Question of the Day

QOTD: Um, where's all the pain??

Seriously, last time my body HURT. This time I'm feeling groovy. I didn't sleep much at all Thursday night and woke up when Matt went to work at 4:30 on Friday. I felt great and thought I should take advantage of the extra energy and get some work done.

Friday morning at 10:00 we had a playdate with the working moms. They were joking that I may be feeling good then, but the pain would hit me later. We had a fun time and other than not being able to lift Cha when she needed some 'alone time' there were no problems.

Dr. S called to see how I was doing. He explained that all the blood in my abdomen was actually fluid from the liposuction. The bleeding in my breasts has stopped but he told me to keep wearing my binders, surgical stockings and support bras.

That evening I went to dinner and drinks with friends and again kept thinking I should enjoy things while I could. Getting in and out of the car was a bit uncomfortable but otherwise all was good.

Saturday and Sunday have been the same. I haven't taken anything for pain at all today and have to force myself to remember to take my antibiotics. The bruises are still colorful on my breasts but they haven't shown up on my abdomen yet.

I plan on going back to work on Tuesday and could easily have gone back tomorrow if it weren't a holiday. Seriously, I have no clue why this time around there's no pain. It's such a treat!

What's a lady gotta do to get some sleep around here?

It's midnight and I need to sleep but it just ain't happening. I took a pain pill at 9:30 and was hoping it would help zonk me out.

I managed to take a look under the bandages tonight, altho it wasn't due to impatience. I realized that it was nearly impossible to pee while wearing the abdomen binder so I had to take it off. What I found was a lot of blood but very little bruising. I pulled off my shirt and noticed that my bra was also bloody so I had to change the dressing. Ick, that was messy. So far I've soaked through two bras and have resorted to wearing maxi-pads on my chest again. The only bruises were around my bra line which looks funny.

We'll see what it looks like tomorrow....if I ever manage to sleep!

a very groggy thankful thursday

Surgery went fine. They rolled me in at 11:07 and the next time I looked at the clock it was 2:20. So, it was a quickie. I was much more nauseous this time than I was one of the other times. I seriously thought I was going to vomit and asked for a cup. I also had a pounding headache. They gave me something for it tho it didn't seem to do much. I think I woke up too quickly. They didn't push me out of the recovery room by any means but I knew I would feel better once I got home so I was in a hurry to leave. A cool, dark bedroom seems an obvious choice over a brightly lit and busy recovery room.

I am stuck wearing an abdominal binder for the next few weeks. Dr. S must have made quite an improvement because even with the bulky binder my pants fit fine. I'll be able to take a look (and pictures) in the morning when I change the dressing.

He did very little to my breasts which means no drains (yippee!) However he did clean up the scars that were under my right breast which were causing so much pain. I am wearing a bra over light bandages but when I got home and changed my shirt I could see a hell of a lot of bruising already. If it's this bad outside of my bra I can only imagine what I'll find for the great unveiling.

The pain isn't too miserable at the moment but I'm a bit of a space cadet.

Top five things that I am thankful for today:

1. I made it!

2. All the colors of the rainbow. Bruises mean healing and that's a good thing, right?

3. Matthew for being so caring and understanding

4. All the sweet notes from friends and family.

5. One more successful notch on my surgery belt.

Something Funny!

Thanks for Brother Dan for this gem! I'm not sure if it's the Spock/Kirk sexual tension or my current Mamma Mia obsession that made me watch this over and over.

I hope you enjoy!

Had to go back and re-read

I just went back to re-read the posts following my last surgery. This whole surgery thing has become like childbirth. You are nervous and scared to death beforehand but when it's over you have trouble remembering the pain.

I am scheduled to show up at the surgery center tomorrow at 10:15 am. Cha has a playdate at a local park scheduled for tomorrow night at 6:00. It's a big playdate celebrating the birthdays of all her friends born in August. I am seriously contemplating taking her myself. I looked back to the entry following my last surgery and read that the pain wasn't too bad afterwards. I was up and walking around but found it difficult to bend. I am hoping for the same tomorrow.

My anxiety has been full-force the past week, starting with a breakdown in Dr. S' office last Wednesday. I started crying and just couldn't stop. He gave me a script of Valium which I've been taking once or twice a day. With the thoughts of the upcoming surgery, work concerns and issues with friends, I was stuck with a mighty week long migraine. I have been especially irritable and worried and just can't bring myself to do deep breathing or relaxation exercises. Cha's school is closed this week so she is home with me. That in itself leaves no time to relax.
I have been trying my darnedest not to become impatient with her and am very thankful that Matt has been taking over and giving me a break when he comes home. Sometimes I just need an hour of quiet time and that rarely happens when they're a happy 2 year old running around.

Tonight I am having some friends over to laugh and play games. I am hoping it will make the night go quickly and help me sleep.

I'll update tomorrow when I can. (Have I mentioned how much I want this whole business behind me? I am ready for it to be DONE.)

Christina Applegate

I listened to Good Morning America yesterday on my way to work. Robin Robertson was interviewing Christina Applegate about her recent breast cancer diagnosis and treatment. I had planned on posting a link to the interview here but when I got to the GMA site I started reading all the viewer comments and decided to take a different approach.

For those of you who are fortunate never to have been diagnosed with breast cancer, there is this odd sisterhood of survivors that is just as dysfunctional as any typical family. Women bicker and complain and, strangely, compete over who's got it worse. Granted most of the women I've encountered both in real life and on online support groups have been lovely and compassionate but they don't tend to be as vocal.

The debate over the Christina Applegate interview was that she did breast cancer patients a disservice by proclaiming herself to be 100% cured. As some women who have had BC will tell you, you are never 100% cured because there is always a chance of the cancer coming back. They also refuse to call themselves survivors because you are not a survivor until the cancer is truly beaten and if it's never beaten, well then you are involved in a life long battle and thus always a breast cancer patient.

Women were also disappointed that Christina did not go into further details about what type of cancer she had and what stage it was. The reason behind this is the competitiveness that I mentioned earlier. My cancer was DCIS which was stage 0 or pre-cancer and an 'easy' cure. Yes, it is called the 'good cancer'. Women (or men) who are diagnosed with the 'good cancer' are not given the same respect and sympathy as those who have more aggressive cancer or are at a later stage. It's sad but true.

I wish Christina Applegate much luck and am sad that she has joined the 'sisterhood'. In the interview she mentioned that she was diagnosed in April and had a bilateral mastectomy three weeks ago. The cancer was only in one breast and, like me, decided to have them both removed. She said she didn't want to have to deal with going to the doctor every four months, which is the same reason I made my decision. She also said she'll be undergoing reconstruction over the next 8 months.

In my humble opinion, and based only on my experience and beliefs, I am a cancer survivor. Every day that I am alive means that I beat cancer. I will always have the fear that I will battle cancer once again but at the moment I am 100% cancer free and I am thankful.

If you've got a moment and a spare prayer, I invite you to check out Cari's blog. She is a breast cancer survivor who was blessed with a clean PET scan a week and a half ago. She has been suffering from migraine like headaches for the past month and when she saw a doctor she was shocked to discover what is most likely a cancerous tumor in her brain. She will be undergoing brain surgery Friday morning. Please pray that the tumor is just a little speckle of nothing important. Please pray that the mass is not breast cancer that has moved to the brain. Please pray that she recovers and spends the next 50 years being a fantastic mother to her children.

Thanks.

Dutch Wonderland!

What a cool place! We all had a blast and Cha LOVED the rides. She's a real adrenalin junkie already.

Madison, Maya and Cha high up in the air

Such Joy!

Thankful Thursday

I've got much to be thankful for today.

1. Cha is sitting at my feet 'reading' books and counting to ten in Spanish. And, she's having fun! I am thankful that she loves books and hope that learning is always an enjoyable experience for her.

2. Matt had a bad day and came home crabby so I sent him to the library. I'm thankful that there are thousands of books and magazines to help take his mind off things.

3. The thrift store we stop by a couple times a week has all clothing marked down for a dollar. I picked up three Land's End dresses for Cha. Super bargain!

4. The neighbors are on an 11 day vacation which means things will be peaceful for a while.

5. I am thankful for J/P's words of wisdom and encouragement which I hope will lead me to a fun new blog template this weekend.

6. Tomorrow is Friday and that means one day closer to spending the day at Dutch Wonderland with my little girl and our friends!

7. I am thankful that Vicki is doing well in rehab and have high hopes that she will continue to improve.

8. I cleaned out the medicine drawer last night and threw out four boxes of sinus and cold medicine that expired in 2006. I am thankful that the family hasn't been sick enough to use four boxes of sinus and cold medicine, but I gotta wonder what they were doing in my bathroom since we didn't even live here in 2006.

9. I am especially thankful to Mariana for the copy of Mamma Mia that Cha and I have been listening to non-stop. Meryl Streep can sing!

10. I am thankful that at least one day a week I force myself to stop and think of all I have to be thankful for.

Song of the day

It's stuck in my head and keeps making my cry! I don't want my little girl to grow up and leave me!

Yaris - real world mpg

I filled up my tank at lunch today. It took 9.886 gallons and my trip odometer read 334.3 miles. That works out to nearly 34 miles to the gallon.

I drive 60% city and 40% highway and I have the a/c on all the time. Not too bad!

This weekend Cha and I are going to Dutch Wonderland in Lancaster. I am curious what kind of mileage we'll get on the turnpike.

Yes, I am loving my little Toyota!

Show of Hands

You know you're a mother to a preschooler when you debate the hotness of various kid show personalities.

So help me out here, which do you prefer:

A. Steve from Blue's Clues

B. The Blue Wiggle

Use the Comment section to vote and feel free to post anonymously. I promise this won't come back to haunt you come election time.

Side Topic: I saw Mamma Mia last week. It was a fabulous girlie movie, tho watching James Bond (Pierce B.) sing was just plain wrong. Anyway, there are two types of girls out there. The Colin Firth's and the Pierce Brosnan's. Which are you?

Benefit for Vicki

19 Broadway, Fairfax California

Benefit for Viki Jean: Featuring Chrome Johnson, Honeydust, Orchid, Nylon Heart Attack, Union Trade, and White Music

Sat, August 30th 2008 - 9:00 pm

$20

Vicki Jean Bond-Harvey 37 year old mother of , Rylie Jane 4 yo and Daisy who is 10 months and wife of Nate Harvey. She is a fabulous and very popular hair-dresser at A-Line in Corte Madera. Our beloved friend has suffered a brain aneurysm and subsequent stroke 3 weeks ago. She is working very hard to get to the point of rehabilitation. Vicki is about as loyal as a friend gets and we are all pulling our resources together to help her family financially through this incredibly difficult time. The love that is felt for this woman is amazing and if that is any indicator of the outcome of this tragedy-she will thrive.

Update: I spoke to Vicki last night. Her family and friends were all gathered at Nickel Rose in San Rafael for the silent auction so I figured she might be feeling lonely. Her voice was strong but she suffered a few moments of confusion.

She knew who she was speaking with and told me about her sister's new babies (twins Henry and Charlotte, who were born prematurely last Wednesday.) It was encouraging that she could remember the details (Henry was only 2.5 lbs) but soon afterwards she kinda forgot that she was on the phone.

BFF Tobi visited with her yesterday and said she was stronger than she had feared. Tobi massaged her feet and legs and Vicki admitted that she could feel the sensation. The doctors feel that she'll walk again but it's going to be a long road.

She's very depressed and almost started to cry when she told me that she had to stop breastfeeding little Daisy. She has always been a mother hen to her friends so I can imagine how hard it is for her to realize that she can't take care of her own precious girls.

Please continue to keep Vicki and her family in your prayers. She'll be released from the rehab in a few weeks and will need lots of support.

Is reconstruction selfish?

In just a few weeks I will be undergoing my 4th surgery in 8 months. The first surgery was absolutely necessary as it removed the cancer from my body. The second surgery was also pretty important since it removed dying tissue and cleaned up very painful infected tissue. The third surgery...well, it cleaned up some scars and lumps and gave my breasts a better shape.

This next surgery is purely cosmetic. Dr. S will be fine tuning my breast shape, taking care of some 'problem areas' and cleaning up my abdominal scar. It's going to be painful and I'll need to take time off work and rely on friends and family for a little help. And that won't even be the end of it. I'll have to go back in a couple months for yet another surgery where Dr. S uses skin from my groin to create nipples. At the end of it all (December maybe?) I'll be going in to have those nipples tattooed.

I can't help but think that from here on out it's all vanity and selfishness. I am cancer free and my body looks normal in clothes. I don't have to worry about prosthetics or special undergarments. I am pretty much good to go.

I've still got fears that I'll die on the table. Matt and I had this discussion last week when the next surgery was finalized. He tried to tell me that I'll be fine because there have been no problems in the past. My thoughts are that I have beat the odds already so why push my luck? What if my heart can only withstand 5 operations in it's lifetime? Why waste one on pretty boobs??

I know I will continue and see this journey to the very end. I trust Dr. S and as I said in the past he's not going to let me quit. Sometimes I look at my reconstruction as his project. I'm fine with whatever but as a thanks to his genius I am giving him the best 'after pictures' I can. Or maybe that's what I need to tell myself to justify my selfishness.

I love my job!

This is what I deal with on a daily basis. Just sitting back and waiting.....


I get up and grab some coffee and I still end up waiting and waiting.

In the meantime, here is what I'm thankful for....


1. My faith that eventually my calendar will catch up to my thoughts.

2. Diane, who handles Dr. S's schedule. She managed to squeeze me in on August 28th.

3. Friends and family who so generously volunteered to lend a hand during my recovery.

4. The free half hour I had to chat with co-workers about the world we live in. John spent some time in Dubai and Russia recently and gave me a wonderful picture of what life is like in those parts of the world. Hong also shared what it's like for a 20 year old Chinese American to intern in Beijing the weeks leading up to the Olympics. Fascinating stories.

5. Vaseline Healing Hand & Nail Conditioner. My hands are so dry and painful and Vaseline seems to be the only thing that makes them feel better.

6. Cha's new booster seat, which she can climb into and out of herself. She is such a big girl. What happened to my baby?

7. Client meetings in the office = free lunch!

8. The bamboo plant that Coonhead sent me is growing like a weed! (Are bamboos weeds??)

9. Brigitte, who has earned her woman of the year award from the mom's group by offering her house on Lake Wallenpaupack for a Mom's Retreat in October. Woo Hoo!

10. I love my job!

Happy Birthday Pops!

If I were a bazillionaire and could give my dad any birthday present in the world I would pull all his friends and family together in one place so he could visit. There would be hundreds and hundreds of people so I guess we should have a cruise. A cruise to someplace interesting like Alaska or Russia, tho I guess my mom would need someplace warm so maybe Mexico or the Caribbean. Or maybe Fiji or Africa.

All his family and friends would populate the entire cruise ship and have fun laughing and eating and playing endless games of euchre. There would be a bottomless buffet of lobster and cheeseburgers and ice cream sundaes for my mom. He'd do belly flops in the pool with his granddaughters and maybe shoot some skeet off the back of the ship with Spencer.

The on-board theatre would show continuous loops of Zucker brother and Mel Brooks movies and Nick Cage would make a special celebrity appearance at every meal. (I'm not quite sure what the fascination is with Nicolas Cage, but we'll go with it.)

Bill Gates would be there as a personal favor so Pops can pick his brain and give him a smack or two. The gift shop would provide all the latest electronic gadgets and special one on one training.

It would be a great week, wait I'm a bazillionaire let's make it two weeks, and we'd spend the next 50 weeks talking about how it'd be impossible to top this birthday.

Since I'm about a bazillion dollars short of becoming a bazillionaire, I guess my dad will have to settle for the gift basket that will be delivered this week. I'm sure he knows that I'd give him the moon if I could.

Happy Birthday Pops! I love you!

It's been a long week

The last seven days have been stress filled. Thankfully it has nothing to do with cancer or health crisis's so I guess I can't really complain. It has keep from from posting on a regular basis, so let me catch you up.

Thankful Thursday (abridged) : I am thankful for my four kitties, 40 mpg on the new car, Cha's health, Vicki's movement, long talks with Tobi, getting Comcast back, my migraine finally went away, Connie and Kristin, my husband who knows me well and gives good advice, and God.

My next surgery is scheduled for September 8th. It will be similar to my last surgery, in and out the same day. The pain and recovery will be the same tho I am only going to take a week off. I'm running low on leave time so I'm hoping if I have drains that they'll come out quickly.

My breasts have been giving me some trouble lately. If I roll over and sleep on my right side I wake up in excruciating pain. Matt has heard me scream in the middle of the night thanks to the pain. I'm not sure what's causing it and I am hoping it will be resolved during the next surgery. It's also becoming painful to wear bras. I had a tight support bra on last week and after an hour I felt stabbing pains in both breasts. We were out to dinner with friends and I had to come home and take a dilaudid. It was a real bummer because we had hired a babysitter and planned on making it a late night.

This weekend I had one of the worst migraines I've had in a while. The vomit, cold sweats, and nearly black out kind. Matt was wonderful and took care of Charlotte while I huddled up in the dark, freezing cold bedroom. At one point he asked me if I needed to go to the ER. I think this was the first time he's experienced me with one of 'the big ones'.

I'm having some issues with my mom's group. Just some personality clashes, but it's been difficult. I wasn't sure how to handle it and I second-guessed myself all the way to a bad decision. I've become increasingly intolerant of people lately and I can't decide if it's due to the cancer, heading into my mid-40s, or just my character. People need to be nice to each other and I failed at making that point by being mean.

Cha started swim lessons last week at the local Y. She loves the water but couldn't follow directions to save her life. If the instructor told her to slowly climb in the pool she jumped. And there was no laying on her back and kicking. She just wanted to laugh and splash. This is a beginner class and the purpose to familiarize the kids with water and make them comfortable getting their heads wet. Cha already does well with that so I guess she's ahead of the game. I'm looking forward to the next class when she's alone with the instructor.