn't much better
Cha screamed for what seemed like an eternity last night. She eventually quieted down but when I creeped upstairs to bed I found that Matt took the easy way out by putting her to sleep in our bed. I didn't dare wake her so I fell asleep in her room. Boy, I'm glad we finally moved her into a twin.
Around midnight she woke me up saying she wanted to sleep with me. She was feverous and her voice was scratchy. I moved over and let her cuddle up to me. She got up several times during the night. Once she sat up, turned on her lamp and said she needed to sleep with the light on. Another time she got out of bed and got herself a drink. I didn't find out until she was sitting next to me with some Poland Spring. Her throat was dry and she coughed most of the night. A few times she coughed so hard that she threw up. She has been complaining of a tummy ache for several days so I wasn't sure if it was actually a bug or just mucus.
When I woke up at 6:00 am this morning she was still very warm. I decided to just let her sleep while I got ready for work. When I checked on her again after my shower she was still out of it. She eventually woke up at 8:30 which is rare for her. She's an early riser. She told me her tummy ached and said she need water so I kept her home. She spent most of the day cuddled up to me on the couch while I worked (with one hand) on my laptop. She started feeling better around 3:00 so we did her homework and then took a walk outside to get some fresh air.
While we were outside I noticed these emo kids on the playground. They're teenagers who are always getting in trouble. They smoke and drink and vandalize the playground, which is three doors down from me. Grrr! I have been staying away from the playground because I don't want to deal with them but today I didn't care. We walked right up to the slide and the two boys walked away. Cha played for a little while then said she wanted to take a walk, so we trekked back behind the house to what she calls her 'garden'. Those two idiot teens were sitting at our back fence smoking pot. F-ers. They didn't even stop or try to hide it when we walked by. I really hate those kids. I gave them a look and then tried to decide whether I should talk to their parents or call the police. I thought the police would make a bigger impression but when we walked back to the front of the house I saw them on their way home. I swear next time I see them near the playground I am calling the cops. It certainly wouldn't be the first time!
So, the day wasn't much better but at least it's not Monday.
Around midnight she woke me up saying she wanted to sleep with me. She was feverous and her voice was scratchy. I moved over and let her cuddle up to me. She got up several times during the night. Once she sat up, turned on her lamp and said she needed to sleep with the light on. Another time she got out of bed and got herself a drink. I didn't find out until she was sitting next to me with some Poland Spring. Her throat was dry and she coughed most of the night. A few times she coughed so hard that she threw up. She has been complaining of a tummy ache for several days so I wasn't sure if it was actually a bug or just mucus.
When I woke up at 6:00 am this morning she was still very warm. I decided to just let her sleep while I got ready for work. When I checked on her again after my shower she was still out of it. She eventually woke up at 8:30 which is rare for her. She's an early riser. She told me her tummy ached and said she need water so I kept her home. She spent most of the day cuddled up to me on the couch while I worked (with one hand) on my laptop. She started feeling better around 3:00 so we did her homework and then took a walk outside to get some fresh air.
While we were outside I noticed these emo kids on the playground. They're teenagers who are always getting in trouble. They smoke and drink and vandalize the playground, which is three doors down from me. Grrr! I have been staying away from the playground because I don't want to deal with them but today I didn't care. We walked right up to the slide and the two boys walked away. Cha played for a little while then said she wanted to take a walk, so we trekked back behind the house to what she calls her 'garden'. Those two idiot teens were sitting at our back fence smoking pot. F-ers. They didn't even stop or try to hide it when we walked by. I really hate those kids. I gave them a look and then tried to decide whether I should talk to their parents or call the police. I thought the police would make a bigger impression but when we walked back to the front of the house I saw them on their way home. I swear next time I see them near the playground I am calling the cops. It certainly wouldn't be the first time!
So, the day wasn't much better but at least it's not Monday.
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