the thing about brownies

It was many months ago when my doctor told me that I was 'pre-diabetic'. She suggested that I should diet and exercise to get my body in order. I took the easy way out and opted for daily medication. I had a whole lot going on in my life and my stress levels were too high to concentrate on diet and exercise. You see, when things get crazy I reach for the chocolate and without that crutch who knows where I'd end up. So, my doctor put me on 1500 mg of Metformin a day until life settled and I could control things the 'proper' way.

I will brag a bit and say that I have been working on my diet and have been exercising regularly. I've gotten into a pretty good habit and it's making a huge difference. Back in August my Triglyceride number was 963 (Yowza!) and at the beginning of March it was down to 159 (Yippee!) Major kudos to me.

However, I've still got this little chocolate thing going on. I don't indulge very often but when I do it does a huge number on my body. This may be due to the Metformin or maybe it's just the way my body has always reacted but I just never noticed since I always felt like crap.

Tonight I made some brownies and had a small piece. (Keep in mind this was after going to a kid's birthday party today and passing on some delicious looking chocolate cake.) So, I decided to reward myself with some brownies. Well, here it is almost midnight and my body is M.A.D.!

Heartburn, sluggishness, major poopage, gas, bloating, headache, oh boy! The brownie was totally not worth it. Now I know.

I must remember this feeling for the next time I want to 'reward' myself.

Happy Monday

Cha's school is closed today for Presidents Day. My office is open. We were closed for Martin Luther King day, which her school wasn't. We need to fix that.

I've been talking to many of my working mom friends lately about how to handle the transition from daycare to school. Cha will be starting kindergarten this September She misses the cut off for public school so we had to decide whether to hold her back a year or put her in a private kinder. That was the easy part. She's been going to a school-like daycare since she was 9 weeks old and I'm fairly certain she's mature enough socially. She is familiar with being in a classroom and listening to teachers. She knows what's expected of her and what she's allowed to get away with. So, holding her back just doesn't seem right. She'll miss a whole year of learning simply because she was born 29 days late.

The school district offers testing for those who miss the birthday cut off. However, from what I've heard they expect the kids to test at least two years ahead. Cha is a smart cookie but she's not on the level of a second grader. The other hiccup with the testing route is that our school district only offers half day kinder so we would need to set her up with before and/or after school care. I contacted the places that our elementary school works with and I am far from happy with any of them. (For instance, I heard the Y offers before/after school care which I was excited about. I love our Y and think they offer great programs. However, the Y that is assigned to our elementary school is in the basement of a church that's not in the best neighborhood. I just don't want Cha going there.)

Considering that private kinder was my only real option I gathered information from local facilities. That was a real eye opener and caused me to have a near panic attack. How is it that I am a total over-thinker but am just now worrying about what to do for child care when school is out? How could I have completely forgotten summer vacations?

We've decided to keep her at her current daycare. They offer private kinder which will allow her to start 1st grade in Sept 11.

I'm curious what other working moms have planned?

so here's the story

If you blog I'm sure you're familiar with those spammy emails from people wanting you to contribute such and such to their blogs. One of the things I've learned in this blog experience is that to some blogging is nothing more than a marketing tool. Getting your name out is first and content is second. Feelings, emotions, and keeping up with family and friends come in somewhere near the bottom. That's good for some I guess, but I'm not interested.

Last night however I had a moment of weakness. I've been getting emails from a site that has repeatedly asked me to contribute. I've been getting weekly emails from them telling me how wonderful it would be to share my breast cancer experience with others and help newbies. Thanks to what has become my new normal (insomnia) I was up late and not thinking clearly. So, I signed up with that site. There were policies and agreements and such that I had to digitally sign off on and it wasn't until after the fact that I decided to Google the site. (Note: Google is always your first step in anything!)

The site has been called fraudulent scammers by many reputable sources. Oops! What they do is tell you that your content remains your own and you do nothing other than continue blogging as usual. However, they now have rights to that content. They can do pretty much whatever they want with it and honestly, that makes me very uncomfortable. Yes I understand that my words are out there. My blog is public and pretty much anyone can do what they want with it anyway, but it's different when I sign something agreeing to allow others to do as they wish.

I immediately emailed them and asked to cancel. It was within minutes of when I digitally agreed. I haven't heard back from them and who knows what they'll say when I do. So, I wanted to take back my blog before they had a chance to do anything with it.

It's time for a new blog chapter anyway. Soon enough I'll delete the other blog and be more anon. In the mean time I will be posting away about being a tired, happy working mom who just happened to have/has cancer, a brother who killed himself, a husband with um 'baggage' and lots of funny friends and family who make life interesting.

Thanks for listening.

Prayers for Artie

I've written several posts in the past two months and them removed them. If you happened to catch them you'll know that my oldest brother committed suicide. His attempt was on Saturday November 7th and he passed away on Thursday November 12th.

The loss of my brother and in particular the way we lost him has changed me more than anything cancer related. It has completely twisted the way I view the world and everything under the sun. I have always considered myself a sympathetic and empathetic person, sometimes overly so, but after losing my brother I am dumbfounded by how little I knew about grief and loss especially in regards to suicide.

Last weekend I read the news about comedian Artie Lange being rushed to a NJ hospital. Artie is a writer and personality on the Howard Stern radio show, which I have been listening to for 20 years. After waking up to that crew every morning and spending so much time 'with' them it's hard not to feel like they are almost family. Over the past couple of years Artie has opened up about his drug and alcohol problems. His admissions have saddened me and have caused more than a few tears on my part.

When I heard that he was rushed to the hospital my first thought was that he overdosed. I said a quick prayer for him and was thankful every time I logged online and did not see a death notice. If he accidentally overdosed on drugs and was taken to the hospital, they had to make him better, right? If he was going to die from an overdose it would have already happened, right?

Then the rumors started coming out that it wasn't an accidental overdose. Poor Artie had a breakdown, took a bunch of sleeping pills and drank some bleach. Or so 'they' say.

His people released a statement saying:

“We can confirm that Artie is in the hospital. Artie has chosen to keep all information on this matter between him and his doctor. There will be no further comment.”

It could be attempted suicide, it could be accidental overdose, or it could be he choked on his pancakes. The general public doesn't know, nor do I think we have the right to know. All we need to know is that he is in the hospital and in need of prayers.

Artie's condition is on my mind constantly. I keep hoping for some positive news all the while praying for his family. Those five days between when my brother tried to take his life and the moment he succeeded were hell. I remember each minute vividly and don't think I will ever forget the pain and anguish.

I am praying for you Artie, you baby gorilla.

three bits

Cari passed away. I had been checking in every day so I knew the end was near, but it didn't prepare me for that last post. I found her blog many moons ago and over the span of a long weekend I caught up on all of her posts. She was an incredible person and I would have loved to have met her in person.

I enjoy reading the comments on the last post. People from all over coming together to remark how Cari had touched their lives. She touched mine for sure and I'm going to miss her.

Cha and I went to the Y Friday night for a swim. Our local Y has a super cool pool for younger kids and Cha loves playing in the water. We spent about an hour and a half jumping, swimming and laughing and then headed to the locker room to get changed.

The bag I brought with me had clean and dry clothes for both of us along with shampoo and soap. We both hopped under the showers and got all scrubbed up. I rinsed off our swimsuits, which had the awful chlorine stank on them and hung them up to dry. While Cha and I were drying off and ready to get dressed two girls walked in the shower room. I noticed one of the girls look at my chest and kinda grimace. For a split second I had no idea why she would have that reaction and then I remembered my scars.

It made me smile. Here I was having a fun time laughing with my little girl, the cancer and surgeries totally out of my mind. I never would have imagined that a year ago.

Finally, I read an incredible poem on Olaf's blog. Def. worth a read.

Happy Saturday!

Blogging

As anyone who has created and maintained a blog can tell you, it's very therapeutic. Over the past nearly two years my blog has helped me inform my family about my health updates, meet and lean on others who were also battling cancer, and get a whole lot off my chest (pun intended). Having an outlet to vent about both good and bad was incredibly important and I hope that by being open I was able to provide a bit of help or least some understanding to others experiencing the same.

But it feels like, thanks to God, my breast cancer journey is complete. I saw an oncologist who said I'm done. I have only the tiniest bit of breast tissue left in my body and the chance that my cancer will come back is slim to none. I will continue monthly BSEs to get a feel for changes to my breasts, but I had my last ever mammogram on December 3, 2007 and feel blessed that I never have to have another. I had DCIS, which some doctors don't even consider cancer. I made an aggressive decision to have both breasts removed. At the time a friend told me that it was an 'overly dramatic' move. Well, it might have been but I have no regrets. It was well worth the peace of mind.

My reconstructed breasts are just fine. The scars are fading and they feel okay. They aren't perfect, but neither were my natural ones. My fake nipples look great even if they still don't have any feeling. So, I have no complaints. I will always have a doctor crush on Drs. Singer Kripke. They were knights in shining armor during a very bad time and I will continue to recommend them to anyone needing their services.

My depression [knock wood] is gone. I have been off Lexapro for just about two months and no longer feel any side effects of the withdrawal. My mind is the same as before the cancer, crabbiness and all. I had some amazing therapy sessions during the past two years but learned that most of the hard times were due to circumstances and not severe mental flaws. I see no reason to continue seeing someone.

So I guess that's it. I have been struggling with what to do with this blog, contemplating posting other personal information about my life and struggles but I've decided to let it be.

Thanks for reading and being there for me.

:)

give a mom a muffin

If you give a mom a muffin
She'll want a strong cup of coffee to go with it, She'll make herself some.
Her three-year-old will spill the coffee, She'll wipe it up.
While wiping the floor she'll find dirty socks.
She'll remember she has to do laundry.
When she puts the laundry in the washer, she'll trip over boots and bump into the box of Goodwill items.
Bumping into the Goodwill items will remind her that she has to get these boxes out of her basement and into the car.
When she puts the boxes in the car, she'll find a bag of groceries and this will remind her she has to cook dinner.
She will get out the chicken defrosting in the fridge.
She'll look for her cookbook, "101 Things To Do With Chicken"
The cookbook will be sitting under a pile of mail.
She will see the Netflix movie she's meant to send back and the phone bill,which is due tomorrow.
The checkbook will be in her purse that is being dumped out by her one-year-old.
As she bends down to rescue her purse, she'll smell something funny.
She'll change the baby's diaper.
While she is throwing away the diaper and searching for the hand sanitizer, the phone will ring.
Her three-year-old will answer and hang up.
She'll remember she wants to call a friend - not for coffee, but for a very strong drink.
Thinking of drinking will remind her that she was going to have a cup of coffee in order to stay awake for the rest of the day.
And chances are....
If she finds her cup of coffee (which she has to reheat by now),
Her children will have eaten the muffin that goes with it.