it's that time again

It's almost my baby girl's birthday and she is very excited. She's been counting down the days for over a month. The weeks leading up to her birthday are usually very emotional for me. They take me back to the days before she was born and I get very sentimental reliving her life in my mind.

The night before Cha was born we had the tires replaced on my Forester. They didn't necessarily need to be replaced but Matt wanted extra safe tires for his girls. So, we dropped the car off at CJs Tires in Phoenixville then headed over to Sly Fox for dinner. I had the meatloaf, which wasn't fantastic but for some reason seemed like a very mom-like thing to order. We had the obligatory 'this is our last meal without a baby' talk and enjoyed the quiet before the storm.

Six years ago today was my last day at work before my maternity leave. I planned to work up until the final moment but then I passed my due date and was feeling super uncomfortable and decided I needed one final day of rest before my scheduled induction. I remember it all so clearly and hope I always do.

She is my miracle. She's the baby my doctors told me I'd never have.


Take That Science!

Peggy Noonan, Tom Sizemore, Michael Stipe and Mom

One of my favorite R.E.M. songs reminds me of one of my favorite movie scenes ever which is the topic of one of my favorite essays.

From Peggy Noonan's Everybody's Shot (a must read):

There's a small but telling scene in Ridley Scott's "Black Hawk Down" that contains some dialogue that reverberates, at least for me. In the spirit of Samuel Johnson, who said man needs more often to be reminded than instructed, I offer it to all, including myself, who might benefit from its message.

The movie, as you know, is about the Battle of the Bakara Market in Mogadishu, Somalia, in October 1993. In the scene, the actor Tom Sizemore, playing your basic tough-guy U.S. Army Ranger colonel, is in charge of a small convoy of humvees trying to make its way back to base under heavy gun and rocket fire. The colonel stops the convoy, takes in some wounded, tears a dead driver out of a driver's seat, and barks at a bleeding sergeant who's standing in shock nearby:

Colonel: Get into that truck and drive.
Sergeant: But I'm shot, Colonel.
Colonel: Everybody's shot, get in and drive.

"Everybody's shot." Those are great metaphoric words.

Today is the anniversary of my mom's death. Somehow it's comforting to know that everyone's mom dies. We're all in this together.



R.E.M. just announced that they are breaking up. Sad news.

i don't know how she does it

Last night some friends and I went to see I Don't Know How She Does It, which is the new movie by Sarah Jessica Parker.

Tagline: A working mother strives to balance her demanding career with the stress of raising two young children and maintaining a healthy marriage

The movie irked me. It did a disservice to working moms everywhere. So cliched and simplistic. I hope the real world doesn't think that's what it's really like for 'us'. Two separate times I was ready to walk out.

My advice to the main character Kate, who finds herself way too frazzled over self created drama:

Get yourself a full time live-in nanny. The movie family suffered many times due to a nanny who was habitually late and had to leave at 5:00 pm. That's totally unrealistic. As a former nanny, I know. I understand finding a caretaker who holds a special place in the children's lives, but she's there to do a job for the family and if she can't be there when the family needs her, she's got to go.

Buying bakery made desserts is not the end of the world. Staying up late and stressing yourself out by trying to make a store-bought pie look homemade is just stupid. Seriously. Especially for a school bake sale, which is voluntary. Order from a local bakery who delivers or better yet ask the full time, live in nanny if she could take on the task.

If you are lucky enough to have a high powered career that you love, rejoice. Do not buy into the guilt about 'not being there for your kids'. If you're successful in talking a billion dollar company into investing in your mutual fund proposal, you're smart enough to know that your children have a tremendous advantage over millions of other children in this world.

It is very possible, without much effort really, to have a friendly and platonic working relationship with an attractive co-worker without either of you signing your emails with 'XO'.

In the business world, brushing your hair is pretty much expected.

Cha has not once ever said she wished that I stayed home. She knows a world where both of her parents have jobs during the day and the family is home together at night. It's natural and Matt and I have never apologized to her for it. She is aware that some of her friends have a parent who stays at home but we have never told her that one is better than the other. Just like some are happy in the city and others in the country, people are different. If you continually apologize to your kid for having to work and not be home, they're going to use that against you.

If a child is having a near mental breakdown over her mother not being there to build a snowman with her, there are much bigger issues than the mother having, wanting or needing to work. The child needs to know that sometimes mom and dad have to say no, but that doesn't mean the child is any less a priority.

One thing I will agree with are the sleepless nights due to the lists that never seem to shorten. I can keep myself up all night thinking about the 500 things that need to get done asap. My current stresser is that my list is scattered among four different notebooks. One of my top five to-do items is consolidating the list so nothing (further) falls through the cracks.

It will get done because eventually everything does.

gonna need a big balloon

I started working on a letter to my mom. Next Thursday is the first anniversary of her death and I plan on attaching the letter to a balloon and releasing it to the sky. There are many things Ive been wanting to say and I hope the letter will give me a bit of peace.

The location of the release is a bit surprising. It makes sense to do it in a place where I feel close to her. My parents lived at least 1,000 miles away for over half my life. We were never physically close but we spoke and visited quite often.

One special visit was just two years ago when my parents came out to PA. They stayed in a hotel up the road from us and one of my favorite pictures of my mother is a shot in front of that hotel. Cha and I were waiting in the hotel for their arrival and my little girl was so excited when she first saw their car, then her Grandma and then her Grandpa. It was emotional for me to stand back and watch her embrace her grandparents.

We drive by that hotel nearly every day and Cha calls it 'Grandma's house'. I feel close to her when I see it and a piece of me believes that a piece of her lives on in that hotel.

Now to find a balloon big enough to carry the load.

a little brag

Altho, I didn't work nearly as hard as I could have which means it could have been better...

I had my labwork done for my 'diabetes' last week. I was stunned by the results since the week prior I had more than a few homemade cookies. I was hoping things would be okay, since I've lost 18 pounds since May but I really didn't think they'd be this good.

My history:

Feb 2009
Fasting - 147
Triglycerides - 250
A1C 6.4

Sept 2009
Fasting - 134
Triglycerides - 963 (ouch)
A1C 6.8

Sept 2010
Fasting - 139
Triglycerides - 159
A1C 6.2

Sept 2011
Fasting - 110
Triglycerides - 76
A1C 6.1

For reference, Fasting and Triglycerides should both be around 100 or below and a normal A1C level is 6. I'm getting there!

My theory, which my doctor doesn't think is likely but you never know, is that when I was diagnosed with cancer my body went into complete shock. I feel my stress induced depression is responsible for my sugars being all over the place. My body is beginning to stabilize and I am certain that in another five years (if not sooner) diabetes medication will no longer be necessary.

It's the only way I can explain it. You see, when I'm feeling good I make it to the gym three days a week, cut down (not out) sugars, sodium and carbs and load myself up with water. It's been a rough year tho, so those 'feeling good' weeks aren't as regular as they could be. I've never denied myself dessert, but I been strict with portion control. Two years ago Matt and I would each have a chicken breast for dinner. Last year Matt, Cha and I would all share that breast. This year chicken breasts are less frequent in our household but I still love my meat. (Matt cut out most animal products altogether).

Getting better.

Do me a favor

I've been holding this for a while and probably should keep my mouth shut, but more and more stories keep coming out and I just want to scream.

Every child who has been abused / molested / assaulted / whatever you call it in their life who grows up to have children, please for the LOVE OF GOD be overly protective of your children and do everything IN YOUR POWER to make sure that the same thing never happens to them.

Second, third, and fourth check any person who circles your child's environment and do not leave your child alone with anyone you do not, without a shadow of a doubt, fully and completely trust. Survivors have a sixth sense about people. You need to listen to your gut.

Make it Stop

Protect Our Children

Enough is Enough

Happy Thoughts and Thanks

I am thankful that my daughter is enjoying school and is excited about going each day. May that last a long, long time.

I am glad that my dad is settled in at his new house and is finding joy in his life.

I am happy my husband is successfully embracing a vegetarian diet, which has led to weight loss and muscle gain.

I am delighted that while Cha and I still eat (and enjoy) meat, we are eating less of it and chowing down on more veggies.

I am ecstatic that it's Mom's Retreat planning time! We'll be heading up to the lake sometime in late October or early November. Fun, fun, fun!

I am super grateful that our house did not suffer any damage from the recent hurricane, earthquake, or flooding and that our basement remained dry. Yippee!!

I am relieved that I finally decided on Cha's 6th birthday party and the invites have been sent out, and many RSVPs have been received. She's going to be excited and surprised.

I am stoked that the new season of Boardwalk Empire will be starting soon, and that the past episodes are On Demand so I can get caught up.

I am also looking forward to the new season of Bored to Death. It's one of the funniest shows on TV and Ted Danson has never been funnier!

I am getting a kick out of the banter between @SteveMartinToGo, @AlecBaldwin, @GarryShandling, and @AlbertBrooks on Twitter. You have to follow all four to read them play off each other. They are four of my favorite comedians and they make me laugh every day. (And you can find me at @jonijenks, tho I follow more than I post.)