Thursday, May 26, 2016

Six months

I read something from a fellow stage 4 sister that echos my own thoughts.

Do I feel crappy for a healthy person, or amazing for a cancer patient?

Personally I am so tired of feeling crappy. I've had the same aches, pains, and complaints for the past six months and I can't say that any of them have gone away. Some of the symptoms have lessened due to chemo and radiation, but my body isn't as strong as it once was and those symptoms hit me harder than before.

I've lost 40 pounds in the last year and a half. Thirty of those within the last 8 months. Great, huh? I was a little excited when I started shedding those pounds and putting on clothes that hadn't fit in years. But most of those 40 pounds have been muscle. My poor little legs look scrawny and very, very old. My skin is hanging off me and looks like crepe paper. Not at all pretty.

I had an appointment with another oncologist this week for a second opinion. She is from a well respected medical facility, and came very highly recommended.  I feel so defeated thinking that I've given my all during the last six months and it's all been for nothing. Going into the appointment I had a list in my mind of things that I was and was not willing to do. Knowing this facility's reputation, I was expecting to pick and choose what treatments I wanted to try next. Imagine my disappointment when I heard that they had nothing new to offer, that my current team was doing exactly what needed to be done, and that was that.

My cancer continues to grow. That's the terrifying thing about being stage 4. The cancer never, ever gives up. Patients and doctors just need to keep plugging along, trying to stay two steps ahead of it. I've tried chemotherapy and hormonal therapy and both failed me. Now we just bounce between different chemicals trying to find one that works the best.

And those flight of stairs that used to knock the wind out of me six months ago? They are still just as challenging, only I am weaker and very, very tired.

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