great day, i think

I *think* she had a great first day. She was smiles when she came off the bus and there were no tears, so I'm assuming it was a success.

There still wasn't much eye contact. She paid more attention to the other kids getting off the bus than she did us. She was caught up in a frenzy of friends. That's good, right?

We tried to talk to her about her day, but she was very non-committal. Lots of 'I don't know' or 'I don't remember.' Kinda disappointing

She did open up later when we were laying in bed looking at her homework folder. Three boys on the bus started teasing her, calling her a boy. The Safety Patrol, a neighbor girl, stepped in and told them that Cha was a girl and that they had to stop calling her a boy. ('Mom, boys don't wear flower earrings, they wear skull earrings!')

She had hotdogs and pineapples for lunch and hung upside down on the monkey bars. The class is doing a paper quilt and everyone has to make a page of their favorite things. Cha wants to put in a picture of Mr. Pettibone. They did some Math and we have to remember to bring in a smock for art this week. Her teacher is very nice and put away all the things we brought in for her. She can't wait to go back again and again.

I missed my mom big time today. Cha reminds me so much of me at that age. I tried to spread my wings by being mean to my mom. I pushed her away to establish my independence. Cha is the same so I get it. Her actions sting a little less because I know where she's coming from. Did my mom understand? Did she snicker at my mighty snubs, knowing they were just attempts to be grown up? Or did they hurt her feelings? I wish she was here today so I could ask her, and apologize for being mean. I need to tell her that I always loved her and take back anything I said or did that made her feel like I didn't.

This morning's trip to the bus stop was much different than yesterday. Cha's plan was to walk to the stop by herself while I drove my car and park nearby. I could keep my distance and watch her without anyone knowing I was there. I agreed because the stop is only at the end of our court and I was planning on heading off from work right from there. It would save me the trip of walking home to get my car.

The reality was that she walked half way to the end of the court and started crying when she saw me get in my car. She came walking back in tears saying she was scared and lonely. I suggested she get in my car and we'd drive together. I offered to park while she got out with the other kids. She agreed to this. As soon as I parked I kissed her goodbye, told her I loved her and hoped she had a great day. She told me that I could get out and stand with her. Then she grabbed my hand and we walked across the street.

Nice way to start the morning.

no looking back

From the moment we walked out the front door this morning she didn't look at me once. She was sooooo excited to take the bus and meet all new friends at school. She asked me to stay at home so she could walk alone and when I said no she told me I couldn't walk next to her. She didn't want the older kids to think she needed someone to hold her hand. Oh boy, the teenage years are going to be harsh.

I am anxious for this day to be over. I want her to come home and tell me that everything was great, that the bus didn't get lost, her teacher was sweet, the food in the cafeteria was healthy and super yummy, and she knew exactly where to go to get on the proper bus home. Once I know she's survived today I'll be able to breathe easier.

p.s. i could really use my mom right now.

Last Friday

This morning I dropped Cha off for her last Friday at her first school. She's been at this school since she was nine weeks old. Several of her teachers and classmates are still there. Cha has known them her entire life! It's been one happy constant for the past 6 years and I am grateful for that experience. I'm not sure I am prepared for the change and how much I am going to miss that place but I know she and I are both ready for the next phase.

Monday starts her last week at camp before she graduates on to 1st grade at public school. Every morning when she wakes up her first words are 'X more days!' She is so excited to go to the big kid school and meet new friends.

I was sharing with one of her teachers that I am nervous about the first day. What if she doesn't know where to go when the bus drops her off? Miss Beth reminded me that Cha takes care of herself. If she doesn't know where to go she will stop and boldly announce 'Where am I supposed to be?!' My girl is not shy or timid.

Here is Cha with her two favorite teachers, Miss Beth and Miss Jill.
I am going to miss.them.much!!

love you mom

One year ago today my mother was diagnosed with MDS. In six weeks we will mark the one year anniversary of her death. I am still stunned that she's gone. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

I put this video together several years ago after she battled lymphoma. Cheesy and cliche, but still makes me cry.

It's my mom, as I saw her. She was her children and her grandchildren and was present in every moment of my life.

Miss you Mom.

A Mother’s Prayer for Her Child

A Mother’s Prayer for Her Child By Tina Fey

First, Lord: No tattoos.

May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,”she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.

***************************************************************************

We spent the weekend camping at Knoebel's where my daredevil child survived the coasters and thrill rides. She managed to fall on her head while climbing on the playground equipment but no major damage was done. We had a blast.

Mr. Pettibone

I have never had a cat like this. He is definitely one of a kind. His name was Mischief when we adopted him but Cha changed it to Mr. Pettibone (after Goofy's pet kitten). He must have been on his best behavior the first six months because I wouldn't necessarily call him a naughty cat. Now that he's settled and feeling comfortable he is a little trouble maker.

He's got this fascination with bread. He loves it and will steal it right off your plate. Cha was having a hotdog for lunch one afternoon and Mr. Pettibone jumped up on the table, snagged the hotdog bun, and tore off. What kind of kitty takes the bread and leaves the meat?

We can't leave bread out or he'll attack it in the middle of the night. We learned this after finding several half eaten loaves in a corner of the basement. Bread now goes in a basket on top of the cabinet.

Yesterday I bought bagels to bring in to work with me. Silly me, I left them on the counter overnight. This morning they were gone and this is what I found in the basement:


A cat and his prey. I couldn't help but laugh. That kitty jumped up on the counter, grabbed a bag of eight bagels, pulled it through the little kitty door and carried it to the basement. I almost want to set up a hidden camera to watch him do it again.