Sharing the pain

I've gone back and forth about sharing pictures but I decided to just go for it. If you think looking at these are painful, just imagine trying to sleep with these bruises. These shots were taken two days ago and the bruising is worse today.

The tubes are the most painful. I am counting the hours until they are removed. The Vicodin does nothing but make me dizzy and tired. The pain just won't go away. I've been putting ice packs under my arms and on my breasts and that numbs things, but I think the only thing that will truly help is time.

I am very thankful that I still have no feeling in my stomach otherwise this would hurt like hell.

This is the incision under my breast. It runs from one side to the other and it's incredible painful to wear a bra. The tube placement also makes wearing a bra difficult. If I twist the wrong way or move my arms it pulls on the tube. Major ouch.

Woe is me.

IVF to wipe out BCRA-1?

I read an interesting article tonight about wiping out the breast cancer gene.

A man in the UK has the BCRA gene, as do other members of his family. His mother, sister, grandmother and cousin all had breast cancer, some as young as 27. When the man and his wife were ready to have children they decided to try to eliminate the possibility of birthing a child who also had the gene.

The wife opted for in vitro fertilization and had the embryos screened for the gene. Out of the 11 embryos tested, six were positive. The woman had two clean eggs implanted and froze two others to be used at a later date.

The part of this article that was so exciting to me was this:

By screening out embryos carrying the gene, called BRCA-1, the couple, from London, will eliminate the hereditary disease from their lineage.

Yes, IVF is expensive and very stressful but what a wonderful gift to pass on to your children. I wish that mother a very healthy pregnancy and three cheers for her smarts.

Cool beans

As I've mentioned a dozen times, I organize a mom's group for working mothers. I get spammy type emails several times a month from people trying to sell their products to us. Most get deleted but I got one yesterday that was totally cool.

I'm going to leave her info in, if you'd like to contact her yourself.

Hello! My name is Chrissie Raysor, and I am C. Raysor Photography (http://www.craysor.com).

I am looking to build my new business, and am offering a special for people who book with me from your Meetup Group.

From now until 8/31/08 members of your group are eligible for 50% off session fees and 10% off print prices. Sessions may take place after that date, but the appointment must be made and the session fee paid prior to that date.

I like to think I have a fun style, and love kids and families, and look forward to building my business in Chester County. I'm a Chester County Mom myself, with 2 daughters under 5 years old, and love this area. I love to give back, and am also a member of Think Pink Photography, offering free sessions and prints for women who have battled or are currently batting breast cancer.

Again, my website is http://www.craysor.com, and I hope that you will pass this offer along to your group. Please let me know if you are, so that I can keep you updated on other specials and news for your group.

Thank you for your consideration!

Sincerely,
Chrissie Raysor

What an awesome thing! A friend of mine is a photographer in California and months ago I mentioned that I wished we lived closer so she could take glamor shots of my incisions. These scars are ugly but in the right light they can be a thing of beauty (and hope).

I just might have to schedule an appt to get professional nudie shots taken.

Thankful Thursday

I had planned on typing out how much pain I'm in but thought that would get redundant. I've decided instead to steal Jen's idea and post a Thankful Thursday.

Ten things I'm thankful for today:

1. MIL showing up this morning, with tonight's dinner in hand, and taking Cha to school.
2. Cha waking up easily when I told her that Mimi was coming over to take her to school.
3. All my friends who have called and emailed the past couple of days to check up on me.
4. Matt's healthy body and his willingness to pick up the slack while I'm laid out.
5. My central air and ceiling fan that keep me cool, since the pain meds make me warm and dizzy.
6. My internet connection!
7. Pete the Cat who has been snuggling up to me on the couch all day.
8. My parents who put off their return trip a couple extra days to be with me.
9. That we have a downstairs bathroom.
10. Peace and quiet

Ah, there it is!

The pain has arrived! Holy crap this hurts! Standing up, sitting down, moving my arms, everything hurts!

Imagine the pain of being totally out of shape and then doing a thousand sit ups in one day. Ugh, this sucks! I have been taking Vicodin and I'm guessing that's taking the edge off, but I am still awfully uncomfortable.

On a positive note, my breasts have stopped bleeding.

Another day

I had a great sleep night's sleep. I slept in the recliner and was surprised at how little pain I felt. I hate to admit it but this ugly couch is very comfortable. When I tried to get up this morning I almost screamed from the pain. My hips were BURNING. I could barely stand up I was in so much pain.

However, once I was upright I felt pretty good. The only pain seems to be in my sides and I think that's because I'm still numb from the original surgery. I was curious about where the pain was coming from so I took off the stomach binder to check things out. My sides are every color under the sun. Lots and lots of bruising. That's where all the pain is coming from which makes me feel better. If I bend and it hurts, at least I won't be afraid of pulling stitches or something. It's only bruising and sore muscles.

Last night I changed the dressing on my breasts. I hate to brag but the girls look amazing! Dr. S is a true artist. They are the perfect shape and the scars have been minimized. The incisions are bleeding somewhat so I am back to putting maxi pads in my bras. I've also got bandages over the stitching for the drains. They are on the sides right below my armpits and whenever I move I can feel the tubes pull. I am seeing Dr. S on Monday and he'll be pulling the drains out then.

He called to check up on me this morning. He said he's still not completely happy with the right breast and wants to go in and make changes. He said he also probably go in and take out another 4 lbs from my stomach. He wants to see how things settle first.

Matt is home with me today and I'm planning on taking it very easy. Dr. S said he didn't want me just sitting around, that I should keep walking and drink lots of water, but that I shouldn't carry anything (or anyone). I'm thinking I'll be fine to drive tomorrow and take Cha to school. I can drive as long as I'm not taking the pain meds.

Quick update

Pre-op with Dr. S, my Knight in Shining Armor!

All is well! The pain isn't as bad as I feared, but I'm still a bit doped up so who knows how it will feel tomorrow. My plastic surgeon said there's still issues with my right breast, so I'll be going in for another surgery. He took out 2 lbs on my breasts and 3 lbs on my tummy, and is scheduled to do more lipo in another couple months.

Once again I had to stand naked in a room while a man drew on my body and Matthew watched. Lucky for me that I don't have issues in that department. My biggest concern was that I didn't vomit on the doctor's head, which was a possibility. I will be dramatically smaller, but not quite sure what that means. I'm curious to see what I'll be when the bandages come off and the swelling is gone.

I'll update later if I have more energy.

P.S. I've got two drains. :(

What a blast!

We had our working moms picnic yesterday and it was very cool. The weather was calling for rain and we totally lucked out and had clear skies all day. We had a BBQ, water balloons, a pinata and beer. What more do you need for a perfect day?

Pre-Op Appointment

This morning I met with Dr. S. He took one final look at the goods and explained exactly what he's going to do next Tuesday. There's a bit of a change in plans, but I'm okay with it.

I am second in line for surgery, so they are thinking I'll need to be there at 9:00 am. They'll call me Monday night to confirm. We're going to take Cha to daycare and then Matt will be bringing me to the surgical center. I will not be going to the hospital this time. This will be an outpatient procedure and I should be heading home in the afternoon.

The original plan was for Dr. S to reshape my breasts and clean up the incision across my hips. I was looking forward to cleaning up the incision since as I've stated before there are numerous hard spots and the lumps are uncomfortable. Dr. S said he'd rather concentrate on my breasts and 'going to town' on my stomach, suctioning out a boat load of fat (my words, not his). Once those areas are healed (he's guessing by the end of summer) I'll go back in to clean up my hips and at that time he'll make the nipples. That will be my final procedure and I will be all pretty by Cha's third birthday in September.

Yesterday I met with another of Dr. S' patients. She mentioned that her least favorite part of this entire experience was getting her picture taken. She freaked out during her before shots and is having extreme anxiety over her potential after shots. I mentioned that they might not be required. She asked me to check with Dr. S during my appt so I casually asked him how often he needs to take pictures. He said that he understood that most women hate having the pictures done so he doesn't require mid-and after-shots. I mentioned that the pictures didn't really bother me since I have been taking my own at home. I like having a record and seeing how far I've come. He was happy to hear my attitude and asked if I wouldn't mind if he took some shots today. Thinking back on all the before and after pictures I have seen since December, I gladly obliged and hope that he shares them with others.

I'm nervous as hell about Tuesday but the anxiety isn't quite as bad as the first time around. Maybe because the procedure won't be as long or involved, or maybe because I'm used to the prodding. I'll probably have a hard time sleeping this weekend and who knows if I'll ever get to bed Monday night. I'm glad my parents will be visiting this weekend to help me take my mind off things. I've also got the working moms group picnic on Sunday to obsess over (only 60 attendees!).

One final note to Joe: let's not schedule Korean food anytime soon.

I fired my shrink

I'm not sure if this is a smart idea or not, but it's six days before my surgery and I just fired my shrink.

I know I'm depressed but at the moment talking about it isn't really doing anything for me. Life is up and down and busy and stressful and I think my depression stems from issues that cannot be resolved by 'talking about it'.

What makes me feel better is being active and trying to breathe. Right now, dwelling on all the things that I am doing wrong and fixating on what needs to be changed is only dragging me down. Matt keeps telling me that I am depressed and that the last thing I need to do is stop going to therapy. I don't think he understands. I admit that I am down and need help but my current therapist isn't providing the help that I need. I need to find someone new but at the moment I am concentrating on my next surgery, working, keeping myself and my family safe and fed and most importantly, trying to breathe.

Maybe once the surgery is over and I have some time to relax and recover I will start feeling better on my own. All I know is that I have been feeling terribly anxious before my therapy appointments and can't remember the last time I left his office feeling better than when I walked in. It's become one more thing to stress over.

We'll just have to see what happens.

Random Pictures

playing with kiersten

pops at little round top

cha and grandma

grandma, our gettysburg photographer

ralphie - simply cool

olivia and tig

I'm just all sorts of special

I met with the chiro and the odd thing I noticed on my xrays is actually a cervical rib. It's a congenital abnormality and the chiro said it's responsible for most of my pain. I've also got a similar abnormality in my lower back, tho I can't for the life of me remember the name. She said it's rare for a patient to have both these conditions and is surprised that I am not experiencing more pain in my lower back. I've got a fair share of bone spurs in my lower back and disc degeneration. I am getting so old.

She gave me an adjustment which immediately ceased a bulk of my pain. Again, she said I will be very sore tomorrow morning.

It was a good appointment.

Long weekend, huh?

Friday was tough. I got my xrays early Friday morning and brought the film back to the office. I sneaked a peek and saw something that was odd. I had no clue what it was but I was desperate for someone to tell me it was nothing. I called the chiropractor and asked if she had any time to meet me. She said she would have loved to, but she was on her way to the beach for the weekend and would see me on Monday morning. I told her it was mean to keep a cancer survivor hanging over a long weekend.

I called my primary doctor and begged her to take a look at the xrays and tell me if she saw anything. She said she would have loved to but her office is all digital and doesn't even have a film reader. She could perhaps hold it up to the light and kinda make things out but that really wouldn't do me any good. She also said that since she wasn't the ordering doctor she couldn't really read the films anyway. Crap.

I decided to spend the rest of Friday blubbering and freaking out. I'm telling you, it wasn't a good day.

Saturday morning I decided to try to put the whole thing out of my mind. It had to be possible if doctors kept telling me to do so, right? I woke up in the morning and took Cha to a playdate with friends. She had a blast splashing in the water, eating ice pops and standing in the sprinklers. She ran around with her friends, and as Jaime promised she came home tired and dirty. The perfect playdate.

Saturday night my girlfriends and I had a Sex and the City movie night. I came equipped with more Cosmos than six women could possibly drink, but I was determined to relax and have fun. It turned out all I needed was one measly drink. I found that sitting with these wonderful women and chatting about work, kids, family and life was all I needed to keep sane.

Sunday Cha and I drove to Gettysburg to have lunch with my parents (pictures to follow). It was crazy hot and humid but the AC in the car and the restaurant worked perfectly. Cha had a fantastic time playing with Grandma and Grandpa and climbing rocks that no two year old should climb. I talked a little bit about the xrays and waiting for Monday's appt, but I didn't let it take over the day. There were many other topics to discuss (Cha's singing, shoes that don't fit and Hillary's glass ceiling).

My appt is scheduled for 10:15 this morning. It's right up the street from home so I am working at home today. I am expecting to be back online at 11:00 with a near perfect aligned spine and a spring in my step over a dodged bullet.

'I don't want to scare you'

Those are never good words coming from a doctor.

I went to a chiropractor today. I am having severe headaches and loss of sensation in my arms due to what I'm thinking is a giant knotted muscle in my neck. My arms, especially my hands, have been very painful the past couple weeks. My fingers are weak and tingly and they hurt all the time.

The chiropractor did range of motion testing on me, checking to see if I can turn this way or that. She also did a pain test where she would apply light pressure and ask if it hurt. It was interesting for me since I learned that most of my pain originated from the right side of my body. I didn't realize that until today.

She asked me to lay on the table so she could check out my spine. She said my pelvis is rotated (it was painful to move my hip in a certain direction). And as she crawled her fingers up my spine the pain kept getting worse. She said she could tell that my alignment was out of whack and that my muscles were tight. When she got to my neck I was almost crying from the pain. She simply poked in a couple of places and I felt it in my limbs.

I rolled over and she checked out my neck from a different position. Then she asked me to sit up. She said she felt something in my neck and is uncomfortable doing an adjustment. She said she didn't want to scare me but if the breast cancer has metastasized and was working it's way to the brain it wouldn't be good for her to do an adjustment. She gave me a script to get an x-ray and told me to come back on Monday.

Well, I am pretty certain the cancer hasn't spread because we got it early and it never spread to my lymph nodes, but you just never know right? That's the fear I've got to live with for the rest of my life. Err on the side of caution because you just never know.

I am going for x-rays tomorrow and will walk out the door with the films. I'll take a peak when I get home for sure, not that I'll understand what's what.

Before I left the office she offered to give me electronic stimulus on my back which helps loosen the muscles. I had ten minutes on high and didn't feel much. That was an hour ago and my back now feels like I've been repeatedly punched. She said I'll probably feel more pain tomorrow.

Oh joy.

six months / three weeks

It's been six months this week since my cancer diagnosis. I've also got three weeks to go before my next surgery.

Time is so funny. How could it possibly be six months already? It seems like just yesterday that I was fretting over reconstruction decisions and counting down until B-Day (as in bilateral). Six months is a half a year. Where did the time go?

Meanwhile, the three weeks til my next surgery is dragging! Is it possible to speed up the future and slow down the past? Does that even makes sense to anyone but me?

This month we are also celebrating our one year anniversary in the new house. June 18th, 2007 seems like a lifetime ago. We have packed so much living into the past year that I can't even remember being at the old place. I was there for ten years and today I couldn't tell you where I kept the cheese grater.

An update on my body: The scar in my tummy is fading but there are many dime sized hard spots. I still have no feeling from my chest down to my groin. I've gained weight but it's showing up in my breasts and belly. The flat tummy is still there (other than the hard spots)
so my trunk looks odd. My breasts are much more misshapen now and it's hard to find a bra that fits right. I've picked up a dozen bras in the past few months and not one of them is comfortable. I am looking forward to the surgery when they will actually be breast-shaped.

Overall things are good.