my year in review

It's New Years Eve and I am wide awake. I went to dinner with some girlfriends tonight and had a fabulous time chatting and laughing but ate entirely too much food. My belly is having words with me and they ain't pretty.

So, I'll do as so many other bloggers do and post a quick year in review and maybe a few goals for 2012. Hopefully by the end of this post I will have earned some forgiveness from my digestive system and will be able to peacefully drift off to sleep.

In a word 2011 was traumatic. There were plenty of good times but the shockingly bad times really took center stage. Several events kicked my ass and made me step back and take an extreme look at myself, my actions, my beliefs and my character. I found plenty that I didn't like but I also made myself face the good that I had been overlooking, and refusing to foster.

The best of 2011: a wedding, a zoo trip, a lost 21 lbs, a new puppy, a lost first tooth, a first day in first grade, a halloween party, a healthy spouse, hugs from my dad, laughter with cousins, kisses with a baby, rummikub, scary water rides, a surprise birthday party, a rain soaked camping trip, kind words from friends, a swim in the lake, a celebration of life, final words, new friends, old friends, life-long friends, a truthful exchange, new neighbors, a cabin in the woods, words with friends, a loving husband, a remarkable child.

I need to be better to myself, my husband and my child. I need to focus on my family of three and what benefits us the most. I need to speak up for myself in a kind and loving way and be more generous to the world.

In 2012 my goals are:

1. Try to remember it's quality not quantity, every time.
2. Be a vegetarian for 30 days.
3. Hit that gym 3 days a week (at least!)
4. Volunteer five hours a month.
5. Surround myself with good people.
6. Date night with the hubby twice a month (at least!)
7. Let it Go.

My motto for 2012:

Before you speak ask yourself if what you are going to say is true, is kind, is necessary, is helpful. If the answer is no, maybe what you are about to say should be left unsaid.
~ Bernard Meltzer

December Happiness

This month is about accentuating the positive. I've hit a few speed bumps lately and I am trying to let it all go and surround myself with good things and good people.

Matt and I spread a little Christmas cheer last weekend. It was selfless and random and gave both of us the warm and fuzzies. We need to do more of that year round.

Earlier this month Cha and I went Christmas caroling at a local senior center. It was precious beyond words and I had to stop several times to catch my breath. I was trying so hard not to cry that I couldn't breathe. One of the little girls who was singing with us kept watching my tears and asking what was wrong. I told her the singing was so beautiful it made me cry.

Matt and Cha went to the aquarium and had an amazing time. Matt wanted to take her to the Museum of Art but Cha said she wanted to touch a sting ray, so that's what they did. They also pet sharks, star fish and sea cucumbers. I had a Daisy meeting so I couldn't join them, but next time for sure.

A few weeks ago we attended the Phoenixville Firebird Festival. It's a must-see for anyone in the area. We started the night walking around town looking at all the crafts and street performers, had a tasty meal, sat for a quick chat with Santa then watched that bird burn. Fun night.

~ making ornaments at busy bees pottery ~

~ petting baby sharks at the camden aquarium ~

~ watching the phoenix go up in flames ~

~ gansta girls out on the town ~

~ dinner at mollys ~

~ a chat with an old friend ~

~ how is my baby girl so grown up? ~

As I write this it's nearly one in the morning and I am sitting next to the Christmas tree. I am mesmerized by it's patches of light. Several years ago we got a pre-lit tree. The kitties and the puppy have done a number on it and chewed up many of the wires and branches. This tree will have a very short life. It's still beautiful and gives off a spiritual glow.

Tomorrow we have a playdate with friends followed by a Christmas celebration with family. Christmas morning we will be waking up in our own house and watching Cha ooooh and ahhhh over her presents then spend the afternoon with more family.

There are many positives in my life and I am very blessed.

Four Years Today

I got the call four years ago. I spent the early part of the day waiting for the phone to ring. I had the biopsy on Monday December 1, 2007 and the doctor said he'd have the results in 3-7 days. Four years ago today made it a Thursday and day 4. I impatiently called Dr. K at noon to see if there was any word. I was told that he was seeing patients and would call me back shortly.

It was after hours when he called. I was sitting down in front of my computer chatting with some of the September Moms. He read the results and I stopped breathing when I heard the word carcinoma. I remember typing out to the Moms 'Yep, it's cancer' and then I signed off, while still on the phone with him.

Dr. K handled it very well. I have no problem with not being asked to come in and get the details in person. Over the phone worked best for me because I could break down in my own surroundings, which of course I did.

I was alone when I got the news and shortly after I hung up the phone there was a knock at the door. It was one of my neighbors who asked to use the phone. My face was wet with tears and I know I must have looked stunned. I blurted out 'I just found out I have cancer.' He gave me a hug and said he was sorry. Looking back I feel so bad for him. He just needed to use the phone for a quick minute (theirs had been turned off) and now he was standing next to an emotional volcano. Poor guy.

They say I'm pretty much in the clear after five years but tonight I'm going to treat myself to some ice cream.

Sharing

In December 2007 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was open with the details and shared them with anyone who was interested. In turn I heard from many friends, family and near strangers who had similar experiences. I learned much from those who shared their stories. It made a difficult time easier..

In pretty much all of 2008 (and beyond) I battled with anxiety and depression. I did not hide the fact but was too paralyzed with fear to speak much about it. I could not bring myself to share many of the details. I posted a link recently that sums it up perfectly tho I did not have the words to describe it when it was happening. However, what little I did share was met by a virtual crowd of people screaming 'been there, done that'. I had no idea depression and anxiety were that common.

In November 2009 my brother took his own life via self immolation. I shared the news with everyone. I was shocked to hear the whispers of people who had lost loved ones to suicide or who had made attempts in the past themselves. It happens more than you know. I went to support groups to share my experience and to listen to others who felt my pain. For me, talking was the best medicine.

In September 2010 I lost my mother. The time leading up to her death was incredibly painful. I knew it was happening yet I could not bring myself to talk about it. There were a few emails to close girlfriends about my fears and perhaps an extra cocktail or two when I really didn't want to think about the reality. I was not in denial I was just tired of putting myself out there, again. Quite frankly, the pain is exhausting.

What I have learned most since December 2007 is the importance of being open and sharing. Keeping things inside, whether they are feelings or secrets, is dangerous. After my brother killed himself a friend shared that her boyfriend took his own life 20 years ago, while they were together. She did not tell her family and kept the details of his death secret from his friends. Twenty years later she's still carrying the same pain.

Not too long ago I learned that someone I love was abused in a very horrendous way. I shared the pain with my girlfriends because I needed to talk about it. I could not keep it inside. The pain was too much. And as always, the story was met with a loud roar of 'it happened to me too'. Who knew I had my own little support group of women who were abused when they were girls.

I have not found one feeling or experience that I've had that hasn't been validated by another person. And that's kinda what it's about, the validation. If I have it alone I must be insanely crazy, on the verge of losing my mind. If others have it as well, knowing there's a connection helps things hurt a little bit less.

Some have accused me of over-sharing or giving way too much information. That may be true but the more I share the better I feel, and I know that my words have felt others feel better as well.

Happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving Hike along the Schuylkill River

Happy Thanksgiving!

that's messed up

So the mom I mentioned a few days ago, the one who died? Well, she's alive. I can't even imagine what prompted whomever to post an obituary for a living person. The paper has since taken it down but it was up long enough for many people in the community to take note. It was up long enough for damage to be done.

A friend was kind enough to tell me over the phone. She wanted to make sure I heard the news before I stepped outside my house one day and saw a dead person walking around. In my current state of grief and missing my own mother terribly, I'm not sure how I'd respond. And what about my child who was told that the woman passed away, like Grandma and Uncle Keith and Aunt Florence and Pap Pap and Cousin Bobby? Will she suddenly think that there's a chance that all dead people will come back to the land of the living? I refuse to think of what the woman's children are dealing with and what they are forced to handle. Too much pain.

Death is much easier to explain than the mental illness that leads a person to publicly announce a death that did not happen.

Giving Thanks (part two)

16. I am thankful for my many years of therapy. There were times when I felt like I wasn't quite right in the head and quite possibly the most messed up person on the planet. Thanks to my therapist(s) I learned that I'm actually rather normal and my brain is on straight. I know I have issues and maybe a character flaw or two that need to be worked on, but overall I'm pretty balanced. It's nice to have someone keep you in check.

17. I am thankful for the open road and endless possibilities. I love road trips and it's comforting knowing that family is only a drive away, even if I don't have anything scheduled.

18. I am thankful for snail mail. The USPS announced recently that rates will be increasing in 2012. A regular first class letter will now be $0.45. Some may gripe since it seems that rates go up every year, but I think it's fine. I think first class stamps should be $0.50 and the extra nickle be used to upgrade outdated equipment and streamline the whole process. Nothing beats getting a letter or card in the mail.

19. I am thankful for the pricey pre-lit Christmas tree we bought on clearance several years ago. I think it was 80% off so we paid less than $40. We set the tree up over the weekend and I love how easy it was to assemble, without having to mess with a tangled string of lights. I was a live-tree girl for many years but with a child and house full of pets, I got tired of the clean-up.

20. I am thankful for my DVR and before that a string of VCRs that allowed me to keep up to date on my soaps. I've been watching my soaps regularly for over 30 years. For the last fifteen years I've been able to follow daily by recording and getting caught up at night or on weekends. In January my most treasured soap (OLTL) will be going away. It may be just one less show for my DVR to record, but it's going to leave a big void. I'm not quite sure how I'll adjust.

21. I am thankful for Words with Friends for keeping me entertained in the middle of the night when Puppy is awake, needing to pee or has too much energy. It's also come in handy in the doctor's office, the grocery check out, and while dinner is cooking. I play with family, friends or random people. Some games take a week to finish and others are over in a day. If you play please challenge me to a game. Username: jonijenks

22. I am thankful for Cha's grandparents for taking her for sleepovers. Cha loves her Mimi and Pa and I am grateful that they are local and have built such a beautiful relationship with her. I cherish the time I spent with my grandmother and it's important to me that Cha has memories of her grandmother as well.

23. I am thankful for Travis, who found a litter of kittens in his front yard 11 years ago and brought them into the office to share. One of those kittens was my Evil Kitty who has been there for all the highs and lows during the last decade. She took many weekend trips to NYC with me while I tried to salvage my first marriage and sat in judgment when Matt first walked in my door. I knew he was a keeper when Evil (who basically dislikes all people) climbed up on Matt's lap and took a nap. She is one wise old (and grumpy) kitty and I am tremendously grateful to Travis for bringing her to me.

24. I am thankful for my washer and dryer. They have gotten quite a work out the last two months since we've brought puppy home. It feels like I am always washing bedding or towels. With the cold weather coming up, I imagine they'll be working harder than ever with not only our dirty, muddy clothes but also the towels to clean up after a muddy puppy who loves to dig.

25. I am thankful for the 40+ years that I had with my mother.

26. I am thankful for CNET and their honest reviews. We're looking at buying a tablet for the family for Christmas. We started out looking for a small video game for Cha but realized that a tablet offers much more (games, music, movies, tv, internet, etc.) for around the same price. I *think* Santa will be bring Cha (and mom and dad) an HTC Flyer for Christmas.

27. I am thankful for all the time and energy my father spends on the family calendars. He does several calendars a year for the different branches of my family tree. It's a huge task compiling and updating the data and picking just the right pictures but the calendars are always well received. He has already begun printing them out and I look forward to seeing next year's calendar girls/boys.

28. I am thankful for the luxury of having a roof over my head and food on my table. I know in the current economy those aren't items to take for granted.

29. I am thankful for my sister-in-law who gave us a bench and blanket earlier this year. The blanket says 'We may not have it all together but together we have it all.' Very true.

30. I am thankful that 2011 is nearing its end and that 2012 holds great hope and opportunity.

be gentle on my girl

Our neighbor just died. She was 32 and left behind four kids. Cha played with her kids and I talked to her regularly on the playground or bus stop.

This morning I had to tell Cha that her friend's mother had died. With every cell in my body I wanted to make her feel better by saying that her mom and dad were not going to die. But that would be a lie, because one day we will and we have no idea when that will be. It could happen in 40 years or it could happen this afternoon. I just don't want Cha to have those thoughts in her head. She already struggles with nightmares and separation anxiety. I am pained thinking about how frightened she feels when she's alone. I need my baby to feel safe.

I keep a private journal for her and hope she'll read it many years from now, after I'm gone. That's my plan. I want to stay safe and healthy so my child has her mother as long as possible. I want to journal about how proud I am of her college degree and parenting skills. I want to share with her my private thoughts about getting old and senile and give her advice on how to deal with an aging body. I want to journal about the fun her dad and I have with an empty next and an open road.

Right now I really need people to stop dying.

Giving Thanks (part one)

Many Facebook friends and fellow Bloggers are posting Daily Thanks for the month of November. It's a great idea and I am enjoying their words and the emotions behind them.

Life has been way too busy for me lately so promising to do anything every day (other than brush my teeth and put on deodorant) would be a waste of time. So, here are my Daily Thanks for the first part of November. Feel free to read one a day. : )

1. I am thankful for my home, which keeps me comfortable and safe and holds memories of my growing family. It needs a whole lot of work but it's where my little family of three snuggles up together on the couch or sits around the dinner table and creates precious moments. When I saw the house for the first time I fell in love with the 2nd floor hall, the area at the top of the stairs, outside the bedrooms. It's a small area but it seemed so homey, someplace that only those who lived there could appreciate.

2. I am thankful for my little fenced in yard which contains and entertains little Lizzy and makes being a dog owner that much easier. In years passed we've had gardens, sandboxes, tents and pools in that yard but I'm loving that the open space is now being occupied by our sweet puppy, and a half dozen beach balls that have been popped and dragged in the mud.

3. I am thankful for Dr. Singer who performed my post-bilat reconstruction. He is an amazingly talented and caring surgeon and I was blessed to find him. I've recommended him to several friends and family and they all had good experiences with him.

4. I am thankful for Brigitte, who three years ago opened her family's vacation home to a bunch of near strangers for a mom's retreat. That act closely bonded a group of woman and started a bi-annual tradition of weekend getaways filled with staying up too late, waking up too early, enjoying fresh air and afternoon naps, laughing til it hurts, countless empty bottles, too much food, practical jokes, tears, and the occasional F word.

5. I am thankful for the passage of time. It is wrinkling my skin and turning my hair gray and straw-like but it has also soothed old wounds and provided clarity. It allowed me to send birthday cards or notes of condolences to old friends. Events or acts that once devastated are put in their place and seem smaller with the passage of time.

6. I am thankful for our military and our veterans who gave or continue to give so much of themselves to my family and yours could remain safe, secure and most of all free. Tomorrow Cha's school is hosting a special lunch for veterans in their cafeteria. They will be playing a slideshow of service men and women dear to our children's lives. I sent in pictures of a few family and friends and am kinda thankful that I didn't volunteer to help. I can see myself blubbering all over the food.

7. I am thankful for my husband, his love, and the love he has for our child. This year we celebrate ten years together. It has been one wild roller coaster ride but when I think of the most joyful moments of my entire life, Matt is there. He is responsible for the best of the best and things will only get better.

8. I am thankful for my California roots. I grew up in So Cal in the late 60s, early 70s. That's a whole lot of liberalism. I was born with an open mind and was exposed to many different people and ideas. I learned to be tolerant of others and think it has served me well. Being exposed to such conflicting opinions was difficult at times but it left me with a firm grip on my own beliefs. When everyone around you says the sky is pink and you can't help but think it's blue, well that's just who you are. So thank you California for helping me become a better conservative.

9. I am thankful for the middle of the night decision to move to the east coast 22 years ago. I have now officially lived on the east coast longer than I lived on the west coast. When people ask me why I would leave the beach I always tell them I just feel more comfortable out here. I love the people. I admire the brains and attitude of east coasters. And the atmosphere. So Cal is beautiful and the people are gorgeous and amazing and talented and friendly, but in my opinion, east coasters are more genuine. The people are authentic.

10. I am thankful for HBO which puts out some of the Best Shows Ever. My favorites - Boardwalk Empire, Six Feet Under, Sex and the City, The Sopranos, Bored to Death, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Big Love, Flight of the Conchords, In Treatment, Oz. Six Feet Under has the best series finale of all time. Wouldn't it be neat for to see a life fast forwarded for all your favorite characters?

11. I am thankful for Gmail. I was one of the early adopters and got a Gmail invite long before it became public. My techie friends and I used it to share music. I rarely delete email and my in-box reads like a journal, which I go back and read quite often. There's a lot of history in those notes. A few were too painful to keep so they're gone without a trace, but those updates from Cha's early days or dating ramblings with the girlfriends is good stuff.

12. I am thankful for Blogger profiles which has introduced me to hundreds (if not thousands) of hours reading fascinating stories from around the world. I've become friends with several bloggers and am always excited when I stumble on someone new and get caught up on their posts.

13. I am thankful for the Patch Network 'your source for local knowledge you can't live without'. I have learned more about my community by reading my local Patch than from many years of reading the local newspaper. Check them out and see what you learn about your neighborhood.

14. I am thankful for my local library and the librarian who has known my daughter's name forever. Other than having a great children's book selection, fun story times, and cool programs, they also have an awesome used book room where for $5 you can fill an entire duffel bag with books to take home. (Yes, I know you can check them out and read them for FREE but some books I just love having on my shelf, which is why I don't think I'm a Kindle person.)

15. I am thankful for my Droid. It completes me!

singing her praises

Sometimes I feel like I brag about my girl too often. She's my one and only and as frustrating as motherhood can be, I am forever amazed by the experience. It's quite possible that friends and family get tired of hearing me sing her praises, but I can't stop. She is incredible, even with all her flaws and she deserves to hear her mother brag.

Monday was Halloween and it was a perfect night. She was dressed and ready to go long before anyone else in the neighborhood. I told her we needed to wait until after 6:00 to make sure people were home from work and ready to receive trick-or-treaters. She patiently hung outside watching the cars come home.

She and I walked the neighborhood together and Matt stayed at home to hand out candy. Early in the evening it hit me how much of a politician my little girl is. She has no fear and going door to door and talking to people was her favorite part of the night. She walked up, introduced herself, said Trick or Treat and chatted with whomever was at the door. If someone paid her a compliment she had to say something nice in return.

Neighbor: I love your costume!
Cha: Well I love the way you carved your pumpkins and put flowers around them.

She found something to chat about at every house. If the family had a dog she would discuss the breed and tell stories about her new puppy, or dogs in her life. One house had a beautiful chocolate lab. After she took the candy and said thank you she asked if she could pet the dog. (She had to pet all dogs.) Then she told the story of her cousin's chocolate lab, who they got as a puppy but had to put down due to a digestive issue. (Her words.) She said she hoped their lab stayed healthy then said "Happy Halloween!" and walked to the next house.

We were back home before 7:00 at her request. She said she'd had enough and wanted to pass out candy. Matt and I started out answering the door with her but it became obvious that this was her show and she didn't need co-stars. She coo'd at every costume and continued to make small talk with everyone. About 8:00 when the young kids were home and all we were receiving were teenagers, Cha continued the banter. I had to laugh at one point when she was handing out candy to the kids who gave her candy earlier in the night. And, they weren't nearly as friendly or polite as she had been. (Do teens ever say thank you?)

She is a sweet, smart, funny, and lively child. She loves people and that will serve her well in life.

favorite wisconsin story ever

My cousin Bob worked at the Tamarack in Portage and every time we were in town (which is usually a couple times a year) we stop in and say hello.

One night we went in and asked 'Is Bob working?' The waitress said 'Who?' We replied 'Bob.' The name didn't register at first until she said 'Oh! You mean Bahb! (said in the finest Wisconsin accent). Who knew there were so many different ways to pronounce Bob?

Bobby passed away Wednesday afternoon from a heart attack. He was only 40. Both his father and grandfather died young from the same. Sad is an understatement.

When my dad called me with news it didn't compute. He said: 'Your cousin Bobby died' and I couldn't put the words together. You see, another of my cousins is very sick at the moment. He's at the end stage of a cancer that spread to numerous organs in his body. That call would have been sad, but it would have made sense. A call about Bobby? Does not compute.

I would love to be there for the service, but I just can't. I mean, physically I could hop in the car today and be there in time but emotionally it's nearly impossible. I am not ready to gather around the family and mourn the passing of another loved one. I need more time. I am also not ready to tell Cha that Cousin Bobby, who we just saw in July has died. There's been far too many death notices in her short life already.

We may go visit for Thanksgiving or wait until next summer and I can tell her then. I just don't know. We both need some time.

Rest in Peace Bob.

Bob Barrick

Depression

Yes, the link is on my blogshelf but this post deserves a little more respect than that.

So when someone asks 'What's it like?', just point them here....

Adventures in Depression

No One Fights Alone

Someone very near and dear to the my family is gearing up for her third battle against Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I have no doubt that this courageous 19 year old has the strength, humor and spirit to overcome, but it won't be easy and the medical expenses are going to suck.

The help alleviate the financial burden, family and friends are selling green (lymphoma's awareness color) "livestrong like" bracelets that say "No one fights alone". The bracelets are available for $3.00 each from the address below.

United Country Hamele Auction & Realty
Attn: Alyse Krueger's Fund
118 W. Collins Street
Portage, WI 53901

Thank you in advance for your support and continuing to keep this beautiful young woman in your prayers.

(And thanks to Alyse for allowing me to share her story.)

Please read a very sweet article about Alyse from the local paper here: Go Alyse

this is also motherhood

Not my proudest moment.

We had a very busy weekend. I may have overbooked our calendar to take advantage of one of the last great weather weekends of the year - pumpkin patch, flower picking, parks with twisty slides, running Lizzy at the dog park, and Cha's first ever sleepover. One thing about having an only child is that they are used to getting pretty much all the attention they can handle. Cha is blessed with two parents who are there for her always and she's used to being center stage. When there are other kids in the picture and the spotlight is shining on someone else, only children get a little sad. Or at least my only does.

Cha draws attention to herself by getting hurt, or pretending to get hurt. A slip on the playground, an imaginary twist of an ankle or a bumped head causes enormous tears and requires much attention. This weekend was filled with many bumps and falls. I saw it and played along but after the 6th or 7th time I was getting a little tired of the game.

Fast forward to the giant climbing spider web at the local park. We were with two other kids and I was trying to keep my eye on all three when Cha screamed 'Owww!' I sighed and asked her what happened, thinking that it was just one more bid for some affection. I saw her climb the web, which she's done a dozen times and didn't see what could have caused pain. She said something hurt her wrist. I told her to come down and show me and she started to cry saying her hand hurt too much to climb down. I was at my limits with her and plain tired of hearing the whining and crying for attention. I was not going to climb up the giant spider web and carry her down so I snapped at her and told her to get down now, and if she didn't stop crying we were going home.

Matt was there and when Cha didn't budge I told him to go pull her down. She held her wrist and said it hurt but didn't know why. Matt and I both looked at it and found she had been stung by a wasp. Ugh, my child was hurting and I snapped at her. Not my finest moment.

This was her first sting and we didn't know if she was allergic so we rushed her home and gave her benedryl. The sting caused her wrist and palm to completely swell and it was ugly. I put her hand on an ice pack and held her while the benedryl kicked in. I watched her breathing and checked her eyes, paranoid that something bad would happen. I've been stung twice and both times had labored breathing, dizziness, and loss of vision.

Three hours later she woke from a very deep sleep and the pain and swelling was gone. She was groggy the rest of the day but that was just the drugs.

Big hugs to my little Cha Cha Bear. Sometimes I feel like the meanest mom ever and I am so, so sorry.

this is motherhood

I love the Beatles and find myself humming or singing their music on a daily basis. Yesterday George Harrison's Give me Love was stuck in my head. I must have been singing it out loud because at one point I noticed Cha was singing along.

Such a proud moment! I pulled out my phone and pulled up youtube where I showed her the video. She played it again and again. So precious.

it's that time again

It's almost my baby girl's birthday and she is very excited. She's been counting down the days for over a month. The weeks leading up to her birthday are usually very emotional for me. They take me back to the days before she was born and I get very sentimental reliving her life in my mind.

The night before Cha was born we had the tires replaced on my Forester. They didn't necessarily need to be replaced but Matt wanted extra safe tires for his girls. So, we dropped the car off at CJs Tires in Phoenixville then headed over to Sly Fox for dinner. I had the meatloaf, which wasn't fantastic but for some reason seemed like a very mom-like thing to order. We had the obligatory 'this is our last meal without a baby' talk and enjoyed the quiet before the storm.

Six years ago today was my last day at work before my maternity leave. I planned to work up until the final moment but then I passed my due date and was feeling super uncomfortable and decided I needed one final day of rest before my scheduled induction. I remember it all so clearly and hope I always do.

She is my miracle. She's the baby my doctors told me I'd never have.


Take That Science!

Peggy Noonan, Tom Sizemore, Michael Stipe and Mom

One of my favorite R.E.M. songs reminds me of one of my favorite movie scenes ever which is the topic of one of my favorite essays.

From Peggy Noonan's Everybody's Shot (a must read):

There's a small but telling scene in Ridley Scott's "Black Hawk Down" that contains some dialogue that reverberates, at least for me. In the spirit of Samuel Johnson, who said man needs more often to be reminded than instructed, I offer it to all, including myself, who might benefit from its message.

The movie, as you know, is about the Battle of the Bakara Market in Mogadishu, Somalia, in October 1993. In the scene, the actor Tom Sizemore, playing your basic tough-guy U.S. Army Ranger colonel, is in charge of a small convoy of humvees trying to make its way back to base under heavy gun and rocket fire. The colonel stops the convoy, takes in some wounded, tears a dead driver out of a driver's seat, and barks at a bleeding sergeant who's standing in shock nearby:

Colonel: Get into that truck and drive.
Sergeant: But I'm shot, Colonel.
Colonel: Everybody's shot, get in and drive.

"Everybody's shot." Those are great metaphoric words.

Today is the anniversary of my mom's death. Somehow it's comforting to know that everyone's mom dies. We're all in this together.



R.E.M. just announced that they are breaking up. Sad news.

i don't know how she does it

Last night some friends and I went to see I Don't Know How She Does It, which is the new movie by Sarah Jessica Parker.

Tagline: A working mother strives to balance her demanding career with the stress of raising two young children and maintaining a healthy marriage

The movie irked me. It did a disservice to working moms everywhere. So cliched and simplistic. I hope the real world doesn't think that's what it's really like for 'us'. Two separate times I was ready to walk out.

My advice to the main character Kate, who finds herself way too frazzled over self created drama:

Get yourself a full time live-in nanny. The movie family suffered many times due to a nanny who was habitually late and had to leave at 5:00 pm. That's totally unrealistic. As a former nanny, I know. I understand finding a caretaker who holds a special place in the children's lives, but she's there to do a job for the family and if she can't be there when the family needs her, she's got to go.

Buying bakery made desserts is not the end of the world. Staying up late and stressing yourself out by trying to make a store-bought pie look homemade is just stupid. Seriously. Especially for a school bake sale, which is voluntary. Order from a local bakery who delivers or better yet ask the full time, live in nanny if she could take on the task.

If you are lucky enough to have a high powered career that you love, rejoice. Do not buy into the guilt about 'not being there for your kids'. If you're successful in talking a billion dollar company into investing in your mutual fund proposal, you're smart enough to know that your children have a tremendous advantage over millions of other children in this world.

It is very possible, without much effort really, to have a friendly and platonic working relationship with an attractive co-worker without either of you signing your emails with 'XO'.

In the business world, brushing your hair is pretty much expected.

Cha has not once ever said she wished that I stayed home. She knows a world where both of her parents have jobs during the day and the family is home together at night. It's natural and Matt and I have never apologized to her for it. She is aware that some of her friends have a parent who stays at home but we have never told her that one is better than the other. Just like some are happy in the city and others in the country, people are different. If you continually apologize to your kid for having to work and not be home, they're going to use that against you.

If a child is having a near mental breakdown over her mother not being there to build a snowman with her, there are much bigger issues than the mother having, wanting or needing to work. The child needs to know that sometimes mom and dad have to say no, but that doesn't mean the child is any less a priority.

One thing I will agree with are the sleepless nights due to the lists that never seem to shorten. I can keep myself up all night thinking about the 500 things that need to get done asap. My current stresser is that my list is scattered among four different notebooks. One of my top five to-do items is consolidating the list so nothing (further) falls through the cracks.

It will get done because eventually everything does.

gonna need a big balloon

I started working on a letter to my mom. Next Thursday is the first anniversary of her death and I plan on attaching the letter to a balloon and releasing it to the sky. There are many things Ive been wanting to say and I hope the letter will give me a bit of peace.

The location of the release is a bit surprising. It makes sense to do it in a place where I feel close to her. My parents lived at least 1,000 miles away for over half my life. We were never physically close but we spoke and visited quite often.

One special visit was just two years ago when my parents came out to PA. They stayed in a hotel up the road from us and one of my favorite pictures of my mother is a shot in front of that hotel. Cha and I were waiting in the hotel for their arrival and my little girl was so excited when she first saw their car, then her Grandma and then her Grandpa. It was emotional for me to stand back and watch her embrace her grandparents.

We drive by that hotel nearly every day and Cha calls it 'Grandma's house'. I feel close to her when I see it and a piece of me believes that a piece of her lives on in that hotel.

Now to find a balloon big enough to carry the load.

a little brag

Altho, I didn't work nearly as hard as I could have which means it could have been better...

I had my labwork done for my 'diabetes' last week. I was stunned by the results since the week prior I had more than a few homemade cookies. I was hoping things would be okay, since I've lost 18 pounds since May but I really didn't think they'd be this good.

My history:

Feb 2009
Fasting - 147
Triglycerides - 250
A1C 6.4

Sept 2009
Fasting - 134
Triglycerides - 963 (ouch)
A1C 6.8

Sept 2010
Fasting - 139
Triglycerides - 159
A1C 6.2

Sept 2011
Fasting - 110
Triglycerides - 76
A1C 6.1

For reference, Fasting and Triglycerides should both be around 100 or below and a normal A1C level is 6. I'm getting there!

My theory, which my doctor doesn't think is likely but you never know, is that when I was diagnosed with cancer my body went into complete shock. I feel my stress induced depression is responsible for my sugars being all over the place. My body is beginning to stabilize and I am certain that in another five years (if not sooner) diabetes medication will no longer be necessary.

It's the only way I can explain it. You see, when I'm feeling good I make it to the gym three days a week, cut down (not out) sugars, sodium and carbs and load myself up with water. It's been a rough year tho, so those 'feeling good' weeks aren't as regular as they could be. I've never denied myself dessert, but I been strict with portion control. Two years ago Matt and I would each have a chicken breast for dinner. Last year Matt, Cha and I would all share that breast. This year chicken breasts are less frequent in our household but I still love my meat. (Matt cut out most animal products altogether).

Getting better.

Do me a favor

I've been holding this for a while and probably should keep my mouth shut, but more and more stories keep coming out and I just want to scream.

Every child who has been abused / molested / assaulted / whatever you call it in their life who grows up to have children, please for the LOVE OF GOD be overly protective of your children and do everything IN YOUR POWER to make sure that the same thing never happens to them.

Second, third, and fourth check any person who circles your child's environment and do not leave your child alone with anyone you do not, without a shadow of a doubt, fully and completely trust. Survivors have a sixth sense about people. You need to listen to your gut.

Make it Stop

Protect Our Children

Enough is Enough

Happy Thoughts and Thanks

I am thankful that my daughter is enjoying school and is excited about going each day. May that last a long, long time.

I am glad that my dad is settled in at his new house and is finding joy in his life.

I am happy my husband is successfully embracing a vegetarian diet, which has led to weight loss and muscle gain.

I am delighted that while Cha and I still eat (and enjoy) meat, we are eating less of it and chowing down on more veggies.

I am ecstatic that it's Mom's Retreat planning time! We'll be heading up to the lake sometime in late October or early November. Fun, fun, fun!

I am super grateful that our house did not suffer any damage from the recent hurricane, earthquake, or flooding and that our basement remained dry. Yippee!!

I am relieved that I finally decided on Cha's 6th birthday party and the invites have been sent out, and many RSVPs have been received. She's going to be excited and surprised.

I am stoked that the new season of Boardwalk Empire will be starting soon, and that the past episodes are On Demand so I can get caught up.

I am also looking forward to the new season of Bored to Death. It's one of the funniest shows on TV and Ted Danson has never been funnier!

I am getting a kick out of the banter between @SteveMartinToGo, @AlecBaldwin, @GarryShandling, and @AlbertBrooks on Twitter. You have to follow all four to read them play off each other. They are four of my favorite comedians and they make me laugh every day. (And you can find me at @jonijenks, tho I follow more than I post.)

great day, i think

I *think* she had a great first day. She was smiles when she came off the bus and there were no tears, so I'm assuming it was a success.

There still wasn't much eye contact. She paid more attention to the other kids getting off the bus than she did us. She was caught up in a frenzy of friends. That's good, right?

We tried to talk to her about her day, but she was very non-committal. Lots of 'I don't know' or 'I don't remember.' Kinda disappointing

She did open up later when we were laying in bed looking at her homework folder. Three boys on the bus started teasing her, calling her a boy. The Safety Patrol, a neighbor girl, stepped in and told them that Cha was a girl and that they had to stop calling her a boy. ('Mom, boys don't wear flower earrings, they wear skull earrings!')

She had hotdogs and pineapples for lunch and hung upside down on the monkey bars. The class is doing a paper quilt and everyone has to make a page of their favorite things. Cha wants to put in a picture of Mr. Pettibone. They did some Math and we have to remember to bring in a smock for art this week. Her teacher is very nice and put away all the things we brought in for her. She can't wait to go back again and again.

I missed my mom big time today. Cha reminds me so much of me at that age. I tried to spread my wings by being mean to my mom. I pushed her away to establish my independence. Cha is the same so I get it. Her actions sting a little less because I know where she's coming from. Did my mom understand? Did she snicker at my mighty snubs, knowing they were just attempts to be grown up? Or did they hurt her feelings? I wish she was here today so I could ask her, and apologize for being mean. I need to tell her that I always loved her and take back anything I said or did that made her feel like I didn't.

This morning's trip to the bus stop was much different than yesterday. Cha's plan was to walk to the stop by herself while I drove my car and park nearby. I could keep my distance and watch her without anyone knowing I was there. I agreed because the stop is only at the end of our court and I was planning on heading off from work right from there. It would save me the trip of walking home to get my car.

The reality was that she walked half way to the end of the court and started crying when she saw me get in my car. She came walking back in tears saying she was scared and lonely. I suggested she get in my car and we'd drive together. I offered to park while she got out with the other kids. She agreed to this. As soon as I parked I kissed her goodbye, told her I loved her and hoped she had a great day. She told me that I could get out and stand with her. Then she grabbed my hand and we walked across the street.

Nice way to start the morning.

no looking back

From the moment we walked out the front door this morning she didn't look at me once. She was sooooo excited to take the bus and meet all new friends at school. She asked me to stay at home so she could walk alone and when I said no she told me I couldn't walk next to her. She didn't want the older kids to think she needed someone to hold her hand. Oh boy, the teenage years are going to be harsh.

I am anxious for this day to be over. I want her to come home and tell me that everything was great, that the bus didn't get lost, her teacher was sweet, the food in the cafeteria was healthy and super yummy, and she knew exactly where to go to get on the proper bus home. Once I know she's survived today I'll be able to breathe easier.

p.s. i could really use my mom right now.

Last Friday

This morning I dropped Cha off for her last Friday at her first school. She's been at this school since she was nine weeks old. Several of her teachers and classmates are still there. Cha has known them her entire life! It's been one happy constant for the past 6 years and I am grateful for that experience. I'm not sure I am prepared for the change and how much I am going to miss that place but I know she and I are both ready for the next phase.

Monday starts her last week at camp before she graduates on to 1st grade at public school. Every morning when she wakes up her first words are 'X more days!' She is so excited to go to the big kid school and meet new friends.

I was sharing with one of her teachers that I am nervous about the first day. What if she doesn't know where to go when the bus drops her off? Miss Beth reminded me that Cha takes care of herself. If she doesn't know where to go she will stop and boldly announce 'Where am I supposed to be?!' My girl is not shy or timid.

Here is Cha with her two favorite teachers, Miss Beth and Miss Jill.
I am going to miss.them.much!!

love you mom

One year ago today my mother was diagnosed with MDS. In six weeks we will mark the one year anniversary of her death. I am still stunned that she's gone. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

I put this video together several years ago after she battled lymphoma. Cheesy and cliche, but still makes me cry.

It's my mom, as I saw her. She was her children and her grandchildren and was present in every moment of my life.

Miss you Mom.

A Mother’s Prayer for Her Child

A Mother’s Prayer for Her Child By Tina Fey

First, Lord: No tattoos.

May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,”she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.

***************************************************************************

We spent the weekend camping at Knoebel's where my daredevil child survived the coasters and thrill rides. She managed to fall on her head while climbing on the playground equipment but no major damage was done. We had a blast.

Mr. Pettibone

I have never had a cat like this. He is definitely one of a kind. His name was Mischief when we adopted him but Cha changed it to Mr. Pettibone (after Goofy's pet kitten). He must have been on his best behavior the first six months because I wouldn't necessarily call him a naughty cat. Now that he's settled and feeling comfortable he is a little trouble maker.

He's got this fascination with bread. He loves it and will steal it right off your plate. Cha was having a hotdog for lunch one afternoon and Mr. Pettibone jumped up on the table, snagged the hotdog bun, and tore off. What kind of kitty takes the bread and leaves the meat?

We can't leave bread out or he'll attack it in the middle of the night. We learned this after finding several half eaten loaves in a corner of the basement. Bread now goes in a basket on top of the cabinet.

Yesterday I bought bagels to bring in to work with me. Silly me, I left them on the counter overnight. This morning they were gone and this is what I found in the basement:


A cat and his prey. I couldn't help but laugh. That kitty jumped up on the counter, grabbed a bag of eight bagels, pulled it through the little kitty door and carried it to the basement. I almost want to set up a hidden camera to watch him do it again.

mom, i had a funny dream

Cha woke up in a great mood and told me she had a funny dream. She climbed up on my lap and went on and on with the details. I really wanted to stop and grab my camera to catch every word, but I didn't want to ruin the moment.

In her dream she went to the beach. All alone. I asked if she drove by herself and she said a blue whale took her. She was standing outside and yelled at a passing blue whale 'Let's go to the beach!' He stopped and allowed her to climb on his back. Then he took off, and because this was a special blue whale with wings, they flew high in the air and she laughed the whole way.

He landed on her beach towel, which she found funny since he had his own right next to hers. All the people at the beach were happy to see him because it was hot and he provided shade. 'It's a good thing he gave us shade because he used my umbrella as a lollipop.'

She pulled two tubes of 'scunscreen' out of her beach bag. The blue whale used his fins to put lotion on Cha and she needed a giant tube to put it on him. Then they had fun playing in the water.

Dream over. 'Isn't that funny?!', she said.

Last week my mother showed up in a dream. It was the first time I felt that she is with me always. My father was also in the dream. He invited Cha and I over for dinner and asked for my help fixing the fence in his backyard. While I was out back pulling weeds that were breaking down the fence I turned to see my mother lead Cha into the playroom to color and read books. Not only is my mother always there, she's still lending a hand.

On an unrelated note, my mother's aunt passed away yesterday. She had been in a home for the past couple of months and I was fortunate to spent time with her on our recent visit. There were moments when she was aware that I was there. I brought the younger nieces, including Cha and we jabbered about our vacation. The last few visits I went alone and spent quiet time in prayer, asking God for a peaceful ending. (She was asking for one too.) She was a special person and left behind some pretty incredible memories.

Simply Stated

'Yep, it's cancer.'

'She didn't make it.'

'They found Jay.'

Three little sentences that sit heavily on my heart.

happy monday

a giraffe

There are many thoughts and feelings zooming around my head and body and I don't have the energy to put them all together so they make sense. I am betrayed, hurt, angry, sad, lonely, and hopeful. I have a therapy appointment today to help me put all those feelings in their proper place.

Yesterday was a good day. I picked up Cha after work and she, Matt and I went out to dinner, which is a rare thing in our household. After dinner we went to one of my favorite places, the public library. I picked up a dozen or so books for Cha and we read six of them last night before bed. She read a few of the easy readers and was almost as proud as I was. She's doing so well and tries so hard. For the past several years she would break down in tears over the fact that she couldn't read or write. I'm so happy for her that she's getting it and that it's making her happy as well.

Her favorite book of the night was also one of my favorites, A Giraffe and a Half. I remember reading it as a kid and it always made me smile. I am truly blessed with this gift called motherhood which allows me to share this book with this precious little girl, especially given the current turmoil in my life.

Hopeful.

quote of the day

Received from a friend. I've seen it many times before but it felt right today.

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'

Women are Angels. And when someone breaks our wings,we simply continue to fly...usually on a broomstick. We are flexible like that.

today is rage

Today I am filled with rage. Yesterday it was pain and concern and the day before it was shock and disgust.

A man hurts a precious, innocent child...wait, scratch that....a man hurts precious, innocent children leaving them hurt and living in fear.

That man must pay, and it must be as painful and full of fear as the hurt he inflicted. He deserves the wrath of a thousand angry mothers and the beat down of a thousand angry fathers.

In the meantime, the children must be surrounded with love and kindness. They must grow to learn that they are blameless and that the world is a good place. It is filled with warm and caring people. They must learn that they are not powerless and that they are respected and treasured and one day very soon I will hug them with everything I've got.

for lynn

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting throught the wind
Wanting to start again

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that there's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road

Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe-awe-awe"


Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe-awe-awe

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

ten things

Ten things to be grateful for this beautiful Tuesday morning:


My gym membership
Katy Perry tickets
Nieces who text
An abundance of sharpened pencils with fun erasers
My local library
Friends who love to read
My sanity
Second chances
Cha's art work
Online dating (ten years and counting....)

kitties

Back when I worked as a nanny in DC I was cat-less. It was one of the few times in my life that I did not have at least one kitty. I lived with and worked for a couple different families and none of them had pets. It was tragic. They had no clue the fun they were missing.

Here are my two boys, Pete and Mr. Pettibone. They are bestest buddies and bring joy and naughtiness to the house and keep us laughing. It's hard to have a bad day with these two chatting at each other and racing around the house. (Anyone else notice that orange kitties, boys especially, are incredibly vocal? These two talk to us and each other all the time.)

Mr. Pettyibone snoozing

Pete babysitting Rosie the Goldfish

Mr. Pettibone babysitting Rosie the Goldfish

Pete Getting his summer shave (he loves it)

Mr. Pettibone chased me off my desk one afternoon.

Left Paw Green!

Mr. Pettibone babysitting Hamela Anderson

Mr. Pettibone on the Go!

Cha and Mr. Pettibone - BFFs

Pete turns 7 next month. He was born on Independence Day and is the last surviving sibling in his litter. He's my Super Kitty. Here are a couple baby pictures.


Aren't they cute??

Happy Monday.