Five years is a big day in the cancer world. I realize how incredibly lucky I am. It has been a very emotional experience.
I found a wonderful community of breast cancer sisters at BCO when I was first diagnosed and those ladies offered a tremendous support system. The love, kindness, strength and knowledge surpassed any other resource.
The BCO discussion board has a long running Angel thread listing those who succumbed to this terrible disease. It's a humbling read and I check it regularly and say prayers for their families.
Here are the ladies who have passed since my diagnosis.
Lisa40 - Lisa Turner, 12/14/07
fitzpatti, Pat Fitzpatrick - 12/26/07
CY, b445, Cheryl Thomason - 2/19/08
Jenben25 - Jennifer Lynn Buron - 1/23/08
ForTheMoment - Erin Elise Van Dyke - 3/13/08
Debbie Miller - 3/13/08
Shepgirl - Kathryn Bronson - 3/12/08
Joanne1428 - Joanne Patricia Schweitzer - 3/19/08
fd411 - Ferne Dixon - 3/23/08
kelownagirl - Jill - 4/08
skirk - Sherri Kirk - friend of jonimb - 4/10/08
PaulaBeth - May 3, 2008
labradorsandra - Sandra Branton - 3/24/08
Valsul-Valerie Sullivan-Cheshire, UK - 6/13/08
ocinny414 - CindyKS - 6/16/08
KariLynn - Kari Lynn Spiers - Pittsburg, KS, 7/3/08
Kimmie39 - Kimberly Dawn Franklin - Winchester, VA 7/4/08
Pauline Jones - England - 6/7/08
Monica Pieterse - 27 yrs old - 7/10/08
Feeval, Valerie S.Juzna, - 9/26/08
Jacqueline Schevarth - 10/08
mother of mymothersbaby - 8/13/08
Melbourne Mum(Ruth) - June 30th 2008
JillT - Jill Tollefson - 10/08
jonimb - 10/22/08
jodian (Jodi Squire ) - 11/13/08
Tricia45 - 12/4/08
joyh (mother of kgodwin03) - 12/08
ShenD - 12/27/08
Bevnurse - - 10/29/08
Fancy - Kay Galipeau - 12/21/08
roja1955, Pat - 12/31/08
AlaskaDeb, Debbie Clonan - 1/25/09
HeatherBLocklear, "Annie Camel Tail", Annette Olsen-Fazi - 1/31/09
Blessed4, Angela Martinez-Medina - 2/14/09
freeariesonline, Robin Snyder - 2/10/09
CalGal, Julie - 2/19/09
Twink, Twilah Richardson - 2/22/09
arc229, Amy Comeau -3/3/09
slonedeb Deborah Lynne Slone - 4/3/09
Maya1 - 4/6/09
Patty4, Patricia A. Finnegan - 3/26/09
Toyful, Michelle Buffington - 4/27/09
sueeco, Sue Holmes - 5/6/09
waterlily, Ruth - 5/23/09
AZDarleen - 6/6/09
JerseyMaria, Donna Marie Dickscheid - 6/14/09
Kiminjax, Kim Barbato - 4/28/09
FLLoriK - 6/23/09
RanD, Randie Cipperly - 7/1/09
VickiG, Vicki Gallahue - 7/10/09
rooni, Rusty Tarbill - 7/14/09
ozzie2, Marion Wright (Australia) - 7/24/09
pinehouse, Lani - 8/12/09
debshusband's wife, Deb - 6/30/09
Debman, Deborah Mancini Wharff - 7/14/09
Cyberrand, Randy - 9/09
motherof3, Jennifer Anthony - 8/27/09
SunshineSmiles, Susan G. Elliot - 9/11/09
mena, Linda Minczuk - 9/14/09
Heidi_Ho - 9/30/09
virginiamom, Paula - 10/11/09
Mrs_X_Sunneedazee, Amber - 10/14/09
lv2cmp, Amy Vinson - 10-18-09
FloridaLady (FlaLady), Debbie - 10/20/09
geeta75, Geeta Morris - 10/21/09
TripleNeg, Stephanie Babb - 10/29/09
Swimfan, Robin Hoof - 10/22/09
Divine777, Divine Saleh - 6/19/09
WendyV - 11/4/09
lvtotravel, Lydia Schmock- 11/7/09
bettelou68, Bette George Dietrick - 11/28/09
Phyllis - 12/27/09
MREanes, Mike Eanes - 1/1/10
LynnW, Lynn Weymark - 10/20/09
riverinerabbit, Caerli - 1/18/10
kimmytoo - 1/10
denisela, Denise Parro - 1/24/10
Watson, Phyllis Gannon - 1/26/10
Kbugmom, Susan - 2/5/10
hatsarebetterthanwigs, Susie Hollingsworth - 2/16/10
abbyglp, Gale Louise Purifoy - 1/24/10
badboob67, Dianne - 2/2010
Steeny107, Michelle McAllister - 3/8/10
foxxf, Nicole - 2/21/10
wayover20, Patricia Alderete - 3/11/10
saint, Pat Wilson - 3/30/10
BonnieVA, Bonnie P. Kennedy - 3/16/10
Analemma, Brenda Roberts Funk - 4/15/10
Judiiiii, Judith K. Zemencuk - 3/3/10
kenzie57, Linda - 7/24/10
RobinTN, Robin - 6/29/10
zkacmom, Ginny Wood - 8/14/10
mason204, Cheryl - 8/19/10
BMDaley, Beth Daley - 8/22/10
Times3, Kendra - 8/2010
cwrightrn, Carole Wright - 9/12/10
AusAla or Beth Aus, Beth Ausborn - 9/24/10
nanalinda, Linda Henshaw - 9/24/10
egal, Ellen M. Gallagher - 9/17/10
heatherpalmerton, Heather Palmerton - 10/9/10
Irina - 10/14/10
dorfar, Dorothy Far Chrostek - 10/9/10
BCMomof3, Kristen - 10/27/10
EAD, Liz Cataldo -11/15/10
Tyra, Tyra Taylor-Hughes - 11/19/10
ChocolateLover, Michelle Brown - 12/8/10
Nine_Rugrats, Tonya - 12/2010
CarynRose, Caryn Rosenberg - 12/29/10
BMarie, Barbara Doss McLaren - 8/14/10
Angelsabove - 1/01/11
Melissa Braddy, MissyBraddy - 9/30/09
diana63 - 1/2011
Bopeep, Linora, MizSissy, Linda Swift - 1/17/11
Getwell, Pat - 1/15/11
Carolyn Habryl - 2/2011
LisaSDCA - 2/10/11
RobinWendy - 2/21/11
EyesOTex, Dana Crisp - 2/20/11
Melanie36 - 11/2010
DebZaz - 3/16/11
Olga Simkin Z"L - 3/23/11
khartoregon, Karen Hart - 3/1/11
g94u67, Jeannine Aresti - 4/13/11
teachersally8467, Sally C. Saroca-Pelington - 4/12/11
PauldingMom, Lisa Baumgart - 5/8/11
JustPayton, Samantha Pritchett - 5/18/11
BeckyOD, Rebecca Ponitzman Odonovan - 4/30/11
Pee, Paula Gerding - 6/10/11
luvmywife's wife, Amy - 4/5/11
konakat, Elizabeth Blair - 6/14/11
Leanneh, Leanne J. Hubley - 5/6/11
Robin-Kaye - 4/12/11
jleigh, Jennifer L. Phelps - 6/21/11
lindaa - 6/14/11
karendunn36 - 5/30/11
marshakb, Marsha K. Benningfield - 7/2/11
DARLENEDENISE, Darlene Denise Atkins - 5/30/11
mjsmom - 7/24/11
dragonfly, Debra - 5/7/11
Junie - 8/1/11
LibraryJenn, Jennifer Rae (Drury) Climenhaga - 7/22/2011
shan1171 - 8/18/11
sheaves, Donna - 9/7/11
katie11, Katie Staples - 8/4/11
Frankie_ , Francesca Foreman-McInnes - 2011
JoyRebecca, Joy Heady - 10/3/11
LC815, Linda Conner - 10/16/11
Goody, Marta Dailey Goodman - 9/14/11
Lashon2008, Lashon Baldwin - 10/2011
lisahugs1, Lisa Scznsny, - 10/2010
HollyinMich, 11/21/11
Lifestooshort, Laurie Ann Lasee - 11/10/11
mossybaby, Yvonne Depew - 12/13/11
Ruth1, Ruth Flick - 12/12/11
FightnF8, Lorelei - 1/1/12
LivingIt, Vivian Zoh Murphy - 1/10/12
Donnabee - 1/4/12
Ann R - 1/8/12
MJ6266,rd Luno Mary - 1/26/12
jloon, Jackie Mountford Lunot - 1/25/12
VC1, Vicki - 1/28/12
starbeauty, Esther - 2/9/12
Honeybear, Jennifer Killian - 2/14/12
Bruburn, Nicole Brufatto-Hepburn - 2/12/12
Alpal, Allison Orendorf Walter - 3/1/12
jintski, Sally - 3/2/12
LinTol, Linda Ann Toland - 1/31/12
EricV - 2/7/12
laurajane, Laura Jane Shively - 3/10/12
imbell, Mary Leila Bell - 1/9/12
Suze35 - 3/12/12
Deep81, Gurdeep Khangura - 1/2012
MBJ, Mary Jahn - 3/15/12
pamelajo, Pamela Jo Pruett - 7/5/11
BusQueen, Carie Gasperz - 3/2012
clemson93, Susan Barrineau Jones - 3/24/12
kathy36, Katherine Russell Rich - 4/3/12
Canchaser, Amy - 4/5/12
4everhopeful, Helen - 4/1/12
WingsofHope, Dana - 4/22/12
ksgeorge, Katrina George - 4/23/12
TexasKaren, Karen O'Briant - 4/27/12
elliem1207, Eleanor Miscioscia - 5/22/10
Jane_M, Jane Robert Murphy - 5/4/12
jeanne46 - 5/8/12
elleng, Joanna M. Klemm - 5/16/12
MJL, Martha Rall - 6/2012
stateofgrace33, Christine M. Cashell - 1/21/10
dreamwriter, Regina Evans - 7/2012
3katz, Amy - 6/21/12
blondelawyer, Lisa Worthington-Brown - 8/1/12
beccad - 8/6/12
jenn3, Jennifer Condit Grandolfo - 8/5/12
Reesie, Marie Giebel - 8/12/12
AngelaMBlack - 8/16/12
china, Dawn Watza - 8/14/12
marybe - 9/4/12
ma111 - 8/11/12
chillipadi, Carol Chua - 9/8/12
brenna - 10/1/12
lowrider54, Sharon - 11/21/12
Reneepals - 11/8/12
CTG - Laura McCarthy - 1/19/08
Kristen Lupton - 1/28/08
LeftyLu - 9/26/08
Tracy1964 - 10/15/08
heartwings59 - Gina Schonthaler - 10/26/08 UK
helen1 - Helen Mulloy, 12/18/08
hshi - Cindy Hunt, 11/18/08
Namid, Marlene Burt - 1/21/10
jankay - 9/19/2010
Bethmc, Beth McArdle - 3/21/11
Ladyjean or LJ, Lana Jean Healey - 4/24/11
Alicerainbow - 7/9/11
Olive
JulieAD or Cuddles, Julie Day Leavitt - 9/11/12
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
little things
It's very important to us that Cha grow up to be a wonderfully accepting, compassionate, and open minded woman. Since she was very young we talked to her about diversity and how people are free to love whomever their hearts tells them they love. We say that anyone can be together, as long as they love and care about each other, and no one is getting hurt. Boys can love boys, girls can love girls, and they can love each other.
One day I heard her talking with a friend. The girl had called a classmate gay and Cha said, 'It's okay to be gay, as long as he's happy.' Right on, baby.
But it seems that I've been concentrating too much on the same sex coupling side of diversity. The other night she asked me:
'Mom, is it okay for a white person to marry a Chinese person?'
We've never really discussed race, which I guess is a good thing since it shows her that it's not really an issue. I told her that yes, it's totally fine for different races to marry, providing they follow the golden rule - they have to love and care for each other, and not out to hurt anyone.
She said:
'Oh, okay.'
One day I heard her talking with a friend. The girl had called a classmate gay and Cha said, 'It's okay to be gay, as long as he's happy.' Right on, baby.
But it seems that I've been concentrating too much on the same sex coupling side of diversity. The other night she asked me:
'Mom, is it okay for a white person to marry a Chinese person?'
We've never really discussed race, which I guess is a good thing since it shows her that it's not really an issue. I told her that yes, it's totally fine for different races to marry, providing they follow the golden rule - they have to love and care for each other, and not out to hurt anyone.
She said:
'Oh, okay.'
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
journaling for the future
I started a journal for Cha before she was born. I'd write all the typical pregnancy details, telling her how much she was loved and wanted and then wrote out her birth story and her first few days of life. The journal includes ramblings on different topics I want her to know, and the 'real story' of things that are happening in her child hood. Such as, the real reason she's not allowed in a neighbor kid's house (because there are some drug issues and police involvement).
Such is the case for many new moms, I wrote in it pretty regularly for a while. And then I stopped. In my mind I didn't realize that I had stopped tho. Every night when I lay with her, putting her to bed, I write out in my mind journal entries. I draft them in my head with the intention of getting up once she fell asleep and put them down on paper. But then I'd fall asleep.
The other night I actually managed to stay awake and after she was out I got up and grabbed the book. I crept downstairs and sat on the couch to get caught up on my writing. I still can't believe what I saw.
The last entry in the book was September 29, 2006. The day of her first birthday. How is it possible that I haven't written anything in six years?! What was most disappointing was that I began the journal entry with how I was excited to celebrate her first birthday with.....
Then I stopped mid sentence. Ugh. I remember her first birthday clearly, tho I couldn't tell all the details. The food, the presents, her milestones. They are a faded memory. Not that it's necessarily important for her to know these things, but I actually enjoyed reading all the details up til that point. I had forgotten a bit of what was written, to be honest.
Such as this....when Cha was three weeks old we drove out west to introduce her to my parents and the rest of the family. I was a very nervous and unsure new mom and I was having a hard time with breastfeeding and pumping and making sure I wasn't breaking her. We were driving in Ohio and Cha had a massive blow out so we pulled over so I could change her. The blow out was so horrific that it was up her shirt, both front and back. The smell was almost blinding. I was not the most calm or graceful new mother so changing a mess of a diaper in the back seat of the car (did I mention it was 2 in the morning??) had me frazzled. Since I was a new mom and lacked experience I failed to pack a plastic bag to dispose of dirty diapers. There was no way I was going to keep that stink in the car so I threw it over my shoulder, onto the side of the side on the Ohio Turnpike. And that's when the state patrol pulled up and shined his light on me. I thought for sure he was going to arrest me for littering, or at least force me to go pick up the diaper. He got out of his car and started walking up to me. I cried out that my daughter had gotten sick and I had to change her clothes. He stopped dead in his tracks and thankfully kept his distance. He kept the spot light on me and waited for us to finish and drive off before he moved.
I tell this story to Cha every time we drive out west. She actually tells the story now and points out where it happened (she claims to remember the spot). Only it didn't happen in Ohio, it was Indiana, so says the journal. Thankfully the rest of it is correct.
So the other night I forced myself to stay up late and fill the journal in with the highlights of the last six years. I only got four years updated and skipped most of the details, which is sad because as they say the beauty is in the details.
Two days ago was the third anniversary of my brother's death. As expected, it hit me hard. I talked to Cha about him and I recounted some of my favorite memories. We talked about the drive out to my parent's house after he died and all the details surrounding that trip (including her calling the St. Louis Arch the castle where her brother lives). She asked how Uncle Keith died and I told her he was very sick and his body just broke down. That's enough to hold off a seven year old. In the journal however I wrote more detailed information regarding mental illness, depression and suicide. I'm hoping the 20 year old girl I imagine her to be when she reads this book will appreciate the honesty and agree that seven is a bit to young for such heavy topics. I also want her to know how powerfully strong her grandmother was, and understand how her death hit me so hard.
I'm looking forward to the day when she's old enough for adult conversations.
Such is the case for many new moms, I wrote in it pretty regularly for a while. And then I stopped. In my mind I didn't realize that I had stopped tho. Every night when I lay with her, putting her to bed, I write out in my mind journal entries. I draft them in my head with the intention of getting up once she fell asleep and put them down on paper. But then I'd fall asleep.
The other night I actually managed to stay awake and after she was out I got up and grabbed the book. I crept downstairs and sat on the couch to get caught up on my writing. I still can't believe what I saw.
The last entry in the book was September 29, 2006. The day of her first birthday. How is it possible that I haven't written anything in six years?! What was most disappointing was that I began the journal entry with how I was excited to celebrate her first birthday with.....
Then I stopped mid sentence. Ugh. I remember her first birthday clearly, tho I couldn't tell all the details. The food, the presents, her milestones. They are a faded memory. Not that it's necessarily important for her to know these things, but I actually enjoyed reading all the details up til that point. I had forgotten a bit of what was written, to be honest.
Such as this....when Cha was three weeks old we drove out west to introduce her to my parents and the rest of the family. I was a very nervous and unsure new mom and I was having a hard time with breastfeeding and pumping and making sure I wasn't breaking her. We were driving in Ohio and Cha had a massive blow out so we pulled over so I could change her. The blow out was so horrific that it was up her shirt, both front and back. The smell was almost blinding. I was not the most calm or graceful new mother so changing a mess of a diaper in the back seat of the car (did I mention it was 2 in the morning??) had me frazzled. Since I was a new mom and lacked experience I failed to pack a plastic bag to dispose of dirty diapers. There was no way I was going to keep that stink in the car so I threw it over my shoulder, onto the side of the side on the Ohio Turnpike. And that's when the state patrol pulled up and shined his light on me. I thought for sure he was going to arrest me for littering, or at least force me to go pick up the diaper. He got out of his car and started walking up to me. I cried out that my daughter had gotten sick and I had to change her clothes. He stopped dead in his tracks and thankfully kept his distance. He kept the spot light on me and waited for us to finish and drive off before he moved.
I tell this story to Cha every time we drive out west. She actually tells the story now and points out where it happened (she claims to remember the spot). Only it didn't happen in Ohio, it was Indiana, so says the journal. Thankfully the rest of it is correct.
So the other night I forced myself to stay up late and fill the journal in with the highlights of the last six years. I only got four years updated and skipped most of the details, which is sad because as they say the beauty is in the details.
Two days ago was the third anniversary of my brother's death. As expected, it hit me hard. I talked to Cha about him and I recounted some of my favorite memories. We talked about the drive out to my parent's house after he died and all the details surrounding that trip (including her calling the St. Louis Arch the castle where her brother lives). She asked how Uncle Keith died and I told her he was very sick and his body just broke down. That's enough to hold off a seven year old. In the journal however I wrote more detailed information regarding mental illness, depression and suicide. I'm hoping the 20 year old girl I imagine her to be when she reads this book will appreciate the honesty and agree that seven is a bit to young for such heavy topics. I also want her to know how powerfully strong her grandmother was, and understand how her death hit me so hard.
I'm looking forward to the day when she's old enough for adult conversations.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
getting there
This has been my 2012.
I am really looking forward to 2013. I'm excited to start a fresh new year.
I am really looking forward to 2013. I'm excited to start a fresh new year.
Friday, October 26, 2012
forty five
As much as I enjoy my daughter being seven, I am loving me being forty five. I've heard people say that as you get older you don't give a crap about things anymore. Age gives you the ability to say and do what you want, freely. I don't agree.
I will say that being 45 (much more than 44, 43, or even 40) has given me a buffer to not necessarily care how others feel about me. I am still sensitive to others and even more careful about how I behave, but my skin has grown thick. Snarky remarks or rude and sarcastic comments used to crush me. Now I have the ability to throw up my hands and say 'Oh well!'. That is something I could never do before my 45th birthday. It feels good.
I have watched many relationships slide away during the past five years. Some went quietly and naturally and others left with a loud boom. There are times past that I will cherish forever but everything happens for a reason and at the moment I am exactly where I am supposed to be and with who I am supposed to be with.
However, I do wish my body hadn't hit the wall and started breaking down. I feel like I'm aging on a fast track.
I will say that being 45 (much more than 44, 43, or even 40) has given me a buffer to not necessarily care how others feel about me. I am still sensitive to others and even more careful about how I behave, but my skin has grown thick. Snarky remarks or rude and sarcastic comments used to crush me. Now I have the ability to throw up my hands and say 'Oh well!'. That is something I could never do before my 45th birthday. It feels good.
I have watched many relationships slide away during the past five years. Some went quietly and naturally and others left with a loud boom. There are times past that I will cherish forever but everything happens for a reason and at the moment I am exactly where I am supposed to be and with who I am supposed to be with.
However, I do wish my body hadn't hit the wall and started breaking down. I feel like I'm aging on a fast track.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
seven
My darling girl is seven.
The other night at bedtime she read a book to me. I smiled at how well she read thinking back to when she was 3 and 4 and would cry because she couldn't read on her own.
We put the book down and I turned off the light. She rolled over and nuzzled me and then started chatting.
Cha: Mom, do you like to be called Mama or Mommy ?
Me: I like to be called whatever you feel like calling me.
Me: What do you like me to call you?
Cha: I like it when you call me Char or Baby Bear but I'd really like it if you called me Sunshine Bear because it reminds me of you singing You are My Sunshine every night and it makes me feel loved.
My sweet, little, innocent girl. At times she can be so challenging but she has the most amazing heart.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Monday night we went to our town's Halloween parade. She and I went alone while Matt stayed home studying. Driving around trying to find a parking space was tough. Especially since I forgot my glasses. I've got a bit of night blindness going on and some of our streets are barely lit. I asked Cha to help me look, since my glasses were at home. We eventually found a good spot and had fun at the parade.
Yesterday she had her 7 year well check. The first thing she said when we got in the car was 'Do you have your glasses?' I love how she knows me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We are having some issues with friends, or rather who should be considered friends. There are a group of girls who are not nice to her. She's become a target of sorts and it's super difficult to witness, much less experience. I've made calls to all the proper people but what it comes down to is that there are some not nice people in the world. There are people who are rude and mean, who want nothing more than to make you cry or feel uncomfortable about yourself. Those people can be nice and friendly and then suddenly strike out with unkind words leaving you to feel awful about yourself. Those people are not friends. They may invite you to play but that doesn't mean they have good intentions.
So my baby girl is learning about being the better person. About being polite and civil and being friendly to all. She is learning that people may not like you but that's okay. Not everyone has to like you and you don't have to like everyone.
She has wonderful friends both in and outside of school. She had a lovely birthday celebration with two of her BFFs from class. They went to a movie, then shopping and finally stopped for some frozen yogurt. There was lots of laughter and smiles and fun girl chatter. That, my dear Sunshine Bear, is what friendship is all about.
The other night at bedtime she read a book to me. I smiled at how well she read thinking back to when she was 3 and 4 and would cry because she couldn't read on her own.
We put the book down and I turned off the light. She rolled over and nuzzled me and then started chatting.
Cha: Mom, do you like to be called Mama or Mommy ?
Me: I like to be called whatever you feel like calling me.
Me: What do you like me to call you?
Cha: I like it when you call me Char or Baby Bear but I'd really like it if you called me Sunshine Bear because it reminds me of you singing You are My Sunshine every night and it makes me feel loved.
My sweet, little, innocent girl. At times she can be so challenging but she has the most amazing heart.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Monday night we went to our town's Halloween parade. She and I went alone while Matt stayed home studying. Driving around trying to find a parking space was tough. Especially since I forgot my glasses. I've got a bit of night blindness going on and some of our streets are barely lit. I asked Cha to help me look, since my glasses were at home. We eventually found a good spot and had fun at the parade.
Yesterday she had her 7 year well check. The first thing she said when we got in the car was 'Do you have your glasses?' I love how she knows me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We are having some issues with friends, or rather who should be considered friends. There are a group of girls who are not nice to her. She's become a target of sorts and it's super difficult to witness, much less experience. I've made calls to all the proper people but what it comes down to is that there are some not nice people in the world. There are people who are rude and mean, who want nothing more than to make you cry or feel uncomfortable about yourself. Those people can be nice and friendly and then suddenly strike out with unkind words leaving you to feel awful about yourself. Those people are not friends. They may invite you to play but that doesn't mean they have good intentions.
So my baby girl is learning about being the better person. About being polite and civil and being friendly to all. She is learning that people may not like you but that's okay. Not everyone has to like you and you don't have to like everyone.
She has wonderful friends both in and outside of school. She had a lovely birthday celebration with two of her BFFs from class. They went to a movie, then shopping and finally stopped for some frozen yogurt. There was lots of laughter and smiles and fun girl chatter. That, my dear Sunshine Bear, is what friendship is all about.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
biopsy okay
Got the results from the biopsy and there is no sign of cancer or pre-cancer but I still need surgery to remove some 'stuff'. There's a chance they may find something alarming but I'm sure they won't. I'm scheduled for the end of September so I guess I'm in a holding pattern until then.
In the meantime I am down, down, down. It's coming up on the 2nd anniversary of my mother's passing and My God does that hurt. I miss her so much.
I have lost many people in my life - grandparents, aunts, uncles, a brother, cousins, friends, neighbors, co-workers - and understandably my mother's death has hit me the hardest. But this loss feels so unnatural. Someone is in your life and then they're gone. I know I carry her in my heart, but she is still gone. Disappeared, and it feels very wrong.
There are days when I feel like I'm still in shock. Days where I re-live every moment of the weeks following her death. There are pictures of her all over the house and I look at her urn every morning. I am so thankful that I have that little piece of her, literally. It's physical proof that she existed. I think I just may have gone mad if I didn't have some of her remains.
Anyway, that's where I am.
In the meantime I am down, down, down. It's coming up on the 2nd anniversary of my mother's passing and My God does that hurt. I miss her so much.
I have lost many people in my life - grandparents, aunts, uncles, a brother, cousins, friends, neighbors, co-workers - and understandably my mother's death has hit me the hardest. But this loss feels so unnatural. Someone is in your life and then they're gone. I know I carry her in my heart, but she is still gone. Disappeared, and it feels very wrong.
There are days when I feel like I'm still in shock. Days where I re-live every moment of the weeks following her death. There are pictures of her all over the house and I look at her urn every morning. I am so thankful that I have that little piece of her, literally. It's physical proof that she existed. I think I just may have gone mad if I didn't have some of her remains.
Anyway, that's where I am.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
five years
This time five years ago I was fretting. You see, I was in total denial about breast cancer believing absolutely that I would get it. Since my early 20s or maybe even before I had a fear that I'd get breast cancer. I had my first mammogram at 30 and held on to the 'all clear' letter for many years. After Cha was born I had another and there was a little something but I was breastfeeding so they thought maybe that was it. When I went back the following year they found something a little 'iffy' and they told me to come back in six months for another look. That six months was February 2007. But I didn't/wouldn't/couldn't think about it. I swallowed the thought in hopes that it would just go away but it didn't. It was on my mind constantly yet I was too paralyzed with fear to do anything about it.
Until November 2007 when I had a near breakdown and finally called to make the appointment. I still had the script from my doctor, which was another daily reminder folded up in my wallet. The days leading up to that call and the hours waiting for the appointment were hell. One panic attack after another and many tears. I'm a bit embarrassed to admit that months after the diagnosis I felt a bit of relief that I could finally stop worrying about getting breast cancer. The rest is blog history.
And now here we are, very aware that that the big five year anniversary is right around the corner. I've been dreaming up fun ways to celebrate the day with Matt, Cha and I because really it's a big day for them as well. But first there's a bit of a bump.
I am once again waiting for biopsy results. This time in my lady parts. Something has been going on there for a while. But instead of swallowing the fear I've been keeping my doctor in the loop. You see, the breast cancer that was a constant worry for decades did not kill me. I had it, I survived it, and I moved on.
I'm not panicking about the results. In my heart I'm thinking it's going to turn out all clear. It could be my survivor status, five years of growth and experience, woman's intuition or maybe just the Zoloft but I know I'm going to be fine.
I'll keep you posted.
Until November 2007 when I had a near breakdown and finally called to make the appointment. I still had the script from my doctor, which was another daily reminder folded up in my wallet. The days leading up to that call and the hours waiting for the appointment were hell. One panic attack after another and many tears. I'm a bit embarrassed to admit that months after the diagnosis I felt a bit of relief that I could finally stop worrying about getting breast cancer. The rest is blog history.
And now here we are, very aware that that the big five year anniversary is right around the corner. I've been dreaming up fun ways to celebrate the day with Matt, Cha and I because really it's a big day for them as well. But first there's a bit of a bump.
I am once again waiting for biopsy results. This time in my lady parts. Something has been going on there for a while. But instead of swallowing the fear I've been keeping my doctor in the loop. You see, the breast cancer that was a constant worry for decades did not kill me. I had it, I survived it, and I moved on.
I'm not panicking about the results. In my heart I'm thinking it's going to turn out all clear. It could be my survivor status, five years of growth and experience, woman's intuition or maybe just the Zoloft but I know I'm going to be fine.
I'll keep you posted.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Thankful
So much to be thankful for!
1) I am thankful that on this day I have been lice-free for twenty days. This is big. Towards the end of the school year Cha came home with lice, which is an evil bastard that we battled daily for three weeks. We were picking nits every single day, doing chemical and natural treatments way more often than we should, threw away bedding, overworked the hot water setting on the washing machine, sent all stuffed animals and soft sofa pillows to exile and went thru several packets of vacuum cleaner bags during that time. We did everything we were told and tried everything that was suggested. We are all now lice experts and I pray each and every day that they keep their distance. So many tears.
2) I am thankful (truly blessed) for the week we were able to spend with my dad. Or rather, the week he spent with us. Every summer we drive out and visit him but this year I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead we invited my dad to come visit us and he did. He took the train, which was a whole new experience and we had a great time hanging out, laughing, playing games and just talking. It truly was a gift and I pray that he can do it again next year.
3) I am thankful that I made it to 45. Forty five is old, no longer even middle aged, but my mind still feels youthful and I can appreciate things (and people) like never before. I've learned to keep my mouth shut, allow people to fail and redeem themselves on their own, hold dear friends closely, trust my gut, slow down and think, and don't suffer fools gladly.
4) I am thankful for the 230k+ miles that my little Subaru gave us before it went kaput. That car gave us its all and it was appreciated. We traded her in for another Toyota so we are now a two Toyota family, and totally loving it.
5) I am thankful (as always) for Craigslist for helping to bring the perfect desk into our home. The beautiful roll top desk which was purchased for $30 but didn't quite fit the family was traded for another beautiful desk which fits perfectly. It's big, but not too big, comfortable, and exactly what we needed.
6) I am thankful for my circle of friends, including those in the outer regions who help keep our small town life interesting and grounded while helping to keep our time at the local pool entertaining.
7) I am thankful for forgiveness, both received and given. I have learned that it's enough to forgive without amends being made by either party. Sometimes nothing else needs to be said, and that's okay.
8) I am thankful for a power air conditoning unit which keeps our home comfortable in these extreme 90+ degree temps. Holy Toledo it's hot!
9) I am thankful for the local library for allowing me to check out all formats of books, including audio which helps keep me sane during my new 24 mile commute. Our office moved and whereas I used to be a wonderful 8 miles from the office, I am now 24 miles away and have to take the dreaded Schuylkill Expressway to Philly. Audio books keep my mind off the craziness of the roads.
10) I am thankful for my life. I am alive.
1) I am thankful that on this day I have been lice-free for twenty days. This is big. Towards the end of the school year Cha came home with lice, which is an evil bastard that we battled daily for three weeks. We were picking nits every single day, doing chemical and natural treatments way more often than we should, threw away bedding, overworked the hot water setting on the washing machine, sent all stuffed animals and soft sofa pillows to exile and went thru several packets of vacuum cleaner bags during that time. We did everything we were told and tried everything that was suggested. We are all now lice experts and I pray each and every day that they keep their distance. So many tears.
2) I am thankful (truly blessed) for the week we were able to spend with my dad. Or rather, the week he spent with us. Every summer we drive out and visit him but this year I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead we invited my dad to come visit us and he did. He took the train, which was a whole new experience and we had a great time hanging out, laughing, playing games and just talking. It truly was a gift and I pray that he can do it again next year.
3) I am thankful that I made it to 45. Forty five is old, no longer even middle aged, but my mind still feels youthful and I can appreciate things (and people) like never before. I've learned to keep my mouth shut, allow people to fail and redeem themselves on their own, hold dear friends closely, trust my gut, slow down and think, and don't suffer fools gladly.
4) I am thankful for the 230k+ miles that my little Subaru gave us before it went kaput. That car gave us its all and it was appreciated. We traded her in for another Toyota so we are now a two Toyota family, and totally loving it.
5) I am thankful (as always) for Craigslist for helping to bring the perfect desk into our home. The beautiful roll top desk which was purchased for $30 but didn't quite fit the family was traded for another beautiful desk which fits perfectly. It's big, but not too big, comfortable, and exactly what we needed.
6) I am thankful for my circle of friends, including those in the outer regions who help keep our small town life interesting and grounded while helping to keep our time at the local pool entertaining.
7) I am thankful for forgiveness, both received and given. I have learned that it's enough to forgive without amends being made by either party. Sometimes nothing else needs to be said, and that's okay.
8) I am thankful for a power air conditoning unit which keeps our home comfortable in these extreme 90+ degree temps. Holy Toledo it's hot!
9) I am thankful for the local library for allowing me to check out all formats of books, including audio which helps keep me sane during my new 24 mile commute. Our office moved and whereas I used to be a wonderful 8 miles from the office, I am now 24 miles away and have to take the dreaded Schuylkill Expressway to Philly. Audio books keep my mind off the craziness of the roads.
10) I am thankful for my life. I am alive.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Friday, May 4, 2012
good night my someone, good night my love
The first post ever in this blog was written after putting my little ChaCha Bear to bed. Bedtimes have always been a long process and whereas sometimes (many times) I have a long list of end-of-day duties that need to be done, I treasure that time with her. Our bedtime ritual usually lasts 30-40 minutes but on occasion she's been asleep within 10 minutes of walking in her bedroom door.
Read
Turn off the light
Talk briefly about the day
Sing lullabies
Rub her back and massage her head
Zzzzzzzz
There are a half dozen lullabies that I sing with my terrible and shaky voice. When she was around two she started asking me to sing the ABC song, which is an odd choice but I can see how it can be soothing.
I can still hear her so clearly. 'Sing ABC Mommy.'
I would lay down next to her, gently rub or tickle her back and sing the Alphabet Song while watching her fall into a deep and peaceful toddler sleep. Then I'd slip out of the room and finish my mommy tasks.
She sleeps with a nightlight. It's a glowing teddy bear that we call Bear Light. Bear Light and Pillow Pet are bedtime requirements, along with the books and songs.
Last week she told me she's too old for a nightlight so she tried to sleep without it, but grew scared. I told her I need Bear Light because sometimes I sneak into her room to watch her sleep and kiss her on the forehead, and I couldn't do it without a nightlight. She's now free to keep Bear Light and blame it on me.
twinkle, twinkle little Char
how i wonder where you are
up above the world so high
like a diamond in the sky
twinkle, twinkle little Char
how i wonder where you are
I love bedtime.
Read
Turn off the light
Talk briefly about the day
Sing lullabies
Rub her back and massage her head
Zzzzzzzz
There are a half dozen lullabies that I sing with my terrible and shaky voice. When she was around two she started asking me to sing the ABC song, which is an odd choice but I can see how it can be soothing.
I can still hear her so clearly. 'Sing ABC Mommy.'
I would lay down next to her, gently rub or tickle her back and sing the Alphabet Song while watching her fall into a deep and peaceful toddler sleep. Then I'd slip out of the room and finish my mommy tasks.
She sleeps with a nightlight. It's a glowing teddy bear that we call Bear Light. Bear Light and Pillow Pet are bedtime requirements, along with the books and songs.
Last week she told me she's too old for a nightlight so she tried to sleep without it, but grew scared. I told her I need Bear Light because sometimes I sneak into her room to watch her sleep and kiss her on the forehead, and I couldn't do it without a nightlight. She's now free to keep Bear Light and blame it on me.
twinkle, twinkle little Char
how i wonder where you are
up above the world so high
like a diamond in the sky
twinkle, twinkle little Char
how i wonder where you are
I love bedtime.
Monday, April 23, 2012
hey kid
i am sad thinking about you. i wish i could do something to pick you up out of this nightmare and give you a better life. a life where you love yourself and you feel confident that people love and care about you. and protect you. especially protect you.
but i am just a person and i cannot do all that i want to do. i wish i had an endless supply of patience, money, time, and strength but i don't. i have love but that has been proven not to be enough. i wish it were.
i think about you often and pray for your future. please reach out to me.
but i am just a person and i cannot do all that i want to do. i wish i had an endless supply of patience, money, time, and strength but i don't. i have love but that has been proven not to be enough. i wish it were.
i think about you often and pray for your future. please reach out to me.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
April 21
Dear Mom,
Happy 70th Birthday. This is the second birthday since you have passed and I'm just going to continue counting. Had you still been here with us I wonder what we would have done to celebrate your big day. I wonder where you'd be living and how healthy you would be. I wonder if your children would still be talking to each other or your grandchildren for that matter. And I wonder if you're spending today with your birthday buddy Aunt Florence, as you always do. Tell her happy birthday from Cha and I and give her a hug on her first birthday in heaven.
Seven years ago when Matt and I were getting married and I picked your birthday as our anniversary I had no idea how emotional this day could be. I hadn't thought out what would happen with our anniversary after you had passed, and how there would forever be a twinge of sadness. My first thought this morning was not 'Happy Anniversary to my darling husband' it was 'It's Mom's birthday.' We will be having fun and enjoying the day to honor both special occasions but if I could turn back time I'd make sure that each received their own day.
I miss you terribly and still think of you every day. I have your wedding ring on a chain and on days when we have something fun scheduled I wear you around my neck so you can join us. I don't have to take pictures of your granddaughter and send them to you, because you are there watching every moment.
A funny story - I keep your urn on my bookcase, right next to Brother Keith. A while back Cha and I turned the music up and were dancing from her room to ours. She was really bouncing and when I looked up at the bookcase Keith's urn was rocking back and forth. What a dancing fool. I took a video of it and really should post it because it was funny.
This weekend we are planting flowers, going to brunch, stopping by a book reading and attending the Dogwood Pageant. And missing you. Tonight we're baking a little cake in your honor.
I love you and miss you and am grateful for the life you gave me.
Happy 70th Birthday. This is the second birthday since you have passed and I'm just going to continue counting. Had you still been here with us I wonder what we would have done to celebrate your big day. I wonder where you'd be living and how healthy you would be. I wonder if your children would still be talking to each other or your grandchildren for that matter. And I wonder if you're spending today with your birthday buddy Aunt Florence, as you always do. Tell her happy birthday from Cha and I and give her a hug on her first birthday in heaven.
Seven years ago when Matt and I were getting married and I picked your birthday as our anniversary I had no idea how emotional this day could be. I hadn't thought out what would happen with our anniversary after you had passed, and how there would forever be a twinge of sadness. My first thought this morning was not 'Happy Anniversary to my darling husband' it was 'It's Mom's birthday.' We will be having fun and enjoying the day to honor both special occasions but if I could turn back time I'd make sure that each received their own day.
I miss you terribly and still think of you every day. I have your wedding ring on a chain and on days when we have something fun scheduled I wear you around my neck so you can join us. I don't have to take pictures of your granddaughter and send them to you, because you are there watching every moment.
A funny story - I keep your urn on my bookcase, right next to Brother Keith. A while back Cha and I turned the music up and were dancing from her room to ours. She was really bouncing and when I looked up at the bookcase Keith's urn was rocking back and forth. What a dancing fool. I took a video of it and really should post it because it was funny.
This weekend we are planting flowers, going to brunch, stopping by a book reading and attending the Dogwood Pageant. And missing you. Tonight we're baking a little cake in your honor.
I love you and miss you and am grateful for the life you gave me.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Stop Mom!!
This is life with a six year old girl.Cha and I were crossing the street recently and she screams Stop Mom! I look down and she tells me: The yellow is hot lava. Don't step on it.
She has a very active imagination and the girl is always thinking (and talking and singing and moving).
It's a joy to experience but it's also exhausting.
Love her bunches.
Monday, March 19, 2012
thank you stuart smalley
So I mentioned that Cha was being one very difficult child not too long ago. She was getting several 'stop and think' signs at school every week and has been overall quite challenging. We tried taking away TV, games, books, riding lessons, girl scout meetings, desserts, etc. and nothing seemed to work. We talked to her about behaving and being a polite, respectful girl but she would respond that she was a bad kid.
Matt was calling her every morning to say hello and talk about the day. He'd tell her to have fun and mention something neat they'd be doing after school and say he'd meet her at the bus. Just positive chit chat. It was good but she was still getting in trouble. On the days when she got a 'stop and think' she'd be practically crying as she got off the bus, as she knew she'd have to tell her dad. One day she left her folder on the bus because she didn't want us to see the bad mark. She lied and told us her teacher didn't give homework so they didn't need to bring their folders home. It took me ten minutes to figure out what happened. We'd talk to her and she would groan that she didn't know how to be good, because she was a bad kid.
We knew we had to break her of that thinking so we pulled a Stuart Smalley on her. Every morning she and I do a little positive affirmation. The first week I tried she was very angry and would turn everything around. I'd ask her to say 'I'm a very good kid.' and she's say she was a bad kid. She's now playing along and enjoying it and I have to say it has made a huge different. She went from 3 time outs a week to none. Woo hoo!!
This is what she says every morning on the drive to school.
My name is Cha
I am smart
I am funny
I am pretty
I know how to behave
I get along well with my friends
People like me
I am going to have a great day!
We'll mix it up and sometimes I will throw in things like 'Tonight we're doing to ice cream after dinner' or 'I am going to the park with K when I get home.' She loves the surprises and I love how she's happy and smiling when she gets out of the car.
So, thank you Stuart Smalley.
Matt was calling her every morning to say hello and talk about the day. He'd tell her to have fun and mention something neat they'd be doing after school and say he'd meet her at the bus. Just positive chit chat. It was good but she was still getting in trouble. On the days when she got a 'stop and think' she'd be practically crying as she got off the bus, as she knew she'd have to tell her dad. One day she left her folder on the bus because she didn't want us to see the bad mark. She lied and told us her teacher didn't give homework so they didn't need to bring their folders home. It took me ten minutes to figure out what happened. We'd talk to her and she would groan that she didn't know how to be good, because she was a bad kid.
We knew we had to break her of that thinking so we pulled a Stuart Smalley on her. Every morning she and I do a little positive affirmation. The first week I tried she was very angry and would turn everything around. I'd ask her to say 'I'm a very good kid.' and she's say she was a bad kid. She's now playing along and enjoying it and I have to say it has made a huge different. She went from 3 time outs a week to none. Woo hoo!!
This is what she says every morning on the drive to school.
My name is Cha
I am smart
I am funny
I am pretty
I know how to behave
I get along well with my friends
People like me
I am going to have a great day!
We'll mix it up and sometimes I will throw in things like 'Tonight we're doing to ice cream after dinner' or 'I am going to the park with K when I get home.' She loves the surprises and I love how she's happy and smiling when she gets out of the car.
So, thank you Stuart Smalley.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Happy Birthday George!
We made several visits to Valley Forge National Park this weekend to celebrate President's Day. They hosted a birthday party for George Washington complete with artillery demonstration (those canons are LOUD), reenactors, crafts for the kids, lots of music and cake for the big guy himself.
The weather was perfect and we had a fabulous time. I love being surrounded by so much history.
Friday, February 10, 2012
friday!
Tonight is Friday and fun will be had. We're picking up the tastiest veggie stromboli ever from Giovannis , dropping Cha off at the Y, and then heading out for movie night. The house will be guarded by the two animals above. I am confident that anyone trying to sneak in will be immediately weakened by their cuteness.
Thank you for Friday!
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
just say no
Some days I just want to sit Cha down and explain in great detail why I feel that drugs are bad. I want to pull out pictures, videos, facts and figures and tell her personal stories of how drug use and abuse has ruined lives of people she knows and loves. And I want to tell her every single day to Just Say No. Not that I will have much control over it but I want that information in her databank so she can think about it when the time comes.
We had the drugs, alcohol and cigarettes conversation and she knows how her father and I feel about them. But sometimes I feel the need to Scared Straight her, before she even gets a chance to stray.
Yesterday I saw a girl who broke a little piece of my heart. She's a girl from my neighborhood, a casual acquaintance I met years ago. Back then she was a fresh faced babysitter who was flirting with the wrong crowd. Fast forward several months and she's living with someone who was arrested for manufacturing and distributing drugs. A few months later the two of them are physically fighting in front of my house. Then one day she's pregnant, they get evicted and are forced to find an even less desirable living arrangement.
I continued to see her around town, waiting tables and cashiering at several different places. She was a hard worker juggling two jobs and taking care of her child. I'd ask about her life and her baby and she always said things were good. I never asked about the boyfriend.
She was someone Cha knew. The girl babysat for her friends and they'd see each other on the playground. If I were to say the girl's name now I'm sure Cha would remember her.
Yesterday the girl was barely recognizable. My jaw seriously hit the floor when I realized who she was. She was a Faces of Meth poster come to life and it was disturbing. The hair was a mess, the face looked beaten up, she weighed less than a 100 lbs and she was wearing pajamas that were hanging off her. She was stumbling up to a customer service counter to purchase lottery tickets. I did not have the heart to stop and say hello. All I could do was stare and wish that Cha was standing next to me so I could point to the girl and show her what drugs can do to you.
And of course pray for the girl's mother.
We had the drugs, alcohol and cigarettes conversation and she knows how her father and I feel about them. But sometimes I feel the need to Scared Straight her, before she even gets a chance to stray.
Yesterday I saw a girl who broke a little piece of my heart. She's a girl from my neighborhood, a casual acquaintance I met years ago. Back then she was a fresh faced babysitter who was flirting with the wrong crowd. Fast forward several months and she's living with someone who was arrested for manufacturing and distributing drugs. A few months later the two of them are physically fighting in front of my house. Then one day she's pregnant, they get evicted and are forced to find an even less desirable living arrangement.
I continued to see her around town, waiting tables and cashiering at several different places. She was a hard worker juggling two jobs and taking care of her child. I'd ask about her life and her baby and she always said things were good. I never asked about the boyfriend.
She was someone Cha knew. The girl babysat for her friends and they'd see each other on the playground. If I were to say the girl's name now I'm sure Cha would remember her.
Yesterday the girl was barely recognizable. My jaw seriously hit the floor when I realized who she was. She was a Faces of Meth poster come to life and it was disturbing. The hair was a mess, the face looked beaten up, she weighed less than a 100 lbs and she was wearing pajamas that were hanging off her. She was stumbling up to a customer service counter to purchase lottery tickets. I did not have the heart to stop and say hello. All I could do was stare and wish that Cha was standing next to me so I could point to the girl and show her what drugs can do to you.
And of course pray for the girl's mother.
Monday, January 30, 2012
a perfect moment
I had a perfect moment recently and was lucky enough to realize it.
We took Cha to her first horse riding lesson. It's something she's been dreaming about for a long while. The lessons were a Christmas present from us and she's been talking about them daily ('How many more days now??'). She was shaking with excitement the day of her lesson and we were pretty pumped too.
Matt and I stood in the observation area while our little girl circled the ring. She showed great confidence and balance and took in everything the instructor threw at her. We could see her smile from 100 yards away.
Our sweet little girl was blissfully happy, and my goodness did that feel good.
I am so blessed.
We took Cha to her first horse riding lesson. It's something she's been dreaming about for a long while. The lessons were a Christmas present from us and she's been talking about them daily ('How many more days now??'). She was shaking with excitement the day of her lesson and we were pretty pumped too.
Matt and I stood in the observation area while our little girl circled the ring. She showed great confidence and balance and took in everything the instructor threw at her. We could see her smile from 100 yards away.
Our sweet little girl was blissfully happy, and my goodness did that feel good.
I am so blessed.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Help!!!
We are having some um, 'behavior' issues at the moment. And they aren't the easy ones that can be managed with a three minute time out. My parenting philosophy has always been not to break her spirit, to respect her as a separate person and raise her to do unto others as you would have others do unto you. At this very moment I feel like that path is smacking me right in the face. I feel like a failure, like her independent nature, outspokeness and center-of-the-world-ness, as well as her inability to listen and follow directions are the direct result of me not being more stern and disciplined in the early days.
I am reluctant to call her a brat because she has a good heart and is capable of being kind, loving, and well-behaved but there are those moments, which seem to be lasting weeks on end, where she is intolerable. She is getting in trouble regularly at school. She cannot sit still or remain quiet, refusing to follow direction and she's hitting and kicking friends. She knows if she gets what amounts to a 'time out' at school she is punished at home. One time out equals no TV, two time outs and toys are taken away, three time outs and activities are cancelled. Today is a big day for her. If she comes home with another bad report we are canceling her horse riding lesson for next week. I really, really, really hate to do that because we are looking forward to it as much as she is, but something has to be done.
It's reached the point where I am thinking a professional needs to sit down and talk to her. Maybe they can find out if there's something deep down that is bothering her and causing this terrible behavior or if there's some magic trick for us to kick start her good-naturedness. I am at wits' end.
I am reluctant to call her a brat because she has a good heart and is capable of being kind, loving, and well-behaved but there are those moments, which seem to be lasting weeks on end, where she is intolerable. She is getting in trouble regularly at school. She cannot sit still or remain quiet, refusing to follow direction and she's hitting and kicking friends. She knows if she gets what amounts to a 'time out' at school she is punished at home. One time out equals no TV, two time outs and toys are taken away, three time outs and activities are cancelled. Today is a big day for her. If she comes home with another bad report we are canceling her horse riding lesson for next week. I really, really, really hate to do that because we are looking forward to it as much as she is, but something has to be done.
It's reached the point where I am thinking a professional needs to sit down and talk to her. Maybe they can find out if there's something deep down that is bothering her and causing this terrible behavior or if there's some magic trick for us to kick start her good-naturedness. I am at wits' end.
Friday, January 6, 2012
gottahava wawa (and a good cry)
I work from home on Fridays. I usually start the day by dropping off Cha at school (or the bus) and running to Wawa for coffee. Wawa is our local convenience store, similar to 7-11, Circle-K or am-pm and in my not so humble opinion, they have the best coffee on the planet. They are a mini town center, where you can meet and greet your neighbors and get caught up in what's going on in the 'hood. They are also just about the only place where I feel comfortable wearing PJs in public.The store was especially crowded this morning, tho I couldn't tell you why. Three registers were open with the same three cashiers I see every week. The lotto machine was down and customers were joking with employees about how it got broken. I got third in line behind a guy who also had a cup of coffee in hand. A buddy of his tapped him on the shoulder and asked if he could cover a 24 oz cup. He said go ahead and the buddy went to the back of the store to get his coffee.
One of the assistant managers announced to us that another line was open with no waiting, but I didn't want to move, and neither did the guy ahead of me. When he got to the front of the line the cashier said hello and asked if he wanted cigarettes, his regular order. He said yes and thank you and then the cashier said she hadn't seen him in a while and asked where he'd been. He said his father just died, pancreatic cancer, he fought for 18 months. The guy was out for three weeks helping with the arrangements and spending time with his mom.
When his transaction was finished his buddy called out from behind me about his coffee. The guy said he forgot and asked the cashier to ring him up. She did and he turned to me and apologized. Behind my tears I told him no problem and that I was sorry about his dad and that I had just lost my mother too. He said thanks.
Nearly a year and a half later and the pain of losing my mother still feels 'just'. When the guy left the cashier said 'You may think you may be, but you're never ready to lose a parent.' All I could say is 'Cancer sucks'.
I'll be enjoying my coffee over a good cry.
Miss you mom.
Monday, January 2, 2012
my sleeping babies
Cha and Puppy had a rough start to the year. They both woke feeling a little less than 100%. Here's a picture of them napping on my floor mid-morning. They bounced back quickly and spent today chasing each other and having fun.
May 2012 be the best year ever.
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