just say no

Some days I just want to sit Cha down and explain in great detail why I feel that drugs are bad. I want to pull out pictures, videos, facts and figures and tell her personal stories of how drug use and abuse has ruined lives of people she knows and loves. And I want to tell her every single day to Just Say No. Not that I will have much control over it but I want that information in her databank so she can think about it when the time comes.

We had the drugs, alcohol and cigarettes conversation and she knows how her father and I feel about them. But sometimes I feel the need to Scared Straight her, before she even gets a chance to stray.

Yesterday I saw a girl who broke a little piece of my heart. She's a girl from my neighborhood, a casual acquaintance I met years ago. Back then she was a fresh faced babysitter who was flirting with the wrong crowd. Fast forward several months and she's living with someone who was arrested for manufacturing and distributing drugs. A few months later the two of them are physically fighting in front of my house. Then one day she's pregnant, they get evicted and are forced to find an even less desirable living arrangement.

I continued to see her around town, waiting tables and cashiering at several different places. She was a hard worker juggling two jobs and taking care of her child. I'd ask about her life and her baby and she always said things were good. I never asked about the boyfriend.

She was someone Cha knew. The girl babysat for her friends and they'd see each other on the playground. If I were to say the girl's name now I'm sure Cha would remember her.

Yesterday the girl was barely recognizable. My jaw seriously hit the floor when I realized who she was. She was a Faces of Meth poster come to life and it was disturbing. The hair was a mess, the face looked beaten up, she weighed less than a 100 lbs and she was wearing pajamas that were hanging off her. She was stumbling up to a customer service counter to purchase lottery tickets. I did not have the heart to stop and say hello. All I could do was stare and wish that Cha was standing next to me so I could point to the girl and show her what drugs can do to you.

And of course pray for the girl's mother.

a perfect moment

I had a perfect moment recently and was lucky enough to realize it.

We took Cha to her first horse riding lesson. It's something she's been dreaming about for a long while. The lessons were a Christmas present from us and she's been talking about them daily ('How many more days now??'). She was shaking with excitement the day of her lesson and we were pretty pumped too.

Matt and I stood in the observation area while our little girl circled the ring. She showed great confidence and balance and took in everything the instructor threw at her. We could see her smile from 100 yards away.

Our sweet little girl was blissfully happy, and my goodness did that feel good.

I am so blessed.

Help!!!

We are having some um, 'behavior' issues at the moment. And they aren't the easy ones that can be managed with a three minute time out. My parenting philosophy has always been not to break her spirit, to respect her as a separate person and raise her to do unto others as you would have others do unto you. At this very moment I feel like that path is smacking me right in the face. I feel like a failure, like her independent nature, outspokeness and center-of-the-world-ness, as well as her inability to listen and follow directions are the direct result of me not being more stern and disciplined in the early days.

I am reluctant to call her a brat because she has a good heart and is capable of being kind, loving, and well-behaved but there are those moments, which seem to be lasting weeks on end, where she is intolerable. She is getting in trouble regularly at school. She cannot sit still or remain quiet, refusing to follow direction and she's hitting and kicking friends. She knows if she gets what amounts to a 'time out' at school she is punished at home. One time out equals no TV, two time outs and toys are taken away, three time outs and activities are cancelled. Today is a big day for her. If she comes home with another bad report we are canceling her horse riding lesson for next week. I really, really, really hate to do that because we are looking forward to it as much as she is, but something has to be done.

It's reached the point where I am thinking a professional needs to sit down and talk to her. Maybe they can find out if there's something deep down that is bothering her and causing this terrible behavior or if there's some magic trick for us to kick start her good-naturedness. I am at wits' end.

gottahava wawa (and a good cry)

I work from home on Fridays. I usually start the day by dropping off Cha at school (or the bus) and running to Wawa for coffee. Wawa is our local convenience store, similar to 7-11, Circle-K or am-pm and in my not so humble opinion, they have the best coffee on the planet. They are a mini town center, where you can meet and greet your neighbors and get caught up in what's going on in the 'hood. They are also just about the only place where I feel comfortable wearing PJs in public.

The store was especially crowded this morning, tho I couldn't tell you why. Three registers were open with the same three cashiers I see every week. The lotto machine was down and customers were joking with employees about how it got broken. I got third in line behind a guy who also had a cup of coffee in hand. A buddy of his tapped him on the shoulder and asked if he could cover a 24 oz cup. He said go ahead and the buddy went to the back of the store to get his coffee.

One of the assistant managers announced to us that another line was open with no waiting, but I didn't want to move, and neither did the guy ahead of me. When he got to the front of the line the cashier said hello and asked if he wanted cigarettes, his regular order. He said yes and thank you and then the cashier said she hadn't seen him in a while and asked where he'd been. He said his father just died, pancreatic cancer, he fought for 18 months. The guy was out for three weeks helping with the arrangements and spending time with his mom.

When his transaction was finished his buddy called out from behind me about his coffee. The guy said he forgot and asked the cashier to ring him up. She did and he turned to me and apologized. Behind my tears I told him no problem and that I was sorry about his dad and that I had just lost my mother too. He said thanks.

Nearly a year and a half later and the pain of losing my mother still feels 'just'. When the guy left the cashier said 'You may think you may be, but you're never ready to lose a parent.' All I could say is 'Cancer sucks'.

I'll be enjoying my coffee over a good cry.

Miss you mom.

my sleeping babies

Cha and Puppy had a rough start to the year. They both woke feeling a little less than 100%. Here's a picture of them napping on my floor mid-morning. They bounced back quickly and spent today chasing each other and having fun.

May 2012 be the best year ever.