mom, i had a funny dream

Cha woke up in a great mood and told me she had a funny dream. She climbed up on my lap and went on and on with the details. I really wanted to stop and grab my camera to catch every word, but I didn't want to ruin the moment.

In her dream she went to the beach. All alone. I asked if she drove by herself and she said a blue whale took her. She was standing outside and yelled at a passing blue whale 'Let's go to the beach!' He stopped and allowed her to climb on his back. Then he took off, and because this was a special blue whale with wings, they flew high in the air and she laughed the whole way.

He landed on her beach towel, which she found funny since he had his own right next to hers. All the people at the beach were happy to see him because it was hot and he provided shade. 'It's a good thing he gave us shade because he used my umbrella as a lollipop.'

She pulled two tubes of 'scunscreen' out of her beach bag. The blue whale used his fins to put lotion on Cha and she needed a giant tube to put it on him. Then they had fun playing in the water.

Dream over. 'Isn't that funny?!', she said.

Last week my mother showed up in a dream. It was the first time I felt that she is with me always. My father was also in the dream. He invited Cha and I over for dinner and asked for my help fixing the fence in his backyard. While I was out back pulling weeds that were breaking down the fence I turned to see my mother lead Cha into the playroom to color and read books. Not only is my mother always there, she's still lending a hand.

On an unrelated note, my mother's aunt passed away yesterday. She had been in a home for the past couple of months and I was fortunate to spent time with her on our recent visit. There were moments when she was aware that I was there. I brought the younger nieces, including Cha and we jabbered about our vacation. The last few visits I went alone and spent quiet time in prayer, asking God for a peaceful ending. (She was asking for one too.) She was a special person and left behind some pretty incredible memories.

Simply Stated

'Yep, it's cancer.'

'She didn't make it.'

'They found Jay.'

Three little sentences that sit heavily on my heart.

happy monday

a giraffe

There are many thoughts and feelings zooming around my head and body and I don't have the energy to put them all together so they make sense. I am betrayed, hurt, angry, sad, lonely, and hopeful. I have a therapy appointment today to help me put all those feelings in their proper place.

Yesterday was a good day. I picked up Cha after work and she, Matt and I went out to dinner, which is a rare thing in our household. After dinner we went to one of my favorite places, the public library. I picked up a dozen or so books for Cha and we read six of them last night before bed. She read a few of the easy readers and was almost as proud as I was. She's doing so well and tries so hard. For the past several years she would break down in tears over the fact that she couldn't read or write. I'm so happy for her that she's getting it and that it's making her happy as well.

Her favorite book of the night was also one of my favorites, A Giraffe and a Half. I remember reading it as a kid and it always made me smile. I am truly blessed with this gift called motherhood which allows me to share this book with this precious little girl, especially given the current turmoil in my life.

Hopeful.