Introducing the 'Uglies' - part 1

I wanted to get this started so I can completely put them out of my mind. I share my experiences to enlighten people and certainly not to start a debate. Please do not contact me and try to explain 'their point of view'.

I encountered the worst nurse ever while I was in the hospital. Actually, there were several that were bad and I am going to roll them all into one and simply call her Idiot Nurse so you know what to look out for should you ever be a patient. I complained to the responsible parties and feel confident that I was heard, so I'm done with it.

Comments/situations which caused serious panic attacks, major tears, and severe lack of confidence in the care I was receiving:

Ten hours after surgery I woke up in CCU. Idiot Nurse saw me and asked how I was doing. I told her I was very uncomfortable. Her response: 'You don't look uncomfortable to me. You've got to expect some pain when you get a tummy tuck.'

Minutes later Dr. K came in to check on me while the nurse was still there. He mentioned that it was very important to keep the pain under control today. She said she was planning on giving me a pill shortly. He told me he wanted it administered via IV since it hits the system quicker. She disagreed and said pills were better since they lasted longer. When he walked out the room she gave me half a pill and said if I was still in pain after a half hour to buzz her and she'd give me the other half.

One thing I need to note right now, the nurse the night before was FANTASTIC! When she gave me the first dose of pain meds I reminded her that I had bad reactions to Percocet in the past, so I couldn't take it. I also mentioned it in my pre-admission paperwork.

Less than a half hour after the first pill, I started to feel even worse. I buzzed the nurse who finally showed up 30 minutes later and said it was obvious that she was going to have to give me something for my anxiety. I told her I still felt terrible so she gave me the other half of the pill. Then she mentioned that the other Percocet should kick in quickly. I was shocked and told her that I wasn't supposed to take Percocet. She said: 'No you didn't, you told me that you couldn't take Vicodin.' There was no arguing with that idiot.

I started getting nauseous and my head was spinning. The first time I took Percocet years ago I felt suicidal. It did weird things to my mind and body and made me feel like jumping out the window. At that time I laid in bed and longed to throw myself at the glass so it would cut all my nerves and relieve my pain. That's how I began to feel on Tuesday when idiot nurse gave it to me.

Idiot nurse said she'd have to contact my doctor about giving me some anti-nausea meds. This took over an hour so I suffered for several hours all due to one stupid, incompetent woman.

Sometime either day two or day three Dr. S ordered that I wear some support. He wanted a sports bra that wasn't too tight. The hospital didn't have one that fit so Idiot Nurse decided to use a stomach binder. She wrapped my breasts very tight and I have to admit it felt good not to have them move, even a tiny bit. Matt brought in a bra from home but it was also too small. He tried three times before he found something that would do.

The morning after putting on the stomach binder Dr. S came to check on me. He was ticked when he saw it and asked who put it on. I told him Idiot Nurse said he told her to. He made the comment that she might have just caused the breasts to fail. He continued on with his check and asked when I last used the toilet. I told him I didn't know I was supposed to. Idiot Nurse removed my foley hours before and she told him that she was taking me to sit on the toilet. When we was finished with my check he went to speak to her. Later that day I heard her whispering to another nurse outside my room, blaming it on the night time nurse.

During Dr. S' chat with Idiot Nurse she learned that I was actually a breast cancer survivor and had very extensive surgery. He explained the details to her and she seemed fascinated by this new and exciting procedure. At one point she came in and said she hadn't realized why I was there, not that it caused her to suddenly become compassionate or anything.

Note about my pain: The first couple of days my biggest pain was in my chest. The surgeon had to cut cartilage from the middle of my chest. He had to cut muscles which made it very painful to move my arms or breathe. I was unable to pull myself up using my arms or reach for things. If the call button fell on the floor (and it did several times) I was unable to get it. I ended up screaming for help many times, which was very painful in itself.

One day my body slumped down too far on the bed and I asked to be propped back up. Since I couldn't do it myself Idiot Nurse called three other people in to assist. When the others arrived she told me that she wanted to show them the procedure. She did this often. She was so obsessed with it and took some sort of pride in showing it off. Was I comfortable with my body being exposed to these strangers who didn't need to see it, absolutely not!

Idiot Nurse went as far as to print out info from the internet on the procedure and carry it around in her pocket. Initially she saw me as the typical Main Line mom who was in for a tummy tuck and breast reduction. She could give a crap about my pain or how I was doing emotionally. Then I became a freak show who she had to show off to her own little world.


To be continued.....

My daily to-do and what it's like so far

This is what I've been charged with doing every day:

I have four drains. Two are attached to my breasts and two are attached to my abdomen. I empty them every 4 hours or so and have to keep track of the times and how much fluid is draining. When the output is less than 30 ml a day then I can have them removed. Yesterday the output was averaging 40 ml per drain every time I emptied them, so I've still got quite a while.

I have to do breathing exercises since I've got fluid in my lungs and we don't want it to turn into something serious. I have been coughing up phlegm for days, which is painful but good.

I have to wear TEDS stockings which help to prevent blood clots.

I am also doing arm and leg exercises to keep my muscles from going funky.

I can shower and wear deodorant (some people aren't able to 1 week post surgery). I don't let the water run down my front only because I'm afraid of the pain.

I'm wearing a sorta loose fitting sports bra. My body is still very swollen and it's been difficult to find something that fits around my chest. The breasts are a very lumpy DD but I'm wearing a DDD since we have to tuck absorbent pads in there. The dying tissue is putting out a bit of blood and fluids.

I am taking the following medication:

875 mg of antibiotics twice a day
2 mg of pain meds (a generic Dilaudid) every four hours or as needed
5 mg of generic Valium every 8 hours or as needed
10 mg of Lexapro once a day
Iron supplement
Stool softener

1st night at home

That was hell. I was so overwhelmed and in so much pain. I had a hard time keeping track of my meds and my drains in the middle of the night. I was up several times.

I had no help. My entire family stayed upstairs on the 2nd floor while I suffered on the first. Yes, I am very angry. I needed support in the middle of the night and was completely ignored.

Will update when I'm feeling better.

So Blessed

I finally got a minute to check in so I thought I'd give a quick update. The surgery was 12 hours and very complicated due to muscle spasms and blood supply issues. Dr. S was able to move quite a bit of tissue so my breasts are ENORMOUS. He had noticed mid surgery that my tissue wasn't the best quality and knew that I would end up with some failure. As of now I've got two big areas that are dying. The plan is to go in some time in the next 7 to 1o days when he can tell how much is truly going to survive and cut out what hasn't. At that time he'll reshape and I'll probably end up with a large B cup.

The recovery has been miserable. I've never experienced so much pain and to tell you the truth I thought it would be easier. I've spent the whole week with a sheet draped over me writhing in pain. I'm going to eventually post a 'good, bad, and ugly' note about the whole surgery/hospital experience so I won't go too much into it now. I want to remain positive and I don't want the negatives to ruin any more of my time here.

The bottom line is that the pathology report came back 100% clean. There was nothing further in the nodes and the rest of the breast tissue was fine. Today I do not have cancer and I feel so incredibly blessed. I cried on the phone when Dr. K called me with the news.

I'll be coming home tonight after dinner. My hemoglobins are a little low but Dr. S thinks it's because I've been on fluids so long. Physically I feel fine today, just a whole lot of sore. I am looking forward to going home tonight and squeezing my little girl. I've missed her so much!

I'll post more soon.

If I die before I wake....

...I pray the Lord my soul to take.

Not that it's going to happen, but I thought it needed to be said.

We're off to the hospital but I'll talk to you all soon!

Hospital/Visiting Info

I'll be at Paoli Hospital. The address is 255 West Lancaster Avenue Paoli, PA 19301, 610-648-1000. Visiting hours are 10 am to 9 pm, tho I'm not sure how I'll feel about visitors on Mon or Tuesday. I will have my cell phone and my laptop so I'll prob be up to checking messages/email Tues afternoon, but who knows!

Thanks to my mommy friends!

Here's a couple pictures from dinner last night. How is it possible not to have fun with this crew!

the day before ramblings

So much to say but I have no idea how to organize my thoughts this morning.

I feel like I've spent the last three weeks working on a very long to-do list. There are a million things that I feel like I have to get done before tomorrow and I can't turn my brain off. It's been appointments of one kind or another every single day and I'm exhausted. My mom and Regina got to town Thursday night and Saturday morning I found myself scrubbing the washer and dryer in the basement. Why, exactly? I have no clue, but I felt like it had to be done.

I saw my shrink yesterday and we talked about it. I've got to feel in control of not only the cancer but everything and it's taking it's toll on me. One thing I've been reluctant to share is that I blacked out last week. I was picking up Cha from daycare and she wanted me to hold her as we walked out the door. I bent down to get her (and her lunchbox, and school bag, two teddy bears, her coat, and her blanket) and when I stood up something happened and I fell. I have no clue if I tripped of what, all I remember was sitting on the floor with Cha in my lap and her teachers standing over me. I had bonked my head on a door knob and as I was going down I guess Cha hit her nose on it too. Her nose was bleeding and she was screaming. I mark that all down to being overly stressed and panicky. The Xanax makes me super tired and I haven't been taking it like I should. (Remember, I have too much to do to waste all day sleeping!)

Anyway, I asked Dr. M2 how to turn off my brain. How do I sit down for an hour and not only do nothing but feel like it's okay to do nothing? I've been doing my daily relaxations but that's only because I add them to the to-do list and schedule it in. How do I live a life that's not so scheduled? That's something for a post-cancer therapy appointment I think.

Dr. M2 instructed me to do absolutely nothing today. Well, actually he told me to pull out my list and schedule 6 hours of doing nothing. If it's on the list, it will get done. However, that's just not happening.

How do I do nothing when there is a husband who worked 70 hours this week and just wants to sleep-in this morning? And when there's a 2 year old who doesn't want Grandma or Regina or even Daddy? She's screaming for me and it's interrupting my 'nothing' time. Darling Husband is getting mad at me for laying around the house for the past three weeks and not taking Cha off his hands this morning. How does he not understand that this had not been a vacation for me? He may be in denial about what is going on but he's got to give me a break.

I went out to dinner and drinks with the working moms last night and I was able to relax and have fun but the surgery was right there not even trying to hide in the back of my mind. I ran into an old friend while we were out. I hadn't seen him in probably a year and I gave him a big hug. He told me he heard about the cancer and his compassion really touched me. I am so fortunate to have so many people who love me and are praying for me. I started to cry at the bar (and no, it wasn't alcohol) and snuck out the door. I told one of my girlfriends that I was leaving but I couldn't bear to hug and say goodbye to my friends. I was already on the edge and hugs from 14 beautiful, wonderful women would have turned me into a sobby mess.

Right now I've locked myself in my bedroom for a break. I'm in my PJs and four kitties are snuggled up beside me in bed. The downstairs is filled with crying babies and a frazzled family. It's hard not to think that if I went downstairs the crying would stop, but then so would my 'nothing' time.

Note: Before a dozen people start sending me emails complaining about Matt and how he needs a smack in the head, please don't. We're both totally stressed out and while I can always trump him with the cancer card, he's holding a pretty crappy hand himself.

Is it time for bed yet?

Wow, I'm tired.

Mom and Regina's flight was supposed to arrive at 10:59 pm last night. I checked the flight status at 10:00 when we left for that airport and it showed that it was going to be early. It was raining in Philly but nothing too major but the plane was still an hour late.

When I met up with Mom, Regina and Baby Mason we waited at the baggage area for what seemed like forever. Mom picked up her bags rather quickly but Regina just stood there. She thought she saw her bag go around but a man picked it up so we continued to wait. Then they said all the bags had been delivered and hers was missing. Crap!

She, Baby Mason and I stood in the lost luggage line for about an hour. Baby Mason was tired, cranky and very hungry. Since it was such a long day Regina had run out of water for his formula. The two of us must have said a million times how hungry he was and how we needed to feed him but the ten people in front of us had all the compassion of Philly natives. I know if I had seen a young mother with a hungry baby I would bump her to the front of the line no question. Oh well.

At a little after 1:00 am we were in the car on our way home. Baby Mason and Cha fell asleep in the car thankfully. The rest of us were barely keeping our eyes open. I'm so thankful that Matt drove and took care of us so well.

We were all home and in bed by 2:00 am. You would think that since the babes didn't get much sleep they would sleep in. Nah, that would be too easy. Cha was up just after seven and when we got downstairs we found Regina and Baby Mason already on the couch. Mom was the only one lucky enough to get some decent shut eye.

Around 9:30 my cellphone rang. Some strange man asked if I was Regina. I thought it was the airport so I said yes. The man apologized profusely and said he didn't notice til he got home that he accidentally picked up the wrong bag. He felt so terrible when he noticed the formula and baby clothes and said he knew immediately who the bag belonged to. He lives an hour away so I suggested that we meet half way. He showed up right after us and apologized again and gave Regina $60 for her trouble. Not too bad!

Cha and Baby Mason had a wonderful time playing together this morning. Baby Mason is such a sweet and mellow baby and I already love him to pieces. Regina and I just got them both down for a nap and are finally able to relax. I thought I'd post an update before I sat on the couch and passed out.

Oh, and the hospital called and just as I suspected I have to be there at 6:00 am on Monday.

No Mutation Detected!

Whew!!

The genetic counselor said we'll probably never know why I got cancer at such a young age, but it's definitely not genetic. I feel so relived for the rest of the family, especially Cha.

Yippee!!

Genetic Testing

It's been nearly four weeks so I called the genetic counselor this morning to see if she'd heard any word. She called me back in the afternoon and said she just got the results and asked me when I wanted them. I told her my surgery was scheduled for Monday and I'd like them beforehand if possible. She said she could schedule me for tomorrow (Wed) from 12:30 to 1:30.

Hmmm, that doesn't exactly sound like the best of news. Even if she isn't legally allowed to tell me bad news herself, or over the phone, why a whole hour? Matt suggested that she slots everyone for an hour, no matter how long it will take. That's a possibility.

I seriously considered not even getting the results until after my surgery, so it's one less thing to worry about. But then that nagging 'what if there is no after the surgery' reared it's ugly head and I figured I want to know and get the word out if necessary.

Like I mentioned in a previous post, there are lots of women in my family. I've got nine nieces and nephews and then my darling Cha to think about. If I have this gene there is a chance that they may too. Three of my nieces are at the age where they could be tested for the gene, not that they necessarily have to (especially since it's a $3,100 test which would be out of pocket) but I would like them to know they are high risk and to start the self breast exams early. (Sorry, that sentence was entirely too long!)

Hopefully I'll be back online tomorrow at 1:00 pm saying all is well, that they just wanted to meet and thank me for my business. Either way I'll post the results when I get them.

ETA: I also wanted to note that I have three brothers to think about. If any of them carry the BRCA1 gene they would be 3 to 7 times more likely to develop prostate cancer and are at greater risk for developing breast cancer (men get it too!).

Pre-Admission Testing

I had my pre-admission appointment at Paoli this morning. They confirmed my information, had me sign a bunch of paperwork and took some blood for CBC and a pregnancy test, which is standard. (Wouldn't that be a hoot!)

Someone from the hospital will call me Friday afternoon to tell me when to arrive Monday morning. I am guessing it's going to be very early since I need to be injected with the dye for the sentinel node biopsy. I'll probably have to be at the hospital 2 or 3 hours before the surgery is even scheduled to begin. Dr. S said he'll need to see me beforehand to mark me up, so it's going to be a very long day.

This afternoon I paid all the bills for the rest of the month, made my contact list of who Matt or my mom should call when it's done, pulled out a copy of my living will (which I need to bring with me) and started packing my hospital bag. Yesterday I went to Old Navy and took advantage of their 75% off sale (thanks for the tip Angie!) and bought a few PJs for $3 and $4 a piece. The woman in admissions today gave me a list of items to bring and I think I have everything covered. I'll be packing everything in my bright red Oracle bag to remind me of everyone at work who is praying for me.

Tomorrow night Cha and I have a playdate with the working moms, Thursday I have to clean out the cars, meet with my shrink, and pick up my mom and Regina from the airport, and then Friday I can relax!

Got my porn pictures done

And I didn't even get paid!

I got a call from the plastic surgeon's scheduling secretary a week or so ago reminding me of an appt this Friday. Only, I had a note on my calendar that it was this morning. I called them when I noticed and they said I was due in a half hour. Fortunately I was dressed and had already dropped Cha off at daycare. I sped over there with a whopping five minutes to spare.

I was put in a room and stripped down while the PS took pictures. Nah, that's not humiliating at all! I'm sure a year from now I'll be asking for copies to remind myself how far I've come.

The surgeon was very nice and really helped to put me at ease. I asked a few questions and he kept asking if I had any more. Despite the dozen other people in the waiting room, there was no sense of hurry. I mentioned my anxiety issues and he told me to go out and have a few margaritas and try to relax.

Tomorrow morning I have my pre-admissions appt at the hospital. I might just call them this afternoon to make sure that hasn't changed.

Saturday Morning Chatter

Matt is working today so Cha and I are on our own.

This morning while she was chasing the kittens around she suddenly stopped and we had the following conversation:

Cha: Mommy, where's Daddy?
Me: He's at work.
Cha: He's working?
Me: Yep, but he'll be home later.
Cha: So, he's eating french fries?
Me: He might have french fries for lunch.
Cha: And pizza?
Me: Maybe pizza.
Cha: And Nuggets!?
Me: Yep, maybe nuggets.
Cha: COOL!

I'm guessing she doesn't quite understand the concept of work. Either that or she thinks her daddy is a professional eater.

Oh, and we've been talking about Grandma, Regina and Baby Mason coming out to visit. She knows they're all be coming in on a plane. On the way home from school yesterday she saw an airplane in the sky and called out "Hi Grandma, see you soon!"

I love this kid!

Good day

I had a good day today. Cha and I slept in a bit and I got her to school by 8:30. She was in a great mood this morning and happy to see her friends.

After I dropped her off I decided to go for breakfast. I grabbed the local paper and stopped at Nudy's in P'ville. The place was empty so I didn't feel guilty taking my time and getting lost in the news. It was nice not to be in a hurry.

I came home and took a walk around the neighborhood. It wasn't as warm as yesterday but it still felt good to clear my head. MIL loaned me a meditation CD which I played while laying on the couch and it was amazing. There's a meditation for busy people which is a five minute guided imagery track. I got lost in the words and the sounds and felt incredible when it was over.

Most of the rest of the day was spent on getting the guest room ready for my mom and Regina and cleaning the house. It was nice to keep busy tho I did take a Xanax around lunch when I started feeling a bit edgy.

Tonight was game night with the working moms. There were ten of us and there was lots of laughter. That was just what the doctor ordered. We had so much fun and I stayed much later than I thought I would. I love my mom friends!

I thought about keeping Cha home from daycare tomorrow but I think I'll take her in late and pick her up early. I'd like to keep up with the long, quiet walk and break out the yoga DVDs.

The Wescotts

In December 2004 I went out to Wisconsin to visit my family for the holidays. We spent Christmas day at my aunt's house and it was crowded, but fun. As I sat in the packed living room watching all my cousins and their kids, I noticed how many girls there are in my family and I wondered how I got stuck with three brothers.

My mother is one of five sisters, the Wescott girls. They all raised a pack of wild kids and none of them, my mother included, have had a fairy tale life. There have been wonderful times but there were also challenges and yet the Wescott girls were still together laughing, telling stories and caring for their families. I realized that day that my mother came from a long line of very strong women. They are fighters who never give up and always manage to find time for laughter.

The very next month I got pregnant and in April 2005 I found out that I was having a girl. I felt I had no choice but to give her the Wescott name and hope that the strength, humor and love carried down from her maternal grandmother. I am sad that I do not live closer to my family. I would love for Charlotte Wescott Crocker to be surrounded by the women she was named after.

A note to Aunt Dorothy: I got your email on Monday and it made me cry. Thank you for thinking of me and for giving me hope.

Update

I'm still battling with anxiety. The surgery is still set for Jan 21st and every morning I get up and think 'I've only got x number of days left on this earth' (hence the anxiety issues). I know it's irrational but I can't turn off the fears.

My family doctor upped my Lexapro to 10 mg but I haven't felt any change yet. I went to see my shrink yesterday and he suggested that I stop working now and mellow out because going into surgery with an anxious mind and body will only work against me. What I didn't know until yesterday was that Dr. M2 is a cancer survivor. He's suffered thru 2 bouts of chemo 14 years apart so I felt comfortable with the advice he was giving me.

I met with the breast surgeon this morning and he wrote me a note keeping me out of work, so as of now I am on disability until mid-March. He also gave me a script for Xanax and told me not to be afraid to take it. He said he's glad that I'm on the Lexapro because that will help after the surgery when most people get depressed after being anxious for so long.

I called my boss and told him I wasn't coming back and that was the hardest part. I've been feeling like such a failure at work and I know that's been contributing to the anxiety. He was great about it and told me to do whatever I had to. I just hope my co-workers feel the same way when they see all the things that aren't getting, or didn't get, done.

I have also been having issues with feeling like Matt is not being as supportive as I need him to be. He prefers to tell me that everything will be fine and that I need to concentrate on the positive. He does not like seeing me cry. That's partially what prompted my visit to the shrink yesterday. The shrink mentioned that he's most likely keeping himself in denial because he has to hold it together for me and Cha. Regardless if that's the truth or not, I'm going to buy it. My shrink actually said denial isn't necessarily a bad thing in cases this like. He said studies show that cancer patients in denial actually fare better than people who are very emotional. That's why I've been instructed to mellow out STAT.

When I got home from the appt I took a long walk to the library. I was hoping to find a couple books on stress relief. Unfortunately my local library leaves much to be desired. I drove to the library the next town over and found everything I needed, plus a stress relieving yoga DVD. I also stopped by Walmart and picked up a cheapie CD player so I can listen to music when I walk. (Thanks for the great CD Auntie Ca!)

My job the next week and a half is to relax and clear my head.

Upcoming appointments

The surgery is set for two weeks from today.

On Wednesday I am meeting with Dr. K, the breast surgeon. This is the last appt with him before the surgery and Matt will be coming with me. It's more of a check-in where we'll discuss what will happen and Matt will get a chance to finally ask some questions. I am also going to ask him for some Xanax.

Wednesday will also be three weeks since the genetic testing and I still haven't received the results. Who knows if they'll come back this week or next.

Monday the 14th I have an appt for pre-admission testings at the hospital. I'll be meeting with the anesthesiologist's office (not sure if it's with the anesthesiologist him/herself).

Friday the 18th I am meeting with Dr. S, the plastic surgeon. He'll go over everything and take some before pictures. My mom will be in town so I'll probably bring her with me.

I will be calling Dr. M2's office shortly to see if I can get an appt this week. He's my shrink and I'm in desperate need of some time on the couch. I'm hoping he'll be able to fit me in asap.

ETA: Dr. M2 called me back and said he can squeeze me in tomorrow night. I'm not quite sure if talking is going to help, but I'm going to give it a shot. What I really need is a time machine so I can skip ahead to the end of January.

A coming out, of sorts

I have never met one of my best friends. I share all my secrets with her and she probably knows me better than anyone else on earth. We've spoken on the phone but have never met face to face. It's been planned, but life got in the way. I've got high hopes for 2008.

I post to a message board with a group of women who all had children in September 2005. There are 60 or so of us from all around the world and most of us first connected when we were 5, 6, or 7 weeks pregnant. We chatted about every detail of our pregnancies when people in real life (IRL) couldn't bear to hear another word. We were fascinated with each other's growing bellies, aches/pains and labor symptoms. We cried with and for each other and jumped with excitement over every new birth announcement. We've been there in good times and bad and we know each other better than our closest IRL friends and family.

But not everybody understands this virtual circle of friends. Yes, most of the women could indeed be playing some bizarro video game. Maybe the entire message board is filled with creepy old men pretending to be housewives from Michigan and raise families of ferrets with names like Carolynn, Ryleigh and Zach. I've met enough of them to have faith that they are all real live people on the other side of the keyboard.

I went to visit my family in Wisconsin a year ago. I was only there a short time but I told my folks that I needed to make a quick trek down to Illinois to have lunch with some friends. Where did I meet them, they asked? Well, technically I had never met them. I was meeting them that weekend for the very first time. But the hugs we exchanged were more genuine than those I reserved for my parents. I was just as happy to see them, hold their babies and laugh with them than I was the rest of my family.

The September moms have been my biggest supporters in this ordeal. They were the first to know the news and have been 'with me' every step of the way (as you'll notice by the blinkie under my profile picture). I would have never imagined that 'strangers' would become so important to my life and my sanity.

They deserve a round of applause!

High Expectations

Someone told me soon after the diagnosis that this is the time when I'll find who my true friends are. That may be partially so but does it lead to unrealistic expectations?

What happens when those who are closest to you fail to meet those expectations? What happens when the people you depend on most aren't able to fulfill your needs, especially when you're unable to spell them out? Should we judge someone's character because they just don't know what to say or how to act?

I have heard some shocking comments during the last month. A few of which made my jaw hit the floor. There have been times when I felt like smacking someone for an insensitive remark or gotten angry at someone for invading my space. What I need to remind myself is that it's not easy being on the other side of the table either. People mean well, they just might not be able to find the right words.

I do appreciate all the kind thoughts and well wishes. I am grateful for each and every friend and family member. I am truly fortunate to have so many people in my life offering support in one way or another.

If I failed to say it the last time I saw you....thank you.

My Mommy's Coming!

We got my mom's plane ticket yesterday. Both she and my niece will be flying out on Thursday January 17th. Regina will be staying for two weeks and my mom has agreed to stay for a month. My mom is deathly afraid to fly so she must really love me!

She's leaving from OKC and Regina is leaving from Madison. They're on the same flight, sitting next to each other actually, from Detroit to Philly. I am hoping that will make it easier for both of them. Regina will be carrying baby Mason with her and I'm sure she'll appreciate putting him on Grandma's lap. My mom won't be able to freak out too much with an infant in her arms.

Over the weekend Matt and I hurried around trying to set up the house. We've been using the 3rd bedroom as our office so we had to move things around. Thankfully, the kitties have quickly adjusted to having their litter boxes moved to the basement. I am still on the lookout for a deal on a full size bed so let me know if you hear of anything (or have an extra one collecting dust in your basement!)

My biggest fear (warning....big downer post)

Yes, I'm afraid of needing chemo or radiation. I'm also afraid of ending up with ugly scars, lifelong pain, ending up with enormous medical bills, and not having a job to go back to when it's all over.

My biggest fear, the one that makes me shake in panic and cannot easily be brushed off, is the fear of dying on the operating table. I fear that something, not necessarily the surgeon's doing, will go wrong and I just won't wake up. Friends remind me that we can die at anytime, in a car accident or slip in the tub. But getting in your car every morning doesn't require a heart to heart with your spouse about your 'wishes'.

Matt asked where I wanted to be buried and that's tough. What happens if I'm buried here and Matt moves on and suddenly Cha has a new mommy? I don't want to end up in a cemetery with a broken headstone or overgrown weeds. (More importantly, I don't want my beautiful daughter to need a new mommy!)

I don't want Cha to lose contact with my side of the family. She has wonderful grandparents, aunts/uncles and cousins who love her. I want her to grow up knowing them and their crazy senses of humor. She has to learn to play cribbage and euchre. She needs to experience a cross country road trip and the joy of finding the largest ball of twine. And a flat tire on the way to Bummerfest, what would life be like without that character building journey?

(Oh, if you hadn't noticed I called my doctor and asked to up my dosage of Lexapro. I'm having a really hard time with things right now and need help snapping out of it.)

Happy New Year!

Knock wood that 2008 is good to us all!

We went out to dinner with a small group of friends last night. Cha had a wonderful time running around and playing with the other kids. After the meal we went to a friend's house and had even more fun. Matt had a blast playing tennis and bowling on Wii. That is one of the coolest game systems ever.

Cha started getting fussy around 11:00 so we headed home. I'm shocked that she stayed up til 11:30. She was home and sound asleep by 11:45 dreaming of her buddies. I barely made it to midnight and vaguely remember Matt flipping the channel to see the ball drop.

2007 had some good points, but I'm glad to be done with it.


Cha and her Tebby Bear - Don't leave home without it!