Depression

I'll out myself by admitting that I am severely depressed. It's been hell but I really am trying to get myself fixed. I am still seeing the therapist once a week and my doctor has upped my daily dose of anti-depressants.

I remember that Dr. Kripke warned me before surgery that most patients suffer from depression after all was said and done. He said the body is geared up to fight for so long that once there's nothing to fight it has a little breakdown. He said he was glad that I was taking anti-depressants beforehand because it would make things easier.

Well, I can't imagine how much worse it could get. This really is a dark period and knowing that I have such a good life and should be celebrating beating cancer only makes things worse. Life is beautiful but somehow I can't manage to open the front door in the morning.

In my quest to fix my brain I went to a breast cancer support group last night. I've known of this particular group for a while but have been reluctant to attend. I want to put the cancer behind me and not allow it to encompass my entire life. Yes I am a cancer survivor, but that's not all that I am. I know my family is sick of hearing about it (so I've heard many times) and I get tired of thinking of it myself. Did I really want to sit in a room with a bunch of strangers and obsess about it even more?

Surprisingly the support group turned out to be a very good thing. The women were all in different stages of recovery. I was the most recent and had the most surgery. I was also the only one who did not receive chemo or radiation and hearing the horror stories of those treatments made me happy with the path I decided to take. One of the women who had DCIS was nearing the end of her radiation treatment. She had cancer in one breast and asked her surgeon about a mastectomy. He told her it wasn't a good idea and refused to do it. Hearing my story she was sad that she wasn't allowed a mastectomy. It showed the importance of finding doctors who support you and that you feel comfortable with. I lucked out there, that's for sure.

All of the women in the room admitted that they suffered from debilitating depression after their treatment. On one hand it makes me feel better knowing that I'm normal, but on the other it drives me crazy because it's not something I can really fix. I just have to let it run it's course and try to keep my sanity in check.

After the meeting I walked out with a woman who is a long time survivor. She said she didn't attend the sessions for a long time because she didn't think she could handle it. Now that everything is behind her she feels the need to talk about it sometimes and doesn't want to burden her family.

Anyway, the bottom line is that I've lost my mind but I know where it is. I just have to find the patience to put it back together. In the meantime, go easy on me!!