Sunday, August 16, 2009

Lexapro

I'm trying my damnedest to get off my anti-depressants and it's making me sick. Emotionally and physically sick. I've been saying that I don't want to take them since the beginning of the year. It was one of my New Year's resolutions. Must get off the meds!

If you google Lexapro withdrawal you'll read hellish stories about how hard it is to get off these things. I've tried to wean myself many times in various ways - taking a pill every other day, taking only half a day daily, stopping cold turkey - and it's friggen hard!

Six months or so after I originally started taking them I would receive little notes in the bag from the pharmacy. The notes were warnings that taking the medication could cause suicidal thoughts. Every time I refilled my prescription the note was there. I always read the list of symptoms but they never really applied to me. I'm not having suicidal thoughts but I will admit that Lexapro has caused some really, really dark thinking. And, it causes some of the most violent dreams I've ever had. My dreams are Oscar-worthy in the horror movie category. I hate sleeping because of the dreams. They are every night and the images stay with me daily.

So, I'm trying to get off these things. A couple weeks ago when we went to the beach I made it three days without them. I knew I would start feeling fluish but thought the beach would be a good spot to feel miserable. Especially since I didn't have to work and I could nap alot. Not taking the pills makes my body, and especially my head, feel like it's tin. I feel robotish and like I read in the wiki page, several times a day I felt my brain 'reboot'. It's uncomfortable and terrifying.

I'm perfectly fine to take care of myself, my child and my husband. No one has to worry about me going postal or harming anyone. It's like having the flu and a severe sinus infection while going about your day underwater. If I had it to do over again, I don't think I would have started anti-depressants. Honestly, I think I would have been better off taking a sedative when I was feeling anxious.

Please God, help me get off these things so I can get to the stage where I know how sane I really am. Allow me to breathe easy without meds and enjoy my thoughts and emotions because they will be truly my own.

3 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you are struggling with the meds ... I know the chemo/steroid withdrawal gives me bad dreams ... I can't imagine what you are going through.

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  2. Oh JJ, stuff like this can be sooooo hard. I've never taken meds but battled with that choice a few times -- in fact I know I probably should have at least once in my life.

    As far as cancer and mental health, for the moment I have my regular script for Xanax and that seems to get me thru when I need it. But believe me, after what I just went experienced recently (as you know) I've wondered if I will need something more steady.

    Btw, thank you so much for all your support and kindness...it means so much to hear encouraging things from someone who has been there. You are a strong and wonderful person -- I am grateful to "know" you and just wish it were for different reasons, for both of us!

    Hang in there -- I'll be sending you pleasant thought and sweet dream vibes!

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  3. Oh, gosh, I dealt with withdrawal after using an antidepressant called Effexor. It was prescribed for hot flashes. I should have never begun taking it. Withdrawal lasted nearly two weeks. At its worst, I was actually 'hearing things'. It is a frightening thing to hear your husband talking, and realize that you cannot be hearing that, because he is at work...but still hearing it even while you're processing the fact that it is impossible. Yikes.

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