I am a social butterfly. All my life I have fluttered around people and places, making new friends and experiencing new things. It's always been important to me to expand my circle of friends, or orbit as I call it. Young Me was very big on expanding my orbit. I loved meeting people and finding connections.
When I was a nanny in DC I had to meet all the other nannies, to keep them in my circle because you'd just never know. That whole six degrees of separation thing was fascinating to me. Not in a social climbing way, but in a 'Wow, this world is so friggen small!' kinda way.
Several years ago I realized that my orbit was becoming a major source of stress and started separating myself from others. There's a downfall to opening your arms so wide. Conflicting personalities, beliefs and points of views can lead to unnecessary sadness and grief, especially when you're already dealing with death, depression and cancer. Not to mention keeping drama at bay when you're concentrating on your child's health and happiness.
This isn't to say that I've become less tolerant. I still believe to each it's own, and fully support others right to their own beliefs. However, my priorities are reduced to my little family of three and surrounding us with those who help to provide a positive environment. My orbit is now a wee bit smaller (understatement).
The transformation has not been easy. I carry tremendous guilt over the people who are now at arm's length. My personality (disorder) has always been one to put others before myself. To get overly involved and try to help others, often at my own expense. I feel incredible sadness thinking of relationships that have come in an end. I've cried over the friends and family who are no longer there. But I wish them well. Deep down I know that this is what needs to happen to move my family of three in the right direction. This is what needs to happen to place us on the right path and keep us happy, healthy and safe.
We three are good people. We work hard to lead a good and just life.
And I love them so.
