Wednesday, September 5, 2012

biopsy okay

Got the results from the biopsy and there is no sign of cancer or pre-cancer but I still need surgery to remove some 'stuff'.  There's a chance they may find something alarming but I'm sure they won't.  I'm scheduled for the end of September so I guess I'm in a holding pattern until then.

In the meantime I am down, down, down.   It's coming up on the 2nd anniversary of my mother's passing and My God does that hurt.  I miss her so much.

I have lost many people in my life - grandparents, aunts, uncles, a brother, cousins, friends, neighbors, co-workers - and understandably my mother's death has hit me the hardest.  But this loss feels so unnatural.  Someone is in your life and then they're gone.  I know I carry her in my heart, but she is still gone.  Disappeared, and it feels very wrong.  

There are days when I feel like I'm still in shock.  Days where I re-live every moment of the weeks following her death. There are pictures of her all over the house and I look at her urn every morning.  I am so thankful that I have that little piece of her, literally.  It's physical proof that she existed.  I think I just may have gone mad if I didn't have some of her remains.  

Anyway, that's where I am.