hearing but not listening

That was the title of the last string of emails my brother sent out.  It was nine months before he took his life.

He did not have a history of being stable in his life.  He did have a history of sending middle of the night emails to the family, lashing out for one thing or another.  There were mornings I would wake up to one of his rants and just delete the message without reading.   Other times I would move them to the 'Keith' folder and just let them sit.

I have read the 'Keith' folder many times over the last nearly four years.  I would like to say that I examined his messages again and again, looking for some kind of hint that he would take his life.  Truth be told, it wasn't too much of a surprise.  The hints screamed at us with bitter rage.  I knew he was troubled.  The whole family knew.  Sadly, there isn't much you can do to help someone who refuses to accept help.

My brother has been on my mind quite a bit this last week, as have all my siblings.  I dove into some of Keith's old emails and actually managed to look at them with new eyes.   I saw something different in the words he had written.  There wasn't so much anger and rage as pain and desperation.   How had I never noticed that before?

I am certain that there is nothing I could have said or done to prevent his actions on his final painful day on Earth.  I will admit that I was guilty of hearing but not listening, but in my defense I'm not sure listening would have made a difference.

Lost in the string of messages containing foul language and awkward accusations I found a note he had written on December 10, 2007, shortly after my cancer diagnosis.  I must have read it before but today I was 'listening'.    May this be the Keith I remember for years to come.

Dad forwarded your blog to me tonight, some of which I did read, and the rest I will have to get back to since I worked 10 hours today and am just getting home and have to be up for work by 8:00.

    I am sorry that you and I have lost touch and don't talk to each other that much anymore, I hope that it's nothing that I have said or done.

    Well, I hope that everything turns out well and that you come through this 100%.

    Please tell Matt and Cha that I said hello, and have a good holiday.

    Love, Keith