forty five

As much as I enjoy my daughter being seven, I am loving me being forty five.  I've heard people say that as you get older you don't give a crap about things anymore.  Age gives you the ability to say and do what you want, freely.   I don't agree.

I will say that being 45 (much more than 44, 43, or even 40) has given me a buffer to not necessarily care how others feel about me.  I am still sensitive to others and even more careful about how I behave, but my skin has grown thick.   Snarky remarks or rude and sarcastic comments used to crush me.   Now I have the ability to throw up my hands and say 'Oh well!'.   That is something I could never do before my 45th birthday.  It feels good.

I have watched many relationships slide away during the past five years.   Some went quietly and naturally and others left with a loud boom.  There are times past that I will cherish forever but everything happens for a reason and at the moment I am exactly where I am supposed to be and with who I am supposed to be with.

However, I do wish my body hadn't hit the wall and started breaking down.   I feel like I'm aging on a fast track.

seven

My darling girl is seven.

The other night at bedtime she read a book to me.   I smiled at how well she read thinking back to when she was 3 and 4 and would cry because she couldn't read on her own.

We put the book down and I turned off the light.   She rolled over and nuzzled me and then started chatting.

Cha:  Mom, do you like to be called Mama or Mommy ?

Me:  I like to be called whatever you feel like calling me.

Me: What do you like me to call you?

Cha: I like it when you call me Char or Baby Bear but I'd really like it if you called me Sunshine Bear because it reminds me of you singing You are My Sunshine every night and it makes me feel loved.

My sweet, little, innocent girl.  At times she can be so challenging but she has the most amazing heart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday night we went to our town's Halloween parade.   She and I went alone while Matt stayed home studying.  Driving around trying to find a parking space was tough.  Especially since I forgot my glasses. I've got a bit of night blindness going on and some of our streets are barely lit.  I asked Cha to help me look, since my glasses were at home.  We eventually found a good spot and had fun at the parade. 

Yesterday she had her 7 year well check.  The first thing she said when we got in the car was 'Do you have your glasses?'   I love how she knows me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We are having some issues with friends, or rather who should be considered friends.   There are a group of girls who are not nice to her.  She's become a target of sorts and it's super difficult to witness, much less experience.  I've made calls to all the proper people but what it comes down to is that there are some not nice people in the world.  There are people who are rude and mean, who want nothing more than to make you cry or feel uncomfortable about yourself.   Those people can be nice and friendly and then suddenly strike out with unkind words leaving you to feel awful about yourself.  Those people are not friends.  They may invite you to play but that doesn't mean they have good intentions.

So my baby girl is learning about being the better person. About being polite and civil and being friendly to all. She is learning that people may not like you but that's okay.  Not everyone has to like you and you don't have to like everyone.

She has wonderful friends both in and outside of school.   She had a lovely birthday celebration with two of her BFFs from class.  They went to a movie, then shopping and finally stopped for some frozen yogurt.  There was lots of laughter and smiles and fun girl chatter.  That, my dear Sunshine Bear, is what friendship is all about.

biopsy okay

Got the results from the biopsy and there is no sign of cancer or pre-cancer but I still need surgery to remove some 'stuff'.  There's a chance they may find something alarming but I'm sure they won't.  I'm scheduled for the end of September so I guess I'm in a holding pattern until then.

In the meantime I am down, down, down.   It's coming up on the 2nd anniversary of my mother's passing and My God does that hurt.  I miss her so much.

I have lost many people in my life - grandparents, aunts, uncles, a brother, cousins, friends, neighbors, co-workers - and understandably my mother's death has hit me the hardest.  But this loss feels so unnatural.  Someone is in your life and then they're gone.  I know I carry her in my heart, but she is still gone.  Disappeared, and it feels very wrong.  

There are days when I feel like I'm still in shock.  Days where I re-live every moment of the weeks following her death. There are pictures of her all over the house and I look at her urn every morning.  I am so thankful that I have that little piece of her, literally.  It's physical proof that she existed.  I think I just may have gone mad if I didn't have some of her remains.  

Anyway, that's where I am. 

five years

This time five years ago I was fretting.  You see, I was in total denial about breast cancer believing absolutely that I would get it.  Since my early 20s or maybe even before I had a fear that I'd get breast cancer.   I had my first mammogram at 30 and held on to the 'all clear' letter for many years.   After Cha was born I had another and there was a little something but I was breastfeeding so they thought maybe that was it.  When I went back the following year they found something a little 'iffy' and they told me to come back in six months for another look.   That six months was February 2007.   But I didn't/wouldn't/couldn't think about it.   I swallowed the thought in hopes that it would just go away but it didn't.   It was on my mind constantly yet I was too paralyzed with fear to do anything about it.

Until November 2007 when I had a near breakdown and finally called to make the appointment.  I still had the script from my doctor, which was another daily reminder folded up in my wallet.   The days leading up to that call and the hours waiting for the appointment were hell.   One panic attack after another and many tears.   I'm a bit embarrassed to admit that months after the diagnosis I felt a bit of relief that I could finally stop worrying about getting breast cancer.  The rest is blog history.

And now here we are, very aware that that the big five year anniversary is right around the corner.   I've been dreaming up fun ways to celebrate the day with Matt, Cha and I because really it's a big day for them as well.  But first there's a bit of a bump.

I am once again waiting for biopsy results.  This time in my lady parts.   Something has been going on there for a while.  But instead of swallowing the fear I've been keeping my doctor in the loop.   You see, the breast cancer that was a constant worry for decades did not kill me.   I had it, I survived it, and I moved on.  

I'm not panicking about the results.   In my heart I'm thinking it's going to turn out all clear.  It could be my survivor status, five years of growth and experience, woman's intuition or maybe just the Zoloft but I know I'm going to be fine.

I'll keep you posted.

Thankful

So much to be thankful for!

1) I am thankful that on this day I have been lice-free for twenty days.   This is big.  Towards the end of the school year Cha came home with lice, which is an evil bastard that we battled daily for three weeks.  We were picking nits every single day, doing chemical and natural treatments way more often than we should, threw away bedding, overworked the hot water setting on the washing machine, sent all stuffed animals and soft sofa pillows to exile and went thru several packets of vacuum cleaner bags during that time.  We did everything we were told and tried everything that was suggested.  We are all now lice experts and I pray each and every day that they keep their distance.   So many tears.

2) I am thankful (truly blessed) for the week we were able to spend with my dad.  Or rather, the week he spent with us.  Every summer we drive out and visit him but this year I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  Instead we invited my dad to come visit us and he did.  He took the train, which was a whole new experience and we had a great time hanging out, laughing, playing games and just talking.    It truly was a gift and I pray that he can do it again next year.

3) I am thankful that I made it to 45.   Forty five is old, no longer even middle aged, but my mind still feels youthful and I can appreciate things (and people) like never before.  I've learned to keep my mouth shut, allow people to fail and redeem themselves on their own, hold dear friends closely, trust my gut, slow down and think, and don't suffer fools gladly.

4) I am thankful for the 230k+ miles that my little Subaru gave us before it went kaput.   That car gave us its all and it was appreciated.   We traded her in for another Toyota so we are now a two Toyota family, and totally loving it.  

5) I am thankful (as always) for Craigslist for helping to bring the perfect desk into our home.   The beautiful roll top desk which was purchased for $30 but didn't quite fit the family was traded for another beautiful desk which fits perfectly.  It's big, but not too big, comfortable, and exactly what we needed.

6) I am thankful for my circle of friends, including those in the outer regions who help keep our small town life interesting and grounded while helping to keep our time at the local pool entertaining.

7)  I am thankful for forgiveness, both received and given.  I have learned that it's enough to forgive without amends being made by either party.   Sometimes nothing else needs to be said, and that's okay.

8)  I am thankful for a power air conditoning unit which keeps our home comfortable in these extreme 90+ degree temps.  Holy Toledo it's hot!

9) I am thankful for the local library for allowing me to check out all formats of books, including audio  which helps keep me sane during my new 24 mile commute.   Our office moved and whereas I used to be a wonderful 8 miles from the office, I am now 24 miles away and have to take the dreaded Schuylkill Expressway to Philly.  Audio books keep my mind off the craziness of the roads.

10) I am thankful for my life.   I am alive.  

i still miss someone

Missing my mom on my birthday.

A song from my birthday buddy Bob Dylan...

good night my someone, good night my love

The first post ever in this blog was written after putting my little ChaCha Bear to bed.   Bedtimes have always been a long process and whereas sometimes (many times) I have a long list of end-of-day duties that need to be done, I treasure that time with her.   Our bedtime ritual usually lasts 30-40 minutes but on occasion she's been asleep within 10 minutes of walking in her bedroom door.

Read
Turn off the light
Talk briefly about the day
Sing lullabies
Rub her back and massage her head
Zzzzzzzz

There are a half dozen lullabies that I sing with my terrible and shaky voice.   When she was around two she started asking me to sing the ABC song, which is an odd choice but I can see how it can be soothing.

I can still hear her so clearly.   'Sing ABC Mommy.'  

I would lay down next to her, gently rub or tickle her back and sing the Alphabet Song while watching her fall into a deep and peaceful toddler sleep.  Then I'd slip out of the room and finish my mommy tasks.

She sleeps with a nightlight.  It's a glowing teddy bear that we call Bear Light.  Bear Light and Pillow Pet are bedtime requirements, along with the books and songs.

Last week she told me she's too old for a nightlight so she tried to sleep without it, but grew scared.   I told her I need Bear Light because sometimes I sneak into her room to watch her sleep and kiss her on the forehead, and I couldn't do it without a nightlight.   She's now free to keep Bear Light and blame it on me.


twinkle, twinkle little Char
how i wonder where you are
up above the world so high
like a diamond in the sky

twinkle, twinkle little Char
how i wonder where you are

I love bedtime.